Title: Like It's a Bad Thing

Author: meagan

Summary: Cordelia talks to Xander. Immediately follows "An Older Man."

Part of the Reversal series.

Distribution: Please ask.

Spoiler: None for the show. Otherwise, the whole Reversal series.

Rating: G/PGish

Disclaimer: Of *course* they belong to someone else. I could never come up with characters like this. Specifically, they belong to Mutant Enemy, Fox, WB, and anyone else I forget.

Notes: Oh, look! Here's the angst left out of "An Older Man."

Reversal 22: Like It's a Bad Thing
By meagan

"We're going to have to tell the kids."

Xander was silent for a long moment. "Would you believe I forgot about them?" He pressed his face to Angel's chest. "I'm the world's worst father. All I could think about was never seeing *you* again."

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

There was something odd about Angel's voice. Xander couldn't quite identify it at first, but it slowly dawned on him. Bitterness. "What are you talking about?"

Angel pulled away from Xander, leaving the bed to pace. "I've been thinking about things. About us." Now he turned to face Xander. "Why are you still here? Would you be here if I hadn't turned Cordelia for you? Would you be here if I hadn't followed you -- let's face it, I stalked you -- and adopted your kids?"

"Probably not." Xander's tone was icy. Each syllable hit Angel like a baseball bat striking his chest. "I'm tired. I need some rest." With that, he rolled away from Angel and pulled the blankets up to his chin.

Stunned, Angel could only watch Xander's still form. The centuries-old vampire couldn't even convince his feet to move him out the door. Finally, many excruciating seconds later, they propelled him back out to where Cordelia was waiting.

"Hey, so how did it go? I *am* his sire or whatever the female version is called, so I need to make sure he's okay, right?"

"He's fine, Cordy."

She glared at him. Oops. Maybe that hard, stern tone wasn't the right one to use with her, even if it *was* coming from her own sire. "Really. I think I'll go have a little chat with him anyway. As a friend, if nothing else."

~~~

She found him curled under the blankets at the foot of the bed, like a pile of laundry shoved under the covers in a child's very poor attempt to avoid putting it away. Carefully, she sat on the edge of the bed. "Xander? Can we talk?" When he didn't answer, she lifted the blankets and crawled under them to join him. She didn't say anything else, but she did wrap her arms around his still body.

Finally, he moved, hugging her and resting his head on her shoulder like a tired child cuddling with his mother. She slowly began rocking in what she hoped was a soothing manner.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He shook his head. "Okay." She gently stroked his hair, trying to figure out what to do next. "Do you want me to tell him to go home for now?" No response. "You know he's not going to leave unless you tell him to, right?" Now she got a response. A shrug. Not much, but at least it was *something*. "And you know *I'm* not going to leave until I get some answers, right?" The arms tightened around her. If the reason for his embrace wasn't as depressing as it was, she would have smiled.

Finally, he spoke. "I'm sorry, Cor."

"About what?"

Her complete and honest confusion pushed a little of the guilt away. Just a tiny bit. "If I hadn't asked Angel to change you, maybe you could have had a family. Kids."

She shook her head. "Nope. Wouldn't have happened. If you two hadn't been there after graduation, I would have died. Period. Angel wouldn't have turned me if you hadn't been there, and if he hadn't been there, that would have been the end of me. We wouldn't be sitting here having this conversation. Besides, let's face it. I was a self-centered twit. Children would have meant weight gain and pain, and heaven forbid the glorious Cordelia Chase get stretch marks." She smiled. "Besides, I like being Auntie Cordy much better. Young minds ripe for my teachings but none of that responsibility thing involved in actual parenting. I can show that little girl of yours how to put on makeup. And that son of yours? He reminds me of you. *Someone* has to teach him how to dress." She was rewarded with a small smile. It wasn't much, but it was better than nothing. They were both aware that the only reason she was talking about clothes and makeup was because she was trying to lighten the mood.

He didn't say anything for a long time, absorbing her words. "Why did he say that, Cordy?"

"Um, not in on that conversation." She caught herself slipping back into the old personality she wore in high school. The one she didn't like. Deliberately, she softened her tone. "What did he say, sweetie?"

That last word garnered her a half-smile. "I said that I was afraid I would never see him again. He said, 'You say that like it's a bad thing.'"

She silently groaned. Angel was *so* going to pay for this. Of all people, he should know about the rollercoaster of emotions going on for Xander right now. It was a good thing she was here for him. For both of them. "Let me tell you a little something about Angel. I'm really surprised you haven't figured this out for yourself, but then you're not as distanced from him as I am. He's convinced that you will some day get tired of him and leave him. When he says stuff like that --" Once again, Xander tensed in her arms. "-- it's because he needs to hear you tell him that's not going to happen." When he didn't respond, she knew there was more. "And what else did he say?"

Now he pulled away from her and curled up in a ball again. "That he had been thinking. He wanted to know if I would be here -- if he and I would be together -- if he hadn't turned you and hadn't adopted my kids."

"And you said..."

"Probably not." He sighed. "And then I told him I was tired. And you know the rest."

"Yeah." She attempted to pull her hair back, but her motions were restricted by the blankets. "Xander, do you mind of we get out of this cave thing you have going on here?"

"Oh. Sorry. I forgot." Once they were out of the cocoon, he again rested his head on her shoulder. "So what do you think? Has this surpassed all of my other mistakes yet?"

She kissed the top of his head. "No. You're having a very normal reaction to some very bizarre events. After all, how many other men do you know who were turned into a vampire by their ex-girlfriend? And how many guys do you know whose husbands are the vampires who turned their ex-girlfriends -- at their own request, no less? And on top of that, you have the whole death thing going, not to mention all of the guilt that you've stored up over the years, crashing down on you all at once." He looked at her in surprise. "How do I know?" He nodded. "Remember, been there, done that. Anyway, you're just, well, freaking out a bit. You'll get better. I promise."

"And what if I don't?"

"No 'what ifs.' They aren't allowed. And I'll be here with you. It's different to get used to this thing when you have your soul from the beginning than when a normal vampire gets created, and I don't think there are any others like us -- you and me -- out there." She studied his face for a few seconds. "You need to feed. I'll be right back."

"No, Cor --" Before he could finish his protest, she was out the door. Great. Now would be the time that Angel would pick to burst through the door, demanding an explanation.

And then Xander realized something. He could hear Cordelia and Angel through the door. Great. If he could hear Angel, that would mean that Angel could hear him. Then he actually *listened* to the words. "Is he going to be okay?" Angel.

"Yeah. He just needs a little time." Cordelia.

Several long moments passed, saved from silence only because of the opening of cupboard, refrigerator, and microwave doors, then the humming and beeping of the microwave. Finally... "I need him, Cordy." Now a different emotion was coloring Angel's voice. Sadness? Desperation? Longing? Some fuzzy combination of the three? Whatever it was, Xander felt a vaguely happy feeling. *He* was the source of Angel's pain.

Cordelia sighed. "I know." A soft swishing of fabrics rubbing against each other. He realized he was actually hearing a hug in another room. "Just... Go back home?" At those words, he felt his stomach drop. He realized that was the one thing he knew he did not want.

He closed his eyes. "Angel." The word was out of his mouth before he even realized he was speaking. He could somehow *see* Angel, shoulders slumped while talking to Cordelia but suddenly straighten when Xander said his name.

"Cordelia, can you go back and talk to him for a while? I don't think I should leave." Xander felt his whole body relax at that statement. He hadn't realized he was still tense until that moment. "But I don't think I should go in there yet."

It was very strange to be in the bedroom, able to hear the whole conversation and knowing it was all about him but not actually participating in it. Strange but comforting. And vaguely familiar. He heard Cordelia agree with Angel before she opened the microwave and returned to the bedroom. Once she was back, she closed the door behind her before climbing back into bed with him and handing him a cup, holding a second. "I know, it's not hot apple cider, but you get used to it."

The first few sips were very strange -- thick and vaguely metallic, not to mention the fact that he was actually *drinking blood* -- but after that, it seemed normal. His body's calm acceptance of the fluid made him a bit uneasy. This was it. He was really, truly a vampire. On the up side, he had solid support in the form of Cordelia. And Angel. "Could you go get him for me? But don't *leave* leave. Come back in five minutes."

She shook her head. "One more cup of this stuff. Then I'll get him." As she watched him eagerly drain the second cup, she smiled. He was like a child who had been told that he could go play with his friends just as soon as he finished drinking his milk. Finally, he finished and handed her the empty cup with a flourish. Yep, just like a child. She couldn't resist kissing his forehead again and ruffling his hair before she went to retrieve Angel. "Five minutes. He's all yours."

Neither man was quite sure who she was addressing, but it didn't matter. Xander broke the uneasy silence. "I guess we're going to have to work on communication some more."

"Yeah." Nervously, Angel sat on the edge of the bed. "Are you okay?"

Xander nodded, settling back against the pile of pillows at the head of the bed. "But I think I need to say a few things. And you can't say anything until I'm done." Angel nodded in agreement. "Good. First, get up here with me." Angel obeyed. Almost. He settled on top of the blankets, carefully staying on one side of the bed. "Angel, do you want to be there, or do you want to be with me?"

"With you. Always with you."

The answer was such classic Angel that Xander had to smile. "Well, that's good, but that's not quite what I meant." A slightly sheepish Angel moved to sit next to Xander at the head of the bed. "And what I said earlier -- about how we probably wouldn't be here if you hadn't changed Cordy or adopted the twins -- I don't think that came out like I meant, either. If you hadn't turned Cordy, there wouldn't have been any reason for me to visit you guys in Los Angeles. If you hadn't followed my life and taken care of my kids, we wouldn't have met again, and I don't even want to *think* about where I would be now. Or where they would be." He casually draped one arm across Angel's shoulders. "Let's face it. I am your density."

Angel's expression grew confused. "'Density?' Don't you mean 'destiny?'"

"No." Now Xander's face fell into an expression Angel was familiar with. A grin he was trying to hide. He had a secret, and he wasn't ready to share with Angel quite yet. Finally, Xander relented. "You know. _Back to the Future_. George McFly. We watched it over and over when the kids had chicken pox that winter."

"Yeah. Now I remember." His mouth quirked into a small grin. "I also remember that was the week you got that stomach flu and ended up in even worse pain than the kids. You went through a lot of peppermint tea and hot water bottles. On the up side, you also kicked that nasty coffee addiction you had."

"And you just kept bringing us tea, books, and movies. Even after I threw up on your shoes. You stayed even though I refused to watch anything except that one movie for two solid days. And I still can't believe how patient you were with those two. I know I was a holy terror when I had chicken pox." Several long seconds of silence passed before Xander spoke again. "I'm sorry about before, Angel. It's just that this is all so weird. Before, you would have been stuck with me for another forty years or so. Now it's forever."

Angel spent several seconds debating whether to say the next sentence that popped into his mind. Finally, he decided he might as well go for it. "You say that like it's a bad thing." He sighed. "Look, I don't want you to stay with me just because you feel like you're obligated or owe me anything."

But the bitterness was gone, replaced by sadness and resignation. Xander remembered what Cordelia had said about Angel needing reassurance. "Sorry. You're not that lucky. You will have to be the one to leave. I'm not going anywhere."

"Promise?" Xander nodded.

Cordelia opened the door. "Time's up." Much to her relief, the atmosphere in the room was not the same as when she had left. Carefully, she sat down on the bed next to Xander. "Are you okay?"

He smiled. "Yes, Mom." She beamed at that name. "Would you care to join us?"

"You mean in bed with you two?" He nodded. "I don't know. Won't it be kind of weird?"

"No more weird than anything else that's happened today." Angel motioned her closer. "Come on. Climb on in."

She obeyed, settling in on the other side of Xander. "Um, could we not sit? I mean, why be in a bed if you're not going to stretch out?"

The two males complied. Xander couldn't resist a smirk and a comment. "Hey, I always knew I'd eventually get you into bed, Cordy."

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, *that* was in no way predictable." Now they all shifted so Xander was curled around Cordelia, and Angel was wrapped around Xander. "This is nice. I mean, family-nice. Not first-step-before-an-orgy nice." Xander nodded absently. She turned her gaze to him just in time to see tears trail down his face. "Xan? Are you okay?"

He nodded. "I'm thirty-five years old and a vampire, and I finally have a mommy. Doesn't that seem wrong?"

"Yeah. It is." Angel tightened his arms around Xander. "But it's better than never, right?"

~~~ the end ~~~