Strategies of Attack II: Training

by Xandria

Rating: NC17+ eventually

Fandom: Buffy / Hercules / Xena Crossover

Spoilers: None

Summary: Xander is transported back in time to ancient Greece. He is taught by Ares to fight, as he is his long lost half-mortal son that Hera sent away for safety. Xander manifests as a full god because the Chronus crystal that sent him back can do that to a direct descendant of one of the twelve.

Crossover: between Buffy and Hercules the Legendary journeys and Xena: Warrior Princess. I started thinking about how talented Xander is at the army stuff and I also wanted to see two of my favourite guys together. Xander and Joxer. Of course, Strife playing a part in this along with Ares is an added bonus.

Feedback: Yeah baby!

Archive: Yes. Let me know where though so I can go look

Notes: In Buffy it is after the third season and before the fourth. None of the gang have left to go on their various summer vacations yet and are all there. Strife did not die. I didn't see it so it didn't happen!

Disclaimers: Other people own them all (Sob!) They ain't mine, they were never mine, but the plot is mine and if you try to rip it off I will send my attack squad of rabid teddybears and my flock of Outer Mongolian Vampire Skunks after you! Thank you to everyone who discussed what Xander's future godhood could be.

Strategies of Attack II: Training

by Xandria

Sunnydale 1999

He was tall, with dark shoulder length hair that was tied back to reveal an earring in his right ear, and had a slight beard. He bent over the ground as if looking for something and exclaimed as he picked up a dagger before hiding it on his body. That's when they realised it was Xander. A taller Xander with broader shoulders. He wore black leather pants and boots, and a black velvet shirt. As well as the earring, he wore a silver pendant around his neck, both with the same symbol. A sword with a spider on the pommel, emblazoned on what looked like a shield.

Willow ran to hug him and he whirled around defensively, holding his sword out before seeing who it was. Then he sheathed it and pulled Willow in, squeezing her tight, until she squeaked.

"What are you guys doing here? I thought I'd have to go knocking on doors to find you!"

"Xander, how did you get back so fast?" Giles said.

"And where did you get that outfit? It looks like something Angel would wear. Or any other vampire. You're not one, are you?" Willow babbled. Xander laughed.

"Hardly, Will. And what do you mean, fast? I've been gone for a long time."

Xander looked at his old friends. They looked so young, even Giles. He had been through so much and now he was finally back with them.

"A long time?! What happened?! And how did you get back?" Buffy demanded. Xander smiled and let go of Willow to hug her as well. Then he hugged Oz and finally Giles.

"I missed you guys so much." He said as he held onto Giles. There was silence and he looked up to find them all staring at him. Buffy spoke.

"Who are you?"

"Xander! Who else?"

"Well there was that weird guy a few minutes ago and you are acting totally unlike yourself."

"Buffy, I am acting like myself. I just know who I am now. And what weird guy?"

"He wore leather with these metal zippers all over." Xander smiled suddenly.

"Zipper Lad. Did I win the bet?"

"Yes. I'm afraid you correctly predicted what Buffy would say."

"Wonderful! Do you know what this means?"

"No?"

"Several bet against me, but since I won me and Stri... Zipper Lad have made a really good profit!"

"Am I really that bad a friend?"

"No, Buff, it's just that you tend to be more concerned with other things. My uncle's a bit like that."

"Your Uncle Rory?"

"No. Another one."

It was the middle of the night and they lay in Strife's bed, in his temple. Xander was awake and watching Strife, still sleeping. His pale skin and muscular limbs tangled up with Xander's own slightly darker skin. His lover suddenly stretched and yawned before opening his eyes and smiling at the younger man. He reached for him and kissed him, his eyes glowing as he moved another hand down.

Xander stiffened and pulled away suddenly. Strife looked up, hurt in his eyes as the glow within their blueness dimmed slightly.

"What...?" Xander put a hand on his mouth.

"There's something you should know before we go any further. I'm not exactly new to this."

"Neither am I. But that's okay." Strife reached for Xander and he backed away.

"That's not what I meant. Umm, I like you, a lot, I could care for you too, ya know? But I've been hurt and..."

"Hey, I've been hurt too. Just 'cause I'm the God of Mischief doesn't make me any less likely to be that way."

"Physically." Strife stared at Xander, who was looking intently at the ceiling.

"Oh. Well, that's another thing we got in common, then." Xander looked over at him.

"I've only been with one other person, I thought we had this connection. Anyway, we did it, once, and then she tossed me out. And, she started acting strange and I offered to speak to her, thinking I could persuade her to talk. I'd only just started when Faith grabbed me and threw me on the bed. Then she straddled my body and began to strangle me. I blacked out and the next thing I knew I was being dressed by Angel. I don't know what happened, but I have a good idea 'cause I ached in the same places and smelt the same as I had the other time I did it."

"Ya know what sucks the most? At least if ya remembered you could deal. But this way, not knowing, it hurts more." Xander stared at him."

"You really do know, don't you?"

"Yeah. Come here." Strife held his arms out.

"Don't you wanna...?"

"No. I just wanna hold you and not let go. That's what helped me before." Xander moved back to Strife and put his arms around him, carefully. Strife put his arms around Xander and squeezed him, tight. And they lay there together, tangled up in each other, before falling asleep again.

Opening his eyes, Xander smiled at the blue eyes that were watching him. About to say something, he stopped and frowned down at his stomach when it growled suddenly. Strife giggled and a tension Xander never even realised was there, lessened.

"Hey, whattaya expect? We have a fight, we have no dinner and then we have sex. I'm hungry!"

"Its not that, Xan. I was thinking what ta say, you open ya mouth and then there's this loud rumble."

"Whatever, what's for breakfast?"

"I wonder if you're related to Iolaus as well?" Strife muttered to himself as he conjured up some breakfast then watched Xander devour it.

"Dunno. Is he a demigod too? Or is he related to my Mom?"

"Dunno either. Could be fun finding out though."

"Cmon Strife, we have to get back and train."

"Excuse me, remember what we interrupted? Unc will let it go cause ya manifested and all, but let's just wait a bit before going back there okay?"

"Alright. But I wanna know what I can do!"

"Well, for one thing, you can do things like cause food ta appear. Go places, create fireballs, dress yaself..."

"I already can dress myself!"

"Duh. Make clothes appear like Unc did to you and Jox?"

"Oh yeah. So what else?"

"You'll be stronger now. And pick up things faster."

"Damn. Why couldn't I have manifested in time for the SATs? No wait, if I manifested then, I wouldn't have had to bother with them anyway."

"As I was saying" Strife glared at Xander, who grinned at him and crossed his eyes. "C'mon, Xan, I'm tryin' ta be serious here!"

"You? Never!" Strife glared at Xander, who crossed his eyes then stuck his tongue out as well. Strife giggled again.

"I nevah realized how annoying that was till Ya did that ta me. No wonder the other Gods get real pissed when I do it! Bugger this, Xan, lets go find out what Auto's up to."

"Hey yeah, he's that thief guy isn't he? I wonder what he's up to?"

"That's what we're about ta find out, Cuz." Strife took Xander's hand and they disappeared seconds before Ares appeared, his arm around Joxer's waist.

"Strife! Xander!"

"I don't think they're here, Ares."

"I'd better leave a message then. Zeus wants to discuss Xander's godhood with him."

"Oh. Aphrodite!" The mortal suddenly yelled.

"What did you call her for? What can she do?"

"What do you mean what can I do? Hi Studmuffin, how are you? Ares, I se you finally found a mortal who can keep up with you."

"Wait a minute, how would you know what Joxer can do?" Ares growled at her.

"Exsqueeze me? Love Goddess here! Who do you think they pray too, Cupid? Well actually, Cupid too, but the prayers I get from the men and women Joxie here has had sex with are just..."

"Dite!" Ares finally yelled, his patience at an end. She stopped and pouted at him for a minute before turning her back on him and addressing Joxer.

"So, Studmuffin, what did you want me for?"

"Do you know where Strife is?"

"Strife?! Oh yeah, he and Xan, such a nice boy, how he can be Ares son I don't know, but then Cupie is such a sweetie too..."

"Dite? Do you know where he is?"

"Oh yeah. Oooh, what did they do here last night? Nice, very nice. Yeah, they went looking for Autolycus."

"Auto? What do they want with him?"

"Wait a minute, how come you can keep track of Strife like that? And why does Joxer know you can?" Ares demanded.

"Are you blind? One, he's the God of Mischief, I want to know where he is at any time, especially after that time in Corinth. Two, Cupie had a bit of a crush on him for a while, before Psyche, and I definitely did not want to lose track of him then. Three,..."

"Psyche?! Did you do that?!"

"No, I didn't, but I was almost relieved when it distracted him from Strife! And I don't know about you, but the one good thing about that is Bliss, I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on him being born! Three, Joxie knows cause he and Cupid were together for a while and he came to me for comfort when they broke up. I kept him updated for a while on what they were up to while he was getting over him. And then he started to focus on the Bard."

"It was a rebound thing. And then I got so confused, so uncertain of myself...the things She said..." Joxer turned away suddenly and stared into the distance, holding his arms around himself.

"Oh Studmuffin...now see what you made me do! I hurt Joxie!" Aphrodite glared at Ares and then disappeared in a flash of hearts and glitter. Ares glared at the mess she left behind then turned to look at his lover and sighed.

Autolycus rode the horse he had stolen at a gallop, hoping it was fast enough. The horse suddenly disappeared, but he found himself sailing through the air at the same speed still.

"Aaargh." He yelled as a hand grabbed him by the collar and stopped him.

"Thanks. But how did you do that?" He looked up to see Strife, grinning maniacally at him. The kid was with him too, with a goofy smile on his face that was almost as scary as Strife's.

"I thought I told ya not ta go anywhere, Auto. Didn't I say that to him, Xan?"

"You did, Strife." Xander said, crossing his arms and resting them on Strife's shoulder as they both stared at the thief.

"Let go! You can't tell me what to do!" Strife dropped him and he fell, hard, on his behind.

"Hey Dude. God here. I can do what I like ta who I feel like doing it. And..." He was silenced suddenly when Cupid appeared, grabbing Autolycus.

"There you are! No one steals from me and gets away with it! I want it back, and I want it back now!" Cupid began to shake the mortal he spoke. His eyes were narrowed and at that instant both Xander and Strife could see his resemblance to Ares quite clearly. They looked at each other and stepped forward.

"Okay Feather Boy, what did he do to you?" Xander said. Cupid whirled around and glared at his brother, dropping Auto on his behind again. Auto began to crawl away but stopped when two boots appeared in front of him.

Looking up he saw tight brown leather trousers, topped by a fine white linen shirt. And on top of a very nice body he saw a familiar face, smiling at him. Auto shut his eyes and opened them again to see Ares was there as well.

"What do you mean what did he do? He stole the Arrow of Lust!" Cupid yelled as he advanced upon his younger brother, furious. Xander raised an eyebrow and smirked, which infuriated Cupid even more. He swung back and began to advance on Auto again, stopping when he saw Joxer. A look passed over his face, longing, regret. Ares frowned. Joxer was his now, and Cupid wasn't going to get him back!

"Chill, Dude. Ya got other's don't ya?" Strife said calmly. They all turned to look at him. He was sitting on a chair, his legs resting on a rock, with a mug of ale in his hand. With one accord, Cupid, Ares and Auto glared at him. Xander and Joxer both tried not to laugh.

"No I don't! This is the one Daddy Hephy made! It's the one that sets up all the others, so I keep it safe in my temple. In the wrong hands it could cause chaos. Remember Troy?! Aunt Eris stole it then and look what happened?"

"Wait a minute, I know this one. That was the golden apple!" Xander said.

"Nah, that was propaganda so mortals wouldn't come along and try to steal the arrow. So instead of an apple that Discord rolled into the meeting, she actually shot the arrow into Paris." Cupid said.

"What?! This thing is that dangerous?! Well you can have it back, then. My client said it was meant to be a joke." Autolycus said, digging a parcel urgently out of his bag.

"That don't let ya off that easily, Auto." Strife said.

"Or with me either." Cupid said. They turned and looked at one another, then with one accord back at Auto, who gulped and began to back away.

"Oh now wait a minute, fellas. I was just doing a job, you know? No hard feelings? Guys?" The God of Mischief and the God of Love advanced on the thief as Ares, Joxer and Xander watched.

"Ares, are they really gonna hurt him?" Joxer looked up at him.

"He'll think they are. They like Auto, Joxer, he's done a lot for both of them. Me, I like the trouble he's caused my brother and my daughter in the past, too."

"So he's supposed to look like me?" Xander demanded.

"Well he does, a bit."

"Do I get that look on my face too?"

"I've seen it once or twice."

"Great. Are you sure they aren't going to hurt him?"

"Pretty much." The two Gods both grabbed a hold of Auto and the King of Thieves shut his eyes. Opening his mouth Autolycus yelled.

"Dad!" Hermes appeared in a flash of green light, between Autolycus and the two gods.

"Hey dudes, what's happening? Hey Auto. Why are Cupes and Strife stalking you like that?" The King of Thieves shrugged and began to speak but Ares beat him to it.

"He got caught stealing the Arrow of Lust. And then he managed to piss off Strife as well."

"Damn. When will he learn? I told him not to steal from one of us, or at least to wait till I had time to teach him properly."

"Hermes, do you really want Auto to be able to steal from us and get away with it? He'd make off with half of Olympus to sell to Sal!"

"Yeah he would wouldn't he? That's my boy." The God of Thieves and Travelers said proudly. Xander tried to restrain himself as Ares growled in frustration.

"Yeah well, in the meantime, he did get caught. And Cupie and I have a little punishment to hand out ta him!"

"Hey hey, chill out, Strife. You're usually more easygoing than this. And Cupes, you aren't usually this angry at all."

"He dissed me!"

"It's the Arrow of Lust! Remember what happened last time?! I have to make an example of him!" Both young gods exclaimed at the same time. That was enough for Xander. He howled, bent over with laughter. Joxer was next, trying not to when he saw his lover's face. But he was weak.

Leaning against each other, they shrieked with laughter as they held on to each other and slowly sank to the ground. Finally, they managed to stop and looked up. Everyone was frozen, staring at them.

Ares was furious, and the others all had looks of outrage on their faces. Except Strife, who looked as if he was trying not to laugh now, and Hermes, who was definitely smiling. Auto was crawling carefully away from them all at a fast pace.

"Oh no you don't!" Xander said, waving a hand at him. Auto ended up swinging upside down from a tree, all tied up with a red ribbon in a large bow around his waist. That was enough for Strife, who ended up falling over with laughter as well.

Ares began to look as if he was in pain as he stared at Auto and then back to the look on Cupid's face.

"I wouldn't have done it that way!" Cupid sniffed.

"Hey guys, chill. I haven't had a chance ta show Xan anything much and he does this? C'mon, ya know tha most any of us can do at first is fireballs...unless they're gonna be onea the big ones."

"Point. I'll see if I can get Hecate to teach you then." Ares said.

"Why not 'Thena? She usually teaches us." Strife asked.

"Only those not of the twelve. Or those not strong enough. Hecate's the one with the strength to handle someone like my son!" Ares smiled in pride as he looked at Xander. Cupid sniffed again and glared at Xander.

"Cool dudes. I'll just be taking my son and..." Hermes waved his hand and Auto appeared in his arms, right side up this time.

"Not this time Hermes. Auto has to learn a lesson here!" Cupid said angrily.

"Dad, I don't understand. You were the one who appeared and told me what a good joke this would be."

"Nu uh. I haven't seen you since you stole my shoes with Iolaus. Which reminds me, next time son, just ask, okay? The message gig is bad enough without people stealing the transport."

"Yeah, sorry Dad. But who appeared looking like you?"

"Who cares?" Cupid snarled and with a wave of his hand changed Autolycus, King of Thieves, into a Statue. Whose eyes moved.

"Okay, this is way too much like high school for me!" Xander exclaimed, staring at the statue. As one, everyone else turned to look at him in surprise. "What? I grew up on a Hellmouth, guys! This one woman wanted to be young so did a spell to make herself that way by stealing her daughter's body, only she got put into a trophy instead. Same thing here! Except he's a guy and wasn't trying to be young at all."

Strife giggled again and Joxer snickered. Ares stared at them and then sat down on the ground, howling with laughter.

"Hey! Hey! Focus here, people! Cupid, you can't do that to Auto! Change him back!" Hermes glared at the God of Love, who glared back.

"I don't think so! He can't be allowed to get away with this, or everyone's gonna try and make off with my arrows!"

"Yeah, but isn't this a little harsh? He didn't know how serious this was."

"Right, and that'll stop him next time?"

"Cupe's right, Hermes. Auto's gotta be taught a lesson! But not a statue! How about this?" Strife waved his hands and Auto was changed from a statue into a live man. With bright pink hair all over. He looked at himself in horror and spoke.

"Strewth, Mate. That's a bit of a poor turn. Not nice at all, bloke! And what's with the bloody speech you bastard?" Auto spoke in a very high pitched voice and was obviously upset, though it was hard to understand him. Xander's eyes widened and he joined his father, now laughing even harder, on the ground.

"Nah, too silly." Cupid waved his hand and Auto looked normal again.

"Well what do you suggest, Cupe!" Strife glared at his cousin. Cupid smirked and they put their heads close together, looking at Auto from time to time as they did so.

"There's always the truth spell. He'd never be able to ever lie again."

"We could add that Cassandra girl's curse to it, then no one would ever believe him anyway."

"Hey! Convince him he's one of the other's you know? Like he thinks he's Jercules, and tries to help everyone."

"Nah, how about this! He tries ta do a job and everything he's trying ta use including his clothes, became invisible!"

"...and he starts to sing in a high pitched voice at the same time..."

"...and these really bright, like neon, signs start flashing saying Thief! And horns start sounding too..."

"...or we could make him irresistible to a certain kind, like Centaurs or Amazons and they'll follow him around, just ta be with him..."

They looked at each other and grinned, then looked at Autolycus, who was being held by his father as he tried desperately to get away.

"Chill, Auto. They're not really gonna do any of that. They like you."

"Why isn't that as reassuring as it should be?"

"Hey we could hit him with an ugly stick! Ya know, give him tails, a horn, and make him repulsive in tha face!"

"We could do all that!"

"Nah." They said in unison.

Joining hands, they motioned to Hermes and he stepped back. Raising their arms, the joined hands began to glow and a beam of light shot out and hit Autolycus, and he began to shine brightly. The light grew too bright, and everyone had to close their eyes.

Opening them a minute later, they saw what Cupid and Strife together had done to curse Auto, who looked down, screamed, then fainted.

"What did you do!" Hermes screamed, looking at his child.

"Chill Hermes, it was just a sex change, that's why the two of us did it. It'll be months before Auto can get his...her center of balance back and by then she should have learned to be more careful." Cupid said calmly.

"Are you nuts?! If you think any daughter of mine is going to go out thieving, and associating with the kind of people who work in that profession you must be mad!" Hermes declared, picking up his daughter and holding her protectively. Everyone stared at him in surprise.

"Hermes, dude, ya do realise you're tha God of them kind of people?"

"Yeah, that's why I know about this! Later dudes!" Hermes flashed out, taking the King...Queen? of Thieves with him.

"Who knew he'd be a protective Dad?"

"Hey it's different for daughters. Look at Dad and Harmony for example. It took Mom, me, and Granddad to get him to agree to her dating, and she was already a hundred or so by then!" Strife giggled and this time Cupid joined in and laughed with him.

"Oh, that was good, Cupe, think we should tell him about tha othah curse?"

"Nah, let them figure it out."

"Other curse?" Xander said, coming over and swinging an arm around Strife. Cupid frowned, good mood gone all of a sudden.

"Hey, he dissed tha both of us, he gets cursed twice."

"So what did you do to him?" Joxer called over from where he was sitting next to Ares, who still lay there, chuckling occasionally.

"Ya know Unc, ya really gotta learn ta relax more. This was Cupe's bit, thah curse is lifted when Auto gives in ta True Love ya know, meet his...her soulmate?"

"But if Auto's a woman..."

"That won't make any diff to J...his soulmate!"

"Wait a minute, you know who it is."

"Hello? God of Love here! Of course I know who it is!" There was a pause and they all looked at Cupid expectantly. "Hey, I'm not gonna a tell you! That's for them to figure out! Let's just say he's one of Strife's, which is why he knows, and leave it at that." Cupid flashed out, leaving a trail of blue hearts and stars behind him as he did so.

"What put him in a bad mood?"

"Who knows? Maybe he's moulting." Xander said with a smirk. Ever since he had arrived Cupid had had this attitude, and he had had enough. He didn't know what it was about, but he had tried to be friends...pity, really, he was really cute!

"Xander! That's evil! Well done dude!" Strife said with a grin. Ares looked at them and shuddered.

"And I told Strife to train my son?! What was I thinking?" Joxer smirked suddenly and whispered in Ares ear. The God of War grinned and stood up.

"So, Unc, sleep well?" Strife said, then giggled at the way Ares expression changed from satisfaction to fury.

END PART 5