Title: Patient Merit

Series: What Dreams May Come 12

Author: Xandria

Fandom: BTVS Highlander and Star Trek

Summary: An alternate ending after Lover's Walk. Spike attacks Xander and kills him. Xander is an Immortal and goes away to be trained by Adam Pierson, an old friend of Giles. Xander is a half-human half vampire, enough to obey Spike as his Sire. As a half human he can be easily influenced by Spike so has little choice but to do as he says. He meets up with the Maquis and joins. He ends up looking for his spirit animal while contemplating a relationship with both Chakotay and Paris.

Archive: Go for it, just let me know where.

Rating: NC17+ m/m

Pairings: X/S X/C and X/P implied

Feedback: Does the Colonel serve chicken? Does Maccas serve beef? No wait...

Spoilers: Lovers Walk Graduation 1 and 2. Any of season one of Voyager.

Notes: I freely admit I know nothing about counseling whatsoever and am taking liberties by using my own ignorant common sense.

Notes 2.: thank you to all those who offered suggestions for a Spirit Guide/ Animal Guide. Wynde for Coyote. Whoever suggested the Hyena, and Anjxr for the Phoenix, and the big cats. I played with it a little and what we have here is sort of like a Sentinel type. But hey, Xander’s Guide is supposed to be a shape changer as well isn’t he? I mean no disrespect by using him in this context, he was just perfect for the role. If I have upset anyone’s belief’s then I am sorry as I did not intend to.

Disclaimer: They ain't mine, they were never mine, but the plot is mine and if you try to rip it off I will send my attack squad of rabid teddybears and my flock of Outer Mongolian Vampire Skunks after you!

Date: 2/24/01

What Dreams May Come 12: Patient Merit
by Xandria

And suddenly I was in the library again.

Sunnydale High School library with its books and the big oak table and the stairs. This was my safe place? I laughed. Of course it was.

"Naturally it is, child. This was the first place you ever felt safe with an adult. An adult who cared for you." I turned in surprise to look at the owner of the voice.

A coyote.

"A coyote?"

"Not A. The." Okay now this was strange.

"Umm."

"You should be used to strange by now child." He can read my thoughts? And I'm hardly a child!

"I'm..."

"Not a child. Four centuries is hardly all that much time to me."

"What?"

"All that research on the Hellmouth and you never touched on the mythology of my people. We are the native peoples of America you know. It'd be nice if a little more attention was paid to us." Coyote changed his shape suddenly to that of a Native American and sat down at the table.

"Umm." Xander sat opposite and stared at him as he started to eat an apple before suddenly speaking again.

"Right. I'm getting off the track here. So. Spirit Guide huh? How about that? And you're good friends with Chakotay, maybe want to take it further? And with Tom too."

"Aren't you supposed to be more cryptic?"

"Why? It's more fun this way, the expression on your face is definitely worth it! I could do the cryptic thing, but you tend to brood a little too much, child."

"Yeah. Not sure if that's Duncan or Deadboy."

"Both. I mean, they both certainly brood enough. But really, you should pay a little more attention to Spike or Methos."

"Methos yeah, but Spike?!"

"Sure. They both are good examples of how you should be. Live. Grow stronger. Fight another day. Survive. And if the wankers hurt you, laugh and get them back twice as hard."

"Yeah that's them alright. But these memories..."

"Suck. You have to face them, Xander. No more suppressing them. It's not healthy."

"Yeah. I guess. Wait a minute. The Coyote? The Trickster? Why you?"

"Why not? I've been watching you for a while now. You're one of my favorites."

"Favourites."

"Ooh yeah. I first noticed you at the Hellmouth of course. Now that's entertainment! It was when you killed Jesse. Don't look like that, child, you had to do it. Trust me, if you hadn't all sorts of things would have happened that weren't meant to."

"I thought you liked that kind of thing."

"Usually yeah. But not this time. As a PTB..."

"You're a PTB? Why am I not surprised. After what they put Deadboy through..." Coyote grinned.

"That was a lot of fun, too. Of course I'm a PTB, Xander."

"So why do I get a PTB as my spirit guide?"

"'Cause I wanted too. Look, you've been a fighter for me for four centuries now. So when you finally ask for the help you should have years ago I'm gonna be the one to do it."

"Umm, okay. So what do I do?"

"Get over it. Yeah, what happened sucked, but think about all the good times you've had too. And it'll work out. Go with the flow. Relax. Enjoy."

"How?!"

"Oh that's right. I forgot. Xander, you have a lot of issues to deal with. One. You feel guilty for being alive when the others died. It's natural, and it's called Survivors guilt. But think about it. That was four centuries ago and they wouldn't be alive by now anyway."

"But..."

"But nothing. Mourn them, yeah, They died in battle. But they won. There was no Ascension that day. If nothing else, think of that. They died, but it meant many thousands of others live. And if they had a choice, they would do it again."

"You're right. They would. But it still hurts!"

"Of course it does. The next thing is Spike. Big Bad vampire who killed you. Gave you an advantage over other immortals. More strength. Raped you a lot and tortured you as well. Which means you held up against the Cardassians."

"You did that?!"

"No. I influence, I play, but not that. Once again, my people were cheated of their land, their planet, but this time, my people have fought back. And you have fought for and with them."

"Well yeah. What they did was wrong. To try and achieve peace with a race who can't understand the concept?"

"True. But I'm here to guide you, not discuss politics. Xander, trust Chakotay. Trust Tom. Both will be good for you. And you will be for them as well."

"Coyote Cupid?" Coyote grinned again.

"Well the two of them are among my favourites as well. Why not let you all have a bit of fun together. It's gonna be tough, child. Betrayals and death, at every turn. Go see the Doctor tomorrow, start to live. You'll be in this Quadrant for the next few years at least, build up your strength." Xander blinked and opened his eyes to see Chakotay staring at him.

"I was beginning to worry. But my guide said that there were a lot of things for you to talk about." I smiled at him.

"Yeah. You might say that. Dinner?"

I was going to think about what Coyote said. He was right. It was time to live instead of just survive. I knew that, I just had to get my heart to realise that. Four centuries. Willow wouldn’t have wanted me to grieve over her for that long. Buffy and Giles wouldn’t have either.

And Spike. Damn, he had given me an advantage. This late in the Game, I would have been killed soon after I died the first time.

I have a lot of thinking to do. But, hey, I’m Immortal. I have time. A few years anyway, if what Coyote says is right. And why would he lie?

Oh wait. The Great Trickster. Well, his advice is still good. I think I’ll just take it day to day and see what happens.

END PART 12