Title: Frost

Author: Augustus

Email: gaius_octavius_@hotmail.com

Slash/Fanfic Page: fabulae => http://rimmer.alphalink.com.au

Fandom: Bad Girls

Pairing: Denny Blood/ Shell Dockley

Rating: A solid G.

Status: New, Complete

Category: Angst.

Series: Nope.

Archival: Fabulae. Other list archives are fine. Others just ask and I'll drop dead from surprise...

Feedback: I crave affirmation.

Summary: Denny's POV. That's it, really.

Note: This is my very first f/f! Took me long enough, didn't it!

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. The Bad Girls series was devised by Maureen Chadwick, Eileen Gallagher & Ann McManus, so I'm presuming these gals belong to them. If possible, though, I'd love to borrow Denny for a while… Credits: Lyrics are from " If You Ever Saw Her", sung by Ricky Martin and written by Paul Barry/Mark Taylor. Sorry for breaking the bubble to anyone who thought he wrote all his own stuff *G*


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Frost
by Augustus
*******

"Don't believe you're the one
Don't think that this dream is forever
It's only a game"

I hate you.

Can't you see it in my eyes when you mock me, taunt me for your own pleasure? I intend it to be seen, strive to force as much hatred into my gaze as your words drive into my soul. Hate's a familiar emotion to me. I've known it all my life. It wraps around me, protecting me, distancing me. Hate's easy in a world that's so hard. I never had to learn how to hate, how to hold a grudge, how to flow with the pulsing red and black and red and…

And it’s you who does this to me. I refuse to take the blame for your very own sins, neatly wrapped in smiles, hidden shallow beneath surface beauty. There's no solace in words when it's words that cut so deep; no comfort in actions when the only deed you know is destruction. Whether it's me or one of your other foolish victims, it's not the prey that matters but the struggle. And we're all just quarry in your warped little world, all sycophantic minions to the queen you want to be. I hate you for the way you twist me into the person you desire, hate the way I let you without the meekest protest.

I hate the way I am around you. Because I can see this in you, don't think that I can't, no matter how much of an imbecile I am in your cold-centred eyes. And sometimes I wonder if it's me who's the smart one, and you who's simply stumbling in the shadows you've created. One day you're going to fall from that self-constructed pedestal and the ground will be much harder than you ever could remember. Because it's been so long. You've been floating on the strength of my dreams forever, it seems. But they can't stay afloat endlessly, not when this hatred weighs so heavy on my soul.

I suppose congratulations are in order, Shell. You've managed to break my spirit where all others have failed. And being in here can't hurt me any more because what could these walls do that you've not done before? You draw me in with your unseen snares, know you'll be victorious, know I'll just play dead. Once I might have fought you, even fought myself. But I just can't do it anymore. It's easier to let the anger flow safe about me, easier to smile and stay close by your side. Easier to surrender.

And it's so damn easy to hate you when you crush me with a laugh, toss golden waves, turn your stony back, indifferent. So simple to snarl a nonchalance of my own when it's hailing inside. Your icy deification leaves me cold.

As cold as death.

And there are nights I wish you would die, mornings when I regret ever waking. Shouted words of love, which flow as deeply for you as your everyday simpered innocence, can never alleviate the hatred, can never disinter the lustre from my soul. To love is as foreign to you as being loved is to me. You know only pawns in an endless power play that grows ever more jaded, ever more passé. One day I may even be your checkmate. And you'd hate that, wouldn't you?

Because that's the thing that plagues me when my shadows finally rest, when the hatred dozes fitfully beneath the iron-striped strip of moonlight cast silver in my cell. You'd never care enough to hate me, never hate me enough to care. There's just you in your frozen world and we're all just looking in, breath white on the icy glass of the prism you erected. And no matter how many times I say I love you, the heat can’t melt your glacial shroud. And one day I'm going to stop trying, because that's what makes me hate you most of all.

I hate you for making me love you.


{fin}
Augustus, 22nd November, 2000