Author: Scribe
Fandom: Commercials
Pairing: Oh, lord--nothing really graphic, but LOTS of them--slash mostly, but some het.
Rating: Let's say hard R, just to be safe.
Summary: Your favorite commercial icons get down and get funky together.
Archive: Yes
Feedback: poet77665@yahoo.com
Status: WIP
Sequel/Series: The Commercial Sex Series
Disclaimer: I did not create the characters here, I don't own them. I derive no profit from this effort. I mean nothing but respect for the creators, owners, and the actors and actresses who portray them.
More disclaimer: Nobody write me screaming that this is RPS/RPF. It isn't. Some of the characters mentioned were not animated, they were live actors and actresses, but the characters here are just that--CHARACTERS. It's no more Real Person stuff than anything written about Lord of the Rings or the X Files, as far as I'm concerned.
Websites: http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/scribescribbles and http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/foxluver
Warnings: I've been threatening to do this for some time. I need a break from Nanowrimo, and *shrug* frankly, I'm feedback starved, and these usually get a reaction. *unrepentant grin* There may be some implied bestiality, and there will be some het mentioned. Oh, and if multiple partners squick you, steer clear.
Notes: If you have trouble recognizing or remembering the players, you might check here. And even if you DON'T need them, they're pretty darn interesting. http://www.tvparty.com/vaultcom2.html and http://www.toymuseum.com/main.html
More notes: Bonus points for catching references to previous Commercial Sex stories.
Ad Orgy
By Scribe
A Small, Very Discrete Luxury Hotel Somewhere In America
Estralita looked up from her cup of coffee as Lawanda entered the room. The woman was moving a little unsteadily, and her eyes were stretched wide open. "What's wrong with you?" said Estralita.
Lawanda went to her purse, opened it, and took out one of those mini-bottles of booze that she'd picked up on her last vacation. She looked at it closely, muttering, "What is this? What...? Four Roses. That should be safe." She unscrewed the cap and took a deep swallow.
"Girl, you're going to get yourself fired."
Lawanda came and sat down at the table. "Like I care. I don't know if I'll be working here after tonight, or not." She took another drink. "Este, I've seen a lot of weird shit in my life. I once drove past two guys making out in the open cab of a SUV on a back road. That surprised me, but it didn't make me run off the road. But this... THIS!"
"You knew when you came to work here that we rent out the place for, uh, 'adult' gatherings."
"Orgies, yeah. People who are having lots of sex are usually in a good mood, and tip well. I'm down with it, as long as no one goes trying to drag my ass into a pile." She smiled faintly. "Not unless THEIR ass is particularly fine, anyway. I didn't bargain for this sort of insane shit, though. You haven't started your shift yet?"
"Nope." She lifted her cup. "I was just grabbing a cup before I went on the floor. You ought to have some. It's gooood. Lots better than the crap they usually stock here. Some Hispanic looking dude named Juan just dropped by a couple of bags of prime fine ground. Nice guy." She shook her head. "Can't say I cared much for his buddy, though. He was dressed like an extra from The Treasure of Sierra Madre, and he tried to steal the Fritos out of my lunch." She put a hand on her hip. "You know, that little sucker called 'em 'cronchy'?" She shook her head. "Juan could do better than that little short toot. Sucker's nose couldn't have come up higher than Juan's ass." She giggled. "Though when you consider that this is an orgy, that might be an advantage."
Lawanda stared at her. "Este, have you SEEN the guests?"
She frowned. "Well, there were a couple of them in the lobby when I entered. Two really nice looking guys--one of 'em in a suit, and the other dressed sort of like a beatnik, complete with the funky glasses. I knew they were here for the orgy because..." she snickered. "they were having phone sex." She looked thoughtful. "And they were sitting back-to-back, less than a foot away, talking to each other on cell phones. That WAS a little weird."
The Manuel, the desk clerk, came in for his backpack. "I've been relieved, and I am GONE, ladies. I tell you, if they ever want to book this group here again, I'd better get the day off."
"What sort of trouble did they give you?" asked Estralita.
"The suckers kept trying to lie when they signed in. Management made it clear--we're discreet, no one will ever get a guest list from us without the Supreme Court backing them up, but we HAVE to have real names. So what do I get? One of 'em tries to tell me his name is Joe Isuzu. Yeah, and we had Jane Honda in last week. I had a bunch of guys in giving the names of famous athletes--said they were the Wheaties Team. I had to turn 'em ALL away, because there was a very clear memo that none of them were allowed. Then there was a trio of guys showed up in drag--"
"Are you sure they weren't just sort of masculine girls?"
"Este, not even my Aunt Robella had a moustache like that short guy. They kept saying they were here for the Bud Ladies Night. What the fuck? So I directed them to the Femme to Femme group. I figure that at least some of those women will be tough enough to beat 'em up if they object." He smiled. "But ya know, the little dude you came in right after them made a pretty foxy looking girl. I asked him if he was interested in giving me his phone number and he says 'Yes, I am!'--big as you please." He showed the women the seven-digit number scrawled on his palm. "I got a date for next Saturday." He left, whistling.
Estralita shook her head. "All the good looking ones should be required to be at least bi."
"Testify, my sister," sighed Lawanda. "I saw this FINE looking man in the halls. Hoo-ey, dressed like one of those dudes on the front of those Regency Romances, top hat and all, and he's with... with some little top hat-and-monocle wearin' peanut."
"Short dude again, huh?"
"No--peanut. Like in a shell, baby. I TOLD you this gig is odd."
"It can't be all THAT bad."
"Yeah? There was some Amish sorta guy making out with a nun in a blue habit in one of the phone booths. He was panting 'Nothing is better for thee than me'." She rolled her eyes. "Fella sure doesn't suffer from an inadequacy complex. And I'll tell you another thing..." her voice dropped. "There are a LOT of animals around here."
"We allow pets, right?" said Estralita.
"Honey, it's like a petting zoo in one of those rooms, but I PROMISE you, it ain't no CHILDREN'S petting zoo." She finished the bottle, then sighed. "Okay, I'm fortified. I guess I can make the rest of my shift, but DAMN, I'm glad you're here. This much insanity needs to be spread around."
Estralita finished her coffee. "Let's go, then. What's up first?"
"Well, they need a LOT of linens all over the place. Let's start in the Food Play room--it's probably pretty messy."
They went to the linen closet and loaded a cart, then rolled it to the room with the Food Play sign on the door. Lawanda said, "You better let me take this. You ought to ease on in." She knocked.
The door was opened by a clown. Not a jerk--a grease paint wearing, red bulbnosed, greasy red grin from ear to ear, fire engine red haired clown. There were stains on his yellow jumpsuit that didn't bear thinking about. "Yeah?"
There was a shout behind him. "I'll have your narrow ass behind bars, Hamburglar! No one steals McCheese's man! Big Mac, honey, come back to me!"
The clown called over his shoulder, "Mayor, chill out! The whole point of this thing is to mix it up, right? Don't go all possessive." He looked at them again. "Yes, ladies?"
Lawanda extended the stack. "Towels."
"Great!" He took them. "Look, how do I get room service? We have a nice spread in here, but we need more sweets. We have one fig and a bunch of raisins in here, but the suckers are dancing all over the place, and they're frickin' COVERED in elves." He looked back and yelled, "Ernie! You little bastards are being hogs!" There was high pitched giggling.
"Press button B."
"Thanks. You're beautiful." There was a squeal. "Mac Tonight, I TOLD you--take off the shades so you can see where that damn pointy head of yours is going. Get back on the piano and give us some mood music." A cool, jazzy tune started up. "Yeah, Grimace, shake that purple ass!" He shut the door.
Lawanda sighed. "I'm gonna need therapy after this."
"Where next?" asked Estralita.
"Let's just work our way down."
They rolled down to the next suite of rooms. The sign on this one said More Than Just Doggie Style. Estralita put her hand on Lawanda's arm. "Wait a minute. Listen. Is that crickets?"
"Nope--frogs."
*Dig'em.* *Bud* *Wise* *Er*
Estralita frowned. "Shouldn't that be 'ribbet ribbet'?"
"Not at this shindig." She knocked.
The door swung open. A tiny, bright green lizard dropped from the knob with a grunt, then blinked round eyes up at them. "Hullo!"
Lawanda stared. "A talking Gekko."
"Yes. Can I help you? You're both lovely, but this is the, er, fur and feather frolic."
"So how did you get in?"
"Don't be cheeky."
Lawanda glanced into the room, then said sharply. "You! The one with the hump. No, no, no, you others. Not humping--hump. Yeah, you. There's no smoking here. Put it out. Thank you." There was the sound of rushing wings. "AND NO FLYING INSIDE! We don't have the insurance for it."
The gekko called, "Sonny, you cuckoo! Sam--you heard the lady." There was a squawk, and the gekko giggled. "Well, if you keep following your nose, who knows where it's going to end up?" He looked back at Lawanda and smiled. "Do you recall the old wive's tale about the size of a man's nose indicating the size of his...?"
"Are you kidding?" said Estralita eagerly. "I'd give a year of my life to check out Fox Mulder and Joxer the Mighty to see if it's true."
The lizard winked. "You see the size of the schnozzes on Sonny and Toucan Sam?" He waved his hand. "It's true, it's true! And boy, does that Vlasik story have a pickle on him."
From the room came a low growl. "Oh, oh, oh--it's grrrrrrrreat!"
*chuckle* "That Tony--what a tiger."
"Excuse me?" The women turned to see a large, brown bear.
"Teddy!" squealed the lizard. "The cola polars are looking for you."
"They're so cool!" said the bear.
"And Sugar Bear is waiting, too."
"Oh, he's a honey!"
"And..."
The bear put a paw to his forehead, as if about to swoon. "There's MORE?"
"That cute little koala showed up."
*shriek!* "Gawd, I LOVE Aussies! Ladies, please, let me by."
They moved, and he waddled past. Estralite told herself not to comment on his shape, even mentally. After all, he'd probably been hibernating. Right after the bear came two rabbits--one white and one brown. The white one was giggling. "Come to me, my chocolate treat! I just hope you don't live up to the Quik part of your name."
"Don't be childish," giggled the brown bunny.
"Hey, baby, I got your tricks right here--and they SURE ain't for kids!"
"I hope that pink guy with the shades shows up. He's a drummer!" *squeal!* "And he just keeps going, and going, and going..."
"Excuse me."
This time when they turned to look, there was a very nice looking Jersey cow She'd apparantly dressed for the event, since she was wearing a crown of daisies. The girls moved again, and the cow went to the door, bell clanging gently. "Gekky, have you seen my man? Handsome, white stallion, wearing multi-colored stripes?"
"Honey," the lizard said gently. "I've told you he's lying to you. He ain't no stallion--he's a zebra, and he's as fruity as they come."
"I won't believe you!" She stamped a hoof, then turned and stomped off, tail swishing angrily.
The lizard sighed. "Poor, silly cow." A brightly colored paw tapped the lizard, and he looked up at the orangish werewolf (Estralita promptly hid behind the cart). "What is it, you magnificent fruity brute?"
"Is Spuds coming?"
"I don't know, darling. Have you looked?" The werewolf growled. "You know I had to say it. Yes, Spuds is coming, but he said he had to get his tuxedo back from the cleaners. Tige isn't showing, though. He refused to come without Buster, and..." *shrug* "What can I say? He's human, and he's underage. Oh, but Nipper should be here any minute now. He said he'd DJ at the dance later."
"Sir, we can't wait any longer." She thrust a pile of towels at him, practically burying him. "Let's go, Este."
Este suddenly jumped up on the cart. "RAT!"
The small gray figure scowled at her. "Mouse, lady, mouse!"
As the maid sheepishly climbed down off the cart, they heard the gekko bubbling, "Chuckie, you cheesy devil! Come on in."
Lawanda shook her head as they made their way down the hall. "Girl, if a talkin' mouse is going to freak you out, you might as well just punch out now, because believe me--it gets a LOT weirder."
END PART 1