Summary: Equal is good but difficult to achieve

Disclaimer: Joss is a genius. I'm not. All belongs to him, to UPN, to WB, to Fox ... you get the picture. I'm just having a bit of non-profit making fun here

Warning: un-beta'd but approved by several very smart friends

Fandom: BtVS

Set: Uncertain. Doesn't really matter. Pre-soul, anyway

A/N: Hope you like!

My love and thanks to eyezrthewindows for the incredible support, evilmaniclaugh for the brainstorm and snowpuppies for the demand to post now, damnit.

Equality

Slim, soft, surprisingly strong hands pushed against his chest.

His back hit the painted wall, hard, and the air in his lungs was expelled in a whoosh.

He gasped for breath then froze as the tip of a cool tongue began to move invitingly over his still-parted lips.

Eyes widening, he opened his mouth slowly, experimentally. The fleshy tip slipped inside and proceeded to explore, slowly at first, then more demandingly … more thoroughly than he could have believed possible. His gums, teeth, palate were treated to a forensic examination that made his heart thump and his pupils dilate.

The first stirring of his cock came as a surprise. This was supposed to be damned disturbing, not arousing. Why the hell was he letting this happen? Why was it a huge turn on when the mouth moving against his turned slightly to gain better access, sealing their lips, and a pair of strong arms wrapped around his body possessively and pulled him tight against a hard body.

He gasped again when a hand snaked down between their bodies and began to rub his cock, rapidly bringing it to full erection. His zipper was pulled down and his prick jumped out gratefully, eager to be fondled and stroked and ...

Oh, fuuuck!

Someone else's hand. His own hand he could deal with. Hell, he was so accustomed to his own five fingered attentions it was embarrassing.

But his own fingers had never been this clever, this sensitive.

This was so good. Unlike anything he'd ever felt before. Cordy had talked big but always chickened out when it came to the actual touching stuff. Faith hadn't been much interested in foreplay. Or afterplay that didn't involve his premature demise. His other 'lovers' ... Well, his sensitivities hadn't been forefront in their minds.

Those clever, knowing fingers stroked his shaft, using his own pre-come to lubricate their journey. Up and down, around and about. Over the head, down to the balls, back to ...

Oh, fuckety fuck, fuck!

Another hand had joined the first and a finger was playing gently across his perineum and stroking softly against his pucker.

His balls tightened and with a shout he came, semen shooting generously across the body still plastered against his, the only thing holding him upright.

Four simple words cut through his post-orgasmic haze.

"My turn now, pet."

He shook his head and focused on the blue stare drilling into him.

Rousing himself, he thought carefully for a moment then sank to his knees.

"Okay."

After all, fair was fair. He felt wanted and cared for. Someone cared about him. He wanted to show his gratitude.

He opened his mouth.

Part 1

Spike stared at Xander, bemused.

"What do you mean, you think we should take a break?"

Xander shuffled his feet, staring at the floor, at the ceiling, anywhere but into those hurt blue eyes.

"I just mean, I'm not sure this is working out for me."

Spike frowned. "Having the best sex in your miserable history of crap sex isn't working out for you? Having the best sex you'll ever have isn't working out for you?" He was rapidly working himself into a fury. "You have the best lover in the entire world fucking you on a regular basis and it isn't working out for you?!"

"Well, that's the thing." Xander straightened and finally looked at the pissed off vampire. "You always fuck me. I just feel like any warm body would do it for you." He thought for a moment. "Or any room temperature body, come to that."

His sense of ill usage grew. "You don't care about me. Just about getting off. If you cared about me even a little bit you'd let me fuck you every once in a while. So we could be, like, equal partners in this ... whatever it is."

Spike climbed down from his snit and furrowed his brow in puzzlement. "I thought you liked what we were doing."

"I do, Spike. I love what we're doing. I just want ... more."

"What's that s’posed to mean? More what?"

Okay, so Spike wasn't going to make this easy for him.

Xander waved his hands about impotently. "More relationshippy stuff. More snuggles. More ... more me doing you. Even once. Maybe I don't always wanna bottom. Did you ever think about that? Huh?"

Spike stared at him in something akin to horror. "Boy, I'm a Master Vampire. Just because my fangs have been pulled, metaphorically speaking, doesn't mean that's changed. I top. Every time. End of story."

Xander's shoulder's slumped. "Okay. I guess that is the end of this story. Shame. I kinda wanted to see how it turned out." He turned and started to walk away but stopped when a pale hand landed on his shoulder, gripping almost hard enough to hurt.

Spike spun Xander around to face him. "You're serious, aren't you? You'd really say ta-ta, thanks for the fish, no more for this little soldier ..."

"There are fish? Where are the fish? Spike, what the hell are you talking about?"

Spike sighed heavily. "Bloody Americans. More culture in a pot of yogurt."

Long fingers began to stroke caressingly up and down Xander’s bare arms. “You know you don’t mean it, pet. We’re good together, we are. A bit of fun, a few laughs …”

Xander pulled away sharply. “That’s it? That’s all it ever was to you?”

Spike was shocked to hear a slight tremble in the boyish tones. He frowned. “Well, yeah. I mean … what else was it supposed to be?"

Xander’s heart shattered very slowly, the sharp fragments seeming to pierce his chest, as he processed the vampire’s words.

Spike wasn’t supposed to call his bluff! He was supposed to hold him, hug him, tell him he was right -- that they had a relationship and they cared about one another and …

This wasn’t the way it was supposed to go. Spike was supposed to pull him into his arms and comfort him and tell him he … he loved him.

Unrealistic, naive, dumb as shit?

He suddenly understood the full, ridiculous extent of his self-delusion. He’d been kidding himself for weeks now that they had something special, that Spike was beginning to care as much for him as he cared for the vampire. He should have known he was fooling himself. Should have taken the hint when Spike was so careful to treat him with his usual dismissiveness when they were around the rest of the gang. Even when they were alone, it was an event if Spike kissed him. Fucked him, yeah, but kiss him? Not so much.

What the hell had he been thinking? Of course Spike was only using him. He'd never pretended anything else. No declarations of love, just the same old snarky insults.

He almost laughed at himself but managed to stifle the sound, afraid it would turn into a sob. He had to get out of this situation with some dignity. He wasn't going to fall apart in front of Spike. Later would be time enough.

"I think you'd better go, Spike. It's over. If I didn't know it before, I do now. You're a cold, heartless, evil --"

"Well, yeah, pet. I'm a vampire. Cold, heartless and evil kinda comes with the territory."

Spike had no idea what the fuck was going on. Why was the boy giving him grief? Not like this was some big romance or nothin'. It was just a way to pass the time. Not as much fun as slaughter and mayhem, maybe, but he'd enjoyed the sex-on-tap and didn't much want it to end. Not until he said it should, anyway. Maybe a bit of distraction was called for. He'd always prided himself on his powers of seduction.

He placed his hands on broad, bare shoulders and pulled Xander towards him. Wrapping his arms firmly around the brunet's waist, he tucked his head into the crook of Xander's neck and swiped a broad, wide, wet lick up his neck then sucked an earlobe into his mouth and nibbled gently. He grinned when he heard Xander's deep-throated growl. Got him! No more insane talk about ending this --

"Stop it!" Xander pulled out of Spike's embrace and stepped back a long pace. "Didn't you listen to a word I said? For God's sake, Spike, show a bit of respect for me, will you?"

Spike's anger returned ten-fold. How dare this ... human talk to him like that. Didn't he remember who he was dealing with? He should be flattered a Master Vampire had even deigned to touch him, never mind bothered to lube him up before fucking him.

He arched an eyebrow. "You want respect? Maybe you shouldn't bend over for the first guy who asks," he said nastily.

Xander's eyes widened. They were much too bright but Spike was too furious to notice, never mind wonder why. "Yeah, I guess that was my big mistake. You should be proud of yourself, Platinum Wonder. You took a normal, straighter 'n' straight, All-American guy and made him your fuck toy. Congratulations. Now, go bask. I wanna go to bed. Alone."

Spike realised that he'd made a tactical error. The boy was chucking him out and he'd spend the night alone in a cold, dank crypt rather than wrapped around Xander's luscious warm body, covered in clean sheets, with the prospect of waking with a hot mouth wrapped around his cock.

"Xan," he wheedled, "don't be like that. You know I didn't mean it."

Xander laughed bitterly. "Of course you meant it. You think I'm dirt under your feet. Well, this piece of shit is finally standing up for itself. Fuck off!"

Spike pulled himself up to his not very impressive full height. "Fine. You don't have to tell me twice." He raised a hand as Xander opened his mouth to speak. "Okay, you have told me twice. Well, you don't have to tell me again. I'm out of this dump. And don't think you can sweet-talk me into coming back. Ever!"

He turned on his heel and wrenched open the door. He couldn't resist a parting shot over his shoulder. "And tell the next guy your blow jobs need work." Then he was gone, the slam of the door echoing around the suddenly too empty apartment.

Xander turned blindly, heading for the bedroom. The bedroom he'd been sharing with a gorgeous, blue-eyed, blond vampire for the last month. He stopped in the doorway, staring at the rumpled sheets, then slowly sank to the floor, the tears finally falling. He crawled across the floor on hands and knees and pulled himself onto the mattress, hauling the covers over his shaking frame. It was a relief to finally give way to his overwrought emotions, and he sobbed uncontrollably until his exhausted mind and body shut down and he slept.