Title: Weary Life

Series: What Dreams May Come 9

Author: Xandria

Fandom: BTVS Highlander and Star Trek

Summary of story so far: An alternate ending after Lover's Walk.

Spike attacks Xander and kills him. Xander is an Immortal and goes away to be trained by Adam Pierson, an old friend of Giles. Xander is a half-human half vampire, enough to obey Spike as his Sire. As a half human he can be easily influenced by Spike so has little choice but to do as he says. Four centuries later he meets up with the Maquis and joins.

Five years later he has just been on the Crazy Horse for a month after being rescued by Chakotay from a Cardassian prison. The crew ends up on Voyager and Xander is wondering what will happen with the other immortal on board, Tom Paris. Xander begins to train Paris and settle into a routine on Voyager.

Tuvok transfers him from engineering to security and Xander is uncertain whether he can handle the pressure. After the Bothan encounter it looks as if Xander will give in to the pressure. After a month of nightmares in which all his bad memories and guilt combine, Xander has a flashback while with Chakotay. Paris calms him down and gives him a sedative, but not before Chakotay gets hurt.

Summary: Xander wakes up. And gets into trouble again.

Archive: Go for it, just let me know where.

Rating: NC17+ Pre slash m/m kissing Swearing!

Feedback: Does the Colonel serve chicken? Does Maccas serve beef? No wait...

Spoilers: Lovers Walk Graduation 1 and 2. Any of season one of Voyager.

Notes: I freely admit I know nothing about counseling whatsoever and am taking liberties by using my own ignorant common sense. I mean no offense to any one; I'm venting some of my own family history. {Dad was alcoholic}

Disclaimer: They ain't mine, they were never mine, but the plot is mine and if you try to rip it off I will send my attack squad of rabid teddybears and my flock of Outer Mongolian Vampire Skunks after you!

By Xandria

Date: 12/06/00

Chakotay's POV

I heard a noise and opened my eyes a slit to see what was happening. Alex was standing in front of the door to my quarters, glaring at it.

"What do you think you're doing?!" I said, sitting up, then laying down again.

"Chakotay! What's going on?" he said with a frown. "I wake up in your bed, you're there, and the computer won't let me out!"

"I told it to ignore any commands you made. You weren't exactly in your right mind last night."

"I didn't try to eat anyone, did I?" he said, sitting down beside me.

"What?! When did you eat someone?. No, wait, you didn't 'eat anyone last night. You commed me, we spoke, you began to tell me what was going on, including the fact of still having bad dreams, when Tuvok interrupted us."

"Why? I would have thought he had enough going on with investigating Suder."

"It seems that logically, you and I are the most likely to destroy the ship." He stared at me then began to laugh.

"Since when do logic and sabotage have anything to do with each other? That's strange, really, not like him at all. So he just barged in on us?"

"So we ended it and you disappeared. I found you but you were off in your own mind. I brought you here, you had a bad dream and you threw me across the room."

"I did?! Are you hurt?! I'm sorry, Chakotay, I…"

"Alex, its alright. You were reliving a nightmare. Paris came and fixed me up. After calming you enough to take a sedative, anyway."

"Tom?! You let him into your quarters?! You really care about me, don't you?"

"Don't be stupid, Alex, of course I do! If Janeway's crewmembers are like children to her, all of the Maquis are to me. Like brothers and sisters in arms, anyway. Alright, you, you are like a son to me. I'll probably never have one of my own at all."

"Don't say that! Who knows what might happen. And I feel the same, you know. You are the closest I've had to a father for a long time. There was Giles, but he died."

"How? If you start talking about this, it will make you feel better. Repressing everything is not the solution for you at all."

"Okay, but could I have something to eat first? And drink?"

"You're hungry? Now I know you're beginning to feel better." I mocked.

He grinned and I felt relieved. Life wasn't the same without that sunny smile, it made so many happy. I admit, it, Alex is the only uncomplicated thing in my life right now, in the sense that I know exactly where I stand with him.

Paris and I, we blow hot and cold. On my ship, he had an attitude, but I was beginning to respect him before that last mission when he disappeared. I still don't know what happened, but I was disappointed when he suddenly turned up on Voyager.

And Tuvok, I did trust him, to find he was a Starfleet Spy. As for Janeway, I thought we were beginning to come to an understanding, maybe get a little close, but now? She is hiding something. While Paris, he's behaving more and more erratically. Until last night I thought Tuvok at least was the same. At least Alex hasn't turned out to be a murderer or a spy. Not here, any way.

"Do you want anything, it's on me?"

"Coffee, black. And a plate of fruit salad. So, you ate someone?" Alex, who had just taken a sip ,of his juice, choked. I smiled.

"No. Before I tell you, how open-minded are you? "

"How do you mean?"

"You believe in spirit guides, how about other stuff like that, ghosts, demons, possessions?"

"There are a lot of stories by my people about that sort of thing. I was skeptical, but now? I've seen too many things. Why?"

"In high school I was possessed by an animal spirit, a hyena. My pack ran wild, animal instincts ruling us. We ate a pig, raw, and hurt some people. I tried to rape one of my friends and kill another. Giles, my father figure, was able to find a spell that got rid of the spirits. I pretended not to remember, though I could. How could my two best friends still be that if I hadn't? Giles called me on it, but he knew it was best to keep it quiet."

"So that's why you're not sure if you have an animal guide? How did you get possessed in the first place? And how did Giles know how to help?"

"Do your people have any stories of a place known as the 'Mouth of Hell?' Or 'El Boca Del Inferno'?" I stared at him, bemused. Then my eyes widened.

"You mean those stories are true? No wonder you act the way you do sometimes."

"Hey!"

"I meant calm in a crisis, Alex. So this kind of thing happened a lot while you were growing up?"

"Yeah, but I didn't really notice till I was about fifteen. The authorities liked to keep all the ritual killings and demonic attacks quiet, it wasn't really good for tourism." I stared at him.

"That's disgusting. So tell me about Giles then."

"During my last year of High school I found out about my heritage. I left, so I could learn more and adjust to it. Back in my old hometown the mayor had arranged with some Powers to be changed. It would require a lot of people dying to do it.

"He decided the Graduation of my Senior Class would be ideal. My friends managed to stop him but they all died. The mayor failed in his Ascension but the cost was high. I can't help thinking though, that if I had been there, I could have done something."

"Alex, you probably would have died too. At least if you're alive you can remember them. There's a saying that a person isn't really dead as long as someone does."

"I guess you're right." He said slowly. He looked tired all of a sudden and I yawned.

"Okay, I think its time for a break."

"We haven't been talking that long."

"I need to think a bit about how to help you. And this will have taken it out of you emotionally. I understand now why you've been reluctant to speak."

"Well, I like the idea of nightmares better than the idea of being shut up as insane, Chakotay". The door commed then and I walked over to answer.

"Paris? What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see how Alex was feeling, Commander."

"Well, come on in. I need a shower anyway." I turned to go wash, and Paris stopped me with a hand on my arm. I looked at him in surprise.

"Before you go, I have to make sure you healed. Please?"

I nodded and he did so, Alex grinning at me from behind his back. Finally, he finished and I left the room. No Sonics for me this morning, I was going to have a nice, hot water shower.

************************

Twenty minutes later I came out of my bedroom, yawning. Sleeping on the couch after missing out on some sleep anyway was tiring. Then I stopped in shock at the sight before me. Paris and Alex were kissing.

Actually, they were all over each other.

Alex was laying on his back on the couch and Paris was spread on top, running his hands up and down Alex's body while their mouths never left each other. Alex was clawing at Paris' back and making little whimpering sounds in his throat. I roared and jumped in, pulling the chief pilot off my crewman. He glared at me and opened his mouth but Alex beat him.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Chakotay!" I looked at him in astonishment.

"He was attacking you…"

"You think he could hold me down if I really didn't want him to?" I stared at him.

"Alex, I'm sorry…"

"I think you owe Tom more of an apology." I stared at him then turned to Paris.

"You're right. Tom, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions like that." I held my hand out to him. He took it.

"It's okay, Chakotay, I understand. If it had been you I would have done the same." He smiled then and walked out. Alex started laughing as I stared at him.

"What's he talking about? And how long have you and he been together?"

"We're not. We were arguing about something when he said something about shutting me up and kissed me. I don't really remember much after that, but I know it felt pretty good. You don't have to worry, though." Now what was he talking about?

"Are you sure it's wise to get involved with anyone while you're in this state of mind?"

"Well, no. But Tom and I have been working towards something like this since we met. I mean, look at him, he's hot!"

"Hot?"

"Good looking, beautiful, those blue eyes, golden hair, that body." I knew what he meant. The first thing I noticed about him was his looks.

Then he had to open that mouth of his. I'm beginning to realise though that it's a defense, like Alex's. That boy can get really mouthy at times too. I should stop calling him that, I know he's older than that. Especially after seeing him with Paris. I don't know if Alex realises it, but he looks very good himself right now. His face is all flushed and his eyes are glowing, while his lips are swollen and…

"Chakotay?" I was suddenly standing a lot closer to Alex. I began to reach out to him and then stopped. What is this, I think of him like a son! Don't I? Alex moved up closer to me, his eyes questioning. Then they narrowed suddenly and he grabbed me and we started to kiss.

Alex/Xander's POV

I woke up with a headache to see I was lying in Chakotay's bed. I don't know how I got here but I think I'd better go. The last thing I remember is waking up from a bad dream and replicating a bottle of vodka. Did I come here drunk? Or to try and get Chakotay to join me?

The place certainly smelt as if a lot of alcohol had been drunk.

I got up and found my clothes before sneaking out of the bedroom. My captain was lying on the couch, uncomfortably hunched up. I winced in sympathy as I thought of how good he was to me. Really good, actually. Then I walked into the door. It hadn't opened for me.

"Computer. Open the door."

"Unable to comply."

"Why?"

"Privacy lock engaged." What? Why had he locked me in?

"What do you think you're doing?!" he said suddenly. I jumped then turned to glare at him.

"Chakotay! What's going on? I wake up in your bed, you're there, and the computer wont' let me out!" I glared at him. This had better be good.

"I told it to ignore any commands you made. You weren't exactly in your right mind last night." Uh oh. Not a good. Definitely not a good.

"I didn't try to eat anyone, did I?" I said as I sat down beside him. He looked at me in surprise, his mouth opening and shutting once or twice. I had never seen him look quite so flabbergasted.

"What?! When did you eat someone? No, wait, you didn't eat anyone last night. You commed me, we spoke, you began to tell me what was going on, including the fact of still having bad dreams, when Tuvok interrupted us." I did? Tuvok?!

"Why? I would have thought he had enough going on with investigating Suder."

"It seems that logically, you and I are the most likely to destroy the ship." I stared at him and started laughing. Too much! We carried on talking for a while, had breakfast and I finally began to tell Chakotay about myself. At least he had heard of the Hellmouth before.

But as for surviving? I would have lived even if I had been at Graduation. But maybe we could have come up a plan to get the students together to fight Wilkins?

We had stopped for a break when Tom breezed in. Chakotay kept giving him these little looks and Tom was looking back. Now when did that happen? Oh, this was going to be good. But I felt a little down, too, when I saw them do it.

Chakotay went to take a shower and I started laughing.

"What? I could do with a laugh too." He smiled.

"You two."

"Excuse me?"

"Both of you sneaking these little looks at each other, you like him!" I sang. Tom began to look annoyed.

"No I don't! What makes you think that?!" I smirked the patented Paris grin at him and he glared.

"Tom and Chakotay, sitting in a tree, kissing!" I sang again. Tom jumped up, fire in his eyes. I did too and he began to chase me around the room. I continued to taunt him as I ran and then I tripped, falling on to the couch. Paris leapt on top of me.

"I'll make you shut up!" And he bent his head down and kissed me. Lifting his head back up, we stared at each other. Then I pulled his head down and kissed him back as he sprawled out on top of me. I began to pull at his top, trying to get it off him, when all of a sudden Chakotay was there and he'd grabbed Tom and threw him off of me. I stared at him.

He looked absolutely furious. But I wasn't too happy right then myself.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Chakotay!" I glared at him.

"He was attacking you…"

"You think he could hold me down if I really didn't want him to?" I snapped. Was he thinking at all?

"Alex, I'm sorry…"

"I think you owe Tom more of an apology." He turned to Tom then and apologised. He left, and had to make one of his comments. The expression on Chakotay's face as he tried to make sense of it was priceless.

And then all of a sudden we were kissing too. First Paris and now Chakotay?

=end WEARY LIFE=