Title: Round And Round

Author: Xandria

Rating: NC 17+ m/m

Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Pairings: Xander/Angelus

Spoilers: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered

Warning: nonconsensual, rape, bloodletting, suicide issues, and child abuse

Summary: Spike and Drusilla give Angelus a birthday present. When Angel returns from Hell Xander has to deal with what Angelus has done.

Feedback: Yes

Archive: yes

Note: A possible reason Xander didn't tell Buffy about the soul restoration spell. The Scooby gang finds out about Angel returning from Hell. Written before seeing the actual episode. I wrote this when I was depressed in sympathy with my best friend who had some big problems at the time.

// means thoughts.

Disclaimer: All the characters are Joss Wheldon's, Mutant Enemy, etc. I have never owned them either now or in the past. I am, however, borrowing them for my own evil purposes. This is what happens when I get angry.

ROUND AND ROUND

By Xandria

Now

The Scooby Gang were siting at a table at the Bronze when Buffy turned up.

"Hey guys! Guess who's here?" she chirped.

"The King? Yay! Elvis is alive and gonna perform tonight at the Bronze." Xander said, with a large smile.

"Xander, that is so stupid! As if Elvis would ever turn up in Sunnydale either alive or dead" Cordelia sneered. Xander opened his mouth to reply when he stopped dead on seeing who was walking up behind the Slayer.

"Angel's back. Isn't it wonderful?" she sighed as a stunned silence fell over the group. Then everyone as talking at once, arguing, exclaiming. Xander stayed silent as they spoke, then got up suddenly and slipped outside, only noticed by two pairs of eyes that watched as he almost stumbled before leaving.

In the alley outside, Xander bent over as he tried to get his breath. //Okay , concentrate, deep, even, breaths, Why did he have to come back? How can I go on if he...no, just breath, c'mon, in, out, in, out, It's not fair, I was getting over it...in, out, in, out, in...concentrate, you worthless piece of shit...don't let them see how it gets to you...in, out, in, out, damn....// He fell on his knees, arms wrapped around himself as he shuddered.

"Xander!" he looked up to see Willow running towards him as everything went dark.

*****************

Then {Eight months earlier}

"Bye guys" he yelled into the library behind him as he walked out. //Boy am I beat! It seems as if every week a new Hellmouthy crisis appears. Be nice to have a break from that.// He yawned as he headed out of the highschool towards his home.

Twenty minutes later he reached his house, heading to the back door as his father had made it clear that it was for show only, not for someone like Xander. Entering in through the back gate, he looked at the high brick walls and shook his head at his father's paranoia.

//Oh yeah, I bet it really upsets the NSA or FBI that they can't see our back rooms. If he wanted no one to pay attention he should have had the place sound proofed as well.// Xander stopped suddenly when something moved in the shadows.

"Hello Pretty Boy" Drusilla stood by the back door, watching him. Xander started to slowly back away as he looked at her with wide, frightened eyes. //I really wish the fence was a little lower. I think I could quite easily jump my own height. And why is she here? //

"Um...hi Dru. How are you?" //Good one, Harris.//

"We were interrupted the other night. Miss Edith doesn't like that." Drusilla began to move forward.

"I'm sorry to hear that" Xander said as he moved a little faster backwards. He yelped as he walked into a body behind him and spun around to see Spike grinning at him.

"Hello mate." Xander moved away from him until he realised he was heading back towards Drusilla and froze between them.

"Spike. So, what can I do the two of you?" //Just great, stupid. Cut your throat for them while you're at it. It's not as if any one would care if died.// Xander moved away from the two of them to the side, then froze again when he felt the wall behind him.

He placed his palms on the bricks and moved them around as if hoping to find a secret entry. Spike smiled and Drusilla giggled as they came at him suddenly, tying and gagging him before he could do anything else. //Bugger//

"You don't have to do anything, mate. You are the thing." Spike said as he picked the boy up and placed him on his shoulder. Drusilla ran her fingers up and down the boy's face a he hung there.

"Can I play a game with him? I think he would be fun to play games with, Spike."

"Not now, Pet. Maybe later. He's not your prezzie, remember?"

***************

Now

"What happened?"

He woke up to find himself being held in a pair of strong arms.

"I'm not sure. He was outside, on his knees, and he passed out. He used to have these panic attacks when we were kids, but not lately. I think he may have just had one then." Listening to Willow speak he felt safe and his eyes began to open.

"He's awake. What happened, Xander? Did something attack you just before Willow came out?"

"What? No." he said slowly. There was Buffy, Willow, Oz, Cordy.

//Something's not right here//

"Do you feel sick? Do you want to go home or to the hospital?"

//Cordy. No, I remember. He's back!//

Xander began to sit up and the arms holding him tightened, not letting him move as he began to struggle, starting to panic again.

"Let go!" he screamed. The arms loosened and he scrambled up to face Angel, eyes wild and chest heaving as he tried to breath again. The Scooby gang stood there stunned at his reaction. Angel moved his hand forward and Xander flinched from it.

"Xander." He began to back away from him, shaking his head as tears started to run down his face.

"Xander, he has his soul back."

"You stay away from me!" he choked out before running off. The astonished Scooby gang heard sobs as he ran.

"I knew he didn't like him but that was utterly over the top. What are people going to think?!" Cordy exclaimed. Buffy shook her head in astonishment, staring at the street Xander had run down.

"What brought that on?" Angel looked at his feet and Willow stared at Angel. He looked up to see her staring and looked away guiltily. Her eyes narrowed in thought.

*******************

Then

"Happy birthday Daddy" Drusilla said as Spike carried Xander in and put him on the floor at Angelus's feet.

"Yeah. Cheers mate." Spike added, lighting a cigarette. The elder vampire crouched down beside the boy, a large smile on his face.

"I love it. And gift wrapped too." Xander glared at them all as Angelus pulled him up to a sitting position. He kept a hold of the boy's neck as he leant in close and whispered in his ear.

"Should I unwrap you carefully or just rip it all off?" the boys eyes widened and he tried to move back. Angelus moved his hand down and cupped his groin area, laughing as the boy tried to move him off.

"Mmmph!" //What the hell?! This is not happening.//

"You're so right. Just rip it all off." Angelus pressed down harder and the boy stiffened in pain.

"Mmmph!" //Get away! I don't like this. No. Not a bit.//

"He's never made so much sense before. Thank you, children. I am really going to enjoy this." He stood and lifted the struggling boy, placing him over his shoulder like Spike had done.

In his bedroom he tossed the boy over to his bed, a large four poster king size. Then he locked the door and dimmed the lights, humming all the while as he took a black velvet bag out of a chest by the bed. He lay down on his side by the boy, waving a knife over his body.

"Should I cut here or here? Or maybe here? What do you think?" Angelus laid the knife blade down on the boy cheek as he asked him.

"Mmmph!" //This is sick! I really, really am not liking this!//

"Yes, right here. He pointed the knife straight down so it was aimed a he boy's chest. Lowering it until the blade began to penetrate the skin. //Bugger. Buggerbuggerbugger. Oh shit!// Xander froze and his eyes widened as he stared at the blade.

"Now if you stay still, just like that, I won't go any further, now or later. I won't kill you unless you give me trouble. Just behave. So. What do you say?" Angelus stared at the boy.

Slowly, Xander nodded, breathing a sigh of relief when the knife came out. Laughing, Angelus pressed the knife to his lips and kissed the blood off of it.

"A blood oath then." The vampire then moved the knife up to catch under the boy's collar, moving it down to bare the skin underneath.

//Not happening. I am not here. I am not on my back on his bed. Angelus is not using a knife to undress me and I did not agree to behave. I'm just having a really bad dream . That's it. I want to wake up now. Please?//

The vampire pressed the blade down lightly as he ran it down the skin, causing a thin line of blood to rise up. He lowered his head and licked it, tasting.

"Not bad. For a mouthy little bastard your blood is really...tasty!"

//Oh yeah. He's as loopy as Dru. Ow!//

Angelus grabbed the boy suddenly and flipped him over to his stomach, before cutting the ropes that tied his wrists together. Xander moved them underneath himself and started to lift himself up but fell down again as the vampire roughly pulled his shirt off of him.

The boy swung his arms to try and hit the vampire as he grabbed one wrist then the other and held them both easily in one hand. With the other he reached into the bag and pulled out a long thin strip of leather he then used to retie Xander's hands together in front of him. There was some length remaining which he then used to tie to a metal ring embedded to the head of the bed.

"Mmmph!" //This is so not good!// Xander pulled at the ring desperately, trying to loosen it, as he moved about. Angelus laughed.

"I like the way you move, Harris. Do you dance as well?" He froze and glared at the vampire with tear bright eyes. The vampire rested a hand almost gently on his cheek. Xander jerked away and the vampires eyes darkened. //Don't you touch me! Touching is not good!//

"Mmmph!" Angelus laughed suddenly again.

"I should have gagged you a long time ago." He took the knife out and flipped Xander onto his back, his arms stretched above him as the vampire grabbed his feet. He used the knife to ease off each shoe then sock, throwing each item to the floor.

Angelus then moved up to the boys waist, undoing his belt before using his knife again to undo each button on the boy's fly. Xander kept very still. //Don't slip. Don't slip. Oh bugger. I want to wake up from this nightmare!//

Angelus pulled Xander's jeans down as far as the ropes would let him before sitting on the boy's thighs, his back to him as he did so. He moved his knife down and cut through it all, the rope, the jeans, and a little bit of the flesh underneath as well. Angelus lay down and tossed away the scraps of fabric and rope before running his mouth along the cuts on Xander's legs.

Suddenly the vampire twisted around until he was facing the boy, and then put his head on his hands as they rested in turn on Xander's chest. He looked into Xander's eyes and he stared back.

"I like this game. I like it a lot. You are very responsive. That's important, see, because then I know how far to go. Oh don't worry, Harris, I'm not going to kill you or turn you, not my birthday present. No, I think I'll keep you." Xander pulled at this wrists in a panic, leather rubbing against flesh and causing blood to flow.

Angelus laughed as he sat up and began to unbutton his shirt.

*************

Now

Xander sat at the table and swallowed some pills before drinking from a bottle of vodka.

//If I drink enough of this with the pills I won't have to think any more. I can just sleep and not think. Thinking hurts, 'cause then I'd remember. I don't want to remember. Oh yeah, better take some pills to help me sleep.//

He opened up a bottle of sedatives and poured out a handful before swallowing a mouthful, washing it down with more vodka. Someone knocked on the door and he jumped, knocking pills everywhere. Hastily scooping them up, he shoved them into his pocket as he went to open the door.

It was Angel and the boy slammed the door in his face. He went back to the bottle and upended it, drinking more. Angel knocked on the door again

"Xander, please, we have to talk..." More knocking.

"Xander.."

"Get lost, Bloodbreath! WE don't have to do anything!" He swallowed more vodka as the knocking on his door continued. After a few minutes Xander opened the door and stared at Angel before leaving him to stare back though it as Xander went further inside.

He ran out with a stake and weakly tried to hit Angel in the chest as he started to cry again. Angel gently moved the stake out of his hands as he stood there, letting the boy cry on him. He put his arms around the boy, loosely holding him.

Xander stiffened and his breathing quickened as he straightened up. Angel let his arms fall down as Xander moved back, before running in and slamming the door again.

"Xander, let me in!"

"No!" // No no no no, this is not happening. It never happened, I just had a bad dream, that's all, and Deadboy reminded me of it, that's all. All these bad dreams. How can I make them go away? No, wait, how did these pills get in here? Oh yeah, I dropped them. Sleeping pills. I know! If I take the pills to help me sleep I won't have any nightmares. Sleep. Endless sleep. No more memories, no more bad things happening that didn't happen, no more dreams. //

Xander moved the pills up to his mouth and swallowed them. He ignored the continuos knocking on his door as he grabbed the bottle of vodka and lay down on the couch.

****************

Then

Throwing his shirt away, Angelus picked the knife up and ran the blade down Xander's chest, drawing more blood. He looked at the line he had made and added another, then another, parallel to each other. He ran his hand down over the blood and smeared over the boy's chest before putting his hand in his mouth and licking the blood off.

"Tasty." Xander's eyes were wide open as he stared at Angelus, tears running down his eyes as he lay frozen under the larger man. The vampire drew another line down the boy's chest. Then he brought his head down suddenly and sucked his nipple, causing it to harden instantly. Angelus bit it, drawing blood, and Xander cried out in pain through his gag. Angelus laughed and did the same to his other nipple.

Xander pulled at his bonds, shaking his head as Angelus drew another line with the knife, going down past the chest and reaching his navel. Angelus licked his way down the line till he reached the end, then swirled his tongue around inside his navel.

He sat up then and got off the bed before taking off his jeans. Sitting back down on the bed he flipped Xander over onto his stomach again before moving him up until he rested on his knees.

//NO! this is not happening. Please let me wake up! Whatever I did I'm sorry!//

Angelus cut Xander's back with the knife, letting the blood run down rather than drink it. Then he spat on his hand and thrust a finger straight in.

"Mmmph! Mmmph!"

//NO! It hurts!...It really hurts. I'll see you in hell for this! If I ever get out of this I will. I do not want this!// Xander struggled wildly as Angelus laughed.

"I don't have to stretch you you know. I could just go straight in." Angelus roughly shoved another finger into the boy and he screamed again. He scissored the fingers apart for a minute before shoving another finger in.

//Hurts. It hurts. Hu..rts...can't breath...//

Xander slumped suddenly, unconscious, and Angelus swore.

"Oh no you don't, Harris. I want you to remember everything!" the vampire got off the bed and left the room. A few minutes later he came back and studied the boy. He put a glass down by the bed and sat on it, moving the boy onto his back again. He slapped the boy and he moaned. Angelus picked up the glass and threw the contents in his face. Xander jerked awake, eyes wide open to see Angelus looming above him.

"You know, I told you to behave yourself. I even prepare you instead of going in, and I was gonna do it from behind because it was your first time. But you have to be difficult, don't you?" Angelus knelt in front of the boy, between his legs. Xander turned his head to the side and shut his eyes. Angelus grabbed his chin and forced the boy to face him.

"No you don't Harris. If you want to live, you look at me. You look in my eyes and you don't take your eyes off them. Is that clear?" the boy nodded.

Angelus lifted the boy's legs up and put them over his shoulders. Then he moved in. Xander screamed again and his face contorted in pain.

//...no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no...//

The vampire thrust in and out, moaning in pleasure as he gripped Xander's hips. His hold tightened, causing the boy to cry out as strong fingers pressed down hard. Finally, Angelus roared out his pleasure as he came, before bending down and ripping open the boy's throat. Xander stared up at the ceiling as Angelus drank, hands pulling at the bonds again as he lay there.

//...no no no no no no. No more. No. that's it...//

The vampire sat up suddenly and left the room. Xander continued to lie there, blinking occasionally as he stared upwards. After a while he shakily pulled himself up a little and lay down on his side. He watched the wall for a few minutes more then pulled his knees up to his chest. Xander began to shake, and more tears ran down his face.

******

Now

When Giles heard about Xander's strange behavior the night before, he left the library and rushed over to the boy's flat. He let himself in with the key Xander had given him, and looked around. It was dark and the room smelt as if the boy had bathed in vodka.

"Xander?" Giles felt his way over to the light switch and turned it on. Xander lay on the sofa, cradling a bottle of vodka in his arms.

Giles went over to try and shook him but got no response. He sat the boy up and then stood him up, trying to get the boy to respond.

Eventually he managed to get the boy's arm over his shoulder and began walking around the room.

"You have to stop doing this. You don't want to become your parents."

They crashed into the table and Giles dropped Xander as he hit it.

Putting both hands on the table for support he picked up the bottle of pills. Then he checked the date.

"Oh dear." He picked up the phone and rang for an ambulance before picking the boy up and starting to walk him around the room again.

**************

Then

"Hello Pretty Boy." He woke up with a start and looked at Drusilla.

Tears ran down his face and she caught one on her finger before putting it in her mouth to taste it.

"Salty" She undid the leather that had tied him to the bed and sat the boy up. He huddled into her, sobbing through his gag, and she put her arms around him.

"Shh. Mummy's here. It's alright." She ran her hand up and down his back, gently, until he almost fell asleep. Drusilla moved him to the edge of the bed and began to dress him, using Angelus' clothes.

His wrists were still tied together and she went to undo them but stopped when he cried out in pain. So she buttoned one of Angelus's shirts over the top of him. Singing a nursery rhyme she next fetched a pair of Angelus' pants and gently put them on the boy. She finished with the shoes and smiled up at him. He smiled back slightly and she clapped.

"See? Mummy made it all better."

"What are you doing, Pet?" Spike asked from the doorway.

"Silly Spike. I'm playing dress up, of course. And now I'm going to take him to a tea party with Miss Edith. Doesn't he look like Daddy in his clothes? I like dress ups. And he looks so pretty in that colour."

"Come on, Dru. Angelus hasn't quite finished with him yet. You can play with him some more later. But right now, I've come to take you to get some dinner."

"Alright Spike." Spike and Dru left the room and Xander, his head down, lifted it after a minute and stared at the door.

//door...hurts...move xander. it hurts. // He stood up and slowly shuffled towards the door and leaned against it before going out.

Stumbling through the house he found a door going out. Staring at it he moved closer. It was ajar and he slipped through. Taking a deep breath, he started a painful jog away.

Drusilla moved out of the shadows to watch him before shutting the door properly.

"Bye Bye Xander."

******************

Now

"Come on Xander, don't do this to me. Not after all the hard work we've done." Xander moaned and his eyes fluttered before he went limp again.

The Englishman began to walk him around the room again, trying to move his limbs up and down, keeping him active.

"Come on, blast it! You can't give up now!" Xander moaned again and opened his eyes. This time they stayed open and he began to move a little of his own accord.

*****************

Then

Giles woke up with a start.

//Was I dreaming or did I just hear something? //

He frowned and turned over, sitting up when he heard another soft thump. Hearing a third one, he finally got up to see what was happening. Opening the door he just managed to catch a hold of Xander as he fell against him.

"Xander, what on earth are you doing up at this hour? Oh. Oh dear." He looked up at Giles, who drew in his breath sharply at the gag and the reddened eyes. Giles gently helped the sagging boy inside and on to his couch.

"Let's get this thing off you first," he picked at the gag until he could pull it down Xander's face. Xander leant against the Englishman and gasped, breathing in heavily through his mouth.

"Who did this?" Giles said. Xander huddled into him and began to sob.

Realising he wouldn't get any sense out of the boy, he laid him down on the couch.

"I'll be right back, Xander. I'm going to make you a cup of tea."

Giles entered his kitchen and stared at the kettle trying to figure things out. Looking back out into the lounge room he saw Xander was now rocking back and forth.

"Look, you'll make your self sick, Xander. Sit up and have a cup of tea. It's extra strong and has plenty of sugar for shock." The boy struggled awkwardly before sitting up and Giles only then noticed something was wrong. The shirt was buttoned over his arms. He reached forward and began to unbutton the shirt, noting it was silk as he did so. Xander sat there passively and didn't move, not even wincing away when one of his many bruises was touched.

Giles eyes widened at the cuts and bruises, and narrowed in fury at the sight of his wrists. Xander had numerous cuts all over his chest, interspersed with bruises. Xander's, wrists were tightly bound with leather and his hands were swollen. His wrists were bloody from where he had pulled at the bonds.

"What happened?" the boy huddled into the Englishman, shuddering, as tears ran down his face. Giles carefully placed an arm around him.

"Xander. Who did this?" Xander only cried more. Realizing he wouldn't get a coherent answer yet, Giles stood up. Xander clutched at him in a panic.

"I'm not going anywhere. I just have to go get a knife to cut those things off." Turning, he didn't notice the look of panic on the boy's face.

He went to the kitchen and rummaged in the drawer before finally finding what he needed. When he came back in Xander wasn't on the couch any longer. Looking around, the Watcher found him backed into a corner, staring at him with wide, frightened eyes.

"What are you doing down there? Come on, I have to cut them off."

Xander shook his head.

"No!"

"What do you mean, no?"

"No knife! Please don't use a knife! You'll cut me!"

"Xander, I won't cut you I..."

"Angelus did!"

"What?"

"When he cut my clothes off. He cut me too and then licked up the blood. You'll cut me!"

"No I wont. I need to use this..."

"No knife!" Xander said as Giles carefully came closer, stopping when he winced back.

"Xander..."

"No! nononononononononononononoo!" he placed his bound hands over his head and closed his eyes as he sat down suddenly. Giles lowered himself to the floor and drew closer.

"Please. Let me help. Why come here if you won't let me help you?"

Xander lifted his head up and stared at him.

"Giles. Don't cut me. Don't hurt me."

"Alright. This will hurt you a lot, though. And it will take a long time." He put the knife down and held out his hands. Xander placed his wrists in them and Giles began to pick at them.

Several hours later Giles finished wrapping the last bandage. Xander put his arms around his knees and looked down. He had said nothing since Giles had begun and it worried the Englishman.

Xander was always full of snappy comebacks, no matter the situation.

He was knocked down and got up again, every time. When Angelus attacked him it had taken away that spirit.

"Come on, its time to go." He said, standing up. Xander grabbed his leg and hung on.

"Where are we going? Why can't I stay here?"

"I have to take you to the hospital. You need more treatment and I can't do anymore, Xander. And we have to contact your parents, as well."

"Even if they weren't out of town again they wouldn't notice I was missing. And if I see a doctor then they'll, know. And if they know and the doctor knows then it really happened. And it didn't. Happen. Not at all. Nope." Xander let go of Giles leg and began to rock back and forth as he held his knees. He put his head down on top and shut his eyes.

"What did happen, Xander?" Giles said, a rougher accent beginning to take over his speech.

"Oh, it's Angelus' birthday. Guess what Spike and Drusilla thought would be a good present? And he said he wouldn't turn me or kill me. All I had to do was behave. I didn't know he meant that! He's supposed to like girls! What did I ever do that he'd want to...why was I the one..." his voice got softer and softer and Giles had to strain to hear.

"Did he...have relation's with you?"

"Oh, that's a way of putting it. Yeah, he did. Forced my legs open and then just pushed in. See, I fainted and he said I wasn't behaving anymore! I didn't do anything! Why are people always trying to hurt me when I didn't do anything? Why? Can you tell me that?" In a way, Giles was relieved Xander had gotten angry. It was better than apathy, surely.

"I don't know. I'm not sure I want to understand people who can do that, either. Look, you really do have to see a doctor."

"If you say so, Giles. But not tonight. Please? I really need to be somewhere safe tonight."

"Very well. But first thing tomorrow I'm taking you to the hospital."

He stood up again and Xander grabbed onto his leg.

"Don't leave me!"

"I'm not. Get up and come with me. All I'm going to do is get a blanket and pillow from my bedroom for the couch." Slowly, with help from Giles, Xander stood up and was helped into Giles bedroom.

"I thought I was sleeping on the couch?"

"No, I am. Lie down." The boy did and Giles gently placed a blanket on top of him. He turned to go and Xander spoke.

"Don't leave me alone. I'm always on my own. Please, this once, stay with me." Giles turned around and sat on the bed beside him.

"Ill sit beside you until you fall asleep. I won't leave you alone. Okay?"

"Kay" Xander mumbled as he relaxed. Soon he sighed deeply, breathing softly and regularly in sleep. Giles sat and watched him as he made plans regarding Angelus if he ever got the chance.

********************

Now

As Buffy danced with Angel in the Bronze they saw Willow rush in. She came up to them tears in her eyes.

"What is it? What's wrong?"

"Xander's in hospital. He overdosed. Oh Buffy, what if he dies?!"

"He tried to kill himself?! That's not Xander. Nothing ever seems to get him down."

"I'll give you a lift to the hospital."

"Thank you Angel."

They arrived to find Giles listening to a nurse.

"We pumped his stomach and he's recovering from that. However we did have to sedate him."

"Is that wise on an overdose?"

"We didn't have a choice. When he woke up he began screaming hysterically to be let out of the restraints."

"Restraints?"

"Standard policy on all suicides so they can't hurt them self further."

"Didn't you people read his medical history?! He was attacked several months ago and tied down. He had hysterics because he was in restraints!"

"It's standard policy on all suicides. The doctor decided to sedate him because he was beginning to disturb the other patients."

"What makes you think he was suicidal?"

"The level of drugs and alcohol in his body was enough to kill an elephant. And Mr Giles here brought in his prescription of sleeping pills. He only renewed it two days ago and it was empty."

"Since when does Xander need sleeping pills? And when was he attacked? Why didn't he tell me. Us. Giles?" They looked at him for answers as the nurse slipped away.

END PART FIVE