Title: LIFE AFTER 2--- Of Nightmares and Dreamscapes and Knowing Ourselves

by BuffyAngel68

e-mail: buffyangel68@yahoo.com

Rating: Definite NC-17.

Pairing: m/m Giles/Xander Wes/Spike No strong violence to speak of, but hot and heavy bedroom stuff and a few bad words.

Category :Angst/Romance (At least a one hanky, maybe two in some little places)

Spoilers: Only "The Gift", end epi. of last WB season.

Attribution: Joss Whedon, holy lord of all creative, intelligent minds, (may we worship him always!) owns these four, not me. Wish I did. Yada-Yada-Yada- not making money- will return them in a much happier state than I found them, emotionally and otherwise

Timeline: Sometime in the summer between " The Gift" and 2001 season start.

Why?: My desperate itch to see Giles have someone to care about him and an intense dislike of the Xander/Anya pairing. (Don't go jumping all over me, now! You know as well as I do that greedy, self-involved harpy will never make him happy!)

P.S.: Sorry, for those of you who liked the first part and are wondering when Buffy's arriving, she's not. My story-track is much kinder to her than the show's was. A new Chosen may show up in later additions, maybe not. I have other wild and evil ideas running around my head! BTW: if you did like it, tell me goldarn it! I need feedback please!

Life After 2--- Of Nightmares and Dreamscapes and Knowing Ourselves

by BuffyAngel68

EARLY TUESDAY MORNING, THE FOLLOWING WEEK

Drenched in sweat, trembling violently, Xander Harris lay beside his girlfriend Anya, praying she had not been disturbed by his abrupt awakening. When she stirred and laid a hand over his, he tossed out a mild mental curse for her sensitivity to his every shift of mood and turned slightly to face her.

"I'm okay. Go back to sleep, An."

"I thought we agreed not to lie to each other. You are not alright. It was that nightmare again, wasn't it?"

Xander hesitated, then sighed and told her what he had told her in the past, despite knowing he was lying to her and despite knowing what he would have to endure when she found out.

"Yeah, but it was no clearer than last time, so let's not do this. Please?"

"That's the fourth time in a week you've had this nightmare, Xander. There's more to this than you're telling me."

Xander's expression hardened the tiniest bit as he swung his legs out of bed, rose to his feet and grabbed his robe.

"It's over, I'm fine now and I have to get ready for work. I'll start the coffee."

"Xander, please don't shut me out like this. I'm scared for you.... and I don't like being scared. You know it irritates me." A second, more explosive and frustrated sigh came from Xander, but he did not turn back to look at the redhead behind him

"If I could tell you anything more about this nigh.... dream, I would. I haven't had it for a long time. I don't know why it's suddenly back. I don't know what it means. Drop it, okay?"

Forestalling any further argument, Xander stalked out of the bedroom and down to the kitchen, still shaken by the images that, despite his protestations to Anya, he believed he understood all too well.


THAT EVENING: THE GILES HOME

"Excellent. Three days, then. Yes. I look forward to it. I was planning on Friday night to Monday morning. Around.... seven? No, thank you, Xander. I appreciate you making the time. I won't guarantee a.... a blast, but I will try. Goodbye."

Stabbing at the cutoff button, Giles began to dial again, feeling his anxiety melt when Spike pushed his thumbs deep into the older man's shoulder and neck muscles, massaging firmly.

"So he's comin'?"

"He said so. One down, one to go." he responded as the other end of the line began to ring.

"Wyndham-Angel Investigations. How may I direct your call?"

"Cordelia? It's Giles. Is Wesley there, by any chance?"

"Hey, Giles. It's good to hear your voice! You sound great. Yeah, Wes is around here somewhere. Shoot. We don't have hold music. Hum some old Barry Manilow tune or something. I'll be back in a jiffy."

A few minutes later, Wesley picked up the phone, mumbling, at first, to Cordelia in the background.

"Cordy, please! Anything but Manilow! 70's music is nothing more than a demon no one's gotten up the fortitude to kill yet. Rupert! It's marvelous to hear from you. No further tragedies, I trust."

"No, just the opposite, actually. I think enough time has passed..... I've planned a small party. Nothing extravagant. I simply thought we might all be ready for something.... life-affirming."

"Absolutely. When?"

"Three days from tonight. Seven p.m.?"

"Wonderful. Unless we end up mired in something apocalyptic or similarly messy, I'll be there."

"Good. See you then. Plan on the weekend."

"I will. Good-bye, Rupert."

"Good-bye, Wesley."

Grinning ear to ear, Giles gazed at Spike curiously. "This is going to be a weekend for the ages."

"May be, Rupe. May be. Personally, I can't wait to watch their faces when they suss out what we're really up to. That's gonna be a laugh a minute, that is."

"Not for long, hopefully."

"Right. I'd prefer to move right on to screamin', yellin' and beggin for more."

"Me as well, sweet William. Me as well."

FRIDAY NIGHT

"You sure now? If you really want Xander that bad... it means me an' Wesley'll be..... This won't be happenin' if you ain't really sure."

"I told you, I'm positive. I'd rather share you than be puerile about it and drive you away. I'm healed completely and eager to get on, or couldn't you tell last night?" he bantered, smiling lightly at the vamp who lazed idly in one of the living room chairs, his languid posture utterly belying the ardor and excitement in his eyes every time he looked up at the older man standing by the stairs. "Shouldn't they be here by now?"

"We told 'em seven. It's only.... two minutes after. Relax."

"I'm trying. It's just.... I'm afraid they'll.... I don't know..... precisely."

Rising easily, Spike moved to stand close behind Giles. Reaching out he slipped one of the watcher's sweaty hands into his own and held it gently, running a thumb slowly up and down the side of the palm.

"Let's see. You're thinkin' they'll call us filthy minded freakaziods an' run screamin' from the house to spread our little secret all over Sunnydale and L.A.?"

Turning his gaze away from the door to focus briefly on the new and improved Spike, Giles frowned deeply.

"Quite."

"An' if they did? In the past three days you've probly tole' me a thousand plus times that you're not ashamed a'what we did..... or me."

"I'm not, that's the God's honest truth, but... I think they will be. I don't want to lose them as friends.... just because they can't accept me, accept the decision I've made not to.... deny the truth any longer."

"Hey. They didn't chuck the witches in the dustbin, did they?"

"No, but there are major differences in our situations. You and I are adults, supposed role-models. We're also male, which is a tremendous distinction for some people. What if...." Spike chuckled, wrapped his arms around Giles' midsection and spoke low and close to the other's right ear.

"What if they agree? Yer wound up so tight right now the first one to shake yer hand is gonna send you straight through the ceiling. Don't know about you, but havin' to clean up all that plaster dust an' all the busted up roof beams would throw me right outta this wonderful mood we've created."

Instantly seeing the image, Giles began to laugh, doubled over slightly within the circle of Spike's embrace, his angst level dropping to almost nothing.

"Dear Lord, you're right. Whatever will be, will be. Besides, " he said, reaching back to touch the cool skin of Spike's cheek, "I have you for the moment. Even if it can't be forever, that will be more than enough to keep me grounded, sober and sane if the rest of them all turn their backs."

"Too bloody right." Spike murmured possessively, tightening his grip a fraction as previously inconceivable ideas gained solidity in his mind, beginning to seem almost credible. {What if I wanted it forever? What if this.... peace and happiness and..... and him..... is what I really want? Damn it, damn it, damn it....}

Each man became so lost in his own mind that when the doorbell rang a moment later, both jumped, then laughed together.

"Time for you to head upstairs, mon petit chou."

"Right. Things to prepare, hidin' to get on with."

The phrasing made Giles frown again.

"That isn't it at all, you know that. I want it to be a surprise...."

"I know, luv. My bad. Shouldn't a'said it that way. See ya in ten or so, yeah?" Spike apologized, planting a light kiss in the center of the older man's forehead before moving for the stairs.

"Yes. Ten."

The doorbell had already rung twice more, leading Giles to think it had to be Xander on the other side. Opening the door confirmed his suspicion.

"Xander. Come in, please. I'm so glad you could come."

"I was thinking of calling and canceling, but.... I decided I did need a party. Wait a minute..... Where's the rock me till my ears gush blood music? Where are the blind me for life decorations and the 'how cool do I look in slow motion' strobe lights? Not even a disco ball. Giles, man, how have you not been arrested for criminal stodginess?"

Several appropriate, and Spike-like, responses floated through Giles' head, but he reigned in his new-found dubious sense of humorous sarcasm.

"Are you finished?"

"I think so."

"Thank the Lord for that. Do come in and sit. A beer?"

"Yeah. A beer would be okay. What's going on here, Giles? That was a good come-back and you never have any good come-backs."

"You'll see in a few minutes. Sit. I'll be back with...."

The bell rang a second time just then, cutting him off mid-sentence. "Hang on, alright, Xander? Wesley. It's so good to see you. It's been too long." Giles enthused quietly, embracing the other former watcher briefly. "I was about to grab a beer for Xander. Can I get you one as well?"

"Yes. That would be great." Wesley said as he moved into the living room and Giles split off to the kitchen. "Xander. How are you? We haven't talked nearly often enough lately. I've been missing our chats." Wesley tossed out as he found a chair facing Xander.

"Me too. So, how are things up in your territory? Give with all the juicy adventure stories."

"There aren't any, really. After.... well, after we returned from the funeral, Angel closed up the agency for a time. Since we re-opened, it's been slow. We did have this one repeat case recently; a young girl with an eye in the back of her head. The little twit allowed herself to be bitten and infected by the same demon for a second time..."

Wesley paused his story to thank Giles for the delivery of the beer, then continued as the other walked away. Halfway up the stairs, Giles watched Spike emerge from the bedroom and move down to meet him. Though he knew they were well out of the hearing range of the other two, he still kept his voice low.

"Is it all set, then?"

"Yeah. That inflatable bed is a bloody marvel. Only took a few seconds and it was up and ready. Sorta' like you, luv."

"Yes. Not the time for cuteness. I am far too nervous for cuteness. Shall we go let our guests in on the real reason for this little... "gathering" ?"

Slinging an arm over Giles shoulder, Spike smiled lightly at his lover and dropped a quick kiss on his nose.

"We shall, dearest. We shall."

Giles returned the smile and slid a hand into the back pocket of Spike's faded jeans and they strolled into the living room just that way, both having great difficulty in hiding their urge to laugh at the reactions of the pair already seated there. The urge lasted only until Xander's protective instinct kicked in.

Part 2

Both men rose so swiftly to their feet that the lovers had no real time to react. Xander forced himself between Spike and Giles, allowing Wesley to pull his fellow disgraced watcher away to a far corner of the room. To Spike's great surprise, the glare Xander turned on him actually drilled a tiny grain of fear into his heart and unnerved him enough that he stepped back once, then again when Xander wouldn't relent. Finally seeming satisfied, Xander moved away to check on Wes and Giles.

"Wesley, please! I'm alright."

"Has he hurt or intimidated you to make you say this?" Wesley demanded, roughly forcing Giles'; head to the side in search of marks on his neck. Giles pushed his hands away, his expression just beginning to show a touch of hurt, and walked back to where Spike stood waiting for him. When the other two moved to separate them again, a look from both Giles and Spike stopped them cold. Giles spoke then, and Xander and Wesley tabled their confusion in favor of
clarification.

"Sit. Both of you, please sit. Obviously.... we have something to tell you."

Once their guests had reclaimed their seats, Giles sat on the sofa facing them and began to explain, his courage bolstered somewhat by Spike's hands on his shoulders, but not enough to completely untangle his thoughts. "First of all, Wi... Spike is a guest in my home, as you two are and he will be treated with decorum and respect. Things have changed..... drastically. When I called you about this.... about coming for this weekend..... we'd... a few days earlier, we'd.....
Spike and I have....."

"Rupert. Spit it out." Spike encouraged gently. "Que sera sera, remember? They'll be okay with this, or they won't. It's not on us how they react."

Giles closed his eyes for a moment, sighed heavily, and began again.

"For a long time now, I've been struggling with something. I've been trying to work out my feelings on.... certain issues, but world threatening crises kept.... interrupting. On Wednesday last, Spike showed up at the door to ask a favor. I wasn't doing all that well at that moment, but that story will come later. As I was saying, he arrived and I was forced to confront everything I'd been denying for a year and a half. He... we made love. I'd never.... The thoughts had been there, as I said, but I hadn't the courage to act..... or even speak to the.... object.... objects of the thoughts."

Wesley caught the point ahead of Xander this time.

"You're speaking about Xander and I?"

"Yes... among others, but you two were the.... "main attraction" so to speak. Spike convinced me I had to tell you. That way if you caught me.... appraising?, you would know why."

Finally waking up, Xander chimed in.

"So you put this so far ahead...."

".... to give myself time to heal. I was utterly inexperienced, all fantasies and denial and never the guts to do anything about it. Spike gave me the... the guts. I'm telling you all this now because
you deserved to know.... and because I had to ask, even if all I get is disgusted looks and utter rejection."

When Xander started to speak again, his expression clearly telegraphing what he was feeling and, possibly, what he would say, Wesley halted him before he could even produce a word.

"Hang on, Xander. In a minute, alright? Ask what, Rupert?"

"Would you.... either or both of you, be willing to spend the weekend with us here..... I suppose experimenting would be the most appropriate word."

At this point, Spike spoke again, leaning closer to Giles.

"Speak straight, would ya, luv? He's got a few fantasies he wants to fulfill.... an' you figure prominently, Harris. You were right, Rupe. He sure has bulked up in the last little while, ain't he? Gotten a tad taller too. S'ppose if I'd been lookin', I woulda noticed.... I'm noticin' now...."

"Stop, will you, please? If you scare him away, I vow....."

"Him?!" Xander squeaked, "He's not the one scaring me, Giles!"

To the growing surprise of the other three, it was Wesley who, once again, stepped in to calm his younger friend.

"Xander. Take a valium. You're perfectly safe.... for the moment. Let me deal with this. It's alright."

Turning to Giles, he continued, his comment leaving the ex-watcher's jaw hanging slack. "I'm surprised it took you so long, Rupert. I thought you'd have had your first experience long ago."

"Wesley.... I.... I mean..... are you saying you're....."

"What? Me?! No! Well.... I've had one or two.... a moment only..... I never, ever went as far as...."

Spike broke in again.

"Hold up, Wes. Harris. Yer not okay with this whole concept, are ya?"

"Not in the least! I couldn't possibly be more not okay with this!"

"Make a deal with me?"

Though his every instinct screamed for him to bellow a negative response and run for his life, Xander took a grudging mental step forward, even as he shrank back into the cushions behind him when Spike came around the sofa and approached his chair.

"Go on."

"We're goin in the kitchen for some coffee an'.... negotiation. You stay here, think on why you'd be sayin no to our proposal. We'll give ya.... twenty minutes, say? If when we come back out, you've scarpered, no more will ever be said about tonight. Bargain?"

Again bucking his better judgment, Xander held a hand out and tentatively shook Spike's cool, dry one.

"Bargain."

As Wes and Giles moved for the kitchen, Spike held back a moment before following the others.

"The door's not locked. There will never be any bad feelins' or such if ya decide to go. It's up t' you. Dig into the gray matter a little an' if ya get the answer before time's up.... come join us, okay?"

"Yeah. Okay."

For the first few minutes, Xander fought his brain's continual messages to his legs demanding that they rise, run like the wind and take his body with them. Eventually, he managed to settle his mind
and his nerves enough to focus on the question he needed to think about, at which point the images from his recurring nightmare invaded his thoughts. He tried to shake them off and force them away, but was unsuccessful, gradually coming to the realization that he'd been right as to what the dream was about and that he would never be able to stay and participate in the weekend's activities, even had he wanted to.

Tears burning his cheeks, he was just about to leave when Giles, anxious to hear Xander's response, emerged from the kitchen ahead of the time limit and caught the younger man before he was able to bring his emotions under control.

"Xander? I'm very sorry. I couldn't anticipate the upset my asking you this would cause....."

"It isn't you. Look.... I have to go. I won't tell anyone, I swear."

"Don't worry yourself over that. They'd find out eventually, I'm sure. Tell me what's wrong? If it isn't my request.... what has you so distraught?"

"Nothing. I mean.... forget it, alright? I'm fine. You guys have a good weekend. Call me and tell me how it went." Xander forced out, backing away toward the door.

"Alexander. Please, stop. You've always trusted me..... I thought so at least. I've heard some of your worst fears and troubles. I couldn't stand it if I lost that faith.... the friend I was to you is
still here. That will never change just because...."

"Not this. No one would ever understand...... not even you. I can't..... it's just a dream.... maybe a memory. I.... God, why am I still standing here?" Xander mumbled, moving away, his words not
really directed at anyone but himself.

"Is it a dream.....or a memory?" Giles asked, continuing to slowly move forward.

Xander backed away again, his bag of clothes clutched tightly in one hand as he tried to maintain a buffer zone between himself and the watcher.

"I don't know, but it's not all there yet and as nasty as this little piece of it is..... I can't risk being here, doing what you..... it could bring it all back and I'd really, really prefer it stay away."

"I can help. You don't have to be involved in anything the rest of us might be doing, but stay and talk to me. Let me try...."

"Look, stop, okay? I feel like I'm being cornered."

"I'm sorry. I will. You stop as well, all right? Just until we resolve this.... one way or the other?"

"Deal."

For a long time, Giles studied Xander carefully, until he felt he knew what he should say.

"Let me ask you a question. Even after all we've seen, do you still retain some belief in a..... higher power, whatever the title or form?"

"Yeah. I mean, I guess so. If there's a hell, there has to be an.... opposite, a balance."

"Quite right. Well, I've always believed that higher power, without subverting our free will, sometimes manipulates our lives in ways that put us where we need to be, when we need to be there. He, she, whatever, guides us there so we learn what we least want to, but most need to, and were forced to face the reality we try the hardest not to see. I think that's what happened with Spike and I. Perhaps.... the time and place are right for you to recover this memory or dream, whichever it might be."

Slowly growing more curious than afraid, Xander gazed back at Giles, head tilted slightly.

"You think so, huh?"

"It's a possibility."

"I think you're a lot more selfish than I ever gave you credit for. You'd be happy to let this A-bomb memory loose on me just to get your
hands on my bod."

At first, Giles was stung by the remark, but he quickly examined his motives and responded confidently.

"No. Untrue. We all have things to face, Alexander. If you aren't ready, then I would never force you to stay and confront yours. It’s perfectly all right for you to go. I just wanted you to be sure. At some future date I would, indeed, enjoy the chance to get my hands..... and mouth on your "bod", but not if you aren’t willing. That would be tantamount to assault, and I couldn't assault a friend who wasn’t possessed by a hyena."

Satisfied that his feelings had been aired and that Xander would, at least, make his decision fully informed, Giles turned away to find the other two had slipped out of the kitchen and had been listening. He started to join them, but was called back by Xander.

"Giles."

"Yes?"

"Why do you keep calling me that?"

"What? Alexander? It is your name."

"No, it's not. I mean, it is, but no one calls me that. Even my parents call me Xander."

"It felt natural. True names have become a.... habit around here. It just came out. I am sorry."

"It doesn’t sound natural to me. Never has. I'm not a.... a leader or a conqueror."

"With a few hours and a six-pack of German beer, I’m fairly sure I could change your mind on that score, but if you'd rather..... how does Alex suit you?"

"Alex." the other repeated rolling it around on his tongue and letting it echo in his head. "I like it. Yeah, Alex is good. That'll work."

"Fine. Good-night, Alex."

Giles, Spike and Wesley moved up the stairs, leaving the child known as Xander to face the blank square of clay named Alex and decide what this man would eventually become.

Confused, Xander walked to a mirror hanging a short distance from the front door and stared into it for several minutes. When he didn't see what Giles saw, couldn’t find what the other claimed was there, he fell back on a technique a long-ago school counselor had taught him.

He closed his eyes, pictured the mirror frame blank and empty, then spoke the name of the man he was seeking. Slowly a face faded into view inside the square; a face that was his, and yet not, dominated by dark eyes that he knew well, but that also held secrets he couldn’t come close to fathoming.

When he finally opened his eyes, his shock sent him reeling backwards. Logic told him he couldn’t possibly be seeing the changes he was seeing, but logic was not ruling this moment. After taking enough time to recover his senses and confirm what the mirror seemed to be showing him, Alex grabbed the bag that surprise had caused him to drop to the hall floor, returned to the living room to leave his jacket there and moved up the stairs to join the other three.

Part 3

A.N.: Wesley's name change came out of a realization that, at least the way I've always spelled it, all three parts of his name have the letter Y in them. I started wondering if he'd made up the name to reflect his lack of confidence and habit of always questioning his motives and purpose that we saw so clearly in him when he first arrived in Sunnydale. (Why am I still here? Why hasn't someone found me out as a fraud yet? Why do I even bother? etc...) It's just my thought and I know it messes with canon, but I'm a great one for doing that....

Alex found the bedroom easily by following the voices and soft laughter. When he appeared in the doorway, all three fell silent while Giles rose and went to him, questioning the young man with his his eyes, not reaching out for the gym bag until Alex nodded slowly. As he entered the room warily and dropped to the air-bed, Giles reclaimed his space on the king-size and caught Alex up.

"Take a minute and relax, Alex. We're still talking. Nothing's happening yet."

"I see that."

"As I said earlier, William and I have gotten into the habit of using our true names. If you feel comfortable with being called Alex in an.... intimate context, that's fine, but if not...."

"No. Alex will be fine. Am I allowed to use yours too?"

"Of course. Why not?"

"I’ve always had this picture of the day I finally got pissed enough to call him William. It always ended with my head being separated from my shoulders; violently and with lots of spurting and gushing of blood."

"No worries, mate. There's much better uses for that pretty face. Be a cryin' shame to rip it up 'stead of usin' it in all the ways ya should."

Wesley’s quiet ahem broke into Spike's reverie and halted an impromptu advance on Alex's person.

"Wesley?"

"No, actually. I suppose, since truth in advertising seems to be the order of the day.... God in his heaven, I swore I'd never speak this name again. Gentlemen, may I introduce..... Michael Adams."

William sat stunned for a moment, then collapsed backwards on the bed, laughing wildly, followed swiftly by Alex. Only Rupert was able to maintain any semblance of composure, in deference to the indignation he saw blossoming in his friends expression.

"Why the change? Michael Adams is a nice, perfectly serviceable name."

"Not for a watcher! That was my thinking at the time, at least. I didn't want nice or serviceable. I wanted.... elegant and superior.... and worthy of respect."

"Pouffy!" Will roared out between gasping laughs.

"I always... thought it.... sounded like a.... Sesame Street muppet!" Alex added, finding it hard to catch his breath. Both went on guffawing until Rupert admonished them.

"That’s enough, you two. So. Shall it be Michael for this weekend?"

"Yes, but no mention of the last name, if you don't mind. Not unless bitterness, recriminations and black depression are really the mood you're looking to foster."

This statement rapidly sobered the rest, prompting Alex to speak up to lighten the mood again.

"Agreed. So, what were you all discussing when I came in?"

"Oh. Yes. I was about to tell Rupert and William about my experience in this area, which is very little. I.... I have been touched once or twice. You know how it goes; thirty twelve year olds in an all-male summer camp, stuck with only each other for eight weeks during the initial flush of puberty. One gets curious.... and rather desperate."

"Anythin' else? Like, more recent, maybe?"

"Nothing.... significant. A brief encounter in my twenties. My college flatmate got stoned out of his gourd one night and confessed he was gay. I suspect only God and my frightful judgment will ever know why I did it, but...... I allowed him to....."

"Ya gave in to a blow-job."

"Crudely put, but accurate."

"Yeah, well, sweet romantic words don’t seem to be the style 'round here. Rupert prefers soft hands and cathouse language, don’t ya ducks?"

Blushing furiously, Rupert closed his eyes as Spike caressed his cheek quickly, then began to stroke a thumb along his jawline.

"Yes. That combination has proved..... quite effective...... more so the fangs."

This statement brought the other two to swift attention.

"Relax. No bitin'. That’s the rules. I nibble the neck a little, scratch maybe, but bitin’ is strictly forbidden. To break that rule would be to break our trust an' I won't ever do that."

"Fangs have other, much more..... pleasurable purposes, that don’t involve.... the need for hydrogen peroxide or band-aids." Rupert sighed, leaning into the hand that was sliding up and down his neck and over his scalp, pushing his thick hair into unruly curves and angles.

"If I’d known we fit together like that, I woulda been after you long ago, sweets."

After watching for a few more seconds, Alex felt it was his turn to ahem.

"Excuse me. It’s a little unfair of you two to start without us." He laughed gently.

"What? Oh. Yeah, sorry. We’re still in the early stages of whatever this is gonna turn out t'be, so we get a little..... intense, I guess you'd call it. I have a hunch teams are already set, at least for tonight. Rupert and Alex are joined at the hip, so that leaves me an' Michael to discover how much he remembers. You two mind if we take the big bed this time?"

"No. No, I don’t. Alex?"

"I’d rather be down here, I think. Feels a little more.... private."

Slipping off the higher bed and down onto the air mattress, Rupert maneuvered himself into a cross-legged position facing Alex and gently grasped the others hands.

"All right. Tell me what you can about this dream."

"There isn't much to it, really, but what there is....." Alex hesitated, lowering his eyes and shaking his head. "Wow. I’m not so sure I want to do this anymore. If this is really a memory....."

"Alex, it's all right. Tell me."

"I only see it in freeze frames, like still pictures. I’m little, four or five maybe. I’m in the sandbox at a playground.... then I’m walking towards the woods behind the see-saw, holding someone's hand..... the next picture..... I can't. Please. I’ve never told anyone about this. It’s too much.... I don’t want this to be real. Nothing has ever scared me like this...."

Reaching out, Rupert took Alex’s face in both hands.

"Even if this is a memory, it isn’t real now. It’s in the past where it can't hurt you. Close your eyes..... and tell me the rest."

"The next thing I remember..... is laying down on my back.....looking up at something.... no, someone. Whoever it is, I’m terrified. The pictures stop there.... but the feelings are so clear..... I’m crying..... and my legs are cold..... all of me is cold and numb..... all I can feel.... all I *wanna* feel are the pine needles sticking into me...."

"All right. Stop, now. You don’t have to go any further. I understand well enough." the older man soothed, pulling a sobbing Alex into his arms and holding him until the younger man seemed ready to separate. "Did your parents never tell you anything like this
happened to you as a child?"

"No. I never asked." Alex confessed, working to steady his voice and calm his nerves. "I figured they'd just tell me I had some kind of incredibly freaky wet dream and suggest I go find a girl or a copy of Playboy and chill out."

"What do you feel now?"

Drawing and expelling a shaky breath, Alex gave Rupert a resigned look.

"It’s true. As much as I want it not to be, I think it’s real."

"The images are always the same? The setting, the pattern and order never change?"

"Never."

"That’s a good sign, then. Perhaps it only happened that one time. Give me a moment....."

Rupert took several minutes, body still and quiet, mind sunk deep in thought. "I may have an idea, if you still want to go forward with this, of course. Knowing what I do now, I would never ask it. It would have to be your decision."

"I do want to." Alex responded immediately. "I’ve never been able to move past this. Even with Anya, there have been times that I just tense up and pull away. I’ve never been able to tell her why..... or tell her anything about the nightmares."

"Understandable. I think, perhaps I can.... take the fear out of the experience for you, break the connection. If you trust me enough to allow me to try."

"If I didn’t trust you I would have walked out when you gave me the chance."

"True. Well, then. The first step, I suppose, is to approximate the image in your memory as closely as we can. If you'll...."

"What? Oh. You mean...... the pants. Oh."

"As I said, you aren't committed to anything...."

"No. It.... it’s all right."

Working quickly, as if speed would keep him from having to think about what he was doing, Alex unfastened and stripped out of his khakis and briefs and lay back on the air-bed.

"Good. Now, grab onto my hands and close your eyes tightly. I want you to understand that all the control here is yours. You’ll know where my hands are every second. I won’t touch you until and unless you give me permission, and the very moment you say wait or stop, my hands will be right back in yours again. The power over what happens tonight is yours alone. Understood?"

"Yeah. I understand."

"Excellent. Whenever you’re ready, you just say so. I won’t act, only react to your commands."

Several minutes passed while Alex fought to ease his breathing and calm his racing heart, anticipating an unwanted touch that didn’t come. Eventually, he calmed enough to speak the words that would allow Rupert to begin.

"O.... okay. You can... touch me."

"You’re terribly brave, Alex. I’m letting go of your hands, now. Good...."

Alex let the stroking continue for almost five minutes before the fear threatened to overwhelm him and he told Rupert to stop. The gentle fingers left his genitals immediately and returned to grasp his hands.

"You.... you did it. I said stop.... and you stopped."

"I told you I would. You are in control, here, I told you that as well."

"But... it’s just me. No one ever listens to me."

"True of Xander perhaps, not of the man whose hands I’m holding right now. I’m listening, Alex. Tell me what you want from me."

Lost in a moment of wonder over the idea that a three letter shift in his name could change how the world saw him, or expand what he was allowed to ask for and receive from that world, Alex shook himself, then spoke quietly, amazed to find his terror receding.

"Touch me..... please, touch me."

"As you wish." Rupert answered, resuming his ministrations. "You can want this and be afraid of it at the same time, Alex. That’s perfectly normal. You’re doing very well. Keep being strong...... that’s fantastic. Are you getting close to your orgasm?"

"Ye.... yes.... soon....."

"Do you want me to take you through it or would you rather finish on your own?"

"Please.... you... you do it.... don’t stop.... "

Silent now, Rupert sped up the touches he was using until Alex came in his hands, slowing gradually to a stop as the flow dropped to a trickle.

"Are you all right, Alex?"

"Yeah. Give me a minute.... and a little space."

"I understand. Did any more of the memory return?"

"No and I think I’m grateful. Hey.... man, I am so sorry about your clothes. They're really a mess...."

"I do have a washer and dryer, you know. It will be fine."

"Well, look... I mean, if you swear not to get hot and bothered and all wiggy on me, you could..... I wouldn't squawk if you....."

"No. Not tonight. I’ve been splattered and soaked with blood, demon slime and every other bodily fluid known to man.... or whatever. I can live with this."

"Really. It’s okay."

"No, it isn’t. Are you ready yet to go again?"

The fear resurfaced in Alex’s expression just for a moment, but was quickly replaced by trust and curiosity.

"Just touching?"

"Unless you think you might be ready for more."

"No! I mean.... I guess not."

"Right. We've got until Monday. As badly as I want..... Lets just say I could very easily be talked into pushing you too hard.... so don’t talk me into it. There’s plenty of time to bring you on slowly."

"Okay. Go for it. I’m ready to start again."

As Rupert began to stroke Alex to orgasm for the second time, he tuned one ear to the voices coming from the bed above him.

Part 4

"Shall we try once more? Ya did say you wanted to give this every chance, right?"

"Yes, and I do want that. I don't know why I can't..... why this frightens me so."

"Yer makin' the scare worse by tellin' yourself it shouldn't scare ya. Be scared and try again. It's no different than milkin' yer own equipment."

"So you say...." Michael mumbled, reaching for Spike's cock for the fourth time in half an hour, accomplishing his goal of actually touching it.

"Alright. Now.... that's right.... wrap the whole hand 'round..... good. Start slow and easy.... ya can grip a little firmer. Don't want to shake ya loose when I blow.... better.... do somethin' with that other hand.... yeah.... right along the vein.... marvelous.... speed up the strokes a bit.... hold it there.... mmmm.... yeah. More speed..... I'm close.... there.... touch right there...."

As his orgasm hit, William's words became moans and hisses, fading along with his release.

"That... was not at all bad for a first timer, son. Shall we move on to stage two?"

"I'm afraid to ask."

"Like I said, afraid is good. Embrace it, use it. You ready?"

"Not really, but I made a deal and, in a way, I am rather enjoying this."

"In a way? This from the man who, less than an hour ago, was beggin' me to, an' this is a direct quote: 'suck my balls an' my cock until you choke on my come.' unquote."

"I said that?! Well.... it really felt very good. I suppose I was a bit incoherent at the time."

"Prepare to get so again, hot stuff." William told him as he ran his hand through the remaining fluid on his cock and Michael's belly then held just his index finger up before the other's lips.

"You.... please. You can't be serious."

"As Angel goin' off his Prozac. Open your mouth, Michael."

"I... I can't."

"I'm startin you easy here, lettin' you get used t'the taste and texture before the main event goes off. I mean it, son. Open.... your mouth."

Eyes squeezed tightly shut, Michael reluctantly did as he'd been commanded, trying not to flinch or pull away from the finger sliding between his lips, as he was vaguely afraid he might be hit. A moment later, however, his eyes had popped wide open again and he was suckling gently on the finger. The next he took in readily, tongue actively seeking out the fluid he had quickly developed a fervent appreciation for. "Knew it. Natural born, ya were. Just needed a push."

"Yes, well you can't expect a first-timer to think everything will be sunshine and roses now can you?"

"No. S'ppose not. One quick thing before ya give this a go. Start swallowin' before you think ya need to, or else you'll feel like you're chokin an' you'll panic. That's the last thing either of us needs. I'd likely get bit and you'd hyperventilate. Not a pleasant scenario any way ya look at it."

"No. I understand."

"Right. Go on, then. Take one."

Take one turned out to be all they needed. Forty minutes of moaning and praises later, Michael, fluid dripping from his chin onto the sheets and the other's thighs, finally pulled away from a thoroughly exhausted Spike. "Devil take me..... yer a holy terror, you are. Startin' t'wonder if I ever shoulda introduced you to this. I think it's sleep time for both of us, luv."

"Sounds good right now. You've fair worn me out tonight."

"Me? Worn you out? That's funny, that is.... go to sleep, would ya?"

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

Saturday morning Giles awoke far earlier then the others, gazed down at the young man sleeping beside him, but more truthfully half on top of him, and smiled. He assumed it was a habit Alex and Anya had fallen into. Gently, he extricated himself and rose to his feet, knowing how Alex would, in his vernacular, "majorly freak out" if he woke disoriented and found himself so intimately tangled with another man. Moving to the hall linen closet, he grabbed four towels, leaving three by the bedroom door for the others, and proceeded to the bathroom for a much needed shower.

The steaming water cleared his sleep-clogged brain and pushed him all the way into full alertness, just as he'd intended it to, as it always did. Still, thoughts of a potential jealousy blowout from Spike, Alex's potentially devestating memory or his many other myriad concerns did not immediately surface. His morning shower, and the half hour or so of shaving and such that followed, had ever been the only time he refused to let the world intrude on him, refused to let his normally disquieted, worry-wart nature rule. He leaned his shoulder against the tile, tipped his head back and allowed the water to stream on his upturned face for a few blessed moments while he thought about nothing much at all, savoring the relaxation and calm.

Finished at last, he dried, slipped into his favorite robe and moved quietly downstairs into the kitchen for his toast and tea while the others woke at their own pace and in their own time.

Over the next hour, Micheal and Alex staggered into the kitchen one by one, dropping into chairs with expressions that screamed their need for caffeine. Spike followed soon after, his quite different need written just as clearly on his face. Giles, prudently, toned down his usual morning cheer out of respect.

"Morning, all. Ready for breakfast, are we?"

"Crikey, you kiddin'? I'm starved."

"Yours is in the fridge, as usual."

"Get it for me, luv?"

"You have two perfectly functioning legs, darling boy. Get it yourself."

Alex chuckled as he watched Spike grumble and rise to get his meal himself, amazed at the ring of contented familiarity in the exchange. Looking from one to the other, he could almost see the link that had been forged between the hearts of watcher and vampire. When he found a darkness beginning to seep into his previously good mood, he examined it and was shocked to discover that the negative emotion assailing him was envy.

{And why is that so surprising? I haven't been happy for weeks, maybe even months....} Alex groused mentally, then rejected the unhappy thoughts. {No, damn it. I'm happy. What Anya and I have is good. It used to be great.....}

Shoving the darkness away from his spirit, Alex forced a small smile and asked a purposely light question in an effort to regain his lost joy.

"Why do I think you two have that argument every day?"

"Not every day." Spike responded. "It's sorta... off an' on. Some days he says, 'Of course, dear. Coming right up.' " he mimicked, producing an excellent imitation of not only Giles' accent, but his actual voice.

"And some days I tell him, very politely, to get stuffed." Giles countered blithely. "The uncertainty keeps things..... interesting."

"You talk as if you've been together for years. It hasn't even been two weeks." Michael interjected.

"Do we? Well, it feels natural, don't it? Like it shoulda always been. What do you think, sweets?" Spike mused, gazing up from his breakfast to throw Giles a look that held all the love and passion he'd never shown or given anyone else. Michael shivered and looked away. Alex followed suit, but only to hide the jealousy that wanted to explode from him and that he was sure was clearly written on his face.

"Yes. Well said. It's as if something I hadn't the vaguest idea I was waiting for finally arrived..... and now I wonder what I ever did before it found me."

"Yeah. Like the last puzzle piece you can't make fit no matter what ya do, an' yer so ready to trash the whole thing..... Then you turn it just a little.... an' somethin' clicks into place..... an' you realize the picture's nothin' like what ya thought it was gonna be, but it's still beautiful. More so, even."

When Spike finally tore his eyes away from Giles, he found Michael staring at him, tears shining at the corners of his eyes. "What?"

"You. That was eloquent and moving.... and if I don't find something distracting to do in the next few seconds I'm afraid I'll quite embarrass myself. Can I help with the food, Rupert?"

"Absolutely. Grab the eggs from the fridge, if you would. Oh, and the juice and milk as well?"

Alex watched the activity with little interest at first, unwilling to let go of his black mood. When the food reached the table, however, the aromas woke his hunger and the easy, joyous conversation drew him out of the dark cocoon he'd begun to build.

"It all smells great. I didn't think I was really hungry, but after last night, I'm probably low on just about all my essential vitamins and minerals."

"We all are." Michael joked, grinning around his cup of tea.

As the meal progressed, Alex fell into the chatter and, eventually, got back to his normal self, but his thought pattern transferred itself to Giles, who became relatively detatched, speaking only when he was asked a question or a comment was directed at him.

{Que sera, sera. What will be, will be. I have to keep a positive attitude. But.... what if I can't give either one of them up? With the chip out of commission, William could kill Alex as easily as brushing dirt off his shoe.... Then there's Anyanka, of course. When she learns... if she convinces Willow or Tara that I..... oh, sweet Lord, what have I done? I could be an oak tree in the middle of Weatherly park before I knew what was happening.... No! Stop it right this minute. Que sera, sera has to be your focus, your mantra even. So far the fates haven't deserted you and they won't now.}

"Rupert, luv. Either sing a little louder so I can recognize the tune, or quit, would ya please? You're about t'drive me 'round the bend."

"Singing? Was I singing? I wasn't aware...."

{Of course you were, you complete idiot. Your sub-conscious took you at your word...} Giles reprimanded himself laughingly. "I just had a tune stuck in my head. It was "Que sera, sera", I believe."

Spike suddenly began laughing so hard he lost all control and fell out of his chair sideways.

Part 5

LATE SATURDAY NIGHT

"I have to, Giles. Tomorrow's.... it, right? It wouldn't be fair to do this, then tell her about it. We have... other things to talk about too."

Hearing a great deal of sadness in Alex's tone, Giles rushed to prevent his friend from doing what he suddenly suspected he was about to do.

"Wait. If you're planning on breaking it off with Anya.... please, don't. Not on my account and not on the basis of one night of...."

"It isn't because of you, or last night. Not completely, anyway. It was seeing you and Spike at breakfast this morning. You two are so easy with each other and so obviously happy. At first, I was psyched for both of you, then..... I started feeling crummy. I got so jealous so fast, you don't even know. It made me realize that I've been lying to myself. Anya and I..... we're terrific in bed, talking the stock market or how she should do her hair when we're going out. Beyond that our relationship's about as deep as a sidewalk puddle after a thirty second rain shower. I've given it more than two years and we don't have what you guys have after a week and a half....."

"Alex.... you can't compare Anya and yourself to William and I. Part of our bond comes from the story I didn't tell you last night. When he knocked on the door Wednesday.... this house was utter chaos. I'd been drinking heavily for quite a while, so there were bottles scattered everywhere. Between not sleeping and the multi-layered hangover I was suffering, I didn't have the competence to keep things clean or in order..... including myself. At the moment he arrived..... well, according to him I was about to do something very stupid.... and very final.

I have a dim memory of thinking that there was a black hole inside the downstairs medicine cabinet and that if could just crawl into it, I'd finally find some peace.... begging Spike to kill me is all too clear a memory, unfortunately. Suffice it to say that he didn't, I survived and we both found a much better method of dealing with our grief. He's talked me through a great deal that I couldn't have navigated by myself."

"I'm really glad you trusted me with that and I'm even more glad you decided to not to leave that way. I can't speak for the rest of the gang, but.... losing you woulda sent my mind somewhere it might not have come back from so easy. The story explains a lot, but it doesn't change anything. I'm still not happy with Anya and the reasons still haven't changed. I told her on the phone to meet me in the park, so.... I'll be back in about an hour, okay?"

"Alright. Should I wait for you?"

"Could I stop you?" Alex replied gently, adding a small chuckle.

"No. Absolutely not."

Alex smiled tightly at his good friend, grabbed his coat and headed out to meet Anya.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

A short while later, in a secluded, but well-lit corner of Weatherly park, Alex sat indian-style on the ground, head wrapped in his arms while Anya babbled and rambled on about how wonderful things would be when they were finally able to settle down somewhere that wasn't Sunnydale.

He had been trying desperately for over fifteen minutes to get her to sit with him, look at him or do anything other than talk, but he was having no success. Finally, patience stretched beyond even his endurance, he raised his head, shouted her name and unthinkingly spoke the words he had sworn on everything he held sacred that he would never say to anyone; the words that had hurt him more than even his father could, the words that had once sent him into the arms of the black arts in an effort to heal his pain with revenge.

"Anya, I want to break up!"

This, at last, stopped the torrent of sound flowing from the lips of the young woman wearing a path in the grass before him. Realizing too late the significance of the words, his heart cringed within his chest, but he held tight to his purpose for bringing her there, knowing he had to go on, for both their sakes

"What? Xander, did you say something?"

"Yeah, An. We.... look, come sit down beside me, alright?"

"No. I don't like the look on your face, Xander Harris. Tell me I didn't just hear you say what I think you said...."

"I didn't mean to say it so bluntly... but yeah, you heard right. We really have to talk. Get that? We. Not you talk and talk and talk and I wish I were deaf or dead or anywhere but within hearing distance. Please.... sit down."

Slowly, as if she were trying not to fall to the ground, Anya dropped into a seated position a few feet from her lover. "First, my name isn't Xander anymore, at least it won't be as soon as I can get to the courthouse at lunch Monday."

"But I like your name. Why would you want to...."

She stopped when he held up a hand.

"I'm Alex now and I'd really prefer it if you called me that. Secondly..... I've decided I can't keep playing this game anymore. You know I've been distant lately, not telling you things, yelling all the time. I think.... I knew we were ending a long time ago. I just couldn't face losing the one person who said they loved me and never backed it up with a kidney punch or an insult. It took seeing a couple of people who really are in love to get it through my head. Somebody's gonna have to end this. I finally figured out that it has to be me."

"Xander, stop this. Why are you saying these awful, nasty things to me? I won't stand for it! If this is one of your... human pranks, it isn't funny! You go get your things at Giles house and come home with me this very instant...."

Leaping to his feet, Alex stalked to where Anya sat, lifted her by the shoulders and got in her face. "You're not listening! It's done, okay? I'm done. Our relationship is undead! If I'd had the freaking guts I would have shoved the stake in ten or eleven months back and put us both out of our misery a little sooner.... but I just found out I had a spine. It took me a while to learn how to use it. Go home." he growled as he released her abruptly and moved away, heading back toward Giles' apartment.

Tears streaming down her face, Anya ran a few steps after Alex, but when he turned back to confront her, the unfamiliar glacial tint to his eyes and the lack of pity in his expression stopped her from going any closer.

"Xander...."

"My name.... is Alex. I'll pick up my stuff on Monday after I finish at the courthouse. Be careful walking home. With Buffy gone, the creepy-crawlers are getting bolder all the time." he told her as he turned and walked away, leaving her to dry her own tears or find someone who would.

Her heart shattered, at a loss to understand what had just befallen her, Anya fought to stay on her feet when everything in her wanted to drop to the grass, then sink through it and never come up again. Stumbling, she turned and ran, not in the direction of what had been her and Xander's apartment, but in the direction of the only source of comfort she knew; the slayers' former home and the two witches who now lived there.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

When Alex came in, Giles was curled on the couch not really reading the book he held. For the first few minutes he stayed silent, watching the young man to gauge his mood and get a sense of how the meeting had gone. Alex came within a half-inch of slamming the door, barely remembering that the other two might be sleeping, then closed it so slowly the watcher knew his control was on thin ice. The tension flowing off him was palpable.

"I don't have to ask. Do you want to.... talk about it?"

"I should. I'm not sure I can, right now."

As Alex dropped down heavily beside him, the older man touched his shoulder briefly, wishing for all the world that he could do anything to help, but knowing Alex had to heal himself.

"I'm sorry. Truly sorry."

"Me too. Can I have the keys to the shop?"

"Of course. This is the house key, by the way. What... Oh. The workout equipment. I can come with you. Someone to hold the pads and such."

"No. I need to be alone..... and not think or talk or do anything but hit stuff."

"I... I understand. You won't overdo, will you. Try not to.... hurt yourself. Pain and anger can make a person do.... the silliest things."

"I'll be fine." Alex assured him as he accepted the keys and rose to his feet to leave again, stopping as a sudden thought struck him. " Rupert. I know I don't have slayer strength or anything, but would you be willing to train me? I want to know how to do it right, how to work with weapons, how to punch and not break my knuckles and all that. Without Buffy..... I'd feel better on group patrol if I knew what I was doing, at least a little. I'd be a good student I swear....."

"I know you would. It's a fine idea. Would two hours, three nights a week do to start?"

"Yeah. That'd be great. Don't wait up this time, okay? This could take a while."

"Yes.... I'll see you in the morning, then."

"Whenever I wake up."

"Right. Good-night, Alex."

"Night."

Once the door had closed again behind the other man, Giles checked that it was locked, but not deadbolted, and moved up the stairs to join Michael and William and try to sleep, though he knew it would be a lost cause.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

"Anya, calm down, okay? Take a deep breath and tell me again. Xander did what?"

"He.... he called and told me to meet him in the park..... and I was so happy.... we were talking about our future and... and....then he.... he broke up with me!" Anya wailed, her tears flowing freely.

"He didn't! You must have heard wrong. He would never do that to you." Tara assured her.

"That's what I thought, but he said he was going to court on Monday to legally change his name to Alex, and that we weren't really in love and... he was so cold and inhuman... and cruel. I've never seen him like that. He compared our relationship to a creature of darkness!

He's moving out of the apartment.... We were so happy. I don't understand..."

"Neither do I," Willow murmured as she cradled the sobbing young woman in her arms. "but come tomorrow morning, I'm sure as hell gonna find out."