Title: Angel In Hell

Author: Mallory

Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Rating: NC-17 slash m/m

Pairings: Angel/other

Status: Complete

Date: 07/18/99

Archive: Yes

Archive author: Yes

Archive email address: Yes

Disclaimer: Buffy and all relatives belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Warner Bros.

Notes: Thanks to my beta-reader Cats.

Summary: Angel had been sent to Hell with his soul. He has to learn to forgive himself.

Warnings: m/m, angst.

ANGEL IN HELL

By Mallory

Angel woke up with a start, feeling totally confused. He opened his eyes then blinked. Where the Hell was he? The last thing he remembered was making love with Buffy. Now he was in that a strange place. He looked around him and saw it was some kind of natural little cavern. The place was warm and the grey stones where he was lying were warm too. Near him, there was a very small lake full of hot water. Angel bathed his face then sat up. He realized he was totally naked. He frowned as memories flooded into his mind. As he remembered...

He had lost his soul again. He had hurt Buffy and his friends. He had killed more innocent people. He had been a monster. He remembered when he had kidnapped Buffy and tried to rape her before turning her into a vampire to rule a demon world. He remembered Acathla. How could he have been so monstrous ? He sighed and tried to get up. But he felt too weak to move.

"Is there someone here?" he asked.

"Me," a female voice said behind him.

He turned back and gasped. In front of him stood Jenny Calendar.

"Jenny," he whispered. "But you're..."

"Dead, I know. Thanks to your evil twin," Jenny Calendar replied with no anger in her soft voice.

She knelt beside Angel as the vampire asked, "Where are we?"

Jenny smiled. "In a nameless place. Some people call it purgatory."

"Am I dead?" Angel asked.

"You've been dead for more than two hundred years," Jenny reminded him. "Willow had done the spell. They decided to take care of you. You're lucky."

Angel frowned. He had the feeling his mind wasn't working very well "They?" he repeated.

"Angel, we're in purgatory. Just use your brain."

Angel turned pale. "You mean..." he whispered.

"Yes," Jenny answered. "Your soul was about to be restored. Do you remember the first time, the pain, the guilt ?"

"Of course I remember," Angel replied.

"Your soul had been restored, but They decided you couldn't stay on Earth." Jenny explained.

"So I'm dead and ready to go to Hell, right?" Angel asked. He couldn't help but shiver despite the warm air around him. Hell. The ultimate destination. No more hope. No more joy.

"Not exactly," Jenny replied. "Do you think I would have been sent here to welcome you, to guide you, if you were that guilty? Angelus the demon is guilty. Not Angel."

"So why am I here?" Angel asked.

"Because They think you couldn't live on Earth with that guilt in your soul. They want you to forgive to yourself."

"Why are you here ? Did they force you?"

Jenny smiled. "Of course not. Forget all the things you learned on Earth about Heaven and Hell. The reality is quite different. They told me you were about to arrive here, so I chose to come to help you.

"Why, Jenny? I killed you," Angel asked softly, daring for the first time to stroke the gypsy's cheek with his hand.

Jenny smiled kindly. "I felt guilty about the spell, about the fact that I failed in my mission to look after you and make sure you couldn't lose your soul. It's my way of redeeming myself."

Angel nodded. He could understand that.

"What are they going to do to me ?" he asked.

Jenny sighed. "It depends on you. Do you feel guilty for what Angelus did ?"

"Yes, of course. Angelus is part of me. He's my evil side."

"So you think you need to pay for what he did?"

Angel nodded sadly. "If my soul had been more powerful, I could have stopped Angelus. One night I was ready to do it. Buffy had a stake in her hand and she was going to use it. But in the face of final death, I was a coward. I let Angelus hit her, hurt her."

There were tears in Angel's eyes and Jenny stroke his hair softly. "You're going to suffer, Angel," she said gently. "You're going to suffer a lot. To forgive to yourself. But never forget there's always hope."

In front of Angel's stunned eyes, Jenny suddenly disappeared. The whole cavern disappeared.

********************

"Welcome, Angel," a new voice said.

Angel turned and saw a handsome young man clad all in black. He was tall and slim and well-muscled, with blond hair and blue eyes. Angel realized with some embarrassment that he was now completely naked.

"Where are we?" Angel asked, looking around him. The room he was in now was big, dark, cold and totally empty except for the wooden table beside him.

"You're in Hell," the man replied. "Welcome, Angel."

Angel shivered. So it was time. He swallowed convulsively.

"You feel so guilty, Angel," the man resumed. "I'm here to help you."

"Who are you?" the vampire asked.

"My name is Shaitan," the man responded. "I'm the one who helps the lost souls. I can help you, Angel, but your path will be painful."

"Do I have a choice?" Angel asked.

"Of course," Shaitan replied with a smile. "You always have a choice. I can send you back to Earth, back to your beloved Buffy. With the guilt. The pain. The memory of Jenny Calendar's murder. I can give all that back to you. Just ask, and I'll do it."

"What if I stay?" Angel asked. He knew he didn't want to live again with the guilt and the pain.

"I can help your soul to feel pure. But the path will be hard, painful. Sometimes you'll hate me. Sometimes you'll even hate yourself for your choice."

Angel closed his eyes for a moment. He took a deep, unneeded breath. He already knew what he was going to do. He had always known.

He remembered the first few years after his soul was returned. He had been deeply involved in BDSM, begging to be beaten like a dog, just to try to forget his guilt for a few minutes.

"That pain was only physical, Angel," Shaitan said softly. "That's why it failed."

"You can read my thoughts?"

"You can hide nothing from me," Shaitan explained. "That's the rule. If you decide to follow this path, you'll be mine. Body and soul."

"For how long?"

"I don't know. Perhaps a few months, a few years... It all depends on you."

Angel closed his eyes. "I don't want to return to Earth like that," he said. "I don't want to feel guilty for years again."

Shaitan smiled. "Good choice, Angel. Now come to me."

Angel walked towards Shaitan and knelt in front of him. He closed his eyes. He felt Shaitan's warm hands on his forehead.

Now he was in Hell.

*********************

Later... A long time later...

Angel was curled into a ball, his knees under his chin and his arms wrapped around his legs. He was still shivering from the icy shower, but he knew that soon he'd be fine. Well, if lying on a cold concrete floor, naked and chained, in a cold room, after a cold shower, could be considered "fine". But for a few hours, he would be left alone and quiet, allowed to sleep after being given a little blood which he had drunk hungrily.

Angel had lost all sense of the time. He didn't know how long he had been here. A few months?. A year? He couldn't tell. In fact he didn't really care. His mind was lost in a comforting haze. He was no more than an animal now, looking for warmth, for food and for sleep. He had closed his mind to anything else.

At the beginning, he had had some hope. The tortures they inflicted on him were painful, but he still thought to Buffy, of their love, of the world he had known. But recently all these comforting images of his past life had faded. He understood now that his life, for an eternity, was pain and only pain. Torture. He didn't fight back. He knew he deserved it. He didn't protest. His only respite were the hours he was allowed to sleep, to lose himself into dreamless hours of dark sleep.

When he had first entered the room, he had expected torture. He had known he was about to be tortured like never before. The first days, the pain had been horrible. Shaitan had introduced him to his demon. A dark figure wrapped in a long black robe, the head covered by a hood.

Angel had never been able to see his face. It was the demon who tortured him. He had been flogged for hours until the blood ran on his back. He had been beaten. So hard that his ribs often broke. And the demon often fucked him. Angel had spent hours on his hands and knees, offering his trembling ass to the demon's lust. The first time he had passed out as the demon had entered him with no preparation.

Soon he had became accustomed to the rough pounding, so the demon had found another way to torture him. Bound, lying on his back, Angel had been stroked with nimble fingers and tongue until his cock hardened. But he had never been allowed to come. One day, when he was left, he had wrapped his fist around his cock. The demon had immediatly come in saying nothing, and poured holy water on Angel's hands and cock until he screamed. He had never tried again to pleasure himself. It was part of his punishment, for all the women and men he had forced.

One day he had seen Jenny. She watched him as he was flogged by the demon. Shaitan, who was sometimes present, had wrapped his arm around the young woman's waist, holding her gently. Jenny's eyes were wide as she watched the blood run down Angel's body. When the demon had released him, he had fallen to his knees.

"Ready, Jenny ?" Shaitan had asked. Jenny had nodded. Shaitan had explained to Angel that he was about to experience what Jenny had when he had hunted her down in the highschool.

"You're going to feel what she felt," Shaitan had explained. "Now she's the huntress."

Angel had then seemed to be back at SHS that night. The hunt had begun. With the chains around his wrists and neck, Angel couldn't run quickly. The tracking had lasted hours and hours. At the end, exhausted, Angel had collapsed on the ground, watching Jenny approach him. His heart had pounded in his body. He had thought it couldn't be. His heart had been dead for two hundred years. But at that moment, his heart had pounded, he had panted, his lungs had been on fire. He had felt what Jenny had felt. The gypsy had wrapped her hands around his neck and she had strangled him. He had known what it was like to need air in his lungs and not to have it. He had known the human death throes.

He had lived that again and again. But never with Jenny again. After that the demon had hunted him. Over and over until he had ceased to fight. He had ceased to run. He had knelt, offering his neck to the demon. Then the hunts had stopped.

He had relived his crimes. Angelus' crimes. He had suffered. He had sometimes begged for mercy. But now he didn't begged anymore. He was too tired for that. He was exhausted.

*******************

Angel rolled on his other side. His back was still sore and covered with fresh wounds. He closed his eyes trying to get some heat in his body. He was always cold. But he didn't really care. He didn't even think of Buffy or of his past life. He lost himself in a weird state of resignation.

The door opened and he heard his name. It seemed to him it was too soon, sooner than usual, but he didn't protest. Perhaps it was a new game. Since he felt comfortable during these short hours of rest, perhaps they had decided to make him suffer even during this time.

"Come, Angel," he heard. He looked at the figure beside the door. It was the demon. Angel got to his knees but was unable to stand up. He tried but fell heavily on the ground. He was too tired and too weak. The demon helped him. "Shaitan wants to see you," the demon said. He had to help Angel to walk.

They followed a few hallways before arriving in front of a huge wooden door. The demon opened it and gently pushed Angel in. He closed the door behind him. The vampire looked around him. He thought he was in Shaitan's private apartment. It was decorated in a gothic style, with a huge bed, wooden tables, couches, and a big fireplace. Instinctively, Angel walked towards it. Shaitan rose, smiling. He was wearing his usual black outfit, his blond hair restrained in a ponytail. He helped Angel to the front of the fire, then removed his chains.

"You don't need these," he said gently, tossing them away. Then he wrapped the vampire to a black silk bathrobe, and invited him to sit down on the couch in front of the fire.

"Hungry, Angel?" he asked.

Angel nodded. He had noticed for a few days that he was unable to speak, but he didnt really care. He grabbed the mug Shaitan held out to him and drank hungrily.

"Relax, Angel. Take your time," Shaitan said with a smile.

"So Angel, how do you feel?" he asked but Angel was unable to answer.

"Mad at me?" Shaitan asked. Angel put his hand on his throat and shook his head, trying to show that he couldn't speak. Shaitan chewed his lower lip.

"Don't worry, it's only temporary," he said gently, rubbing his hand against Angel's throat. Angel shivered. The heat that was radiating from Shaitan's palm was nearly too much for him. Like a cat, he moved his head, asking for strokes. Shaitan took him in his arms, stroking the silky dark hair.

"I think your punishment may have been a little too rough, Angel. I never thought you could resign yourself so quickly."

Angel didn't show he had heard. He was too busy enjoying the feeling of Shaitan's strokes on his head and Shaitan's arms around his body. Shyly, he put his head on the other man's shoulder, burying his face in Shaitan's neck.

Shaitan sighed. He had misjudged Angel's abitity to endure pain and torture. Angel had reverted to the animalistic state. His mind had retreated into shadows. They spent a long time on the couch, Shaitan slowly winning Angel over by gentle words and strokes. When he thought the vampire was ready, the blond man grabbed his hand and took him to the bed. He gently removed Angel's bathrobe. Angel climbed on the bed, then lay on his stomach, spreading his legs.

Angel's mind was confused. He had really enjoyed the previous minutes spent on Shaitan's lap. He had liked the strokes in his hair, on his shoulders, the gentle words, the kisses on his cheeks. But now he understood why Shaitan has been that gentle. He just wanted to fuck him. Angel thought it couldn't be worse than with the demon, and at least, they were in a warm room and in silk sheets. But Shaitan surprised him again. He had taken off his clothes and had lain beside him, saying gently, "No Angel. That's not what I want. I don't want to fuck you. I want to make love to you. Come into my arms."

Angel obeyed enjoying the warmth of the blond man's body. He snuggled against him but Shaitan gently distangled them and kissed him softly on the mouth. Surprised by the gentleness in the gesture, Angel parted his lips, allowing entrance to the other man's tongue. His kiss was kind and tender, and Angel closed his eyes. The last time he had been kissed like that, it was with Buffy. His mind suddenly reminded. Buffy. His blond angel. His little Slayer. His love.

He felt Shaitan's hands running over his body, teasing his nipples before slightly parting his thighs and he immediatly tensed. Shaitan stopped his ministrations, raising up his head and asking, "What's wrong, Angel?"

Angel didn't reply, simply clenching his fists. He had quickly learnt that giving himself little wounds on his palms was the best way to keep his body from enjoying the demon's attentions too much.

"It's okay, Angel. You're allowed to come. As hard as you want. This is for you. Just enjoy." Shaitan calm voice said to him.

Angel looked at him with suspicion, but slowly unclenched his fists. Shaitan resumed his caresses, putting butterfly kisses on Angel's lower stomach and on his thighs before engulfing Angel's hard cock in his mouth. For the first time in months, Angel allowed himself to relax and enjoy the ministration. The fire in his lower stomach was nearly unbearable and he came in hot spurts in Shaitan's mouth, growling aloud.

Angel stayed on his back a few moments, almost panting for oxygen he didn't need. The fire in his body wasn't gone and his cock was still rock hard. Shaitan smiled and rolled him slowly on his side.

"Spread your legs, Angel," he whispered in his ear.

The vampire obeyed and then felt the blond man's coated fingers entering him slowly, stretching him gently, before pushing his hard shaft in Angel's entrance. Angel moaned, enjoying the feeling, pushing back on Shaitan's dick.

Shaitan wrapped his fist around the vampire's cock, pumping hard on it until Angel's whole body was shaking with the need of release.

"More," he moaned.

Shaitan thrust harder, pumping harder on Angel's cock until they both climaxed sharing the same cry of intense pleasure. Angel felt himself sliding in a deep dark cavern and gave in to it, collapsing unconscious in the blond man's arms.

******************

When Angel opened his eyes again it took him a few seconds to remember where he was. He wasn't in his cell, on the cold concrete floor. He was in a soft and warm bed beside a soft and warm body.

"Hello, Angel. Are you back?" Shaitan asked gently.

"What happened to me?" Angel asked.

"La petite mort. The little death. Nothing wrong. Too much pleasure," Shaitan explained with a smile.

"Why, Shaitan?" Angel asked, suddenly serious.

"You needed that. You needed to be loved. You had reverted into an almost animalistic state. Your mind was lost in confusion."

Angel nodded. "And now?" he asked.

"How do you feel?"

Angel knew Shaitan wasn't asking about his present state of comfort. He licked his lips and said slowly, "I feel... peaceful. I'm at peace with myself. I feel good."

"No more guilt ?"

Angel shook his head. The guilt was gone. He had paid for his crimes.

"That's true," Shaitan smiled. "Now you're free." Angel stared at him with wide eyes. What did it mean?

"You're going to be sent back to Earth," Shatian continued.

"How long..." Angel began. He didn't dare to ask how much time had passed on Earth. Was Buffy still alive?

"A few seconds," Shaitan explained. "There is no time here. No time and no space. It's kind of... an outer dimension. A vortex. You're going to find your friends again only a few seconds after they saw you disappear."

Shaitan quickly dressed but when Angel moved put on the bathrobe, he stopped him. "You'll arrive naked. The clothes you have here can't be transferred to Earth."

Angel shrugged. He was used to nakedness now. It didn't bother him too much. The only person he cared about had already seen him naked.

Shaitan grabbed his hands and they followed a long hallway before arriving in the little cavern where Angel had first awoken.

"Well, here we are," Shaitan said.

Angel looked at him. Was he imagining it or was there something sad in Shaitan's eyes? Gently, he took the blond man in his arms, who buried his face in his neck. They shared a deep, soul-searching kiss before Shaitan pulled away.

"Kneel," the blond man ordered. Angel obeyed. He saw Shaitan's hand touching his forehead, then the whole cavern vanished. Everything became dark and cold. A jolt of electricity went through his body. Then he heard Buffy's voice screaming, "Angel!"

THE END