TITLE: King of Sorrow

AUTHOR: Willie J

PAIRINGS: Angel/Xander

RATING: NC-17

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any part of Buffy et all, not Angel the Series.

FEEDBACK: Ok, be brutally honest with me (actually just lie, I bruise easily)

DISTRIBUTION: List Archives

SPOILERS: Probably all the seasons of Buffy and season #4 of Angel

BETA'D BY: Kris and James (they are soooo good!)

SUMMARY: After Sunnydale

A/N: Okay, I said that I wasn't gonna post this until it's finished or post another story until I at least got a couple more chapters of my other stories done...maybe next time I can be stronger.

A/N#2: Song by Carl Thomas...Emotional

King of Sorrow
by Willie J

Cleveland

Xander drove home from work, for some odd reason in a reflective mood. His lips kicked up in a crooked grin, if he wasn't careful he was gonna turn in to Angel minus the angst. His grin broaded into a full smile, like he had anything to be angsting about.

It's been two years since they moved to Cleveland. He, Willow, Kennedy, Buffy and seven of the new Slayers had purchased big house with the settlement money that the insurance company had to pay out to everyone from Sunnydale. There was enough room for everyone, even Dawn had a room all to herself when she came home from college in Santa Monica.

He just wished Giles didn’t feel the need to go and take Andrew with him. Who would have thought of Andrew as a Watcher? He shrugged, but Giles was pretty confident that Andrew would make a wonderful Watcher. He smiled just remembering the infectious excitement glittering in Andrew’s big eyes, knowing that he had a place, that someone believed in him had almost had Andrew floating around on cloud nine. He kept calling Giles his Yoda.

Xander snickered remembering Giles’ muttered comment, ‘And I complained about you calling me G-man? Heaven help us all!’

It still threw him for a loop that he, Xander Harris had finally won the golden girl....Buffy. Who would have thought that after everything they had been through, that he had been through----that he would wind up engaged to her, Buffy Ann Summers.

A slow smile crossed his lips...he sure as hell didn't.

His face softened, remembering how she had been a tower of strength during the dark time, actually they kinda propped each other up, two wounded warriors and limped along. Each of them mourning their lost lovers.

To think that it took Willow to bring them together this time…forcing them out of the house, making them go out and try to have fun.

It had at first begun as a game to spite Willow. Pretending that they were each over their lost loved one, he over Anya and she over Spike. They had plotted and schemed that if they pretended like they were having fun, they could probably find a nice little dark basement or attic somewhere and brood in peace without Willow's damn cheerfulness around.

It was one of the few times he had gotten pissed off at Willow and yelled at her, feeling immediately like he had kicked a puppy at the wounded look in her eyes. Snarling he had grabbed his coat and sullenly went to meet Buffy at a restaurant.

He had growled at her and was a little taken aback when she snarled at him. Angrily they eyed one another across the table before his lips began to twitch, and at the sight of her lips twitching he had begun to laugh it seemed, for the first time in months.

After that they started hanging out together to get away from Willow’s desperate attempts to ‘help’ them. It had taken some months before they were even able to mention Spike or Anya without pain. Laughing and crying over their favorite stories about Anya and Spike, he shifted uncomfortably, well he hadn’t really been crying. It just happened to be raining every time he talked about Anya, he assured himself firmly.

It had slowly crept up on him just how much fun he had been having with Buffy and he started withdrawing from her, feeling like he was betraying Anya’s memory in some way. He didn’t feel like he was supposed to be having fun while Anya lay dead.

And it took a couple of smacks by Willow to knock some sense into his thick head. He smiled fondly remembering the blistering lecture that Willow had given him that convinced him that it was okay for him to start being happy again. That he wasn’t betraying anyone…that life and death…. it all happens and there’s a point in time that people simply have to move on. Willow had told him that he was not crawling into a grave with Anya if she had to kick his ass back to life herself.

Good ole Willow…she always knew just the right words to say to him.

Slowly, carefully they eventually began testing the waters of dating and he watched with a critical eye some of the losers that Buffy would often bring home. Well, he thought ruefully, they would have been losers if they weren't driving nice cars, being courteous and holding down good jobs. At the time he just couldn't figure out why it pissed him off every time she brought one of her losers back to the house.

At least not until the rip roaring argument they had gotten into, with him accusing her of going out with nothing but losers, she yelled that he was dating tramps. They said a lot of nasty things to each other before they stormed away. He to his attic workshop, she to the basement to workout. It wasn’t until late the next night that they grudgingly spoke again, actually Willow forced them to apologize, and they did, eyeing the baseball bat the angry redhead held tightly in her hands.

Gritting their teeth and plastering fake smiles on their faces, they had grated out their ‘I'm sorry’ to each other, hoping that would satisfy Willow…he should have known better. Man, did Willow have a mean streak in her!

Not in the least bit fooled, she made them hug each other and angrily they did. He remembered feeling something that he had long since thought dead as he held Buffy in his arms and he reluctantly drew back, feeling her arms tentatively releasing the tight grip she had on him.

He had met her eyes, seeing something there before she turned away, a slight red coloring her cheeks. Things were different between them after that, an awareness of her that made him awkward around her...like he was that same goofy kid from high school. And it had seriously shocked the hell out of him when he realized that she was feeling the same.

It had taken several overtly, casual outings as ‘friends’ that they finally admitted that maybe there was something between them, that maybe they could build into something solid.

And carefully they did, taking this ‘new’ version of their relationship one step at a time. Slowly, tentatively they worked their way towards each other, until they finally became lovers, he smiled proudly. Their one year anniversary was coming up in a couple of months and he had something really special planned for her in two months.

Life was finally becoming good for him. He had a good job, one where he still got to go out on construction work sites, good friends and a wonderful fiancee.

What more could he possibly want or need, he thought with a fond smile at the roses laying on the seat of his car. Okay, a million bucks would definitely be even cooler, he smirked as he pulled into the driveway.

"Hi, Xander, bye Xander," Willow cried as she darted out of the house, followed by a grinning Kennedy being tugged behind her girlfriend.

Xander held up a quick hand, "Wait a minute, young lady!" he spoke with mock sterness. "When you’re living in my house and under my roof I expect a little more than ‘Hi Xander ‘and ‘Bye Xander’. Details, missy or you ain’t going nowhere," he crossed his arms stubbornly.

Willow blew out an exasperated breath, "Xan," she spoke slowly, "A couple things I thought I might point out to you. One, this is not your house and two you are not my father." She raised a brow to him, eyeing him with a amused glint in her eye.

Xander scratched his nose, "Excellent points, my dear. Still you ain’t leaving this house until you tell me where you’re going and when you guys’ll be back. Like how do you know me and Buffy don’t wanna to come?"

"Well, for one thing," Kennedy said dryly, "Buffy flew out of town just after you left this morning," and with a sly grin, she added , "But we will be more than happy to have you join us, they’re doing the live onstage production of the Vagina Monologues at the auditorium," she said generously, trying to hold in her laughter at the sight of Xander’s horrified face.

Xander shuddered, "Ah, thanks but I just remembered a previous engagement to have a root canal." He looked thoughtful for a minute, "You said Buffy flew out this morning, hmmm I don’t quite remember her telling me that she was leaving. I probably just forgot," he shrugged.

"Yeah, you are getting old," Willow teased him merrily.

"Hey watch it," Xander said with a smile, "You’re the one that’s two months older than I am." Inside he was puzzled, he was nearly positive that Buffy hadn’t told him anything about going out of town.

He grinned, knowing that when she got back they were probably gonna hafta buy a new bed. The last couple of months every time Buffy came back, she was always extremely enthusiatic in bed. All that Slayer power and strength in bed, he shivered in remembered pleasure.

"Allright, you guys," he said smiling, "I’ll see you later."

He turned a mock stern look on the two smiling faces, "Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do," he waggled a finger in their faces.

Laughing with them, when Willow grabbed his finger saying sweetly, "But Xander there’s nothing you wouldn’t do. See ya," releasing him, she grabbed a laughing Kennedy and raced for her car.

Xander shook his head with a smile, "Those crazy kids."

Grabbing the bags of dinner, he strolled into the house, "Well, lovely ladies I guess it’s just gonna you," he leered goodnaturedly at them, "And me."

Blinking, he then noticed them in various stages of getting Slayered up.

Emily looked up, "Oh Xander, we’re sorry but we’re supposed to be doing patrol tonight." Her face was bright with excitement.

"Just imagine, Xander, we’re patroling by ourselves," Toni squealed jumping up and down. "No Buffy, no Willow, no you, not that we wouldn’t like having you with us," she added hastily.

"But it’s our first time on our own," Megan said quietly, her eyes on Xander pleading with him.

Xander frowned slightly, before sighing softly, "You girls be careful out there, remember everything we taught you. Don’t allow them to separate you and always travel together," he said looking sternly at each girl. His ears almost shattering under their screams of joy, wheezing for breath under each hug from the girls.

"Okay, enough with the hugging," he gasped out, gently feeling his ribs after they released him.

"I’m sure you’ll all be hungry when you come in, so I’ll leave the takeout on the table," he lifted a brow, smiling under their eager nods as they tossed out a series of ‘Bye Xander’ over their shoulders as they bounced out of the house.

With a sigh he looked around the empty house, before removing the takeout from the bags and sitting down to a lonely dinner. Quickly washing up after himself, he headed upstairs for a shower.

He watched television until he got bored before grabbing up his guitar and beginning to play, feeling the tension and stress of the day leaving him. He played for hours until he became aware of the growing ache in his fingers and replaced his guitar on its stand. Getting up and stretching he wandered up to his bedroom and fell into his usual restless, uneasy sleep awake as he sensed the young Slayers return.

Four days later Buffy returned very late in the night, crawling into bed with him and rousing him with hungry kisses.

"Mmmm," he sighed into her mouth, "Not that I’m unappreciative at waking like this, but what brought this on?"

Buffy dived back down for a long thorough kiss before responding breathlessly, "I just missed you," she sighed, sqeaking slightly as he rolled them over.

"If I’m gonna get this every time you leave," Xander chuckled hoarsely, groaning under her warm hand caressing him, "Then maybe I need to go out of town next time," he said huskily before he slid into her warm body, riding her to a passionate climax.

He lay spent next to her, trying to catch his breath with a slight frown pulling at his face, "What did you call me," he asked glancing down at the top of her head resting on his chest.

"Hmmm, when," Buffy asked sleepily, gently caressing his chest as she basked in the afterglow of sex.

"It sounded like you called me Angel," Xander said with a forced laugh, feeling uneasy for no reason.

"I did," Buffy looked up at him, a smile on her face, "You are my angel, aren’t you?"

Xander’s frown melted under the warmth of her smile, "You betcha," and he tilted up her face and kissed her softly.

Buffy lay back down and stared sightlessly out the window, keeping her body relaxed until she heard the soft sounds of Xander sleeping.

Several months later, two days before their anniversary Buffy had to fly out of town again on business, saying that she would stop in to see Dawn while she was out there.

"So how long you gonna be," Xander sighed as he stood at the entrance of their bedroom, watching her pack.

"I don’t know," Buffy replied with a quick smile over her shoulder, before turning back and folding her dress.

Xander frowned, "Why are you taking that dress," he asked indicating the low cut dark blue dinner dress.

Buffy sighed, rolling her eyes, "Xander, I’m going to be gone for at least a week, maybe two if I’m unlucky. And I can tell you right now, that I’m gonna find me a nice fancy place to eat to relieve my suffering," she frowned determintely.

"Sure you’re not wearing that dress for some other reason," Xander asked quietly, his eyes intent at finally expressing the niggling worry that he had been having for months.

Buffy paused in her packing and looked at him, "Xander, I’m going out to the West Coast for business, then if I have time, I'll hopefully stop in and give a shout to Dawnie," she said softly crossing to him and caressing his face with a gentle hand, "You’re the one that I’m marrying in less than three months, okay." She leaned up and pressed a quick kiss on his lips, willing him to believe her, trying to convince herself.

Xander’s face softened, "I know, it’s just that….," he hesitated, not really wanting to voice his fears any longer.

"It’s just what," Buffy looked up at him curiously.

"It’s just…I feel like your hiding something, drawing away from me," he said in a rush, his face flushing under her incredulous gaze.

Buffy blinked and hugged Xander tightly, "I love you, Xander. Don’t you ever forget that," she whispered huskily, hiding her face.

Xander closed his eye in relief, everything was okay, it was just his overactive imagination again seeing doubt and fears where there were none.

"Well, you make sure that you don’t listen to any of the lines from those California men. I hear that some of them can be pretty irresistible," he leered at her, forcing a laugh from her.

"Idiot! You’re from California," Buffy slapped lightly at his chest before turning back to her packing.

Xander spread his arms wide, "I rest my case!" a triumphant look on his face.

Buffy snapped the suitcase closed and before she could pick it up, Xander was there.

"Allow me, my lady," he smiled and lugged it off the bed, gasping and groaning under the weight.

"Good Lord woman! What the hell do you have in this, rocks?!" he exclaimed in mock surprise.

Buffy rolled her eyes, "Very funny! Now pick it up and carry it down the stairs," she ordered with a snicker of amusement.

Xander straightened up and snapped off a smart salute, "Ma'am, yes ma'am!" before grabbing the suitcase and carrying it down the stairs easily, and out to her car.

Sliding the suitcase in the trunk he turned to her, "You be careful out there, alright? Don't forget to set the wards on your hotel room like Willow showed you, okay," he said anxiously, looking down into her face.

"Xander, you would think that I haven't been flying around the country for the past year," Buffy said gently, touching his cheek softly as if to memorize his face.

Xander blew out a breath, "Yeah, but this time I've got a bad feeling about this trip," he looked away from her probing eyes.

"Xander, you know that I love you don't you," Buffy said suddenly, looking up into his face, "And that I would never willingly do anything to hurt you, right?"

Xander glanced down at her startled, "Of course I do, it's...it's just that for some reason...this trip feels," he struggled for a word to describe his feelings, "Like I'm sitting on a ticking bomb that's about to explode." He looked away, ashamed of his doubts and fears, missing the startled look on
her face.

"Nothings going to happen on this trip. It's the same as always," Buffy insisted softly, reaching up and touching his face, "We'll always be friends no matter what happens in our lives. I'll always be there for you and you'll always be there for me, right?" she smiled encouragingly up at him and was rewarded by that beautiful crooked Xander smile.

Xander held her hand to his face tightly, "Yeah I know. I don't know why I'm stressing over this trip," he laughed sheepishly and walked her to the driver's side of the car, kissing her briefly.

"You be careful out there," he said quietly as he stood up.

Buffy waved and drove off, seeing him watching her in her rearview mirror and bit her lip, feeling the sting of tears in her eyes.


Arriving at her destination safely, she hurried to a payphone and dialed a familiar number. Waiting impatiently for the other to pickup, breathing a soft sigh of relief at the 'Hello' from the other end.

"Hey, I hafta be in town for a few days, can you spare an old woman some time," she teased softly.

"Sure, where are you staying, *old* woman," came the amused reply.

"Same place as usual," she laughed, feeling the familiar feelings welling up in her.

"Dinner? Then the club tomorrow night?" was the comment.

Trying to play hard to get, she said, "Ooooh, no can do, I got a meeting to attend that's gonna take me late into the day and by the time I'm finished I'm gonna be wiped out. How about the day after," she asked brightly.

"I'm penciling you in even as we speak," came the soft chuckle.

"Oh, aren't we the busy executive," she exclaimed, laughing softly.

"Hey, I gotta make a living too," was the laughing rejoinder, "See you in two nights, Buffy."

Saying goodbye, they hung up and Buffy rushed to her hotel room, where she spent the next two days, wandering around L.A. until it was time for him to pick her up from her hotel.

She paced nervously back and forth in her hotel room, waiting for him to arrive. Trying to talk herself out of making such a foolish mistake. Arguing heatedly with her conscience that they weren't doing anything wrong, so why did she have to feel so guilty.

Her conscience replied back snarkily, that if what she was doing was cool then why the hell didn't she tell Xander the first time, or the second time or even the third time. Now she was into full blown lying just to meet up with him.

She argued back that Xander wouldn't understand.

Her conscience snorted, he sure as hell wouldn't not after you've been lying to him for the last six months.

There came a knock on the door and she rushed gratefully to it. Taking a deep breath and calming herself, making sure everything was in place and her ring was off, she opened the door with a warm smile.

"Hey, Angel," she said watching as familiar whiskey colored eyes peered down at her.

"Hey Buffy," Angel smiled, "You're looking better than ever. You ready to go?"

"Yepper, just gotta get my bag and we are so outta here," she grinned as she grabbed her bag and hotel key off the dresser and stepped out.

Angel extended his bent arm, "Milady."

Buffy snickered as she took his arm and they walked laughing to the elevator. And as the elevator shut on their laugher, the telephone rang in Buffy's room.

Xander frowned slightly as the hotel operator came back on and asked if he wanted to leave a voice mail message.

"Nah," Xander said looking around the busy airport, "I'll just surprise her."

Man, was he glad he let Willow and Kennedy talk him into flying out to California, he snickered silently just imagining the look of surprise on Buffy's face when she saw him standing outside her hotel door. He looked puzzled for a minute, he didn't remember her saying that she was going to L.A. though. His face cleared, she probably just wanted to be close to Dawn.

Hmmm, maybe he should call Dawn and check on her, he winced....he was not checking up on Dawn because Dawn was a grown woman now and quite capable of handling her own affairs, he mentally recited. Grimacing as he remembered the blistering tirade that she had given him about her latest breakup.

Sheesh, why the hell did she tell him if she didn't want him to go out there and break the dude's arms and legs, ya know? Buffy should have warned him not to say anything other than ‘uh huh’ or just keep his mouth shut, he thought angrily, shoving quarters into the phone.

"Dawn," he exclaimed, "How's my favorite sister-in-law to be doing?"

"Xander," Dawn said excitedly, flopping down on her dormbed, "Wassup? Hey, nothing's wrong in Cleveland is it? Do you guys need me there?" She said suspiciously, sitting up quickly, ready to pack her things...she was bored.

"Now why would you think that, can't a guy call up one of his favorite girls and say hello? Don't I call you every month, if not more just to see how you're getting along? And ain't Buffy out there to see you almost monthly?" Xander said indignantly.

"Darn! I'm just getting bored sitting around, getting an education, ya know," she sighed. "Besides, Buffy ain't coming up to see me monthly, she calls me monthly though."

For a few seconds she thought he had hung up the phone, "Xander? Xander? You still there," she asked anxiously, feeling relieved to hear his voice again.

"Yeah, I'm still here," Xander said quietly, his face stiff. He forced a Xander laugh out, "For some reason I thought she was visiting you when she flew out to California."

Dawn flopped back down on her bed, "Nah, from what she says, they got her running around until it's a little too late for her to make the trip to see me. The first month or so we managed to squeeze some time in, but not anymore. We’re New Age sisters," Dawn joked, "E-mails and telephones calls is the way to go!"

"So how's college life treating you," he forced a lighthearted note into his voice and let Dawn's soothing babble ease the turmoil in his soul before she regretfully said that she had to be at a student meeting in 15 minutes and they hung up.

Gathering his bags with a cold mechanical precision, he strode over to the Rental desk and picked up his car with little fuss, not realizing the dangerous look on his face had people very carefully stepping aside.

Throwing his bags into the trunk, he slammed the lid shut and drove off. Making a quick stop at a sporting goods store, he tossed the baseball bat onto the passenger seat and drove carefully to Buffy's hotel.

Entering he made his way swiftly to the front desk and plastering his best 'I'm absolutely harmless' look on his face he smiled at the young woman behind the counter.

"Hi there. My name's Xander Harris and I was told that a very good friend of mine was staying here. I was wondering if you could ring her room for me, tell her that Xander's in town, wanting to see her." He gave her his best, 'I'm just a little helpless man' look.

The clerk looked up with a smile, "Sure, what's her name," she turned to her monitor.

"Buffy Summers," Xander said quietly, his eye lowered.

The clerk looked up, "Oh I'm sorry, you just missed her! She and a gentleman just left about an hour ago." Reassured by Xander's open smile she leaned forward and said chattily, "They are such a cute couple, she even has a pet name for him, Angel. It's just so cute and romantic," she sighed her eyes dreamy.

"Is it really," Xander said softly, "I don't suppose you know where they were heading now would you," he leaned down on the counter and gave her a hot look.

She shivered, for a one-eyed man he certainly had some moves on him, where the hell did that Buffy woman find these men?

"Well, whenever she's here, they usually hang out at a club called, Caritas II," as she gave him the address she wrinkled her nose, "It's a really bad part of town, I don't know why they go there."

Xander gave her a dazzling smile, that never reached his eye, "Thanks for the information, perhaps I'll see you later," he whispered as he kissed her hand.

"S..s..sure," the woman stuttered, her eyes wide as she watched him saunter out of the hotel.

"I'm so in love," she breathed staring at her hand, starting as her co-worker bumped her shoulder.

"Who was that," the guy asked.

"My future husband," she sighed as her co-worker rolled his eyes.


Xander drove carefully to the club despite the sick rage, roiling through him. It got so bad that he had to pull over and throw up on the street. Clenching his teeth, he finally made it to the club and slowly entered, easily spotting the demons mixing with the humans.

Carefully he made his way over to the bar, wincing as the demon up on the stage totally mangled the song it was trying to sing.

"Hi, what can I get for you," the bartender said cheerfully, slinging a cloth over his shoulder.

"Mineral water, please," Xander said quietly, taking a seat.

"Coming right up," and within seconds, a glass of water was sitting before him as he casually looked around, and for a split second froze when he saw Buffy and Angel sitting in a dark secluded corner.

Rage darkened his vision at the look of adoration on her face, the same look she used to give him...the look that had been missing for months when she looked at him, he realized in pain.

"I don't think I've seen you in here," the bartender leaned on the counter, his face bright with interest.

"No," Xander hesitated, "Someone recommended this club as a place to kick back and relax."

"Well sweetie, as long as you don't start any violence in here, everything's peachy keen," came a voice behind him.

He turned and blinked at the green demon smiling cheerfully at him.

"Hi, I'm Lorne and aren't you the most chocolately morsel I've ever seen," Lorne exclaimed softly. "Goodness gracious, and I thought tall, dark and mmmm, mmmm good only applied to Angel. But I see that the competition for his title has certainly arrived. You'll be a shoo in if you can only sing, Angelcakes sings like a wounded sea lion," he said confidingly.

Despite his seemingly chattering streak, there was something about this young human that troubled him. There was so much pain in that dark gaze, enough to drown the entire club.

Xander nearly choked on his drink under the deluge of words, "Uhm, thank you, I think. And I do sing a little, usually just for family and friends," he said quietly, a manic glitter in his eye.

Lorne drew back slightly, but feeling drawn to help the troubled young man, "Well, it's karaoke night and I assure you that you couldn't possibly be worse than guy screeching up there now." When he sang, Lorne knew he would be able to help.

Xander looked undecided, but a quick rippling laughter from Buffy and the way her hand rested on Angel's arm decided him.

And with a tight smile he agreed.

"All right my chocolate cream pie, let me go up and introduce you, what's your name," Lorne said briskly.

Xander paused and said quietly, "Call me Goodbye."

Lorne blinked, "Oh…oh, okay. Give me a second to introduce you and then come on up."


Engrossed in her conversation with Angel, Buffy paid no attention to what was going on around her, as always getting lost in his eyes. Every since he had let slip that his soul was permanent, it was all she could do not to jump across the table and attack him. Touching him thrilled her, listening to his voice gave her such joy that he could be talking about rocks and she would still gladly listen to him.

And she just knew....knew that he felt the same way about her. She had to make a decision. It wasn't fair to none of them, her waffling between the two men. If only she had a sign, something to let her know that what she was doing was right.

When she heard Lorne introduce the next singer, she knew that at Angel's side was where she belonged.

"Everybody let's give it up for Mr. Goodbye," and Lorne stepped away and motioned Xander forward.

Buffy's head jerked around as Xander spoke, her eyes wide and her face stricken.

Angel looked up startled, "Hey, isn't that Xander? With an eyepatch?! Did he lose his eye or something? Buffy? Buffy?" He gave up attracting her attention, seeing it focused on Xander.

"I would like to dedicate this song to a very special woman," Xander said quietly into the microphone, he nodded to Lorne and the music started.

Lorne backed away into the shadows of the stage, watching carefully.

//I knew you when I had a friend
Very deeply loved lived within
But somehow we got loose
From what was oh so tight
Somewhere we went wrong
When we were oh so right//

He never once looked in Buffy's direction, as he sang. Memories of happier times flashing through his mind.

//What's a man to do when he just can't take no more
What am I to do when my heart leads me to the door
Now we've tried and tried again
But now this is the end
Tell me what's the use of holding on
If we can't be friends//

Her radiant smile the first day they met, partying at the Bronze with Buffy and Willow, long nights of research parties, hanging out at her house.

//I'm emotional
And I can't let go
I am trying to hold on to you
Though it hurts me so
Gotta let you know
That the love we once shared now is through
Say goodbye to you//

Darker memories surfaced...her dancing with him at the Bronze trying to make Angel jealous, refusing to kill Angelus because she wanted Angel back and then lying about Angel being back, pushing him to the side thinking to *protect* him when he wound up saving all their asses, lying about fucking Spike of all people....and now this. Lies...all of it lies, he could see now.

//You seem to hurt me purposely
I didn't understand it
Oh girl, why me?
I had no choice
What was best for us
Was to terminate our love and be free//

He should have suspected something when she called out Angel's name when they made love, but fool that he was he eagerly ate up every sweet lie that fell from her lips. Never looking past the gilt and gloss to see the truth.

//What's a man to do when he just can't take no more
What am I to do when my heart leads me to the door
Now I've tried and tried again
But now this is the end
Tell me what's the use of holding on
If we can't be friends//

Lorne fell to his knees under the avalanche of PAIN the human was generating. Dear God, how was the human standing up under that much pain. He should be dead by now, he moaned softly under the strain, images flickering in his head. Angel and Buffy were what triggered this, his eyes
glowed softly.

//I'm emotional
And I can't let go
I am trying to hold on to you
Though it hurts me so
Gotta let you know
That the love we once shared now is through//

//Say goodbye to you
Say goodbye to you//

Angel sat silently watchfully as Xander put the microphone back on its stand and casually stepped off the stage with a brief fulminating at him, no not to him, to Buffy he thought in shock.

"Buffy," he said carefully, "Is there something you're not telling me?" He looked at her bowed head.

"Can we talk about this at the hotel, please," Buffy looked up with wet eyes, shaking.

"And when we get to the hotel, you better start telling me what the hell is going on, starting with the fuck is wrong with Xander and why the hell is he pissed off at you," Angel said softly with a definite undertone of menace in his voice.

Buffy nodded her head in acquiesce and gathered her things as Lorne stormed up to their table.

"You...you...you BITCH!" He snarled, "You get the hell out of my club and don't you EVER step your skanky ass in my club again!"

Angel was startled, "Lorne, what the hell is your problem," he drew Buffy behind him, having never seen Lorne so enraged before.

"Ask your little bitch friend," Lorne said his voice growing quieter, "I meant what I said, Angel, you come here again with her, you won't be admitted." With that he stalked away and took the stage himself, trying to get rid of the anger and hostility he felt.

Angel stared after him, before saying without looking down at the shaken Buffy, "Buffy, when we get to the hotel, you better start talking fast."


They rode in tense silence back to the hotel and as Angel opened the door for Buffy, they stopped abruptly at the sight of Xander leaning against the countertop, talking quietly to Fred and Gunn.

"Yo, Angel, Xan here was just telling us about your less than glorious hero days in Sunnydale," Gunn called out cheerfully, his smile dying as he saw the tense faces on Angel, Buffy and Xander.

"Gunn, Fred could you guys excuse us for a bit," Angel said quietly, gently pushing Buffy into the hotel.

"Uhm sure, if you need help, we're just upstairs," Gunn said quietly, his eyes narrowing at the cold dark expression that was now on Xander's face as he looked at Buffy.

He sighed, damn, but he just knew that little white girl was gonna be trouble.

He tugged Fred up the stairs quickly, leaving the three people downstairs staring at each other.

"Now, would either of you mind telling me what the hell is going on," Angel said quietly.

Xander gave Buffy a mocking smile, noticing the ring absent on her finger, "Oh please, ladies first."

Buffy started crying, huge gulping sobs as she tried to apologize, "God Xander, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you with any of this," she sobbed out.

"Save your damn tears for the next dumbass that comes along," Xander snarled savagely, pacing angrily.

Angel said sharply, "Look Xander, whatever your problem is with Buffy, you have no need to speak to her like that!"

Xander paused and gave him a cold look, "I will speak to my fiancee any damn way I please."

"Fiancee," Angel blinked, looking between Xander and the sobbing Buffy.

"Let me guess," Xander began sarcastically, "She said that she was still single and still available, I'm sure."

Angel just stood there in silence looking between the obviously angry Xander and the crying Buffy. He could smell the pain both were exuding.

"For almost seven months you've been sneaking behind my back to see him," Xander whispered, bewildered pain on his face as he collapsed in a chair, "Seven months, Buffy! And you didn't say a damn thing," he said quietly, looking down at the floor, feeling dead inside.

"I..I..don't...kn..know what...else to...say...but I'm...sorry," Buffy hiccuped between fresh tears as Angel stood bewilderedly at her side.

"Buffy, why didn't you just tell me," he heard Xander whisper to the floor.

"I...tried...but the...words wouldn't...come out," Buffy hiccuped, wiping at her eyes, feeling fresh tears leaking from her eyes. She never wanted to hurt him, he had always been there for her, loving her, supporting her. She couldn't imagine her life without him. If it wasn't for him she wouldn't even have a life.

"You didn't try hard enough," Xander said quietly, "Lying to me, lying to Dawn...you lied to everyone that cares about you. Sweet lies all wrapped up in a pretty bow," Xander looked up and she flinched at the look in his eye.

Xander got to his feet and walked towards her, stopping when he was within touching distance.

He raised his hand and Angel made a sharp movement to him, but was stopped by Buffy's arm. Xander switched his attention to him, a dark look on his face.

"It's okay," she told Angel, "Let him hit me, get it out of his system. God knows I deserve it," she said quietly looking up at Xander.

At her words, Xander's face softened and the dark look disappeared from his eye, "Hit you? Do you honestly think that I would hit you?" he whispered softly, finishing the motion of his hand, stroking her cheek gently wiping away her tears.

He leaned forward and brushed his cheek softly against her face.

And Angel heard Xander's quiet words, "You are dead to me."

Straightening up Xander walked out the doors, leaving Buffy white faced and stunned, fresh tears welling in her eyes.

Angel sighed and drew her into his arms, stroking her hair softly.

"Shhh, Buffy...it's okay. You know that despite what he said that you two will be friends again. Shhhh, it's gonna be alright," he rocked her gently in his arms.

"No, it won't," she sobbed, "Not after this, he had to know, but not like this."

"What did he have to know," Angel said quietly, stroking her hair and feeling her calming down.

Buffy pulled back and looked up at him, "He had to know about us and…," she faltered to a stop at the look in his eyes and the rigid tension in his arms.

"Angel?" she pleaded softly at the look in his eyes.

Angel blinked and closed his eyes, "Buffy, let me get this straight. You were engaged to be married to Xander, but decided to not to because you think that there is an US?!" He opened his eyes to look incredulously down at her.

Buffy began backing away, "Angel, please don't joke about this! You love me, I know you do, just like I love you," she stammered.

"Buffy, I will always love you, but I'm not *in* love with you any longer. I haven't been in love with you for years. I've moved on with my life and stopped wallowing in the past," Angel ran a frustrated hand through his hair, of all the fucked up things, this had to happen.

He knew that she was still interested in him, but he tried to ignore it introducing her to numerous men. The scent that he would smell on her often teased his senses with aching familiarity but he just couldn't put a face to the scent and it was driving him wild.

"Angel please," Buffy begged, "You love me, I can see it in your ideas." And at Angel’s slow regretful shake of his head, her hand went to her mouth in horror.

"Oh God, what have I done," she whispered to herself. "I have to find him! I have to find Xander," she cried and ran for the door.

"Buffy wait! You can't go running around the streets of L.A. like this," Angel said sharply grabbing her. "Look, let me run you back to your hotel and I'll look for him, okay?"

"NO! I have to find him, to apologize," Buffy yelled pulling furiously at her arm.

"Buffy, think!" Angel shouted, "Do you honestly think he would be willing to listen to you right now," he finished sharply, shaking her a little.

"You promise you'll find him," Buffy sniffled out, her eyes red and puffy.

Angel sighed, "I'll find him."

"You'll tell him that I'm sorry," she begged as they walked out the doors to Angel's car.

"When I find him, I'll tell him," Angel promised carefully, opening the door for her.

Buffy felt a huge lump in her throat, "God, Angel I've been such a freakin' idiot, sacrificing my future for memories of the past," she said, resting her head back against the headrest as Angel drove them to her hotel.

He heard her mutter to herself, "Stupid me, always thinking I'm supposed to have some sort of storybook life."

He waited until she got into the elevator before getting back into his car and driving home, he didn't want to mention it at the time but he knew that Xander had never left the vicinity of the hotel.

Cautiously he entered, not knowing what to expect, only that Xander was a sneaky little bastard then and he had to have grown into a sunavabitch.

Sure enough there was Xander, sitting on the counter, waiting for him.

"Surprised to see me so soon," Xander said mockingly, his expression still cold and furious.

"I'm surprised by a lot of things," Angel replied quietly, staring at Xander, "Not in the least your eye. When did you lose it?"

"Why this old thing," Xander asked, gesturing airily to his eye patch, "Oh, I lost it about two years ago in the battle to close the Hellmouth," Xander said and jumped down from the counter with a baseball bat in his hand.

"Didn't Buffy tell you about how some country wanna-be preacher put his thumb in my eye, how everyone but her said they were sorry," Xander spat out, caressing the baseball bat in his hands as he stared at Angel.

Angel mutely shook his head, his eyes fixed on the wealth of pain radiating from Xander.

"No? Well it looks like good ole Buffy’s been leaving out a shitload of stuff to tell the both of us, huh Deadboy," Xander had a twisted smile on his face.

Angel remained silent under Xander's pain, so much had happened in their lives, why the hell didn't Buffy say something?! He felt a growing anger towards his erstwhile love, she could have said something, anything.

"Oh, but I forgot, you have that pesky little soul clause to worry about," Xander said maniacal cheer.

Angel stirred, "Not anymore I don't. It was permanently sealed about a year ago," he said quietly, watching Xander who froze.

"It's been permanent for over a year and you never contacted Buffy," Xander said slowly, his eye wide.

"There was no need," Angel shrugged, still keeping a wary eye on Xander, "She had her life and I had mine, I assumed that she was happy in her life as I was in mine. If she hadn't seen me coming out of work we probably would have never met up again."

Xander's lips twisted, "Yeah, what a coincidence." He looked down at the bat then placed it gently on the counter. "Here, I brought it for you."

Angel couldn't help the slight smirk on his face, "For me or on me?"

"Don't push it Deadboy," Xander’s lips curved up briefly, "I can still snatch it back."

"No, please don't," Angel said quickly, laughter flickering in his eyes, "It's wonderful, just what I've always wanted. What can I get you in return," he said. And looking at the expression of pain on Xander’s face he felt like hitting himself in the head with the bat.

"My life back," Xander whispered, and drew a quick shuddering breath feeling the sting of tears in his eye.

"She wants you back you know," Angel said softly, carefully.

"Oh, does she really," Xander said sarcastically, "Why, now that she knows that you don't want her, she wants to settle for second best? Thanks, but I've been there and I refused to play second best for anyone ever again. You know looking back over my years with her, I can't help but wonder: what the hell was I thinking?!"

Angel regarded the young man for a few seconds, marveling at the changes he could see in the mortal and he heard someone saying, "Do you have a place to stay tonight, I have plenty of rooms here," and he blinked in astonishment, realizing that it was his voice that he heard.

And maybe he should really hit himself HARD in the head with the bat, try to knock some sense into himself. Why on earth was he offering Xander a place to stay, he wondered to himself.

Xander looked startled, "Uhm, not that I should care but why are you being so nice to me," he asked suspiciously. "Cause I am NOT going back to Buffy if it's your intention of playing 'Hello Dolly' with me and Buffy."

"If I knew, trust me you'll be the second person to know the answer to that question," Angel said ruefully.

"Okay, as long as we both don't know what the hell is going on then that's fine," Xander said with a sharp nod.

Angel politely held his laughter in check, no Xander hadn't changed that much, he thought with a inward smile Xander reluctantly agreed to stay just one night and together they retrieved Xander's luggage from his rental car.

And after locking up he escorted Xander to a clean room before retiring for the night.

As he was getting ready for bed, he was still debating on whether he should call Buffy or not when the phone rang.

It was Buffy, speaking a little too fast, telling him about something big going on in Cleveland that she had to rush home to help deal with. She begged him to call her as soon as he found Xander and virtuously he did, after all, it wasn't as if Xander was lost.

Xander striped and pulled on a pair of pajamas. Padding over to the window, he stared out, Deadboy was still hiding something, he thought coldly.

There was a slight flicker of light as he turned away from the window and headed for the bed. Slipping under the covers, preparing himself for his usual night of restless sleep.

And eventually he managed to join all hotel inhabitants in slumber.



END CHAPTER 1