Suffocating

Author: CaliaDragon

Fandom: Buffy

Category: Song Fic

Rating: PG

Warnings: Angst, pre-slash.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Joss owns the characters and Nickelback owns the song.

Archive: Any list I send it to, those with prior permission and BC.

Thanks to Edi for the beta.

Summary: Xander thinks about his life.

Feedback: On List or at caliadragon@myself.com

Pairing: None really.

AN: The song is Breathe by Nickleback

Spoilers: Post S7

Suffocating
by CaliaDragon

Two men
They started walking
Started talking bout better days
One says to the other
We do it all again
Seems I kne w I would

Xander looked over at Spike, glad that he had been assigned the blond vampire tonight. He wasn't sure he could handle the way that Buffy and the others looked at him. He remembered times in the past when he would have walked with both girls on his arm.

It was crazy, the way he always came back to them. They always swore they wouldn't forget him, but now that they were living on the new hellmouth, both girls had forgoten that he existed. Even Spike's miraculous return from the dead had netted little attention. Buffy had returned to her old attitude of hostility and denial where the blond and Xander were concerned. Xander hadn't really been surprised when it happened. Hell, he was used to it.

And now I found it
Found I got it
I didn't want this
Somebody help me see
Now I feel it
Feel like I've been there
I didn't need this
Somebody help me breathe

Somedays it felt as though he were seeing every thing in sharp, cutting detail. Words and memories digging into his heart and mind. Sometimes he woke up because of nightmares, remembering the words of the man who had taken his eye. He never asked for this, never wanted to see the things he was seeing now. Sometimes he felt as though he were losing his mind. Shadows flittered at the edge of his consciousness and he could see actions before they played out.

There were days when he felt as though he couldn't breathe. Since the destruction of good ole' Sunnydale and the loss of Anya. He knew that he wasn't the only one feeling this way. Andrew did, and so did Willow to a lesser extent. It was like he was suffocating and he couldn't figure out why.

Here we are again
Just face to facing
Each other another day
Who wins
Well who cares
It always ends up the same
Seems I knew I would

Xander was brought out of his musings by a group of fledges attacking. Quickly going through motions that w ere well played out, he and Spike waded into the vampires and soon they were the only ones left. Xander sighed and wondered when he stopped caring whether he won a fight. Every night, every week it was the same. Kill the vampire. Kill the demon. Research the newest big bad. Who cared? Not him. He knew they would win, but he would still have that suffocating feeling in him.


And now I found it
Found I got it
I didn't want this
Somebody help me see
And now I feel it
Feel that I've been there
I didn't need this
Would somebody help me stand
And now I've told them
Already warned them
I didn't want this
Somebody help me breathe


The rest of the patrol was easy and they only ran into a few more nasties before they headed back to the old mansion they had claimed as Slayer central. Xander looked around him as he walked through the door and realized he didn't want this life anymore, but what could he do? He felt empty and lost . He couldn't see where he made any difference or where he belonged. Looking at Andrew he saw the same look in the smaller man's eyes.

He had tried to tell the others that something was wrong, but none of them seemed to listen. There was nothing he could do to get them to listen. He just wasn't sure what he was going to do or where he could go.


If I was them
Then I wanna be
What I see
If I could drag my life in a moment
Wanna know do you want me to go
Gonna keep it all from ending
Never stop myself from pretending
That you always knew that I never could

He can't understand how they can't feel the skin crawling ache and the breathlessness. He wishes that the others could feel what he felt, then maybe they could help him to understand what was wrong. He knew by the look in their eyes he was superfluous. He had no real purpose and wondered if they wanted him to go. He had a choice to make; stay or go. Pretend to be what t hey saw or become who he felt he was inside.

All I ever really wanted was to be the same
Equal treatment never ever comes
and there they go again
All I ever really wanted was to be like you
So perfect
So worthless
If I could take it all back think again
I would

He can see the confusion in their eyes as he calls them together. There was just a hint of annoyance in Buffy's eyes and it stings to know he meant so little to her. Maybe that's why he had hated Spike so much. He could see Buffy's treatment of him echoed by her treatment of Spike.

There's anger and betrayal on their faces as he lays out his feelings and confusion. Buffy stands and stalks away as he finishes and Xander realizes he was worthless in her eyes. A part of him wishes he could take back the last seven years and be someone else. Someone who wasn't the Slayer's pet human.


And now I found it
Found I got it
I didn't want this
Somebody help me see
Now I feel it
Feel that I've been there
I didn't need this
Somebody help me stand
And now I've told them
I didn't want this
I didn't need this
Would somebody help me breathe
Would somebody help me breathe
Would somebody help me?

He's packed and ready to leave. All his goodbyes made long ago. He didn't want this. He hadn't wanted to reach this point. He just wanted to them to see the man he had become. See that he needed help to stand, because he was ill and weakening on his own. They're all living in their own worlds and don't see that he can't breathe in this town.

As he's walking out the door he turns at the sound of his name and is shocked to see two blonds standing side by side. "Do you think you could use some company there, pet?" Spike asks, and Xander sees something in their eyes. Maybe, just maybe he had someone to help him after all. Xander nods and they all walk out the door. The future uncertain, except for the knowledge that they each had someone to help them stand.

The End

http://www.brain-insane.com/beyondcanon
http://www.fanfiction.net/~caliadragon