Title: Unforgiven

Author: kirasmommy

Category: Song-fic

Fandom: Batman

Pairing Batman/Joker

Series: Engraved Metal Hearts (unforgiven is part one)

Archive: WWOMB, Rare slash, KB's Misc. anywhere else ask and ye shall recieve

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or song nor do I make any money off of this. Unforgiven is by Metallica.

Rating: R due to language

Summery: Joker thinks on his boyhood and his father while talking to his new therapist.

Think of this as an alterverse

New blood joins this earth
and quickly he's subdued
through constant pain disgrace
the young boy learns their rules
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wasn't always this way. Nah. I think I started out quite normal. What a weird word normal is. What is normal anyway? Everyone has a different idea of normal. But I think I started out what others consider normal. I think anyway. I can't be sure. It might be my mind playing tricks on me again. I know I was born. That's obvious isn't it? I'm here aren't I? Or perhaps I'm a figment of YOUR imagination and therefore I'm not really here. I just think I'm here but if I'm thinking then ain't I really here? I think therefore I am? I'm thinking therefore I must be therefore I can't be a figment of your imagination can I?

Oh? I guess you are right I seem to have gotten off track. Well whether I'm here or not I guess I should tell you what I think I remember.

I was born normal enough. I believe I was an only child. Although I can't be sure I seem to remember many invisible friends around me as a child but perhaps they were real and I was imaginary...or perhaps they were my siblings.

I don't think my father was too fond of me. He had to punish me a lot. But then perhaps it wasn't punishment perhaps that is how he loved. His love was painful. His terms of endearments were harsh. But thankfully eventually he taught me what he needed me to know. But then there were always new things to learn and the lessons were always painful.

Abuse? No I don't think it was abuse, his love was a hardship to be sure and many would not have survived. But it was the only way father could show love.

Mother? She wasn't strong enough to survive his love.

No I don't think I want to think about that. But then in not thinking about it I have to think that I'm not thinking about it. Therefore it forces me to think about it. Look? Could we just not discuss it?

Thank you.

Father raised me from the time I was real little till I became a man. He kept me out of trouble. I didn't dare get into trouble.

I think he did his best really. He looked out for me. He picked my friends which considering that I didn't have any must have meant none were good enough for me. He even picked out my clothes, music, well everything I guess.

I guess I didn't appreciate him. I remember I wanted to leave. I even tried to leave a few times but he always taught me the error of my ways. Of course I missed school after my lessons. But lying in bed while I healed gave me plenty of time to think.

I suppose I should be grateful to him.

Why?

Because it was him that taught me endurance for the things to come, He even gave me the ultimate poker face. Because in the beginning you could read all my emotions on my face and if he didn't like my face he gave me a lesson. So I learned to think without showing it on my face. It comes in handy now a days.

Huh?

OH!

It comes in handy when talking to Batman. In many ways he reminds me of my father. When I break a rule he give me a lesson hahahahaahahahahaaha.

Of course I do a lot for attention. I don't think Batman would pay attention if I didn't break a few rules. The same way with father, I started to break rules just to get his attention. Because when he hit me I knew he loved me.

No no that is pointless don't you see? What is the use in wondering that, what might have beens? I suppose I might have been anything. But what does it matter? You therapists should know that there is no point in dwelling on what ifs!

Again that is pointless! The only way I'm ever going to be free is if I escaped. No one in their right mind would let me out. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

I have done unspeakable crimes. I have murdered innocent lives. No one would forgive that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
they dedicate their lives
to running all of his
he tries to please them all
this bitter man he is
throughout his life the same
he's battled constantly
this fight he cannot win
a tired man they see no longer cares
the old man then prepares
to die regretfully
that old man here is me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've done all the therapies; I've done everything every therapist that has ever come in has wanted me to do. I did exactly what my father wanted; I've even tried to do what Batman wants me to do. But the bottom line is I can't change.

Do you think you are the first newly out of school therapist to come in here thinking that they would cure the incurable Joker?

I've battled my demons since before you got out of short pants!

There is no curing me. So if that is your intention then perhaps you should just walk right back out that door. They can't even accurately diagnose me! I've been diagnosed over the years as ADHD, Conduct disorder, Schizophrenic, Multiple Personality, Delusional, Psychotic, you name it any *new* diagnosis that has come out I've been diagnosed it. They don't know what is wrong with me they never will. The only thing that has saved me from the electric chair IS the fact that I'm fucking nuts.

They don't know if I'm a product of abuse, they don't know if I have a chemical imbalance. Hell perhaps I have brain damage. I don't know and you don't fucking know so don't come in here with the "I'm going to fix him and the world will be thankful attitude." Hell perhaps what I told you is a lie my brain told me today. Perhaps tomorrow you will come and I will have a new history?

They should just kill me and get it over with. ::sigh::

I can barely control myself anymore. Why do you think they got you sitting on the other side of so much think glass with a fucking speaker? They are scared I will attack you and who knows I might someday yet.

Maybe Batman will kill me. That would be true bliss to be killed by one I love so much. The ultimate expression of his love would be to kill me. Just like father showed mother how much he loved her.

What? No I still don't want to really talk about that.

Perhaps next time I break out Batman will finally show me love. To Die at his hands would be sweet release.

What that again? What ifs are useless.

Even if I were normal, even if I wasn't insane, even if I met Batman under those circumstance he wouldn't pay attention to me. And even if he did, this world would not approve and someone out there would consider us both crazies.

Even when I'm out I'm not truly free they will drag me back here. Batman will never truly love me that way I need, therefore I will never be free for only in death will my freedom come.

I don't think that I can forgive his weakness. If he were stronger he would free me.

He will never forgive me for killing his son; his partner and I'll never forgive him for not killing me. We are both unforgiven.

>~fin~<