Title: Dark Knight Of The Soul

Author/pseudonym: kirasmommy (kirarose)

Fandom: Batman

Paring: Batman/Joker.

Rating: PG-13

Status: Two of Two

Archive: WWOMB, KB's misc. fanfiction, anywhere else ask! I will most likely say yes.

Series/Sequel: Part Two of Two the first one is called To Love is to Laugh (room left in for more later)

Disclaimers: Disclaimer: No I don't own them. And No I don't make money off of them.

Notes: On this chapter...in the past usually Nightwing (robin) stories Alfred is aware of a pending relationship between the characters and wholeheartedly approves or even plays matchmaker (I like these stories too!) But for once I wanted one where he was actually upset about the whole idea! (of course the fact that it's Joker isn't the only reason he's upset)

Summary: Bruce Fights with Alfred then decides to take the law into his own hands once more.

Warnings: This is an Alternate Universe story. And Angst, rape mention in flashbacks. Also I take from various comic books including the original bob Kane version first appearance! (If you don't know what that means it means that when Batman first appeared...he had a gun! Detective comics was a series for dark and gritty crime stories. It wasn't above showing detectives (or cops) shooting people. And Batman was no better. It wasn't until later that he was changed to not like guns. People reading this should keep in mind Batman has been re-invented several times. Also btw...the coolest thing...I actually got to HOLD the first appearance in my hands a few years ago! Talk about NERVOUS! Go look up the price if you want to know WHY I was nervous.)


Dark Knight of the Soul
By kirasmommy

Nightwing sat down. He waited for Batman to speak first. When he had arrived he had been a little surprised to walk in on the middle of a fight between Batman and Alfred. He didn't hear exactly what the fight was about because he headed straight for the cave. He knew that if it was any of his business Batman would certainly tell him about it.

Batman pulled his cowl back off of his head and bit his lip. "Joker is back in Arkham."

"Yeah I heard. Nice bust! I hear that they are using him as an example for those studying Criminal psychology. They put him behind a glass wall with a microphone and speaker."

Batman looked down at his hands clasped loosely in his lap. "It's sick. He shouldn't be treated as an exhibit."

Nightwing shrugged noncommittal as he looked at the man in front of him. "What does he have to do with all this?"

"It's my fault. I left him. I left him because I was too worried about what others thought of me. Most importantly Alfred."

Nightwing's look of confusion expressed for him what he could not form into words.

"It all started back when I was in college. It was one of those assign everyone a room with a roommate and hope for the best type thing. My roommate was a young man slightly older than me named Jack."

Batman schooled his features before continuing, "He was brilliant. I'd say a genius! Very animated too. That man couldn't stay still for two seconds truthfully I could never imagine how he sat through a class. Always pulling pranks and telling jokes. Looking for a laugh."

Nightwing chuckled, "A little hyper?"

Batman raised an eyebrow as he pictured Jack all those years ago, "A little? That's an understatement. He...was a real joker I guess you could say. He told jokes all the time. Anything for a laugh. At first I was so annoyed! I couldn't stand him!"

Batman closed his eyes as he thought back to the first week when he would go to his room to find his bed short sheeted. Or Vaseline on his phone. Or the time that 'someone' had put saran wrap on the toilet at three in the morning before he was awake enough to realize it. He also remembered waking up wet as someone had submerged his hand in warm water causing him to wet himself. He was so miserable that he had considered leaving, transferring or maybe just dropping out.

He remembered realizing that his roommate never slept more than a couple of hours usually during the day. And as time went on the crazy acting college student became stranger and more erratic from sleep deprivation until finally to Bruce's relief the man passed out while studying for a test. He remembered dragging the unresponsive man unto his bed and going to sleep in his own with the knowledge that for once he would get a good sleep.

It was sometime after midnight that Bruce woke up to the sound of someone crying. He found Jack asleep but in the middle of a nightmare. A terrible one.

"I eventually learned that his jokes were a defense mechanism. He had a very rough past. A very violent one. He had a lot of issues. He had just lost his parents before school started. His father had killed his mother during a fight and Jack had killed him in self-defense. His father had been trying to kill him."

"Wow that had to be tough!" Nightwing said as he shut down the computer not being used.

"Very tough. It seems that he had suffered a lot of abuse over the years. We became friends. He was always trying to get me to "loosen up" and have "fun"."

"How much trouble did you two end up in?" Nightwing smiled as he guessed what came next imagining the serious young Bruce being pulled into mischief.

Batman had the grace to look embarrassed. "Not too much we only got fined. But that was also the first time Alfred got to meet Jack."

"He didn't like Jack I take it?"

"No, he didn't like what he perceived as Jack's motives as he put it."

"Jack was gay." Nightwing supplied remembering similar words being applied to some of his own "friends" while growing up. Alfred had never approved of certain life styles.

"More bi-sexual. And Alfred started working on me to change rooms or move back home and commute to school."

"I argued about it don't get me wrong. I liked Jack a lot. And I felt like we needed each other. I suspected that Jack had deeper problems but I wasn't sure. He had nightmares if he slept more than a couple of hours at a time, I would walk into a room and he would be having a conversation with himself sometimes in the third person but I felt like he needed me. I wanted to help him. I would have nightmares about my own parents and Jack would soothe them away. He would come to me and wake me up and stroke my hair. I felt like he understood. I didn't want to leave!"

"But you did leave." Nightwing gestured.

"Yes. It wasn't until I really left that I realized that I loved him. It wasn't until the moment that I walked in at a party with a young woman and saw the look of hurt on Jack's face that I realized what I had lost. I wanted so much at that moment to..." Batman broke off and stared at his hands as he remembered Jack leaving quickly pulling at a lock of hair as he always did when nervous or upset.

"So you still love Jack?"

"I never stopped. Oh there was a time that I wanted to kill him with my bare hands but part of that stemmed from the love. I felt so betrayed. When Jason died I would have gladly killed him. And part of the reason it hurt so much was because I did love him. It made me so angry!"

Nightwing felt his own heart drop into his stomach. "Joker?"

Batman dropped his head down till his chin rested on his chest. "Yes" he whispered.

"The Joker is Jack?"

"Yes" he whispered quieter still.

"He's a murdering psychopath!"

"I know. You don't think I know that? I'm the one that puts him away everytime! I know exactly what he is!"

"And you still love him." Nightwing tried to understand but failing that he decided to find out more. "It must be hard for you to put him away each time."

Batman gave a half-hearted shrug, "Not for the reasons you think. I know he needs help. I want him to get help. I shouldn't have left him in the first place. Maybe if I didn't he would have been okay. The reason I hate to do it is because they promise to help him then they don't! And now...they aren't even trying! Two-face they will help, Riddler they will still try to help, Penguin they still try to help! But him? They put him behind glass in a zoo for anyone that want's to look at him! Don't they realize that he will only get worse doing that!"

Nightwing swallowed hard as he listened to the rant build. He heard the pain and bitterness in the words. And he realized that all Batman has ever done is try to help the Joker and that Batman had taken it upon himself to be responsible for all of Joker's actions. Every death suffered by his hands
was laid upon Batman's doorstep. And Batman accepted it. His self-imposed penance for not taking care of the man when he had the chance. For leaving him.

"It's not your fault. You didn't turn him into a killer."

"I know that. I realize that. You have no idea though what it is like to love someone and see them hurting not only themselves but also others! Unable to help them. Wanting to hold them but not allowed to. I think maybe Two-face's wife knows what it's like, she still loves him you know. But at least no one questions her for it! It's normal for a "Wife" to love her "Husband" but it's not "normal" for me to love Jack. A woman that is mother to a child that becomes a killer is not expected to stop loving her child. But if you aren't related by blood you are supposed to just turn the love off and move on. It doesn't always work that way! I understand why the person that is beat by their significant other finds it hard to finally break the ties because I have yet to figure out how to do it myself."

"I never looked at it that way." Nightwing nodded. "But Batman he is totally insane! He shoots people and he's..."

Batman squeezed his eyes shut. "I have also."

Nightwing stopped as he felt the bottom fall out from under everything that he had ever believed in. "What?"

Batman looked up at Nightwing who was now pacing back and forth. "The Joker once said; 'All it takes is one bad day to drive the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far from the world I am. Just one bad day.' And I had my 'one bad day' years ago. And because of that 'one bad day' I have dedicated my whole life to fighting crime. But in the beginning I wasn't the same man I am now. I did carry a gun and I did use it. And I was horrified. I threw the damned thing away but it was too late to take back what I had done."

"You never told me!"

"I stopped carrying it about the time that you came into my life. You helped me see what I was doing was wrong. You helped me stop from going too far down that path. I had my 'one bad day' and when you had yours I was able to help you at least a little from developing the same type of obsession I had developed. Jack had more then his share of 'bad days'." Batman sighed.

"I told Alfred the truth tonight and he didn't like hearing it." Batman continued.

"You told him that you still loved Jack?"

"Yes. He says it's because the Joker has infected me with his madness." Batman frowned, "And maybe in a way he has."

"What are you planning?" Nightwing asked suddenly suspicious.

"Nevermind. Go home and take care of yourself and Garth. And if you really love him...never let him go for anyone!"

Batman left Nightwing stunned as he hurried out of the cave. Nightwing hadn't known that Batman knew about his own lover or the problems they had developed. Garth and Dolphin and how Nightwing had decided to let Garth go.

LATER:

The nightmares came and Joker tried to come up out of the dream. But was held back by invisible hands. Visions appeared before him in a kaleidoscope of colors. He tried desperately to control the images to control how fast they appeared but no matter how he chanted that it was just a dream no control could be won. They zoomed in and out at a fantastic rate and he felt dizzy as it all spun out of control. He tried to call out but no sound came from him.

Familiar visions appeared only remembered fully during the dreams but hinted at while awake. Driving him to madness. Being beaten nearly to death for knocking over a beer. Watching his mother being raped repeatedly after Father came home from being fired. His father burning the bottom of his feet and leaving scars forever. A million different instances. The final moment when he looked up with blood running in his eyes to see his mother close her eyes forever while his father stood up holding the bat in his hands high. The rage bubble up within him as he finally tackled him and knocked the bat out of his hands and delivered his own version of divine justice. His father's head breaking open under the bat. A remembered feeling of disappointment that it hadn't made more of a sound.

The memory of the one he loved walking off with some woman and then he himself running out and getting drunk for the first time and finding the oblivion sweet as the voices quieted temporarily.

Reading the paper about the Batman and finding the figure familiar. Being dragged into crime by his new "friends". Encountering the Batman while wearing that damned Red hood and hearing the voice that had stayed with him always. Slipping and falling into the chemicals that bleached his skin and ruined his hair. Going to jail at first and being raped his first night. Being traded for a pack of cigarettes and finally escaping. Only to be brought back to jail to be used again.

One of the voices becoming louder and stronger and finally taking over. Killing any other voice that annoyed him until his was one of the two left. The voice of his father. The voice of the Killer.

The wish for death that had always been there, growing stronger with each passing day. The hope that someone that at least once cared for him would deliver him from his own evil. The prayer that he would be killed before the Killer came out again. Eventually those wishes becoming entwined to the point that he hoped that Batman would kill him.

Killing the Bird in the same manner as his mother was killed. Substituting the bat for a crowbar. Feeling the raw power behind it at the same time as the sinking feeling of no return. Blowing up the warehouse to complete the deed.

Watching from a distance as Batman slowly started down his own path to insanity only to be stopped by a new birdie. Relief and Regret mixed together. The Voices began to argue. The Killer, remaining strong while the weaker voice merely fought to exist and spoke with the voice of his mother. The Victim. And when the Killer killed, each face was that of the Victim and deep down he would cry out. In those moments it was his father killing his mother each time. He became his father and the newest victim always his mother.

New visions as each of his victims returned to him each night to merely watch him. He tried to talk to them but they would ignore him and point to him with accusation in their eyes. He lashed out at them only for them to disappear and reform in another part of the room. Eventually the white coats would come and hold him down and give him a shot.

The dream would then replay itself this time more distorted and bloodier. Unable to wake up because the shot to "help" him sleep better kept him from escaping his own private hell, driving him madder and madder.

But this time a new feeling, one never felt before. Being lifted up. Trying to open his eyes only to see the glass he so hated reflect the small night-light.

No longer cold, hunched up, the feeling of vinyl under him and the feeling of air tightness as a door slammed in the background.

The Joker tried to wake up fighting his way up the stream of consciousness and finally got a bleary eye to open. The first thing he saw was light. Many blinking lights on a dash board. He threw his head to the side unable to really control it and felt saliva escape his mouth to drool down the side of his face. "Whaaa?"

Batman looked over, "Awake? Hmm not completely apparently. You are safe and I'm taking you to somewhere better. Where you can get real help."

"No hellll, theeey saay." He drawled out the best he could having trouble getting his tongue to work through the medication.

"They aren't even trying to help you anymore. I'm taking you to a better hospital out of the country."

What he recognized dimly as his records were lying bundled up in the floorboard.

"Ow geet me oot?" His tongue felt positively numb and he always hated the feeling. He felt as though he was completely packed in cotton.

"I sort of released you myself."

Joker cast an uncomprehending look at the forbidding man beside him.

"I kidnapped you. I had tried the legal way and they wouldn't hear of letting you go so..."

Joker tried to laugh as the voice of the Killer screamed in anger. While the voice of the Victim laughed uproariously while saying,

'looks like the joke is on you butthead'

'NOOOO no one will defeat me!'

He continued to scream. The sound of his father on nights when he had successfully hid from his fury. While she with his mother's voice continued to taunt him in his anger.

And deep inside Jack smiled a real smile as they sped into the night.

END