Opposable Thumbs Are Overrated

by Cinder

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: All hail the mighty Joss. Great and powerful is he. The characters and settings an all that jazz are the work of his twisted mind. The naughtitude is mine.

Summary: Sunnydale has finally gone to the dogs.

Feedback: Do you love me? Do you really? Send me feedback anyway.

Email: cinder@mochamail.com

Notes: This story happens instead of "Lover's Walk" in season three. Spike has come back, but before he gets up to anything truly nefarious, truly weird things happen.

Opposable Thumbs Are Overrated
by cinder

When Xander woke that morning, something definitely smelled good. The sun shone, the birds sang, and on a branch outside his window, a squirrel sat, cleaning its paws. Mmmm, squirrel.

He stood and stretched, snapping his teeth loudly as he yawned. Jumping down off the bed, he trotted out to the bathroom.

Suddenly, Xander stopped. His brain was telling him something was seriously wrong. Running to the bathroom, he scrabbled up onto the sink and looked into the mirror. A curly haired, black poodle with big brown eyes stared back at him.

"Buffy!" he whined, scampering down the stairs and out through the open front window.

Everywhere in Sunnydale, everyone had been turned into a dog. Some were little yip dogs, the kind you were scared would smoosh under your shoe, some were big Dobermans and Rottweillers - Xander steered clear of those. He made for the school as fast as his four legs would carry him.

"Xander!" A perfectly coifed, white poodle paced across the top of the school steps.

"Buffy?"

"Yeah, it's me. Come on, Giles is on the bench we usually use for lunch. Willow will find us there." She turned and ran, and Xander, like a good puppy, followed. A rather depressed looking Schnauser lay on the bench, waiting for them.

"I found Xander," Buffy yipped.

"Good girl."

Buffy preened.

"What's going on here, G-man?"

"Xander," the gray furred Schnauser sighed, his breath puffing out his long whiskers, "I *have* told you not to call me that."

"Buffy!" A pretty, little beagle bitch raced up from the other side as fast as her stubby, little legs would carry her...followed by a very human Oz.

"Oz! Oz!" Buffy yipped, jumping up and down.

"Buffy." Oz sat cross-legged on the ground and started doling out head rubs.

"How are you still human?" Giles asked.

Oz shrugged. Buffy kept on jumping up, trying to lick his face. Willow growled at her. Xander laid his head on Oz's thigh and whimpered for attention.

"That's enough, children," Giles announced, snorting through his long whiskers.

"Well, look at you, B. Aren't you the sweetest thing?"

They all turned to find a silky, black and brown German Shepherd, who could be no one other than Faith, padding her way toward them. Clustered around her legs were a fluffy Pomeranian, another poodle and a jack russel terrier with big, brown eyes.

"Faith!" Buffy jumped up and tried to lick Faith's face. Faith shoved her down with one paw. Growling, the Pomeranian bit Faith's paw. Faith kicked it.

"Stop that!" Wesley barked. He was the terrier it seemed. "Faith, let her up this instant!"

"Why? This is fun."

The Pomeranian growled again.

"Do shut up, Angel," Wesley ordered. Trotting over, he shoved at Faith until she gave in and let Buffy up.

"Who are you?" Xander-poodle asked the other strange poodle softly. It had even whiter, silkier fur than Buffy's and big, blue eyes.

"None of your bloody business, you wanker!" it growled.

"Be quiet children," Giles ordered. "Oz was just about to tell me why he isn't a dog."

"Don't know."

"We think it might be a wolfy thing," Willow added.

The other poodle crept forward and put his head next to Xander's so he could get his ears scratched.

"You know, because this is the three days of the month that he wolf's out at night, so the spell reversed his cycle, sorta," Willow continued.

"We're under a spell?" Buffy asked.

"Of course we are, you stupid bint," the strange poodle growled.

Xander was beginning to suspect he knew who it was. The voice was startlingly familiar and the accent...if he could just place it.

"And it seems to be affecting everyone," Giles added, "vampire, demon and human alike." He looked pointedly at Angel. "It's a very strong spell if it can prevent vampires from being affected by sunlight."

Looking out across the schoolyard, Xander watched as a fox terrier ineffectually tried to get the students in line. Probably Principal Snyder, Xander thought to himself. The students were forming packs. Some Rottweillers were on one side, sniffing one another's butts. They were probably the football team. Preening pit bulls sat on the other side of the courtyard. Xander pegged them as having once been cheerleaders. He thought about going over and saying 'hi,' but Cordelia was just about as
likely to bite him as to look at him.

"That does make sense," Giles was saying. "And it's quite useful, what with still having opposable thumbs and all. Could you perhaps open the library door and let us in? We need to begin researching this spell right away."

"How do you plan to read the books?" Wesley asked.

"I'm hoping that won't be a problem." Giles stood and stretched before jumping down and trotting off toward the front doors of the school. The Rottweillers closed in on him, growling. "Now, see here," Giles sputtered, "you are not dogs, you are students! Behave like - " The Rottweillers attacked. Faith jumped into the fray, snarling and biting, Buffy right behind her. Together, they used their superior Slayer strength to back the other dogs down.

"Oh, go us!" Buffy cheered, trying to jump up and lick Faith's face again when the other dogs ran away. Faith kicked her.

Oz strode ahead and opened the heavy school door.

Xander nudged the other poodle as they trotted inside. "I know who you are." He didn't really, but he thought he could trick the other dog into telling him if he played it cool. Yeah, the XandMan playing it cool, that would be the trick of the century.

"So what if you do?"

"Uh, what are you doing here?" Maybe if he could just get more information, he'd know whom it was, just keep the other dog talking until he placed that accent.

"None of your damn business." Then the other poodle turned his back on him and proceeded to ignore him.

"Now, don't jump up on the furniture," Giles admonished, as they entered the library. The children all ignored him and jumped up on the chairs.

"Really, children - "

Wesley ignored him and jumped up on a chair, then the table. "We're not going to read the books on the floor. Oz, we'll need Balthazar's Compendium."

"What one?"

"Big, red, has gold squigglies on it," Wesley told him. Oz went to get the book. "Oh, do come up here, Giles. I shall need you for this, as much as I hate admitting it." Giles growled, but got up on the table.

"Have we got any idea who cast the spell?" Willow asked. Oz came back with the book and opened it. Then he sat and put Willow in his lap so he could scratch her ears.

Wesley used his nose to flip through the compendium. "It could be anyone, any spell. We'll need to do a lot of research."

Everyone groaned.

"Ooo, ooo, maybe Faith and I should go out and patrol." Buffy-poodle bounced up and down.

"Maybe we could all do the patrol thing, G-man," Xander agreed. "The more people you've got working on this the better, and so not good with the books without those opposable thumbs you mentioned."

"Yeah, we're just sittin' 'round here lickin' our balls," the strange poodle added.

"Licking our balls? We can do that?" Xander asked.

"There will be no ball licking in front of me," Giles barked.

"But, life-long dream, G-man."

"I could have died happy without that knowledge." Giles snorted through his whiskers again. "All right, Willow, Oz, Wesley and I will stay here and research. Buffy, you and Angel search the west side of town." The two heroes yipped affirmatively. "And Faith, you, Xander, and, who are you?"

All eyes suddenly focused on the strange poodle.

"Oh? Eh...uh...Bob. I'm a friend o' Xander here's."

"I see. Well, then, Bob, you got with Xander and Faith. Call here if you see anything."

"Right!" The five scampered off, anxious to be away from the books, even if it meant leaving Oz and his wonderful ear scratches behind.

"West side! West side!" Buffy yipped, as they pushed their way out through the main door. Angel yipped back at her and the two ran off, Angel's perfectly coifed fur flapping in the wind.

"They have some serious issues," Faith deadpanned.

"So, old buddy, old pal," Xander turned to the strange poodle. "We're not going another foot until we get some answers. Who are you?"

"Screw you, wanker!"

Stepping up behind the poodle in question, Faith grabbed the scruff of his neck in her powerful jaws and lifted him three feet into the air.

"Hey!"

Faith shook him.

"Fuck! That hurts, you know," the poodle complained.

Faith shook him again.

"All right already! I'll tell you who I am if you promise not to stake me." He looked around. Faith didn't show any sign of putting him down, but at least she'd stopped the shaking thing. "You remember me, pup. It's ol' Spike, it is."

"What are you doing here in Sunnydale?" Xander asked.

"Back for a little visit with me sire is all. Put me down already, I can't hurt you and I'm not going to try." Faith set the vampire turned poodle down. "Look, Angel might be the biggest poofster in the world, but he's still me sire. I didn't know who to go to, where to turn." Spike looked down and said really softly, "Dru left me." He raised his voice again. "It's all because of that effin' Slayer, it is. Buffy." He said her name like a dirty word. "Dru says I've gone soft, so I'm back to kill the Slayer and prove my vamphood to my love. As soon as we get human again, I'm going to wring her pretty little neck. That's a promise."

"Not helpin' your situation here, poodle-face," Xander warned.

"Look, I wanna be a man again just as much as you do. Let me help you look for the evil, we'll kill it, and then your Slayer and I will end this the old fashioned way."

"All right," Faith told him, stepping on Spike's back to make sure her message got through loud and clear, "but any funny moves and I'll kill you dead."

"As opposed to kill me living?"

Xander snorted. "Come on, let's go case the east side of town. The sooner we find the thing causing this, the better."

"Oh, Xander," a sweet voice behind him sing-songed.

Turning slowly, Xander found himself snout to snout with a pit bull. "Oh, uh, hi."

"You would be a poodle, you two-bit looser. You're not even a well groomed poodle."

"Hi, Cordelia." Xander blanched and tried to squirm away.

"I bet you have fleas."

"Leave him alone." Spike bit her on the leg.

"Oh, ugh, gross!" Cordelia growled and flailed her leg around, trying to dislodge the furry little former vampire.

"Spike, let go," Faith commanded, stepping up into Cordelia's face. The pit bull snapped her powerful jaws at the parasite on her leg. Faith growled. Cordelia finally shook Spike loose. He flew through the air and hit Xander, and the two of them went down in a heap.

"You made me bleed," Cordelia complained. "You are both so dead." She fixed her eyes on Faith and growled, "all of you."

Faith growled.

Cordelia growled back.

The pack of pit bull-cheerleaders closed in on them. The Rottweillers, not willing to be left out of a good fight, closed in from behind. Everyone snarled.

"Running! Running would be good here!" Xander yelped. Nudging Spike to his feet, the teenager turned canine took off. Spike and Faith followed him. Pit bull-cheerleaders and jock-Rottweillers gave chase. Down the steps, across the street, through the alley they raced. They finally lost the pack outside the shops on Main Street. The three of them ducked into the alley by the pet store and no one followed.

"They stopped." Xander turned around and edged up to the mouth of the alley to see where everyone had gone.

"Be careful," Faith hissed.

"I am," he hissed back.

Out on the sidewalk, a line of dogs were fighting to get through the door to the pet shop. Xander smelled something wonderful. Angel and Buffy were there. They fought their way inside.

"What is that wonderful smell?" Spike asked, edging past Xander, out of the alley. Xander grabbed Spike's tail in his jaws and pulled the other dog back.

"Hey, what gives, you moron? Good smell. Somethin' good to eat."

"Stop thinking with your stomach."

Suddenly, Faith leapt past them and shoved her way into line. Spike dashed after her, but Xander pulled him back again.

"What gives?" Spike growled.

"Don't you see it's a trap? Somebody in there is luring the dogs inside."

"Oh, well, yeah. Who?"

"Don't know," Xander whined softly. "I'm afraid to get too close. It smells too good and I'm afraid I'd, you know, not be of the resisting."

They sat for a while and watched. Suddenly, Spike nipped Xander's ear.

"Hey, what'd you do that for?"

"'M a vampire, pet. S'what we do."

"Stop it!"

"Why? You like it?"

Xander snorted and turned back to watch the door of the pet store. The line was shorter now. Spike bit his neck again.

"Hey!"

"Hey yourself."

"Do that again and I'll...I'll..."

"You'll what?"

"Bite you back."

"Really?" Spike leered, his tongue lolling out of his mouth. Xander groaned.

"Hey, look."

"What?" Xander kept his eyes on his paws, trying to avoid the blue-eyed gaze of the silky furred dog next to him.

"At the door, you moron."

Xander looked up. The line was gone now. Pomeranian-Angel staggered out the door. Suddenly, he keeled over. Xander and Spike ran over to him, sniffing him. He reeked of the strange, good thing that seemed to be inside the shop. Behind them, they heard footsteps.

"Quick, drag him into the alley," Xander whispered. Each grabbing a hold of Angel's long fur, they moved him. Xander snuck a quick peek around the alley corner.

"Here, doggie, doggie. Here doggie." Out of the shop door emerged Ethan Rayne, holding a dog biscuit. The smell was even stronger. Xander almost barked, he was so excited. "Here pooch. Don't you want your treat?" Ethan waved the biscuit, but no dog was forthcoming. He looked around one last time, and then wandered back inside the shop.

"It's Ethan Rayne! It's Ethan Rayne!" Xander yipped.

"You know the bugger?"

"Oh, yeah, he's mega-evil...and might have once been involved with Giles, which is soooo ewww."

Spike was sniffing over his sire. "Check this out."

"What? Spike, that's gross. That's Angel-butt you're sniffing."

"I said to check-it-out."

Fearing what he'd find, Xander nuzzled his head in next to Spike's ... and laughed. "He's got no balls!"

"Neutered, he is."

"Why am I so not shocked?"

"If you hate my sire and I hate my sire, what have we been doing on opposite sides all this time?" Spike asked.

"Umm, you tried to kill us?"

"Good point. Hey, do you think that's what they're doing inside the pet shop?"

"Oh, man, we've got to stop it. Buffy and Faith are in there." Xander thought for a moment. "And other people."

"Get up, you poof." Spike kicked Angel. "C'mon." Angel roused with a moan.

"Deadboy?" Xander asked. "Deadboy? You alive?"

"Peaches?" Spike kicked him again.

Grunting and snarling, Angel laboriously climbed to his feet, still unsteady. Suddenly he started barking and tried to run back into the shop.

Xander kicked him, knocking him down again. "We have to go see Giles first. He'll know how to get us out of this mess. You can save Buffy later."

Angel growled and barked again.

Xander feared that all of this racket was going to bring Ethan out of the shop again. "No, you have to shut up, you have to - "

"Let him go, pet." Spike nudged Xander aside so his sire could run back into the shop, yipping and yapping all the way. "He's a hero. It's what he has to do."

"Heroes are stupid, you know that?"

"Then, how do they always win?"

"Dumb luck."

Spike snickered. "C'mon, Xan-pet, let's go tell Giles what we've found."

Together they ran back through the streets of Sunnydale. Nothing was chasing them. The streets were empty. The sun was shining. Flirtatiously, Xander nipped at Spike's neck and then took off. He didn't know what possessed him, but Spike smelled good and everything seemed fun. Spike chased after him, racing fast enough to tackle the other dog to the ground and lick his silky, black fur.

"What are you doing?" Xander asked softly.

Spike leapt to his feet. "We'd best ... uh ... get on then." Xander nodded. Standing, he licked Spike one last time, then trotted off toward the school. Spike followed.

Inside the library, a very human Willow embraced her boyfriend. Wesley and Giles, also human, stood by the table, congratulating one another.

"Willow!" Xander barked. "Willow! Willow! Come quick!"

"Xander?" Willow asked.

"That's him," Oz told her.

"Oz," Xander barked, "you have to come. You have to all come. Buffy's in trouble."

Oz listened carefully, translating for the full humans in the room. "He says that Buffy's in trouble. He says that Ethan Rayne opened a pet store downtown and that he's the one who turned you guys into dogs. He's doing something to lure the dogs into his shop and then he's neutering them."

"I might have known," Giles groaned. "Still, that doesn't sound like Ethan. Well, yes, turning us all into dogs, but doing any permanent damage isn't his style. He's quite squeamish about blood, violence, earthworms. Never could bait his own hook."

Xander barked some more.

"Xander says Ethan Rayne is big evil," Oz told Giles. "He says he only knows what he saw. We need to come now. Better safe than sorry."

"Of course, in this instance, Xander is actually right." Giles picked up a large beaker off the table, full of brownish liquid. "Let's be off then. Just let me change you two back first."

"No time," Xander barked and raced out the door, Spike hot on his heels. Privately, he was afraid that as soon as they changed the vampire back, he would get staked, and he was *really* starting to like Spike.

They had to stop frequently as they led the humans back to the pet shop. Even as short-legged, little dogs, they ran pretty fast.

It stood innocently on a block of downtown Sunnydale, empty, but for three or four birds flitting about the window. Armed with the potion, several swords and a crossbow, the humans bravely stepped inside. Spike and Xander followed cautiously.

Inside, dogs slept in cages that lined the walls. Willow, Oz and Wesley started opening the cages and Giles began feeding the dogs his potion. As soon as a drop touched the dog's tongue, they became human again, though still asleep.

Suddenly, Ethan appeared from the back. "What are you...oh, Ripper, it's you." Then he ran.

"Ethan!" Giles thrust the potion into Wesley's hand and then gave chase. Xander and Spike raced after them.

Giles caught up with Ethan just outside the back door and slammed him up against the wall. "I'd bite you if I were still a dog." Xander bit Ethan's ankle. "Thank you, Xander."

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, rabies!"

"I hope you die from it. Just what were you trying to do?"

"Create chaos and annoy you, what else, my dear Ripper?"

"You staged this entire scene just to get my attention?" Giles asked, shoving Ethan harder into the wall. "And why in God's name, a Schnauzer?"

"Ah, ah, I had nothing to do with that Ripper. Your subconscious determined the kind of dog you would be, the very best form to suit your personality, not the spell."

Giles glared. "I should finish you off for good."

"Now, now, you can't do that and still be a good guy."

"No one has to know."

Xander yipped his agreement. Spike bit Ethan's other ankle.

"Ow! Ow! Call those mutt's off!"

Giles smirked. "And ruin this priceless moment? Get inside." He manhandled Ethan back inside the door, never letting go of his neck.

Inside, Wesley had run out of potion. "Mr. Giles? We're going to have to go back and make more before everyone wakes up."

"I'm sure Ethan has all the ingredients here for the antidote," Giles assured them. "No practiced wizard starts a spell without being able to break it. But first, we need to perform Ethan's spell one more time." He glanced significantly at the man he held by the neck.

"I have no fears, Ripper. I'm fixing it in my mind right now. I shall be a mastiff."

"I somehow doubt that."

Xander yawned. The exciting day of world savage was catching up with him. Drowsy, he crawled under a chair and fell asleep with his head on his paws.

*************

When he woke, Wesley was shaking him. He looked around. The cages were empty and everyone was gone. An unfamiliar Chihuahua crouched under a chair opposite him. Giles was trying to coax it out with a dog biscuit. Spike was curled up half on top of him.

"Time to come out now, Xander," Wesley coaxed. "Time to be a man again."

"No!" Xander barked. The noise woke Spike.

"Why not?" Wesley asked.

"I like being a dog." Xander smiled to himself. "I do. There's no school and I get to sleep a lot. I won't have to find a stupid-ass low-end job someday delivering pizza. I'll be a dog and that's enough. I can run really fast and things smell good and... Just don't make me live with my dad. He kicks really hard."

"You want to stay a dog," Wesley said, just trying to be clear.

"Yeah, please, I want to stay a dog."

"What about you, Bob?" Wesley shook the potion. "Going to come out."

Spike yawned, stretched, and stood, then sat, then stood, then sat again.

"Are you going?" Xander asked.

"I ..."

"You can be a dog with me if you want. It'd be more fun to be dogs together. We could play and nap and stuff, you know?" Xander sat up on his haunches so he could face Spike. "Wanna be a dog with me?"

"I got vampy things to do pet."

"Oh." Xander dropped his head, those big brown eyes staring at his paws.

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah."

Wesley waited patiently for their decision.

"Cheer up, pet. I'll, uh, we'll, I mean..." Spike glanced around the room. His gaze finally rested on his Sire, who was making cow eyes at the Slayer. Spike snorted, then he looked back at the woe-be-gone pup in front of him. "We're not coming out," Spike growled at Wesley. "Me and the pup here like being the way we are."

Wesley smiled. "Far be it of me to separate you."

Xander nuzzled close to Spike and lay down again. Spike curled up with him in one big heap of silky fur.

It took some convincing for all involved, but Giles and Willow eventually accepted it. Buffy didn't have much choice. Spike's identity was kept quiet, and they moved in with Wesley, who fed them and made sure they got their shots.

Six months later...

"Tonight on the David Letterman show, stupid pet tricks, I was even impressed with this one folks, Rottweillers who play football..."

END