Title: The Tears And Recriminations Of Spike And Xander

Rating: NC-17

Author: Lawrence

Email: fluent_fag@hotmail.com

Pairing: Spike/Xander

Spoilers: The Gift

Summary: The boys help each other get over the events of The Gift, and try to move on with their lives.

Feedback: Yup, yup, and yup.

Disclaimer: I don't own these boys. Like I ever could. WB, UPN, and Joss Whedon owns.

Notes: (1) Anya died in the fight with Glory. Buffy didn't. She got to Dawn before the portal had a chance to open.

(2) Deals with issues that could be upsetting. HIV, suicide attempts, mixed in with a load of emotional stuff.

We have each other. The whole gang had separated for a while, but Spike and I stayed together. We needed to. When Anya died, we became closer. We were together before, but the loss sort of made us realise how much we need each other.

Which is how we ended up in my apartment, my bed specifically, tangled up in sticky bed sheets and each other.

"That was. that was damn good." An exhausted Spike smiled at me. I smiled back, and kissed him.

"It really was." I ran a finger along his chest. "Tomorrow, we should go shopping. Since you moved in, everything seems to disappear."

"I don't know what you mean, Xan." The vampire grinned, that grin that could melt my heart.

"I'm sure you don't. Enough talk. Let's sleep now, ok?" Xander yawned.

"Sure thing, pet." Spike pulled Xander closer, and fell asleep with him.

*

Giles and Willow, the new co-owner of The Magic Box, stood behind the counter, checking the inventory.

"I think Xander's coping quite well. With the loss of Anya. Don't you think?" Giles asked, flipping pages in his account book.

Willow nodded. "Hmmm. I'm not sure that Spike is the way to go though. He's lost Anya, and five minutes later, he's jumping Spike? Something is definitely not right."

"If it makes him happy, then that's all well and good. But its nice you look out for him, Willow. Xander needs a friend like you around, especially now."

*

"We do not need more toothpaste! We have plenty back at the apartment."

Spike and Xander argued in the center aisle of the supermartket, ignoring the pointed looks shot their way from the staff and members of the public.

"That's what you said about the lube last week! You had to run out that night and find a shop still open! So, just trust me, we need toothpaste!"

Spike sighed, and Xander knew he had won. The brunette threw the Colgate tube into the basket, and moved onto his favourite part of the store, the Bakery.

"I want an iced ring donut! Can I have one?" Xander pleaded with Spike, giving him his puppy dog eyes.

"'Course, baby. Go get one. And I'll have a double chocolate chip cookie." Spike smiled loving at his boyfriend.

Xander ran back to Spike after getting the goodies, and they walked to the checkout.

"20.36 please." The checkout assistant said in a toneless voice.

Spike handed her the money.

"Did you sue them?" The vampire asked the assistant, who seemed surprised she was being talked to. She handed him his change and receipt. Xander packed the products.

"The charm school." Spike looked at the girl, and laughed quietly to himself, as he walked away with Xander. Xander tried very hard not to laugh in the shocked girl's face.

*

Xander would patrol with Spike, covering Crestfield Cemetery and Weatherly Park, while the rest of the gang took the streets. It gave them more time together, which neither of them thought was a bad thing.

"So, what do you want to do? After we're done here, I mean."

Spike swiftly moved behind his lover, and firmly placed a hand on Xander's ass. "I've got an idea." He whispered.

"Hey! We're patrolling! Scaring off potential hell minions because you're horny." Xander turned around and passionately kissed the unnatural blond. "Well, maybe I'm horny too." Xander answered Spike's raised eyebrow.

The couple jumped when they heard growls from behind them. Four vamps were approaching them.

"You go for the small one. I'll take the other three, ok?" Spike didn't wait for an answer as he ran at the vampires. Xander sighed and ran for the smaller, male vampire.

The three vampires, all male, had Spike cornered. Until he kneed one in the groin, and sent another spinning with a sharp backhand.

Xander was pretty sure his nose was broken. The small vampire had apparently learnt a number of fighting techniques, which, pretty much, meant the Xander was screwed. And not in the way I like, Xander thought. Without warning the vampire grabbed Xander by the arms, and began to knee the brunette in the face. Screams and tears could he heard, but Spike was helpless to do
anything. Xander broke free from the struggle, and began to violently shake. The vampire looked baffled, and moved away.

"Spike? Spike, I need help." The whisper came from his lips.

He lifted his head, and it froze there. Eyes not moving, or any other part of his body.

The wires dangling from Xander's face, and the circuitry that was visible around his face began to crackle.


Part 2


I've been running for coming up to a month now. The night after the battle with Glory was when I left, but I try not to think about that. And about what I left behind. And what I lost.

That's why I'm in this motel anyway. And I have no money, so I have to pay the owner in other ways. Fucking pervert. But I've got to do what I've got to do, and it's not like I'm staying here forever. I can keep moving. I can. You'll see.

*

Three vamps dusted, and one ran off. Spike was alone in the graveyard. That's how he felt. Because what he was looking at, what he had touched, wasn't Xander. It was his Xanbot, as he liked to call it. He had some sicko named Warren build it, when Xander had rejected Spike. Of course, a week after Spike had got the damn thing Xander had told him he was madly in love with the vampire. A little late Xander had found out about the robot, and that had been the basis of their first argument.

But why was it here? When was I with Xander and when was I with that? Was I ever with Xander? Fuck this, I need to find him.

*

A loud crash made Willow and Giles look up from their account books, and saw that Spike had ripped the bell on the front door to The Magic Box off it's hinges, and threw it across the shop.

"Spike! What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Willow yelled.

"Is Xander here? Do you know where he is?" Spike yelled back, showing his I'm-evil-and-I'm-taking-shit-from-no-one face.

"No! As far as we knew, he was patrolling with you." Spike walked out of The Magic Box. "Why? What's wrong?" Willow called after the blond, but got no reply.

*

I don't need an invitation. I've stayed there before. There could be a clue there. To where he went. He's run away. I'm sure of it.

The soft breaking of glass could be heard in the Harris' backyard, and Spike climbed through the window that led to the basement where Xander had lived for a year or so before he had gotten his apartment. Our apartment now, Spike reminded himself.

Spike looked around, and saw clothes. Thrown all over the place. As if someone had been in a hurry to pack their bags and leave.

Xander had been staying here, even when we were together. God. Spike sat on the bed, and sighed. And realised he was sitting on something.

A roadmap. Of a place two towns over from Sunnydale.

Spike ran out of the apartment, into the night, and back to the apartment.

*

A knock on his door made Xander jolt up from his bed. Looking through the spy hole he saw the owner of the motel. Looking for his "rent", Xander thought, shivering at the thought. Xander opened the door, and greeted the man.

"Al." Xander stared at the man, who was dressed in a vest that was probably white at one point, but was now covered in a variety or different stains, and who was severely overweight and in need of a shave.

"Xander." Al replied, and walked into the room. "You know the drill." He nodded towards the bed.

Xander nodded, and took his shirt off, revealing the defined body he had developed from having nothing to do but exercise or watch TV all day. He had meant to take off before this happened again, but it was too late now.

Al moved closer, and unbuckled his faded jeans. He pushed them to his ankles, and dropped his boxers with them. Al grabbed Xander, who had already taken his khakis off, by the waist, and threw him on the bed, face down.

Xander screamed in pain as he was fucked mercilessly and raw. Something in his mind told him he deserved this. Losing Anya, being raped every other day, losing what could have been with Spike, and his friends. He didn't regret running away, but he hadn't planned it to be permanent. Just temporary. Get away, and clear his head. But then he'd met Al, and things were never the same. The first time Al had tried this Xander had given him a black eye, and the need to have an ice pack for Al's groin. That just made it worse. Two nights later Al had used his master key, and blindfolded Xander while he slept. Xander had awoken once he felt Al's cock enter him. He had immediately began to sob, and tried to focus on the good things in his life. But he couldn't think of anything.

Something had happened. Al had stopped. And he was saying something. Not to him, but someone else. Who was it? Xander couldn't see from his position, with Al sitting on his ass, now that he had stopped fucking it. But he recognised the voice. And he smiled for the first time since he had come here.

"Get the fuck off of him now." The low growl came from Spike's lips.

"Why the hell should I?" Al was cautious with the new guy. Hey, he looked good. Maybe he's looking for some action too. I can dream, can't I?

"'Cos I'm telling you too. Don't piss me off. You'll regret it." Spike never let his eyes drift from the pervert sitting on the man he loved.

"I'm not convinced."

Spike felt his face vamp out, and saw the look of horror on the motel owner's face. "Convinced yet?" He laughed at the half naked man running out the door.

Spike ran to Xander, who was crying uncontrollably.

"Sshh, I'm here now. Everything's ok. It's all going to be ok."

*

"So, you've been gone since the night after the battle?" Spike looked destroyed. Xander knew why.

"Yeah, and I know you thought you were having a relationship with me. I told the robot to do that. It didn't need any programming since it already knew to love you." Xander looked at Spike sadly, and sipped his Starbucks coffee.

"Why? Why would you do that? What kind of person would do a fucking thing like that?!" Spike was screaming, ignoring the looks they were both getting from other customers.

"Because that's how I feel about you! I knew if I left, it would tear you up, and I couldn't live with that. So that's why I did what I did." Xander stood up, and tried to sit on Spike's knee. Spike let him. "I love you. I want to live with you. I want to be with you every moment of every day. But you need to understand what Anya meant to me. I loved her. I proposed to her. And she died. I will always love her. But that dosen't mean I don't love you. Xander kissed the blond vampire, who kissed him back.

"Let's get back to Sunnydale, then. We can get through this together." Spike gave Xander a coy smile, and they walked out of Starbucks hand in hand.


Part 3


"It's got to be hard, y'know?"

"Well, they were very close. Its bound to be hard on him . When I lost Jenny, I wanted to be alone, so it might be best not to crowd him." Giles, Willow, Buffy, Tara and Dawn sat around the table in The Magic Box.

"So, you're saying we should leave him alone? That just seems wrong to me." Dawn piped up, giving her opinion.

"No, I'm not saying that. If he needs or wants us, we will of course be there for him. But we can't just go over there and demand that he should be better just because we want him to be."

*

I feel numb. I know it sounds like a cliché, but I do. I'm standing in the kitchen, no idea how long I've been standing here. Spike's doing his best to help, but no-one can. All I can see is her face staring blankly at nothing, her head bleeding profusely. It made me cry. I would be cuddled by whoever was near by, and they would whisper empty promises of how it would be better soon. They don't know that I ever left, of course. Only Spike knows. We'd agreed when I came back, a week ago, that it was our secret. I thanked him for it, and I haven't said much to him, or anyone else, since. Spike's running around, caring for me, making me meals, running baths, stuff like that.

I think I'll go sit in the living room. Need to move, or I'll collapse. Again.

*

He hasn't told the gang about what happened when he ran away. I think he feels that they have enough sympathy for him, and this would just make it worse. Of course we all feel the pain of losing Anya, but we're all putting aside our pain, until we've helped Xander through his pain. The last week, he's hasn't left the apartment, so his friends would come around, and sit with him. He would just sit and stare at whatever happened to be in front of him. Tears would sometimes roll down his cheeks, and they would be brushed away, but he showed no recognition of anyone around him. Sometimes I don't know if its losing Anya, or being raped regularly for three months. He hasn't slept in his bed since he left either. He said it reminded him of all
the times he and Anya had spent there.

*

The reception of The Hyperion Hotel was left in disarray after Cordelia had another mind-numbing vision. Angel and Wesley helped her to her feet.

"What did you see?" Angel asked, holding onto her arm.

"Oh God. It was. it was." Cordelia broke into tears. She calmed herself down enough to tell Angel what she saw. "Xander. He's in trouble. Of the very serious kind. He was in a kitchen area. There was so much blood, Angel." Cordelia broke into tears again.

"Wesley, stay with Cordelia. When she's fit to travel, make your way to Sunnydale. I'll meet you there." Angel walked through the double doors of the Hyperion, and into the night.

*

Having run out of milk, bread and toilet paper, and seeing as it was the middle of the afternoon, Xander was walking the aisles of Walmart on his own. Having already collected the toilet paper and bread, he headed for the milk. Picking up two pints of semi skimmed, Xander moved towards the checkout and his thoughts began to wander. Especially when he saw the man in front place a pack of ribbed condoms on the conveyer belt.

*

"That's it bitch. Take it like a girl. I'm coming, I'm coming. I'm coming in you like a girl, you little shit."


Xander opened his eyes, and found himself still in Walmart, and not back there. But an important, and potentially devasting, thought now formed in his head. Al, the man who raped Xander, hadn't worn a condom. And who knew how many times he had done that kind of shit with someone else?

*

The table in The Magic Box had books piled upon books when Xander walked through the door, looking very dazed. Buffy looked up.

"Hey, Xand. You feeling better?" She gave him her best sympathetic look. He smiled back, not feeling up to telling the truth.

"Yeah. What's with the research?" Xander nodded towards the books.

"Just your run of the mill demon. It jumped me last night, but we still haven't found it in any of the books." Buffy began to walk back to the table, when Willow jumped from her chair.

"Hey! Is this your guy? He sounds about right, from what you told us." Willow grabbed the book and walked towards Buffy and Xander.

Buffy literally jumped, and exclaimed "That's him! What does it say?"

"Nothing much. He's nothing special, anyway." Willow offered.

"Well, that's good." Turning away from Willow, she asked Xander, " Hey, do you want to come patrolling tonight? See if we can't find this dude?"

Smiling a little too much, Xander agreed. "I just need to run back to the apartment first, ok?"

*

Drinking from a mug he had stolen from Giles, which read "Kiss The Librarian", Spike was told the news. And spit his blood across the kitchen in surprise. And over Xander.

"Hey! Watch it! Shit, it's all over my face!" Xander moaned. Spike smiled.

"Want me to lick it off?" He kept smiling, and walked towards Xander.

Xander kept his eyes riveted to the floor, and fidgeted.

"I can't." Xander muttered. And shouted it again. " I CAN'T!" He ran into his bedroom, tears falling freely.

Spike stood in the kitchen, mentally cursing himself.

*

"Buffy, we've been patrolling for three hours. Do you really think we're going to find that demon? Seems a little less than likely, right?" Xander had been walking alongside the Slayer for three hours straight, moving from cemetery to another, and all they had found was one measly vampire. No butt ugly demon. Which made for a tense Buffy. Who was not a fun Buffy to be
around.

"I guess. I really wanted to get that bastard." Buffy whined. Xander rolled his eyes dramatically, and laughed.

"You'll get him tomorrow. He won't know what hit him." Xander smiled at his friend. "I better get going. God knows what Spike's been doing to my place. It's probably trashed, or something."

"Xand? Why do you let Spike stay with you? No-one would careless if you threw him out, y'know." Buffy cocked her head, waiting for a reply.

Xander shrugged. "I guess I like the company. It's pretty lonely without Anya around anymore." Xander held his breath, wondering if Buffy would recognise the invitation for her and the gang to spend more time with him at the apartment. Anything to keep me away from alone-with-Spike. Not that is such a bad thing. I just can't handle it right now.

"If you want, Willow and I can swing by tomorrow. Have a sleepover party?"

"Sounds like fun. Make sure you rent good movies this time. If you and Willow force me to watch Dirty Dancing again, my head will explode." Xander chuckled.

Buffy laughed, shaking off her tension. "It's a deal."

Rounding the corner of the high street, Xander said his goodbyes and walked off towards his apartment.

*

In the passenger's seat, a mobile rang. Angel picked it up, keeping one on the road. He was already late enough as it was. Colliding with another car, or worse, a person, would not be good.

"Hello?"

"Angel? Where are you? Wesley and I are leaving the hotel now. We're going to take his motorcycle to Sunnydale. God help us." Cordelia laughed nervously.

"I had some car trouble about a mile back. I should be there in an hour. Don't worry, I'll get there in time, Cordy." Angel did his best to reasure her. He wasn't so sure that he would get there in time.

*

Taking off his jacket, Xander slumped into his armchair, and flicked through the available channels on the wide screen TV Anya had made him buy. Settling on UPN, Xander put the remote down. Spike walked out from the bathroom, and sat next to Xander, in an identical recliner.

"You're watching UPN? I hear some good shows are moving there." Spike did his best to make casual conversation, trying not to overstep the mark.

"Yeah, I guess." Xander didn't take his eyes away from the screen. Spike shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

After a minute of awkward silence, Spike rose from his chair.

"I'm getting some blood from the kitchen. Do you want anything?" Spike gestured towards the kitchen.

"No, thanks. I'm good." Xander's expression didn't change. Hadn't changed since he walked into the apartment. "Actually, you could do one thing for me."

"Anything." Spike said, and scared himself when he realised that he meant it. He would do anything for the dark haired god sitting in that chair.

"I need some time alone. Could you maybe go out? I don't mean to sound rude, because you've been great. But I really need some space right now." Xander looked Spike in the eyes, and Spike saw the pain behind those eyes. If space was what he wanted, space was what he was going to get, Spike thought.

"Hey, I'm running low on blood anyway. I'll see you later, ok?" Spike headed for the door.

In a near whisper, Xander said,

"Thank you."

The sound managed to make Spike feel like the king of the world, a feeling he had last felt about one hundred and twenty years ago, when he had first met Drusilla.

Once he was alone, Xander moved from his chair and into the kitchen area. The image of Anya laying on the ground, the right side of her face caved in from the pile of bricks that had landed on her, haunted Xander until he picked up the nearest butcher knife.

*

A car sped down the main street of Sunnydale. Picking up the mobile, Angel dialed Buffy's number as quickly as possible. After three rings Buffy picked up.

"Hello?"

"Buffy? It's me, Angel."

"Angel? Oh, god, what's wrong now?" Buffy's face cringed as she thought of the possible reasons Angel would have left L.A to come to Sunnydale.

"I need Xander's address. Quickly." Angel voice carried a sense of urgency, which made Buffy give the address, holding the questions until her curiosity peaked. Which wasn't long.

"Now you've got the address, do you want to tell me why you need to see Xander so badly?"

"Xander's in trouble. I'm not sure what kind, but it might be best it you got there ASAP" That said, Angel hung up.

*

Xander held the butcher knife in his right hand, and ran his left index finger along the blade. He smiled. Bringing the knife down, he let the blade balance on his arm, holding the wooden handle in a firm grip. In one quick move he cut the skin, and felt the knife cut the veins in his wrists. In
another quick motion he repeated the action on the other wrist, and dropped the knife. As Xander fell to the floor in a pool of his blood, he smiled in relief.

Part 4

Heart pumping with fear for one of her best friends, Buffy ran with all her might through Restfield Cemetery. As soon as she had heard about Xander, she had dropped her cappuccino, and ran. Now she was cursing herself for not recognising Xander's pain earlier. Tears running down her face, she knew she would never make it in time. She could only hope to whatever God was listening that Angel would. Then a realisation struck her like a blot from above. Angel had never been invited to Xander's apartment. Calling up on reserve energy, she jumped a bench and ran as fast as she could.

*

Turning as fast as he could, Angel steered his car around the street to which, according to the directions he had received, would lead to Xander's apartment. Not bothering to park, the vampire leaped out of the car, and rushed towards the apartment building. Opening the door, he headed for Xander's door. Kicking the door, it opened inwards. He smelled the blood before he saw it. He couldn't see where the blood was coming from, just the general direction, and he couldn't see Xander. Trying his luck Angel tried to enter the apartment, but to no avail. He was held back by the invisible force field that stopped an uninvited vampire from entering someone's home.

A sudden feeling crept through him, and shuddered in disbelief. One of his Children were nearby. Very near, if he remembered the whistling coming from further down the hallway. Spike used to sing the tune to Drusilla whenever she was upset, or the stars stopped talking to her.

*

Stopping in fear as he smelt the blood coming from Xander's apartment, Spike chose to ignore the face that his ensouled Sire was once again in Sunnydale. Spike ran towards the door, rushing past Angel.

"Spike! Can you get in?" Angel asked frantically.

"Of course I bloody well can. What the hell happened?" Panic spread its way over the younger vampire's face. Spike pushed Angel out of the way, and ran into the apartment.

"I don't know the details. Cordelia had a vision about this, so I rushed over here. Buffy's on her way. What do you see?" Angel shouted to Spike.

"He slit his wrists. He's lost a lot of blood. It dosen't look good, Angel. Did Slutty phone for the paramedics?" Spike's voice was breaking with emotion, which made Angel suspicious. Had he and Xander been having an affair? He heard about Anya, and figured that was the reason for all of this, but had Spike pushed him into it? Was Xander in an abusive relationship with Spike?

"I phoned for them on my way here. How's it going?"

"I'm trying to keep him for bleeding. I wrapped bandages from the first aid cabinet around the wounds. That's good, right? That'll help him?" Angel couldn't hear or see Spike, but he knew the blond was on the verge of tears. Looking into the parts of the apartment he could see from his point of view, Angel saw an ashtray filled to overflowing.

"Spike? Do you live here?" Angel queried.

"Of course I bloody do. Why else would I be here?" Spike answered his Sire as if it was the stupidest question that could be asked.

"You can invite me in, then."

"Oh, right. Sorry. Come in."

Angel rushed into the apartment, and saw Xander. Pale faced, he was unconscious. Blood was stilling finding its way out of the wounds on his wrists despite the bandages wrapped around them. Just as he began to kneel beside the brunette, someone came running through the door.

"Oh God, Xander."

Buffy ran to Xander, and covered her face, weeping into her hands.

"Buffy! Are the paramedics coming?" Angel stood next to his ex, offering comfort.

"Yeah, they were behind me." As if listening for their cue, the paramedics rushed through the door, and pushed their way past Buffy, Angel and Spike.

Keeping his attention on Xander, the male paramedic asked for the patient's name.

"Xander." Came the answer three times.

"Xander? Can you hear me, Xander?" The male paramedic shook his head, and gave a knowing look to his female partner. Jolting himself into action, he shouted for the two males and blond chick behind him to move the hell out of the way. Damned if he was going to lose another one today.

*

Buffy was waiting for Angel and Spike at the hospital, having gotten there in the ambulance. Tears had stained her cheeks, and Angel moved to wipe them away. Buffy allowed him. Spike could do nothing but shove Angel out of the way and demand to know what was happening with Xander.

"The doctor came out just before you got here. They say he's lost a lot of blood, but he should get out of this without any permanent damage. But they can't be sure. They also said they found something wrong while checking his blood. They don't know exactly what yet. They need to do more tests." Buffy sighed inwardly, brushing her hand through her hair. "I phoned the gang too. They'll be here soon."

"What the hell do you mean? Something wrong with his blood?" Spike was yelling, and shaking the Slayer, backing off when the chip sent a reminder through his body.

"I don't know. That's all the doctor told me. Something about a low T cell count. I haven't got the faintest idea what that means. Do you?" Buffy asked, the stress starting to show. She sighed at their short murmurs, telling her they didn't know what a lot T cell count meant either. Suddenly,
Buffy jumped. "Willow! She'd know, right? I mean, if the doc hasn't come back by then, we could ask her, right?"

"Buffy." Angel laid a hand on the Slayer's shoulder. "Is that really something you want to lay on your best friend? Xander's best friend?"

"No. I don't. But she's going to have to know that they're doing tests. As well as trying to stop Xander from. from.." Buffy's knees turned to jelly, and would have fallen to the floor if Angel hadn't caught her. Crying with renewed force at the thought of her friend dying, the friend who had bought her back from the dead when the Master had drowned her, she sat. And waited.

*

Half hour later

Running into the waiting room, Willow, Dawn, Tara and Giles ran over to Buffy, Angel and Spike.

"What happened?" Willow demanded from her best friend.

"Will, sit down."

"Buffy! Just tell me." Willow snapped.

Tears re-emerging, Buffy managed to tell Willow. "He tried to kill himself, Will. Spike left the apartment, and he slit his wrists."

Visibly shocked, Willow spoke. "But he's going to be alright?" Tears muffling her voice, she tried to shout, " Tell me he's going to be alright."

"Will. There's something else. We," She gestured to herself, Angel and Spike, "-don't know what it means. And we haven't been able to get an answer from the doctor."

"Tell me." Was all Willow could manage to croak.

"Ok. When the doctor came out to tell us how he was, he also said Xander had a lot T cell count. They're doing tests now."

Willow's hand snapped over her mouth, in a vain attempt to stop the tragic screaming. "Oh, God. No, this can't be happening."

Speaking for the first time, Spike walked to Willow.

"Red? Tell me what it means. I need to know."

Tara stood by Willow, and pulled her into a hug. The red head was grateful, but now wasn't the time. Pulling out of the hug, she couldn't look at her friends through the tears, so she kept her head down.

"Xander is HIV positive."

end part 1
tbc