Title: Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering?

Author: Julie Heath, with lots of help from Glen Trevino

Fandom: Animaniacs

Pairing: Laboratory mice whose genes have been spliced

Rating: NC 17

Feedback: PLEASE!!

Summary: Pinky get his first hard on -- whatever that is!

Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure these characters are not mine -- because I would remember that!

Archiving: WWOMB 

"Hey Brain…"

"What is it, Pinky," Brain asked testily, waiting for the next in the endless series of inane questions that pestered him daily.

"I don't feel so good."

"Well, what the matter? You felt just fine a moment ago."

"I…I'm, not sure, but I think I've sprained something."

This caused Brain to look up. He hadn't heard any of the usual tumultuous crashes that normally accompanied one of his friend's injuries. But he was definitely experiencing a…swelling. He hopped down off the stool where he'd been working.

"How on Earth did you do that, Pinky?"

"Zort! I haven't got a clue."

"I know that Pinky, but how did you hurt yourself."

"Oooohhhh. Well, I don't know that, either."

"What's the last thing you remember?"

"Well, Brain, if I remember correctly, you just asked me what was the last thing I remembered."

"No no no! Before you were injured…what's the last thing you remember before you were injured?"

"Narf! I get it!"

"The only thing you're getting, Pinky, is under my skin! Now, please...go on."

"Right, Brain. Well, I was sleeping." That was apparently the whole of his story.

"And?"

"And what, Brain?" Brain's crooked little tail shook in frustration.

"AND HOW DID YOU HURT YOURSELF!!??!!"

"Oh." He chuckled at his own obtuseness. "Well, that's just it. I didn't do anything. I was just sleeping and I woke up this way."

"Can't you even dream without screwing everything up, Pinky?"

"I suppose not, Brain."

Brain studied him carefully.

"Well, you must have slept wrong." He reviewed his vast scientific and medical knowledge and came up with a valid course of action.

"To apply a container of low-temperature solidified H2O to the effected area should produce contraction of the damaged muscle tissues and reduce the edema."

Pinky looked at him with wide, blue eyes.

"I'm going to get you an ice pack."

"Oh, Brain -- you're so good to me. Narf!"

"Yes, Pinky," he agreed as he made his way to the cryogenic unit in the lab. He scraped some of the built-up frost into a specimen bag and bundled it up where it wouldn't leak all over his experiments from Pinky's clumsy antics.

"Here, Pinky. Do try to be careful!"

"Of course, Brain." He took the offered bag and put it across the top of his head.

"Pinky! Not there! On the swelling!"

"Oh but Brain, it's all cooly-ruley goose-pimpledy making!"

"Goose-pimpledy making…" He shook his head at the blithe ignorance that Pinky courted with every word. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"See!" He held out his arm and displayed the rising fur, rippling and tickling him with hidden goose flesh.

"You're trying my patience!"

"I didn't know you had patients. When did you go to Medical school, Brain?"

"Pinky, have you forgotten how to be a rutabaga?"

"Oh, no Brain. Am I supposed to be rutabaga, now?"

"Please!"

"Right!"

Pinky pulled his ears back and closed his mouth tight. Brain smiled. Vegetables didn’t make stupid comments!

"That's better. Now, be a good little rutabaga and put that nice, cool ice pack on that swelling before you bruise. You know what happens to bruised vegetables, don't you Pinky?"

Pinky got a look of true terror on his face as he imagined a paring knife after his beautiful root when it started to rot. He quickly followed Brain's advice.

"Ooooo narf! hoooo hooooo!!!"

"Are you alright, Pinky?"

"Ohhh, yessss, Brain!" he said with a contented smile, "but I do have one question?"

"What's that, Pinky?"

"Are you sure I shouldn't crawl in the vegetable bin?"

* * * * *

Well, the ice seemed to take care of the swelling and everything returned to its common conspiratorial atmosphere, allowing Brain to pursue his conquest of the world.

One night, Brain had managed to sneak all the way into the Secretary of State's office, nearly being devoured by the guard dogs. Two days later, after his recovery, he wound up being thrown in jail overnight when caught driving the acme van without a license in his Bubba Bo Bob disguise. After a little mix-up involving his fingerprints, he was finally released, but the acme van had to stay in the impound yard.

When he arrived at the lab after walking the entire way, his friend's name could easily be applied to his eye color. Pinky sniffled and jumped off his thimble stool to run up to Brain.

"Brain! I looked everywhere for you! I didn't know where they'd taken you!"

"They took me to JAIL, Pinky!"

"Oh. Well, I guess I looked almost everywhere."

"Pinky, you're ineptitude never ceases to astound me!"

"Oh, thank you, Brain. It's nothing, really."

"You've never been more correct."

Pinky sniffled once, wiped away a last tear and gave every indication of having put the entire incident behind him. Brain, however, did not take his incarceration so lightly.

"Do you have any idea what they did to me?"

"What did they do, Brain?" Pinky asked in a small, frightened voice

They locked me in a cage…like some kind of…of animal!"

"Naaarf!" Pinky blinked and looked around them. "But we're in a cage now."

"Yes, Pinky, but it's our cage, isn't it?"

"Oh, I see what you mean."

Pinky's eyes suddenly brightened then he ran to his most special of special hiding stash-away nest egg places. He pulled out an extra special treasure and hid it behind his back as he neared Brain. He pulled it out abruptly and offered it to his returned friend.

"Welcome home, Brain!"

"Pinky," he snorted, trying hard to control the irritation that permeated his voice, "this is half a button."

"That's right, Brain, but it's MY half button and I want you to have it." He looked at Brain with such childlike innocence that it came close to making Brain's lips tremble. He REALLY wasn't so terribly irritating…all the time…

"Why, thank you, Pinky. That's very kind."

"Oh you're very very welcome, Brain. I missed you something awful."

"Yes. Yes, of course. And I er…um…missed you, too."

Pinky hugged Brain, grabbing his hand as he backed away and tried to get Brain to dance a jig with him.

"No, Pinky, no! I don't hickery-dickery-dock!"

* * * * *

That night, Brain was awakened by an eerie moan. He picked up the penlight and aimed it like a cannon, catching sight of Pinky in the luminous beam.

"Pinky! What's wrong?!"

Pinky was moaning painfully and writhing around in his cedar chips. He'd obviously re-injured himself as the swelling had returned in force. He ran to up to Pinky and was surprised to find the oft-vacant eyes fluttering behind closed lids.

"He's still asleep!" Brain said for the benefit of the audience that wasn't present. "Pinky! Pinky, wake up!"

"Mmmm, but what are we going to do with sponges and pudding?"

"What??!" Blue eyes sprang open to see Brain standing worriedly above him.

"Oh, hello, Brain."

"Pinky, are you alright?

"I don't know. I feel kind of…twirly-whirly-woozy!"

"Are you in pain?"

"I don't think I'd exactly call it pain." Brain cracked the pen light over his head. His eyes rolled around and then shook his head, saying, "Nope. Definitely not pain." He started to get out of bed and saw why Brain was concerned.

"Zort! Brain! I'm turning into a Macy's float!" He grabbed Brain's hand and held it to his chest in his panic. "I don't want to be kept from drifting away with ropes, held down to the ground by jeeps! I look terrible in ticker tape! Oh, Brain! What if I pop??!!" He burst into full whimpering tears at that thought.

"Pinky, calm down! You're not turning into a float! That's scientifically impossible! At most, you'll become one of those mylar balloons that hover around at children's birthday parties. You like children, don't you?"

"You know I do, Brain."

"Well then, if worst comes to worst…"

"Then it really won't be so bad! I love it when they laugh at me."

"Then there isn't a problem."

"I guess not, Brain."

Of course, Brain knew the physical properties of mylar and was fully aware that if Pinky got loose and floated into an electrical cable, he could short out an entire district; and pop. To panic wouldn't render assistance, though.

"Now, let's get you some help…"

* * * * *

"Ahhhh, that's better."

Only Pinky's head rose above the surface of the bath Brain had improvised from a specimen tray. Capping off a CO2 cartridge with a controlled-release valve, it was then submerged in the pool. This cooled and agitated the effervescent water.

"The inflammation appears to be dissipating, as well."

"And it's getting smaller."

"Are you sure you haven't been picking at it?"

"Absolutely, Brain. I'd forgotten all about it!"

"Well…" he scowled, wishing the answer had been that simple. "I don't see how it could be broken. There isn't even a bone there."

"It sure felt like there was a bone there -- a great big hard round pounding growing …."

"I get the idea, Pinky," he snapped. "But I promise you, that isn't the case."

"This isn't working as good as the ice whatchyamacallit."

"I'm not giving you another ice pack. You hit me with a snow ball!"

"I'm sorry Brain," he said from the tub, looking properly chastised.

"I'm afraid you're right, though. It still looks significantly enlarged. Now let's see: what else can be dome for sore muscle tissues?" he pondered aloud.

"What about a nice massage?"

Brain tilted his head in consideration.

"Pinky, that's not a bad idea." He tried to keep the shock over this fact out of his tone. He knew the poor thing had to be in worse shape than he admitted…or realized.

Brain let the tips of his fingers dangle in the frigid water, studying the enraged piece of anatomy. What an inconvenient place to have a sprain! He reached down placed his palms over the tight skin. It was hot to his touch and it WAS pulsing.

"My God, Pinky! It's so warm! And it's beating with your pulse! Your blood pressure must be sky-rocketing."

"I am a bit warm…"

Brain's brow knitted together as he kneaded the tender flesh. He was truly worried about his friend, although he could never admit it to Pinky.

Pinky's eyes rolled back and he moaned softly. He was obviously hurting him, but never once did he complain! Brain never realized that Pinky had the fortitude to suffer so stolidly. He was inwardly impressed.

Renewing his efforts -- and besides, he was getting a cramp in his back from leaning over the tray -- he rubbed harder and tried to work out any kinks with his fingers."

"Ohhh, Brain!"

"I know…you're just going to have to tolerate it a while longer."

"Well…I'll try, but Brain…"

"No buts, Pinky! Do as I say."

"Right Brain."

He closed his eyes, but his breath was growing ragged. He'd never witnessed such bravery in his little friend. He often berated him -- usually for a good reason -- but Pinky had a big heart.

'That's not all that's big about Pinky,' Brain thought with some alarm. His well-meant ministrations seemed to be having the opposite effect from the one he was seeking.

Just when he was wondering if he was doing more harm than good, Pinky's entire body stiffened. He must have been having trouble breathing as his chest heaved with effort. The distended appendage under Brain's hands suddenly started moving and twitching.

"Ohhhh, oh oh oh oh!" Pinky yelped.

"Oh my God, Pinky! It's coming alive!"

"It's an….alllieeeennnn!" Pinky screamed, jumping to his feet in the knee-deep water. For all the world, it looked to Brain as if something was trying to erupt from within him as he sprang about.

"Help! Zort! Ohhhh…Oh help! Mmmm…Brain! Brain! It's coming out! What do I do??!!!"

"Run Pinky! Run for your life!!"

But before they could take nary a step, a stream of alien liquid (not the extra-terrestrial monster they expected) came issuing out of poor Pinky's body. He let out a blood curdling scream and fell out of the container.

"Pinky! Are you alright?" Brain asked as he grabbed his shaky arms and hauled him to his feet.

"Naaarrrrrrfffffff!"

"Here, let me help you."

Brain helped Pinky back to his litter and carefully laid him down.

He was panting and looked even more distant that always. Something suddenly tightened around Brain's abdomen at the thought that he could lose companion. He pushed the thought away.

"Brain, what happened to me?"

He sounded so weak, so drained. Brain had never seen a white mouse looking so pale. Even his azure eyes seemed pallid.

"I don't know for certain, Pinky, but if what I suspect is true, that was the most horrific pimple I've ever seen!"

'They must be experimenting on him again…'

"Don't go. Please stay here with me."

Looking down as his helpless, sick friend, what could he do except what had been asked? He lay down by Pinky.

* * * * *

Pinky didn't have any recurrences over the next few days. Three days after last nixday (Pinky had been playing with the calendar again!) a terrible racket awakened them. Their entire world was shaking.

"It's an earthquake!" Brain shouted.

"Oh no! And I just hung out the laundry!"

"Pinky, you idiot! We could be killed!"

"Follow me, Brain!"

Pinky grabbed Brain and ran as fast as he could with his exit in sight. Unfortunately, it was a Pinky idea. He led him into the exercise wheel and shouted,

"Run!!"

"Pinky, stop!" Brain implored him as his shorter legs put forth maximum effort to try and keep up. At last, it was beyond him. Losing his footing, he started spinning around the grid, trapped in the gravity of the centrifical force.

"…ooooOOOOOooooo…oooooOOOOOOoooooo…ssstooOOOOooop!"

Pinky leapt over him like he was jumping hurdles.

"Don't worry Brain. I'll run hard enough for both of us!"

"…noooOOOOOOoooo! ssstooOOOOOooop! It's noOOOOooot a quaaAAAAaake!"

Slowly, the words penetrated through Pinky's fight-or-flight reaction and he slowed down. Of course, it was here that he missed his step and came down hard across Brain's ribs. They rode twice more around the wheel before their momentum shifted and their weight returned to throw them back down.

"Not an earthquake?"

"I outta make you quake! Get off of me!!"

"Oh, sorry." Pinky climbed to his feet and helped Brain untangle his tail where it stuck through the bars and had become entwined. Brain made it to his feet, as well, but they were still being jarred and nearly lost their footing to the rhythmic shaking.

"No, not an earthquake. Look!"

He pointed in the direction of the two white-clad figures by the table where their cage was kept. One was leaning over the table and the other was positioned behind him. They were moving frantically; the one in back was ramming against the one who had his hands on the table. "That, Pinky, was the source of the quake!"

"I see. But Brain, what are they doing?"

"I'm not sure," he mumbled, mystified. "It might be some kind of ancient ritual. It looks rather primitive and animalistic…barbaric!"

As their motions increased, the table shook more violently. At one point, the exercise wheel teetered on its edge.

"Pinky, we've got to get out of here before we're killed!"

They broke out of the cage and scurried down the leg of the table, unnoticed by the otherwise occupied scientists. When they were a safe distance from the melee, they turned back to observe the curiosity within their lab. From a side view, Pinky noticed the man leaning over the table had also been injured.

"He looks like he's got a sprain, too."

Brain checked Pinky's observation. He hadn't often seen what lay underneath those lab coats, so he didn't have a base scale for comparison, but the protuberance DID look out of proportion. As they continued to study the phenomenon, it became apparent that the man in back suffered from the same affliction and was lodged inside…the other man's exposed rear.

"Oh, my…" Pinky gasped.

"You know that's got to hurt!" Brain commented.

As their movements became frenzied, they gasped and panted, moaning like Pinky had while in the cold pool. All of a sudden, the man's hand's left the table and he started massaging his own swollen member. The man behind grabbed him, lifting him off the ground with his vigor. Stifled moans percolated through the lab as a milky fluid ruptured from the wounded appendage and the oddest smell filled the air.

To the surprise of the two mice, after this…climax was reached, things started returning to normal. The damaged tissues seemed to shrink before their very eyes. The former indications of pain had vanished and the two men seemed to be showing genuine affection towards each other. They even kissed!

Pinky and the Brain watched them in dumb-founded silence. Pants were replaced below the knee-length smocks. With a last kiss, they went to the door and turned the lock. Acting like nothing had happened, they straightened their hair and walked out the door.

"Well!"

"Indeed, Pinky. Indeed."

Brain looked at Pinky. Pinky looked at Brain. Brain looked down at Pinky's enlarging organ. Pinky looked down, too. He looked back at Brain.

"Say, Brain, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

Brain's eyes raked over Pinky's unusual profile.

"Definitely not, Pinky. Definitely not!"

* * * * *

Pinky looked for a hole. Too big. Too small. Too big.

"Are you sure this is going to work, Brain?"

"Of course I am. I've done all the math." Brain looked for a hole of his own.

"Zort! I think this one will work."

"Well then, give it a try."

"Is it going to hurt?"

"How should I know, Pinky. I've never done this before!" He poked himself inside the hole…a nice tight fit. He'd never had the slightest idea a sprain could be so pleasant!

Pinky was still having trouble, but eventually found his target. He slipped in beside Brain.

"Oh, this feels so goody-goody-gouda!"

"Don’t make me hurt you, Pinky!"

But Pinky had discovered a whole new reason to love being a mouse. Who'd have ever thought there could be this many uses for Swiss cheese!

* * * * *

EPILOGUE

"So, Brain, what are we doing tonight?"

"How about a nice cheese plate and we hit the sack early?"

"Sounds good to me."

Their discussion was interrupted when the two scientists returned to the lab. Unusual; it was the middle of the night. When one's hand went for the other's fly, the mice understood. However, when one dropped to his knees and to provide relief for the other with his mouth, both mice stared unbelievingly at each other. Remembering that lovely Swiss and what it had done for him, he eyed Pinky impishly.

"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

I think so, Brain, but where are we gonna find "eatum" at this hour? "

The End?

Juls© 1999