Series Title: Cycles
Part Titles: 1-Contemplation, 2-Revelation, 3-Consummation, 4-Exploration, 5-Tribulation, 6-Approbation, 7-Retaliation, 8-Realization, 9-Appreciation, 10-Celebration
Author: Vigdis
Fandom: BTVS/AtS
Pairings: Xander/Spike
Rating: NC-17
Category: AU
Spoilers: BTVS: All seasons including seven, up to “Dirty Girls”; AtS: Seasons 1-4, some season 5.
Series Status: Incomplete; Contemplation, Revelation and Consummation are Complete.
Date: April 15, 2003 (Happy 41st Birthday, Michael McManus - he’s Kai on LEXX if you don’t recognize the name.)
Feedback: Craved! Need feedback! vigdis@squidge.org Please be constructive... Details are good! Also, tell me what you want to see more of, what you want to find out the answers to, etc... I love details!
Archive: WWOMB; StepAwayFromMyXander; Vig’s Vale; Others please let me know you want it. I like to know where my babies are.
Author's Website: Vig's Vale: https://www.squidge.org/vigsvale/ (still under construction, but mine none-the-less)
Valdron’s Handy Dandy Disclaimer: (modified for this work)
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the series, concepts and characters are the property, copyright and trademark of UPN, Mutant Enemy and Joss Whedon. Angel, the series, concepts and characters are the property, copyright and trademark of Warner Bros., Mutant Enemy and Joss Whedon. No ownership or claim on said property, copyright or trademark is made or implied by the use in this work. This work constitutes a personal comment on the aforesaid properties pursuant to doctrines of fair use and fair comment. This work is non-commercial, not for sale or profit, and may not be sold or reproduced for commercial purposes. All other characters and situations which are not specifically owned by the above mentioned are sole copyright of the author.
Thanks: To Zus for encouraging me to try my hand at this fandom.
Notes: Spike is more William, here. But then, he’s thinking and I doubt he thinks Spikese. I think William is more in control now anyway… Just my opinion.
There will be some scenes drawn almost directly from season 7 of Buffy in some parts. You can find the transcripts I used to facilitate this at BuffyWorld on the Buffy Season 7 and Angel Season 5 pages.
Warnings: Just the spoilers mentioned above.
Summary: Spike, Xander and Willow consider what happened to Xander in “Dirty Girls” and how it affects them.
The Cycles Series 2: Revelation
by Vigdis
Chapter One:
Spike walked briskly toward Xander’s hospital room. They had kept him in the hospital because they were planning to do immediate reconstructive surgery. Xander had very good insurance.
Spike opened the door to the private room and stepped cautiously inside. “Xander?” he called quietly.
“Come on in, Spike. We need to talk.”
Spike swallowed hard. That phrase was never a good sign. He walked slowly forward and, at a gesture from Xander, took a seat in the chair beside the bed.
Xander took a deep breath and reached out for Spike’s hand.
Spike took Xander’s hand as gently as he could and hesitantly raised his eyes to look at him. The sadness in Spike’s eyes was overwhelming. Xander’s face was half covered with bandages and he could see evidence of swelling.
Xander gave a little half-smile. “It’s not so bad, really,” he assured the vampire. “As soon as the swelling goes down they’re doing surgery. They’re already making me a prosthetic eye. It’ll be like it never happened.”
“Except you won’t be able to see out of it,” Spike grated out. “Your depth perception will be shot.”
“It’s a good thing I’m a suit-wearing type, then, isn’t it. I direct the work, but I don’t actually do the construction. Depth perception not so important as it was.”
“Just stop it!” Spike said harshly, jumping up. “No more! Be angry! Yell! Scream! Blame ME, but do SOMETHING! Don’t just lie there and pretend everything is going to be alright, because it isn’t! Not now, not ever! You lost an eye, Xander! An EYE! You will never be the same again! This isn’t Star Trek. They can’t just replace it. You will never get it back! It’s gone and you can’t pretend nothing’s changed!”
“I’m NOT!” Xander yelled back. “I KNOW things will never be the same! I know I’LL never be the same! But, damn it! I have to deal with it.” Xander calmed himself before he continued. “If it’s never going to change, I have to deal with it the best way I know how.”
“And that’s by pretending it doesn’t bother you?”
Xander gave him a disbelieving look. “And this surprises you why? I always try to see the humor in things. Haven’t you noticed?”
Spike sighed and sat back down. He reached over and took Xander’s hand in his own.
“Yeah. I guess so. It’s just… I don’t know.” He shook his head slowly. He released Xander’s hand, then lowered his head to the bed. “I failed you. I was supposed to keep you safe and I failed.”
Xander gently stroked Spike’s hair. “You didn’t fail me. You aren’t responsible for my safety. I am. I was there because I believed in what we were doing. I still do. The war isn’t over yet. But we ARE going to win. The First is goin’ down! And Caleb? Well, he’s gonna die, just like all the other wannabes.” Xander tugged on Spike’s hair until he looked up at him. “I mean, there’s only one Big Bad, right?” Xander grinned.
Spike gave a weak little smile, tears in his eyes. “Yeah. Only me. And anybody else who claims to be it is just a pale imitation, right?”
“Yeah,” Xander smiled softly. “A wannabe.”
“A wannabe.” Spike sat up with a strange expression on his face. “So,” he asked, “I’m still the Big Bad, huh?”
“Always,” Xander assured him.
“And you’re okay with that?”
Xander looked at Spike seriously. “I’m okay with YOU. You are a very complex guy, y’know. You’re a good guy, though. All reformed-like,” Xander grinned then got serious again. “Thank you for diving in like that. I know I would have lost both eyes if you hadn’t. And I’m truly grateful. I don’t think I would like being blind.” Then he smiled again. “Being half-blind is bad enough.”
Spike smiled back at him slowly. “I’m just glad you’re still around to complain about it.”
“Me, too,” Xander nodded, smiling.
Chapter Two:
Spike held Xander’s right hand in his left. His right arm was draped across Xander’s body and his head was lying on the bed beside his hip. Xander idly stroked Spike’s bare arm. As much as he liked the duster, he was glad Spike had taken it off.
It was impossible to tell if Spike was awake. He didn’t react. Xander kept petting his arm. They stayed like that for a long while, calming, adjusting, learning to accept the situation. Finally, Xander slipped his hand from Spike’s, moving it to his head, where he toyed with the short bleached strands. Spike started to purr. Xander smiled.
And that’s when Buffy walked in.
Xander almost laughed out loud at the look on her face. Instead, he put on his carefully cultivated little boy face and said, “He followed me home, Mom. Can I keep him?”
Buffy stifled a giggle.
“’M not a soddin’ pet!” Spike asserted without moving. Wouldn’t want to dislodge the hand sending shivers down his spine.
Buffy studiously ignored Spike and, in her ‘mom’ voice answered Xander. “I don’t know, dear. Are you sure you can take proper care of him?”
Xander grinned excitedly. “Oh, yes! I promise to feed him and walk him and-”
Spike sat up with a glare. “Enough, already,” he protested as Buffy and Xander burst out laughing. “Oh, right. Let’s all make fun of the vampire. Har-de-har-har. Go on. Get it out of your systems. Laugh. Just remember. I ain’t got the bloody chip no more!”
They just laughed harder. Spike rolled his eyes and threw up his hands. “Fine. I’ll just be off, then.” He grabbed his duster and was out the door before they could stop him.
Xander’s remaining eye went wide as it sunk in. “Buffy, stop him! I have to talk to him! Please!”
Buffy met Xander’s gaze. She understood. Nodding, she disappeared out the door.
Xander closed his eye and took deep breaths. He couldn’t lose Spike now. Not when they were just starting to connect for real.
Chapter Three:
Spike left the hospital muttering angrily. “See me as a joke, do they?”
“SPIKE!” Buffy called as she chased him out into the cool night air.
Spike whipped around, duster snapping, “What? Come to-”
“Spike!” Buffy interrupted. “We didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. It was just a joke. Xander was letting me know he cares about you. So, he used humor to do it. Can you think of anything more Xander?”
Buffy watched him carefully. Spike was pouting now. He looked so adorable like this.
“Guess not,” Spike glowered. Then he looked up at her, a scared but hopeful look in his eyes. “Does he really, then?”
“Care about you?”
Spike nodded.
Buffy took a deep breath. “Yeah. He does. You should have seen the look on his face when he realized you had left. He’s afraid you won’t come back.” She stepped closer and cupped his cheek in her hand. Her tone was filled with warmth when she continued. “I know this hasn’t been what you hoped for. I know you got your soul back for me - so that I could love you. I just can’t go down that road again, Spike. I do care for you. I always will. But I can’t be with you. It hurts too much.” She gave him a little smile. “I like who are now; who you’re becoming. With aspects of both the demon and the man. You are someone I can count on. I never forget that. You saved my friend’s life last night. I won’t forget that, either. And I won’t stand between you and Xander, if you decide to give it a try. That should give you an idea of how much I trust you.”
Spike was stunned. If the Slayer was willing to trust him with her friend’s heart, then she really did trust him. It was even more telling than having the chip removed, because that could be blamed on him having a soul now. He tilted his head and asked, “So… friends, then? For real?”
Buffy smiled. “Yeah. Friends. The real kind.”
“Good,” Spike murmured as Buffy roughly pulled him into a hug.
She kissed his cheek and pushed him gently toward the hospital entrance.
“Now go talk to Xander. If you two are going to be a couple, stop pussy-footing around, already.”
Spike looked back with a warning glare. “Was that a crack about purring? ’Cause if it was-”
Buffy grinned. “You’d have to catch me first!” she cracked as she turned to run off. She called back over her shoulder, “And Xander’s waiting for you!”
Spike had started to go after her, but that made him stop. “Later, then, Slayer,” he called. “Wouldn’t do to keep the boy wondering.”
And he headed back into the hospital.
Chapter Four:
Spike took off his duster and sank back into the chair beside Xander’s bed.
Xander was sleeping. They were keeping him well medicated and it was difficult for him to stay awake for very long at a time.
Spike took Xander’s hand and resumed his previous position, draped across his lover. He smiled as Xander’s left hand began to stroke his arm. He pulled Xander’s right hand to his lips and kissed it.
“Nice,” Xander murmured as he opened his eye. He smiled a sad little smile. “How ’bout it? Can I keep you?”
“Slayer says you can,” Spike said dryly, raising his head.
“And what about you? What do you say?”
“Are you sure you want to? ’Cause once you say yes, there’s no gettin’ rid of me. Be sure of what you want, Xander.”
“What do you want?” Xander asked very seriously.
Spike responded in kind. “Same thing I’ve always wanted. To love and be loved. No conditions, no half measures, just love. Pure and simple. The unconditional kind. If you can’t give me that, then don’t pretend to love me. That would be worse than not ever finding love at all. I can live with what we have, but not if I have false hope of more.”
“I don’t know what I have to give right now. I do know I care for you - deeply. I know you fill a need in me no one else ever has. I know I don’t want to lose you. I know I want to find out if we can have that kind of love. Are you willing to try?”
Spike took a deep breath and stared at the floor. Sometimes a deep breath was necessary even when you didn’t actually need to breathe. ‘Damn, but I wish I could smoke in here!’ Spike thought, fidgeting with his lighter. “If we try and it doesn’t work,” he started softly, “it’ll be worse than if we leave it here. Do you think it’s worth the risk?”
“Yes,” Xander replied without hesitation. “I think it will work. I think we can love each other. Do you?”
Spike looked back up at Xander. He nodded slowly. “Yes. I think we can. I think it’s worth it.”
“Good,” Xander said firmly. “So that settles it then. We’re officially boyfriends. You, Spike, AKA William the Bloody, are my boyfriend,” he said, trying it out.
Spike laughed. “Yeah, well, that’s a mouthful, then, in’nit?” Xander grinned. Spike shook his head, smiling. “So does this mean we’re telling everyone?”
Xander nodded. “Unless you’d rather not. Buffy and Willow already know, of course. And I’d feel kind of funny keeping it from Dawn. I think she’d be happy for us. And it might be kind of hard to keep it a secret in that house anyway.”
“We’ve managed so far.”
“We weren’t an actual couple then. Besides, the only place we ever did anything was in your crypt or my apartment. But since we’re all living at Buffy’s… Look, if you don’t want to tell them, I understand.”
“No. ’S not it at all, luv. I just don’t want to put any pressure on you about it. You need to tell them when you’re ready. Not ’cause you think it’s what I want. I’m good either way. You’re the one who’ll be surprising them.” Spike grinned. “Ya think no one knows about those dreams you’ve been havin’? Hey! In a house full of adolescent beauties, who wouldn’t have ’em?” Xander blushed. “Point bein’ they all think you’re straight. They won’t be too shocked to find out I’m bisexual, but you’re going to be a bit of a surprise. So it’s up to you to decide when and where and all. I’ll go along with whatever you choose.”
Xander relaxed against his pillow.
“How about I decide later? I’m too drugged to think straight and I want to be going on more than emotion when I make that decision.”
Spike suddenly got worried. “Are you sure you don’t need to wait to decide if we give this a shot? ’Cause if you need more time-”
“I don’t!” Xander interrupted with a yawn. “That’s an emotion based decision, anyway. Logic would only interfere. Going with my gut. That’s what’s right in this case. I want to be with you, Spike. I want you to be mine and I want to be yours. That plain enough for you?”
“Yeah,” Spike smiled, relieved. “Does that mean I can call you ‘pet’?”
Xander laughed. “Coming from you, it’s a term of affection, not ownership, so, yeah, I guess so.”
“Right, then.” Spike’s voice turned soothing. “Get some sleep, pet. I’ll be here ’til just before sunrise.”
Xander smiled contentedly and slept.
Chapter Five:
Spike’s POV
Well, it’s been one helluva week! Can’t believe Xan’s finally comin’ home today. Still all bandaged up, but they say the surgery went well. As soon as he heals up, he’ll get to try out that new eye. ’Course that’s if Red doesn’t decide to interfere a bit. I know she’s been researching; tryin’ to find away to restore his eye instead.
I’ve been at his bedside every night. They tried to make me leave once. Once. I told them it wasn’t a very good idea. They insisted. Said only immediate family. Xander piped up then. Said I was his S.O. and they shut up right off.
Significant Other. I can’t help but like the sound of it.
Red and the Slayers surprised the hell out of me. The three of them moved Xander’s bed down into the basement and moved my smaller one upstairs. Said something about needing more space for the girls, so they were putting the guys together. Don’t really think anyone bought it, though.
Well, maybe a few of the more gullible ones, but not the Nibblet. She just gave me this sly look and winked.
Smart girl.
Faith keeps givin’ me these looks. Like she wishes she could join us. Hell! Maybe she does. Hmm… Maybe I should run that one past Xander. After all, she IS reformed, right?
Well, maybe I oughta shelve that idea ’til he’s well again.
Or maybe I oughta just forget it all together.
Slayer and Red and Anya went to pick him up. Sun’s up or I would’ve gone with. They should be back soon.
Think I’ll head upstairs. I wanna be there when he walks in the door.
*
Spike was leaning against a wall, well away from the sunlight when they returned. Xander looked tired and weak. Buffy supported him while Willow closed the door. Anya dropped his suitcase by the stairs. Someone else could carry it the rest of the way. Preferably someone with super-strength.
Spike couldn’t help himself. He rushed over and slipped his arm around Xander. Together, he and Buffy led the weary young man toward the basement.
“Wait,” Xander said, stopping. They looked at him. “There’s something I have to do before you put me back to bed.” He turned to face the room. Almost everyone was there. Now was as good a time as any. “I have something to tell you all. Or better yet, I’ll just show you,” he said and, putting his arms around Spike, he kissed him thoroughly.
There was a moment of absolute silence while Spike absorbed the fact that he was being publicly acknowledged as Xander’s lover. Then he gave himself over to the kiss.
Then one of the potentials called out, “But I thought Xander was straight!”
And another one said, “Isn’t Spike supposed to be in love with Buffy?”
Kennedy just gave a mysterious smile, put her arms around Willow and said, “Just another glowing example of how things aren’t always what they seem.”
As the kiss ended, Xander was leaning hard against his lover. It was obvious he was having trouble staying on his feet. Spike’s arms were all that was holding him up.
Spike looked around the room and took in the girls expressions. They ranged from shocked to scared to interested. Hmm… Maybe Faith wouldn’t be the only one to try to crawl into bed with them. ‘Better check the basement for recording devices - and cameras - just in case.’
Spike finally turned his eyes toward Anya. She had had a week to get used to the idea. Xander had told her immediately. Still, she was having a hard time. She was happy for them, but it wasn’t easy for her. She gave him a forced smile and said, “You’d better get him to bed. He looks like he’s about to fall over. And the doctor said he should take things easy for a while. I think he meant no orgasms, but I could be wrong.”
Spike blinked. Xander groaned. Buffy rolled her eyes and Willow giggled into Kennedy’s neck.
Buffy showed Spike some papers and a small sack. She said, “You’ll want to look over these. They have the doctor’s instructions and his medication is in this bag along with an eye patch. He’s supposed to wear it when the bandages come off. They’re putting the new eye in next week.”
“Unless-” Willow stopped herself. She didn’t want to get Xander’s hopes up, “the swelling hasn’t gone down enough!” she finished.
Xander smiled. He knew what she was up to. He was too tired to say anything, though. He didn’t even protest when Spike swept him into his arms and carried him down to the basement.
He was even quiet when he was tucked into bed like a 4 year old. He wanted to ask for a bedtime story, but he just yawned and fell asleep.
Buffy followed them down with Xander’s things. She set them down and quietly excused herself.
Spike looked down at his lover, content just to have him home - in their bed. He sat down in the chair and started reading over the doctor’s instructions.
TBC in “Consummation”