Title: Save It For Later

Author: meagan

Summary: Angel tries to explain things. Immediately -- like two minutes -- after "A Little More Closure."

Spoilers: Let's just say everything, although at this point, it's really nothing.

Disclaimer: Of *course* they belong to someone else. I could never come up with characters like this. Specifically, they belong to Mutant Enemy, Fox, WB (even though they *really* don't deserve these guys after this week), and anyone else I forgot.

Rating: G, I think. Maybe PG.

Distribution: Please ask.

Feedback: Yes, please, if you want to know what happens next.

Note: This is what happens when office workers stuck behind a computer all day get bored. I think you could safely refer to this as "angsty, talky stuff." These two were really, really whiny today. I think I've been channeling Luke Skywalker or something. And the title of this particular installment comes from the English Beat song. I know taking titles from songs is lame, but I was really stuck.

Reversal 10: Save It For Later

by Meagan

"So. Why did you do it?"

At Xander's soft voice, Angel entire body relaxed. He was thankful he was already sitting. No anger, no accusations, just curiosity in the question. "I'm not sure." He lifted his head to see Xander standing next to the doorway, not moving to sit down but also not making any attempt to leave.

"I promised Cordy that I wouldn't leave until I heard everything you had to say."

"Oh." Eyes back to the ground. "You may want to sit down, then. I've had five years to practice this speech. You might be in for a long evening." Xander sat on the couch, as far away from the vampire as possible. With that, Angel stood and began pacing. "You know what happened after Buffy showed up and you left?" Great. No preliminaries. Just cut to the chase. Maybe Xander will bolt by the end of the next sentence. "Cordelia had to talk to her. I couldn't think. All I wanted to do was run after you and make you come back, but I couldn't even manage to figure out how to walk out of the room. Cordy told her that we -- Cordelia and I -- were involved. That you and I had gone out to get you used to the fact that she had moved on and that there was no possibility that you and she would ever get back together. She said something about forgiveness. And that the reason you ran out like that was because you didn't want to be around when Buffy found out *I* had moved on." He sighed. "*That* was a mess. I think the only reason Buffy didn't stake both of us was that Willow was planning on visiting the next weekend."

At the mention of his best friend, Xander smiled. "Too bad she wasn't there at the time."

The thought of the petite redhead in full fury prompted a grin on the face of the vampire as well. "I've learned to steer clear of her when she's in one of her moods."

"Wait -- You're in contact with Willow? How is she? I haven't talked to her since, wow, it's been four years." Four years without a best friend? How had he managed that one?

Oh, boy. Not something he should be hearing from anyone other than Willow herself. "She's fine." Better than fine, he added silently. "But that's not what I need to talk about. You wanted to know why I did this. I've been trying to figure that out. All I know is that it seemed like the right thing to do. Not a sense of duty thing. Fate, like there was no other option." He sat on the edge of the couch, wishing he dared to sit closer to Xander but afraid any such attempt would send the human fleeing without a second thought. "I just... I don't know. Here's where the speech falls apart. The part where I tell you that I hired a detective to follow you after you fell out of touch with Willow. See, she and I had been talking about magick and Giles and all that stuff that she could have escaped if she had left Sunnydale but didn't because she felt a calling. Like she was a nun or something." He chuckled at the thought of Willow as a nun. Did not compute. "We helped each other with research and prophecies, and she told me what was going on with you. But then you stopped hanging out with her because you were busy with your girlfriend."

"Kim." A voice so quiet it was merely a breath. Sad eyes focused on an invisible spot on the floor. He had done what every normal guy did when they started dating. His world shrank to just two people, and his friends disappeared. No wonder he had no idea what Willow was doing.

An equally sad voice agreed with him. "Willow told me what she could -- her name, where she was from -- but that was about it. So I made Whistler help me. I'm not sure why. Maybe I needed to know that you were happy. Maybe I needed to know that you were unhappy. I've never been able to figure that one out. But I needed to know."

"That's it?" Xander shifted, moving closer to Angel, eyes remaining fixed to that same spot on the floor. It took all his self-control to not hurl himself into the larger man's arms. Pretend the past five years hadn't happened.

Angel glanced over, smiling inwardly when he noticed the gap between them narrowing. "Not exactly. I needed to know how you were, but I also needed to make sure you would be okay. In the future, I mean. So I set up that scholarship you won freshman year."

Xander's head jerked up at that bit of information. "I couldn't have kept going if it hadn't been for that scholarship."

"Yeah, I know." A pause while he tried to figure out the best way to explain his actions. "You just seemed happy in college. I wanted you to stay that happy. And have a chance at a future. Cordelia told me about the prom dress you bought for her. That gave me the idea. The fact that it automatically renewed if you kept a certain grade point was Cordy's idea. She said it made it not just a handout or meaningless charity. The fact that you had to work for it made it okay. The same with the job." If he had been able to, he would have held his breath waiting for Xander's response to that. "I knew you could do it. You just didn't even *try* for anything. You needed a push. It's like that saying, 'Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll eat forever.' You just didn't know how to fish." His right thumb worried the heel of his left hand. "But I don't want to talk about that now. I want to talk about those drool machines next door."

Heavy sigh. "Yeah, since they're the reason I'm here, we might as well."

Angel stood again, resuming his pacing, clenching and unclenching his hands. Finally he stopped near the spot that held Xander's attention, thankful that young eyes were firmly held in place, that those eyes weren't searching out hidden meanings in his face. There weren't any, but it would still distract attention from the words. Not to mention absolutely demolish his determination to get them out before he changed his mind. "You know, I've been rehearsing this for five years, and this part always sounds fake and corny. I love you, Xander. If I ruled the universe, you would never be hurt. The only emotions you would know would be joy, love, and peace. So since I can't make sure that's all you feel, I'm trying to give you *something* that will help. If they were with you, those babies would mean the world to you. I don't even care if I'm in your life." The last sentence was a lie. It mattered more than either would admit. "That's why I insisted that Kim tell you about them. And why I wanted you to have a chance to raise them."

"You've thought about it? About me? Well, obviously you have, if you're hiring detectives and adopting kids *I* didn't even know about."

The voice held no animosity, but the words still stung. "I've thought about you every day. If I hadn't held on to some shred of hope of seeing you again, I don't know what I would have done. It kept me sane." He turned his gaze to Xander, seeing not confusion or pain but pure wonder. "What, can't you believe that someone would do that?"

Now the pain, eyes back on the floor. "No. Cordelia was just being nice when she said that stuff." He sighed. "I can't be their father, Angel. They need someone that can show them what love looks like. I'm sure Cordy's told you all about my own lovely home life."

"Oh." Wonderful, *brilliant* response. "That's why we need you." He again sat on the couch, this time inches from the mortal, intertwining their fingers. "*I* need you. You've been a major factor in fights to save the world. Buffy couldn't have done it without you. You've faced more demons than Stephen King has written about. You're strong. Hey, you made it through life with your parents in Sunnydale. That alone says something. You can show those two kids what it means to overcome all the crap you went through. You're not the same kid you were when I met you. You would be a great father. You know how much that stuff hurts, and you could never make anyone else go through the same thing. And I'm going to be selfish now. I know I said that I don't care if I'm in your life. I lied. That's the only thing I want." Oh, gee, let's see how pathetic he could sound. Maybe he should have just started with the begging.

Xander reclaimed his hands. He carefully studied them, making sure all fingers and thumbs were intact. He had made his decision before he even walked in the room, but he wanted to see how long -- and how well -- he could make Angel suffer.

The vampire broke the silence, desperately pleading, "Xander, if you could see them when Cordy sings to them --"

Mission accomplished. "Save it for later." He finally gave in to his earlier impulse, wrapping his arms around his former nemesis and speaking softly in his ear. "Right now, I have a job to quit and an apartment to pack up."

~~~~ the end ~~~~