TITLE: Why I Am What I Am

AUTHOR: Ragna

writinggoddess@aol.com

RATING: R

CLASSIFICATION: Wishverse-Buffy POV.

SUMMARY: Wishverse-Buffy pauses for a moment to think about what's been handed to her in life.

SPOILERS: Set in the Wishverse, before Buffy arrives in Sunnydale from Cleveland.

DISTRIBUTION: Any sites with my fic up; you all have unspoken permission. I write it, you can post it. Everyone else just keep my name on it and let me know.

DISCLAIMER: If you don't recognize it, chances are it's my own creation. If you do, I don't own it. Joss Whedon, Kazui Sandollar, The WB, UPN, et. al. most likely do. The song "Rape Me" is owned by Nirvana, written by Kurt Cobain and is on the CD "In Utero."

FEEDBACK: Please send it offlist and let me know it's feedback; I do rapid delete on my account due to a lot of spam.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: An answer to Aaronlisa's Cleveland Buffy challenge, paraphrased as such:

"I would love to see a fic based on the AU of The Wish, but based on Buffy in Cleveland. Basically stuff like how did she get the
scar on her lip, and why is she so distant from her Watcher...Why is the Cleveland Buffy even harder and colder than Faith? What happened to her to make her so viscous?"

So I figured, why not?

DEDICATED TO: Even though I started this story on April 6th, after the 10th anniversary of his death, it's meant as a tribute to the late, great Kurt Cobain. The song used is one of my favorites and screamed to be used.



Why I Am What I Am
By Ragna

It's a bitch to be sitting on a bus going 2,000 plus miles to a place I couldn't care less about. Yeah, so I'm a Slayer...and? If the idiots in Sunnydale had a decent watcher and stronger Slayers, I'd be at home in Cleveland.

Not like it's much of a home, but I wouldn't be on this fucking Greyhound right now.

At least I have something decent to listen to. The last guy I was with, A. J., had decent taste in music. And he had every Nirvana CD known to man. Good for me, bad for him, because when we were over, those CDs went with me. So did the Walkman and some cash. Left while he slept; always was the love-'em-and-leave-'em type.

I love "In Utero" the best. it's darker, harsher, just like me. I'm not some perky cheerleader wannabe who cares more about fashion than surviving. I was a born fighter. Still am. Gonna fight till I die.

// Rape me
Rape me my friend
Rape me
Rape me again \\

Fuck, the only song on the CD I hate. Too many memories. But I can't figure out where the damn player is and I just...maybe I should think about it. One last time. Maybe I'll really think and become a better person.

Yeah. Right.

// I'm not the only one
I'm not the only one
I'm not the only one
I'm not the only one \\

He did this to me. I was normal before Tyler. Or Mr. Stein as he preferred to be called when we were at school. I was maybe fifteen when we started training, fifteen when I got told I was a Chosen One and may end up dying for the privilege to slay vamps.

But Tyler...damn. The stupid fuck. Couldn't leave me alone, couldn't keep his hands off me, his tongue out of my mouth, his hands out of my pants, his dick...

He raped me. There. After three years of pretending I never got hurt like that, that I was the weak one, it's out, in my head at least.

My Watcher raped me and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.

// Hate me
Do it and do it again
Waste me
Rape me my friend \\

You'd think because I'm a Slayer I could throw him against a wall, hurt him, make him pay...

No. He Held me down. He had such a tight grip for someone...non-Slayerish. He hurt me, left bruises on my wrists that would have lasted for a week or so if I wasn't the Slayer.

He tore my shirt, ripped my bra off and fondled my breasts to the point where it hurt, and he just had both my hands held over my head with one of his hands.

// I'm not the only one
I'm not the only one
I'm not the only one
I'm not the only one \\

I should have kicked harder, should have scratched his fucking face if I could have gotten my hands free. The whole time he was undressing me, he was telling me no one would believe it. My mom thought I was a whore anyway. I had no friends.

And who would the council believe: a respected Watcher or a tramp of a Slayer?

I did get one shot in, but it wasn't close to the groin. He grabbed the knife I always carried around in my pocket, sliced at my face.

Every time I look at myself, I see the scar *he* gave me.

// My favorite inside source
I'll kiss your open sores
Appreciate your concern
You'll always stink and burn \\

And when he was inside me, it hurt. It hurt so bad. Everyone may have thought I was a slut, a whore, but I was a virgin.

Yeah, a virgin. He took that away from me, not that it meant much. He didn't care if I bled all over, if I cried, if the tears mingled with the mascara I wore as they fled down my face...

I just wanted it over, understand. So I shut up and I just cried.

I couldn't stop him. I was a Slayer. I had all the power to fight demons, and I couldn't stop my Slayer from treating me like a cheap lay.

// Rape me
Rape me my friend
Rape me
Rape me again \\

And when he was done...God, that was the worst. He didn't let my hands go, just pulled up his pants. Zipped them up. Buckled them. Did it all one handed.

I wanted to cut his hands off, cut his dick off...I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me.

And he smiled. He fucking smiled! Asked me if it was good for me.

And when he let me go, he just...left. Never saw him again after that.

// I'm not the only one
I'm not the only one
I'm not the only one
I'm not the only one \\

So, that's my story. Don't trust nobody anymore because they're all going to screw me over anyway. Won't take another Watcher again, ever. Council doesn't like that decision than they can go fuck themselves.

I'm going to Sunnydale to kick some demon ass and, maybe if I'm lucky, I'll die before I have to think about my life again.

Maybe.

// Rape me!
Rape me!
Rape me!
Rape me!
Rape me!
Rape me!
Rape me!
Rape me!
Rape me! \\


END