Title: Unwell

Name: Kristen aka Daydreamer

Email: aurora-d@moose-mail.com

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters on Angel or the song Unwell by Matchbox 20.

Rating: Pg-13 for one swear word

Spoilers: Up to season 4 of Angel. Very heavy spoilers so if you haven’t seen it especially the finale yet, don’t read on.

Summary: Songfic. What happens when the magic fades and Connor begins to remember?

Feedback: Is much appreciated.

AN: I wrote this before the current season started. It's just a little songfic that had been bugging me since I heard the song and interrupting my writing new parts to my other fics. It’s a little angsty and unbeta’d. I thought it was the perfect song for Connor when he started to remember.



Unwell
By Kristen aka Daydreamer


All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Felling like I’m headed for a breakdown
And I don’t know why

It’s weird. Lately I feel like the glue that’s holding my life together, making these things real is failing. Or fading somehow. As if things weren’t always like this. Like a rush job made it so, and it’s not holding anymore. Which sounds completely crazy. How can someone completely make up a new life and make everyone believe it? You can’t alter reality. Right?

At least I always thought so. Now I’m not so sure. I’ve been hearing things. Seeing them too. In my sleep, in flashes. Like I’m remembering. But that can’t be right. “Cause what I’m remembering is too bizarre to be true. There’s no such thing as vampires. And even if there were, vampires can’t have kids. That’s just ridiculous. A story made for the movies. So why does it feel like the truth? It can’t be. I should get some sleep. Class starts tomorrow.



But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me

Something odd happened today. I was playing basketball with some of the guys in my dorm and I jumped. I’m not talking like a normal jump here, where you slam-dunk the ball. I intended to do that. I did, but it didn’t happen that way. Why didn’t it happen that way? It should have happened that way. I should not be able to leap 3 times higher than the hoop. I passed easily over the high wall behind the court. I landed in a crouch on the other side still clutching the ball. I threw it away and it hit a nearby tree so hard it exploded. I could hear the guys freaking out when I disappeared. I was freaking out. After the ball exploded I heard them running towards me demanding answers. I couldn’t give any. I don’t think they’d believe it was the shoes. I couldn’t give any. I ran. I have no idea what’s happening lately.

It’s not just the extra strength and fly like Mike abilities that have shown up lately. I can hear things. I mean hear really well. Things I shouldn’t be able to hear from that distance. And my sense of smell is of the wall too. I swear I was ready to pass out or throw up sitting behind Cheryl in psychology the other day. She was wearing perfume and I couldn’t handle it. I had to leave. I just grabbed my stuff and left in a hurry. The professor really wasn’t pleased. I know I disrupted the lecture, and earned myself some strange glances besides but I couldn’t take it. The abilities come and go. What’s happening to me?



I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be…me

I think I’m losing my mind. I must be. Whatever’s wrong with me is getting worse. I was passing by the Wolfram and Hart building today and saw someone come out that I recognized. At least I recognized her from my… hallucinations? Memories? There’s people I think I know, but I don’t really know them. Today proved it. So why do I feel like I know them? Why do I have “memories” of these people? I can’t. “Cause all those “memories” are just full of crazy ideas. Vampires and aura reading demons, seers and hell dimensions, none of it’s true. There’s something wrong with me. I’m mistaking strangers for the people in my “memories” now.

So I was passing by the Wolfram and Hart building and a woman came out. She was wearing glasses and had a lab coat on over a purple blouse and flower print skirt. She was tall, skinny, and had long, curly brown hair. Before I could stop myself I called out, “Hi Fred.”

Well she was surprised, but polite. She stopped and said hi. Then came the kicker. “Do I know you? Are you working here too?”

She didn’t know me. Hadn’t a clue who I was. I stammered out that no I didn’t work there and rushed past. When I looked back she had a confused look on her face.




I’m talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know they’ve all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I’ve lost my mind

I am so unwell. Can’t talk about it though. What would I say? I’m the son of two vampires. One of them even had a soul. I was born a few years ago. Why am I so much older? Oh, I lived almost all of my life in a hell dimension with a revenge obsessed vampire hunter where time moves differently. And do you remember Jasmine? She was my daughter. But I killed her. Who was the mother you ask? Well now that’s an interesting tale. She was the love of my father’s life who gave me a pity fuck and used me. Yeah that would go over really well.

And who would I tell? The guys in the dorm all avoid me now. They give me scared looks and dodge out of my path. I know they’ve been talking about me too. I see the in the cafeteria, whispering to their girlfriends and pointing me out. Almost everyone knows now and avoids me. I don’t think I’ll be staying here much longer.



But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I’ve been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they’ll come to get me
Yeah, they’re taking me away

I went home yesterday. It didn’t go well. I’ve been coming to accept that the memories are real. They feel more real to me than this life I’ve been living. Especially so since I killed a vampire on my way back to the dorm the other night. I stood in the ashes and finally knew for sure the memories are real. I don’t know why I’m here though. Why no one but me remembers. The very last thing I remember from before, Angel was standing over me. He must have done something. I don’t know what I’m going to do about it though. Even if I go back, I didn’t feel like I belonged there. Doesn’t seem likely to change. Seems my whole life has been one lie after another. And I promised myself not to have anything to do with lies anymore when I killed Jasmine. I’m done with lies. Too much destruction caused with them. Which is ironic since I’m the Destroyer. It should be right up my alley when you think about it. But no matter how much you want to you can’t believe the lie. You can’t make the lie real. Going “home” only proved it.

I was dreaming again, about the life I lived before. I guess I was talking in my sleep, because my “mom” confronted me about my dreams today. She thought they were nightmares. I guess I was holding onto the lie at that moment despite my vow to be done with them. The lie that said she was my mother because I told her everything. She tried to convince me I was wrong. That I was sick. She told me to go lay down I hadn’t gotten enough sleep. So I did. I figured I’d try again later when she wasn’t so upset. I’d make her believe me. I’d show her what I could do. So I went to my room, and I heard her. She was on the phone with my “dad.” They decided to send me to a mental hospital for an indefinite stay. And I gave up. I knew before that you couldn’t make the lies real. But I had still hoped in spite of myself. I liked having a family. No more. I’m done with lies for good this time. I’ve had enough of them in fact. I’m going to leave and make my own truths.

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be



end