Title: How Love Was Found

Author: Caliadragon

Fandom: Buffy/Angel

Pairing: Xander/Angel, Dawn/Spike

Warnings: Angst and character death

Spoilers: Season 4 of Buffy. I've taken license with Angel.

AN1: Doyle is alive get used to it. No Connor and no return of Darla. The bitch stayed dead. Buffy was not brought back either.

Disclaimer: Not mine never will be.

Archive: Permission for those who already have it and on BC.

Thanks to Edi for the beta.

AN: Told From Xander's POV.

How Love Was Found
by Caliadragon

We were torn apart, bleeding and wounded. On the outside we were whole, but on the inside there was this great, gaping void that used to hold them. They were a part of us. From the f irst moment we saw her and found out who she was. Then he came into our lives. With his correct ways and somewhat stiff demeanor. I think I loved them from the very beginning. I know that my best friend did. How could you not? There was so much about them that seemed to complete our lives. We lost a part of our small trio when she came, but she helped to ease the ache and fill our emptiness.

Then we lost her as well. Not to a vampire, but to a deranged god. For a while Willow talked about bringing her back, but Spike, Tara and I talked her out of it. To everyone's shock, Hank Summers wanted nothing to do with his youngest child, so I adopted her. That seemed to be the last straw for Anya. She left me. To be honest, I think it was better in the end. We sold Buffy's house and I put the money into a college fund for Dawn. We tried to stay on the hellmouth for a while, but it was too much for us.

Giles was the first to leave. It was a hard blow to the girls. He was our stability and our father. I knew he would go, though. I could see it in the way he held himself. The way he drank too much and slept too little. The only thing I was surprised about was who it was that came to get him.

I can remember feeling anxious and afraid when I hadn't seen him all that day, so before I headed back to the apartment and the girls I went to see him. I was shocked when a stranger answered Giles' door. The man was tall and imposing, with long, silver-blond hair and grey eyes. "May I help you?" he asked coolly, and I could feel myself blush.

"I'm here to see Giles," I answered, suddenly anxious. The man raised an eyebrow and stepped back.

What I saw when I stepped inside made my heart stutter and my blood boil. There were three other men in the room and Giles was on the couch, barely dressed. "What the FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!" I roared and stepped protectively in front of my friend. The blond and the other three bac ked away from me and one pulled out a stick and pointed it at me.

"Put that away, Black. The boy is just worried about his friend," the man with the hooked nose said scornfully. I just glared.

"What have you done to Giles?" I asked in a low, controlled voice.

An amber eyed man stepped forward, and for some reason I felt myself relaxing. There was something about him that reminded me of Oz, but also of Giles. "We are here to help our friend. My name is Remus Lupin. These are my colleagues; Sirius Black, Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy. We have come to take him back to England with us."

At that I snarled. "If you think I'm letting some Council toady take Giles away, you've got another thing coming, wolfman," I spat out. The man stepped away from me and a look of shock crossed the faces of those around me.

I reached behind my back and pulled out my knife. It was silver, and I could take out the werewolf before going for another wea pon and protecting my friend. I started when I felt someone take the knife from my hand gently. I spun around and saw that it was Giles. "Giles! Are you okay?" I asked anxiously as I knelt in front of him.

He smiled tiredly and gave me back my knife. I heard a sharp inhalation of breath from behind me, but ignored it. Giles was my concern at the moment. "I'm fine, Xander."

"That explains how he knew you were a werewolf, Remy," the stick guy said.

"You're leaving, aren't you?" I asked, surprising him.

He nodded. "It hurts too much to remain here, Xander."

I nodded, I understood. He loved Buffy as much as I did, as much as we all did. "Will you at least say goodbye to the girls?"

"Yes, I will. Now that I've sold the Magic Box, I don't have that to worry about. I want to stay, but I can't," he said.

I threw my arms around him and hugged him tight. After a few seconds he hugged me in return. "I love you, Gile s. I'm gonna miss you." Then I pulled away from him and left, not looking back.

The next day Giles said goodbye to the girls and even to Spike. The day after that, Spike was sleeping on my couch and a month later we were all leaving Sunnydale. Tara and Willow transferred to UCLA and I got Dawn enrolled in a private school that Spike found. It had demons attending it as well, but Dawn liked it and the girls were all happy. The only problem I had was the fact that we were all living in the hotel.

I had a job with a local construction firm so I was able to avoid Angel as much as possible. I know that the others thought it was because I hated him, but it's not that at all. I have always had a thing for the vampire, but I was in denial land. I mean, it was so third grade. Pick on the one you have the crush on. I would probably never have admitted it, either. I was happy in denial land.

That all changed about a month after we moved in. There was an accid ent with magic and once again I was the one it turned on. I have never understood why that always happened to me. Anyway, one minute I was standing on the sidelines and the next Deadboy and I were in my bed, naked. I had the worst hangover in existence, which was really shitty considering I don't drink.

I was really freaked out when I went to sit up and felt pain in my ass and a slight burn. I couldn't remember how I ended up there, though there were vague feelings. Feelings that left me blushing and in a panic.

I was sure Angelus was going to wake up at any moment and kill us all. Instead it was Angel that I woke up by climbing off the bed. He asked me if I was all right and I laughed. I couldn't help it. I had just woken up in bed, naked, with a vampire, and I had no idea how I got there. I was so beyond all right that it was frightening. I finally stopped laughing and settled into a nearby chair. Angel began to talk and as he did I listened with growing horror.

The spell backfired spectacularly. Instead of freeing our client from the demon victimizing her it somehow rebounded and bound me to Angel. It turned out that Willow translated the spell wrong. The spell bound a person to a demon, not unbound them. How it worked itself out depended on how the person being bound felt about the demon in question.

I was shocked to find out that Dawn was bound to Spike and I was bound to Angel. Both bindings were life long. Thankfully Spike and Dawn had a platonic bond between them, while I was now Angel's mate.

Everything I felt for him had come out. There was nothing either of us could do about it. To say I was pissed would be like saying the Statue of Liberty was a little tall.

Of course, Willow was apologetic, but really, what could I say about it? What could I do about it? Nothing, that's what. Angel and I were now stuck with one another. When a vampire takes a mate, it's for eternity.

I'm not sure if I would have been able to control my anger if Dawn had ended up in the same position that I had, but Spike made it clear to me that he had no intention of acting on their bond until Dawn was older and ready for such a thing.

Dawn was also upset, why wouldn't she be? She was 15 years old and married to a vampire. There would be no dates, no boyfriends. There would only be Spike. It wasn't that she was against the mating, it was that she wanted a chance to make that decision on her own. So much in her life had been wrong. So much in her life had been decided for her, without her permission, and this was just one more thing that she was blocked from making a choice about.

Now, you're probably wondering what Angel and Spike thought of all of this. Well, from the fact that they each tore up different parts of the hotel and could be heard screaming from where Dawn and I were hiding, I'd say they were pretty upset. After all, t hey both had their choices taken from them as well. Both of them were still mourning Buffy. Both of them still loved her and now they were married to two mortals who were not the woman they loved.

Of course, the rest of our little family was appalled as well, but again, there was nothing that could be done. We made do. Angel was really good about giving me time to adjust to my new place in his life. He didn't try to dominate me or force my acceptance of him.

Maybe I would have fought him, or... I don't know what I would have done. Thankfully I never had to find out. He woed me, just as Spike was wooing Dawn. Though it did take Dawn less time to accept the situation than it did me. I had never had a male lover, maybe I would have if Jess had lived. Jess had died though, and he was the only other male I had ever had such feelings for. I was terrified. Everyone I had ever loved died or turned on me at some time.

Angel seemed to understand this . There was no sudden change. No acknowledged one anyway. One day we were just sleeping in the same bed and the next we were making love.

I barely remember the first time he took me, but I definitely remember the second. It was heat and tenderness. It was hard and it was gentle. It was incredible. He took me to a place I had never been. I had only had two lovers before him, Faith and Anya. With Faith there was nothing gentle or coaxing about it. She rode me rough and tossed me out like day old garbage.

With Anya it was more about her pleasure and what I could do for her. I didn't realize just how wrong that was until my first time with Angel. I have thanked Willow every day since then for the mistake she made.

Two years ago, when Dawn turned 18, she and Spike disappeared for nearly a week. When they returned, Spike had claimed Dawn and the chip was gone. None of us were worried. He would stake himself before doing anything to upset Dawn a nd killing innocents would do just that.

I've been with my mate for 7 years now, and not a day has gone by that I haven't learned something new. I'm not saying everything has been easy, but it certainly hasn't been boring.


The End