Author: Caliadragon

Category: AU

Fandom: Buffy

Pairing: No main pairing

Warnings: Angst, Mentions of Character Death

Spoilers: Current Season

Pt 4: Dancer's Series

Disclaimers: Not mine, never will be. If they were they wouldn't have taken Xander's eye. BASTARDS!!

Rating: PG

Summary: Xander from Dawn's POV.

Thanks to Edi for the beta.

By Caliadragon

He doesn't laugh or smile anymore, not even over little things. When I look into his eyes it hurts me inside. He used to make me feel as though everything would be alright. Even when Glory and the First were at their strongest, he made me feel safe and grounded. I always felt safe because Xander was there. I knew where my place was, because Xander was there to show me the way. I know this sounds strange. After all Xander's just the normal guy. But no matter how much magic Willow knows or how strong Buffy is, it's always Xander that made me feel safe.

He never treated me differently or like a child. He was the one who made me feel better about not being a potential. He was the one who made me feel special, and when I looked into his eyes I felt how much he cared for me. Now when I look into his eyes all I can see is pain and agony. It's like his soul is bleeding.

Where there used to be happiness and love, now there's just a void. You know, when I found out the three were together I was so happy. They were amazing together. The A's always sandwiched Xander between them. They were his bookends. Small, delicate and odd. Yet, they were the strongest people I ever met and they made Xander glow. Xander's love heals and burns. I've seen it.

Kennedy and the other potentials once asked Anya how she could forgive Xander for standing her up at the altar, and become a part of a tri-relationship. Anya had smiled gently and got a far away dreamy look in her eyes. "Have you ever had anyone look at you like the world begins and ends in your eyes?" When they answered no, she smiled.

"I was a demon for centuries. I had lost touch with what it meant to be human and to feel love. Then Xander came into my life and he smiled at me. He showed me how to love and be human again. We were afraid, and I think I pushed the wedding too soon. We had so much unsettled between us. Then Andrew locked us in that closet and we talked. He held me and told me how much he still loved me. When he holds me or when he kisses me, it's like the world is near the end and he needs to absorb me each time. It's not just that he's a Viking in the sack, it's that he needs me. When we talk or when we cuddle up, no
one matters more to him than Andrew and I. It wasn't a matter of forgiving Xander, it was a matter of not letting him go. He doesn't mind that I'm blunt and love money. Or that Andrew is kind of geeky and awkward. All that matters to him is that we love him." It was the most amazing and profound thing that Anya had ever said. Now Anya and Andrew are gone. No more comments about sex at the wrong time. Or Andrew going on about Star Trek. I miss them. You could see the awe and the adoration on Xander's face when he looked at his A's. Now all you see is a blank stare and terrible pain. Everything about Xander that made me feel safe is gone. Xander's gone and I'm afraid.