Hurt

Author: Kate R.

Rating: PG-13

Characters: Wesley, Barnabas, and Angel

Prequel to The Storm takes place sometime During Heroes

Summary: Wesley hurts, reflects, dreams and heals

Disclaimer: Same as always I don't own them and the song belongs to Johnny Cash, the Great Man In Black.

Hurt
by Kate R

"I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real."

He looked down at his hand and the bruise that marred it. He'd punched the wall in his apartment that morning to remind himself that he was still alive. Pain was all he felt in life. All that was real to him. Agonizing, heart crushing pain.

"The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything."

He no longer slept. Occasionally he passed out from alcohol consumption but only on Friday nights. He would never be hung over when he had to teach. Every night other than Friday he worked out until he collapsed. He did not want to dream anymore. He did not want to remember.

Unfortunately, he did. He remembered everything about that day. Everything that occurred, every word spoken, every feeling felt.

"Say after we take care of this maybe we'll go out for Pizza huh, Wes?" Angel had said as they were arming themselves.

"Sure, Angel," Wes had answered. God, he hadn't eaten pizza since that day. It hurt. It hurt so much.

"What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end."

He walked at nigh, until well into the early morning hours, patrolling and doing his part to help. But he didn't do anything but that. Gods, he hated his life. He hated living this way. His friends would all be so disappointed. But, they'd all left him. Everyone he really knew, everyone he allowed in, everyone he had ever loved and called family ahd left him. Either they died or they forgot about him. It hurt.

"You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt."

Everything he touched fell to ashes. Everyone he touched got hurt or dead. Everything he'd ever tried to build had fallen away to nothing. He'd had it proven to him that nothing lasted. He sighed giving in. They could have it. All of it. He no longer had the energy to fight. He was just too
tired.

"I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I can not repair."

He felt as if he were dying. He wondered if this was how Christ felt when he was going to his death. He sighed as his friend Barnabas Collins, the Town Liege, came to check on him. He told him the same lie he always told: "I'm fine."

Later that night, he stared out the window at the black, black night once he'd finished his patrol. Broken, irreparable thoughts tumbled and slashed through his mind as he day dreamed.

"Beneath the stains of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here."

Barnabas knew. He'd told Wesley that night that he knew where he went when he daydreamed. Barnabas knew he went someplace that his burden was lighter. Barnabas knew he saw him as someone else in those times but he was still so alone.

"Not Alone," Barnabas heard whispered in the air. "You are with him."

Wesley had fallen asleep with his head on Barnabas' shoulder. He seemed to rest better if Barnabas was with him. Barnabas put him to bed and he whimpered. Barnabas soothed him gently and closed all the curtains. Then, he sat by the bed and allowed Wesley to hold on to his arm.

"What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end."

He dreamed that night of Angel. He felt safe so his mind relaxed.

"Wesley, it's okay," Angel told him. "You can let go of grief and guilt. You aren't alone, we are always with you. We will never leave you and neither will he."

There was a flash and Wesley saw an image of Barnabas.

"He's worried about you," Angel said.

"It hurts," Wesley said as he began to cry.

"I know," Angel said as he pulled Wesley into a hug. "But you aren't alone and you don't have to carry the burden alone. There is someone with you right now who cares. Let him in, Sweet Wes. Let him in."

"You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt."

"Give it to me, Wes," Angel said as he hugged him tightly. "Give me the ashes and the ruins. Give me the hurt and blood and fear and darkness. And then, step into the light. Go where you belong."

"If I could start again
A million miles away---."

"Start again, Wes," Angel said. "Your new life is waiting. Take him out for pizza. Trust me, it's time. I can't share pizza with you like we always used to but he can. Someone who needs you as much as you need him. Go on now, your new life is waiting."

Wesley nodded and held tightly to Angel one last time. "Goodbye, my friend," Wesley whispered. "I miss you."

"I'm always here, whenever you need me," Angel said as he turned Wes to face the image of Barnabas that seemed to be waiting. "Go."

"I would keep myself...."

He woke to Barnabas stroking his hair gently, trying to sooth the tears he had finally cried in his sleep. Wesley smiled at him and for the first time in more than a year, smiling did not hurt at all. He had his friends' blessing. What more could he need to finally heal?

"So, who are you?" Barnabas asked a few nights later as they just walked after patrol. Wesley had stopped his pushing until he collapsed and no longer went to bars on Friday nights. Now, he went to the Old house of Collinwood and stayed with Barnabas.

"You can call me Wes," Wesley told him finally giving him a pet name that he would not ignore being called. For the first time in over a year, that name did not hurt. It did not hurt when Barnabas called him that experimentally. Thanks to Angel, he was finding the way to life.

"Take care of him," the ghostly voice whispered. Wesley and Barnabas both turned and Barnabas' un-needed breath caught in his throat and stared.

The transparent image of a tall man with dark hair and eyes, dressed in black and wearing a long black coat stood watching them. The man gave a small smile and wave and then turned and walked into the night, vanishing.

"Was that?" Barnabas asked.

"Angel," Wesley answered. "Come on. I'll tell you all about him over pizza."

"I would find a way."

FIN