Title: A Toute Le Monde

By Morgana

Fandom: Babylon 5

Rating: NC-17

Pairing: Susan Ivanova/Marcus Cole

Summary: Lorien gives Marcus and Susan one last chance at happiness

Disclaimer: No stories or pieces of artwork archived here are meant to infringe upon the copyright held by J. Michael Straczynski, Babylonian Inc. or Time Warner Productions.

Sitting down I look at the sheet of real paper I've managed to get hold of and address it to Susan. I stare at the clock and I realize I have to hurry. Every passing moment is important now that I've managed to find the alien-healing device. I've even hidden it in a deserted corner of med lab. No one will find it.

My mind is made up. The alien-healing device will transfer my life force to the woman I love more than life itself, Commander Ivanova. It doesn't matter to me that she can't love me back. I have to save her, and I will achieve that goal! No one's going to stop me. She's worth dying for!

Susan deserves to live. Life treated her so badly and I want to show her that life's worth living after all. But how can I tell her why I'm doing this? I have to say goodbye to her, somehow.

An old song comes to mind. Hasina loved playing music when she was off work and although I pretended not to listen, I did. The damn chorus had been in French and she translated it for me. I wish I had a recorded version of it, but the words will surely do as well. I doubt Susan will even be interested in finding out why I chose to give my life to save hers.

Writing the words, I can't repress a sigh. In an hour I'll be dead and these words will be the only explanation I'll leave behind. As I start writing, I know that what I'm about to do is the right thing. I can't let her slip away.

For Susan,

Don't remember where I was

I realized life was a game

The more seriously I took things

The harder the rules became

I had no idea what it cost

My life passed before my eyes

I found out how little I accomplished

All my plans denied.

So, as you read this know my friends

I'd love to stay with you all

Smile when you think of me

My body is gone that's all

I stop writing and look at the words. What will death be like? Will there be a dark void? A God who is going to judge me? I try to imagine nothingness, and shudder. I can't reconsider now. I've made up my mind. I wasn't able to rescue Hasina and Willie. Now my chance has come to make up for past mistakes by giving my life for her, for Susan, my ice queen.

How will my friends react? Will they mourn my death? Life will go on without me. Time will pass and eventually they will forget me. Time is closing in on me and I begin writing faster.

A tout le monde

A tout mes amis

Je vous aime

Je dois partir

These are the last words

I'll ever speak

And they'll set me free

Folding the piece of paper I slip it into one of my pockets. I can't waver now. Glancing at my desolate room one more time, I know for certain that I'm not going to return here. " Good-bye," I whisper softly. No one hears my final good-bye and that's the way it should be. I lived a solitary life these last years and that's how I'm going to die as well, alone.

She's the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Her long hair, those blue eyes, which are now closed, used to glare at me with such annoyance. I miss her. The machines are keeping her alive. They're prolonging her life, but I know she's dying. The Minbari physicians told me.

My fingers tremble when I throw the switch so the alien-healing device can feed her my life force. My eyes are locked onto her face. Perhaps she'll regain consciousness before I die. I would like to look into those blue eyes once more.

I feel cold. The machine must be working. I try to smile at her, to tell her that everything will be all right, that she's going to live, but I can't say the words. Instead I mumble my last words and I pray to God she'll hear them. " I love you."

The last bit of the song swirls around in my mind and I hang onto the words. They carry me higher and higher, till the terrible cold recedes.

If my heart was still alive

I know it would surely break

And my memories left with you

There's nothing more to say

What's that? A fiery golden glow is beckoning me closer! I can fly! And suddenly I realize that I no longer own a body. Soaring high I ascend towards the golden light.

Moving on is a simple thing

What it leaves behind is hard

You know the sleeping feel no more pain

And the living are scarred.

I'm sorry, Susan, but it's not yet your time to die. You have to live and learn to love again. For me it's too late. I'm so tired, Susan. I want to sleep and dream of holding you in my arms, feeling your lips on mine...something I'll never have. Oh, God, I'm so tired. I want to...sleep...

ONE DAY LATER

I stare at the piece of paper Stephen has given me. He found it in one of Marcus' pockets. Tears sting my eyes as I read the lines over and over again. I know now why he did it. But damn him for doing it!

The tears flow freely over my face and I try to smile reading those last lines of his letter.

So as you read, know my friends

I love to stay with you all

Please smile; smile when you think about me

My body's gone that's all

"Damn you, Marcus for doing this to me. Damn you for leaving me behind," I sneer in hurt. " I can't smile! I can't cry any more!" Slowly I place my feet on the floor. Stephen ordered me to stay in bed, but I can't do that. After my break down, Franklin stayed in med lab to look after me. I know another break down is sneaking up on me and I hate myself for being this weak.

Stephen placed Marcus' body in cryo and I quietly make my way over to the tube, which has not yet been transported to the storage facility. Seeing the name on the cryo tube makes me want to throw up the little water I managed to drink.

"Why didn't I tell you I loved you as well? Yes, I was afraid to admit that to myself. Would things have turned out differently had you known?" I whisper and caress the metal of the tube for a moment. " I don't know what burden you carried, Marcus. But I hope you know peace now."

"Marcus wouldn't want to see me crying," and I wipe away my tears. How the hell am I going to live without him? Knowing he loved me this much and all I did was to ignore him?

"Susan, you need to rest." Stephen sees the hysteria in her eyes and wraps an arm around her waist.

"Stephen? Can't we bring him back?"

"No, Susan. The machine wasn't designed to revive the dead." Franklin gently pulls her into the corridor to take her back to her room.

"Stephen? I can't do this! Live on while he's died. I can't," I whisper in a broken tone and lie down on the bed.

"You must Susan, or else Marcus' gift was in vain," Stephen strokes back some locks of hair and watches her slip back into sleep. Pulling up a chair, he sees the piece of paper and reads it. A tear escapes his eyes as he realizes Marcus wrote it. " You shouldn't have done this, Marcus," he murmurs. " You've made a terrible mistake. Susan can't handle this."

Shaking his head, he observes her closely and for one instant hears the ranger's voice.

"Faith manages, Stephen. She's strong and will pull through. Help her, stay with her."

"I'm losing my mind," Franklin mutters in dismay.

The golden light draws me near again and I let it. I succeeded in delivering that last message to my friend. Finally I can rest. The warmth lures me closer. Closing eyes I no longer possess, I let go of that last thought that still bound me to life. Susan will live.

"Sleep, child. You're tired."

The voice sounds vaguely familiar, but I'm falling asleep quickly and I no longer have the power to listen to it. " Yes, sleep," I mumble..." Sleeeep..."

"Yes, sleep," Lorien repeats," You're safe with me," but the ranger no longer hears him.

TWO WEEKS LATER

I sigh as my fingers caress the paper. After all these weeks I'm still clinging to it. Stephen released me from med lab 2 days ago. I made a full recovery and although Franklin tried convincing me to get some counseling, I dismissed that idea. This is something I have to deal with alone.

John awarded me the rank of Captain and gave me command of the 'Avalon'. I accepted it, but no smile appeared on my face hearing that news. Ever since Marcus left me, it seems like life itself died inside me.

"I should start packing," I realize. The 'Avalon' expects me to assume command in two days. I force my body into motion and move over to the cupboard. The moment I open it, something drops onto my head. Tears appear in my eyes as I recognize the chart Marcus made for me. I look at the pics surrounding mine. " You placed me at the centre of everything! Why didn't I see you were in love with me?"

It's so damned obvious he cared for me! That chart was his way of confessing his love and I simply put it away, never thinking twice about his reasons for giving it to me!

"This is all my fault! If I hadn't been that ...scared things might have ended differently. Marcus might still be alive now!" I remember another conversation I had right before going into battle.

Lorien told me to hang onto that illusion. What did he say? Only those whose lives are brief can imagine love is eternal. I - knew -- what he was trying to tell me, damnit, but I didn't listen!"

Exhausted I sit down on the floor and look at the two items on the table. Delenn insisted I take them. Caressing the ranger pin, I realize I never paid proper attention to him and all his little efforts to brighten my day. " Why are there no second chances?" I wonder sadly.

"Would you die for him?"

I startle hearing another voice this close to me. No one entered my quarters, so what the hell's going on? I'm on my feet in an instant and spin around to face this unknown intruder. " Lorien? It can't be you! You took the Shadows and Vorlons beyond the rim! You can't be here!"

"Commander, I am the First One. There are few limitations to what I can do," Lorien points out to her. Cocking his head he studies the woman in front of him. She lost weight and her eyes are drained of all fire. The will to live had left her. " Why didn't you listen to me when I tried to warn you?"

"Because I was scared," I blurt out, still wondering what the First One's doing here.

"I asked you a question some moments ago and I want you to answer it. Would you die for him?" Lorien moves closer and recognizes the ranger pin in her hands.

"Yes, I would," I reply in a determined tone.

"Death is the easy way out. That's why Marcus chose it. That way he didn't have to face you, or living without you. Yes, you're willing to die for him, but are you also willing to fight for him? To get him back? It won't be easy, child."

My heart misses a beat. " Are you telling me there's a way to get him back?"

Lorien nods his head. " I caught his soul before he was able to pass beyond the veil. I thought you might want him to return to you."

Determined, I stand in front of him. " Tell me what I must do to get him back." Searching my feelings, I realize that I desperately want him back. First I'm going to kick his butt, and then I'm going to deflower him. Sweet revenge indeed! The darkness inside my mind, which has been there for some days, is suddenly gone. I feel full of life and I'm going to prove to Lorien and the rest of the universe that the ice queen of Babylon 5 is no more.

Lorien looks at the chart, and then considers his options. " You'll get that second chance."

"What!?" I exclaim as my surroundings began to change. Lorien vanishes and a moment later I'm sitting in my quarters once more reading a book, dressed in a brown tunic. The door chime announces a visitor and I put the book away searching for a clue, which can tell me what's going on. There's a song playing the in the background I've heard before. I focus on the door and while rising to my feet, I say;" Yes."

"Susan!" Marcus smiles, seeing her standing there. He's curious for her reaction to the chart he secretly made for her.

I heard the voice of redemption

For me there is no exemption

I started praying

I can't believe I'm hearing that voice, that British accent, seeing him alive and healthy. ** Lorien what are you doing to me? ** I wonder, feeling utterly miserable.

"Susan? Did I catch you at a bad time? I can leave if you want me to?" Marcus says, not sure what to make of that stare in her eyes. Are they watering?

I heard the voice of satisfaction

Needing me for benefaction

I started pleading

"No, Marcus, please sit down. I just didn't expect you to come over," I reply quickly. I want him near to study his eyes. ** He loves me! ** I realize and wonder why I didn't see that emotion before. It's right there in those green eyes, staring at me, hiding nothing.

"I made you this chart," Marcus says in an uncertain tone. The way she's looking at him makes him feel shy. There's something sensual in her blue eyes he has never seen before and he swallows hard.

"Forget about the chart," I whisper and pull him onto the couch. I don't know what Lorien's plans are, but I'm going to take advantage of it.

I heard the bells begin to chime

Warning me, oh Lord

Don't let this be my time

Don't let this be my time

** Please, ** I pray, ** Please Lorien, give me some more time to prove my love for him! **

"I..." The warmth in her eyes overwhelms him and the chart slips from his fingers. Desperately trying to focus on something else he says;" I didn't know you liked music."

I smile and listen to the song. I still remember the words. Pulling him even closer, I whisper them into his ear, paying no attention to the stricken look on his face.

I'll be there for you, when you walk through the fire

I'll be there for you, when the flames get higher

When nothing fits and nothing seems right Till the very last breath of my life, I'll be there for you

"Susan?" Marcus mumbles, wondering if he has fallen asleep in his quarters and is now having the most wonderful dream he's ever had. Her lips are soft and inviting and her eyes are hypnotizing him. He never saw her this relaxed and open before. Confused he tries to make some sense of her strange behavior, but her fingers are now tangling in his hair and those lips are so close to his that he needs to call upon all his discipline not to kiss her. " Commander? Aren't you feeling well?" he says in a rough tone, too afraid to hope that she will actually let him kiss her.

I see the doubt in his eyes and I know I have to say the words now before this illusion Lorien created will fade away. ** I love you, ** am I ready to say them?

You saw me slide

You saw me fall

We kept our pride through it all

We started screaming

The lyrics burn themselves a way into my mind as I remember screaming at Stephen for an explanation. Why did Marcus have to die for me to be able to say those words to him?

"I love you, Marcus," I whisper and see his pupils dilate. He doesn't expect that revelation.

Hearing her confession Marcus reacts at once. He doesn't want to doubt her words, doesn't want to wake up and to find he dreamt everything. " Is that the truth, Susan?"

"Yes!" I lean into his embrace and brush his lips. He tastes sweet and I need more.

Marcus pulls her closer and stops thinking for a moment, totally focused on feeling her warm body next to his, sensing her hands moving beneath his clothes and shivers.

When skies are dark, no sun shines through

I know I see the light in you

We stopped dreaming and started believing

I feel a tear slip down my cheek and I hold onto him, relishing his love. " I love you, Marcus. No matter what happens next, please remember I love you!'

"Susan?" Wondering why she's this emotional Marcus soothingly strokes her long hair. He still can't believe she loves him, that she really kissed him.

Suddenly, I feel another pull and I know my time has come to leave again. " Marcus, " I start, but never get the time to finish. The song lingers a little longer and I sigh hearing those words. I wish I had been able to speak them to Marcus.

In my hour of need

You were there always

Now it's time for me to be there for you too

Always

Lorien nods his head and smiles. Walking over to Marcus Cole's cryo tube he raises a hand and touches the cold metal. " She finally listened to me," he whispers satisfied. An alarm goes off and his figure fades away.

I fall to my knees when I recognize my quarters, and the pike and ranger pin on the table. My red-rimmed eyes release another tear. Lorien's illusion only worsened the pain. Now I know what I so foolishly threw away back then, his love.

My Comlink springs to life and I immediately recognize Stephen's voice. He's a good friend to support me in these hard times, but I'm getting fed up with his concern " Ivanova, go," I say, taking the link from the counter where I put it hours ago.

"Susan? You better get down here at once!"

I hear the panic in his voice and freeze. " What's wrong?"

"It's Marcus' cryo tube."

"I'm on my way. Ivanova out." Quickly I leave my rooms and fight down a panic attack. They placed him in cryo because they hope to revive him one day. But what if the tube's malfunctioning and his body's lost to us? " Please, Lorien, don't take away my last hope!"

Stephen is shouting orders at his assistants. For some obscure reason the cryo tube stopped working properly. " Damn!" he curses. " Get another cryo tube in here. We only have seconds to transfer his body without causing damage!"

One of his assistants hurries away, bumping into Ivanova.

"What's happening?" I ask, watching the scene through the glass that separates both rooms.

"The tube is malfunctioning. We need another one!" the assistant explains before running off to carry out his orders.

"I'm here, Marcus," is all I can say as I step into the room. I see the despair on Stephen's face.

"Doctor?" another assistant points at the readings. " There's a heartbeat. He's alive!"

"Impossible!" Stephen exclaims and moves over to have a look at the readings himself. " It's true!" Casting a confused look at Susan he sees her big eyes. " You shouldn't be in here, Susan."

"I need to be here, Stephen. I promised I would be there for him if he needed me." I notice my raw tone. Looking at the naked ranger on the exam bed, I take another step closer to him and take hold of his hand, squeezing it. ** Lorien? I understand what you tried to explain to me. Don't let him die a second time, ** I beg.

"Get him on life support! Now!" Stephen shouts and begins to work on his friend. ** There shouldn't be any heartbeat. How can this be? **

A terrible weight settles down on my soul and I feel the warmth retreating. "No", I cry out in despair. It feels too good to sleep this deeply, without any nightmares or feelings of guilt to torment me. I don't want to leave, but I'm not given a choice. Something is pulling me down, into my body and I scream.

"Stephen?!" Stupefied, I look at him. Marcus is thrashing on the exam table, screaming in agonized tone. " He's in pain, do something!"

Nervous, Franklin orders to stop intubating the ranger. " What are his latest readings like?"

"Almost normal, doctor."

"I don't understand this!" Stephen whispers.

"But I do." I rub the knuckles of his left hand and lean in closer. " Open your eyes, Marcus. Everything's all right."

Am I really hearing this sweet voice? It can't be! Yet, I carefully crack open my eyes to look into the most gorgeous blue eyes I'll ever see. " Su...san?" I stutter. Somehow, it hurts to talk, to breathe, and I feel like someone is poking my body with hundreds of burning needles.

"Marcus, you're in med lab and everything is going to be fine!"

She assures me. Is she really fighting not to cry? I keep looking at her, fascinated by the emotion in her eyes. " Med... lab?" I try to look around, but my muscles scream in protest so I give up. "You ... are ...alive...Susan!" I feel relieved, the machine worked. There are tears in her eyes and I wonder why she's crying.

"Damn you, Marcus! I should space you for hooking yourself up to that machine!"

"You...care...for...me," I manage to choke out and can't stop staring at her. She never worried about me before.

"Of course I do!"

She shakes her head and I love to see the locks dancing on her shoulders. She's so beautiful, my Susan. I never expect her to bend down to kiss me on my lips. My heart misses a beat as I sense those soft lips caress mine. I can't believe she's kissing me! If only I could move, wrap my arms around her. Then I realize that I'm lying here stark naked! Breathless, I stare at Stephen and see tears in his eyes. " Cold," I whisper. Franklin understands and covers me with a thermo blanket. " Why...am I...still alive?" I need to know the answer to this question. I shouldn't be here, shouldn't be alive.

"One day I'll tell you," she promises.

Her smile is seductive and I try to raise my hand to touch her soft skin.

"But first I need to tell you something. I love you, Marcus."

Staring at her, I can hardly believe she has spoken those words. " You do?"

"Yes, I'm only sorry you had to die for me to realize that."

Sitting down on the exam table she strokes some locks out of my face. ** I'm drowning in her eyes.** " Oh, Susan! I loved...you from the first...moment I set eyes...on you," I confess, while trying to regulate my breathing. I feel so damn weak and struggle to sit upright. Stephen puts a hand on my chest and forces me to lie down again.

"Don't even think about it! You've been in cryo for 2 weeks!" Franklin says, not hiding his grin.

Leaning down, she claims my lips again and I start to blush when she looks deeply into my eyes. Her hand slips underneath my neck to pull me close.

"I'll be there for you, " she promises.

"Always," I whisper, wondering where that word came from. Her lips are softer than I ever imagined and my entire world narrows down to that kiss.

Lorien smiles kindly seeing them confess their love and exchange that kiss. " Embrace that eternal illusion," he whispers to the stars," For it's the most precious gift you have been given."

The end.