Sins Remember'd

by Xandria

What Dreams May Come 11

Fandom: BTVS Highlander and Star Trek

Summary: An alternate ending after Lover's Walk. Spike attacks Xander and kills him. Xander is an Immortal and goes away to be trained by Adam Pierson, an old friend of Giles. Xander is a half-human half vampire, enough to obey Spike as his Sire. Xander begins to train Paris and settle into a routine on Voyager. Xander breaks down after the Bothan's psychic assault and is dealing with that. He ends up kissing both Paris and Chakotay.

Rating: NC17+ m/m

Warning: noncon issues as Xander remembers his past.

Pairings: X/S X/D X/D/S X/his parents X/Rory Harris X/C X/P

Feedback: Does the Colonel serve chicken? Does Maccas serve beef? No wait...

Spoilers: Lovers Walk Graduation 1 and 2. Any of season one of Voyager.

Notes: I freely admit I know nothing about counseling whatsoever and am taking liberties by using my own ignorant common sense.

Disclaimer: They ain't mine, they were never mine, but the plot is mine and if you try to rip it off I will send my attack squad of rabid teddybears and my flock of Outer Mongolian Vampire Skunks after you!

Date: 1/10/00

What Dreams May Come 11: Sins Remember'd

by Xandria

I sat on the table in the library swinging my legs as I watched Giles pace up and down.

"Get off the table, Xander."

"Relax, G-man." I said as I sat down properly in a chair instead. "Where are the Slayers located?"

Since Buffy had died and Kendra had been activated there was more than just one in every generation. When Faith went into a coma another was activated, and then when she finally died another again. So nowadays the blurb goes in every generation there are three, yada yada yada.

A century ago I had hacked into the Watcher database to keep track of them. I set the program up so Giles could tell me all about it. I missed that when I left. I used it to see what other immortals were up to, not to mention Spike.

One of my best teachers taught me that. He who runs away lives to fight another day. Or, when in doubt, run! I'm not a coward, but I've had less hassles that way. And gotten away from Spikey boy, too.

"Justine is still in Australia. As you know, the Hellmouth on earth moved to the South of Australia in 2002 and has stayed there since. The radiation from those tests is still high there, of course, and there are many unhappy spirits as a result of the lies the government gave to the people when they were given their land back."

"I know this, Giles. What about the others?"

"Sadi is in France, fighting off an outbreak of vampirism while Leena is actually close by, on Bajor."

"So close? Isn't she the one who's been hunting Spike?" Spike had added a few notches to his belt, enough that the Watcher's Council had set one of their Slayers on a permanent hunt after him. It made it easier to keep track of him, but it also meant he'd added quite a few more notches by now. Last I heard he'd killed thirty-seven, or was it thirty-eight?

"Yes. Apparently she lost track of him but found a trace four days ago." Damn. Four days? Do I have time to pack or should I just get the hell out of Dodge?

"Okay. Any immortals near by?"

"No." Damn.

"Any sign of Adam or Duncan?" Please. I could do with their advice, I really could.

"I'm sorry, Xander." Damn it! Why did they have to go haring off without some way of contacting them?

Not even Amanda had been able to find a hint of where they had gone.

"Thanks, G-man. Computer, end program."

"Working." I was left standing in the holosuite at DS7, staring at the gridlines. Now what? Did I have time or should I just wait, or what? Another saying of my teacher was if you couldn't run then do anything to save your self. Death before dishonour was stupid and a saying he had only meant as a joke. Thing is, I'm never sure when he is joking with these little origin stories.

I walked out quickly, heading for my quarters. It was time to go. Should I go to the ship or to my quarters? Some break this was turning out to be. And I think bitter thoughts about my cell leader. {Go take it easy for a while, Alex. A long mission is ahead of you in a few weeks so why don't you go and relax?} Yeah right.

My Sire's right close and I can relax?

I walked into my quarters and headed to my bedroom to pack.

"Lights" I called then halted. Drusilla lay on the bed and I was both relieved and scared to see her. Relieved because it meant Spike would only play with me for a few days. Scared because sometimes she liked to join in. Being the plaything for a demon like Spike is so not good, but when an insane demon like Dru joins in then I may as well just go away until it's all over.

Except Drusilla can call me back from where I hide in my mind.

"Hello Alex. You have been a naughty boy haven't you?" she purred. I slowly backed away until a pair of arms suddenly wrapped themselves around me.

"Hi Dru. In what way do you think I've been a naughty boy?"

"You left me Pet. And then you joined this Maquis group. Do you know how hard it's been to track you because of that?"

"I believe in them, Spike. They're only trying to keep what is theirs." One hand came up and pulled at the neck of my shirt until it ripped. I winced at the tug on my neck, and again when he tilted my head to the side. Drusilla stood up and put her arms around me as well, game face moving down to my throat.

I shuddered as she began to drink, soon followed by Spike. And as my best friend, darkness, fell, I felt hands tugging at my pants....

*

I opened my eyes with a gasp and looked around wildly. I was on Voyager, thousands of light years away from Spike, or Drusilla. Chakotay had left me alone in my quarters to meditate. So I sat cross-legged on the floor in my quarters and tried to clear my mind. It had been working until I'd had a flashback.

Standing, I went to the replicator. Chocolate. Chocolate was always good. No. Damn, I was fasting.

Chakotay said I had to do that at first to get in the right frame of mind.

I got a large glass of water instead and gulped it down. And another. Then I went and splashed some cold water in my face and stared at myself in the mirror for a while.

"Okay Xander, time to get on with it."

I sat down and closed my eyes again, clearing my mind.

*

The whip came down on my back and I cried out. Gul Camaar whispered in my ear about how it would stop.

All I had to do was tell them who my contact was. I said nothing. I screamed, I cried out, but let no words pass my lips. It was only the fifth hour. At first there had been electric shocks but when that hadn't seemed to work he had decided to move on.

"Who is your contact?" The Gul asked again. I looked up at him and smiled. He came closer and I mustered up enough moisture to spit in his face. His face twisted in rage and he grabbed the whip off the one wielding it. It wasn't long until I fell unconscious.

I woke up with a gasp and sat up. The Cardassian in the corner turned around with surprise. Looking around I saw a pile of bodies, Human, Vulcan, even a Ferengi. The Cardassian had been working at a large furnace and looking closely I saw he had been putting the bodies in the fire. I stood up shakily and backed away against the corner as the Cardassian yelled something excitedly into a communicator.

Gul Camaar came in with a scowl on his face that changed when he saw me standing there.

"Well well. I do believe we have more things to discuss. Like how you seemed to die but are currently standing here in front of me. We have some scientists that will find you of some interest.

I snarled and leapt at him. Supernatural reflexes don't do much against an angry Cardassian when you haven't eaten for a few days though.

This time I woke up held down by a stasis field. Gul Camaar came into view.

"You keep what you want now. You don't have to talk at all. We aren't interested in that at all. Only in what secrets your body may have to hide." I started to scream again as he waved the doctor forward. He had this thing in his hand he was aiming at my eye and I couldn't shut it, couldn't move at all...

*

I opened my eyes. Again with the crummy memories? I got up and went to my couch, laying down on it.

Just then the door chimed and I moaned, putting a cushion over my face.

"Come in."

"I told you to meditate." It was Chakotay. I looked up at him.

"A bit hard when I keep having flashbacks."

"Ah. I guess it's time to do it then?"

"Wasn't I supposed to clear my head?"

"If you set your mind to it, and this is what happened, then you are ready." He unwrapped a piece of cloth to reveal his Akoonah. And we sat down cross-legged on the floor facing each other, both holding on to it.

"So now what?" I asked nervously.

"We close our eyes. You think of a quiet place, a safe place, and wait. The first creature you see will be your guide."

"Oh. Okay." I shut my eyes. I hope this worked. I need to speak to someone bad. I still had the Giles chip but I wanted more. A sentient being to confide in.

And suddenly I was in the library again.

Sunnydale High school library with it's books and the big oak table and the stairs. This was my safe place? I laughed. Of course it was.

"Naturally it is, child. This was the first place you ever felt safe with an adult. An adult who cared for you." I turned in surprise to look at the owner of the voice.

END PART 11