Fic: Grief

Author: CaliaDragon

Fandom: Buffy

Rating: R

Spoilers: Post Season 7

Summary: Xander hears a song and finally grieves for the loss of the woman that he loved.

Feedback: On list or at caliadragon@myself.com

Archive: Any list I send it to and those with prior permission. Anyone else please ask.

Thanks to Edi for the beta.

Disclaimer: Xander and all other Buffy characters do not belong to me. The song My Immortal belongs to Evanescence.




Grief
by CaliaDragon

I'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain seems just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you'd scream I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all your fears
and I've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now I'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just to real
there's just too much that time cannot erase


when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I've held your hand all of these years
but still you have all of me


I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
I've been alone all along


Xander was on his way back to the house that the Scoobies now called home. It was a year ago today that Sunnydale had fallen. A year since the fall of the hellmouth. Xander didn't like to think of all that he had lost to that town, nor did he like to think of those that had been lost in its fall. Reaching over, he turned on the radio to drown out his own thoughts. Including those that said he didn't want to return to the fold of the Scooby life. The truth was, he had been happier in Africa than he ever had with the rest of the Scoobies. There was just something about the Savannah that had called to Xander. Giving him a sense of peace and a feeling of home.

It wasn't until he reached the US that he realized that he really didn't belong there anymore. The feeling of guilt that this revelation stirred in him made him even more ansty and restless than he had been. Sighing, he continued to scan through the radio stations until he came to one that he liked. Puddle of Mudd was belting out how much she hated him. This caused Xander to smirk. It reminded him of his relationship with Cordelia. His smirk faded as he felt a pang of sadness. Unlike the other Scoobies, Xander and Dawn had kept in contact with Deadboy.

Dawn because she loved him, and Xander because of his motto: keep an eye on your friends, there was no telling when they would become your enemy. Xander knew that Cordy was dead and tried not to blame Angel for it, though he did blame the PTB. This was another reason it was hard for him to come back into the fold. Xander no longer believed in the Powers or the mission that Willow and Buffy had decided to dedicate their lives to. Sure, he had looked for Slayers, but only because he felt that they should be allowed to know why they had suddenly become part of a very dangerous hit list.

Xander sighed again and then gasped as the haunting music began to float from the speakers of his rental car. Xander was so stunned that he pulled the car over and turned up the radio. Each word of the so ng hit him like a blow, and stole his breath away.

Tears gathered in his eyes and a gasping sob tore from him. He closed his eye and lay his head on the steering wheel. Images of his life with Anya began to flow through his mind. The first time they had made love instead of just having sex. The feel of her in his arms as they lay together, talking about their day. Nothing that had to do with the Scoobies, demons or death. The memory of watching her walk away from him after the wedding that wasn't. Memories of the last time they'd made love. Memories of the way her eyes glowed just for him. The first time he told her he loved her. Memories of the games they played with the Scoobies. Neither of them could figure out how it was they didn't realize that Anya would know when not to talk about sex.

The most painful memory was of seeing her the last time when she walked away with Andrew. Then memories of standing at the edge of the crater that was Sunnydal e and Andrew telling him she was gone. Xander had made a stupid joke, but in the end he had forced his grief aside. Tears fell down his cheeks and Xander sobbed for her loss. He sobbed for losing out on the time he could have had with her as his wife. He grieved for the lost chance to make things right with her, but mostly he grieved for the woman who had accepted him and loved him anyway.

Xander wasn't sure he would ever recover from her loss, but he knew that he would always miss her and that no woman would ever take her place. Xander reached over and turned off the radio, then wiped away his tears. As he got back on the road, the song reverberated in his mind and through his soul. Anya lingered for him, but he was unsure as to whether he ever wanted to lose the feel of her in his heart.



The End