Title: None So Blind

Author: Mistress Sarah

Fandom: Crusade

Summary: There are some that believe that according to the doctrine of karma, for every morally determinate thought, word, or action, there will be corresponding karmic compensation, if not in this life, then in some future life. As a man sows, so shall he reap. There are others that disagree, and say that a person consists of desires. As is his desire, so is his will; as is his will, so is the deed he does, whatever deed he does, that he attains.

Disclaimer & Introduction. Just a mandatory disclaimer that these characters are not mine, and that they are copyrighted, and protected by many people. I have borrowed them to dust them off, and breathe life back into them for a few moments. I also hope I have not offended anyone who is familar with the Hindu religion. If there are errors, please feel free to email me so that I might learn of, and correct the error.

Note: John Matheson; Matthew Gideon. Series is rated NC-17. m/m. First and foremonst, Angst with a few other things thrown into the mix.

Archiving: Iocane and the WWOMB archive

Series: Introduction to Karma

Rating: G (for this section)

Status: Complete, unless someone points something out. :D

Karma: Law of Action; Law of Desire.

by Mistress Sarah..

For more information on karma & Hinduism, please see http://members.home.net/lumiere/karma/ and also your local, friendly encyclopedia on the net such as Encarta. Also you may want to look at http://www.hindumythology.com/.

Concepts in Hinduism.

This vast universe is a wheel. Upon it are all creatures that are subject to birth, death, and rebirth. Round and round it turns, and never stops. It is the wheel of Brahma. As long as the individual self thinks it is separate from Brahma, it revolves upon the wheel in bondage to the laws of birth, death, and rebirth. But when through the grace of Brahma it realizes its identity with him, it revolves upon the wheel no longer. It achieves immortality.

The precise quality of the new birth is determined by the accumulated merit and demerit that result from all the actions, or karma, that the soul has committed in its past life or lives. All Hindus believe that karma accrues in this way; they also believe, however, that it can be counteracted by expiations and rituals, by "working out" through punishment or reward, and by achieving release (moksha) from the entire process of samsara through the renunciation of all worldly desire

The Law of Action

According to the doctrine of karma, for every morally determinate thought, word, or action, there will be corresponding karmic compensation, if not in this life, then in some future life. As a man sows, so shall he reap.

K. L. Sheshagiri Rao, in Pappu, 23

The Law of Desire

Others, however, say that a person consists of desires. As is his desire, so is his will; as is his will, so is the deed he does, whatever deed he does, that he attains.

Brhad-aranyaka Upanisad (Radhakrishnan), IV.4.5

Prayaschitta

Prauaschitta is done for the destruction of sin. In the Code of Manu you will find various kinds of Prayaschitta for the destruction of various kinds of sins... Prayaschitta is of two kinds, viz., 1. Extraordinary (Asadharana) and 2. Ordinary (Sadharana). Extraordinary penances are those which are prescribed in the Code of Manu for the destruction of particular sins... If anyone repents and openly admits his minor offenses, the sin is washed away. In doing Prayaschitta the offender actually suffers, he punishes himself by long fasting and other ordeals as described above. Action and reaction are equal and
opposite.

Swami Sivananda (1), 208-209

Dharma is Sanskrit for "duty" or "the right way to live." It incorporates a number of interrelated concepts central to Hinduism: the nature of the world, the social order, cosmic law, and social law. One of the "four goals of humanity" (along with pleasure, profit, and release), dharma represents the belief that the way things are (descriptive law), for example, the sun rises in the east, is inseparable from the way things should be (prescriptive law), for example, Brahmins should not eat beef. The Sanskrit textbooks of dharma (Dharmasutras and Dharmasastras), with their argumentative commentaries, attempt to reconcile the particular, relativistic dharma of caste (svadharma, what each person is and should therefore do) with the general, absolute dharma of a universal ethics (sanatana dharma, eternal dharma, what all people should do: tell the truth, refrain from killing, be virtuous, and the like).

Many of the goals and ideals of renunciatory Hinduism have been incorporated into worldly Hinduism, particularly the eternal dharma (sanatana dharma), an absolute and general ethical code that purports to transcend and embrace all subsidiary, relative, specific dharmas. The most important tenet of sanatana dharma for all Hindus is ahimsa, the absence of a desire to injure, which is used to justify vegetarianism (although it does not preclude physical violence toward animals or humans, or blood sacrifices in temples).

The gods of the Hindu universe are guardians of the natural order. They help humans enjoy a worldly life. They also provide the means to break free from the wheel of rebirth. The three supreme manifestations of the surpreme divine principle are:

Brahma, the creator, who introduces the soul into the cycle of life;

Vishnu, the sustainer, who helps the soul participate in the cycle of life;

Shiva, the destroyer, who liberates the soul from the cycle of life.

Who is Kali?

The gods could not kill the demon Raktabija. Every drop of his blood that touched the ground transformed itself into another Raktabija. Within a few minutes of striking this asura with their weapons, the gods would find the entire battlefield covered with millions of Raktabija clones. In despair, the gods turned to Shiva. As Shiva was lost in meditation, they turned to his consort Parvati.

The goddess immediately set out to do battle with this dreaded demon in the form of Kali. Her eyes were red, her complexion was dark, her features gaunt, her hair unbound, her teeth sharp like fangs. As she rode into the battleground on her lion, Raktabija experienced fear for the first time in
his demonic heart. Kali ordered the gods to attack Raktabija. She then spread
her tongue to cover the battlefield preventing even a single drop of Raktabija's blood from falling on the group. Thus, she prevented Raktabija from reproducing himself.

Drunk on Raktabija's blood, Kali ran across the cosmos killing anyone who dared cross her path. She adorned herself with the heads, limbs and entrails of her victim. To pacify her, Shiva threw himself under her feet. This stopped the goddess. She calmed down, embraced her husband, shed her ferocious form to became Gauri, radiant mother.

******

Title: None So Blind

Author: Mistress Sarah

E-mail: Mistress Sarah qksilver35@aol.com

Summary: There are none so blind as those that refuse to see. And there are some questions that should remain unasked, even among friends.

Disclaimer: These are not my characters. They are owned, copyrighted and created by far wiser people than me. I have attempted to bring them back to life for a short time, attempting to ease that gaping hole in my heart where B5/Crusade once was.

Note: John Matheson; Matthew Gideon. NC-17. m/m. Angst.

Archiving: Iocane and the WWOMB archive

Series: Part 1 of 6 of the "Karma" series

Rating: NC-17

Karma I

"None So Blind"

by

Mistress Sarah

"Captain. It has been great knowing you. Any regrets?"

"Honestly. No. Well, just one." I admitted to the young Oriental next to me.

"Which is?" John Matheson gave me a weary smile..

"I was really hoping that we would find the Cure. Also, I think dying in the middle of a cave in was not the way I was planning on going." Scowling, I looked at the ninety tons of rocks that were separating us from the real world. "Too bad Galen's not here to Technomagic it all away for us. One snap of his fingers, and we'd be free from one hundred tons of rocks." I snapped my fingers to show how easy it would have been for Galen. John flashed me his gentle smile, and I felt better. For some odd reason, no matter how dark and dismal things were, his smile would always brighten my day. Possibly because it was so rare when the young man actually unbent enough to smile. That was John Matheson, too intense, and far too serious at times for such a young man.

"Really? How were you planning on dying? Hand to hand combat with the Drakh Imperious Leader? And after killing it, find the Cure and return home a hero?" John Matheson was at his quirky, puckish best right now, so I gave him a quick grin to let him know that I appreciated his humor. "Shall I start shredding the ticker tape for your parade? I don't really have much else to do right now." John waved a piece of paper at me, and mimed shredding it into bits for my ticker tape parade.

"Too ostentatious. Besides don't shred that list of supplies you just made."

"What? Don't you have it memorized already? I mean, one rescue kit, three chocolate bars, three canteen bottles of water, and a few other items aren't that hard to memorize." John neatly folded the paper up and put it into his pocket. "I still can't believe that the first aid kit got smashed flat by a thirty pound rock."

"Don't forget the KY." I added that comment sarcastically, while John laughed softly. "Trust Eilerson to remember the damn KY."

"Captain. KY is useful for when lubing up machine parts that get stuck. Are you implying that perhaps, Mr. Eilerson is using EF supplies for something other than its ordained purpose?"

He grinned at me, noting that I had tried to embarrass him by commenting on one item in particular that he hadn't mentioned in his listing of supplies. It hadn't worked as John had volleyed it right back at me. Point to Matheson.

"Actually, I do have one regret." I sighed, and pretended to ponder a grave issue. I stuck my chin out, trying to appear serious.

"What?" He was tired, but we had been talking for the last nineteen hours straight, ever since that cave-in had occurred, blocking us from the exit. The cave in wasn't too bad, but the subsequent earth tremors had been increasing in frequency, and making the cave very unstable. Part of the cave had collapsed further from the last earth tremor, and I wasn't very comfortable with how secure our tomb was. If the Excalibur crew didn't figure out a way to get the two of us the hell out of here, pretty soon it would be Sayonara, and Good Night, Matt and John.

"I have this great first officer, who I'm about to die with. And, for all the years I've known him, he's never called me, Matthew. One would hope that at the end, he might stop calling me, Captain." Looking elsewhere, I was pretending not to see that John had smiled briefly at my joke. YES! He smiled, so I mentally gave myself another point under the "Successful Smiles that I managed to coax from John Matheson" category.

"I'll have to think about it. It does break most of the chain of command theory that I have tried to strictly follow during my career in EF." John continued to deliberate the issue seriously for some time, and then he sighed in obvious disappointment. "'Fraid, no can do, Captain."

"John!" I was horrified, and he gave me his puckish grin. He was yanking my chain again, trying to get a rise out of me.

"MATTHEW!" he said, laughing at me.

"See. The ceiling didn't cave in from that." I admonished him, while pointing to the cave's ceiling to prove my point.

"No, that was before I used your first name, Matthew." The younger man dryly reminded me.

"You're in rare form today. Have I told you that?" My comment earned another rare smile, and another point.

"That might be the fifteenth time in the last four hours. But, dying does it for me. Sharpens the wit." He stretched for a moment, catlike, and then he gave me another smile.

We sat in companionable silence, each staring at the piles of rock, lost in our own thoughts. The silence spread and grew, until I found it overwhelming and crushing. I guess I'm somewhat claustrophobic. Or maybe it's because now, at the end of my tour of duty with John, I still didn't think I knew him as well as I liked to have. We were friendly, but sometimes I felt that John was hiding something from me, and I had always wondered what it was.

"So, what regrets do you have? Seriously, I'd like to know." I questioned him softly.

"They're rather personal. Actually." John looked sheepish, and I knew not to press the issue.

"Ok. I think I'm taking my comlink off. Don't want to activate it accidentally while I'm sleeping. I don't want the crew to know that you snore." Taking off my comlink, I set it down next to me. No smile, no point. Darn.

"I don't snore."

Matheson was sounding as querulous as an old lady and he then offered me the water bottle. I nodded my head in acknowledgment of his offer and with a toast, "Salud", took my rationed sip from the rapidly emptying bottle.

-=-=-

Two hours later.

"I'm beginning to think we're not getting out of this." That was John, who was staring at the piles of rock. Outside, I could hear the sound of heavy machinery being put into position. I hoped that the lucky people outside would be more careful than when they had first tried to get us out of this damn death trap. They had nearly managed to collapse the damn cave on us, while rushing blindly in to solve the problem of our entrapment. They hadn't thought out the possible consequences of moving a few rocks would do to the stability of the area. Goddamn idiots nearly had gotten us killed! Fortunately, Max managed to outshout everyone else, and he gotten Ensign Modesitt down on the planet to become Incident Command. Apparently Modesitt was an engineer who also like spelunking, so she knew... ROCK. Maybe Rae was the person to get us the hell out of here. I'd certainly nominate her for a medal or two or even a promotion if she succeeded.

"I know." I was keeping my answers short and sweet, hoping I could drag more of a conversation out of John Matheson. Anything was better than just sitting in the dark, listening to seconds of your life ticking away. Tick tock. Tick Tock. "So. What regrets do you have?"

"I'm still not answering them." He admonished me for pushing the issue.

"You're no fun!" I growled at him.

"I know. It specifically says in EF regulations that XOs are responsible for being killjoys."

=--

Five hours later.

I felt a slight shaking, and I immediately sprang into action. "Earth tremor" I yelled, as I tackled John Matheson. I heard him mumbling underneath me, and I protectively covered his head with my arms, as the cave shifted above us. Rocks fell, dirt filled the air, and I began to cough softly.

"Can you warn me next time?" His voice was muffled, and I heard him laughing softly. "Matthew. Do you honestly think that would have helped me if the roof collapsed?"

"I would have died knowing that at least I tried." I answered him shortly, and then rolled off of him. Fortunately when I had landed on him, I hadn't made direct skin to skin contact with him, so I don't think I broke any Psi- EF rules there. "I think they've gotten discouraged out there." I admitted. By now, I really had a buzz from not sleeping and the adrenaline rushes. Euphoria is such an odd feeling, especially when you know it's induced by lack of sleep and an overabundance of adrenaline in your system. Nothing like trying to sleep during an earthquake to keep you awake. Anyway, I was feeling really strange, and I was trying to keep my mouth shut. Else who knows what else might come bubbling out?

"I know. I have gotten discouraged here." John admitted softly.

"So. John." I drawled, forgetting my vow to not pry into that particular question again.

"Yes, Matthew." His voice was quiet in the darkness, and I knew he was going to absolutely hate my next question.

"Any regrets?" I asked again.

"Oh God. Not this again."

-=-=-=-=-=
Four hours later.

I had tried to sleep, but the adrenaline was playing havoc with my system. I was pretty much wired for sound right now, and I had paced the area repeatedly, earning an amused look from John. Finally he had told me bluntly to sit down, and stop pacing as John felt like he was watching a wild animal in a cage. This caged animal was constantly pacing and always looking for any possible escape from our cage.

"John. I think I know your regrets." We had both stripped out of our jackets, and we were just sitting among the rocks, talking and bonding. I laughed slightly, and John gave me a look that said he wasn't as slaphappy as I was.

"Not this again." He sounded weary, and I laughed again.

"You regret . . . " I smiled at him. "Not getting involved with . . . Dureena!" I looked at him, waiting for a response.

"You're wrong." He gave me his brief smile again, and he refused to admit anything more.

"Sarah?" I questioned him again.

"Wrong . . . again." That was admitted softly and slowly as though the thought had never crossed his mind, and he had to really think about that possibility before answering me. He had appeared puzzled for a moment, and then he had smiled slightly. But the answer was still no. Hmm... Who then?

"So which beauty on the Excalibur do you regret not getting involved with?" He didn't look at me, and I suddenly guessed that his unrequited love wasn't female. "Oh. It's a guy?"

"Matthew, please."

He wanted me to avoid this subject, but since I was dying I figured I had the right to know.

"I don't mind. I'm not that parochial. " I admitted to him. "So . . . did he ever know?"

"Matthew . . . Please . . . " John was trying to warn me to stop questioning him, but I ignored him.

"Galen?" I teased. The mental image of Galen and John together made me want to laugh out loud. The Technomage with his ego, and my XO John, being involved in a torrid romance! Not enough room in a king-sized bed for the three of them.

"MATTHEW!" He was obviously horrified by the sheer thought of that person.

"DON'T TELL ME EILERSON!" Now, I was horrified. Dear God, NO. That was far worse than Galen was, as Max had a distinct taste for the exotic. Trust me, I had seen the porn crystals, and I still couldn't figure out how that one alien . . . NEVERMIND! But maybe there was a secret, hidden side to John Matheson, Telepathic Casanova of the Stars and all around Lothario. Nah . .. not my John. The silly thought that maybe John had gotten Max to call him "Master" and that John had housebroken my chief pain in the ass amused me greatly, so I laughed softly.

HEY! Maybe John had told Max to bring the KY along for a little fun. That thought made me laugh harder.

"Matthew . . . Please." He sighed again, and I could tell I was embarrassing him.

Silence.

-=-=-=-

Six hours later.

I had finally dozed off and the damn planet decided to rock and roll for a bit. "That's it, I'm never going to get any sleep. Remind me to tell the Tour Guide that I want a refund for the lousy bed." John didn't smile, so I figured that he wasn't listening to me. Really, I think he was just answering me half-heartedly, so maybe it was a good time to get that little secret out of John Matheson. "So . . . "

"Yes, Matthew?" John was immediately on guard, and I tried to smile at him to reassure him.

"How long have you?" I waved my hands at him, trying to prompt him into answering my question and he shook his head in disbelief, sighing at my audacity.

"Matthew!" Crossing his arms, he turned away from me, and leaned against the cave's wall. Plainly, he was stating, but extremely politely, that he really didn't want to talk about this relationship.

"John?" I prompted him again.

"Ok. For a while. Ok?"

"So, why didn't you two get hooked up. Didn't he know that you liked him?" I really shouldn't be asking him such personal questions, but we had been friends for many years now and well, I was curious on whom he had this secret crush on. Never would I have guessed that John Matheson was secretly pining away with an unrequited love affair!

Sighing, and obviously giving up on trying to get me to stop the twenty questions about his personal life, John turned to look at me. "No, I don't think he ever did. I'd be humiliated if he ever thought that I . . . cared for him like that. He'd probably not be that . . . thrilled." He admitted that to me, regretfully, and for a moment, I was furious at this secret love. What wasn't there to like about John Matheson? Loyal, dependable, my rock of Gibraltar. I guess he was cute, if you looked at him that way, which I never had. But I had overhead Dureena one day, so I KNEW that the women of the Excalibur thought John was cute. They thought I was cute in a surly type of way. SURLY? But the ladies thought John was absolutely adorable.

"Look, do you want me to talk to him?" I offered. Which was silly, as we weren't apparently getting out of this fine mess we were in.

"NO!" He was horrified, and I winced.

"Sorry!" I silently mouthed that at him. John nodded, accepting my apology. "Was he involved with someone else?" I questioned, and for a moment, John looked pensive.

"Yes." Matheson spoke that slowly and softly. "He needed her. He was able to . . .be himself with her . . .which is what he truly needed. Apparently, I wasn't able to be that person for him. I really tried, Matthew, I DID. Silly me, all I ever really wanted was to be that person for him... but it simply wasn't to be." For some reason, John looked at me intently when he said that, and all I could do was nod my head in agreement. I was sure that John had tried, and I wondered again who was so thickheaded that he couldn't see what was obviously right in front of him. "But at least, he had her." He shook his head, and sighed slightly. "I just wish that it could have been me." For some reason, I got the idea that I wasn't suppose to hear that last comment.

I knew enough to let the subject drop and so I tried to get some sleep.

-=--=-=-

Four hours later.

Two earth tremors later, and a split chocolate bar between the two of us, I decided to poke some more into my XO's personal life. "Did you ever want to have sex with him?" These questions were just bubbling up from somewhere, and I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. For a moment, I wanted to blame my questions on my mental exhaustion, but I knew better. I was being a deeply concerned friend who was poking into things he should not be involved in. Obviously who ever this guy was, he wasn't good enough to be involved with my XO as he was unbelievably obtuse. John deserved far better!

"Matthew. Please. Can we STOP this conversation?" John was embarrassed, and for a moment, I wished I could have taken my questions back.

"You must have!" I responded.

"Ok. I did. Happy now? Can we end this conversation? Please?" John then got up from where he was sitting, and he began pacing our jail, and I timed him at slight over ten minutes to slowly walk the perimeter of our grave.

"We're dying in here. We've been stuck in this damn cave in for almost two days now. They're not getting us out." I whispered that softly at John, and he sighed.

"I know."

*-*-*-*

Five hours later, I rolled over after dozing for a bit, and I found John Matheson pretending to be sleeping soundly. The two of us were sharing the only blanket we had found in the rescue kit, and he was sleeping with his back facing me. We were carefully not touching each other, but still we were close enough to radiate some body heat. But he wasn't sleeping, so I touched him gently on his shoulder, making sure that the sleeve of my leather jacket covered my hand. After all these years, I was careful to never directly touch my first officer unless he gave me permission first. That tackle I had given him during the most severe of the earth tremors had been accomplished without direct skin to skin contact. Never could I even offer him a simple handshake for a job well done, for fear of what Jones would imply in that simple gesture of friendship.

Suddenly, it hit me, why John was having such difficulty in talking to me. His shields! As a Telepath, he must be straining to block my thoughts. We were in tight quarters, and with it only being the two of us, he must be having trouble preventing himself from scanning me accidentally. What to do? Hmm...

"Roll over." I ordered him softly.

"How'd you know I wasn't sleeping?" His voice was soft, and John didn't roll over to face me. That meant that he was upset, and that John didn't want to let me know that he was. After all these years together, the two of us knew each other's quirks very well. My loyal XO, not wanting to burden me with his own doubts and fears, while I was wrestling with my own, was trying to hide his feelings from me.

"Easy." Injecting a false cheer into my voice, I tried to get John to start talking to me. Such a lonely man, my XO never talking to anyone at the very times he needed to talk the most. At those times, when he was shutting himself behind a wall of solitude, I was usually trying to force him into talking to me. Like now.

"Easy? How so? A Captain's sixth sense?" His voice sounded better, as though John was trying to be upbeat for me.

"You weren't snoring." I admitted that dryly, waiting for him to react to that comment.

"Well, you were. I can assure you that if we taped it, and broadcast it over the Drakh home world, we'd be given the Cure within an hour or so. They'd be fighting to surrender."

"I don't snore that bad."

"Of course not, Sir." John continued to mock me quietly, in an obviously insincere voice.

We were quiet for a few minutes, and I noticed that he was shivering. Our cave was at times hot and cold, and now, it was distinctly chilly.

"Cold?" I finally offered that comment to him.

"Very."

"Don't move." I moved myself next to him, deliberately making physical contact with him. I wrapped my body next to him, lying next to him spoon style and I was surprised by how cold he was. "I, Matthew Gideon, give you permission to scan me." I whispered that in his ear, and I felt John tense up after that comment. Rearranging the blanket, I tried to make sure that he was completely covered by it.

"Sir!" For a moment, I thought John was going to bolt. But bolt where? We were both going to die in this damn cave. Then why had I given him official permission to scan me? Perhaps because deep in my soul, I hoped that we wouldn't die in this damn cave. Or, maybe I was being realistic, and offering him the possibilty that his last few moments would be peaceful, rather than final moments where he vainly fought to maintain his shieldings.

"John. Your Captain's freezing, so I am giving you a direct order to warm him up with your body temperature before he turns into an ice cube." I was warmer, and feeling drowsy, so I felt myself floating off into slumber.

"Sir . . . I won't scan you. I swear it."

John's voice radiated sincerity, and I smiled briefly in the dark, glad that he couldn't see my amusement. John would kill himself in the process of blocking me out before he would scan me, and I didn't want that. No, not at all. I guess I am a bit overprotective of my Telepathic XO, but even cold-hearted, fire-breathing Captains can be human sometimes. Not too often, but just human enough to drive their crews crazy.

"I know you won't. But you're exhausted, John, and if something slips, don't worry."

-=-=-=-=-=

He was asleep, curled next to me, and I was still awake, listening to the sound of Matthew's breathing relaxing into the sound of a man deeply asleep. I had been having difficulty with my shielding during this entire "incident" so I figured that Matthew must have noticed it. Trapped in a small, confined space with someone, with whom I was . . . friendly, it was difficult not to pick up . . . things. So I had focused completely on my shielding, and I was becoming exhausted with the effort of keeping him firmly out of my mind.

Gideon had grilled me earlier in our adventure, trying to find out my illusive "love of my life," and I think he obviously had no clue that I was talking about him. Stolid, sober, dependable, TELEPATHIC John Matheson was absolutely head over heels for his captain. HAD BEEN FOR YEARS! If he hadn't noticed it by now, and if none of the other crew members had recognized and commented on it, then I wasn't acting like the giddy, love-struck fool I thought I was.

All the Joneses I had dealt with in my time with him never caught a whiff of the fact that I carried a torch for him. Hell, Torch? Try a supernova. A supernova that Matthew had just chosen not to see. I didn't think Matthew was unaware of my feelings, but that he had decided just not to SEE it.

I don't know what I would have done if he knew that I loved him. Hopefully he'd never know. For some reason, I thought he'd be furious . . . or . . . maybe . . . embarrassed with my "crush", or dismiss it, thinking it an intense case of hero worship. Or else . . . he'd be uncomfortable. Not that Gideon was homophobic, but . . . just that . . . I'd hate to lose our friendship over something that simply could never be. Having no chance for what I truly wanted, I willingly took whatever crumbs I was offered, and I cherished them deeply. Friendship with the man I loved would have to be enough for me. It had been for all these years, but why at night, did I still yearn for more?

Hell! I didn't yearn, I burned for him.

When Matthew had gotten involved with the Babylon 5 commander, Capt. Elizabeth Lochley, I had been... disapointed. Disapointed, but yet still relieved, because that meant that my emotional attachment to my Captain hadn't been apparently noticed by either of them as I was their unofficial chaperone. They appeared to be a good match, each trying to outdo one another on whatever assignment the two were working on. It had been rather amusing, when Gideon had been flustered when Lochley had mentioned his "rugged handsomeness" in front of me. Secretly, I had to laugh when Gideon realized that everyone was gossiping about him and the Captain from B5. So judging from his reaction to that bit of news, my Matthew wasn't the ladykiller that rumor had made him. Why else would he have appeared THAT embarrassed?

But I was secretly envious of her having my Matthew as her lover.

As a teenager, I had been an outcast among my telepathic peers, for two silly reasons. One was because I had always wanted to be in Earth Force. Secondly, I had deep reservations about the high percentage of arranged marriages between Teeps. My parents had been fortunate, I guess, that they had fallen in love and that their genetic structures had allowed them to marry and mate. But others that I had known hadn't been as fortunate. Two people wed together "for life" who barely tolerated one another.

I had found the whole idea of marrying a complete stranger, horrifying. Like a stallion being led to a fertile brood mare, except I would know everything that she felt and thought about me. Such vulnerability frightened me, especially when I looked at my fellow peers in the corps. They had mocked me because I had wanted to be in EF and they had taken delight in belittling that idea relentlessly. I could just imagine what they'd say when they found out that I wanted to actually love the person I was intimate with.

Radical! Subversive! Fool!

Fortunately, I was allowed to continue with my education, undisturbed by thoughts of arranged marriages. In the grand scheme of all things Telepathic, a P6 really isn't that important to the "improvement" of the breed, so I was allowed to finish my education. It had been close to the time that I would be . . . introduced to an unattached but genetically suitable female when I got mixed up with that "Telepath." No doubt my superiors had decided to trust me with her captivity as a way of trying to bring John Matheson, "outsider" back into the fold. The Corps trusted me with its most dangerous enemies, and I should have embraced the Corps for giving me that trust.

The simple act of allowing the rebel to remain drug free for a time had given her a chance for revenge on the Corps. That single moment had pretty much sealed off any chance for me to experience intimacy with another 'Path. Mental intimacy would soon reveal my darkest secret; that I had helped kill off my fellow Telepaths. She had told me and promised me that by not taking that action of drugging her, I wasn't involved in what happened later on. She meant well, I knew, and she hadn't realized that she was lying to me. I knew, but still I agreed to her plan, knowing full well what it meant.

The Corps was Mother, and Father, and I had helped kill them. I was a kin murderer. Outcast. Unclean. Pariah.

So the Telepathic "Incident" had occurred, and when the dust settled, I grabbed the golden ring that I had long thought was out of my reach. John Matheson, EF cadet was my new role. Alone and friendless, but at least, I was in EF. She had told me to live free, to follow my dreams, and so I did.

So the years had passed, and I hadn't really formed an attachment with anyone. I wasn't happy with that, but I kept myself hopeful that perhaps one day, I'd find someone that I'd want to share physical and mental intimacy. Maybe find that special someone, get married and have a few children together.

Imagine my surprise when that someone had turned out to be my first commanding officer, a man who was the only one willing to take the first EF Telepathic officer on his ship. A mundane, of all things. God above, the person I loved just had to be a mundane, male, *years* older than I was, AND my commanding officer. If God had any type of compassion, I don't think God would have had my love turn out to be....

Matthew Gideon.

Foolish and lonely, I had been grateful whenever he stopped to talk to me in the hallway, questioning me about how I was fitting in with the crew and asking me other questions. Probably, he was just making small talk with his newest crew member, but I quickly began looking forward to these brief conversations, as Matt was the only one who was comfortable in talking with The Teep.

It had been a few months before I realized that I had a horrendously bad crush on my new Captain, and I had been horrified at that realization. So, I tried to pretend that I didn't, even though I mentally practiced having conversations with him. Not that I was trying to be witty or flirtatious, instead, I was trying to be not so Goddamn obvious. I was like a star struck teenager face to face with her matinee idol. My heart raced whenever he was nearby, but I kept trying to be cool and collected. Since I didn't spend hours socializing with my fellow crew members, I spent those hours pouring over any assignment I was given. Especially any assignments that Matthew casually assigned to me, I poured my heart into them, trying to make them perfect and polished.

A simple comment like "Looks good" from my Captain would have me deliriously happy for a brief time. Then I'd obsess on how I could do the next project even better.

Lord! He was easily ten years my senior and MALE. He was most assuredly . . . male, and I admired his easy confidence and the way Gideon handled himself. Cocky, arrogant, whimsical, he appeared to have everything under control. People flocked to him, guided by his charisma, and his personality. Not like the newest member of his crew, who could clear out a room in less than ten seconds flat.

Trust me, I had timed it.

Each day, I found myself hoping that he'd talk to me, as nobody else would. Mealtime was a nightmare, as everyone plainly made it clear that they didn't want the TEEP to sit at their table. So, I often went to mealtimes at odd hours, trying to assure myself of an empty table. Reading while I ate, I pretended that I was enjoying the solitude.

Telepaths are not naturally, solitary individuals as our lives are full of noise. Both mental and physical noise had permeated my life up until now to such an extent that I was now unbelievably lonely by the unending solitude. Keeping my shields up tightly, I tried not to focus on how lonely and quiet my new life was.

Outcast. Leper. A pariah masquerading as an EF officer.

One night, I had arrived at the cafeteria, and I found that all the tables were pretty much in use as everyone was eating late tonight. I grabbed my meal, saw an empty table, and quickly grabbed the seat. Right while someone else was grabbing the other chair at the table, I was sitting. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a class ring on my table mate's finger, and I realized who it was. GIDEON!

Quickly, I stood up, nearly knocking my chair over in my haste.

"Sir! I'll leave so you can have the table, Sir!"

"Ensign Matheson." His voice was low, and my heart was racing. He had USED my name. Stupid! Stupid! He was older! He was MALE! AND MATTHEW GIDEON IS YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER!

"Sir?" My voice didn't crack, I was proud to admit. Instead, my voice was low, and radiating a confidence that I simply didn't feel.

"Are you inferring that I need both chairs?"

That had been a rather unexpected comment, so I had smiled, briefly, before I had thought about how I really shouldn't be smiling at HIM. Then I made sure that my smile disappeared quickly. Zip! Gone, like it never had occurred. For some reason, I thought I saw my Captain silently mouth the word "ONE."

One? What the hell did THAT mean, I wondered.

"So, you do smile. I had my doubts there." Matthew flashed a smile at me, and he laughed softly.

Startled, I had stammered a response. "S-s-sir?" For a moment, I stared at him, and I suddenly realized that it was the first time I had ever really looked eye to eye to him. Gideon's eyes were hazel, and I realized that they were marked with a sorrow and a grief that I had never before noticed in his eyes. Was his self-assurance an act? Did Matthew Gideon have his own bitter regrets that haunted him just like mine did?

"In all your time on this ship, I've never seen you smile. Not even once, do you know that? Stop trying so damn hard, John. I admit that I'm not the most orthodox of captains but I certainly wouldn't write you up on charges if you smiled occasionally. Don't make me order you to smile, Ensign. I hear that I'm eccentric enough to do that."

"Sir?" I had whispered that again, and he smiled again, briefly.

"SIT. DOWN. That's an order, Ensign. A direct order from your commanding officer who will be rather annoyed if he has to order you to eat your meal. I expect you to make the effort to talk to me, regarding anything, including this inedible slop in front of us, as I don't think I've heard you say more than three words in all the time you've been on the ship. In fact, from now on, you and I are going to have a meeting every week to discuss how you are fitting in on the ship. As your commanding officer, I've been rather delinquent with your training as an officer. Therefore, I have to correct that oversight, so tomorrow 15:00 hours, my office."

"Sir?"

"And I don't expect to hear that term again in this conversation. So," Matthew looked at his plate, and he gave me a conspiratory smile. He stabbed something with his fork, and then waved it in my direction. "Do you think if we had let these poor things evolve for a few more weeks that they might have developed sentience?"

-=-=

I had scanned his mind one time. I had felt his mind and his thoughts, and I had been terrified that I would be kicked out of EF for the violating the rules.

We were on some god forsaken peacekeeping mission which had blown up in our faces. "Remind me, no good deed goes unpunished," Matthew had growled that at his head of security, when we found ourselves running into a firefight. We had fought hard especially when we realized that both groups had decided to join forces to take us out.

Running throughout the forests of that planet, I was point guard, while Matthew was at the head of our group. He was busy making plans on how to get his team the hell out of this no-win situation when we stumbled onto a booby mine. The last thing I realized was that the ground was exploding around us.

When I came to, I realized I was bleeding pretty hard from a head wound. Somehow I had landed in a stream after the explosion, and I remembered vaguely that I had run for the stream when I had heard the sound of an anti personnel mine being activated. That's why I was lying in the middle of the stream, and I noticed that I was significantly downstream from where I had jumped into the stream. It had been a reckless act of sheer stupidity that apparently saved my life. But now, I was soaking wet, and I was injured. Wiping the blood from my eyes, I grasped that my head was ringing loudly as though I had been stuck in the belfry when the bells had been rung for noon. Staggering to my feet, I realized that I was in a hell of a lot of trouble as the stream was spinning underneath my feet and my comlink was busted.

It was better to sit for just a moment, to get my bearings, I decided, so I pulled myself out of the stream, leaned my body against a rock, and passed out again.

Later on, I would learn that Gideon had stopped the troop right after the explosion and had done a head count. Realizing I was missing, he had ordered the group to stay where they were, and he was going back to find the missing Teep.

I woke up again, and I winced from Gideon's physical and mental presence. Loud, raw and chaotic was his thinking and I tried to raise my shielding up another notch. But I couldn't concentrate enough to make the effort. Unlike what you may have heard Telepaths do not simply hear words and full sentences in their heads. Instead, we hear rough thoughts, flashes of insight, and nuances that would surprise you. Like a musical composition, we hear all the notes of the orchestra, rather than just the one note or "voice" that Mundanes hear.

"SHIT." He thought. The mental image I had from him was that I was a ghastly shade of white, and the blood was flowing freely. "I've got to bandage you up. You're bleeding pretty heavily." [Shit. Bloody mess. Have to touch him. No other way to do it. Bite the bullet, Gideon. John. Good kid. Tries too hard. Thinks he has to be perfect to make the old Man happy. Don't want perfection, just for him to try his best. He'll learn though. Rough roads ahead of him- the ones behind him were probably the same? Lonely life you've got there, kid.]

"Captain." I was whispering as my head hurt severely. "You better get away. My shielding's collapsed and I can hear you. I can't shut you out. Hurts." I leaned against the rock, and wished wholeheartedly that he'd leave me here. Dying on an away mission would be better than the knowledge that the first EF Telepath was Court Martialed due to scanning his Captain accidentally.

[Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Damn. Bite the bullet. Can't leave him here? Never will I leave anyone behind. Mental flash of a cruiser leaving someone behind, quickly cut off in mid-thought. Calm down, Matt, he's probably got a headache to match the morning after a seven-day drunken binge, and you mentally yelling stuff probably is not helping him.]

"Head injury?" [Snap it together, Matthew. Yes! He's got a head injury and his shielding has collapsed. Next inane comment? Quick! Think! His career's depending on how you react.] "Ok. I, Captain Matthew Gideon, of the EF Cruiser Ulysses, am now giving you a direct order to scan me to prove my loyalty to EF." [Great? Is that ALL you could fucking think of doing, Matthew? A god damn Loyalty scan? Stupid, stupid. They'll crucify the kid.] "Got to wrap your head up. How long will your shields be down?" [Shit. What about the rest of the crew? Can't have him scan them for their loyalty to EF, too? That would never fucking fly.]

"Don't know."

Gideon called on his comlink to the rest of the crew, advising them to return to the Ulysses, and advised them that his XO, Commander Mackenzie had to get some sort of cease-fire going as he had a wounded officer that couldn't be safely moved from his present location. [Mackenzie? I am actually going to have to trust my life and his to Mackey? Oh God. Shit. You shouldn't be hearing THIS.]

"Promise that I'll swear a vow of secrecy?" I whispered that, and I heard him laugh softly, mentally. "Cross my heart?" I vowed.

"I'm going to have to bandage that wound of yours. It's bleeding pretty hard." [Nervous. He will hear me. SHIT.]

My eyes were still closed, and I felt his hands gently beginning to inspect the wound. [Deep cut there, kid. Concussion too, probably. Can you stay awake?]

He pulled me to my feet and my resulting nauseousness caused me to start to vomit. Instead of mocking my weakness, Matthew grabbed me securely, and he helped me vomit my lunch in the stream. Ok, he actually positioned my head, and helped me to my knees while he tried not to join me. [Hate vomit. Makes me want to hurl.] Carefully he cleaned me up, and then he slowly stood me up again.

"Come on, it's a long road to Tipperary."

"Sir?"

Matthew had half-carried me, half-dragged me to a small outcrop of rocks. While I collapsed in the corner, he carefully hid our location, and then he returned to find me shivering and feverish.

"Out of the clothes, Ensign. The blankets are dry."

The next three days were bit of a blur to me, hearing and sensing Matthew strongly at all times, even when I wasn't that with it mentally. Delirious with a high fever at times during this, I remember vivid moments where I kept asking Gideon repeatedly if I was still in Earth Force, and if I had been Court Martialed yet. Begging him to tell me that my parents weren't there to see my shame as I was stripped of my EF rank. I had been taken from them when I was quite young, in order to be trained by the Corps, but I still remembered my mother's arms as a place of safety, and that my father was a compassionate man. The Corps had fractured our relationship so now we were nothing more than... related strangers, but still they had both come to my graduation from the academy. I just didn't want them to see how I failed them, and all Telepaths in general. Feverishly, I kept mumbling that I didn't mean to scan him, but my head hurt so bad. I had nightmares that I was on trial, and that I had ruined forever the chances of a Telepath getting into EF. The star witness in all my nightmares was Matthew Gideon, who admitted that I had scanned him.

"Still in EF, John. Still in." Matthew continued to try to soothe me, while Mackenzie tried to arrange for a cease-fire.

"You're not lying?" I'd beg him to confirm it to me, over and over again.

Gently, he'd stroke my face, concentrating on sending his reassurances strongly to me that I was still an EF officer. Matt wasn't a Telepath and he was trying a bit too hard to send it to me, as he thought that I'd believe it better if he sent the reassurances mentally to me. His mental voice was thundering in my aching head, but I concentrated on it. Matt's aura was a mixture of guilt and compassion, grief and whimsy, and it was most assuredly masculine in its sexuality. He thought of me as nothing more than a kid, trying so hard to be perfect, and that I really needed a mentor to help guide me.

My crush had remained undetected, which was a good thing, after all. He'd probably be convinced it was a case of hero worship, and I wasn't that sure that he would be wrong. Fortunately, Mackenzie wasn't the best diplomatic by a long shot, and by the fourth day after my injury, my telepathic shields were stronger, and I could no longer hear Matthew. That's when Mackenzie managed to broker a cease-fire long enough to get us the hell out of there.

"How are your shields?" Gideon had asked me quietly, before we started off to the shuttle.

"Captain. I can't hear you anymore."

"Excellent." He answered that comment, firmly. No doubt he was grateful that I was no longer rummaging throughout his mind.

"Captain?" I whispered to him softly. "Thank you."

"Don't mention it."

-=-=-=

Jones, Jones and Jones tag teamed and mind raped me repeatedly after that incident, and they concluded among themselves that I had been physically injured and unable to mentally secure my shielding. That my scans of my captain had been inadvertent due to my injuries, and that once I was recovered from my injuries, that I hadn't touch Gideon's mind since. Gideon's staunch defense of my accidental scan had been surprising to me, and it moved me greatly that he was willing to argue so aggressively in my defense.

It was then that I learned it was possible for me to hold fast onto something so closely to my soul that the deep scans of a P12 Telepath couldn't ever find it. You see; my crush had turned to something more, and I had been worried that they would discover it and exploit it.

It took several months for me to realize during one of those weekly meetings when Gideon took me about the ship, explaining different policies and procedures of EF that I no longer had a crush on my Captain. It was far, far worse than that, as I finally accepted the fact that I fallen in love with him. We had become comfortable with one another and I found myself talking more readily to him as I had really missed expressing myself with someone, anyone. Our conversations filled a deep need in my soul for companionship and I knew that I really looked forward to our meetings

It was after a very long discussion with my Captain, where I had finally gotten him to laugh out loud at one of my comments that I realized that the person I had always been looking for as a partner was he. Compassionate, caring, gentle but with a streak of whimsy. That was Matt, who had a burden of old hurts and griefs to match my own.

And I knew that the man I wanted to be my first partner was close enough for me to touch, but between us was a gap wide enough to make it impossible to ever have that wish satisfied.

So I strove for more. I couldn't be his lover, but I could be his friend. He and Mackenzie were co-workers, nothing more and I think my Captain was a very lonely man. I knew that Matthew had periods of intense melancholy, as though he was reliving the events of Cerebus, so I tried hard to make him laugh. I started keeping count of how many times I could make him laugh during Matt's periods of depression that seemed to overwhelm him and turn him quiet and withdrawn.

Matthew was later transferred to a space exploration vessel, and I was surprised to find that I was being transferred along with him. Maybe I shouldn't have been so surprised, as he was apparently the only Captain willing to deal with a Teep on his ship, but deep in my heart, I hoped that he had requested to have me transferred with him because he wanted me to be there.

So my relationship with my Captain deepened over the years, and he, in turn, had given me so much. Arguing for my placement on the Excalibur. He had given me . . . Hyperspace. I never thought I'd experience hyperspace first hand, as telepathic ability was strengthened considerably in hyperspace, yet he had given me the chance to see it first hand. When Jones was going to try and have me Court Martialed for no other reason than jealousy, Gideon had stepped in, and neutralized the problem, efficiently and effectively.

And now I was going to die with him, lying next to him, trapped in a cave-in that had occurred while we were examining the IPX excavation site. Before I died, I knew I should tell him how much his support and encouragement had meant to me.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Waking up in the middle of the night, I realized that John was softly talking. I listened quietly as John Matheson poured his soul out to the man he thought was sleeping next to him. He began by thanking me, for taking such a chance on a raw, scared cadet and guiding him through his career. Listening spellbound to John as he continued talking softly for what seemed like hours, I could only be amazed by how strongly John felt about the small little sundries that I had done for him over the years. Small, little things that I would have done for anyone, he had remembered, and mentioned, and I realized again, how lonely my Telepath XO was.

"That's it. I don't really know what else to say, but thank you, Matthew." John whispered that softly in the darkness, and then he was quiet.

"No. Thank you. It's been an honor and a pleasure serving with you, Lt. John Matheson." Softly, I spoke that in his ear.

He flinched softly, and began stammering. "Y-y-you heard?"

"Most of it. Thank you."

John was embarrassed, and he tried to hide it. He failed miserably, which shamed him even more. He stood up, and walked away from me, trying to compose himself. I threw the blanket off me, and I stood up also.

"Hey. Hey. Don't walk away from me, John. You haven't let me say my piece. It's not as good as what you had to say, but you're far more eloquent than I am. John? Are you ok?" For then I realized that John was shaking slightly.

"I'm . . . " The younger man was speaking softly, so softly that I could barely hear him.

"Afraid of dying?" I whispered that softly at John, and I wasn't surprised when he nodded. "So am I, John. So am I, especially to have a death with absolutely no meaning and purpose. It wouldn't be so bad, if I found the Imperious Drakh Leader, and took it out with me, but to die like this . . . " I waved my hand around the cave, and sighed. John was still quiet, so I debated quickly, and I walked over to him. Carefully, as I wasn't quite comfortable with the idea, and I wasn't sure how well he'd react to this, I hugged him. Sending images and thoughts of how much he meant to me, I hugged him tightly. My poor Telepath was exhausted, and I held him tightly, hoping he could hear what I wanted to say. We stood there for several minutes, each of us not having to say a word, but still offering each other comfort from the death we saw in our imminent future.

I was suddenly rather startled to realize that we were kissing.

Hesitantly, as John was awkward with me, and I was rather befuddled from the realization that I was the one that had initiated our kiss, it was a mishmash of misbehaving tongues until we found our way. "No . . . like this," I whispered.. Carefully, I opened my lips slightly, pressing them against his. I kissed him, and he gently kissed me back. We kissed for a while, and he gradually grew bolder, finally putting his tongue in my mouth. Only slightly, and I gently began sucking the tip of his tongue. Somewhere, a single sane brain cell was screaming that this was a huge mistake, but it was immediately dragged off somewhere and gang banged by billons of other cells who disagreed with its opinion. I ignored its plaintive cries for help, as I continued kissing Matheson.

Our hesitant kiss then turned raw and brutal, and I stopped for a moment to catch my breath, surprised by the roller coaster of emotions I was feeling. Grief, despair and now a desire not to die that had flared into something... else. His eyes were wide in the darkness, full of an absolute, unshakable trust in me, and I gently kissed him again. Nervously, he started kissing me back, and with his one hand, John began to touch me. Hesitantly, he put his fingers on my face, as though John thought that I would reject his advances. He stroked my face for a moment, and I entwined my hand with his free hand.

"It's alright." I whispered at my XO. "You can pretend that I'm really him."

I had obviously said the wrong thing, as suddenly he looked heartbroken. So I kissed him again, and I found him responding whole heartedly to my kiss.

-=-=-=-
He still didn't know the truth, and for a moment, I was disapointed. Then Matthew kissed me, and I had responded. It was completely useless to even keep my tattered shields up, so I dropped them. Hesitantly, I had touched him, and I knew. . . that he wanted this. He wanted me with a desire I could taste. "Matthew?" I asked him quietly, wanting this, and wanting to share everything with him.

"Go ahead, and share what you're feeling. I'd be honored, John."

He began kissing me, and I found myself being rapidly stripped by Matthew. His large hands were possessive, and I found myself lying on the blanket, faster than I thought possible. I felt a sharp pain in my back, so I moved myself for a minute, so I could reach for the rock that was underneath my back. Instead, I found Gideon's hand, and he was moving the rock elsewhere.

["Rock"] we thought and spoke to each other.

Matthew was a highly imaginative and aggressive lover, and I found myself privately wondering to myself if I should have mentioned that one little thing to him. That this was going to be my first time, but a random thought entered my mind, that Matthew would never continue this if he knew. Instead, I focused on his pre-thoughts, and I tried to be open to everything he wanted to try. That seemed to excite him more that I knew exactly what he wanted to attempt, so it was one incredible experience after another. The taste of his skin, the feel of his stubble against my cheek, the sound of delighted surprise and the feel/taste/sense of his mind. These sensations were all colored by the unmistakable desire that I was feeling from... Matthew.

All my life I had been warned that having mind to mind sex with a Mundane would be a mistake, because they had no control over their base emotions and feelings. Now, I was kissing my Captain wildly, allowing myself to experience everything with him. I was drowning in the whirpool of Gideon's thoughts and desires, and I found that I didn't mind at all. He thought I was far more experienced that I was, and Matthew even thought me... aggressive, just because I was carefully touching his mind to find out what he wanted. I'd grab that random thought, and run with it, exhaulting in sensing that his desire for me... increased. My willingness to experiment with him managed to keep getting Gideon hotter, which in turn fed back to me.

Matt was a playful lover, and delighted in teasing me. In fact, I came so hard that I almost convulsed, and he seemed extraordinarily pleased with himself. [Enjoyed that?] He sent to me, with a mind voice that seemed rather smug. When I couldn't think fast enough or coherently enough, he laughed at me. [Guess I'll have to try harder then. There was this little thing on Eilerson's data crystal] and then I found myself being aggressively seduced once again.

Our lovemaking had gone from tender to feverish quickly, and now it was becoming raw and brutal. Matthew was enjoying it, and I didn't want to disappoint him, but I was growing ever more nervous where this was heading. He scratched his initials on my back, whispering to me that I was now his personal personnel, and that his initials would warn my secret lover to stay far away. Matthew nipped at me and bit at me, enjoying mixing pleasure and pain while I grew more concerned. He wanted this, I knew he did, but I was nervous.

"On your knees." He whispered that softly to me, and I found myself on my knees with my hands supporting me. Matt's hands were on my cheeks, and I felt him spreading my legs wide with his knees. Gently, he began kissing my backbone, and I trembled in fear, as I knew where his kisses were going to finish. Each lingering kiss got me ever more nervous, until at last, he gave me a final gentle kiss. Right where I knew he was going to and then he lingered there, kissing me carefully and teasing me while I shook in desire and need.

[You're shaking. Don't you want this? Haven't you dreamed of your lover taking you? Haven't you secretly wanted this from him?]

I nodded my head in shame, and I felt him carefully lubricate me.

"Maybe Eilerson wasn't so bad after all." Matt spoke that out loud, while I shivered from his touch and the feel of the cold gel being applied. [Relax. I won't hurt you. You trust me, don't you?]

[Yes. I trust you completely and totally, Matthew.] For a moment, I thought that was the wrong thing to think to him, as he suddenly stopped lubricating me. Instead, I felt a gentle pressure, when he slowly began entering me with his finger. Tight. I was tight, virginally tight, and slowly, partially, he would slowly enter me, trying so hard to be careful while I could feel my body shaking from nervousness.

Then he slid out, and then back in again, teasing me with his digit. Allowing me to be comfortable with what he was doing, Matthew was also enjoying the fact that he could feel me wanting this. Did I? Or was I doing this only because he wanted this? Waves and waves of sensations were crashing over me, and I knew that I was doing this because we *both* wanted this.

I was being stretched, almost painfully so, and I realized that he was now using two of his fingers. He was getting more aroused with his teasing of me, and he wanted to be inside of me.

"Go ahead." I whispered at him.

"Are you ready?"

"Yes" I lied to him, hoping this wouldn't hurt too badly. Matthew really wanted this, and so I was going to let him have his pleasure. His weight shifted slightly, and I felt something entering me. Slowly, he began penetrating me, while I shifted my weight.

[Stop shifting.] His hand slowly began caressing my arousal, and I began to gasp slightly.

-=-=-

John was too damn quiet. Wasn't he enjoying this? I began squeezing his erection gently, trying to drive him absolutely crazy. He was so close to the brink, and I wanted and needed John to enjoy this experience. Great God above, John was going to kill me at this rate as we had a positive feedback loop going that was threatening to overload my sanity. Carefully, I had entered him, and I felt his body tremble. I really wanted to THRUST. No. No, I better slow down; he has to enjoy this. He was! I could feel his response to that thought in my mind. [So, you're enjoying this, eh?] I thought at him, while I carefully continued to enter him.

[Oh . . .] His voice was soft in my mind.

[Slow. Slow. Slow. Pie is 3.14 . . . The lettuce in Romaine, is served mainly boring plain.] I was trying to delay myself, while he was gasping underneath me. Squeezing his erection hard, I felt him responding to me. I was getting very close myself and I didn't want to rush it. [That's it . . . John, that's it.]

I felt John tense up, and I suddenly realized that he had tightened up. In spite of my best efforts to prepare him for this, he was . . . almost . . . and I . . . I . . . realized . . . why he had been so damn quiet. Why his kiss had been so damn hesitant in the beginning. John had fooled me into thinking that he was more experienced than he actually was, by listening to what I wanted and craved, and then intiating it. Oh God. NO!

[John?] I sent that to him, and he didn't respond to me. I felt him shaking, and I realized that . . . John was really nervous. Like it was his ... very ... first time . . . Realizing this too late, I tried to slide out of him. Instead I came hard and pounded into him while he gasped and moaned underneath me. When my sanity was restored to me, I carefully slid out from him. [Did I hurt you?] I mentally whispered that softly at the young man I was holding tightly. He shook his head, but I could sense . . . pain.

"John? Did I hurt you?" [Please no. Dear God. No.] He shook his head, and I knew John was lying to me. Why else wouldn't he talk to me? "Why? John? Why?" [Why didn't you tell me this was your first time? Why?]

He was still avoiding answering me, and I suddenly had a flash of insight. The self-absorbed man that John loved, the man who never realized that John secretly loved him. That man was . . . Matthew Gideon, Captain, EF Excalibur. I was still holding him, trying to figure out what to say, when my comlink went off.

"Captain?"

[Oh God. NO VISUAL!] I ignored it, trying to continue to hold the younger man in my arms. He was rocking back and forth quietly, and I was trying to carefully hold him. [WHY JOHN. WHY?]

[Because . . . I . . .] John's voice was soft in my mind, as though he was whispering something that he didn't want me to hear. [. . . Love . . . You . . .] He mentally spoke that with such love and devotion that I finally accepted who the hell his secret love was. Me. I had hoped I had been wrong, but I hadn't been.

"Captain?" It was the Goddamn comlink again.

Oh god. No Visual. NO VISUAL. The Captain had just finished fucking his XO, and I didn't really think the crew needed to see THAT. John was still shaking in fear, and I tried to kiss him gently. On his neck and his shoulder, but still he shook in fear. No doubt he was imaging that the viewscreen would show to the complete amazement of the entire crew, the Captain of the Excalibur, topping his virginal XO. Dear GOD, please don't let Eilerson be on the bridge to see this! I thought that, and I realized that John had heard me, and that he had stopped shaking. Instead, he was so quiet, and John was just so still. He was... really... really frightened.

"CAPTAIN? CAN YOU HEAR ME?"

[The Goddamn dead could hear you.] "Voice only. Sgt. Riviera? To what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?"

"We might be able to get you out!" Sgt. Riviera was ecstatic, but for a moment, I couldn't match his enthusiasm.

"How?" I asked softly, cursing the fact that I felt John's body flinch at that news.

"Galen's coming to the rescue." That was Max. "We spoke of the devil long enough, and he decided to appear."

"How long before he's here?" Meanwhile I was trying to reassure my scared Telepath that things were going to be ok. But I knew he had blocked me out. Completely and totally. Where his mind voice once was, there was utter silence.

"Ten hours or so."

"Ok. Gideon out." I suddenly realized that the single sane brain cell had escaped from the orgy and was now applying a 2X4 with excessive zeal to the back of my head. Right in time to my racing heartrate. Bam. Bam. BAM. BAMMITY BAM BAM!

John pushed me away from him, and he tried to stand up. I was in better shape that he was, so I tried to help him off the ground. He stared at my bare hand, like it was a viper about to strike, and John shook his head in refusal of my offer of help. I could see that John looked horrified at what he had admitted to me. There had been a brief look in his eyes that I couldn't recognize, an emotion that I knew I should have been able to name. I had felt John withdraw from my mind, right after Sgt. Riviera had mentioned the possibility of us being rescued, so I tried to smile at him, to appear happy with his admission. Not knowing, what to say, as his eyes were completely and totally devastated, so I kept quiet while he tried to regain his composure . . .

I really tried hard to find something to say. What is a Captain supposed to say when your first officer admits that he loves you? I don't remember reading this in the damn EF handbook. Maybe I looked under the wrong topic... Maybe it was under "Conduct, Dishonorable- Captain, Seducing; XO, virginal." There are none so blind as Matthew Gideon who refused to SEE, I cursed myself over and over again.

But he was in pain. Emotionally, and dear GOD, Matheson suddenly winced. Physically? Had I hurt him physically? "Did I hurt you?" I softly asked him again. Dear God, I had injured him and John hadn't said anything to me. Just a spark of shared pain, and then John had shut that link down between the two of us.

"Leg cramps. Bad. Both of them." He whispered. My XO was trying to massage his legs, while I saw that his leg muscles were in spasms.

"Can I help?" My fault! Those damn positions I had put him in. John was quite limber, but obviously the last position I had tried with him had caused those leg cramps. Damn it. MATT! I touched his one leg to massage it, and he jumped as though I had burned him.

"No! No! No!" He whispered, obviously embarrassed. I couldn't really blame him, I mean, both of us were naked, smeared with each other's semen, and John had just admitted he loved me, while I had been completely stunned by that news. And we were now both sobering up QUICKLY! John began stretching painfully, trying to relieve the cramps in his legs. He was finally able to stand after a few minutes, and he began painfully trying to get dressed. Ignoring me, ignoring everything while the silence became deafening.

John was obviously mortified that he had blurted out that confession. I could tell by the way he just wouldn't look at me, instead, he concentrated completely on getting dressed. I just wanted him to look at me in my eyes, to assure me that things would remain unchanged between us, but I knew that was a hopeless wish.

I was horrified when he started to get dressed. He had turned away from me and I saw that his back was covered with scratches and love bites. From me. The one whose initials were scratched into his back! From the man who took his virginity from him? HE TRUSTED ME . . . as he had let me do all THAT to him. NO, *CORRECTION* HE LOVED ME. I was the one? ME? I never thought he felt that way about me. John had told me that the man he loved would be less than thrilled to find out about how John felt. He was correct, as always. JOHN? MATHESON?

Oh... Shit. His first time. I hadn't hurt him... there? I had better check. Shit. No first aid kit available.

-=-=-

Reaching for my boxers, I was surprised to hear Gideon speaking.

"Lie down." His voice was soft.

I shook my head.

"I... need to make sure... that I didn't... hurt you. Lie down, please?" Matthew's voice was incredibly soft, and I shook my head. No. I couldn't bear to have him touch me. Not there. I was so sore, and ... he was so angry.

"IT'S AN ORDER DAMN IT. LIE ON THE GODDAMN BLANKET, LT." His voice had gone from soft to ice, and I shook as I lay down on the blanket. Matt touched me, and I flinched from his touch. No doubt, that he was trying to be gentle with me, but I tightened up when I felt him touch my ass. How I ached, especially there.

"Relax. It'll... make it ... easier."

I couldn't, and he tried hard to be gentle with me, but I gasped in pain slightly during his exam. Matthew flinched when I cried out, and then I noticed that his hands were shaking. Hard.

"No blood. I don't think ...." His voice faded off, and suddenly he was quiet.

-=-=-=-=-=-=

Quickly, I tried to get dressed, and I think John was trying not to cry. I pretended to ignore it, allowing him to retain some dignity in this God-awful mess that I had made, and I walked to the other side of the cave in. Couldn't walk far enough to allow him privacy and some dignity, I found. Then again, I don't think if I had walked the length of the universe, would it have been far enough for me to get away from the man I had just wounded.

He loved me? WHY? LOVE? JOHN MATHESON? What had I done to give him that silly idea? Actually, it wasn't silly, as it was really rather . . . surprising. But it was totally unrealistic. John loved me? Why? Then I realized what it was, as I was the only person in EF who probably had ever given him a chance to prove himself on his own merits. Did he think I had done that for some ulterior motive? He didn't think that he... owed me something?

He LOVED me, and I . . . had hurt John. Emotionally and physically. I wanted so badly to apologize, but I just didn't know what to say. "Sorry, John. I was a little bit rough with you on your first time, but don't worry. I enjoyed it immensely, while you were just too afraid to tell me to stop. Since it was your first time, I'm sure you weren't expecting me to mark you as my personal property. Hopefully that MG I scratched on your back won't scar. But! Hey! We're thought we were going to die anyway!" But emotionally? Emotionally, I had wounded and scarred my deeply private friend, perhaps beyond the point of ever being healed. He had told me he loved me, and I had freaked out. Running from THAT particular obligation, as I knew that if I loved him, I never would have done THIS to him. And then he had shut me out, after sharing part of his soul with me.

We were getting out of this . . . what was Jones going to say about this? I just ruined his career. Destroyed it! Oh my GOD! John would never be able to trust anyone else again. What was that saying? It takes years and years to build trust, and it takes a single moment to destroy it? Hell, I just obliterated it. Completely and totally. In one damn orgy, I had destroyed his life, his career and his soul.

Damn you, Matthew. Damn you. Damn you. Damn you! You're older than he is, you're more experienced than him. WHY DIDN'T YOU THINK OF THE CONSEQUENCES BEFORE YOU DID THIS? I raged that at myself, repeatedly. You bitched all day and all night how the team outside nearly killed you two because they had rushed in, without thinking of the consequences. When you had done the SAME thing! No wonder why John looked like he might cry, I had just destroyed his lifelong dream of being a starship Captain.

But, I cautioned myself, I still didn't think we were going to get out this situation alive. Maybe... Galen wouldn't get here in time, and I wasn't sure if dying here, or facing John on a day to day basis after THIS was the better of the two options. Trying to say something, all I could think of was to say . . . "Sleep. You need to get some sleep." It was such an inane thing to say! I kept my voice soft and gentle, trying to soothe John, and for some reason, I could see that he got more upset with my tone of voice. I just didn't understand that, would John have preferred it if I had ranted and raved at him? Why? It wasn't his fault. It was mine! Completely!

=\=\=

He was furious. I could tell. My Captain was trying to hide it from me, by speaking gently and softly with me, but *I* knew. First he had gently offered to help massage my legs from the damn cramps I had gotten, and I had refused that. I couldn't have dealt with him massaging my legs, as I would have heard what Matthew was thinking. He was so angry with me, but trying so hard not to show it. Then he wanted to check to make sure that he hadn't hurt me, and I had been terrified by his exam. I could feel his anger raging inside of him, and I knew it was directed at me.

Then after I was dressed, and I was more composed, Matthew had told me to get some sleep, all the while talking to me in that soft, quiet voice of his that I had grown to love after all these years. How I had loved it when he directed that voice to me, secretly wondering what it would have been like to be lying next to him in bed while Gideon talked to me in that soft voice. It would have been heaven, lying with my head on his chest, while he stroked my hair and talked to me, softly. Matthew had a facade that he showed the world, and only rarely did Gideon trust someone enough to use that particular voice. Didn't he realize that I knew him well enough to realize that behind that quiet, too calm voice, he was absolutely furious?

At me. I couldn't block him completely as apparently I had accidentally ... "bonded" with him. I could feel his emotions, boiling inside of him, and anger was the one that predominated. Disgust, anger, grief, fury and regret all boiled within his soul, and I felt every emotion he was feeling. From working with Matthew over the years, I knew that he had gone through intense periods of self-hate, when he wondered why Fate had decided that he would be the lone survivor of the Cerebus. I hoped for his sake, Matthew was directly his anger toward... me, as I would have been horrified if he was hating himself for what happened between us. I... could... have found out what he was feeling, but I was afraid. Not only would it have been a completely unauthorized scan... I just... didn't think I wanted to know the answer. He was probably, rightfully irate with me.

Dear God, Matthew was furious with me, and I had tried to get dressed quickly though my legs ached and burned. My back stung like fire, and I had tried to cover my nakedness quickly. Oh God, what I had done? Admitting that I loved him? I had loved my Captain for so very long, and he had never known. Now? Now, I just wanted him to look at me, and assure me that things wouldn't change between the two of us. God, losing my virginity had hurt physically, which I had expected. What I didn't expect was that by giving it to Matthew, I would wind up being hurt emotionally and mentally. Matthew was so furious with me, and I couldn't blame him.

When I was once again wearing my EF uniform, hiding behind my fortress of my uniform, I still couldn't face him, and he had walked to the other side of the cave to compose himself, to calm himself down. I found myself tearing, in spite of my efforts not to cry. But I didn't weep as I refused to allow myself to do so. NOT IN FRONT OF MATTHEW. NEVER. In my most private thoughts, I had occasionally imagined this scene where Matt and I were lovers, and that I had given him my virginity. But I never thought he would be so very angry with me because I loved him.

Oh God. What to do? Unable to talk to him, unable to face him, I just pretended that I was exhausted, and I tried to fall asleep. But I couldn't. Instead, I stared at the walls of the cave, and wondered what the hell to do now. He walked over to me, and I felt him cover me with the solar blanket that was in the rescue kit, the blanket that up until now, we had shared. Now it was completely and totally mine. Finally, sleep overcame me, but I slept fitfully, plagued by what I had just done.

-=-=-=-=-

John had finally dozed off to sleep, and I had covered him with the solar blanket. It was the most compassionate thing that I could think of doing for him after everything else that I had done to him this afternoon. Didn't want him to be cold, not after fucking him. Stupid Matt! STUPID! STUPID! For hours, I thought, debated, and tried to escape from the inevitable conclusion that I had just thoroughly destroyed John. Suddenly, my mental whipping was interrupted when I heard a familiar voice. "Once again, I have to save you, Matthew. This does get monotonous after awhile."

"Galen?" Things had gotten so complicated since I had jokingly hoped that Galen would rescue us.

-=-=--=-

Medbay

It had been a quiet shuttle ride back, with John shutting everyone out. I wasn't much better, as I just kept staring at him, out of the corner of my eye. He didn't . . . he couldn't look at me. Matheson was absolutely filthy, covered in mud and dirt, and he had his eyes closed. He kept rubbing his face with his hands, so he was managing to smear the dirt everywhere. For a moment, I had a brief flash of compassion for John, as he obviously looked like a muddy, drowned rat.

When we had landed the shuttle, he had walked gingerly off the shuttle, ignoring Sarah's advice that he report to Medbay immediately. He was obviously in pain, so Sarah grew quite vexed with him when he refused to stop at Medbay first thing.

"I want to clean myself off first. Then I'll be down. NOT BEFORE!"

My XO spoke that last part loudly, and the people closest to him gave him a startled look. Matheson never yelled, rarely ever raised his voice, so I hope they chalked it up to exhaustion.

I went to Medbay only because Sarah Chambers insisted that she wanted to examine me, and I was hoping that she would give me something for my pounding headache. That was only after I had taken a quick vibe shower, as I just couldn't have let her examine me before I cleaned up. But for my dark soul, there was no apparent cure.

The tests concluded, Sarah admitted that I appeared to be fine, but I was still off duty for a bit. "You look all right, except for a few bruises and a couple of scratches. But you're not returning to work for a few days, you need to rest after all you've been through."

I needed to rest all right.

"Matt. John won't come down to Medbay to be checked out. He just went to his quarters, and put on the privacy mode on his communications system." She gave me a concerned look. "After what you two have been through, I really need to look at him. He's not fit to return to duty until I clear him."

I looked at her, wondered when my headache would end, and I mentally groaned. John. What we had done. No, *CORRECTION* what I had done to him. He would not come to Medbay, when he realized that he'd have to strip down, and show Sarah the wounds that I had inflicted on him. Love bites, scratches, hickeys, and even a MG carved into his back. Gee, I wonder how long it would take Sarah to figure out whose initials THEY were. DNA testing would certainly prove that I had fucked him repeatedly until he was raw.

He hadn't complained or protested because this was his first time, and he had trusted me enough to go along with everything I had tried. Thanks to a rather tawdry imagination, I had tried a lot of things on him and Eilerson would have been quite proud of me. Wanting so badly, to make sure that I was happy, John had willingly went along with everything I could think of doing. Max would have handed me a blue ribbon; given me a few of his special data crystals, hugged me, and called me 'Brother.' Oh dear GOD! John was injured and he wasn't going to come down to Medbay to protect ME! Such loyalty to a man who didn't deserve it!

"He's exhausted. How about I take a first aid kit up to his quarters and make sure he's ok?" I gave her the old Gideon charm and she folded. "Then I'll accidentally leave the kit in his quarters, and then he'll have to come down here and return it. Then you can jump on him, and give him the medical inquisition?" I smiled briefly at Sarah, hoping and praying that would be enough. If there was a supreme being out there, I'd really appreciate the help right now?

"Ok."

-=-=-=-=-

He wouldn't let me into his quarters, so I warned him that I was coming in. Using my override code, I entered his quarters, and I looked for him. John was not in the kitchen. Not in thank God, the bedroom. He was hiding. But where! Aha!

I found John hiding in the bathroom, looking like he had been ridden hard for four days, and hung up wet. His shirt was off, and he was trying to clean himself up. Wordlessly, I looked at the damage I had inflicted on the younger man, and I mentally sighed. I had probably emotionally traumatized him for life. His first sexual experience should have been gentle and tender, with someone that loved John. Not a wild rut of an encounter, fueled by despair and grief, and compounded by an old man's tawdry imagination. His face was filthy, and I ran some water into the sink to clean his face. Carefully, using a soapy towel, I cleaned John's face off, trying not to notice that Matheson had been obviously weeping by the streaks on his face.

I motioned for him to lean against his sink so I could try to fix his shredded back. The moment of truth arrived, and I made skin to skin contact with him. I was trying to keep my thoughts firmly under control so John couldn't read how furious I was with myself. Gently, I touched his shoulder, and John trembled underneath my touch. He feared me. Oh SHIT! Matheson feared me. He was terrified of me, and I couldn't fault John. He should be terrified of me, especially after what I had done to him. I placed the first aid kit on the counter, and I began to slowly take care of the wounds I had inflicted on him, while John Matheson refused to look at me. The absolute first wound that I was taking care of was that goddamn MG on his shoulder. What the hell was I thinking when I had "branded" him? The younger man quietly moaned when I disinfected his wounds, and I inwardly cursed myself. Gentler, Matthew, GENTLER.

When I slowed, trying to be careful with him, I noticed that his shaking had increased, and so I tried even harder to be gentle with him. I cleaned his back off first, and I motioned for him to turn around and Matheson shook his head hard. NO.

-=-=-=-=-

Matt came to my quarters, and he was furious. I could feel it radiating off of him like the sun, and I had foolishly hoped Gideon wouldn't find me hiding in my bathroom. I had removed my torn shirt off my back, and I had tried to see how I looked. I had quite a few marks on my back that he had given me when he had been teasing me. For a brief moment, I remembered how Matthew had climaxed in me and I was happy. Then I remembered how I slipped up, and blurted out something that should have remained unsaid between us. I couldn't help but relive his horror when he realized... the truth. I was exhausted, physically, emotionally and mentally, and I found myself weeping.

For years, I hadn't cried, since that first horible night during my training in the Corps. I had been ripped from my family that day, and I had been so terrified by the strangers around me. The others had tasted my fear, and since I was by far the smallest in my group, they had tormented me relentlessly, especially when one picked up my secret desire to be in EF. Mocking me, harassing me, tormenting me all that long night, I had finally broken down into tears because I had realized that I was completely *alone* in the world.

After all these years by myself, I had found someone to talk with, and I had destroyed that relationship, by wanting something that simply couldn't be.

Alone.

Again.

Stupid. Stupid. STUPID. He had been horrified when I had said that. I knew it, and I just couldn't bear to face him. EVER. Now Matt knew that I loved him. I had, secretly, for all these years. I had rather willingly given him my virginity, thinking that before I died, that I would like to share physical . . . and . . . mental . . . intimacy with him. He had been extremely playful for the first time and then he had gotten very intense. It had been rather enjoyable in fact. I still got shivers up and down my spine from remembering what it felt like to have Gideon inside me, pounding into me. Mentally, it had been an unbelievable experience as I had heard/felt that Matthew had been enjoying my body completely. But physically, the lost of my virginity had hurt and I still was rather sore.

It had been incredible, until I said something that I shouldn't have.

But now Matt was in my quarters, and he was furious. Livid. Anger burning in his eyes, which Gideon was trying unsuccessfully to hide from me. Gently, my Captain cleaned my dirty face, and then Matt concentrated on taking care of my wounds. I had tried hard not to gasp from the pain. But I had, so Matthew had slowed, concentrating on being even gentler and kinder while tending to my wounds. His hands were such a contradiction to the fury raging in his hazel eyes. I wish he wouldn't do this, as his hands were almost lover-like as Matt touched my back, sending those delightful shivers throughout my body. I found myself being aroused by his gentle touch, and he wanted me to allow him to treat the wounds on the front of my chest. Yes, if I agreed to that, Matt would see that I was . . . up for the occasion. So I shook my head, not wanting to say anything at all.

My Captain forced me to turn around, and he saw what I was trying to hide. For a moment, I felt a sensation of profound hate, and I trembled. He was so angry with me. I just continued shaking my head, and he just turned . . . angrier. Odd then, how gentle and tender my Matt still was with me, insisting on carefully cleaning my wounds and using the skin regenerator on me. My . . . love . . . didn't say anything to me for the entire time he was in my quarters. Instead, he just grew angrier and angrier . . . with me.

I was horrified when he undid my belt, unzipped my pants, and then he slid my pants down. What did he want?

He leaned me against his shoulder, and I felt his one hand slide down the back of my boxers, carefully spreading my cheeks apart. Matt pulled something out of his pocket, and I saw it was a small tube of something. He bit the cap off with his teeth, spitting it out on my floor, and then he slid it down my boxers to where his other hand was. Whatever it was, it was icy cold, but it deadened the pain significantly. Using his finger, he carefully applied it to me, while I gasped from the sensation. That done, he put the tube of ointment on the counter, and motioned for me to get dressed.

Gideon then placed the first aid kit on the counter, and stormed out of my quarters.

=-=-=-=-

Terrified. He was absolutely terrified by me. John Matheson trembled when I cleaned him up. Trembled. Shook. Matheson wouldn't look in my eyes. God, I hated myself. He thought he loved me, and I had treated him like that. Used him, hurt him, and destroyed his career and his trust.

God, I felt so unclean. Especially when I realized that John was . . . getting aroused from what I was doing to him. Pain. I was inflicting pain on him, and he found it erotic. Thanks to John's first sexual encounter that had turned into a rutting frenzy, he found pain . . .erotic. Max couldn't have done it better if he TRIED. It was my fault, completely. Totally. I was absolutely furious with myself, but still I remained, having to finish binding Matheson's wounds. Rummaging through my quarters, I had found a tube of something that I hoped ... would help ease his pain that I had caused by being so rough during his first time. Meanwhile, I was hoping and praying for some sort of absolution from my crimes.

But he didn't say anything to me. So, I fled from him, trying to avoid the memories of the trust I had once seen in his dark eyes. The trust I had shattered and destroyed.

-=-=-=-=-=

The Day After.

We both sat in his office, not saying a word. I had handed him a report detailing the cave in, and had made a few suggestions on the excavation process that might prevent it from happening again. For a moment, the night before, I had been tempted to add . . . "AND NEVER HAVE SEX WITH YOUR SENIOR OFFICER," but fortunately, rational thought had prevailed. I gingerly watched him, and I could tell that he was watching me just as closely. "Good report." Gideon told me, and I nodded.

"Thank you."

The silence spread, and grew for several minutes, and we both looked startled when I questioned
"Permission to leave, sir?"

"Granted" he authorized my exit with a barely seen sigh of relief.

I hit the door in .235212 seconds. Trust me, I was timing it.

-=-=-=--

One month later.

We never really talked about what had happened between us, but I knew it was there, lurking, and ruining our previously close friendship. So I tried to avoid Matthew as much as possible, and even that didn't work. I mean, we were on the same ship! And I knew every time we talked, he was thinking and pondering about what I had said and what I had done. Our mental connection had thankfully faded over the past month, as his wild mood swings had affected me greatly. One moment while I was feeling his melancholy strongly, I would long to talk to him, honestly and openly about what had happened between us. The next moment, found me grateful that we hadn't talked it over as Matthew was suddenly angry and seething. I just wished that I knew what the hell to do in this situation.

The others noticed the breech in our relationship, and I was grateful when they didn't say anything to me. I mean, what could I have told them? That the two of us, thinking we were dying, had mind-blowing sex together? And that Gideon was furious because I had told him that I loved him? Stupid, John. STUPID! How could you have been that stupid? Debating my options, at last, I realized that the only acceptable thing to do was to request a transfer off the Excalibur. Only then would it be possible for him to forgive and forget what I had done as my presence on the ship was only exacerbating the problem.

=-
Two weeks later

"Captain. I need to speak to you." I tried to be polite, professional, and calm on the outside. Inside, my stomach was in knots, and I just didn't want to have this conversation. I hadn't expected such a quick response to my request for a transfer, and I hadn't broached the subject with Gideon yet. Now, it was too late.

"Yes, you certainly do. My office?" His voice was quiet, and I suddenly realized that he *knew*.

"Yes, Sir."

-=-

"Sir. I need to speak to you." I tried to keep my voice from shaking, but the look he shot me made my heart lurch.

"No. I'm the Captain, so I'm going first." Gideon's voice was still quiet, and I heard the rather obvious threat in it. "Imagine my surprise today, when I receive a nice official missive from HQ. I'm getting a new first officer. Apparently, you've requested a transfer off the Excalibur." He sat back in his chair, and I could tell nothing from his poker face.

"Sir." I tried to explain, but he interrupted me.

"Don't Sir, me!" He barked that comment at me.

"Sir . . . " I interjected.

"You requested a transfer." Gideon wouldn't look at me; instead he was staring at the picture of the Cerebus' crew on the wall. His eyes looked haunted, as they always did, whenever he relived the accident that destroyed the Cerebus. For a moment, I saw such emotional pain in his eyes, that I was deeply concerned about him. The moment passed quickly, and then his eyes were unreadable.

"Sir . . . " Again I tried to explain to him why I had made the request but he simply wouldn't listen to me.

"You didn't even mention it to me." He leaned back in his chair, and again Matthew refused to look at me.

"Sir . . . "

"Common courtesy would expect you to at least mention in passing to your commanding officer that you're severely unhappy and that you want a transfer to another ship." His voice was still low, and I realized that unfortunately our relationship was now shattered beyond any hopes of being mended.

"Sir!"

"And then all you can say is 'Sir'?" He slammed his hand down on the desk, and I realized that he was absolutely furious. "One would hope that after all these years, you'd say more than 'Sir'!"

"That's all you're letting me say, Sir." I pointedly told him that, hoping at last to be able to speak my piece.

"Go ahead." He snarled that at me, and I was startled. Gideon had never spoken to me like that before. EVER.

"I feel strongly that I need to explore my options. I have been your first officer for years now, with no complaints from me. But I think I'm losing something. I've worked with you since I graduated from the Academy. I believe that it's time for me to work with other captains, see other command styles. I did not expect them to act on my request so quickly. I had hoped to discuss this with you before they decided to transfer me." I was trying to put a positive spin on this, instead of saying the truth. [I'm running away because I can't bear to be this close to you, and realize that every time you look at me, you're thinking of how I told you I loved you.]

"Very well. It is my honor to inform you that your new captain will be meeting up with the Excalibur, one week from yesterday. You will be joining the EF heavy cruiser Dyavaprthivi. It's pronounced day-va-prit'hi-vee. Her nickname is D-y-a, which you pronounce like Day. I'd suggest you practice pronouncing the full name, as Captain Makam is rather strict on pronunciations. Here are your new orders for you to review. Dismissed."

Then he left the office, leaving me staring at his departing back.

-=-=-=-

God. Gideon had tossed down the data crystal that signified our formal break as Captain and XO, gratefully and in apparent relief. No doubt Matthew was ecstatic that he was getting rid of me. I swallowed hard for a moment, trying to contain my emotions. Silly, love struck Telepath that I was, I had hoped that maybe he would be upset that I was leaving, but apparently he was just relieved that I was going. He was furious only because I had broken the chain of command, and had requested a transfer without advising him. Stuff like this made a Captain look bad. I returned to my quarters quickly to study my new duties.

Kritika Pushpa Makam. She was my new commanding officer and probably one of the most decorated Captains currently serving in EF. It was a golden opportunity for me to serve on the Dyavaprthivi, as Makam was different from Gideon. She was a skilled diplomat and had made numerous first contacts with aliens. Her first officers were utilized on away missions. I would be actually leading away teams, instead of merely minding the shop. Researching her futher, I found out from former staffers that she was rumored to be aggressive, bit of a hot head, and that Captain Makam demanded nothing less than perfection from everyone.

I was fascinated by her cultural background, and I realized that I would have to do some research on her home world. It was a small colony that had been sponsored by the Asian communities back on Terra, and it had become a melting pot that had fused into a rather unique culture mixing Indian and the Oriental cultures. Her background file said she was Hindu, and I realized that I better start researching *that*. Hindu? Did that mean she was a vegetarian also? Making a mental note to bring a recorder with me, I figured I'd talk to Eilerson about what he knew about her culture. I didn't want to unintentionally offend my new Captain, after all. It was an unwritten rule in EF that junior officers should try not to offend two Captains in the same month. Doing that could destroy one's career, after all.

She had agreed to let me come on board as her first officer, which had surprised me to no end. After all, I was a Telepath. Most captains would rather die than have a Telepath on board. When I had requested my transfer, I thought it would take months to have some captain willing to take me, or should I say FORCED to take me, but she had apparently agreed to my transfer without any hesitation. Carefully, I sent my acceptance to both HQ and to her. I also sent her a private note, thanking her for allowing me the chance to serve with her, and telling her to feel free to contact me if she had any questions. That message sent; I sat in my quarters, and I was surprised how emotional I was. I was fleeing from Matthew, and I hoped that it was the right thing to do.

-=-=-=-=-

My foul mood was readily apparent to one and to all as people were scattering from me, as I stormed to my quarters. John! He had requested a transfer, and had gotten it, apparently to get away from me. I shouldn't feel this hurt and . . . betrayed. It had taken all my will power to not scream, "WHY DID YOU REQUEST THE TRANSFER, JOHN? WHY DIDN'T YOU SPEAK TO ME FIRST?" during our meeting. Instead of yelling at him, I had stared at the picture of the Cerebus, realizing that I simply wasn't the type of Captain that my late Captain had been. I remembered when I wore my new Captain's insignia for the very first time, how I had sworn to myself, that I would be a Captain like him. I would honor his memory, by being the type of Captain he had been. Honorable, fair minded, approachable. A man to be respected by his junior officers and his crew.

Obviously, I had failed that oath. Broken that promise like I had broken so many others over the years. I had hurt John Matheson after silently promising myself years ago that I would never willingly hurt him. It was after that damn away mission where he had gotten hurt. Feverish, he had kept asking me if he had been kicked out of EF, and I realized for the first time, how rough it was to be the first EF Telepath. Over the years, he had developed into an excellent first officer, and my friend, and I had so wanted to be a mentor to the younger man.

Some mentor I had turned out to be as somewhere over the years he had fallen in love with me. I couldn't blame him for leaving. After all, I was the one that had hurt him physically and emotionally. Hopefully, being the XO to Captain Makam, might be what John needed to restore him back to his old self. It might even save his career, since he was nowhere near *me*.

For a moment, during our conversation, I saw that emotion in John's eyes that I just couldn't place, but the moment fled again quickly. My Telepath was far too adept at keeping his emotions hidden, having practiced so well and so often over the years, so once again the moment had fled without me recognizing what he was feeling. It was useless to hope that if I had known what he was feeling that perhaps things would have never gotten to the point where John was requesting a transfer off the Excalibur. Deep in my heart, I knew I was totally responsible for John's departure and that I shouldn't have been so damn brutal to him when he was trying to discuss his desire for a transfer. To make it up to him, I vowed that I was going to make his transition to his new assignment as smooth as possible. Reaching my quarters, I put in a call to Captain Makam. After all, that was something my old Captain would have done.

=-

It was my last night on the Excalibur. I had finished off my final crews' rotation and I walked back to my quarters, trying to keep myself on an even keel. I would miss my friends terribly, especially . . . HIM. Returning to my quarters, I noticed that I hadn't seen Dureena or Sarah all day, and that I would have to track them down before I left tomorrow morning at 10:00 hours. It wouldn't be proper to leave without saying goodbye.

But Gideon hadn't said goodbye; fact is he hadn't said anything to me, except to command me to give a tour of the ship to the new First Officer, Jason Kanonvich. Since my transfer, our conversations were even shorter than they had been previously, consisting of only one or two words and long, painful silences. Matthew's curt 'Show Lt. Commander Kanonvich about' was the longest conversation we had spoken since Gideon gave me my transfer orders.

"Is he normally that . . . foul tempered?" Jason had asked me in mild disbelief when Gideon proceeded to browbeat Eilerson in front of the two of us.

"Normally not. But Eilerson's a special case" I promised Jason.

-=-=-=-=-=

Entering my quarters, I found myself in the midst of a surprise party. For me. Sarah and Dureena laughed in delight when I was obviously stunned. "Did you think we'd let you leave without saying goodbye?" Dureena had mocked me, and I was stunned when Max had broken out part of his secret stash of liquor for the event. It was a lovely time, as the party didn't seem to end. Instead, other people came in to replace those that had to go back to work, and I was stunned by how emotional it was to me. They were . . . my friends, my *family* and I was leaving.

Hours later, the party was finally dwindling down, and I realized that Matthew hadn't stopped by. Not that I was expecting it of course, but I had hoped. Silly, foolish me.

"Regrets?" Sarah asked me quietly.

"None" I lied to her. There was something that I was regretting as those simple little words had managed to destroy my entire life, but I just couldn't mention that to her. "I need to do this for my career, if I'm ever to get on the command track. That's what I want to do, to be a Starship Captain, Sarah."

"It's time for a farewell toast." Max slurred, as he was obviously drunk. "I saved this especially for this toast. We need fresh glasses."

The fresh glasses were retrieved from somewhere, and Max opened the bottle. It made a glorious mess on my floor when it foamed out of the bottle. He carefully filled each glass, and he passed them around. "So. Who wants to make the toast?"

"I will," said a familiar voice.

Oh God. It was Matthew. He had decided to show up. I took my glass, and I didn't turn to look at him. I just couldn't.

"I know that you're doing what you think is best for your career. So, I will borrow something that Charles Liechtenstein, a noted diplomat in the late 1900's, once said. 'We will put no impediment in your way and we will be at dockside bidding you a farewell as you set off into the sunset.' Good luck." His glass clinked with mine, and I noticed that the others had a puzzled look on their faces which plainly asked 'What the hell type of farewell toast was that?' I quickly tapped my glasses against theirs, and I tried to keep my misery from my eyes.

"May we find the Cure!" Sarah decided to make her own toast, and there was a round of agreement from the few remaining people in my quarters. We again tapped glasses. We drank the champagne quickly, and then each of my former crew members of the Excalibur, wished me luck and left. Except for Matthew, he didn't say anything to me. He just walked out after everyone had left. But his eyes were angry. Couldn't he find it in his heart to forgive me, even now?

Watching him leave, I whispered softly a half-remembered poem. I couldn't remember the author, nor could I remember its name, but it fit well with the situation.

"With all my will,
But much against my heart,
We two now part.
My Very Dear,
Our solace is,
The sad road lies so clear.
It needs no art,
With faint, averted feet.
And many a tear,
In our opposed paths to persevere.
Go thou to East, I West.
We will not say
There's any hope,
It is so far away."

"Forgive me, Matthew, I beg of you. Perhaps one day, you will."

He wouldn't even say goodbye. I think that's what hurt the most.

=-=-

I was invited to his going away party. An invitation had arrived at my office, specifically requesting the appearance of one Matthew Gideon, Captain, to John Matheson's surprise going away party. The invitation had arrived, even though I knew that Sarah had noted John's and my estrangement over the past few weeks. Hoping for some crisis to develop, I had put off going to his party. But there were no Drakh encounters, no Medal of Honors to be awarded. Nothing to prevent me from seeing Matheson flee the Excalibur. So I gritted my teeth, and I went to say goodbye to John

I arrived in the middle of the conversation Sarah was having with John, about if he had regrets about leaving the Excalibur. He had lied. John Matheson LIED and assured her that he had none as he was doing this for his career, and I was wounded anew. Damn it. He was trying to escape from me because he obviously regretted what had happened between us. John Matheson NEVER lied, and there he was, lying, to protect me.

When Max was trying to find someone to give John a farewell toast, his friends had all looked at me, plainly expecting me to propose a toast. I mumbled something, which apparently wasn't what they expected to hear from me, but it came from the heart. Trying to let John know that I knew why he had to leave the Excalibur, and that I was not going to prevent it. God knows that I wish I could have prevented it.

We drank our champagne quickly, and I watched while his friends said goodbye. Finally, I was the only one left in his quarters, and I realized that I had nothing to say. I was furious with myself that he had felt so threatened by me that he felt his only option was to start anew. So I didn't say anything, as what was there really to say?

God, how I was going to miss him. Hell, how I missed him *already*. After all these years together, it had been rather odd these past few weeks, not having coffee together, chatting about the little things, and seeing his rare smile. He smiled so rarely, that I enjoyed it whenever he smiled. On my darkest days, I usually spent time and energy to coax a smile from him as his smile always made me feel better. Matheson thought that the only time I could truly be myself was when I was with Liz. He was wrong, as it was apparent that the real me had lain safely hidden for all these years, surfacing only on that damn day that I bitterly regretted.

END PART 1