Title: Shattered Dance

Author: Caliadragon

Category: AU

Fandom: Buffy

Pairing: None

Spoilers: Current Season, 'Dirty Girls'

Rating: PG

Warnings: Angst, Mentions of Character Death

Archive: To any list I send it to, those with prior permission and BC

Series: Pt. 6 of the Dancer series

Summary: Buffy's Xander from Buffy's POV

Thank you to everyone at Xander Coddling for their support both on and off list. You words made me feel better. It is people like you that give writers the courage to write. Thank you also to those who heard about the flame from others and responded to me as well. And thank you to Ladycat, your words helped. Special thanks to Edi. You are a wonderful beta and friend.

Shattered Dance

By Caliadragon

I did this. This is my fault. Xander is broken because of me. Anya and Andrew are gone, and Xander is as well. I allowed myself to be swayed into pushing Xander away. I admit it wasn't too hard. I was tired, tired of death, tired of my failures. I forgot that I wasn't the only one tired. The
mission became everything and tore my family apart. I lost Giles to his strange new attitude. I pushed Spike away, because I can't love him the way that he needs. I do love him, but I think he's happier with Angel than he ever would be with me.

The last year has been so strange. Being brought back, losing Tara, Anya, then Andrew. It's like everything needed to shatter so that I could see. I can see now, now that it's too late. I see that Willow is getting stronger, that Dawn is growing up, and isn't it just weird that she's dating Connor. Dawn is dating the son of my ex-boyfriend, who is a vampire. That's just out there. Giles is with Wesley, and I am trying to forgive him for what he did with Spike.

Giles seems to be going back to the man I remembered and loved. The man who was a part of our lives before Glory came and Mom died. I can see sparks of his personality that have been missing these last few months. The quirks of humor and his English-isms, as Xander teasingly called them. The way he cleans his glasses when he's flustered or doesn't want to see what's going on around him.

The most painful thing I can see is Xander. I've seen the beauty and the laughter that shone in his eyes die. I've seen the almost burning intensity of his love die. When he told us all that he was involved with both Anya and Andrew, and that they were going to marry, I think I was the only one not surprised. Like I said, I can see now. They were like a beacon in the dark. Xander was the flame and they were the spark. Xander always shone brighter than everyone else, but when they came together, I have no words to describe how lovely and heart lightening it was.

I was a little jealous too. I have always loved Xander. I know I pretended to be un-attracted, but I think I fell in love with him from the beginning. The first time I met him, my heart beat a little faster and I felt happy. It was the way he looked at me. Like I was a normal girl and he wanted to make me laugh. He's made me laugh plenty since that first day.

I know you won't believe this, but I have only been really involved with three men in my life. Wood, Parker and all the others don't count. The three men that I allowed myself to truly love are the three men who had the most in common with Xander, or at least had some of Xander's traits in them. Some girls measure men against their fathers. I measure them by Xander.

Angel with his dark eyes and dark hair. Angel has that darkness that hides inside of Xander. No one wants to admit it, but it's there. Think of all of the times he's been possessed. Sure he's nice, but he's strong and dangerous too. Both Xander and Angel fight the good fight, and they have an intense need to help others. Though for different reasons.

Then there's Riley. Sweet, dedicated and loyal, he's like Xander in that way. They both want to love and protect those around them. Even if it means getting hurt themselves. They both have an amazing capacity to forgive. Though Xander is quicker to do so than Riley.

Then there's Spike. Of all of the three he's the most like Xander. Especially since the return of his soul. They both have the ability to cut you to ribbons with a well turned phrase. They have a great capacity to love, and insecurities that make it hard for them to believe that anyone would love them. They're stubborn, strong and loving. They're friends now. Both of them sat in the basement and talked for hours after Spike kept Caleb from taking Xander's eyes. We were all grateful that, though the eye was damaged for a while, Xander didn't lose it.

Unfortunately now all of those things I loved about Xander are gone. I can see why. When I looked at Xander, Anya and Andrew their love burned bright and scorched those around them. That fire and that love are gone now. I feel more lost now than I did when I was ripped from heaven. At least then I had Xander to act as my center. That's gone now and so is Xander.
Xander's lost and so am I.

The End