Title: Where I Wanna Be

Author: Jenny

Email: blueidgirl83@hotmail.com

Rating: G

Summary: Angel looks for the courage to declare his love to Xander

Disclaimer: I don't own Xander or Angel. The song used is "Breathing" by Lifehouse.

Authors Note: Sad fic in my opinion. =( But it had to end this way, that's what the muse told me. The moral of the story is `never judge by first impressions'.

Where I Wanna Be
by Jenny

I've found a long way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what I'm gonna do
When I get there...


He paced back and forth in front of the old run down apartment building, occasionally looking up at one lighted window at the very top. There was a shadow cast on the window from the only lamp on in the room. It was the shadow of a person. The hands covered the face and the chest heaved in and out violently. But the shadow did not show the tears. It could not broadcast the sound of the sobs coming from this frail and frightened human.

Angel could do that. He could hear the sobs traveling down toward him, like an arm trying to pull him in. He could hear as the tears hit the hard wood floor and as the hands ran through that dark beautiful hair harshly. He could hear the whispered words that escaped from the mouth.

what's wrong with me?

why can't I ever do anything right?

Angel felt tears slide down his cheeks. No, vampires aren't supposed to cry. But the feelings he felt for the human boy did not listen to simple vampire logic. He hated himself for not having the courage to go up there. He had to fix this. His boy was hurting and he had to fix this. He had to tell him how he felt. He had to tell Xander that he was only thing keeping him from turning back to Angelus again. Seeing the boy in his dreams...occasionally in real life...this was his reward for remaining a white hat.


Take a breath and hold on tight
And spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace


Xander tried his hardest to hold in the tears. After the wedding Anya had left town. The one person who had loved him and he'd just let her go. He'd kept telling himself that it was for the best. He would have turned out just like his dad and Anya would have only had a miserable life. He didn't wish that on anybody, he'd rather be miserable himself.

And he was. Miserable that is. As he wiped the tears from his not red cheeks he tried to remember one time when he'd really and truly been happy. There had to be one time.

Then he remembered. Angel. When Angel had been there, when Angel would look at him with those beautiful dark eyes and talk to him; even though all they ever really exchanged were insults.

Yes, that was his fault too. Another Xander folly to add to the list that was approaching China by now. Why couldn't he have just told Angel the truth? Why couldn't he have at least been nice to the vampire? At least they could have been friends. He could have seen Angel smile, just once. He'd always wanted to see Angel smile.

But he'd messed up. Again. The words came out in a whisper.

why can't I ever do anything right?


'Cause I'm hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more
Than to sit outside Heaven's door
And listen to you breathing



Angel took a deep breathe, which he didn't really need of course, and stood outside of apartment number 214. Xander was inside, he could still hears the boy's wheezes as he cried. Angel knew what was wrong. As soon as he'd heard about the wedding incident he'd come straight to Sunnydale.

Sure, he'd been jealous. He'd loved Xander since the moment he looked into those deep brown eyes and saw the soul that no one else saw. Xander may have acted like a child, but inside that foolish clown
exterior was a handsome and noble man. Angel saw Xander for who he was, no one else did unfortunately.

The jealous had kept him up most days, but he did want Xander to be happy. He wanted just one time to see the boy really smile. He wanted to see him smile where his eyes crinkled up and there was true happiness inside of them. He wanted that perfect happiness for Xander that only love could bring. He'd thought Anya could give that to his boy. He'd been wrong.

So he stood outside of the apartment door and closed his eyes as he imagined taking Xander into his arms and telling him that everything was going to be ok. He only imagined.


I'm looking past the shadows in my mind
Into the truth and I'm
Trying to identify the voices in my head
God, I wish it were you

Xander got his tears under control finally as he put the last picture of he and Anya into an old cardboard box. Best not to have too many reminders of his potential happiness around. It could be depressing and trigger many more crying episodes, like the one he was currently battling.

When he got to a picture of the entire gang, he stopped. He stared at it closely in wonderment. Willow and Oz were holding hands and smiling brilliant `in love' smiles at the camera. Next to them was Giles, he was as British as always; adjusting his glasses just as the flash hit. Then there was Cordelia, smiling brilliantly for the camera. In the picture she was doing the Cordy eye roll that everybody loved.

He remember that day. He'd made one of his usually comments to Cordy just before the flash went off. That would explain the satisfied smirk on his face as he stood next to her. Of course, it wasn't really satisfaction, maybe for the moment but not long after that. He'd liked Cordelia a lot, but he hadn't loved her. He'd only been really in love once.

Then there was Angel. He stood next to Buffy towards the end of the picture. She was hugging him around the waist and smiling her beautiful Buffy grin. But when he looked at Angel, he realized something was wrong.

Angel was staring at him.

Angel had his arm around Buffy, almost hesitantly, but he was staring at Xander.

"Odd." Xander said aloud.


Let me feel one more time what it
Feels like to feel and
And break these callouses off of me one more time


Xander had quieted down a bit and Angel was now sitting against the wall facing Xander's door. He stared so hard he wondered if maybe he could burn a hole just large enough for him to see Xander through. The quiet worried him. At least when Xander was crying he knew that the boy was there and active. The quiet made him feel alone.

Sure, maybe he was a bit selfish. He certainly didn't want Xander to cry, but he was too afraid to go inside and hold him until he stopped. Although he wanted that so badly. He wanted to be able to hold Xander tight for the rest of his life: eternity if possible. Though he could never turn Xander, he would never be the same boy he had been. Xander's life force powered Angel to keep going.

Above all else, Xander made him feel. Around Xander Angel felt like a kid again. Sure they had teased and mocked each other, but he had never meant it in a cruel or hurtful way. He'd always considered Xander somebody who sacrificed everything to make everyone around him comfortable.

He loved him. No, he was in love with him. There was a difference. To love is to care deeply for someone. He loved Buffy. He always had. But he wasn't in love with Buffy. He didn't feel alive when he was around her; if anything he felt more like the walking undead then ever.

To be in love is to feel that your life and the other persons life are connected in some paranormal way. Its to feel that when a thought comes in your head it immediately comes into the other persons head as well, and vice versa. Sparks fly when your shoulders brush against each other and when your eyes meet...its an explosion of pure lust and love and passion. There is no one else but you and that person in the world. At that point, you don't need anyone else in your world.

He was in love with Xander, and being away from him was torture. He decided that he needed to take care of his boy. He needed Xander.


I don't want a thing from you
I bet you're tired of me
Waiting for the scratch to fall off
Of your table to the ground...
'Cause I just wanna be here now



He was so stupid. Xander had decided that he was so stupid. He loved Angel, he saw that now. From the moment he'd first seen the vampire sparks flew from his body. He could feel the static electricity flowing through him and he was alive.

Xander felt really alive, for the first time that day.

Being the dumb male that he was, he could actually just tell Angel that he had feelings for him. No, of course not. He had to torture and abuse and mock the vampire until Angel saw him as nothing but a
nuisance and a brat.

And he was a nuisance, to everyone. He wanted so badly for Angel to just barge into his apartment right now and hold him until everything was better again. He wanted Angel to show him that maybe he wasn't as doomed as he thought he was. He wanted Angel to come into his apartment and kiss him so deeply that the room would spin for the rest of the night.

He wanted Angel.

With a sigh he put the picture down and crossed the room to the chair. In the picture Angel was looking at him.

Why?

Probably because he was so disgusted with me. Of course he was! He had just played a joke on Cordelia. Angel obviously found it juvenile and immature, just as he found everything that Xander always did.

He felt his hopes drop to the ground at this observation. How could he actually think, even for a minute, that Angel loved him? It was impossible and the world have to blow up into a giant pink poofy cloud before Angel would ever declare his love for Xander.

So he was alone, again. Forever this time. Because he was only in love with one person, and that person hated his guts.


'Cause I'm hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more
Than to sit outside your door
And listen to you breathing
It's where I wanna be


Angel felt himself collapse against the wall again. Who was he kidding? Xander didn't want him here. Xander had been in love with Anya. He and Anya were complete opposites. There was no way that Xander could ever love him. If he tried to go into that apartment right now he'd be kicked out before he could ever utter a word of how much he loved the boy.

Xander hated him. It was obvious by the way he'd always treated him in the past. He constantly argued and mocked and snapped at Angel. Only a complete idiot would take that as a sign of love and affection.

Angel wiped the blood tears from his eyes and leaned his head against the wall. The apartment was quiet now, he could still hear the calming sound of Xander's breathing though. He rode those breathes like a surfer rides a wave. He thrived on them and let the sound flow through him like blood.

Tomorrow he would go back to LA and continue on with his miserable life there. But tonight...tonight he'd stay right here. Tonight he would listen to Xander sleep and hope that he could keep the peaceful sound in his mind for a long time to come. Because he was in love, and Xander was his life force.


The End
Kinetic:
http://www.redkrowe.com/~kinetic