Title: Long Life

Series: What Dreams May Come 7

Author: Xandria

Fandom: BTVS Highlander and Star Trek

Summary: Xander's memories come back to haunt him.

Archive: Go for it, just let me know where.

Note: Angsty Xander competes strongly with both Angel and Duncan for the Broodboy awards. He has a lot of issues.

Rating: NC 17+

Feedback: Does the Colonel serve chicken? Does Maccas serve beef? No wait...

Spoilers: Lovers Walk Any of season one of Voyager.

Note: I am not sure in the timeline when the Maquis first started up, but in my story they have been around for approximately two years in this story.

Warning: Xander is mentally breaking down, so I have attempted to show that.

Disclaimer: They ain't mine, they were never mine, but the plot is mine and if you try to rip it off I will send my attack squad of rabid teletubbies (who I also don't own), and my flock of Outer Mongolian Vampire Skunks (who I do own) after you!

Thanks Thanks to Lady X for betaing.

Date: 20/12/99

By Xandria

Alex Rosenburg: Personal Log

One year on in the Delta Quadrant we met this alien that caused most of us on the ship to relive something with the most emotional impact on us. It could have been family, a fantasy or something else. With me, four centuries of suppressed memories came out and I relived the low points.

I have always run away from them, bottled them up, joked about it, anything to hide from the pain. But I relived killing Jesse, camping out at Xmas to get away from the abuse, being rejected by Buffy, and then there was Spike. There are many bad memories centred around him.

Spike likes to hunt, so sometimes he'd let me go. Other times I got away by myself. Demons like torture too and he can do things to me he couldn't even do to another vampire. Maybe that was to put me off the idea of ever using a stake.

I'm glad he likes the Quickening, it's another reason not to keep me locked away. But there have been times, months, when I've seen no one but him, shut away underground. But he always had me train, whatever else he did to me. He doesn't want me to die that way. He wants to be the only one who can hurt me.

Because of this Bothan deal I can't sleep without help, my memories haunt me in my dreams. So, I could drug myself senseless, kill myself or drink. Strangely enough with my family history, I decided to drink.

My stomach's upset all the time too. Is it possible for an immortal to get an ulcer? Anyway, I cant' eat at the moment either. Well, I can, but it doesn't stay there.

And I was confused anyway. For a while now I've been training Tom, under the guise of exercise. This upset Chakotay, cause this is what we always did together. But he didn't have as much time anyway, and I always trained with him when he was free. I'm beginning to get these feelings, for Tom. And Chakotay as well. He was a father figure but now he's changed, or maybe I have.

I've never been with anyone but Spike, I didn't dare. Sometimes he thought it was fun for one of his minions to have me, but he always killed them after. And it's not as if I had a choice in prison either.

So there you go. A four century old immortal who doesn't know what to do. I don't think stealing kisses with Willow or Cordelia before Spike first killed me really counts, anyway.

My work performance in the last month or so has been bad. I'm turning up late for my shift and I'm not doing well at all in my duties. As for my friends, I have avoided them all, I don't want to talk to anyone, even Chakotay. One time Ayala dragged me out to the mess for lunch, but I just sat there and brooded, drinking a coffee. Caffeine's the only thing staying down.

I now have to see Chakotay in his official capacity, as a counsellor and first officer.

End log.

I groaned and stumbled into the shower when I got up. I just leant against the wall and let the water pound me, relaxing the muscles in my back. And I nearly fell asleep right there. Would a good massage help me sleep? Probably, but it wouldn't stop the nightmares. The water suddenly turned cold so I got out, wandering into my bedroom with a towel round my waist to dress.

Chakotay sat on my bed. Oh boy.

"What are you doing here?"

"I thought it would be easier to start this over breakfast. What on earth have you been doing to lose so much weight!?" He exclaimed, looking at my body. I smiled, weakly.

"Just call me Ann."

"That's sick."

"Yeah. Anyway, I'm not hungry." He jumped up and started to pace.

"Look, I'm worried about you, we all are. And I remember you acted like this four years ago and when I got you out of prison. You don't eat, you have nightmares and you sulk. But you usually get over it in a week or so." I stared at him. Did I really have a habit of doing that? Why didn't I remember it then?

"Look, get dressed and we'll talk." He went to pat me on the shoulder and I flinched. I was already on edge enough without unexpected touches. Especially with the way I'm beginning to feel about him. Frowning in bewilderment he went into the living area while I put some clothes on.

"Okay, lets do it." I flopped down beside him on the couch.

"First, you have to actually tell me something about your life."

"I have!"

"Not really. You were adopted, you're not entirely human and you have great strength and skills in espionage. And you look eighteen even though I know for a fact you must be at least thirty by now."

I stared at him. But what could I say? I'm four centuries old and am part vampire with the remnants of a hyena spirit and a soldier inside?

That would get me sent to the doc real quick, then confinement to my quarters for the next seventy years. I could tell him about fighting vampires and demons and get the same. I know what I could tell him.

"I guess I'm just not in the habit, but if I can tell anyone it's you. I'm used to having to hide a lot. My adoptive parents weren't nice, they drank and it got worse. Then I met my father."

"Is he who you're running from?" I stared at him. I'm doing that a lot this conversation. I stood up and started to pace.

"Yes. My father. I can't get away from him. I try and he finds me just when I think it's going to be okay. You know how I've travelled a lot? It's been to get away. And when he finds me he makes me pay. And sometimes he's nice and sometimes he isn't but he's different every time. I haven't had a full night's sleep since the Bothan thing. And when I'm awake I can't suppress the memories anymore…"

"Alex…"

"And I can't eat either…"

"Alex…"

"Well I can but it doesn't stay down. What am I gonna do?!"

"Alex…"

"I'm going nuts, I know I am! All I can think of is him and the things he has done and …" Suddenly arms are around me. I flinch and scream, then I start to cry, sobbing on my friend's shoulder. He's been there for me and is more of a father to me than my own ever were. But now there's more than that. I think. I don't know. I haven't dared to feel like this for centuries. He runs his hands up and down my back, soothing me and I begin to calm down.

"It's alright, Alex, this is a good start. Now I know a little more maybe we can do something. And I bet you feel better for finally saying something. At least the sick bastard's not here and can't get to you."

"Why cant I just shut it away anymore?"

"It's not healthy to do that anyway. You're not a Vulcan and shouldn't try to act like one. If you do it'll keep coming out like this has now and like it did four years ago and like it did after Cardassia. Look, wash your face and we'll go get some breakfast."

"I feel better but I'm still not hungry."

"You don't have a choice, Alex. I'm going to make you eat. Or we could always go to the Doctor and see if he has a suggestion." Ugh.

"Alright, I'll eat."

"Food. Not coffee. And you'll talk too." I smiled. He is a real good friend to me.

"Do you think I could look for my spirit animal? "

"It would help." Well, I hope so. I'm actually beginning to feel a little hungry. Maybe all I needed was a good cry.

One month later.

I was in the cemetery, fighting beside Buffy, Giles and the other Slayerettes. A group of vamps surrounded us but we were holding our own. One of them jumped me but I dusted it easily. To my side, Buffy fought another two while beyond her Giles and Willow chanted a spell to close the gateway to Hell that was opening.

More vamps went to attack them so I ran forward to protect Giles while Oz covered Willow. Then the vampires all disappeared and Giles and Willow stopped chanting. With a hollow boom, the Hellmouth closed and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Yes! We did it guys! Let's Bronze! Guys?" I turned around to look at them to see them staring at me accusingly as they aged before my eyes, then rotted away where they stood.

As I stared at where they had been I felt the buzz of another immortal. Turning, I held up my sword and prepared to defend myself. Without a word he leapt at me, his sword aimed at my neck. Our swords clashed as I fended him off and the battle began. I finally found an opening and swung, cutting his head off. Then the lightening flashed as the Quickening took me. I yelled in exultation and shook my fists in the air.

"Nice little fight." I turned a third time to see Spike leaning against a headstone and I froze. He started walking towards me and I backed away, holding my sword up in front of me.

"Oh no you don't." he grabbed the sword with one hand and the back of my neck with the other, holding me against the blade.

"Do it!" I hissed. He laughed then and tossed the sword away, then moved his hand to my waist to pull me closer.

"You don't get out of it so easy mate." He kissed me, hard, his tongue invading my mouth. My hands hung at my sides and my knees buckled as it went on and on and I began to get dizzy from the lack of air. He always kissed me like that, until I clutched him to keep standing.

Then he lifted his head up and his face changed to the demon's smile before he lowered it again, to my throat this time. And he ripped it open, beginning to drink. I felt the blood draining out of me and watched the darkness get closer...

I woke up with a yell, heart pounding. How long do I have to put up with this? I ran to the bathroom and got rid of dinner. Looking at the time I saw it was only 0400. Dressing I went to an observation lounge and stared out at the stars. They were all blurry and I realised I was crying again. I promised, but maybe one drink?

I got the replicator to make up a bottle of vodka and stared at it. This sucked, big time. Finally, I commed him.

"Uh? Ch...Chakotay here."

"I need help. Can I come over?"

"Alex? Yeah, come over. Problems?"

"And more." I got there five minutes later. Those crewmembers walking about looked at me funny and I realised I still had the bottle of vodka and I was still crying. Arriving at his door, I pressed the button and waited.

"What am I going to do with you?" he sighed when he saw the bottle.

"I can't take it anymore. Something's gotta give and I think it's me!"

"Alex, what do you see?"

"My friends dying. Killing. Blood." I shivered and dropped the bottle. It smashed on the floor and I screamed.

=end Long Life=