A TIME OF INNOCENCE 5: Reasons

Author: Jennie McGrath

Notes: originally published in THE BIG B7 ZINE (1993)

A TIME OF INNOCENCE 5: Reasons
By Jennie McGrath

Reluctantly, he reached out and depressed the activator panel of the audio-disc playback. He couldn't put it off any longer. The damned disc had been sitting there, mocking his reluctance...his fear, for two days now. Silence, at first, then the unmistakable sound of a throat being nervously cleared. A painfully familiar voice spoke:

"I'm not sure if Max will be able to get this disc to you, but I had to try. If anyone can reach you, Max is the man. And if Max has to get this tape to you, well--I've been killed. As soon as I heard you were on the Liberator, I wanted to get in touch--tell you why I left, all those years ago. Why I never contacted you. I'm making this recording as a back-up, in case I can't get in touch with you before she finds me. Who is 'She'? It's a long story, but an interesting one.

"Before I get into all that, I want you to know that I loved you. Always. You were special to me, kid...Please believe that, if nothing else. More times than I could count, I wanted to come take you from them--our parents, I mean. And the Federation. Before they could kill your independent spirit--like they almost did to me. Most of all, I wanted to keep you out of the military. Save you the gradual death of self that follows indoctrination.

"Ah well, I'm rambling. Enough of that--I want to tell you about the last 'military action' I was involved with, before leaving the service.

"It was on Earth. Late spring, in the Europa Dome. My new section leader, Travis, (strangely enough, Leader Denys had gone AWOL the night before) chose five men to accompany him on a 'very important' job. We were to interrupt a meeting of dissidents and arrest them--the usual. We were 'interrupting' a lot of rebel meetings at the time; it had become a routine operation.

"So anyway, we gathered at the designated time and place. Travis checked each of our sidearms--individually, mind you--assuring himself they were all set in 'kill' mode. It seemed a bit unusual, we generally had our weapons set in 'stun' mode for this type of operation. Oh, hell...hindsight, and all that shit. Like the obedient little trooper I was, I followed orders. The meeting place was an empty storage area in the lower levels. And I mean empty--no rebels--no one at all. Travis didn't blink an eye; he looked quite pleased with himself, actually. We were told to hide, wait for his signal. And then...then he warned us that these rebels we were here to arrest were armed...and dangerous." A derisive snort interrupted the narrative for just a second, then the voice continued: "Armed and dangerous?? Never. Not a chance, Del. I'd seen these groups before, been on these raids many times. Do you know what we'd find? Teachers, librarians, students--you know the type, none of them would know one end of a gun from the other. Never armed, certainly never dangerous.

"But, I did it." The voice was almost inaudible. Shame was a palpable vibration in the room. "I hid, I waited. And they came in. One at a time, two at a time, they trailed in--until there were seventeen people there. They were young, mostly university age. Then...the first man who'd arrived stood up and started speaking. You should have heard him, kid. Voice as smooth as aged brandy-- and could he talk! I was ready to join the resistance there and then. I believed every word he said. It was incredible.

"You want to hear the funny part? I knew him. It was our cousin, Roj Blake. He was so amazing, so mesmerizing, that I didn't even recognize him at first. And then...." the voice paused, faint but identifiable, came the sounds of a body shifting, seeking a more comfortable position in its seat. "Travis gave the signal, everyone came out of hiding with weapons drawn--everyone except me. I couldn't move...I lay in the air duct, and watched.

"The 'rebels' stood there, frozen with fear. Blake stepped forward and offered their surrender. He told Travis they'd give in peacefully. And that son-of-a-bitch Travis--he opened fire. He just started mowing them down. Oh gods, it was so awful." A muffled sob, then the sound of deep breaths being drawn. Control being gathered. "Blake got hold of a weapon, I dunno--he must have knocked out one of the troopers to get it, and he started begging Travis to stop. 'We surrender! Please stop! Von, it's me...Roj. You're killing us. Stop, please stop.' The desperation in that voice...I wanted to cry. In fact...I was crying at this point.

"Travis never hesitated; he just kept killing them. So, Blake shot him. I thought he'd killed the bastard. Then Blake went down. I never even saw who had shot him." The voice shook with remembered horror. "They all lay there--bodies everywhere, and the blood, the whole room was red with it. I still have nightmares about that room. The three troopers were the only ones standing; they just stared at the carnage for what seemed to be forever.

"Then she walked in. That cold-hearted bitch, I'm sure you've heard of her...Servalan." The words dripped with venom. "She actually smiled when she saw what had happened. Cool as ice, she started giving orders to her aide. Blake to be wiped--completely. Travis to surgery--with a psychostrategist standing by to 'adjust' his memories, just in case he survived. She told her aide to see to it that all of Blake's family and friends were detained. Told him to be sure all memory of Roj Blake be taken from them. She said, and I quote: 'I will kill him without spilling a drop of his blood. Blake will cease to exist.' And she laughed.

"I tell you kid, I saw my own death in that woman's eyes. There I was, twenty-three years old, trooper grade C, two days of active service left. And I knew she would have me killed too, if she found out I'd been in that room. What could I do? I laid low for two of the longest days I'd ever endured...and then I ran. As far, and as fast as possible. Eventually, she found out; I've no idea how. One day I came back to a room I'd been renting on some godforsaken planet and found Travis waiting for me. Do you know, I don't believe he had any idea why she wanted me. He certainly didn't seem to know me, not personally anyway. I got away-- that time and many other times. The odds are against me, kid, sooner or later she'll get me. I only hope I get a chance to pay her back for all she's done to me--and to you, to Blake, to so many, I couldn't possibly name them all."

Again, there was a short pause, then a heavy sigh. "I sincerely hope you never hear this recording. But if you do, please Del, never forget who caused my death. And if you get the chance...give her my regards. I know you can do it.

"So, this must be goodbye. Not something I've ever been comfortable with. Remember this, little brother, I love you.... No matter how it may have appeared, I always did."

This time, the silence was permanent. Deeta had ended the tape with that simple farewell. Tarrant wiped the tears from his face and rose stiffly from his seat. Holding the audio-disc, he crossed to his wardrobe. He opened the hidden panel behind his clothes and reached to place the disc within. After a short pause he closed the panel and put the disc in his tunic pocket; he left his cabin, headed for the flightdeck. It was his watch.

And he had a few things to discuss with Orac