Title: Bonds of Shame

Author: Kate R.

abelard950@aol.com

Disclaimer: Own nothing and no one used herein.

Rating: PG-13 to R Deals with Issues of psychological abuse and fanatics don't read if hearing what is really done in the world disturbs you.

Pairings: Angel/Wes, Giles/Ethan, Xander/Spike

Summary: What can the bible in the hands of a fanatic do to someone?

Warning: Cutting



Bonds of Shame
by Kate R.

Prologue: Panic

He was looking in the mirror at himself and his clothes were scattered all over the place in his bedroom. God, what did he wear? They wanted to go to the beach. He'd tried to get out of it but Cordelia had said if Angel was going, so was he. Oh, lord above what did he wear? He couldn't let them see how ugly he was. He couldn't stand anymore ridicule. How could he let them see the ugliness that made up his flesh? It was better to hide how flawed he was than to risk the mocking he was sure to get if they saw his skin bare. His face was probably horrid enough. Father had always said that anyway.

He looked in the mirror and was sickened by what he saw looking back. Pale skin that almost glowed. His ugliness there for him to see but he hid it from everyone else.

He felt a tear sliding down his cheek as he looked in the mirror.

He was so ugly. Why couldn't he be pretty like his brother had been? Why was he like this?

He sighed and shook his head. Nothing could be done about his ugliness now. He had to get dressed in something. Cordelia and the others would be here soon.

He swallowed and slid his lightest slacks on and a lightweight long sleeved shirt on. He looked down at his light jacket and slid that on as well. He looked in the mirror and swallowed. He was still as always, unattractive. Nothing could change that it seemed. He sighed and slid his glasses on and slowly locked the door and walked outside where Cordelia was waiting with the others.

"Wesley!" She shrieked. "I told you beach clothes!"

"I'm sorry," he said, as he seemed to shrink in on himself. "This is all I had. I can stay here. Not ruin your day," he said weakly. His ugliness aside, he really wanted to go but if he didn't fit, he couldn't go. He'd done his best. Trying to wear light clothes and yet still hide his flawed skin and such from them. He started to turn to go back inside when he felt a hand grab his arm.

"It's okay, Wes," Angel said. "I'm wearing slacks too. Come on and get in the car. Cordelia just doesn't know how to be nice even on our day off."

Wesley got in the back of the car and sat nearly huddled against the door. He was trying so hard not to be noticed. To blend in and vanish.

"We're here," Cordelia, said as they got out a beach David Nabbit said they could use.

Wesley followed them, carrying things even though Angel was much stronger. He'd learned to be good at things so people would tolerate him. He carried things to where Cordelia was waiting and he set up the things for her. He then sat on the sand even though they ahd a beach chair for him. He just didn’t think they really wanted him. He was tolerated, not liked.

"We're going swimming, Wes," Cordelia said. "You wanna take your shirt off and come join us?"

"I think not," he said as he watched them all shuck off their outer layers of clothes. Even Angel had swim trunks he saw. Angel, he saw, was true beauty. Angel was perfect. Not like him. He was so damn ugly it wasn't funny. No one would ever see him as anything other than a disgusting thing.

He sighed and picked his book out of his bag. He heard them laughing and joking and it hurt. He would have given anything to be attractive enough to join them but he wasn't. He was repulsive. Even to his mother he was repulsive.

In this case not even a mother could love him.

He sighed refusing to cry. He waved when Cordelia called his name and he smiled for them but he was miserable. Why did they punish him like this? Why make him look on their beauty and know he would never be that way, never be able to show them what he looked like? He smiled and he laughed as they joked about his clothes. He let them tease him about his not owning a single pair of shorts. It was for them s much as for him. His repulsiveness would make them sick. He didn't want to do that to his friends. He didn't want them to start hating him. He didn't want them to send him away or laugh at him anymore than they already did.

Somehow he got through the day and when he got home, he simply laid across his bed and sobbed. It hurt. Why couldn't he be pretty like they were? Why was he o ugly? Why? Why couldn't anyone look at him without disgust if he wasn't completely covered? Why?

Alone in his apartment, Wesley Wyndham-Pryce took a razor blade and cut his skin. What were a few more imperfections? He was so ugly a few more wouldn't make a difference. Then, after he bandaged the cuts, he cried until he fell asleep. He let himself go to his dream world where he was beautiful and no one made fun of him. It was the only place he had where that didn't happen. The only place he'd ever had.




Chapter 1: Seeing Evidence

"Wesley, watch out!" Angel shouted.

Wesley acted on instinct, bringing his arm up to deflect the blow. He felt the sleeve of his shirt tear away and he winced wondering if they would laugh.

"Wesley, your arm! What happened?" Cordelia asked.

He looked down at the bandages and then at his friends and gave a mere shrug as he walked away. He was tired. It was time to go home.

"What's wrong with him?" Cordelia asked.

Angel sighed and shook his head. He had a nasty suspicion he knew exactly what was wrong with Wesley but he didn't have all the answers yet. "I'm not exactly sure, Cordy," Angel said. "But I know someone who can help me find out. I'll see you all tomorrow. Have a good night."

"Night Angel," Cordelia said. They were right near her place.

Gunn left to go home and Angel went back to his hotel. He paced for hours thinking. If he didn't help Wes, if he didn't do anything to make this better, he was committing an act so vile it wasn't funny. If he did, he would have to face one of the people whom Angelus had hurt more than was sane. Hence him knowing his best friend had been off his nutter. Angel thought, weighing the pros and cons. What mattered more to him, a feeling of guilt for being a vampire or his best friend's health. Hell, Wes was more than that; Angel just hadn't found the time to tell him. He loved Wesley. In the end, he knew what the answer was. Wesley mattered more than guilt over being a vampire doing vampire things. Angel sighed to himself as he picked up the phone. Those bandages had been in a place that told him Wesley had done that to himself. Angel meant to find out why.

"Hello?" a voice said as the phone was answered on the other end.

"Xander? It's Angel. Can you get Giles for me? It's important."



Sunnydale

"Hang on a second, Deadboy. G-man, Angel needs to talk to you, he said it's important."

"Thank you, Xander. Could you and Spike take the shagging in to the guest room? Ethan and I do not need to see that."

"Sure, Giles. Come on, Spike. We're gonna go into the guest room and finish our party."

"Kay, Whelp. You and Captain Chaos be good now, Rupes. There's children here abouts."

"Go!" Giles barked laughing as he took the phone. "Yes Angel?"

Giles was silent for a few moments listening and Ethan watched as his face got colder and colder.

"Yes, of course I'll look in to it. Angel, if they are self inflicted. Oh, you are? Thank you. Someone needs to take care of that boy. Yes, I'll let you know as soon as I find out anything. Angel, take care of him. I may not have been able to see it when he was here but he is a very special young man. No, what I'm saying is hurt him and I'll stake you myself. I know you will. Yes. I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Actually, I have what I need right here in my living room. Yes, goodbye, Angel. I'll see you soon."

Giles hung up and looked at Ethan. "Can you hack the council?" he asked his lover. He was the only one who knew Ethan was a master hacker. Of course, he was also the only one who knew Ethan had a Genius Level I.Q. Right now he needed those skills. He needed Ethan his lover, not Ethan the chaos mage.

"What am I looking for?" Ethan asked as he removed from his briefcase a laptop that was state of the art. He carried that with him wherever he went and Giles knew it.

Giles explained Angel's fears about Wesley and Ethan got to work on finding the answers. He glanced down at the scars adorning his own arms as he worked, remembering when Rupert had saved him from much the same kind of hurt pain.

"Oh, my god," Ethan whispered as he found Wesley's file.

"Ethan?" Giles asked. It hadn't taken long but then it never did when Ethan was doing it, which often made him wonder if Willow really was as good as she claimed to be.

"Rupert, Wesley Wyndham-Pryce was raised by My Father but he isn't my brother. He's Your Son."

"Oh, dear God," Giles whispered in shock and horror. He knew what Jonothan Wyndham-Pryce had done to Ethan. He knew and he hated it. That his own son had been given to that man---

"We have to go to LA," Giles said. "Now!"




Chapter 2: On the Road to LA

Giles and Ethan sat in the front seats of the car. Xander and Spike were in the back. Giles was furious about something. When he'd banged on the door right after he and Spike finished and said they needed to go, they had gone. Now they were driving hell for leather towards LA and Angel who had called and whatever he had said, whatever Giles and Ethan had found out, it was bad. It was so bad it wasn't funny.

Xander held on as the car took a curve sharply but for once kept his mouth shut. They were in LA now and Xander was hoping they did not get pulled over. Giles didn't seem to care.

They arrived at the Hyperion hotel and Giles got out of the car as quickly as possible. Now was not the time for slowness. Now was the time for running and action.

"Angel!" Giles called as they came in. They stopped as they saw Cordelia sitting at the desk crying.

"Cordelia?" Giles asked.

"Wesley," She said to the Father Figure of her heart. And then she grabbed Giles in an extremely tight hug and began to sob.

"What happened?" Ethan asked gently.

"He cut himself," she told them brokenly. "He's been cutting himself for a while and we didn't notice. He was bleeding too badly today though. Angel thinks he cut too deep. Angel took him to the Hospital. They should be back soon. Angel wont let them keep him. Wes...Wes kept saying a few cuts could hardly make him uglier. Giles he's not ugly. Why did he say he was ugly? Why did he do this to himself?"

"He's been told he was his whole life," Giles whispered. "He's been abused and belittled and made to feel ugly and insignificant. He was hurting so badly he didn't know what to do to express it so he marred his skin. It was all he could do."

"But it's wrong!" Cordelia cried. "It's wrong and bad and... And no one had the right to do this."

"Very true," Giles said. "But they did. Come on, now. Help me make a room up here for him since I don't think Angel will let him go home."

"His home is barren," Cordelia whispered. "We have to buy him things for it. He doesn't know how to live Giles. He doesn't..."

"Then we teach him," the elder man soothed. 'We teach him and we help him learn. Okay?"

"Okay," she sniffled. "I can do that."

"Good," Giles said as he looked at each member of his group's faces. "Good."




END PART 2