Title: Oh, Behave!

Author: Scribe

Fandom: Austin Powers

Pairing: None

Status: Finished

Sequel/Series:

Archive: WWOMB, CKoS, others ask, give credit, and post my email address for feedback

Criticism: Yes.

Disclaimer: They belong to Mike Meyers and Chris Carter, baby.

Summary: Austin wants to swing, Scott is pissed.

Author's Notes: A plot bunny wearing go-go boots attacked me.

Rating: R, mostly for language.

Oh, Behave!
By Scribe

Austin adjusted his Nehru jacket and checked his love beads to make sure the male potency symbol (circle with rampant arrow) was hanging straight, then answered the knock at the door. There was a sullen, dark haired young man dressed in baggy jeans and a t-shirt advertising some band called Megadeth standing in the hallway. "Scott! What a fabulous surprise!"

The young Evil pushed his way past Austin. "YOU called ME, Powers. Remember?"

"Oh, yeah! Right. Come in, baby."

Scott turned and stared at him. "I AM in."

"Smashing, baby, smashing." He shut the door.

Scott eyed him suspiciously. "You're acting even weirder than usual. What are you up to?"

"What makes you think I'm up to anything, baby?" He came over and moved up behind Scott, brushing his crotch against Scott's rump. "Aside from the usual, that is."

Scott moved away and said pointedly, "Because you HAVEN'T called me since Felicity came back from her stint in the Pink Pussycat Palace."

"Oh, um, yeah. Been busy."

"You said you were going to tell her about us."

"I did, baby, I did."

"And?"

Austin waved his hands about the room. "Do you see any evidence of a woman in residence?"

Scott looked around. "With your funky taste, it's kinda hard to tell. So she blew?"

"No, she was a wild bird, but not much on oral sex. That's one reason why I'm so into you."

Scott slapped Austin lightly on the side of the head. "Turn the brain on! Shit, and you can't even blame it on doing too much acid in the sixties because you left before it really kicked into high
gear. I mean she LEFT?"

"Oh. Yeah. At first she was all for a threesome, but when she found out you'd be interested in me and not her, she got a teeny bit miffed."

"That's good. I was beginnin' to think I was gonna have to come over here and kick her mini-skirted ass. I don't particularly mind you havin' a little side action, but I draw the line at some bimbo livin' in."

Austin rubbed his hands. "I'm so glad to hear you say that!"

Scott's eyes narrowed. "I repeat: What are you up to?"

"Um... well..."

Scott examined Austin closely. "You're wearin' your Nehru jacket and love beads. That's the same outfit you wore the first time you wanted me to do it doggy style." He walked slowly around the room, examining various things. "Candles." He sniffed. "Sandalwood incense." He looked at the bed. "Black satin sheets, and lube and TWO boxes of ribbed condoms on the night stand." He cocked his head. "Burt Bacarach's 'The Look of Love' on the stereo." He walked over to the bar. "And the makings of martinis with FOUR glasses set out." He rounded on Austin. "What gives?"

"Okay, Scott, first off, hold on to the famous Evil temper."

"That isn't a good beginning, Powers," he gritted.

"Remember, you just got through saying that you didn't mind if I swung a little, and really, baby, this has nothing to do with me and you. It was set up a long time before that fateful night I knocked the scorpion off your bum."

"Fuck, Austin! Will you get over it and just admit that you felt me up? I LIKED it, you dip! Will you quit dithering and TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON?"

Austin cleared his throat. "Like I said, it was set up a long time ago. I didn't remember till yesterday. I tried to call it off, but when I called his office they said he was out in the field, and they didn't know when he'd be back."

Scott raised one eyebrow skeptically. "You set up a play date with a farmer?"

"No, baby. Different field. An FBI agent. Erm, TWO of them, actually. Do you remember that fab Feebe who came down to interview me about a month ago for that special section he worked in? The Sex Files?"

"That's X Files, you goat." Scott looked interested now. "Really tall? Messy brown hair?" Austin was nodding. "Hazel eyes? Pouty mouth?" Austin nodded harder. "Fantastic ass?" Austin nodded so hard that his glasses almost flew off. "No. Can't say I remember him."

"His name is Mulder." Austin paused dramatically. "Fox Mulder."

Scott snorted. "Yeah, like your middle name is Danger."

"No, really, baby. It IS Fox. Anyway, he and his partner came down to have a chat about the whole cryogenics time travel save the world bit. Do you remember his partner, Dana?"

"No, I only saw him with some little redhead."

"Um, that WAS Dana."

"I thought Dana was a guy's name?"

"I think it's unisex, like Leslie."

"Who the fuck would name their kid Leslie?"

"Look, baby, the thing is, we hit it off. Fox was interested in swinging, and he promised to talk his partner into coming back tonight for a bit of swap around with MY partner." Austin was rubbing the toe of his boot in the shag carpet. "And... uh... Felicity is gone, and I don't HAVE a partner now, except..." He peered at Scott over the rims of his glasses.

Scott stood up very straight, mouth gaping. "Oh, I don't--fucking--BELIEVE it! You wait weeks to tell the bimbo that you're with me now while we're screwing our brains out in parked cars and Motel 6. You finally get the balls to 'fess up, then when she bails you call ME in as a last minute replacement so you can get some ginger nooky? I---DON'T---THINK SO!"

Austin put on his best analytical air. "I sense hostility."

"Let me put it this way: If I was my dad, Mr. Bigglesworth would be SO pissed right now that you'd have to start checking the floor for trapdoors." He stalked toward the door. "I'm leaving before I let my Evil genes take over and do something to you."

He jerked open the door to find a tall man in a trench coat standing there, hand raised to knock. "Wow! Quite a coincidence, isn't it? Almost eerie..."

"Can it." Scott put his hands on his hips, glaring at the man. "You're Mulder, right?"

"Um, yes. I'm looking for Austin Powers?" He smiled charmingly. "Not that I wouldn't mind settling for you."

Scott felt himself starting to melt a little, but stiffened his spine. Jerking his thumb over his shoulder he said, "In there." He looked past Mulder at the empty hallway as the FBI man stepped inside and said nastily, "Where's your PARTNER?"

"Parking the car." Mulder went to Austin. "Hey, Austin. Nice beads. Uh, about Dana..."

"Yeah, smashing bird. How is she?"

"Oh, she's fine. But look, I have to tell you... Things have changed since we made this date."

Austin's faces fell. "You couldn't talk her into coming?"

"That's not exactly it."

"Well," Scott said loudly. "I hope you three have a... a GROOVY time. I'm gonna go home and shave the peach fuzz off my old man's pussy."

As the door slammed, Mulder gave Austin a questioning look. "It's a long story, baby. He's just being true to his roots."

Scott stalked down the hall, muttering to himself darkly. It didn't exactly HURT, but it was kind of insulting. He wasn't sure how long he should give Austin the cold shoulder before he forgave him. He sighed as he got in the elevator. Probably not too long. Austin was a dork, but he WAS a good lay, and Scott sure as hell didn't feel like going back to nothing but masturbation. Anyway, Mini Me always found his porn magazines and drew glasses and mustaches on all the models' genitalia.

The elevator stopped on the fifth floor and a dark haired man in a black coat got on. As the doors slid shut he reached for the buttons, then looked at the panel and swore. "Dammit! This one is going down!"

Scott eyed him appreciatively. He had a nice body, even if that grey suit was for shit. "So what's wrong with going down?" The man looked at Scott sharply. *Whoa, DAY-um! Those are the greenest eyes I've ever seen.*

The stranger smiled slowly, and Scott felt a twitch in his jockeys. "Absolutely nothing. But I've already gotten off on the wrong floor once. Now I have to ride all the way down, then back up
again." His eyes traveled over Scott in a manner that set off another twitch. "Not that I mind the company."

Scott stuck out his hand. "Scott Evil."

The stranger shook hands with him, "Evil, huh? I like that. Evil is a necessary part of this world, even though most people don't admit it."

He was still holding on to Scott's hand. *Oo. Well, Austin isn't the only one who can do the smutty double entendres.* "I think everyone should have some Evil in them."

The guy's grin broadened. "Do your parents know you're out alone?"

"I'm nineteen. Mom doesn't mind, and my father can go screw himself."

"You don't like your father?" Scott shook his head, then wiggled slightly as the man stroked his palm with one finger. "How do you feel about daddies?"

"Daddies I have NO problem with."

The doors slid open on the lobby, and the man sighed, letting him go. "I'm going to have to take a rain check, stud. I already have a date. My partner set it up back when he was still working with Dana, and he didn't remember to cancel it when they moved her and assigned me instead. He begged me to come along so he wouldn't be embarrassed. The guy is supposed to be sort of related to our area of investigation, and Mulder doesn't want to alienate him." He rolled his eyes. "I'll probably end up with the girl."

Scott stared at him. "What's your name?"

"Alex Krycek."

"Alex, are you an FBI agent?"

Alex flipped open a case to display an ID card. Then he hooked a pair of handcuffs off his belt and dangled them in front of Scott's face, purring, "Is this proof enough?"

Scott grinned back at him, reaching out to punch the button for the tenth floor. "Oh, behave!"

END