What If I Had Not Overheard?

by Shara Nesu

Series: What if...

Website: http://www.shara-nesu.supanet.com/

Pairing: Spike/Angel

Summary: Spike finds out that Angelus has a soul when Darla throws him out. Instead of letting Angelus go, Spike follows him and brings him home. This is where things really change from the Canon - as Angelus leaves China with Spike and Drusilla to begin a new life.

Spoilers: Remember Darla & Fool for Love? Well this is an Alternative universe exploring what would have happened if Spike had overheard Angel and Darla fighting over the baby. Also my gypsies weren't so stupid to put in a happiness clause so Angel doesn't lose his soul!

Note: Think young Spike with a little William in him, Angel lost and confused about his soul, and they both reach a turning point, and become the people they should have been. Slow starting but I do promise more Slash as you go along.


What If I Had Not Overheard?
by Shara Nesu

1900: China during the Boxer rebellion.

Mmm... Nice and warm. Drusilla curls her body nearer and smuggles into my chest. Sex after death and mayhem nicely finishes of a good night. I do so love wars and rebellions; it gives us so much freedom. Nobody questions our killings or our movements. People watch us in the streets as we snap necks and feed. They don’t see what we really are. They think we are on their side killing the enemy, or such nonsense. Angelus was right; humans are nothing but sheep.

But something doesn’t enable me to sleep this night. My body aches from taking Drusilla over and over, yet I cannot sleep. Thoughts lie heavy on my mind, but I can’t seem to work out what it is that bothers me. It’s like the other night. The most incredible night of my life. I, Spike, formally known as William the Bloody, killed my first Slayer - all alone, too. No big bad Angelus or his Sire bitch, and no crazy Dru either, to help me. Just me, single-handedly using my wits and my bare hands. I killed her and then fucked Dru in her blood. Still, something was amiss. Something wasn’t right. Something was missing.

A few nights ago, before my wondrous deed, my Sire - Angelus - returns from places unknown. He’d been missing for nearly two years. Darla had never really explained what had happened to him or why he’d run off. He just appeared one night in Darla’s bed. I had opened the bedroom door to tell her Dru and I were going hunting, and to my shock and wonder there was my Sire lying in her bed. Angelus. He was asleep, curled upon the bed. It was a position I had found him in many times, but now it looked wrong somehow. I don’t know why or how - it was just altered, strange. It was like he had never been in this position at all, and yet at times Angelus and Darla would screw like bunnies. Yes, he was naked and yes, I smelled sex in the air, but something was awry with this picture. Angelus looked dirty for one thing, his hair matted, his skin pale, and he looked thinner, as if he hadn’t fed in days. I mean, that would be an impossibility; Angelus always killed at least one human every night. Still, there he was lying thin and frail, pale against the blue sheets. Scratches and bites caused by Darla during their fucking had yet to heal.

There are so many things I had wanted to ask Darla that night, but she never gave me the chance. As soon as I was discovered in her room, she slapped my face and told me to leave immediately. I laughed, and said something about her wanting to fuck Angelus all night and that we’d be out. At that moment my laugher awakened my sleeping sire, and his eyes opened to gaze into mine. Initially his eyes shocked me. They were sad and something else I couldn’t put a word to sparkled there - an emotion I’d never seen before. I wanted to linger and watch him, maybe even talk to him, but Darla quickly manhandled me out of the door.

The next night was just as perplexing. Angelus didn’t go hunting with us as a group like we used to do. He and Darla went alone. When Angelus finally returned long after Darla, I watched my sire with curious eyes. I studied, contemplated and silently deliberated about this demon who I had tried to please. He smelled of misery and pain. He smelled of blood and vermin. A very strange smell on Angelus entirely. Still, I couldn’t get close to him. I couldn’t speak to him. Darla appeared then, dragging him away, and asked where he’d been. He made up some lie which I could tell even she knew wasn’t the truth. I couldn’t help but ponder: why Angelus would need to lie to Darla? Why would he smell of rats?

Seconds later, before I could get near to him, Darla hauled him into her room. She did not close the door properly, and I watched them through the gap. I had always hated it when they screwed. I hated observing them, yet I could not look away. I hated the thought of Angelus touching her, caressing her, taking her. It disgusted me. Maybe it’s because he was my Sire, or that I hated the bitch so. I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I spent so much time trying to impress Angelus so he’d notice me, but he never did. He only had eyes for her. I watched as she ripped off his clothing, then tore her own off in her desperation. It was strange how Angelus didn’t return all her enthusiasm. She stripped him bare, pushed him down onto the bed, then rode him hard. Her hands were vicious on his skin, ripping it away and biting deep into his bruising flesh. I tried to deny what I saw in his face, in his eyes - was it pain, suffering and a tear?

I’d seen Darla viciously beat him before, but Angelus would always fight back, like it was a game to them. This time he didn’t, he took her beating and finally when he came, he did so with a sob. When Darla had finished with him, she had pushed him over and he curled up on the side of the bed. His body curling into a tight ball, almost as if he was not a willing participant of Darla‘s desire. His eyes were closed now, but strange feelings still emanated from him. I tried to dismiss what I had seen. A different game maybe, it would be nothing more. Angelus didn’t have emotions, he did not love, and he certainly didn’t feel pain.

The next night I killed my first Slayer. I had set my heart on Angelus seeing my finest hour. I wanted him to see the powerful master vampire he’d created. He didn’t. He was out there looking for Darla! Always bloody Darla! He clings to her now. Since he has returned, not once have I seen him kill; not once did he bring food home and play with it for awhile.

When Dru and I finally found Angelus and Darla in the riots, he wasn’t doing anything I had expected of him. There was no revelling in the death and destruction. No tearing of limbs and drained bodies. No, Angelus was out wandering around, looking for bloody Darla again! Darla, who recently had been watching him like a hawk, and questioning his every movement. When we had congregated, Darla asks what we’ve been up to. I waited for Angelus to inquire but he just stares at me. He hasn’t talked to me since his return. He had ignored me until now.

"Will I tell?" asks Dru. She’s jumping around, desperate to tell what she knows.


"No need to be humble," I laugh. There was still silence from Angelus. Silence when I desperately wanted his attention.


"My little Spike just killed himself a Slayer," Dru crows. I can feel her excitement and joy. I cling to her and nuzzle her neck a little. When I used to paw his little creation, Angelus used to complain, growl and drag her away. Now he does nothing.


"Did you hear that?" Darla asks Angelus.

Angelus’ dark eyes turn to me. They aren’t the same as before. Dru always said he had eyes like needles. Not anymore, it seems. These eyes are.... well, if I had to pick a word it would be something like sad, or miserable, or even grieving. Terms that I would never have associated with Angelus. Remarks that could get you killed or tortured.


"Congratulations, I guess that makes you one of us." His voice doesn’t hold the same tone as his words. There are no compliments in his voice, just extreme sadness, and disgust for what I had done. Now *that* notion really surprises me. I hide my disappointment with quick words and wit, because he should be pleased! He should be proud that I am behaving like him, doing just as he does. It’s all I’ve ever done - try to be like Angelus. As bad as him. As evil as him. As heartless as him.


"Don't be so glum, eh? The way you tell it, one Slayer snuffs another one rises. I figure that there is a new chosen one, getting all chosen even as we speak. I tell you what, when and if this new bird shows up, I'll give you first crack at it!"

Angelus doesn't answer me. I don’t think he knows what to say to me. That has to be a first. Before it was always, Spike - “you aren't good enough,” “You aren’t fast enough,” “You aren’t evil enough.”


"Hmm, I smell fear." Dru sniffs the air and moves past Angelus. I can see his body tighten. He looks like a child with his hand caught in the cookie jar. Dru’s eyes set on an alley behind him. It’s like a magnet to her, drawing her forward. I know he’s hiding something, and yet I don’t want to betray him.


"This whole place reeks of it," Angelus almost sounds desperate. Desperate for Darla not to discover something. For some reason I help him. I wrap my arms around Dru and pull her against me.


"It's intoxicating," she giggles. I smile and pull her back. I make a show of making it look like I’m nuzzling her neck. Kissing her. The entire time I only have eyes for Angelus. He’s scared of something - or for someone. I’ve never seen Angelus scared before. Don’t think I like it.


"Let's get out of here. This rebellion is starting to bore me." Now that sounds like the old him. However, it doesn’t have that edge. That sound of malignance and evil. He gives me the impression that he’s running from something, trying to hide a secret. Not just what is in that alley either, but something inside him.

I lose myself in Dru’s attentions but my eyes stay fixed on Angelus. Darla is watching him strangely, too. She has this look in her eyes - a look of mistrust. She’s planning something, I can feel it. Soon my attention is brought back to Dru as she kisses and plays with me. For the first time, she seems to have noticed me, to be proud of me. Although she’s not the one I wanted. I wanted Angelus to find me. I wanted him to notice me - to be proud of me.


As soon as we get back to the house we claimed, I take Dru aside and to my bed. Angelus does nothing to stop me. He just looks more dejected and lonely. I don’t understand him, but I won’t miss the opportunity of Dru’s attentions. I hear him leave later, and he returns after about an hour. When he left, Darla went out too. I get this strange feeling that some event will change everything tonight. That something will split out little family apart forever. I have a hunch that Darla is going back to that alley, the one Angelus feared so much. When she returns, a rage follows her, and I know something world-shattering will happen between her and Angelus.

I pull on my trousers and creep out to spy on her. I love Chinese houses. They don’t have brick walls like back in England. They are paper-like and easy to listen through, almost transparent too. I follow Darla and listen in the next room, I’ve seen she has a large basket with her. She puts it down on a table in the middle of the room, and covers it with white lace. Then she waits and so do I. We don’t wait long; 10 minutes later, the outer door is opened, and Angelus’ light foot enters the room. He seems preoccupied and doesn’t even notice that Darla’s in the room with him.

"Where have you been?" she snaps.


"Darla," Angelus answers, startled. I notice from his speech that he has changed, somehow even his voice is different. His voice sounds softer, less self-assured. Less Angelus-ly like.


"Answer me!"


"Just out. Why?" he answers quickly. He sounds so ashamed, as if he is hiding something - what is it?


"Feeding?" she snarls.


"Yeah."


"On vermin?"

Huh? Angelus would never feed off rats. Although there was that strange smell on him.


“No,” he denies after a beat. He sounds even less confident now, more childlike.


"Don't lie to me!"


"Look, I've killed men. You've seen it!" he adds defensively. Why would she wonder if he has killed? I hear Darla standing and I can smell her rage. That in itself is a unusual emotion. Darla was never angry with her Childe - she looked upon him like some sort of god.


"Rapists and murderers, thieves and scoundrels. Did you think I wouldn't notice? Only evildoers, that's all you hunt now.”

A sudden smell of Angelus‘ pain hits me.

“You swore to me. You said, if I took you back you'd prove yourself."


"And I will."

What the hell is she talking about? Took him back after what? What did he do?


"Good.” I hear her move over to the basket, and there is a rustle as she pulls away the cover. A soft cooing is heard from it, the smell of youth floats from the room. I think it’s a baby. Angelus was protecting a baby? Why? “Now is your chance."

There is solemn silence from Angelus. I can hear him shifting his feet. I can almost smell his indecision. What is he doing? Why should he have any problem about killing a baby? It’s not like it will be his first. I must admit that not even I could bring myself to kill children, like Angelus can. No matters how hard I try to be like him, I think I’m still a little defective. I still feel something for them.


"I went back before dawn. They were still cowering there. Praying to their god for salvation. They didn't know that their only saviour was at the waterfront - dining on rats. I won't be made a fool, Angelus. Not by you. Not by anyone." Living on rats? Saving missionaries? Angelus loves killing the righteous and pure. Take Drusilla for example!


“I didn’t mean...” He’s stuttering!


"While Spike - Spike! - was out killing a Slayer, you were saving missionaries! From me!"


"I'm sorry..."


"No. No more words. Act!"

I can feel the tension from here. What the hell is going on? I can’t make head or tail of any of it. Why is he hesitating? Why can’t he just kill this baby and shut her up? For the first time I don’t think I know that man standing in there - this being with my Sire‘s face. I don’t believe he is Angelus.

"I can't." The words are so soft I nearly missed them. I don’t understand this and it’s driving me around the bloody bend! I want to walk in there and demand to know what the hell is going on. Who is this man and what happened to my Sire? Beyond the wall, I can hear Angelus moving towards the baby.

"What do you mean you can't? You won't!" Darla yells back.


"I can't seem to be able to... uhm, I'm sorry." What’s this? I think Angelus is about to save the baby from Darla. He’s going to defy her. Angelus never did that.


"You disgust me."

There is a harsh sob from Angelus. The odour of pain and loneliness fill the room. With a sudden rush of movement, Angelus acts. I can hear him grab the baby and jumps out through the window. All that is left is smashed glass and the smell of Darla’s fury.

I don’t comprehend any of this. I can’t decipher their cryptic words. What was Angelus trying to prove? Why a second chance? Why has he returned? Why didn’t he notice me? I killed a Slayer for him and all I get is ‘welcome to the family’. Gee, thanks. No, I‘m not going to take this. I’m going to find out what the hell is happening around me. I finish dressing while Darla starts to destroy the house. Dru seems to know something is amiss, so I tell her to stay here and watch Darla. Then I go out into the night to try to track Angelus. I will suss this out - I will understand what is going on with my sire, and my family.

The first place I visit is the docks, where Darla said he was feeding on rats. Initially I thought she lied. I could never envisage Angelus eating rats, or hunting in this filthy place. I’m about to try elsewhere when I catch a glimpse of him. In his arms is the baby, still very much alive and unhurt. I watch shocked as he takes the tiny bungle into a Missionary house. It’s filled with Europeans trying to escape China, all waiting for a boat to take them out of this war-torn country. Inside there is shouting and cursing. In moments, Angelus appears, thrown out of the house and being beaten by men with sticks. Why isn’t he fighting back? He doesn’t do anything to defend himself.

I have a huge case of indecision. Should I help him or not? What is he doing? The men continue to beat him, and still he doesn’t raise a finger to defend himself. It’s not because he can’t. I’ve seen Angelus take on more men than this. He fought them off without breaking into a sweat; killed them in seconds, he did. So why isn’t he doing that now? Why does he cower on the floor and let them rip into his flesh? That’s it! I can’t take anymore. I can’t watch my sire being reduced to this. I mean, it’s going to look bad on me if other vampires find out Angelus was beaten up by humans.

I run towards him and start picking off his attackers one by one. Suddenly, Angelus realises I am present and he calls to me. I’m not sure I heard him right.

“NO! Leave me... Don’t kill them!” Angelus doesn’t want me to hurt or kill the humans? The beating must have unhinged him... or has he finally lost it?

“Leave me!” he cries again. One of the men gets a lucky hit in and smacks him square in the face. Blood gushes from his broken nose and split lip.

That’s it! The smell of sire’s blood is overpowering in my bloodlust, making me change into vamp face and everyone starts screaming: “devil!” Yeah, that's right, run from me, cower before me. I really want to hurt them for what they have done. I would love to snap their necks one by one - the way Angelus taught me - but I don’t think he is gonna let me do it. He’s begging me on his knees to save them. To leave them be. What is his damage?

Ultimately, I haul Angelus up by the arms and drag him out of there. He feels damn strange. Lighter and thinner than before. It’s like he hasn’t eaten for days. When I’ve reached a safe alley away from the missionaries, I drop my Sire into a heap on the floor. I need to know what the hell this means. What’s wrong with him? Why all these changes in character until I can hardly recognise him? All I keep telling myself is this is not Angelus. This is not my Sire.

“Who are you?” I finally roar. I stare down at the heap on the floor, bleeding and broken. He does absolutely nothing; he doesn’t fight, doesn’t answer me, just lies there in the dirt and muck - bleeding. Well, I won’t let sire’s blood go to waste. If this is Angelus - if this is my bastard of a Sire - then he’s going to sure as hell fight me when I do this.

I lean down and lick his smooth bloodied cheek and chin. Angelus’ eyes bore into mine. However, they are filled not with anger, but fear. He fears me! Yet I cannot stop, I continue to lick and clean his face. The potency of sire’s blood is irresistible. I’ve never tasted it since that day he dragged me from Drusilla and turned me himself. His blood is sensational. It’s so powerful, old, strong and sad... and sad? What the fuck? I’m feeling an immense guilt inside his blood. Guilt directed at me!

“What the hell?” I back away from him as if he’s covered in holy water. Angelus doesn’t prevent me - he doesn’t do anything. Just lies there - waiting. I think he’s waiting for me to leave him, or deny him just as Darla did - twice. But I need answers, and if he makes himself scarce again, then I’m not going to get any. So I’ve made my decision. My first plan. I heave Angelus to his feet and half carry, half drag him back to the house. Although I’m not taking him inside, because I can hear Darla on the rampage from here. I dump him in some deserted stables, not far from the house, and leave him there while I go and deal with the Darla mess.

As I’m returning to get Dru, I realise that in my haste I‘ve not secured him. I turn and run back to the stables, only to discover Angelus sobbing on the floor. He has curled himself into a tiny foetal position and rocks like a child, totally despondent and dejected. A part of me is gobsmacked that Angelus would do this. The demon part of me is appalled by his actions. I don’t speak... I can’t speak to him as I grab a leather harness and bind his hands to a wooden post. He contemplates me with fearful eyes, but doesn't say a word. He doesn’t lift a finger to stop me. I leave him there and return to the chaos awaiting me. In the back of my mind, I wonder. I can only speculate about what has befallen my Sire. What happened to him two years ago - what has happened here today.

When I enter the house I see that Darla has totally destroyed it. Everything is in ruins, from clothing to bed linen, and every piece of furniture has been broken in two. Nothing is left standing in her wake. I discover Dru sitting in the corner of my room. Her face is black and blue from Darla’s fists, and she weeps with high-pitched sobs. I take her into my arms and rock her gently.

“Leave here!” Darla advances on us screaming, “Take your filthy kin with you. I never want to see you again. I never want smell you again. You sicken me. You smell of him!” She is insistent with her screams and demands for us to leave. The truth is, I don’t want to remain with her either. Now she has thrown Angelus out, there is nothing to tie us to her. Which is good, because I detest the bitch.

I calmly tell Dru to gather her dolls and wait for me at the door. I grab what remains of our clothing and shove them into a case. Then I go in search of Darla, which is pretty easy - just follow the path of destruction.

“What did you do to him?” I challenge her. She turns to me, staring deep into my eyes for a moment. With dawning comprehension, she starts to laugh.

“You followed him didn’t you? Does he disgust you like he does me?” Her face changes and she snarls at me. “Did you kill him and rid him of that filthy soul?”

Huh? Soul? Angelus has a soul!?

“What do you mean? What soul?”

She looks at me incredulously and laughs again. “Poor, young William. I know all about you. I watched you over the years.” She leans towards me and whispers softly, as if divulging a dark secret, “You wanted him, didn’t you? You wanted to please him, you wanted him to accept you - to notice you. He never did, did he? He never saw how you tried to copy him. Well, you are weak, just as he is. You aren’t a real vampire, William - he is like you now - still possessing your disgusting humanity,” She hisses the last words like they are poison.

“The name is Spike, and I killed a Slayer - unlike you or Angelus.” My words don’t sound as convincing as I wish them to be. I can’t help but dwell on her words. Are they true? Am I weak? No! I’ve killed like any vampire. I’m evil, strong - the Big Bad. What she says is a downright lie. Fuck it, she isn’t worth the effort. I turn on my heel and leave her to her rage. At the door, I take Dru by the arm, and we leave Darla forever.

Back at the stables, I find Angelus hasn’t moved a muscle from where I left him. He hasn’t even tried to break free from his bonds. It’s going to be dawn soon, and I want to put a little distance between Darla and us by then. When Dru spots Angelus, she just stands there as still as a statue at the door.

“Not Daddy,” she moans, “Not Daddy. All weeping rivers. Broken graves.” Sometimes not even I can decipher her words. She speaks a language the rest of the world isn’t privy to. Angelus hears her though, and looks up at her, obviously distressed. I can see tears in his eyes. “Tears for me? NO! Tears for her - pretty nun you killed - pretty girl with flowers.”

“Dru, be a good girl and look after your doll,” I suggest to her. Her dolls have always kept her entertained, as well as giving the rest of us some peace.

“Oh, Miss Edith, I’ve been a bad mummy!” She rocks the doll in her arms as Angelus continues to stare at her. I see pain in his eyes, an immense sorrow. Is that regret there? Regret for sending her has mad as a hatter?

Is Darla right about him? Has Angelus got a soul now? Is that the cause of the changes I see in his eyes? Damn, I have so many questions it’s making my head spin. This isn’t what I wanted. I wanted a normal vampire clan, but nooooo, what do I get? One insane sister and a sire who has a soul. Just great! Now what am I supposed to do with them?

“Get up,” I direct my Sire as I untie him. I’m not in the mood for his whimpering. I’m far too pissed off to try to persuade him to move. However, he should fight against me for saying that to him. He should beat me for my insolence, but he does nothing. He just sits there staring at Dru. “Get up!” This time I kick him and he turns to me.

“Leave me!” he wails.

I’m really flaming mad now. I’ve finally had enough. I can’t take this crap. I grab him by his blood-stained shirt and wrench him to his feet. He just stands there, swaying. Next, I find a leather collar, which might have belonged to some animal, and wrap it around his pale neck. He doesn’t lift a finger to stop me. Angelus would have skinned me for doing this. To his collar I attach a length of chain, and start to tug him towards the door. A big part of me wants him to fight me - to rebel against my traitorous actions against his person. He doesn’t do anything but stand there unmoving. He doesn’t even try to defend himself - to save himself from this degradation.

“Move!” I yank hard on the chain in my hand, and after a moment he follows. I grab hold of Dru’s arm and we start walking. We make a strange little trio - 3 vampires, one insane, one evil and one soul-ed. I keep thinking that the people we pass will stop us. But during a time like this they don’t notice, and they don’t care about anyone else. They are running just like we are. In the end I have to smile. Here I am leading Angelus with a chain and collar. Angelus, the Scourge of Europe. I’m not going to forget this day for a long time.

Two weeks later:

We left China by catching a boat leaving for Europe. It has been a long voyage around India, up past Africa, across land to the Mediterranean and another boat to Greece. Angelus has been silent since the night I found him. He follows behind me on his collar and chain without a word.

We arrived in Greece at a large fishing town on the fourteenth night, and I decided that we had run far enough. The voyage was hard and there was little for us to live on. It was a strange two weeks we spent together.

Angelus grows weaker by the day and refuses to eat humans. I found him a couple of rats, but he doesn’t even eat them. I don’t think he cares anymore. He doesn’t speak, he doesn’t wash, and he doesn’t eat. It’s not normal. This is not the Angelus I’ve known for over twenty years. That Angelus would have a fit if his shirt got dirty. Now he hasn’t changed in a fortnight.

Dru sulked all the way here. She didn’t eat much, and sat all day in our shared cabin staring at Angelus. He obviously despises her eyes on him all the time; only when the staring became too much for him did he try to escape the chain and face away from her. He weeps when we sleep. I pretended to sleep once and just listened to him. Drusilla and I even had sex, and he just wept through that too. Maybe even more so. Maybe it was because our coupling aroused him. I could smell him in the air, but he did nothing to relieve himself. See, he’s nothing like the real Angelus.

When we finally reached Greece, I obtained a house for us, and in the dead of night I moved Angelus and Dru into it. Then I had to find servants that Dru wouldn’t kill. Next, food for Angelus. After that I have to take Dru on the hunt. Fucking hell - I feel like a parent. That isn’t my position in this clan. I’m not the one who should be doing this running around, Angelus should be. He should be the one planning all this - I should be the one enjoying all the killing to be done.

For some strange reason, since leaving China and Darla, I haven‘t felt the need to kill mindlessly anymore. I don’t know why. I always had thought I enjoyed it, or maybe I just did it to make Angelus notice me. I wanted him to behold that I am just as evil as he is - well, was. I know I am going to have to do something soon about Angelus not eating. He’s becoming thin and weak, almost corpse-like in appearance. He’ll be of no use to anyone soon.

This night, I take Angelus out on his leash, looking for food. He walks quietly behind me, and doesn’t do a thing without instruction beforehand. Dru runs ahead, looking for a tasty dinner. A moment later she vanishes into an alley, and a sudden shout is heard.

“Dru!” I call out. I know she’s a vampire, but sometimes she’s not a very good one. Oh, she’s evil alright, but she’s a little too crazed to be able to fight all that well. I know that in time I’m going to have to teach her to look after herself. Angelus can’t do it. What can he teach her now - advanced depression? I sprint towards the alley, dragging Angelus behind me. We skid to a halt when I take in the scene before us. Four huge, burly men are holding Dru down on the cobbled street. They tear at her dress, endeavouring to get between her legs. She cries out in fear, and I wonder why the hell she doesn’t just bite them. I told you she was a little out of it. I’m about to pounce on them, when I hear a loud growl from behind me.

Angelus has morphed into his true face and snarls at the men holding Dru down. I let go of the leash as he leaps into the fray. Men are catapulted through the air as Angelus rips and tears. A flash of fang and strong killing hands finish off Dru’s would-be attackers. It doesn’t take him long to finish them off, feeding on the last until he‘s dead. I comfort Dru in my arms as I gape at my savage but protective Sire in action. When all the men are dead, I wipe away her tears, then turn to the silent Angelus.

“Angelus, th...”

“NO!” he screams. My sire pulls himself up, and with extreme effort changes back to human features. I swear that I see tears in his eyes. “NO!” he weeps. His hands tear at himself, claws ripping into his own skin. “Oh, please no! I dinna mean it. I...” Angelus slides down the wall and starts to shrivel into his knees.

He moans laments in what I think is Gaelic, but I can’t be sure. I’ve never been to Ireland. His hands continue to claw at his own skin, seemingly trying to cleave it from his bones. I can’t move. I think it’s the shock of my sire being so quiet and doing nothing for so long, and then all of a sudden he becomes alive and kills Dru’s attackers. I know he did it instinctively. He protected us, his Childer. He protected us - demons - when he himself has a soul. Why? He made with the disappearing act when he first got the soul two years ago. He ignored us when he returned to Darla. So why protect us now? Gods, I just wish I knew what was going on in his unhinged and soul-disturbed mind . I wish I could unravel the mystery of his soul.

Dru pulls herself from my embrace and crawls over to our Sire. “Pretty girl screams inside. So many little hands pulling at the edges taking you all away. Eating you inside - chomp, chomp.”

I wish I could speak Dru‘s language. I have no idea what she means. Is it guilt she’s referring to? She prevents his hands tearing at his skin by holding them together.

“God doesn’t want you. You are damned,” she says.

Angelus stops crying and gapes at her. Her fingers stroke his face and she actually smiles. Nothing with malice, but a real pretty-girl smile. It seems to calm him and he leans into her caresses. I wonder if he cares for us or if it is just blood calling to blood?

“We want you.”

Huh? What did she say? I thought she didn’t like him anymore. All through the voyage, all she did was stare at him, and she never even tried to touch him. I was the one who did everything.

“Spikey wants you. You shine in his heart.”

“Dru, that’s a load of crap and you know it,” I correct her, quickly. I don’t want him. I don’t want him one little bit, nope; I don’t want anything from him. I’ve never wanted Angelus, and I certainly don’t want this broken being. NO!

Angelus doesn’t take his eyes away from Dru. I think she understands something I can’t. She sees inside of him, things that I’ve been trying to comprehend for weeks. Suddenly, I’m jealous. It grows as Angelus leans into her embrace and lets her comfort him. I don’t want her touching him! I want...

NO! I jump up and briskly brush the dirt from my clothes. “Dru, take him home and stay there.” With that I leave them. I can’t be around them at the moment. I can’t bear to look upon them. I wanted Dru. That’s it. I was jealous because Dru was touching Angelus. Touching his soft smooth skin. Feeling that large muscled body around her. To feel the sensation of his perfectly hard cock digging into her stomach... Woah! Where did that spring from?

That’s it! No more thinking! Tonight’s for killing, and lots of it. Tonight, I won’t muse about Dru or Angelus. Got it! Fine! No thinking!

Dawn:

Oh, shit! I am so drunk! It’s getting kinda late too. If I don’t make it back soon it’s going to be flamed Spike for dinner. I laugh and stumble again. Luckily for me, I make it to the front door just as the sun peeks over the horizon. I wish I could see it just once. Just one more time. Sometimes I miss it so. I never appreciated it when I was alive; not once did I take time to watch a sunrise. Then the opportunity was gone forever.

I walk - well, crawl, into the main bedroom, and to my shock find Angelus and Dru entwined in the bed. My first thought was that they had shagged, but even in my drunken state I can tell that there is no smell of sex or arousal in the air. No, it smells, looks, and feels more like comfort. I move to sit on the bed next to Angelus, my sire.

My beautiful shining angelic-faced sire. My soul-ed sire. He’s so ravishing now, more than ever. Around his neck is that collar, the one I put on him back in China. Not at any time has he tried to remove it, and for the life of me I can’t think why. My hand strokes it gently, and I brush against his cool skin with my careless, drunken hand. It doesn't obey me like it should. My hand grazes his cheek, and then moves to rest on his chest. His shirt has been pulled open during sleep. I can see the perfect marble skin of his chest. There are cuts and bruises, yes, but they only add to his splendour.

I remember the first time I saw Angelus. I had just scrabbled my way out of my grave, and there he stood, waiting for me. He laughed as I pulled myself dirty and bedraggled from my coffin. It had been raining and the soil had turned to mud. He had chucked merrily and compared me to a drowned rat. It was then that I decided to show him I was better than that.

He took me on my first hunt, and to my everlasting shame, I wasn’t very successful. The first sight of blood made me sick, and I brought everything I’d eaten back up again. My Sire was foaming at the mouth with rage. He screamed about some woman called Dru: why did she choose a worthless little shit like me? Even my poems were bloody terrible. For weeks after that I became Angelus’ punching bag. He never touched me but to hurt me. He never spoke unless to speak ill of me. But for some reason I wanted to prove myself to him. Dru took me in and looked after me like a baby. Darla ignored me and left me well alone - for which I am eternally grateful. The same was not true of Angelus, he remained an enigma to me. He was a puzzle I wanted to crack. I wanted his pride, his pride at my accomplishments. Also to my horror, and then my eternal shame, I wanted his love.

I soon came to learn that Angelus was incapable of love. Many a time I watched him fuck Darla and/or Dru. Not once did he touch them like he loved them. He was incapable of showing them any tenderness. I wanted what he wouldn’t give to them. I wanted to own Angelus’ heart. So I decided on a plan. Damn good one too. It would have worked if Angelus hadn’t gotten himself a bloody soul - I’m not sure what that means yet - but it messed my plan up.

During my fledging years I resolved to become every bit like Angelus. I strove to be as he was - heartless, vile, evil - but most of all I strove to be accepted by him, and to be near him. Still, he ignored me. I killed for him, massacred for him, killed a slayer for him - a phenomenal action that I thought would please him. I remember his words; “now you are one of us.” Those words should have given me great joy. They should have spirited me into his arms and into his bed, but they never did. Those words were supposed to be all I wanted. Words that should haven given me his acceptance, but that emotion did not exist in his words. All I heard and all I saw in his eyes was disgust. Disgust in my sire’s eyes? I had disgusted the great Angelus. But now I know different. I was too late. My actions weren’t witnessed by Angelus, but by his soul. It was his soul reflected back at me that day. That’s what it means - Angelus has a conscience. He has emotions, sentiments, passion and spirit. He can love, hate and be disgusted - so unlike Angelus. It was his soul that wept that night for the dead girl. It is his soul living here with me now.

I have attempted not to think about that night since we left China. The day I became Angelus-like. When I betrayed all of who I am. I endeavour not to contemplate about how I tried to please him. How I strove to make him notice me at long last. Angelus never did, but the soul saw me. It knows who I am... no... wait, it doesn't. It knows what I tried to be for Angelus. I became Spike for him. Didn’t... doesn’t he see that? I killed for him. Tortured for him. Suffered the death of my humanity for him. All the soul does now is hate me. Now all I have left is a memory of the man I used to be. The one deep inside - the one I set out to kill for Angelus - tried but somehow never could. I could never wash William out of me completely. William, who wishes he could interpret what that Slayer asked of me at her death. Wishes that I had not partaken of her blood. He yearns for Angelus’ soul-ed eyes to look upon me with something other than revulsion. He desires that this new being could love what his predecessor could not.

I lean over and take a deep whiff of Angelus’ scent. I should have worked it out before. He still smells of Angelus, but deep down, hidden inside, I can scent his soul. I can sniff out his goodness, his innocence and spirit. It makes a part of me sick, but another part wonders: can he love me now? Can his soul see me - perceive who I really am, and not this charade?

I believe I am far too drunk to have any control over my body. I lean nearer to Angelus and take in his unique scent. I can smell something more than him in this warm bedroom. I get a whiff of arousal, and I think it’s mine. I move to lie down on the bed and press myself into his bed-warmed side. My tongue flicks out and tastes the skin of his chest. He’s cool and smooth; he tastes clean, with a hint of sadness. I slide further up so that his lips are beneath mine. Is this what I want? I press my mouth to his and I feel as if I could weep. His lips taste of peaches.

His mouth opens beneath mine and I slip my tongue into his cool wet depths. The taste is stronger here - pungent and fresh, and I want - need - more of him. I stroke his teeth and palette, trying to tempt his tongue to play with mine. Angelus groans under me and his tongue finally thrusts into my mouth. He sweeps inside, tasting, taking all I am offering him. He feels so wickedly good. His mouth is fantabulous - more perfect than in any of my dreams. His arm moves, and his fingers reach out to touch mine.

Without warning I am thrown from the bed and Angelus scrambles away from me. “OW!” I complain as my head hits the wall. He stares at me with wide, frightened eyes. What the hell is wrong with him? I only kissed him - and it was bloody first-rate too.

“Why... how... I...” he stammers, wide wet eyes staring unbelievingly into mine. I’ve never noticed how perfectly brown they are. How they reflect all that he - all that his soul - is feeling.

“For god’s sake, you haven’t spoken for two weeks, and now you can’t make a sentence. Just bloody well spit it out!” I shout, enraged. I’ve had enough of his self-pity. He submissively lowers his eyes and then, to my utter amazement, starts to undress. He strips out of his trousers and shirt, but leaves his collar on. He kneels on the floor before me, and believe you me it’s a breathtaking sight. I felt my dick respond as soon as he commenced stripping. Now it’s erect and throbbing and I want him and I wi... Hold on!

“What are you doing?!” I yell, suddenly vexed.

“I deserve it. I’ve done worse to you - take what you want.”

Oh, Bloody hell! He’s sacrificing his body to me for his supposed crimes. He wants me to rape him! I don’t want to violate him! I want him willingly in my arms - that was what the whole brooding part was about! I don’t just brood for anyone - I want him to see me! I wanted him to notice I had always lusted for him... I need him to sodding want me! I want... There’s a hell of a lot of wants here. Fuck! He’s botched the whole thing up. I can’t think straight now. I start to pace before him and reach in my pocket for those new things they call cigarettes. I light one up and try to calm down.

He’s always pissing up my plans. I did everything I could to get him to notice me as Angelus - and now he wants me to ravage and violate him! I mean I could just take him - shag him raw. The problem remains that I won’t allow my desire for him to be turned into his punishment. I won’t be a messenger for his penance. No bloody way! I continue to pace and I watch him from the corner of my eye. He lifts his head and stares meekly up at me. He’s so beautiful, even more so, if possible, with that light in his eyes.

“Daddy?” Dru calls in a sleepy voice. She sits up in bed, and studies Angelus for a moment. “Naughty Daddy, it’s daylight. Come back to bed and tell me a story,” she scolds him, wagging her finger.

“He’ll come in a moment, luv. Go back to sleep.” Dru does as I suggest and smuggles deeper under the covers.

I turn my attention back to Angelus to tell him... hold on, he’s gone. What the hell? I run from the bedroom as quick as my rapidly sobering legs will let me, and into the courtyard. I usually love these continental houses with their little sunny courtyards - but not today, however. Because Angelus now stands on the edge of that courtyard, his body tensed in preparation to cross into the light. Beyond him the morning sun slowly creeps towards us.

“Angelus! What the hell are you doing?”

“I deserve this. I deserve to die. I did so much evil. I am an abomination before god! A murderer and... oh... oh god, I killed so many. They scream out to me from the dark. They scream for mercy... for justice... I can’t shut them out... I can’t... they never keep quiet.”

I don’t interrupt him but let him continue, for this is my first talk ever with the soul. I need to hear what it has to say.

“I tried to deny them. I tried to go back to my life with Darla... with my family. I wanted it uncomplicated again. I wanted to exist without the compassion, the torment, and the fear. I couldn’t... I couldn’t kill. I tried... I really did... I just couldn’t.” He gives a loud sob. “I wanted to go home. I wanted to belong again, but I don’t have a home now... I... I disgust you, don’t I? You won’t even take your revenge on me. This body is a vile monstrosity, a conduit of evil, so I have to destroy it.”

Destroy it! Destroy that paragon of a body? Now *that* would be the real crime here.

“NO! Don’t you dare move a muscle!” This soul never ceases to astound me. It’s so contrary to Angelus. It feels, it fears, it cares. It is learning to accept its emotions. Emotions that Angelus never experienced, for he was devoid of all humanity. “You never felt this before, did you? Before the soul you felt nothing.”

“No!” he bellows, “I killed, I took and I never felt anything. I was empty... oh god, I wish I was empty now. All I hear is their screams. I try to grieve for them. I try to say I’m sorry so many times, but it’s not enough. It hurts. Oh god, William, it hurts!” Angelus collapses on the floor and starts to sob again. He called me William! He has never called me that - ever. It was boy, it, thing, hey you - never my name. And he never asked me for help.

“Come back to bed, Angelus.” I tell him, noticing the slight flinch as I use his name. Also it’s morning, I’m drunk, and I can’t deal with this right now! However, my words have upset him even more, and he weeps into his bare knees. I just realised what I said. I called him Angelus. That’s what hurt him. Ehem... What to call him? I just want to go back to bed.

“Angel, come back to bed.” I say again. This time I get a response. He looks up at me, and beautiful, dark chocolate eyes, filled with tears, stare into mine. I don’t know how I could have ever mistaken him for the same old Angelus when he came back. Those eyes are filled with the radiance of a soul. I thought it would disgust me, but the truth is I don’t think he can. My desire outweighs my disgust. I wish I could comfort him, but what can I say? He did do all those things, but I wouldn’t wish him to be without this soul. Without it he would be devoid of all humanity. Why should I deny him - I mean this version of my sire can actually feel - he can love me. I *want* him to love me.

I take Angel’s hand, and gently lead him back into the bedroom. I quickly shed my own clothing, and steer his despairing-self over to the bed. He sits down, totally grief-stricken, and looks up at me with needful eyes. My erect, naked member isn’t far from his mouth, and I wish he would take me into his wet depths. He doesn’t, just stares into my eyes, as if he can find all the answers there that he requires, as if I could take his pain away. This simple action is so sexual and sensual. So erotic - him just looking at me, me looking at him. I help him lie back on the bed and I slide in next to him. We face each other and my hand rests on his chest. Angel shivers. I wonder if he has ever touched another man. I haven’t, and yet I don’t feel afraid.

“Angel, have you ever...?” I whisper.

My sire shakes his head and looks a little flustered. I lean forward and brush my lips against his warmed ones. He slowly parts his lips and invites me inside. He tastes better than the first time, as our tongues touch and taste in a sensual dance. Finally, when I pull away, he asks me the same question.

“No, I waited for you,” I answer truthfully. I French kiss him again, to prevent any questions he might have. I don’t want to speak right now. I just want to touch and hold. I pull him into my arms, ignoring my throbbing cock, and finally allow myself to sleep.


I awake in the late afternoon to find myself in a bed full of bed-warmed limbs. My pillow is Angelus - sorry - Angel’s chest, with my arm around Dru’s back, while her head rests facing mine. It feels so divine, too good to be true. This is something that was never done. I might have seen Angelus naked, but I was never allowed to touch. When he fucked Dru as Angelus (pre-soul), Dru never slept with him entangled after sex. I snuggle deeper into my sire’s embrace, and I hear a soft feminine laugh.

“Little bird nearly flew the coop. Naughty bird touched the sky.” I have no idea what she’s referring to. She chortles again, cuddling up closer to our shared sire. I’m not sure if I like her this close. Now that thought was a shock! I never dreamed I could be jealous of Dru. I’ve always adored her, but not like I loved Angelus. She was the only one I could have, but it never meant I wanted him any less.

“He’s not going anywhere, Dru,” I say, trying and calm her fears.

“Daddy’s little light says he shouldn’t love us,” she pouts, pushing out her sweet bottom lip.

“Light? What do you mean?” I won’t lose him, not now - not ever. She doesn’t reply and slips back into sleep again. I lift my head and regard Angel’s sleeping face. It’s so strange that even in sleep he doesn’t look like the demon that sired me. His face looks angelic, so pure. I caress his cheek and he automatically presses against my hand.

What did Dru mean, that he can’t love us? He is capable now of that emotion. Angelus could never experience emotions other than a base few, such as anger and lust, but this being - this soul - can experience them all. I saw it in his eyes. I saw pain, sorrow, grief, need - he can feel! My hand moves to his neck and the leather collar. Unexpectedly, I feel conscience-stricken knowing I put it there. It served its purpose; it kept him with us. My hands slip around his neck and I unfasten the buckle. I think I shall keep it as a souvenir.

Although it’s still early for vampires, I cannot sleep. Thoughts of Angel and of Dru’s words bother me. So I set myself the task of finding food for Angel. I know he won’t feed from the living. Will he hate us for that - for killing? Oh shit, I never thought of that. Maybe that is what Dru meant. In the end our ways shall drive him away from us. The question is, can we survive without living human blood? Do I want to? Do I covet him that much, that I’m willing to give up killing and feeding? Oh damn. I don’t know. It’s who I am - I am a vampire and underneath so is he. I created Spike for Angelus, can I recreate him for Angel? Why me? Why can’t unlife be bloody simple? Why can’t it be like this:- see walking meals on legs - kill meals - feed, fuck, and everyone is happy. No, I get the lunatic and the soul-ed vampires. Nothing is ever straightforward, but if it, was Angel would not be here with me. Where are my bloody fags?

Okay, it has been a long night, but I think I solved the feeding problem. I’ve found a butcher who doesn’t ask too many questions, and is willing to sell me the blood from his slaughtering. All I needed to do next was to acquire the money - which was easy.... vampires make damn efficacious pickpockets. Then it’s back home and to... oh, Bloody hell now what?!

When I arrive back home, all I can hear is Dru’s singing, loud sobbing, and the whole place stinks of fear. What’s happened now? I dash into the bedroom and find Dru cradling Angel in her arms. He’s weeping hysterically.

“What happened?” I yell, panicked. Are they hurt? What?

“Naughty Spikey, you took away his home. He’s not safe. Not safe. Not safe,” she drones the words over and over.

What the hell is she talking about? I wish just once she’d talk lucidly. Just once...

“Puppy has no leash. Not safe.”

Leash! Oh, damn it. I scurry frantically back into the main room, and grab up the collar I removed from Angel. Why does he cling to this? I return back into the bedroom, strip off my coat, and clamber onto the bed. Dru is far from pleased with me, and slaps me around the head. How was I supposed to know? I take Angel from her arms and hold him to me.

“I’m so sorry, Angel. I didn’t know.” I take the collar and replace it around his neck. Soon the sobs quieten and he curls up into my embrace. His soul certainly does make him do strange things. I wonder why he needed it back? Suddenly, I remember long ago when I was very small, and my mother took from me an old worn wooden horse. I loved that toy, it was my security. It felt and smelled like home and love. Maybe this collar is Angel’s security and safeguard. Maybe he has attached feelings of home and need to it. I put it on him so he wouldn’t leave us - maybe he thinks it holds him fast to us.

“I won’t let you go,” I murmur into his ear as I comb my fingers comfortingly through his hair.

So another disaster was averted and Angel still wears his collar. I had a new one made, from the finest leather with a golden buckle. I didn’t say anything, and just put it on while he was sleeping. I think he liked it. It was better than that old worn one. It’s strange, but every time I see him wearing it makes me horny. The sight of my collar around his fine neck - and *wow*, instant hard-on. Oh yeah, Angelus would make a fine sex slave. The only problem is I don’t want him like that. I desire him as my equal, my lover. I want him willing, passionate and just as eager as I am. Oh, bloody hell. I’ve got to stop thinking about my sexual desire for him. Where are my fags?!

One month later:

It’s strange how things change. Never dreamed I would be living like this. Dru, Angel and me. Greece is pleasant, warm, and quiet. Angel needs to have tranquillity and rest for awhile. I can’t stay here forever though, I need some adventure soon, but Dru and Angel are finding themselves here. It’s weird how the world turns. I am suddenly no longer the youngest, the bad boy, the wild one. I provide the blood, the entertainment, and I keep the house clean. They provide all my problems.

Angel has started talking again, and he actually spends a lot of time just speaking with Dru. I’m amazed at how close they are becoming. Angel tells her stories as he combs her hair. It’s as if he treats her like a china doll. She loves every second of it too. Dru, with a sane Angelus’ company, seems to be more rational herself. Oh, she has the occasional fit, fight, and mope. She wouldn’t be my Dru if she didn‘t. Although she is becoming more stable, under Angel’s compassionate parental care. Yet he never acts fatherly around me. With me it’s like he’s trying to be... I think he wants to be my friend. We talk, chat, sit together in silence, and now I feel more comfortable around my soul-ed sire than I do with Dru or anyone else for that matter.

We all sleep in the same bed, arms wrapped around each other. Nothing has happened beyond than that. Apart from a little heavy groping and necking now and then. I think that’s my problem. I desperately need sex, but they aren’t pushing it - not even Dru. For days now it feels like I’m a walking hard- on. I crave release and I want - no, need it - now. The problem is I don’t know which one to approach. If I choose Angel will he be dismayed from the advances by another man. I kissed him, and he seemed pretty willing. Nevertheless, he did try to commit suicide after. Then there’s my lovely Dru. The difficulty is: will Angel think I don’t want him? Oh god, make your mind up. Angel or Dru. Dru or Angel. Maybe Dru then Angel. Or Angel then Dru. Then... That’s it!

As dawn comes and we settle into our warm bed, I immediately pounce on Angel and kiss him vehemently. I can tell he’s shocked and stiff, and he doesn’t know how to respond to me. Maybe I made a mistake. I pull away from his lips and gaze into wide brown eyes.

“You don’t love us, do you?” I knew Dru was right - he doesn’t desire me.

“I shouldn’t,” he acknowledges in a whisper, “My soul screams out that I shouldn’t love you. That I should deny the demon in me.”

I knew it. I knew he was just staying because...

“I do though. I do love you, so much it hurts.” There are tears in Angel’s eyes and I can see how arduous this is for him.

“You love me? You love Dru?”

“I love you both, as my childer and so much more. You saved me; you showed me how to try and sort out this mass of overwhelming emotions I feel. Emotions I’ve never felt before. I understand now.” This time Angel leans forward and kisses my lips. His touch is gentle and hesitant. I kiss him back, but my mind is locked in shock mode - it’s still stuck on the part where he said he loved us - loved me!

“Say it again, please,” I murmur into his mouth.

“I love you.”

This time, when I kiss him it is with all the pent-up passion I posses. All the long years of waiting for Angelus to finally notice me. The strange thing is - it wasn’t Angelus that saw me in the end, but Angel, and I think I love this one to a greater extent. This emotional and guilt-ridden man is mine, and he freely admits he loves me. That would never have come from Angelus’ mouth.

I press Angel back onto the soft bed, and continue to worship his mouth. I had forgotten that Dru was there until I feel soft lips kissing my back.

“Dru...” I pull away from Angel, straddling his chest. “I love you too, luv, but I want...”

“I know...” she replies, “you have bright lights, like little fireworks. Stars inside your head. You can play first,” she giggles. Dru jumps off the bed and pads into the other bedroom to continue sleeping. I’m a little hurt that I’ve sent her away, but I know she understands. She knows of my need to be alone with Angel, my desire to lose myself in him. I had planned on taking them both or whichever was willing. I was desperate to come at the time, aching for someone to touch me. Still, all that is forgotten, now that I have Angel in my arms. Angel, who is finally willing and game to make love with me.

The only problem is that I have no idea how to do this. Yes, I might be a vampire. Yes, I should be bi-sexual or what not, but the truth is I’ve never done it with a man. I might have lusted after one for decades, but that doesn’t mean I wanted any Tom, Dick or Harry. I desired this one before me. I think I did better than his previous incarnation - I have the best version of my sire lying under me. And I believe I favour this position.

I gaze down into Angel’s eyes, and I can see he’s concerned about upsetting Dru. “Don’t worry, luv. She will play later.” I laugh at his shocked expression as I lean down and press my lips to his. I had predicted that Angel would be a grand kisser. I’m not wrong either. He is all tongue, lips, teeth - all probing, caressing, touching. It’s mind-blowing. It’s like having your whole mouth venerated.

I stroke my hands down the length of his hard, naked chest until I reach his navel. What’s this? A laugh? Angel breaks away from my mouth, and continues with his little chuckles. Ah! Can Angel be ticklish? I use my fingers, then tongue to join in the battle, and in no time I have him panting, laughing and squirming under me. He’s begging me to stop. I don’t think I want to. I’ve never seen him like this. I’ve never seen him laugh with pure joy, or seen his face so beatific as it is now.

Finally, I capture his mouth again and we kiss deeper, more energetically as our hands grasp each other. Fingers touch, roaming across firm skin I’ve only seen but never handled. Moving lower, my hands grasp his long, hard cock, which throbs in my hands. It’s strange how he feels so different from me. He’s long and thicker, while mine is long but straighter. I pump my hands up and down his length squeezing him lightly. It looks like we enjoy the same rough handling here, and I note this as he groans deeply. I remove one hand, and slide it between his legs and cup his balls - another little squeeze. Angel writhes on the bed and starts to pant under my ministrations. I lower my mouth over his cock, needing to taste him for the first time. On the end of his cock hangs a drop of milky pre-come. It tastes slightly bitter on my tongue, but creamy as well. I take him in deeper and suckle at the head.

“Oh... Spike... Will... Uhm...” he moans. I don’t know which name I like better coming out of his mouth. Neither sounded like this from Angelus‘. I continue my exploration of Angel’s cock and slide him deeper into my mouth. My free hand moves down, while the other still rolls his balls gently. I find his small puckered opening and press against it. This must be wrong! There is no way my cock could fit into there. I quickly lick my finger, and return my mouth back to exploring Angel’s tool. He’s beyond all rational responses by now and just moans parts of my name as I continue to suck him down.

My slick finger pokes at his tiny opening, and with a little pressure I breach the tight ring of muscle. Angel groans and thrusts his body down onto my mouth and finger. I wonder if he felt me invade him, or was he just trying to get his cock deeper? I continue my prodding of his hole, and my finger slips in deeper as he relaxes. It’s astounding; he is so warm and tight around my digit. His muscles squeeze me as his cock thrusts into my mouth. I remove my finger, and then return now with two, pressing them into that tight ring.

“Will!” he gasps. I can tell he’s nearing orgasm, because the large vein under his cock has started to throb against my tongue. I continue my caresses, because I want to feel him spurting against my tongue. I want to taste him. I continue to work my fingers deeper into his sheath-like passage. Oh, he’s so unbelievably tight, clenching his muscles which quiver with his raising passion. I bear down into him harder than before and rub against something.

“ARRRGH!” Angel screams, as his cold dead seed fills my mouth. I swallow him down, enjoying the taste. I remove my mouth, after cleaning him, and smile up into his startled face. He’s staring at me, completely flabbergasted.

“Did I hurt you, luv?” I ask, anxious that he won’t want to repeat this.

“No,” he squeaks out, “Er... No,” he restates stronger this time. His voice has a slight tremble in it. “Your fingers in my... Uh... What did you do?”

Oh, that. Liked it did he? I wriggle my fingers again and he groans. I give a little jab and knock against that spot.

“Will!” he cries. Angel’s head falls back and he arches his back. Wow! He’s one great looking guy - especially when having sex. Angel seems to glow with sexual heat. I move my fingers inside his hole and thrust hard a couple of times.

“Stop!” he begs. I remove my hand a little reluctantly, but he did ask me to stop.

“What are you doing?” he yells unbelievingly.

“You said stop.” I’ve never seen Angel sexually agitated. He grabs hold of my hand and licks my fingers. If I could get any more erect, I would. I can’t believe how erotic my fingers look in his mouth. He wets them and urges them back into his clenching anus.

“I mean: don’t ever stop!” He pulls his legs up to his chest and lies back. I think he’s getting the hang of his. His position reveals that tight hole in all its glory. I still haven’t worked out how I’m supposed to fit in there yet. I ram my fingers into him again, and he yells appreciatively. I watch as his hole sucks me in deeper, and as I rub against that little nub, he yells my name again, his cock starting to swell. He must really like this. I wonder if he can take three fingers?

This time instead of using spittle, I reach over to the bedside table and grab Dru’s cold cream. I haven't a clue why she has it around. It’s not like she’s going to get lines and wrinkles. She can’t - she’s dead. I slick up three fingers and press them back into his anus. Angel trembles as I brush against that spot. I wonder what it feels like. When I touch it it’s like he has little electrical shocks.

“More... Please... Oh, Spike... Will, more... Deeper.” Angel’s becoming a real sound machine. Just like those new phonograph things. I pull my fingers free, then slick up another. Now I press four fingers back into his beautiful tight orifice. I think I see now how I’ll fit inside. His tiny anus stretches easily around my fingers as I piston them in and out. Then it closes over as I withdraw.

“OH! Will...” he howls as I find that little nub inside him and brush against it more forcibly. I am totally bewildered by how his cock hardens without any other stimulation, and has even started leaking more pre-cum. I move forward and lick it off. Damn, he tastes so good on my tongue.

“Will, what are you doing to me?” He arches his back and thrusts onto my hand. I wonder if he knows how beautiful he is? How incredible he looks fucking himself on my hand? “Are you punishing me?”

Does it feel like it? “No, Angel, I am loving you.” I add more cream to his cleft and then press in my thumb, spreading his sphincter to accommodate my fist.

“Will!” he gasps in passion. His head is thrown back on the bed. He arches more and rocks himself deeper onto my fist. I curl my fingers and caress his core bliss point deep inside his passage He’s gasping and panting, not sure which way to move. “No... one’s... No one’s ever loved me...” I don’t even need to touch his cock. It’s swelling all by itself. “I don’t deserve... I don’t...”

“Shhh. I love you, Angel.” I think I really do. I think I’ve allowed myself to love him. Allowed him to replace all the images of Angelus in my heart and take it over completely. This soul-ed vampire has helped me find myself again. I know I’m not fully William - I never will be again - but I *am* capable of his love. Capable of feeling what his human heart felt. Nevertheless, I am still Spike. I still yearn for the 3 F’s: fighting, feeding and fucking. Oh Yes, that last F is my greatest desire, now more than anything. I think I will want to fuck Angel for all time. Fuck him, have sex with him, make love to him. If he feels as glorious around my cock as he does my fist, I think I’ll be permanently attached.

I continue with my hard fisting, and soon he’s crying out my name as his orgasm approaches. Seconds later, his cock erupts over his flat stomach and he screams his climax. I remove my hand and lick off the semen on his skin. Angel lies back on the bed panting for unneeded breath, his body still trembling now and then from the aftermath of his mind-blowing orgasm. He looks like a fallen angel lying in our bed. His body spread out like a forbidden offering. His arms have fallen back on the mattress, his legs stretched wide open, giving me a perfect view of his quivering hole. A place I desire my cock to be encompassed by. His anus looks to be pulsating, sore and well used, but I can’t be patient another moment. I’m so painfully hard that it’s doing my head in. I have to experience his divine ass now! While he still has his eyes closed, I add more cream, this time to my cock, and slip inside him.

“Will!” he yells, “so good... Fuck...” His body contracts around my length, as if in a dry orgasm. Gods, he is so gorgeous. “Me... Fuck... Mmm...”

I have to agree with that. This is fucking great. He’s so tight, even after he has had my hand inside him. His muscles grip my cock fiercely, and I’ve never felt pressure like this.

“Oh, Angel,” I groan as I start a deep, hard rhythm. A part of me wants to take this slow and enjoy the feeling of him. I do try, but I just can’t. He’s so constricted inside, grips me so well, that I want to pound into him.

“Harder...” he gasps.

Okay then, you asked for it. I seize hold of his legs and shove down on them on either side of his head. I kiss his lips hard and plunge my cock even deeper inside, just like my tongue fills his mouth. I’m so deep now - so connected to him - I’m sure I’m going to meet somewhere in the middle. Our rocking becomes frantic and our words are lost. What can you say when the whole world is crashing down around you? It feels like I’m standing on the edge of heaven and hell. Pain and pleasure are one mass of feeling, and I can’t distinguish between them. All to soon this feeling has to end. I feel my orgasm mounting, burning its way through my balls, my cock, and up into my body.

I look down to see Angel’s shaft is erect again, rubbing hard against my chest. I lean down and lick him. “Come with me, Angel.” He howls as I take him into my mouth and instantly he floods my throat.

Moments later, I deluge his tight passage and leak out onto the bed. Wow! I don’t think I’ve ever had one this powerful before. With the last of my strength I pull out of Angel’s ass with a slight pop, and collapse beside him. I kiss him ardently as he tastes himself on my tongue. Angel groans into my mouth, and his angelic body wraps around me. I’ve never embraced Angelus before - well, it looks like I never will. But Angel’s warmed body is like heaven. His skin presses against mine, which sends shock waves through me. I’ve never had a lover make me feel like he does just from a simple touch.

“I never want anything more than this,” he whispers. I touch his neck gently, and the collar that stands out against his pale skin. My collar, on my lover. He’s my lover now. He looks up at me and smiles. His hand covers mine. “Did you know this is against the Lore?”

“You and Darla were never ones to follow the Lore, not really,” I remind him.

“I think we are beyond vampire Lore. It means nothing to me anymore. I obeyed Darla like I should do. I expected you to obey me like you are required to do. But things are different... I am... I have a soul now. I don’t want your obedience - I want this. I want your love. I want us to belong to each other, not through claiming in the vampire sense, but because we love.” I’m totally stunned by his little speech. I think it’s the most words he has ever said to me, about who he is and how he feels. Also, these are words I never dreamed would come from Angelus’ mouth. No - I have to remember that this is the soul talking now. Not Angelus - not the demon - but a human soul. A soul that wants human love, who’s desperately trying to devour all the love I can give him.

Suddenly, however, he stiffens in my embrace and pulls away. “Angel, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to be happy with you. You shouldn’t want me. I’ve done things... Terrible things to you... I...”

I grab his arms and pull him back down with me on the bed. My fingers touch his collar and I gently kiss his lips again.

“Why do you wear this?” I inquire curiously. He gives me a sheepish look, timid even.

“It reminds me of home. Of you and Dru. It feels like family,” he whispers. His voice trembles and tears fill those soul-filled eyes.

I understand. It is his safety blanket. A real tie to this world, and something protecting him from his own melancholy. A bond to me - Hey, I like it! Maybe I could get him a chain collar? Or one with spikes on it! Nah, I wouldn’t be able to get close enough to bite him then.

“You aren’t Angelus, my love.” I kiss his hair and stroke down his back, to his crack. My fingers find his hole and I press one inside. He gasps and arches himself into me, trying to thrust on my finger. “You are Angel. My lover. Not childe, or sire. I belong to you and you belong to me.” I have no idea where these words are coming from. It’s like poetry. Spike is a person who wouldn’t let these words pass his lips, and yet I don’t feel any weaker by saying them. Weird. Love is a strange, extraordinary reaction. I thought it was a weak emotion, which was also why Angelus denied it. It turns out he didn’t deny it - he just couldn’t feel it. Love is stronger than anything else. It changed me - it made me Spike, but now it’s holding Angel here with me. He wears that collar because he loves me - loves us. His family. His home. I think I can live with that.

I wake still embraced in Angel’s arms, but to my surprise Dru is lying next to him. She’s awake and stroking Angel’s long dark hair away from his face.

“He’s not really my daddy is he, Spike?” I kiss her nose and she rests her head on his arm.

“If you’re asking if he’s Angelus - no, he’s not, luv. He’s still like him in a way. He remembers everything, but he has a soul now. Do you understand that?”

“Sweet little bird. Sings such a sad song.”

I think she gets it.

“Will he hurt me?”

“No, pet. He won’t hurt you.”

“Not even if I ask for it?”

“No. Well, I don‘t think so. Not pain-pain, maybe pleasure-pain or...” Oh god, I’m babbling. Gotta shut up now... where’s my fags?

“No snakes in the woodhouse?”

Huh?

“Can I ride him like a donkey, with whip and boots?”

Again, Huh?

“I love you, pet, but sometimes you just go right over my head. Still, I don’t think he’d like you actually riding him like a donkey. If you mean that way that is...” What am I saying? God only knows what Drusilla is talking about.

“Hello, Daddy!” She sits up and kisses him on the nose. He looks at us a little sleepily; he’s a little uncomfortable with Dru, but he doesn’t retreat from my embrace. “Can I ride you Daddy?”

Even he has the ‘Huh?’ face. He looks over at me and I just shrug.

“You’re awake early,” he finally comments. I laugh. He has great difficulty coping with his memories of what Angelus did to Drusilla - especially concerning sex. Still, they have become closer in the last few months. No longer is there that pain-suffering-pain relationship but something more - something new - a little like parenthood I think. Dru grins from her resting place on his arm, but then kisses Angel, her tongue sweeping inside his mouth. Angel draws away instantly.

“I’m sorry Dru... I can’t... What I did... I can’t...” he begs with a little sob.

Dru lets out a loud miserable wail and buries herself in my arms. Please Dru, I can’t cope with a tantrum right now.

“Angel, you’re upsetting her!” I grab Angel’s arm as he tries to rise, and pull him back onto the bed. Dru weeps softly into my chest and I hold her tight.

“Spike, I can’t do this. I hurt her. Oh god, I raped her... in that convent... I did things...” There are tears rolling down his cheeks. I reach out, grabbing his collar, and tug him down to me so we are face to face.

“She wants you to touch her. She wants you - Angel - not Angelus!”

“I can’t!”

“Dru what do you want? Who is this?”

“Little birdie with sad song, stars tell me of drifting lights,” she sobs, “So pretty with sparkly lights. I want sparkly lights!”

I think that says it all - I hope. I urge Angel onto his back and kiss him reassuringly. He relaxes into my embrace and I hold him tight. I can almost taste his fear, his disgust, not towards us but for himself. For what Angelus did. Now Dru wants to experience what I have - this new Angel’s body and emotions. She wants to touch Angel’s soul. She needs to taste the love inside him, to touch his grief, his pain. She desires to learn how to forgive him just as I have. I think I’ve just stunned myself - I actually understood Dru!

When Angel’s hard and moaning beneath me, I move aside and guide Dru so she’s straddling his body. She rests herself into the cradle of his hips and rubs her wet folds against him.

“Sing, my little starlight. So bright. So pretty,” she moans. “So many sad songs. So much taste - Oh Spike, he’s so juicy.”

Okay, I’m getting a little lost here. I think she’s talking about his human soul and his new emotions - maybe. Then again, she could be thinking of him like an apple to be plucked. I can’t be sure. Dru leans down and licks at Angel’s moist lips.

“You taste like tears. A river flowing down towards me. So much pain - so many lights. You see me, don’t you?” Dru licks away the tears on Angel’s cheeks. He can’t talk; he is consumed by emotion. “I forgive you!” Dru screams as she impales herself on his erect rod. Angel’s body arches off the bed and he howls in surprise.

“Dru! Dru!” he cries, “Oh, forgive me!”

His hands catch her hips and he pounds away inside her. The sight of their bodies crashing together makes me drool. I have to have myself some of this. I want to experience what they are feeling. I nudge Angel over so that he rolls Dru beneath him. She gasps and moans as he’s driven deeper. I grab hold of his hips and hold him still. My fingers poke at his hole and Angel begs me on.

“Oh, yes! Oh... Spike...” He automatically spreads his legs wide, opening himself, welcoming me inside. This time I have no lubricant at hand, so I bite into my wrist. I quickly cover my cock, and position myself at his entrance. With a sharp, violent thrust I’m buried completely inside.

“Angel!” He’s so bloody tight! I start a slow, hard pounding into my sire, which rocks him forcibly deeper into Dru. She’s moaning and laughing her pleasure out into his ear. Her hands clutch at his back, holding him to her, and leaving bloody gouges in his flesh. I’m feeling a little jealous of her experiencing his perfect cock. I can’t help it. This is my lover! But she is also his childe, and entitled to his attentions too. I lean over Angel and press my body to his back. He moans and thrashes beneath me. Our strong bodies crush him between us. My hands slide up to his perfect neck and grab hold of his collar. I love this collar. I yank his head back and lick his throat.

“Yes! Take it!” he begs, “take it all from me, feed from me!” Both Dru and I shift into our true faces and lunge at his throat. Angel howls as our fangs dig into his jugular on both sides. The taste of our sire’s pleasure-filled blood causes all three of us to come as one howling, uncontrolled creature. Finally when all seed and blood is spent, Angel collapses limply between us, and I roll us on our sides.

“Did we drain Daddy?” Dru asks with a sly grin. I believe that like me, this is the first time she has tasted his blood in orgasm.

“Maybe a little,” I pull Angel into my arms and hold him close. Dru curls into his other side and we embrace him between us.

The next night there is an antsy feeling from Angel. He mopes about all evening, and has to be persuaded to brush Dru’s hair. He speaks softly to her and tells her tales of far away places. Tales of a green emerald isle. A land of Druids and mystical warriors. I notice the words sadden him and I wonder what it means.

“Where is this place, luv,” I ask when Drusilla finally dances away from him.

“Eire,” he murmurs. “The land of my birth. The English called it Ireland.”

“Guess you didn’t like the English much.” Angel gets this distant look on his face, as if he’s remembering his life there a good century ago.

“I was Irish Roman Catholic and we weren’t allowed to hold prominent positions under the protestant English. They came and took our lands, and our jobs. My father was a merchant, and with each year under their rule we had less and less.”

“So you didn’t like them, then?” I grin at him and he looks at me a little self-consciously, finding interest in nibbling his nail. I guess he didn’t realise he was doing the whole proud to be Irish thing to an Englishman. On the whole though, what do labels really mean to us? We are vampires, not men. But I speculate about Angel - I mean, what do I class him as now? Human with a vampire body, or vampire with a soul? I wonder if there will be a time when these divisions will affect us as they did between the English and the Irish?

“I miss her,” he whispers, breaking into my own internal thoughts.

“Ireland?”

“No... I...” I sit down beside him, wrapping my arms around his large body, embracing him to me. He trembles in my arms, and I can tell this memory is heartbreaking for him. “I miss my sister. She was more than ten years younger than I was. She was such a beautiful, young lass. So innocent. She invited me in. She called me her angel.” There are tears running down his face as he reminisces about her. “I killed her. So quickly did I snuff out her innocent life, and I didn’t care. I snapped her neck and felt nothing.”

“Shh... It’s okay...” What can I say to him? I am a vampire. I don’t feel the strength of guilt he is experiencing. It’s not in our nature. I might have human emotions, unlike Angelus, but I don’t think I have empathy. I do the only thing I can think of. I kiss him. I smile as his wet face brushes against mine and the kiss is sweet and pure. Wow, did I really think those words? Sweet and pure?! Still, it is a huge turn-on. Especially when his hand moves down my body and cups my crotch. I’ve totally lost the pure part now.

“Hmm... You taste like peaches, Peaches,” I laugh, and for the first time I see humour in Angel’s eyes.

“You taste like burnt weeds,” he answers back, with a slight smile. “Weedy.” I kiss him again, and swallow his little chuckle. I reach down and smack his ass. He disengages from me with a gasp and to my surprise smacks me back.

“Peaches.”

“Weedy.” I haul him up from the seat, and manhandle him into the bedroom. Gods, I want to swive him so bad. How does he do this to me? At first he was crying and now all I want is to copulate with him.

“Will, what are you doing to me?” he murmurs, as my lips catch his in another desperate kiss. I can’t answer - I was thinking that myself, and I have no idea. I propel Angel back onto the bed and we attack each other’s clothing. Soon naked skin rubs against naked skin, and it’s perfection. Our moans continue and we grasp each other’s cock. His hand is so large and strong as he pumps me. Suddenly I want more; I want to feel all of him.

“Angel, I want you inside me,” I beg him. Angel draws away instantly, his body going stiff. Oh bloody hell, I thought we had gotten over this! “What now?” I question angrily.

“I’m... I ... Well, I don’t know how.”

Huh? He’s embarrassed! The ex-Scourge of Europe is embarrassed! I playfully hit his arm and laugh when he hits back.

“What if I can’t...”

“Angel, you would be my first. Just as I was yours,” I laugh slightly, at his sheepish look. “Anyhow I won’t know if you’re doing badly, will I?”

Angel smiles slowly, and is about to argue again when I press my fingers over his lips. “You liked it when I did you?” He nods, giving me a shy look under long black lashes. “You loved it when my cock filled you up?” Even though he’s a vampire there is still a light blush on his cheeks. “When I filled your sweet, tight ass? When I flooded your bowels with my essence, marking you as mine?” He moans sultrily and nods again. I think he’s getting off with my dirty talk, especially if that long hard cock pressing into my stomach is anything to go by. “That’s all you have to do to me. What I did to you.”

“Why?” Now that’s a question I never expected.

“You said we are no longer ‘childe’ and ‘sire‘. I don’t want control over you, and I don’t want you to control me. I want us to be...” What’s the word? Partners? Yuck! Courting? Even worse. Lovers. Much better... not all what I want, but it will do for now. Mates? Well, not yet. “Lovers.” Angel’s eyes widen in amazement and he kisses me again with tender lips.

“You want to love me? When you know what I’ve done - What I am?” he murmurs against my lips.

“Yes.”

“I’m not Angelus - I can’t, be not for anyone. I tried, but...”

“I don’t want Angelus any longer. I want you.”

This time Angel kisses and it doesn’t end. His mouth tastes of sadness and joy intertwined. A strange combination, but I think I can get used to it. His hands caress me softly, gently, as if I could break. It‘s so strange, knowing what those hands could do, to have them touch me like this. They could kill in a second, torture for hours, but this isn’t the same man. He might have the memories of Angelus, but this Angel is full of tenderness and love.

I’m not entirely sure if I’m going like this delicate lovemaking.

Angel starts at my shoulders and works his way down, kissing and caressing every inch of my pale skin. It’s a very strange but sensual feeling. It makes me feel warm and glowing. It’s making my cock rock hard, which is another total surprise. His lips reach my navel and his tongue swirls around it. Oh, bliss. He slides down even further and licks roughly at my thighs. Please, damn well touch it!

“Angel...” I moan. Wow! Where have all my cocky words gone? Angel licks around my cock, wetting the short curls and then blowing over them. The sensation sends shivers up my body and my dick starts dripping pre-come. I don’t think I’m going to last long with all this tender and loving touching. I never thought it would do it for me, but he’s proving me wrong. Angel moves up to catch the tiny droplets of pre-come, licking me clean. He blows on the wet surface of my cock head, and I’ve got a few things to say about this sensation - it’s bloody staggering. He does it again and again.

“Take me, more,” I beg, as Angel sucks me into his mouth and starts to gently lick me up and down.

“Harder!” I plead, but the momentum of his ministrations doesn’t change. I watch with wide eyes as my cock disappears deeper into Angel’s mouth. I feel the head brush against his throat, and I slowly go deeper as he swallows me down. He squeezes his throat hard around me, and I feel like dying all over again.

“Oh, YES!” Suddenly, the sensation increases as Angel beings to purr. That completely does it for me. I howl as I flood his throat with my dead seed. I feel the tremors of his purr pass up through my cock into my whole body. I never thought vibration could be so effin’ good. I can take a whole lot more of Angel’s loving, that’s for sure!

Angel cleans and then releases me. He looks over my sprawled form and asks in a worried voice, “Are you okay?”

Do I look okay? I’ve just had my brains blown out!

“Hmm...” Is that all I can manage? What is it about this man that completely undoes me? Back when I was human, I never dreamed - not once - about having a male lover, but now... now I would never let him go. I want his mouth permanently attached to my cock. Angel seems to take my response as the signal for him to continue. He moves me onto my front and gently parts my legs. At this moment he can do whatever he wants, because I’m just happy jelly lying here.

“ANGEL!” I screech. Okay, I’m hard again. Why? Because Angel’s tongue has just pressed inside my anus. He licks around, pushing at that tight ring of muscle. Wow! I never thought it felt like this. I know Angel enjoyed it when I did it to him, but this is mind-boggling. His tongue moves inside and I purr. I never knew vampires could do this either - purr, that is. I’ve never felt the need to before. He doesn’t reach that spot I found inside him. Maybe we aren't all the same. Suddenly, his tongue withdraws and it’s replaced by a thick finger. I’m not sure if I’m ever going to take that cock of his. His finger feels large enough, and when it’s joined by a second it’s staggering. The stretch painfully burns for a moment, but then fades to a pleasurable sensation.

He pulls at me, then scissors his fingers inside, and it feels kinda strange. I’m about to ask what he’s doing when he pulls away, leaving me empty. Doesn’t he want...? All thoughts freeze, when something larger and slick with what I think is blood, is pressed against my hole. Angel takes hold of my hips and pulls me up, making me rise to my hands and knees before him.

“Will, you sure you want me... Will, you want me to stick... You... Er.”

Angel, now is not the time to stutter! Now’s the time to bloody act. I’m panting and it’s hard to think. His hard cock head is just teasing the entrance to my ass, and he wants me to answer him?! He must, because he’s stopping.

“Angel, do it!” I plead with a yell.

“I love you, Will.”

His body bears down against my back and slowly his rod fills my virgin passage. Did he just say he loved me? Not sure, all I can hear is my own blood thrumming through my brain. It’s amazing what sex does to a vampire’s body. We almost have a heartbeat again. Angel slowly withdraws and plunges back in.

“Harder...” I moan, but he doesn't change the tempo. My cock throbs so hard, I need to touch it. I reach beneath myself and grasp my length. Suddenly, a hand bats me away and Angel takes hold of my dick in a blood-slicked grip. With slow, hard, deep thrusts Angel reduces me to a screaming, panting mass of vampire flesh. Suddenly, with a change of angle, he rams against that nub which makes me scream. I think he has found that special spot. That nub that made him jump as if he’d be electrocuted when I buggered him. I now can see why, too. It’s so hard to think, I can’t speak, and my eyes have gone kinda funny.

“More!” I pant. Oh, he’s killing me slowly.

“Will, so tight! I can’t... I don’t want to hurt you... Oh yes, squeeze me...”

Hurt me? I don’t think he could ever hurt me like this. However, there is something I need. Something he hasn’t done yet.

“Bite me, please!” I howl as the pleasure becomes too intense, and I know I’m going to erupt soon. Angel starts to thrust harder, his hands are gripping my body tight against his. Still, he won’t bite. “Please, fucking bite me!” I feel his tongue lick at my neck, human teeth nip at the skin, but he still doesn’t bite.

“WILL!” Angel screams as he fills my passage with his cooling gift. Immediately after, teeth dig into my skin and I scream my own release. That was bloody amazing! We collapse in a heap on the bed and I touch my throat. There is no wound - he never broke the skin. It’s strange, but I feel a little disappointed. I wanted him to bite me and he won’t. Still, I can’t be bothered to ask him why. My body hums with pleasure and all my muscles have given in. Angel curls into my side and I follow him into sleep.

Over the next few days Angel’s melancholia worsens. He broods all the time and talks less, if that‘s possible. I can hardly get a word out of him. His nightmares are exacerbating, enough to upset and aggravate Dru. She feels it too - Angel’s deterioration into dark misery. It’s like a black cloud hanging over all of us. When he refuses to eat and won’t leave the bedroom - I conclude that enough is enough. He won’t brush Drusilla’s hair, or tell her stories, and that’s all she wants from him. Hell, he won’t even touch me anymore. That’s it. I won’t take this crap from him a second longer.

Angel has become far too thin, refusing to eat. His body is pale, and soon he’s not going to be able to do anything, much less have sex with me. What good will he be then to anyone? To me? He won’t help himself, so I’ve resolved to give him a few home truths. First, I send Drusilla for a walk on the beach, because I don’t think she’ll like what I have planned for Daddy. Then I find a piece of chain and go in search of Angel. It isn’t hard to find him because he’s still sulking in the bedroom.

“Get up!” I yell at him.

Angel doesn’t respond, just curls himself deeper into a ball.

“Get the fuck up!” Nothing. Fine! I won’t put up with this. I won’t live with him when he refuses to move, dress, or bathe. I want that Angel I was getting to know, not this one. I want that Angel that blows my mind when I touch him, or when he touches me.

“This is all because I asked you to bloody bite me, isn’t it? What do you think you are, Angel? You’re a damn vampire, accept it!” Well, that gets me a long way - he’s weeping now. I feel like hitting my head against the wall with him sometimes. No. I won’t accept this and neither shall he. He can grieve, brood, be dismal, and everything else that goes with his regrets, but I won’t let him deny what he is or what I am. “Angel, what are you?” I grab hold of his collar and yank his head back painfully.

“A murderer... a rapist... evil... damned...” he starts to lament. Tears mark his dirty cheeks, and I really want to comfort him at this moment, but I can’t. I won’t let him do this - not to himself, and not to me. If I let him carry on, my deepest fears will be realised. Angel will leave me, abandon me because he feels unworthy and despises what he is - what we are. Well, tough shit! He’s a vampire and so am I.

“I damned you... killed you... Will... murdered... Dru... oh... Dru, I raped her... I killed her...” On and on he goes with his literary of crimes.

I grab his collar, attach the chain to it, then I wrap it around the wrought iron headboard. Angel doesn’t even notice. He doesn’t care what I do to him. Roughly I flip him over on his front and slam inside his asshole. That gets his attention.

“What are you?” I shout.

“Evil... damned... I deserve this... killer...” he pants, gasping with pain.

“What do you feel?”

“Pain... I deserve it... misery... pain...”

“Now?”

“Pain... oh...”

“Now?”

“Oh, please... don’t... stop... don’t stop... more...” I thrust violently, tearing his tender tissue, making Angel groan in pleasure.

“You are a vampire,” I inform him, as I continue to thrust inside his blood-slick passage. “You will always be a vampire. You might have a soul, but you can never change what you are. Accept it. You can feel the pain turn to pleasure. Your vampire body likes this.” I thrust vigorously as Angel slams his ass back into my hips. “You feel the same as I do - as any vampire. You want the same, eat the same, feel the same. Accept what you bloody are and deal with it. You don’t have to kill for blood. You don’t have to hunt or torture. But you won’t dare deny what you are - what I am!” My pounding becomes violently brutal with my anger and fear. His tight passage tears and bleeds around my invasion, but no longer does he feel pain, now it’s just pleasure. I feel almost connected to him at this moment, as if I can taste his emotions, inside this demon sex.

“Will, don’t stop... Please... more... harder...”

I love his begging. I love him. I haul Angel up, breaking the chain with my hands, until he’s upright and almost sitting in my lap. He spreads his legs wider and I slide inside even deeper. His head falls back onto my shoulder and he bares his throat to me.

“Bite... please... take me... all of me...”

Wow! Angelus is begging me to bite him! Well, I know it isn’t really Angelus, but I can dream. This is Angel in my arms - this is the one I want - not Angelus. I lick over his throat and kiss the collar. I can feel our orgasms approaching, but I want more.

“What are you?”

“Uh... a vampire... with a soul...” he grunts out, in time with his frantic thrusting back on my cock. I almost feel like crying.

“What am I?” I manage to choke out as I pump in and out even deeper, his passage open and torn. I think my balls are going to slide in soon. Fuck, no woman could feel like this.

“A vampire... my lover... Mine...” I feel my eyes water at his acceptance, and I don’t stop myself from experiencing this powerful, human feeling of love. It rises up from the deepest part of my dead heart and I almost feel alive again. I can almost see that sunrise I miss so much. For him I will feel this human emotion because it doesn’t make me weaker. I will experience it because he shows me things I never thought I could ever see or feel again. He gives me a light inside the darkness.

With one swift movement I sink my fangs into his throat as I bring my own wrist to his mouth. There is a slight hesitation, but as I climax, filling him deep inside, he bites into my flesh. I experience my blood being pulled from my body as his sire’s blood fills my mouth. This is vampire heaven. Forget all that human shit I was talking about - this is even better. This is how vampires love - with blood, pain and pleasure. I believe we both actually pass out from the overwhelming orgasm, and collapse together in a bloody heap.

I am awakened by Dru’s soft laugh and Angel’s voice. I think... Oh no, I think he’s singing. I open my eyes to find myself using his chest as a pillow. He has got a huge chest, which is just big enough for Dru and I to comfortably share. I gaze up at my lover, and see Dru giggling away as she plaits his hair. He’s singing in a language I don’t recognise - could be that Gaelic again. I know why she’s laughing, because he’s really bad. Angel can’t sing to save his unlife. His caterwauling is enough to drive anyone out of their tree. I giggle - no laugh, a big bad vampire doesn’t giggle - and Angel slaps my arm gently.

This sets Dru off in hysterics, and even Angel chuckles. Then I notice his hair. Dru has plaited it into sections and tied little ribbons to each end. I reach out and tug on one before Dru slaps my hand away. Angelus would never have been seen dead with little braids and pretty ribbons in his hair. Then I realise he’s doing this for Dru - Angel actually cares that he has hurt her, and now he‘s trying to make it up to her. He rolls his eyes at me in a tolerant way, and I laugh merrily.

Angel has recovered well from his little... shall I call it, brooding session. He’s being a good little vampire and drinking his cows’ blood. I still have yet to grow accustomed to it, but going out killing just anyone gets Angel into another mood. It’s funny, but I don’t feel I have anything to prove to him anymore. I did kill, torture and maim just for Angelus. I wanted his attention and with Angel I don’t have to do things to get his awareness. I have to chuckle at him at times, because Dru occasionally calls him her lost little puppy. He looks the part too, with his large, sad eyes and collar.

Anyhow, I have decided that it’s time to leave Greece. It has been pleasantly quiet and I’ve gained a new lover. But it’s time to go - as in now! I think the police are getting a little suspicious of me. I’m sure it can’t be anything to do with the increased crimes in pick-pocketing, burglaries, highway robbery, public nudity, and a few drained copses of known murders and criminals. Nah! Still, I think it’s best we leave. Angel and Dru don’t like the idea much, (tears, rages, the moon doesn’t like me etc,) but they finally bow to my wishes. Just who is head of this clan, huh? Me. Which is actually kind of weird, because I always thought I would have to be more devilish than Angelus to have this kind of domination. I guess love is a power in and of itself, because I can get the soul-ed version of Angelus to bend over any bed, chair, or wall for me. I can get the insane, evil Dru to play nicely and not poke out the eyes of everyone she meets. It’s a phenomenal feeling of control I have. If I had known love works like this, I might have tried it earlier, but then again Angelus was soulless and totally incapable of experiencing such emotions.


I book passage on a boat; the only destination I can get is Italy. I think Angelus and Darla went there in the 18th century and killed a few priests. Angel broods about going back, but I think it has to do more with the fact that Rome is the centre of the Roman Catholic world. Didn’t Angel say that as human he was Roman Catholic? I don’t know a lot about that; I’m English protestant. Dru was once a nun, but I don’t think I would get any reasonable answers out of her anymore.

It takes us a few days to get there, but we finally land at a busy seaport called Bari, which is a growing town of trade and manufacturing. We don’t stay there long, but travel across land towards Naples. Dru is enjoying our little adventure and Oos and ahs at the sights. Not being one for sightseeing, I spend most of the trip observing Angel. It’s funny how one minute he’s up and the next he’s down. He studies the ancient buildings, but turns away from churches and nunneries. One second he’s interested, the next he is distracted by his own memories and grief. Still, ever since our little argument he doesn’t drown himself in his melancholia anymore.

When we arrive at the beautiful city of Naples, my first task is to find a friendly butcher. Angel hasn’t fed much in a week, but Dru and I shared a highway robber that picked the wrong people to accost. Angel was quiet for a whole day after that, but he accepts that we are vampires after all and need to eat. And after all, the man was only a criminal.

We only spent a week in Naples, at the end of which both Dru and I decided we had to leave. On a couple of occasions Angel had left home, only to be discovered weeping, curled up in the bottom of the confessional at the local church. The priests believed he was touched, and well, I didn’t correct them. He wept about his crimes and all the atrocities he had committed as a demon for a hundred and fifty years. I don’t think they would have believed the truth - that he was a vampire with a soul. I wasn’t going to risk them trying to kill him either. After the church incidents, Angel moved on to slashing his wrists and bleeding them dry. Then he found a cross, which he wouldn’t let go off. He couldn’t use his hands for days afterwards. In the end, I decided to leave and go home to territory I understood. We were going to return to England.

This meant another long journey, but I arranged passage on a luxury cruise ship and we actually had fun. I had to book us two cabins. One for my wife Drusilla and I, and the other for my brother, Angel. I wish I could have organised it the other way around. Had Angel as my partner and Dru as my sister. Maybe one day the world will be able to accept Angel as my lover. Still, during the journey he didn’t spend any time in his cabin. We just kept some blood there, which we managed to steal away on board. During the long daylight hours we spent our time in bed we invented new games to pass the time. During the night, the ship was ours. We played when the humans slept. We watched them eat and dance. Then we laughed under the moonlight.

As time went by, our games became more and more captivating. It was a time of special bonding for all of us. We talked and played - well, really we just shagged, but Angel would say differently. Dru liked the game where Angel was the donkey and I rode him. Kinda like that one myself. I’m also partial to watching Drusilla ride Angel, with all the sound effects too. Then there was the one where Dru had dressed him as a woman and plaited his hair again. That night I was laughing so much that I could hardly take him. Angel got his revenge when they ganged up on me. Dru stole a wig, Angel poured me into a dress, Dru applied makeup, and then they dragged me out on the deck. Thankfully, it was past midnight and there were only a few people about. Angel laughed so hard that he ended up collapsed on the deck in hysterics. I didn’t stop them from doing this to me for that reason. His face is so angelic, so pure when he laughs. After a turn around the deck, we found a nice deserted lifeboat and I became the filling in a vampire sandwich.

I can’t remember a time when there had been this kind of happiness in my life. Not as human or vampire - both lives kinda stunk. As a human I was unconfident, and as a vampire I was trying to prove myself to Angelus. To be a vampire I always believed that it would be a hard, dirty, evil and bloodthirsty life. Angelus was all that, but Angel isn’t. We can’t be part of the human world, but we aren’t part of the vampire one either. We have become outcasts and I think I like being an individual. I never really did like being one of the run-of-the-mill demon population. I love my little clan, and I won’t let either one go. Yeah, this is the life. No worries and we will never grow old. I still have difficulties with Dru’s insanity and Angel’s depressions but hey, every family has its ups and downs. Ours are just a little weird.

Two weeks later we arrived in Southampton. I’m not keen on the place; there is too much industry and docks polluting the air, so we travel further up to Oxford. We avoid London because of the Master’s ownership of the place. When I arrived back in England I learned from the British grapevine what had happened to others of our clan. It came as a bit of a surprise to learn that the Master has left England and moved to the New World. Also, there was news that Darla had departed China and returned here. Maybe coming back wasn’t such a good idea.

Angel loves Oxford. Since it’s winter and dusk falls pretty early here in England, around 3pm actually, it gives us more freedom to move around in the human world. During these days I take Angel to the university and bookshops. He spends hours in there reading poetry and philosophy. I avoid that area of literature completely. Still, he did change my mind a little on one occasion. He quoted poetry while making love to me, and it was pretty phenomenal. Something by Robert Burns I think. It was hard to think at the time. Romantic verses too, which Spike shouldn’t remember, but William does.

Oh, My luve’s like a red, red rose, (He kisses me fiercely as his...)

That’s newly sprung in June, (... fingers slide inside and I moan.)

Oh, My luve’s like the meloide, (He purrs as he closes his mouth around my cock. He couldn’t speak for a while then.)

That’s sweetly play’d in tune. (As he licks my climax off his lips.)

As fair art thou, My bonny lad, (slight change of words as his cock slides inside.)

So deep in luve am I, (That’s not the only thing that’s deep.)

And I will luve thee still, my dear, (Deep hard thrusts with each word.)

Till a’ the seas gang dry. (Oh, I can’t take anymore. The sweet words and the sensations of his body crashing into mine.)

And I will come again, my luve, (even I realise that he has skipped a few lines, because not even he can take how impassioned this is. I come all over his stomach.)

Though it were ten thousand-mile. (Angel yells as he spurts deep inside. So in the end, I don’t mind his poetry, at all!)

Wow! I don’t think I’ll forget his loving words and his soft voice ever. Also, I won’t ever let anyone know about that either... well, maybe Dru. They’d think I’ve gone soft. Nope, I might be love’s bitch, but to the rest of the world - I am the big bad. Okay!?

So, I don’t mind when Angel goes off in search of more books. It gives me time to find a butcher, and then take Dru out criminal hunting. We only feed once a week on human blood, the rest of the time it‘s animal. Drusilla doesn't mind killing only criminals. Which surprises me. She laughs on how wicked their blood tastes and how it makes her tongue tingle. On these nights we have sex together, then clean ourselves of human blood, then crawl back into bed with Angel. Angel doesn’t like the smell of fresh human blood - believe it or not, it makes him sick. A vampire who gets nauseated over blood! He doesn’t complain about our activities, since I made him recognise that we are still vampires, so he accepts our need to hunt now and then. Well, after we also make him feel better by screwing him long and hard into the mattress.

Drusilla is becoming another enigma to me. Before, with Angelus, she loved the kill, the evil and depravity of it all. Maybe she fed off Angelus’ evil, and love of destruction. Now she’s not like that. She is like a child, with her dolls and old-fashioned dresses. She loves Angel’s stories, and he reads to her poetry and novels. It seems like Angel’ new sanity has affected her too - it has calmed her wildness.

On one occasion, Angel came home from the university with a new Victorian porn novel, full of rude antics and debauchery. Of course I didn’t know this until I arrived home. I could hear his deep voice reading in the bedroom. About an Arabian Sheikh kidnapping a proper English lady for his harem. The woman was prepared and dressed in fine silks, and then taken to his bedchamber. There was a lot of giggling from Dru, and I just had to see what they were up to.

To my utter astonishment, and later complete joy, I found Angel half-naked and wrapping a piece of long, see-through silk around Dru’s naked body. I tell ya, it was an erotic sight. My two beloved; my sister and lover, playing together. They continued to put on this little performance for me, revelling in my attention. Angel read how the Sheikh unclothed her and then exposed his well-hung cock. I laughed as Dru undid his trousers and gasped in pretend horror.

“The girl wept as the huge member slid into her virgin secret place.” I couldn’t take any more, I was in stitches. Angel presses Dru into the bed, as portrayed in the book, and slides inside her. The view of his buttocks and back, clenching and tightening as he thrusts into her, completely undid me. I grabbed the book, threw it aside, stripped out of my clothing, and slammed into his tight hole. We became a many-limbed creature that writhed in perfect bliss on the bed. When our shared orgasm came it was like standing on the edge of heaven. Perfection, bliss, and all those wondrous words I couldn’t think up because my brain had been overwhelmed and was slowly turning to mush. I did tell you I am never letting them go. Never!

I could have stayed in Oxford forever. We were one happy family here, we loved, we fucked, and we played. Things changed, as they always do, when I received news through a vampire I used to know in London that Darla was on the warpath. She was killing vampires, humans, anything that was tall, dark and handsome. All those who had features just like her childe, Angelus. It was said that Angelus had been killed and she had fallen into derangement with her grief. I did not tell my friend the truth; instead I went home and packed. Angel didn’t want to leave, and I couldn’t give him the reason why I was so desperate to leave England entirely. I feared that he would abandon us for our own good. That he’d get this noble idea in his head, that we would be better off without him. So we ran, and I chose to escape to Ireland. Stupid, I know but I didn’t think that Darla would go there. That maybe she wouldn’t expect Angel to ever return to that place. The place where he killed his family and whole village.

Believe me, it was a hard job to get him there. He screamed the whole way as we dragged him off the boat. In the end, I had to bite and drain him until he was pliant. Even Dru was getting distressed - she kept saying the stars were weeping, that the 3 horned beast would lose a head, whatever that meant! I had brought Angel home to Galway and he wasn’t happy. He wept at the sights of new factories and rows of Victorian terraced housing. No longer was it the seaport he had once known. We travelled to a little village, not far from the remains of Angel’s ancestral home. A village that had been abandoned since a mysterious illness had wiped out the population. They didn’t know that disease had a name - Angelus. That demon, now with a soul, who was once again living among them.

I settled us in a small hotel and instructed Angel in what I wanted. A desire for him to say goodbye to his past and move on. He wept, screamed, begged to be let off, that he couldn’t face the past, but I know he needed this: a release from his past regrets. He still dreams of his sister, the beautiful young Kathy, who called him an angel before he viciously killed her. One night I took him into the village, to the remains of the house he once called home. He wept and told me of a father who destroyed his life. Who made him feel inept and unworthy, and who drove him into the arms of death. His worst crime, he said, was accepting Darla’s offer. Darla’s gift to see the world and not to be walked on by anyone. I held him there; I touched him gently. He wept and told me that his father would never have approved of the love he had for me - a man. He would have been cast out, maybe even imprisoned for loving a member of the same sex. I had laughed, and said it was a good job we were now vampires and beyond all that shit.

After that night, Angel calmed again, and I thought all was well. I hoped Angel was learning to accept what Angelus had done, that he could let go of the past and have a future with me... oh, and with Dru. Then one night he vanished. He leaves for his daily visit to the bookstore, but never comes home. A day passes and there is still no sign of Angel. My beloved Angel has left me.

“Little birdie clipped his wings!” Dru starts screaming on the next night. I can’t seem to pacify her without Angel here. “Little bird makes pretty pictures. No... colours on the floor. Won’t sing! Won’t sing. One-eyed snakes in the dark, the queen won’t let him sing no more. No more! The stars scream the champion is dead! Dead! No more! No more!”

“Dru, what the hell are you taking about?” I yell, losing my temper. I can’t get a reasonable answer from her no matter what I try! Beating, loving, nothing works. She just screams and screams her ludicrous words.

I have searched everywhere for Angel and discovered no sign of him. He has deserted us, left me. He’s gone from me forever. He doesn’t love me. I destroy our room to vent my anger, but all that managed to do was get us kicked out of the hotel. So I kill the owner in a temper and still Dru continues to rant.

“No wings! Queen wants the heart. Oh, the muddy rivers run, black clouds. No, death with his scythe comes creeping, creeping. Eat little birdie! Eyes like needles!”

“Dru, shut the fuck up! Angel’s abandoned us. He has run away. Little birdie pissed off, and bloody left us!”

“Heart bleeds for you. Weeps a river. Weeps for blue eyes, little mirrors of soul. Wants you!”

I become irate, and I don’t have the patience to comprehend her. My lover is gone and I don’t think he wants to come back to me. Why the hell did I bring us here? I should have taken him to the New World. That would have gotten us away from Darla. But nooo, I had to get all touchy-feely and try to ease his pain. I wanted him to say goodbye to the past so he could move on with me, with Dru. I should have told him that I loved him more often, maybe then he would have stayed.

“He doesn’t pissing want me! Daddy’s gone, Dru!”

“No! Angelus-beast screaming at his cage. The queen wants her Lancelot dead. Noble knight bleeds into the cup - the grail of death.” I wish Angel had never told her the stories of King Arthur.

“Shut up!” I scream. I seize hold of her arm and drag her, weeping and screaming, out of the hotel. I have no idea why or where I am running. I just have to escape that place where we had been so happy together. I run out into the night, pulling Dru with me, and suddenly I find myself at the cemetery. Dru breaks free of my hand and scurries away. I have no choice but to chase after her.

“Dru, come back! I’m sorry, but it’s just you and me now. Dru!” I almost fall over her as she abruptly comes to a standstill, before four graves. I take her in my arms and try to calm her.

“Dru, I’m sorry, pet. I won’t shout at you again. Let’s go, it will be dawn soon.” I attempt to lead her away, but she won’t leave.

“Puppy lost his leash. He‘s without a kennel, and it will be sunny in the morning.”

Huh? Dru points to the graves and for the first time I read the worn writing. They are all from one family. The first to die was Liam, then Kathy, then... wait a minute. That was Angel’s name. Liam. His sister Kathy. I reach down and brush moss from the stone. My eye lights upon something shiny; I grab the object out of the long grass. In my hand is Angel’s collar. The one made from the softest finest leather with a golden buckle. Angel was here! Still, that doesn’t change the fact that he left us. He ripped this off and ran away from us.

“He left us Dru, just accept that,” I tell her, defeated.

“No!” She stamps her foot and tears fill her eyes. “Birdie in a cage. Grand Mummy sings now.”

What? Grand Mummy - isn’t that what she called Darla? Birdie - Angel with a soul - cage. Shit! I get it now. Darla has Angel. That’s what Dru’s been trying to tell me all along. I stand, grabbing Dru by the arms roughly shaking her.

“Dru, do you know where they are? Please try and tell me. Think!” I’m desperate now. I have to find Angel, save him before his bitch of a sire kills him. I know that there won’t be any second chance for him, because this time Darla will end it. She will kill the soul that revolts her - the soul I love. Dru moans in fear and shakes her head. Is she saying no or trying to see something?

She whimpers loudly, “Death and life.”

“Angel? Is Angel dead?” I cry in panic. No, I have to get a hold of myself and listen. Gotta calm down and listen. “Where is he, Dru?”

“Place of life. Place of death. All in pretty boxes. White dresses. Baby screams. Shh! Shhh!”

I don’t get it. I can‘t bloody decipher her vision-talk. I know that when she’s trying to comprehend her visions - using her precognitive powers - they don’t come in clear words. They are jumbled and she can’t always explain them clearly. Damn, I wish Angelus hadn’t sent her so effin’ bonkers.

“What place Dru? In the village? A house somewhere? Come on, please!”

“Eyes like needles. Candles flickering. A veil over my eyes, no... don’t! Don’t like the dark.”

Wait, veil - white dress: wedding? Boxes - a coffin maybe? Where would you have those? Suddenly, the church bells chime two, and I wish they would cease because I’m trying to think. Bells, wedding, coffin. Oh, Shit! Church - that’s where you would find all those things. I grab Dru’s hand and drag her through the cemetery. I just hope we are in time. I have to find Angel, I have to touch him again, make sure he’s real, tell him I love him. I believed he had left me. I hated him and he never did abandon me.

We run out of the cemetery and into the church. Nothing! It’s empty. Maybe I’ve got it wrong. Maybe. No, the other village - this might not be the original church. We charge out of the empty church and towards Angel’s old home. Where? Where from here?

“Come on, just one sign, please!” I plead.

“The cross at the altar!” shouts Dru.

What the hell does that mean?

“Dawn!” she bellows, when I don’t take any notice. We’ve got at least a couple of hours yet. Wait a sec... isn’t a church altar supposed to be in the east or something? Maybe that is what she’s trying to tell me. I grab her hand and we dash from the old house towards the east. It’s the only clue - the only hope - I have. In the distance I can just make out some old ruins and broken stones. A church! We race straight for it.

As Drusilla and I quietly approach the ruined church, we can hear chanting from inside. It sounds like Latin, I believe. Shouldn’t Dru understand that? When I turn to ask her, I take from the look on her face that she already knows the meaning.

“Eyes like needles. No... No! Spikey!” She grabs my arms and shakes me. “Don’t want eyes like that. Want river, stories, and little birdie that sings to me!” I wish I could speak Dru‘s language. “Little puppy dying!” She starts to cry softly, “Want stars, and sparkles, and chocolate treats.”

“Are they trying to kill Angel?” I ask her softly. Please give me a straight answer. “The chant’s to kill him.”

“No, the stars say; Grand Mummy wants the Angelus-beast. Wants him to howl and bite. Scream and suck the life from every soul,” she sobs out.

If I understand her correctly, Darla is trying to exorcise Angelus’ soul. Trying to get her childe back. No! I won’t live through that again. Angelus would never love me like Angel does. Angelus couldn’t love, he couldn’t feel anything. Maybe Angel broods, weeps, sulks, complains, fears, hates, and all those negative emotions, but they are a small price. Without them he couldn’t laugh, sing, love, hope - he couldn’t love Dru or me. It’s funny, but I don’t think even Dru wants Angelus back. Not now. Not when Angel tells her stories, and plays with her without hurting her. Oh, there’s a little blood sport, but nothing that needs weeks to heal. Okay, we‘ve got to stop this! We need some weapons. My eyes fall on a broken pew, and I break off a couple of legs, then hand one to Dru.

“Dru, luv.” Wide frightened brown eyes look deeply into mine. “I need you to be quiet. You think you can do that for Daddy and me?” Dru chews her bottom lip for a moment but then nods. “Okay, we have to get closer and see where Angel and Darla are.” Dru nods her agreement and follows me into the ruins.

My first sight of Angel is nauseating and horrifying - my bitch of a grandsire has nailed him to the cross behind the alter. I have no idea how long he has been there, but the smell of burned flesh is choking. She has hacked his hair; his beautiful long locks that Dru used to play with are now gone. Hair that captivated me as it swung to and fro with each thrust. Now it has been lopped off, leaving in some places only stubble. Suddenly, Darla appears from behind Angel, carrying a long sword. She presses it into his chest and cuts into his skin.

“Do you think it hides in there, Angelus?” she asks him, “If I cut out your heart will it rid you of that fifthly soul?”

It sounds like Dru is right. Darla has decided to attempt to bring Angelus back. It looks like she can’t go on without her little playmate. Well, tough. I don’t want him back. I want Angel, in my bed and in my arms, forever.

“Work faster!” Darla screams at the priests. They cower from her and the chanting becomes quicker, words choked out in fear and desperation. The priests smell human; there are two of them in white and brown robes. Which shall I take out first - the priests or Darla? That worries me a little. According to vampire lore it’s forbidden to kill one’s elder. Especially the sire of your sire. Still, I haven’t been following the lore for quite a while now. We broke it months ago with Angel. We left the lore behind when I made love to him, and I have repeated the experience many times ever since.


Okay, so I’m fine with killing Darla. I can’t hurt the priests because I don’t think Angel will forgive me. Great! So what do I do with them? Gotta think of a plan. Plan... Plan... Oh, fuck the plan. I don’t have time. I look behind me and... Hey, where’s Drusilla? Bloody hell. Dru’s vanished and I am alone to save my lover. Where the hell is she? Well, I’ll have to do this the old-fashioned way and take the bull by the horns. I step out of my hiding place and advance towards Darla, who’s happily cutting symbols into Angel’s chest.

“I don’t think you should be doing that, Darla,” I inform her. She spins around, startled, gazes at me, and starts to laugh.

“Well, if it isn't little William.” Angel’s head moves slightly and bloodshot eyes look at me. His pain and misery is almost a physical blow. His screaming has stopped, I’m guessing his vocal cords couldn’t take much more.

“Did you enjoy fucking my Childe?” She sneers at me, in a harsh disgusted voice.

I guess that really pissed her off. Angelus, well Angel, broke the lore for me.

“He isn’t your Childe anymore, Darla. He has a soul.” I walk calmly towards her.

“Well, he’ll soon be rid of that vile thing. Then you are going to be dust, and I will have Angelus back all to myself again. William, you do know this is all your fault, don‘t you? You had to kill those damn gypsies when I was trying to free him! Does he know that? Does he know that you killed his only hope?”

“I’m glad I killed them. I had the chance to know Angel; got to love him, too. Something you never had. Angelus wasn’t capable of human emotions, and you were too thick to notice.”

“So, little William is a nancy boy, a fruit, a faggot, a queer! What’s that other one - a shirt lifter, isn’t it? Don’t they lock away people like you? Doing an Oscar Wilde,” she starts to laugh hysterically.

“I am still better than you are,” I retort. I have to find a way to get closer. To get nearer to Angel before that cross burns him to a cinder. I just hope those priests can’t really rid him of his soul, or we will all be in deep shit. Angelus is sure to kill me for fucking his ass. I change into my true face and growl at the priests. They recoil in fear, and fell silent in shock.

“Keep chanting!” Darla howls.

“Yeah, tell them what they are chanting to bring back. Tell them they are bringing back the most vicious demon to ever walk the Earth. My beloved sire, Angelus, Scourge of Europe. I am sure they will be happy to continue,” I laugh at her and the priests don’t say another word. I guess some humans aren't stupid. I have forgotten what they are like; I haven’t been around them, for anything other than food, for years.

“Keep chanting!” Darla shrieks again. Without warning, Angel starts screaming again in pure terror. I don’t think he’s going to last much longer. However, I don’t know how to get rid of Darla, considering she’s over 3 centuries older than me, and has a long, sharp sword aimed directly at my neck. Maybe I should have gone with a plan?

“Shut up!” she yells at Angel, “You’re still learning that god doesn’t want you!”

“He might not, but I still do!” I roar back. Good words, I think. Suddenly, Darla’s eyes widen and I watch stupefied, as a red patch starts to appear on her front bodice. What the hell?

“You hurt Daddy!” Dru screeches from behind her. In my sister’s hand is the wooden stake. She’s pushed it deeply into Darla’s back, but she has just missed the heart. While Darla is distracted it gives me the opportunity to end this. I rapidly move forward, and bury my own stake into her heart. Darla screams as she bursts into a million particles of dust.

“My dress!” Dru wails as the dust settles over us. I guess she didn’t like Darla either. I can’t help Dru; there are other concerns. I race towards the altar and jump up. The smell of burnt flesh is repugnant, but with a quick, strong tug, I have Angel free and he falls to the ground.

I drop down and cradle him to me. “Angel!” I weep. Yes, William, now Spike, cried. I know it’s revolting and weak, but I don’t care. I nearly lost my lover, my family, whom I had only just found. “Angel! Are you still you?”

“Will...” he whispers, his voice hoarse from screaming. His body is burned and lacerated, his hair is almost gone and he nearly had his soul ripped out, but he’s still Angel. I can still hear the soul in his voice, and see it in his eyes. My Angel. I kiss him frantically and I taste our tears of relief. Suddenly, we are pounced upon by Dru who hugs Angel tight to her blossom. He moans in pain, but holds her just as tightly to him.

“Did I do well, Daddy?” Dru asks in her innocent child’s voice.

“Yes, Dru. You did very well...” He gasps as I try and lift him off the floor. His burns need treatment and care. He could really do with fresh human blood, but I know he won’t take it. “William, my love.” Angel touches my face with soft fingers. I don’t think he can believe I’m - we - are really here, that we love him and came to save him.

“You are demons?”

What? I turn around and face one of the priests. He looks about middle age with benevolent features. I remember then, I’m still in demon face so I quickly morph back.

“We won’t hurt you. You are free to go,” I apprise him. I want him to leave. This is private moment between me and my family. Angel notices the priest and starts to weep again. I know he hurts, not just from what Darla did, but from the memories this place must bring back. The pain he must suffer from facing a Roman Catholic priest in his own home village - a village he murdered.

“You are a demon with a soul?” he enquires of Angel. Angel nods but cannot speak. “Be well, my son.”

The priests turns and with the help of his companion leaves. Weird. I look back to Angel and his eyes are wide with shock. I don’t think he ever expected a kind word from anyone, especially a priest. I touch his face and I know he’s mine again. Darla is dead and gone. No one can take him away from Dru and I. Except himself, and I won’t allow him to leave. I reach into my pocket and pull out the collar I found back at the cemetery. There’re tears of relief in Angel’s eyes as I buckle it around his neck. He knows he’s home again.

“Let’s go home,” I declare to my family.

We take Angel back to the hotel, and to my surprise he doesn't mention anything about the hotel owner I killed. I think he forgives me, or at least understands. I am a vampire after all, and I think I show remarkable restraint most of the time. Back home, we clean Angel up and dress his wounds. The burns are deep, but in time he’ll heal. His hair is my biggest problem. Darla made a right mess by hacking it off. She has left him with only a couple of inches left in places. I cut it short all over; strangely, it has this natural desire to stand on end. Still, in time it will grow. People think vampires don’t grow hair. We might be dead, but our bodies are powered by supernatural means. Therefore we weep, orgasm, grow hair and nails, and so forth. I think I like his hair short; it makes him look more threatening in a bizarre way.

A couple of days later, Angel is up and around, being his broody self. He has been quiet and thoughtful, and when Dru brings home flowers for his sister, he sits and cries. He has wept for days over the loss of his family. It is the first time in 150 years he has grieved for them, for what the demon did. I know he laments for us too, but I don’t want him to cry over Dru or me. If he hadn’t turned us, I wouldn’t be here now and I couldn’t have loved him. Later, we lay the flowers on her grave and Angel says we can leave Ireland. I act tough all the time, because the truth is I don’t really care about his dead family. What I do cherish is Angel, and I plan on keeping him with us forever. He accepts that we love him, enough to search for him, enough to save him and break the lore by killing Darla. He knows that we are family. He had better, or I will beat it into him. I grab a fag and light it.

“Are you ready yet?” I complain. Dru gives me a dirty look and gently takes Angel’s hand. He touches the old gravestone and says goodbye in Gaelic. Well, I think that‘s what he says.

“I am ready, Will,” Angel smiles at me and takes my hand.

I feel a little uncomfortable holding his hand. It feels rather nice, strong and large around my smaller one. But you know I wouldn’t be seen in public doing it, unless it was a very dark night. Oh... I forgot. I reach into my coat pocket and pull out a new collar. This one is thinner and better made than the last, but still of soft leather with a golden buckle.

“Er... Darla kind of messed up the old one and I thought... well maybe you wanted... If you still need one that is, but you do... er... Know we are your family and we love you forever. Right? Because never expect me to say this ever again!” I hate myself. I despise feeling all warm and fuzzy around him. I loathe that look in his eye... Okay that’s a lie. In fact, he has that look right now and I want to shag him. I would right here and now, but he might get a little upset about doing it in a cemetery.

“I know you love me, and I love you both more than words can say. But I...” he looks almost sheepish. “I think I need a reminder of where I belong. At times I remember what I did, and everything feels overwhelming. I want to run away from everyone and everything.” He takes off the old collar, its leather frayed and stretched. “This reminds me where I belong. Where my home is. Where you both are.” He kisses both our cheeks and then touches my face with soft large hands. “Where you are. That you are mine and I am yours.” We kiss deeply, his tongue filling and caressing my mouth.

When I pull away, I put the new collar to his throat. He has just said he’s mine! Wow! My shaking fingers can hardly fasten it. I finally do and I drag him down for another frantic kiss. It’s just to make sure he knows he’s mine. Nothing more. When I release him, Dru jumps into his arms and he kisses her forehead.

“Can we go play now?” She giggles cheerfully.

“Yes, Dru,” I sigh. I wonder what she wants tonight? Last night she wanted me to have a tea party with Miss Edith. Still, Angel was laid up then and he couldn’t do a lot, but he’s recovered well. He has healed enough to get into all kinds of interesting positions. Maybe Dru has some entertaining ideas with which we can test how well he has healed.

“What do you want to play?” Angel asks with a grin. We start walking back to the hotel, wondering what Dru has in mind. Angel puts Dru down and she runs ahead.

“Moo... I’m a cow,” she laughs.

“Oh, Bloody hell!” I need more fags. Lots of alcohol would be nice, too. Maybe when I am drunk, I will understand Dru’s games. It’s worth a try. Angel laughs as I light another fag. “Don’t laugh mate, you will want these soon.” He grasps the cigarette from my mouth and draws on it. Mmm... Angel spit. He rounds his mouth and blows out a ring of smoke. Hey! That’s my trick. I grab it back, but he pulls me near. His lips cover mine and I kiss his smoke-warmed mouth.

“You still taste like peaches, Peaches.” Angel actually growls. “Race you back!” I take off after Dru, and I can hear Angel coming up behind me.

When we reach our bedroom, I finally understand the game. Dru has acquired a huge bucket of cream, which she has placed in the middle of the floor. Upon entering our bedroom, she strips off her clothing and starts spreading the cool creamy substance over her skin. My first thought was not about her, but I’m curious if cream would make good lubricant? Angel enters the bedroom behind me, and gapes in shock at Drusilla. I have just got to find out if cream works. I grab Angel’s clothing and start ripping them off him. Dru laughs and commences doing the same to both of us. Soon all three of us are naked and sticky with thick cream.

“Will!” Angel cries surprised, as I stand behind him, and spread thick cream over his taunt buttocks.

“Against the wall, lover,” I instruct him roughly. Angel groans as I shove him against the wall. He automatically bends and spreads his legs apart. My fingers press into his tight anus, now covered in cream. Yep, good stuff this. I wonder what it feels like around my cock? I quickly slick myself up and press my hard length into his opening. He’s so bloody tight as I push past that outer ring of muscle and deeper inside. Soon I’m all the way in and my chest is pressed tight against his back.

“I think I like this game,” he explains, his body thrusting back hard against me.

Oh, yeah. I am going to corrupt this soul and soon. He might brood and theorise about his sins, but I don’t think it’s going to stop him having sex ever again.

“AH! Fuck!” he howls in joy. I look down the length of his heavenly body, and watch as Dru fastidiously spreads cream over his cock and balls. Looks like she’s going to make a meal of it. The effect is a little ruined when she goes...

“Mooo.”

I can’t help but laugh and even Angel chuckles in his `I’m too broody to laugh’ way. Soon he gives way to moaning as her mouth licks cream from his balls, sucking them clean. Which gets me whimpering, because he begins to lightly thrust into her mouth, which drives my cock deeper, and he does some of that deep ass muscle clenching. I think I might just have a taste for this game. I grab hold of his hips and commence a good, deep, hard rhythm. I’ve decided I’m going to make him beg for me to come this night. Yep, I’m going to punish him for being denied his body for nearly a week. I know he was recovering, but I’ll use any excuse.

“Spike... Will... Please!” he finally pleads, his ass quivering around me.

It has been a good hour and I’m still thrusting. It’s bloody killing me too, and I know I’m going to have to climax soon. Still, I got him to beg for it. I am evil after all. He has come three times already from the pounding and Dru licking cream of his cock.

“Please, bite me.”

Huh? Now that was unexpected. Angel isn’t one to ask for that. I told you I could corrupt that soul of his a little.

I take a good hold of his newly short hair and expose his throat. My face shifts and I press my fangs just above his collar. Down below, Dru gets her fangs ready at his femoral artery. Then with a little twisting I get my wrist pressed to his mouth. With low growls we all bite as one into skin, and vampire blood fills our mouths. Yes! Vampire heaven. We all come simultaneously, screaming and howling our pleasure.

I love being a vampire! It’s not just killing and hunting - that’s boring rubbish - nah, it’s this. This connection with the others of our kind. Humans can never get this deep, this connected - to feel this bond between family. Blood speaks to us, binds us, tell us all its little secrets. It tells me now of love and home. Angel’s blood is filled with sorrow and grief, but the love, desire and need screams over the top until that is all that’s heard.

Finally we pull away from Angel, and he collapses between us. He pants, kneeling on the floor, his body shivering with painful pleasure. He is so beautiful, and he is mine. Yep, hard again. I only had to look at him. I hope Dru’s brought enough cream. This time I think she’d like a little more action.

“Up for more, old man?” I query as I kneel behind Angel. He groans, but I know he wants it. I only have to look down and see his erect cock pressing up against his stomach to know that. I pull Dru beneath him and he slips inside, making her whimper in pleasure. I add more cream to his delicious hole and thrust inside once again. I wonder how long I can keep the both of them going? It will be a long night!

Later:

Hmm... Nice and warm. Dru curls her body closer and snuggles into a warm chest. Sex after death and mayhem nicely finishes off a good week. I love a little bloodshed, and killing my grandsire was the icing on the cake. I stretch out and press myself into the warm embrace of my lover. Angel’s skin is warmed from lovemaking and games. We are all sticky too, from Dru’s strange idea with cream. She wanted to be a cow or something? Strange girl, but I love her and so does Angel. I don’t love her like Angel, however. I never thought I could treasure anyone as I do him. That I could love him more that killing, than the hunt, and more than warm blood filling my mouth.

Angel murmurs softly in his sleep, and I automatically start to gently stroke his face. The nightmares leave him and he purrs. I love this vibration. When Angel purrs his whole body hums, and creates an electrical buzzing that travels directly to my cock. I love his purr. I love him.

When I lay here in the embrace of my lover and love, I can be William again. I can touch that part of me that is still human. Away from this bed I have to be Spike, I have to be strong and lead my little clan. It’s liberating to not have to care about putting on a vicious persona for Angelus - to try and be what he was. I did everything and anything to make him notice me. Now with Angel, I only have to be me, and I am finding out whom that person is again. I’m not William, but I’m not Spike either. I think I am somewhere in the middle.

Angel’s purring increases and I know he’s awake. I can always tell those little differences in his purr. It’s comforting and calming when he sleeps, but when awake, it’s sexual. I move up his body and grin down at him. We kiss passionately and I wonder. I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t known? Where we would be at this moment? Would Angel be alone somewhere living on the streets? Would I be running, killing with Drusilla? Would Darla still be alive? Would I be addicted to cigarettes?

Angel pulls away from my mouth and runs his fingers through my hair. “What’s running through that sly head of yours?” he ponders. “What little plans are you making up?”

Hey, my plans are great. This one worked, didn’t it? I think. I kinda forgot which plan I was following. Oh well, doesn’t matter. I grin down at Angel and kiss his nose. Which wrinkles in a cute way. Did I say cute? I wonder where my fags are?

“What’s on your mind, lover?” Angel whispers as he kisses my back, while I search for my packet of cigarettes and lighter.

“Nothing...” I sigh. I wonder if I would have loved him like I do now? “I was wondering... What If I Had Not Overheard?”



The End. More?