Title: Bullet Car

Author: Iocane

E-mail: iocane@crosswinds.net

Summary: Picks up right were "Of Scanning and Dreams" left off.

Disclaimer: John Matheson, Max Eilerson, Crusade, The Excalibur and all related names and trademarks belong to other people who are not named after fictional poisons.

Warning: This contains slash, though nothing explicit.

Pairing: Max/Matheson

Rating: PG

Archiving: WWOMB, CrusadeFic archive, Corrupt Data Crystal.

Notes: This takes place right where "Of Scanning and Dreams" left off.

Feedback is always appreciated!!!

By Iocane

Max awoke slowly, his cheek pressed on something warm and hard. Raising his head, he saw where he was and the night before came rushing back to him.

John ... He'd hurt John. The guilt of what he'd done came back to him in a flood. Max sat up and gazed down at the young man. His smooth, bare chest rose and fell steadily with is even breathing. Slowly, reverently, Max ran his fingertips up the middle of John's chest, caressing the delicate collarbone. John's eyelids flickered and Max pulled away. Sliding from the bed, Max dressed and left, unable to face the man he was leaving behind.

---

John Matheson's shift had ended five hours ago. He'd been riding the bullet car ever since. A few times others had gotten on, but none had stayed long. The telepath was fairly radiating negative emotions. John Matheson was fuming. He was also hurt to the core of his being.

Max didn't want him. That's the conclusion John had come to a week earlier when he'd woken up and Max hadn't been there. Despite what they'd shared the night before, the xenoarcheologist had been gone in the morning, and left no message.

Over the past week, they had encountered each other a number of times. But always when there were others around, and Max had been his usual cold, self-serving self - even more so than usual. John didn't have the courage to confront the other man. If Max didn't want him ... He could live with that.

Or so he thought. Since that empty morning, Matheson had been questioning himself at every turn ... If he could be so wrong about Max, could be possibly be right about anything? The young man hadn't been sleeping well lately. The sleep he did manage to catch was filled with dreams of Max, leaving him feeling depressed and even more lonely each time he awoke.

In only seven days, he looked a shadow of his former self. Sarah Chambers had even commented on his pale, wasted look. He brushed it off, saying that things had just been catching up to him lately.

If only they know the truth. The worst of it was, he couldn't bring himself to hate Max for leaving him. He simply loved the other man too much to maintain any anger or bad feelings for him.

The bullet car slowed, and the door hissed open. Matheson was astonished to see Max step inside. The other man didn't look at the lieutenant, instead taking the seat farthest from the younger man.

They rode in silence for a moment before Matheson spoke.

"Computer, execute code zero-five-delta-nine."

The bullet car slowed to a stop and cycled into a maintenance berth.

Matheson turned his attention to the bullet car's other occupant, who sat still, his hands clasped in his lap, eyes downcast.

Standing, John moved to sit directly across from the other man, refusing to be ignored.

Max finally spoke, his voice tired and hollow. "What do you want from me, lieutenant?"

"I want you to stop acting like nothing happened between us."

"I'm surprised you'd want to admit it." Max's eyes were still downcast, refusing to meet the other man's gaze.

"What? Why wouldn't I?"

"I know I'm not the most popular person on the ship. Hell, I know you only put up with me because of my 'knack'. I also realize that you and Gideon call me a pain in the ass, if not worse, on a regular basis."

John blushed and glanced away.

"Ah ... you're surprised I knew?" Eilerson smiled his bitter, twisted grin. "I'm old, tired, and embittered, but not stupid. I'm not a nice person, I don't get on well with most people. And I don't trust easily - as the one person I ever truly trusted not only broke my heart, but stole my cat from me. Looking back, I think I regret the losing the cat most. At least he accepted me for what I was - the eternal food source ... And, well.. Cynthia ... Cynthia just wasn't strong enough ... But that's a tale for another time." Max sighed, and put his hands over his face. "And now ... For the first time in years, I happen to fall in love with the most handsome, beautiful man I've ever known. And I'm a coward for not telling you outright. And I'm a monster for hurting you." Max stopped and looked up at the younger man. "And what's your response to that?" he said softly.

John stared for a moment, he hadn't been expecting such an outpouring of emotions from the other man. And he knew every word Max had said was true.

"You're not the only person here who has problems with trust, Max." John caught the other man's eyes when he looked up. "For a telepath to care for someone, on *any* level is ... very difficult for us. Doubly so if the person is a mun-a non-telepath. Telepaths have an almost genetic distrust of normals. We're persecuted and treated differently just because of something we were born with. A 'knack' so to speak." He saw Max's eyes flash at that. "Of everyone else on this ship, I think you're the only person who would have any idea what it's like for me. You didn't ask for your gift, I didn't ask for mine, but here we are. Nothing either of us can do will change that.

"Some days, I envy you."

"Envy me? Why in God's name would you envy me?"

John could sense the other man's genuine confusion, even though they weren't touching. "Because ... Your gift doesn't dictate your every waking moment. You don't have to follow an impossibly strict line of regulations just because of an accident of birth. You don't have to let someone ... violate you every six months to make sure you're doing your job right." As John spoke, his words sped up, his voice rising in pitch as he became more emotional. "You're not going to get called back to Earth for scanning someone you've fallen in love with." The words tumbled out and John was powerless to take them back.

For a moment, the two men sat, not touching, not looking at each other.

"So, where do we go from here?" John asked, finally breaking the heavy silence.

"I honestly don't know." Max glanced quickly around. "How come no one's gotten on ... In fact, why aren't we moving?" He feebly attempted to change the subject.

"Well, I was going over some system codes and found it. It's some kind of privacy code for bullet cars. It shunts the car into an empty maintenance berth and turns off all recording equipment."

"Recording equipment?! You mean ..."

"No. Turned it all off. In fact ... " John blushed slightly. "I was hoping you would show up, so I took the liberty a few hours ago - before you came in - of disabling all cameras and speakers. Being second in command does have its advantages."

"Indeed."

"All I have to do is disable the command, and we can go back to normal."

"We can never go back from this."

"I know." John's voice was very quiet. "We should go somewhere though. I ... I'll disable the command, and we'll go our own ways." John hoped Max would want them to go somewhere together, but was afraid to say so himself.

"Good idea." Max sat back, preparing in case someone boarded the car after it re-entered the flow.

John disabled the command, and the car hummed to life. At the first stop, he got off. Turning, he hoped for a second to see Max following him, but was not surprised to see the closed door. Pushing his disappointment down, he made his way to his quarters, using the time to evaluate what had happened.

Max rode the bullet car to the next stop, disembarking. As luck would have it, he was closer to Matheson's quarters than the Lieutenant himself was. A smile played as his lips for a brief moment before he repressed it. Walking quickly, he made his way to the other man's quarters.

-End-

More to come, of course