Title: Learning To Live

Author: Caliadragon

caliadragon@yahoo.com

Fandoms: Buffy/Angel/Highlander

Pairings: Xander/Richie Ryan, Angel/Methos, Spike/Wes and more.

Catagory: Au/Crossover

Archive: Any List I send it to and those who have previous permission.

Warnings: Character Death, Buffy and Willow bashing, Angst

Disclaimer: I own nothing and no one herein. Joss and a lot of other pretty people do.

Series: 1st in the Resurrection Series

Spoilers: Up to season 4 of Buffy and a little of Angel and Highlander. Not much though.

AN1: This is as usual completely AU. As always I never write canon so you probably shouldn't expect it. In this reality Spike is chipped, but soulless. As per usual Spike is Angel's childe not Dru's. Faith was killed during the time she was in Buffy's body. In this reality Darla was never resurrected so no Connor. Joyce never died or was even ill. Ethan and Giles are an established couple. Spike lives with then in their guest room. Also in this reality Buffy did not send Angel to hell, he sacrificed himself for the greater good. Xander found a spell to bring Angel back from hell and he did tell Buffy about the soul restoration spell. Though Willow misread the spell so there is no longer a clause. Angel told Buffy they weren't meant to be and left town after they killed the mayor.

AN2: Buffy did not die in the fight with Glory/Ben, Xander did. He was able to kill Ben, but in the process died as well. Unable to accept his death Buffy, Anya, Tara and Willow used a spell to resurrect Xander. They never bothered to dig him up and he is shattered because of it. This begins two weeks after the AU episode *Once More With Feeling.*

AN3: Buffy and Willow never told the LA crew about Glory or about Xander's death and resurrection. In this reality Angelus and Methos were lovers before he got his soul. Upon its return Angel left Methos, Dru and Spike. Pylea never happened so no Fred. Doyle is still alive and is Oz's lover. Lindsey works for the Powers now. Cordy does get visions and is a half demon. Doyle infected her with the visions while in the middle of a vision.

Summary: Xander and Spike go to LA to pick up some information for Giles and Cordy keeps them.

* represents dreams // represents flashbacks

I gave you everything
I gave you trust and salvation
I gave you everything that I could provide
i gave you strength to stand and you shoved me down
chorus:
I know you want me to love you
But all you ever do is bring me down
Won't you go away forever
I felt the world of pain
Brought to the water then left me dry
Took the drug from the user
Took all my strength to run then shoved me down
chorus
It's kinda freaky just to see you crawl
And all you can do it stare
I know you're tripping
While I kick you to the curb
Like you kicked me
chorus


*His eyes flew open and he gasped. Stuck in the dark he clawed, punched and screamed. Muffled sounds from above and then a hand punching inward pulling him from the smothering darkness.*

Xander sat up screaming and sobbing, looking around him in frightened confusion. His eyes were drawn to the lamp beside the bed. Wretching sobs tore from him s he rocked himself and used the light to center himself in the present.

After a few minutes he was able to gain control of himself. Taking deep breaths and to control the convulsive shivers racking his body. Once he was in control again he looked over at the clock and cursed. It was only 9:30 pm. He had only slept for a few hours.

Cursing magic and nightmares in in general he climbed out of bed and left his room. When he reached the bathroom he ignored the mirror and went straight to the shower. He hadn't looked at a mirror since his resurrection and it showed. His hair was shoulder length and hung in a jumble around his head and shoulders. He had a shaggy and un kept beard.

Stepping into the shower he turned the water onto blistering hot and scrubbed at his skin in hopes that the dirty, gritty feeling that accompanied his nightmare would go away. Pain lanced through his chest as he remembered the nightmare and thought of the four women who were responsible for it.

Any a who he had loved enough to want to marry at one point. Tara, the newest and most welcome member of his life. Willow and Buffy, his best friends in the world. They couldn't accept his death so they brought him back. They told him they didn't want to lose him, but they did anyway.

Anya had tried to understand why he couldn't bring himself to touch her or tell her he loved her anymore. In the end though the truth came out and she left town. Tara was sorry that she had helped to cause him pain. they were the only two that were sorry.

Willow and Buffy were bitter about the fact that he couldn't be in their presence for more than a few minutes with out panicking and leaving. He tried to let it go, but in the end it just hurt to much to be around them and their attitudes made it no easier.

Maybe things would have gone back to normal, but Buffy had inadvertantly called forth a singing demon and the truth of how he felt and what they had done came out. The truth had frozen Buffy in her place and Spike had ended up being the one to save them. Save him. Xander smiled slightly at the thought of the vampire. Spike seemed to spend a lot of time saving him recently.

Buffy and Willow had not taken his friendship with Spike well and had taken to hurting the vampire whenever they thought they could get away with it. They were not the women he remembered and loved at one time. Or maybe they were and he was finally seeing the truth about them.

Xander sighed and finished his shower. As he climbed out he ignored looking into the mirror again and quickly dried off. He left the bathroom and went to his room and the closet. He tried not to be releaved when he saw the spaces in the closet were Anya's cloths used to hang. The day after the demon had been defeated Anya had packed up her things and left town. She had told him that she still loved him, but that she understood why he couldn't love her anymore.

He pushed away the disturbing memories and dressed, he was going to go to Giles house early. Maybe he could talk Spike into leaving early for LA. Giles needed them to go and get some books from Angel. After he finished dressing, he grabbed his duffle and left the bedroom. Moving swiftly he gathered up his wallet and keys and left the apartment.

Chapter 2

Took all my strength to run then shoved me down

Xander drove to Giles' place in a state of suspended shock. It seemed that it was the only feeling he had lately. Shock and numbness were what was getting him through. There were times when he knew that he was losing control. Spike was the only one his mind would settle on totally. Joyce, Giles and Ethan were making things easier as well.

Unfortunately Buffy and Willow seemed to be getting more aggressive as the days went on. Buffy had always picked on, and at, Spike. She threatened and manhandled him constantly, but now Willow had taken to abusing the blond vampire as well. Xander couldn't understand why the girls were acting the way that they were.

He was glad that Giles needed them to go get the books from Angel. Giles had actually only needed him to go, but had agreed that the vampire was the best companion for him. Spike had jumped at the chance to go see his Sire and give him a hard time.

Within minutes he reached Giles' house and sat staring at it, trying to will himself to get out of the car. He knew he should be watching for beasties, but he was too tired and too heart-sick to care.

Spike watched his human from behind partly drawn curtains. He cursed silently as the boy just sat in the car as though there was nothing lurking in the dark that could eat him. Xander no longer cared about the dangers of the Hellmouth. Nor did he care about anything else. They were all beginning to panic. Added to the girls' strange behavior, it made for some very tense moments.

It had been Giles' idea to get the boy out of Sunnydale, but Spike didn't really think the cheerleader would be the one to bring the boy out of his depression. If Xander couldn't bring himself to yell at the girls here, Spike doubted he'd yell at the cheerleader for not coming back for his funeral.

Spike had to resist th e urge to vamp out as he remembered what happened the night after Xander's funeral.

\\Flashback//

Spike lurched drunkenly through the tombstones, heading to the place where his prezzie lay buried. Tears of rage and sorrow filled the vampire's crystal blue eyes. His demon wanted to howl out its rage. The boy was his, the first and last present presented to him by his Sire. It didn't matter to him that it had been a trap. Spike snikered slightly. He wondered what the Scoobies would do if they knew that it was not part of the plan. Angel had really given the boy to him.

The curse had already begun to wear off by that time. Angel had wanted the boy then, to eat and to fuck. Spike sniffled again as he thought of his Sire. Gone, all gone. His boy and his Sire. Growling and close to howling out his pain to the world, he watched as Buffy, Willow, Tara and Anya stumbled away from the boy's grave, crying.

Spike stumbled closer and glared at them. "What the fuck you doin' here?" he slurred, gaining their attention.

Anya turned to look at the drunk vampire and glared at him. Anya always felt threatened by Spike. No matter what they said, Spike was the only other competition for Xander's attention when he was alive. The pair had a strange sort of friendship and she was confused by it. Anya hated being confused.

"We did a spell to bring Xander back, but it didn't work," the former demon told him, before all four women turned their back on the grieving vampire and left the cemetery.

For several moments Spike did nothing. He could only stare stupidly after the retreating girls. Then, what the demon bint had said penetrated his consciousness. A feeling of horror ran through him and he stepped around the marker. His howl of rage echoed through the night, and a nearby group of fledges ran for safety. They knew that sound meant death.

Spike dropped to his knees and began to frantically dig at the gr ound. Ripping and snarling as he desperately tried to reach the coffin, and the body inside. He prayed that the spell had failed. The boy would have been in paradise, he knew he would have. If they brought him back and left him in the ground he would have to dig himself out,suffocate.

Panic lent strength and speed to the vampire's already enhanced abilities, and within minutes he had dug through to the coffin and punched through the wood. He could hear ragged shrieks as the boy clung to his hand.

\\End of Flashback//

Spike had never forgotten those screams nor would he, ever. He hated them for what they had done to his boy. If he ever got the chance he would bite them, and leave them to bleed to death. He wouldn't foul himself by drinking their blood.

"Is he here?" Giles asked from behind him. Spike nodded, but didn't turn away from the window and his watching of Xander. The boy was just now getting out of the car, and not once did he look around him to check for danger. A low growl rumbled from the vampire and caused both Giles and Ethan to look at one another with worry.

No-one had failed to notice how the vampire had seemed to adopt Xander, and their relationship was getting very close to the Sire/Childe bond. Neither of the men were really worried about this. They had expected it after Spike carried Xander into the house the night of his resurrection. Both men quickly pushed that memory away. That night had held too many horrors to remember without rage trying to overtake them. Spike was already opening the door before Xander could even knock. At Xander's exasperated look, the vampire gave him a cheeky grin and pulled him into the house by his shirt front. Dragging him through the foyer, he led the boy to a chair and pushed him into it.

"I'll be right back - don't move," Spike told him, as he quickly spun on his heel and left the room. Xander and the two Englishmen shared amused smiles, and Xander settled back to wait for Spike.

Ethan looked at Xander and felt different emotions roll through him. It was obvious that Xander was still not resting well and that he was beginning to fall ill. The boy's eyes lacked the life and fire that Ethan could remember from all the times they had fought each other, and others side by side. He truly hoped that Giles was right and that the girls never told Cordy about Xander's death. If not, seeing the former cheerleader might destroy the fragile boy.

Part 3

Cordelia looked up when the front doors of the Hyperion opened. When Xander walked through the door a happy smile lit her face. "Xander!" she squealed and hurried to him.

Then came to an abrupt stop at the sight of him. Closer up she could see wariness and confusion in his eyes. Added to his unkept state and obv ious exhaustion it was enough to make Cordy growl.

"What the fuck is wrong with Xander, Spike?" she spat out.

"You mean, other than the fact that he died, was buried, resurrected and had to dig his way out of his own grave? Maybe he's upset that you couldn't be bothered to attend his funeral or come and check on him since those stupid bitches brought him back!" Spike roared angrily.

Angel, Gunn, Doyle and Oz all came running into the lobby. Behind them Methos and Richie were braced for an attack. They were all confused by the sight of Cordy facing off with a bleached blond and a pretty, brunette boy.

"What the fuck are you talking about, Blondie? Since when did Xander die? He's right in front of me?" Cordy yelled back.

"Did ya not just hear me? The bitches brought him back from the dead!" Spike bellowed.

Xander covered his ears and began to keen in distress. He started to collapse, unable to handle the yelling between the pair. Spike growled and felt guilt pierce him at the boy's reaction to the yelling.

Since his resurrection he had been unable to handle loud noises. "Easy, Pet, I'm sorry. It's okay, no more yelling, I promise," Spike said softly. He eased Xander's hands down away from his ears and pulled him gently into his arms. Without pause he lead the distraught boy over to one of the chairs and sat him down in it.

Cordy followed behind them; she was furious and wanted answers. There was something wrong with her Xander and someone was going to pay for it.

"Tell me what the hell is going on," she ordered in a quiet voice.

Spike looked up at her and then gaped in astonsihment at the sight of the man beside his Sire. "Oi, Sire, I thought Darla ate him!" Spike exclaimed.

"She did, I got better. Hello, William. I believe you were going to explain to us what is wrong with the boy," Methos told him calmly.

Spike stared at him for a moment, then began to explain all that had happened. By the time he got to the part about Xander trying to claw his face off he had vamped out and Cordy was snarling.

She suddenly surged to her feet and walked to the phone. The others all shared looks of confusion, well, everyone but Xander. "Giles, it's Cordelia. I'm going to send those books to you with the crew that Angel's going to send to get Xander and Spike's things. No. They don't have a say. Xander's staying here and the bleached menace is part of the package. Yes. Yes, that would be great. Expect them around 8 tomorrow night. Oh, give Bitchie and Witchie a message for me. Tell them if they come anywhere near Xander or Spike I'll show them just how bad that idea is. They'll meet some of the people we call allies. Thanks, Giles, I'll tell them. Bye." She hung up the phone and turned to face the group.

"Spike, take Xander up to the third floor and to the fourth room on the left. It's the c leanest and the quietest room in the whole hotel. It's a suite so you can claim one of the rooms. Wes, you and Richie go with him and grab linens on the way. The best, and make sure they have towels. Angel, get on the phone and call in the crew you had move me over here. I want them in Sunnyhell by 8 tomorrow night to get Xander and Spike's things. Oz, call Lorne and explain the situation to him. Tell him we need a barber as well. Someone that can be trusted and can be quiet." When no one moved to follow her orders she growled, "MOVE!"

The men all scrambled to do as she ordered or to get out of her way. With a grunt she turned and grabbed the key to the room she was putting the pair into, and led the way up the stairs. If she ever got the chance she was going to smack those bitches Buffy and Willow down.

The next night Lorne and his friend came to see to Xander. The Host was nea rly driven to his knees by the shame and pain coming off of the boy. For the first time in their memory the Host became angry. Looking at Cordelia he nodded. "I can see what you mean, dear. The poor boy has been nearly destroyed by them. It's going to take a lot of work and a whole lot of love to help him heal."

Cordy sighed, she had been afraid of that. Since Xander had come downstairs he had barely spoken and had drifted away several times. She was really worried about her ex. This was not the Xander she knew. The boy she knew was not quiet and he was not so somber. She just hoped that they would be able to help him heal.

Part 4

chorus

Xander was lying on his side, staring at nothing. The AI investigators had gone out to deal with a vampire nest, leaving Cordy and himself in the office. Xander didn't know how to explain to them just why he was so upset. It wasn't just that he had been ripped from heaven. Nor was it the strange cruelty that the girls seemed to be showing. It was the darkness he had come back to. It was the feeling that he would never be clean enough. Never be free again.

When he was in heaven he had felt loved and free for the first time in his life. All the shame he had carried around, the secrets he had kept about his home life, none of that had mattered in heaven. Now, though, he was forced back to earth, and all the shame and savagery that he had hidden was back, stronger than ever.

That was why he couldn't touch Anya any more. It was why he couldn't look at himself in the mirror. While he had been in heaven he had been reunited with Jesse. In that small amount of time he had lived and loved enough for a lifetime. Now all that was gone.

He was ashamed of himself for not being able to forgive the girls and for wanting to burrow into Spike and keep him at his side. Xander couldn't bring himself to use the vampire that way and was ashamed of wanting to do so in the first place. He was u nsure whether he would ever feel anything else in his life again.

Cordelia was watching Xander and was trying not to lose her temper. This wasn't her Xander. The boy she knew didn't do nothing. He didn't brood and he always had a joke or a smile. Cordy had always hated Willow. She had destroyed any chance that Xander ever had at happiness, every time. Cordy could admit that she had been a bitch in highschool, hell even before highschool. She had never pretended to be anything else, but Willow passed herself off as sweet and innocent.

That was why Cordy hated her. She lied about who and what she was. Willow wouldn't admit to the lust spell until it was almost too late for Xander and herself to stay friends. There were so many cruel things said after their breakup, and Cordy could admit that most of them were on her side. Xander, though, had forgiven her and loved her through it all. Walking over to him, she sat on the table in front of him.

Xander looked up at Cordy and wondered what she wanted. "Talk to me, Xander, tell me what you're thinking," she ordered gently.

Xander looked down at the ground then back up to Cordelia. At first he was just going to brush her off, then he remembered that it was him she called after the demon pregnancy. So he did the hardest thing he had ever done in his life. He told her what was haunting him.

When the fighters came back, later that night, they were stunned by what they found. Cordy and Xander were sitting in the middle of the lobby. All around them were take out boxes of pizza and chinese. The small TV Cordy kept there was on and Xander was clean shaven. What was the most shocking was that Xander was laughing.

The scent of despair that had clung to the boy was gone. Even his fac e seemed younger. The pair turned to face them and they both grinned at the dusty group. "Have fun, blondie?" Xander asked teasingly.

Spike wanted to crow with happiness. There was laughter in the boy's eyes. Spike felt a smile cross his face as he made his way over to the two children. "I certainly did. Death and mayhem everywhere. It was a beautiful sight."

The two laughed at him before scooting over to make room for him. Angel and the others walked over cautiously. Cordy grinned at them and turned back to their movie. "You know what this movie needs, Xan?" she asked as the others settled.

"Popcorn, so you throw it at the screen?" Xander guessed.

"Definitely. You can't watch a cheesy flick without popcorn to throw at the screen," Cordy said. Spike gulped when the two brunettes turned to him and Angel.

"Would you pop us some popcorn when you get your blood?" Xander asked, both of them using puppy dog eyes.

"Gah! Sto p, we'll do it! Come on, Spike," Angel said as he surged to his feet. Anything to stop the puppy dog eyes. They even made Angelus feel guilty!

The two teens snickered as the vampires left. Wes laughed at the retreating pair. Methos was biting his lip to keep from laughing at his lover while the others openly laughed.

Richie looked at the two lying side by side and felt jealousy fill him. He had no possible chance of getting Xander to go out with him. There was no way he could compete with Cordelia. He had been asking Spike, Oz and Wes about him and learned that while Xander dated women exclusively, all three men thought he was bi. But all three also agreed that they never believed that Xander and Cordy had got over one another.

Gunn was thinking along the same lines. Only in his case it was Cordy he was thinking about. He had fallen hard for the girl. She was tough, in your face and never backed down in any situation. Just the kind of girl Gunn had always wanted. She had even gained the respect of his crew, as well as their fear. It was a well known fact that they would all rather deal with a vampire weaponless than go up against a pissed off Cordy.

From what he had been told, the only person who had never been intimidated by her was Xander. Of course, he had also heard stories about some of the things Xander had stood up against, and wondered if the boy were really human.

When the vampires returned, the teens proceeded to do exactly as they said they were going to do. In the process they entertained everyone in the room. Every time a corny line was spoken or a villain cackled, they threw popcorn at the screen and booed the speaker.

"If we had done this when we were dating we would probably still be together," Cordy told Xander.

"True, but then you never would have gotten out of Sunnyhell, so this is better," Xander countered.

"True. You know, Xander, if you'r e going to be gay now you're gonna need a better wardrobe," Cordy told him.

The others gaped at the pair in stunned silence. "What's wrong with my wardrobe?" Xander asked indignantly.

"Hello, the reasons vampires and demons came after you on the hellmouth was because of your shirts. They just scream demonic possession," Cordy said scornfully.

That made everyone laugh. Xander rolled his eyes. "All right, but no leather. I don't have the personality or the body to pull it off."

Cordy grinned in triumph. "No leather," she agreed.

Spike shook his head and thought, briefly, that his unlife was going to be a lot more interesting. Between Xander and the Princess, LA didn't stand a chance. For that matter, neither did his Sire. All in all, Spike was glad about the move to LA.

The End.