Title: Comic Relief Returns

Author: Poison

luv4poison@hotmail.com

Disclaimer: All hail Joss creator of all thing BtVS and Ats. Shun him for the lack of proper relationships that everyone *knows* he should have

Series: The Comic Relief Fund is found at the Buffy Fanfiction Archive

Rating: R

Warning: guys with guys and girls with girls and girls with guys and guys with guys with guys: two of which are vampires

AN: For lack of better title making abilities... and all mistakes are my own cause I was too impatient for Jessie to get back to me

AN2: Xander thinks his life turned upside down after a certain point, I am here to prove that it was never right side up to begin with

Dedicated: to Calia for the challenge. I may have messed with the punctuation of the sentence but I used the same words damn it

Thanks: to the bunnies that bit before the challenge with a different nonplot and after the challenge with a better sorta-nonplot

Feedback: encourages bunnies to bite again... harder every time


Comic Relief Returns
By Poison
~~~

"Oh my god! I forgot: Xander's Mom had him in the High School library!" Willow said in a shriek.

And that is when I discovered that my life started out turned upside down.

You see, my mom wasn’t exactly the smartest person in the world and really didn’t want anyone – other then her boyfriend – to know that she had gotten pregnant during high school. I told Willow ‘cause she’s my best friend in the whole world and I fig’red she deserved to know where I came from.

She – my mom – went into labor during lunch hour. Not knowing what else to do, she headed into the library and gave birth to me in the very back of the stacks where they keep all the books that even the librarians (including Giles) avoided. It’s not really something to be proud about but that’s how it happened so that’s how I’ll tell it.

It turns out that to be born on top of the mouth of Hell is a “fate worse then death” as told by some monk (I won’t even try to pronounce his – or was it her – name) who died a really long time ago and no one knows about except Giles ‘cause he’s all knowing.

According to some prophecy or another, that is what led to my terminal illness of “demon magnet.” That’s what everyone called it anyways… especially Spike. Giles informed me that there’s a real technical version that he “suspects you will never see the purpose of being told and therefore make silly remarks to try and hide your discomfort at not knowing the proper pronunciation or tenses”, but that’s okay, I heard him talking to Willow about it and I can’t remember tenses of pronunciations… couldn’t even guess spellings. I think it’s in some kind of demonic language. The way I see it though, is that hospital patients are constantly being diagnosed with things they can barely pronounce so I’m cool with it.

As always, a spell was cast and I was caught in the middle of it – actually, it was meant for “the child born over the mouth of Hell”; either way I was in trouble. It seemed that my demon magnetism was magnified and anything classified as even slightly demony wanted to get very groiny with me. Completely traumatized by all the evils trying to cop a feel, I decided to drown my sorrows in liqueur commandeered for Giles back cupboard (His good English stuff with the kick).

I woke up completely nude, in an LA hotel with a vampire on either side of me. After the initial freak out, thinking that dead people were in my bed I then freaked out over the fact that both of my vampire bed-partners were male and therefore, dead. I ran and got drunk a second time and woke up again naked – only instead of vampire bed-partners I ended up with vampire watchers.

Spike never let me live that one down. I mean… go out, get drunk and go somewhere with someone to have a nice fuck – not caring whether or not you know and/or like them, but to do it twice… two nights in a row – even if you minus the fucking – it isn’t exactly something to write home about. And to make it worse, I supposedly hated both of the guys that I slept with.

By now I have slept with (with and without a choice and in the none sleeping sense of the word) Faith who is none other then a Slayer; Anya who was the former Patron Saint of Scorned Women, a demon for well over 1100 years, human for barely 25, and once again vengeance demon; Spike: William the Bloody, a quarter of the Scourge of Europe, big evil demon, and now chipped vampire; last but certainly not least ‘cause he would fucking kill me if he was: Angel who was the leader of the Scourge of Europe, first and only known vamp with a soul, champion of the powers, and guy with really bad hair.

On my checklist that makes… absolutely no normal people for Xander to get lucky with!!!

Man I really hate being the damn demon magnet.

– Except for the fact that I am now happily bound to both Spike and Angel curtsey of the magic that was over me at the time we had our little One-Night-Stand-That-Turned-Into-A-Lifetime-Deal thing. Making Spike’s chip kinda lenient and Angel’s curse all but nonexistent.

I could say that we lived happily ever after, but that would be a lie ‘cause Angel insists that we keep Cordy around and ever since she and Wills started going out it’s been really crazy especially with the baby on the way. Plus Lorne is always coming around, sniffing at what doesn’t belong to him – he will never get it through his thick skull that Angel is MINE! Gunn and Wes – okay, so mostly Gunn – continue to suggest orgies that both Wills and Cordy want in on and thank the gods that Giles moved back to England after Ethan won back his heart otherwise I have no clue what I would do!

I’m not even gunna bring up Buffy even though I just did… (She and Dawnie moved to France and they’re both going to school ‘cause Buf retired from Slaying and Dawn… is young. Buf is also Missus Robert Pieau – a big wig in France – with the third born a couple months ago. Dawnie is “enraptured with a sodding European who doesn’t know a bloody fuckin’ good thing when he sees it… treats her like shit then sleeps with her to make it better… damn pilock” – Spike’s words ‘cause Buffy wanted him there for Dawn’s birthday.)

But I finally got Giles to write down what it is that I am… okay, Spike did, but it’s the same difference. I’m an Hjirlk’ophmn. It’s pronounced her-gilk-oomph-min. When in plural you remove the “min” off the end and if you are calling me it you change it from “her” to “hell.” The demony language that it comes from is Oumph – or at least that’s what it sounds like, but Giles didn’t give Spike the spelling so we’ll just stick with that.


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