Title: Thoughts on the Dancer

Series: Pt. 8 of the Dancer series

Summary: Xander from Oz's POV

Thanks to Edi for the beta.

Thoughts On The Dancer
by Caliadragon

Here I stand on the back porch sipping coffee, thinking about all of the conversations I've had about Xander over the last few days. Mixed in with it are my own observations and interaction with Xander. My friend is suffering horribly. To the protestations of the others, Xander has gone home and back to work. Xander just ignored them and left. I know that they are pushing Xander too hard. Xander has lost his mates. Not that I had expected to find Xander a widower. Or that he had been mated to a man and a woman.

There is so much wrong, so many people lost and hurt. When I decided to return to Sunnydale, I didn't expect to find the despair and hopelessness that I have. I just knew that it was time to come home. I'm more stable now, and my beast no longer screams for Willow. I still love her, but it's the love of a friend. I'm sorry for all that she has suffered. If anyone can understand what Xander has lost it's Willow, but she allowed her own grief to blind her and separate her from Xander.

The truth is, I'm confused. I've finally admitted to myself that part of what drew me to the Scoobies in the beginning was both Willow and Xander. I like Buffy, I love her even, but Willow and Xander were the light and sweetness of our group. The more Willow got into magic, the more that sweetness disappeared. Xander suffered for it on more than one occasion. I wanted to dislike him, but how could I? He's a part of me.

I'm just as guilty as the others of using Xander. I've missed him, and if I'm honest with myself it was my feelings for him that had me caused me to leave. I'm angry and I'm sad. If I hadn't left would any of this have turned out differently? Would the extra muscle have been enough to keep Buffy or Tara or any of the others from dying? I don't know. All I know is that my family is
injured and falling apart.

I know that Xander is just now beginning to properly grieve for Anya and Andrew. It hurts me to know that there is nothing I can do to heal Xander. I can only stand by him and maybe help him work through the pain. Yet I find myself fighting not to claim him for my own. I want to show him that I care for him, that he is not alone.

I know it's not possible for me to claim him now, if ever. What I have learned about Xander's relationship with Anya and Andrew reinforces my belief about Xander. When he loves he does it completely. I have no idea if I should get Xander to leave the Hellmouth with me or stay here and help him heal. I do know though, that somehow I'm going to get Xander through this, and maybe get Xander. I just hope it's not to late.