Saying Goodbye

by Freya

Fandom: Crime Scene Investigation

Pairing: implied Catherine/Sara

Rating: PG

Summary: A few years from now six people come together to mourn the loss of a friend

Disclaimer: None of the characters belongs to me. How could they?

Genre: Angst, Drama, Character's death

Archive: Just drop me a note and tell me where you'd like to put it. I'm sure I'll say yes.

Note1 : Actually I was working on an other story, much more positive and rather funny, too, but then my computer decided to go crash on me and . well, let's just say this week hasn't exactly been the best of my life and then suddenly the image of Sara standing at someone's grave appeared in my head and hearing The Cure's 'The Last Day Of Summer' didn't help to get it out of my mind, so this is the result of it. Enjoy (more or less)!

Note 2: Maybe some of you think that Sara acts a bit out of character but . have we actually seen her at a burial? So no one really knows how she would react and, above all, this is fiction. To TPTB this whole story would probably be out of character J

All that I have
All that I hold
All that is wrong
All that I feel for or trust in or love
All that is gone
- The Cure 'The Last Day Of Summer'


The September was far too windy, too cold and too dark, even for Montana. Sara had noticed it in Nevada, too - that this fall would be different than the last one - but that thought hadn't bothered her much. At that moment she'd thought when the cold would sweep over them she'd be safe home in Las Vegas. And she was, at least a few days ago she still was. A few days ago it was her birthday.

* * * * *

She had invited everyone that she considered a friend and that meant basically all of her co-workers and a few others that didn't play similar important parts in her life than her boss and his team. A few had already arrived and they were sitting in her living room sipping expensive champagne that Grissom had given to Sara right after he'd come storming into her apartment, hugging her so close she'd been sure she wouldn't be able to breath any more. Small talk was exchanged while no one knew exactly how to act around these strangers that didn't stay together in the same room optional and Sara took a longing look at her watch, trying to urge the hands on to let the minutes pass faster by mere willpower.

With a heavy sigh Warrick rose from the window sill, where he had been sitting alone watching the sky becoming darker and darker. He walked over to Sara and stood in front of her, his hands fumbling behind his back with something out of her sight, his face showing a goofy grin of a sometimes underestimated intensity. With no words he shoved a small package into her hands, not bigger than a bar of chocolate, which looked so fragile that Sara was almost afraid to open it. This decision, however, was made for her by the shrill ringing of her cell phone that broke through the almost non-existing conversation. She put the gift down and went to the other end of the room, where there was at least a little bit privacy, and answered the phone.

A smile spread on her face when she heard Nick's voice on the other end, a small piece of her brain constantly reminding her that he and Catherine should've been there already. His voice sounded hollow and almost faint, just above a whisper, which alarmed Sara in a way she would've never thought possible. She knew, no, she felt that something was very wrong and once more her intuition didn't let her down, as she should learn just moments later.

Her glass hit the floor with a loud crash at Nick's words and everyone in the room turned their heads to look at her questioningly, receiving no answer. The line went dead in her hand but Sara continued holding the phone in her hand, staring at it with an almost painfully plain expression on her face, the only signs of movement being the rising of her chest and the slight tremble, that was beginning to get stronger and stronger until Grissom walked over to her and made her sit down on the nearest chair. He took her hand and looked at her with confused and worried eyes.
"Sara?"

His fingers drew lazy circles on the inside of her hand, something she oddly noticed through the haze and the blurry of tears her world had turned into. The tears were falling freely over her face, smearing her make-up at the corners of her eyes, but she didn't feel them, didn't even know she was crying or trembling or breathing so hard it was the only sound left in the room. "Sara?" Grissom asked again. "What's wrong? What happened? Who was that on the phone?"

His voice was permanently in her brain, his questions repeating themselves over and over again, seeming to merge into each other until she couldn't tell where one began and the other ended and all she wanted to do was to scream at the chaos in her head. Slowly she became aware that Warrick had come over as well, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, pulling her against him and she was weeping in his arms like a little child, her face burrowed in the crock of his neck.

The tears fell and fell and Sara, despite of the situation, wondered how much of them would have
gathered at her feet at the end of the day and beyond.

She didn't know how much time had passed when she finally felt able to lift her head and lean back against the chair.

The other's eyes were fixed on her face, as if somebody had glued them there and Sara remembered how much she'd always hated being the center of attention, no matter when or where.

Warrick moved his one hand from his shoulder and down to her thigh, for her hands were again occupied by Grissom's, patting it lightly, reassuringly, trying to soothe her, but still she noticed a hint of irritation in this movement.

She knew she had to tell them, but her heart was telling her otherwise for its still hadn't completely
digested the fact that one beloved person wasn't supposed to be in her life anymore. And that hurt her more than anything had ever hurt before or would ever do again.

She knew she'd lost a part of herself, probably the biggest one of all those tiny pieces. The one that used to urge her on day after day, that kept her sane, kept her alive. The one that was her only love.

For the first time in life she'd fallen in love, years ago, and this love had kept her bound, unable to let anyone else touch her heart. She'd never talked about it, neither to her family nor to her friends and as far as she had planned into the future she never would.

Today had changed everything, though. She would tell them. Everything. She had to let someone finally see how she really was, what she felt. It was the only way to make them understand what she'd really lost. Not just a co-worker, not just a friend. She'd lost far more than that. She'd lost her heart, her precious, her .

"That was Nick." It seemed weird to be hearing her voice when it didn't sound like her voice. "There's been a robbery at the gas station he and Catherine had pulled up to. Catherine waited in the car while he went inside and the . the gangsters forced him into the back of the station. Catherine wanted to stop them but she had no chance to even pull her gun." Her voice broke and fresh tears spilled from her eyes.

"They shot her! They simply shot her an ran away, without looking back!"

* * * * * * * * *

That was almost two weeks ago, nine days to be exact. And now we're all standing at Catherine's grave - in Bozeman, Montana, where she asked to be buried. This town always held some special place in her heart that not even Las Vegas could replace.

I lift my eyes off of the ground and take a look around, at the people surrounding me. Standing right next to me is, who else could it be, Grissom, who is gripping his hands so tight that his knuckles have turned white, just to keep from crying. I don't understand why so many people think it's embarrassing to cry in public.

Warrick is just like Grissom, face stone-like, while Nick and Greg weren't so lucky to be able to suppress their tears and theirs are falling freely, as are mine.

Someone I never would've thought I'd ever see crying is Brass. He isn't really crying but I saw the wetness in his eyes and one clear streak on his cheek. Much to my surprise even Eddie, Catherine's ex-husband, is there. I don't exactly know why but I don't mind him here.

Little Lindsey has grown into a beautiful young woman and if Catherine was able to see her daughter right now I think she'd be so proud. She is just like her mother - strong-willed, always in control. Even now that she's standing next to me the slight shaking of her hand is the only sign that sometimes even appearances are deceptive.

The minister ends his speech with a beautiful comparison of humans and angels and take a step back to let us say goodbye. We decided that Catherine's family and closest friends would be the last to do so and so we wait while everybody else steps up to the grave, mumbles something only coherent for them and drops a flower on the casket, then returns to the circle.

Finally it's our turn and Grissom and the whole team steps forward, I as well, but Lindsey holds me back and shakes her head 'no'.

I watch Catherine's parents walk towards their daughter's grave and it breaks my heart to see her mother almost break down only steadied by her husband's strong arms. Lindsey and I are the last ones to go and we stand at the grave for what seems like eternity, just staring at the dozens of roses below us.

Suddenly she turns to me and at me with eyes so sad it's almost unbearable.

"I know you loved my mother", she whispers, "even though you didn't tell me I knew from the beginning when I saw you two together for the first time. I was only a child, but I noticed the looks you were giving her. Years later, when I was old enough to talk about love with my mother I remember asking her once if she was in love. You should've seen her face at that moment! I will never be able to forget it. It was as if I had put a knife right through her heart and she took my hand and placed t right above her heart. 'Do you feel that?', she asked me. 'This heart only beats for one person, but every time I see them it breaks because this love will never be returned.' I was too stunned at what she'd told me to ask her any further questions but the next day you came to visit us and that's when I knew. That you were the person she'd spoken of."

A cold rush of air sweeps over us and ruffles the leaves at our feet, drawing Lindsey's eyes to the colorful play on the ground. After a few moments she looks up again, her eyes filled with hot tears. "I wish you had told her. I wish we'd been a family, the one I never had." The tears spill from her eyes and I encircle her in an embrace, both seeking soothing comfort and trying to offer it. I am bluntly surprised about her confession, feeling shaken to my very core that the little girl I used to play hide-and-seek with wanted me to be more than just a friend for her mother. I tighten my embrace and gaze up at the dark clouds gathering above the cemetery.

There's definitely going to be a storm later today, I am sure of it and I actually like the thought of it. It's ironically, but the weather is perfect for a day like this, as if the sky is grieving with us together.

The minister clears his throat carefully, interrupting our moment of silence. I know that he wants to end this whole thing as soon as possible and a quick glance at my watch tells me that at least 15 minutes have passed since Lindsey and I stepped up to the grave. It would be better for everyone if we said our goodbyes during the next minute so I pulled away from Lindsey but still keep our hands clasped together.

I look down at the casket, trying not to think of the fact that down there Catherine is lying, icy-cold, beginning to decay while the memory of her is still so alive. Suddenly it's all too much for me and all I want to do is get out of here so I let the flowers - red roses - fall into the hole beneath my feet, whisper a soft 'I'm sorry' and all but flee , leaving the others stunned and probably a little bit more than hurt.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

In front of the gate to the cemetery I break down, my knees giving in, and I sink to the ground, sobbing hard. This isn't how I had planned this day to happen. I swore to myself that I would be strong, that I wouldn't show more weakness as crying already meant to but here I am failing miserably. I wanted to be strong for her!

'I'm sorry, Catherine, I'm sorry' I whisper those words over and over again while I'm hugging my knees tighter and tighter to myself until there's no space left between my legs and my upper body.

Time passes without me caring about the time or the day or anything but her. Then I feel a firm grip on my shoulder and my head shots up, surprise evidently on my face to see Grissom towering above me, a look full of sympathy on his face. He kneels down next to me and opens his arms, a silent invitation for me to let my guards down and I take that offer gratefully, slumping into his arms.

"I miss her so, Gil, so much it hurts!" A sobbed apology for my sudden getaway but he doesn't seem to think I need to apologize. He just pats the back of my head while his other hands runs soothingly up and down my back, holding me to him in a warm embrace and for the first time in a long time I remember the feeling of security and utterly understanding.

He doesn't say anything, neither a reply to my last sentence nor a false 'everything's going to be alright', because both of know it's never going to be alright again. How could it ever when a part of you is missing? After a few moments I pull back and manage a weak smile when my eyes fall on his tear-stained shirt. His eyes follow mine and he shrugs his shoulders in a silent way of saying 'doesn't matter'.

As I try to regain my voice it cracks in the worst of ways and I need a few more moments and a lot of throat-clearing and swallowing before it's as much as even functional. "Is it over?" I ask, his nod encouraging enough for me to know that now is my turn to say good-bye. Silently we rise to our feet, Grissom's hand clutching mine tightly and I thank him for the support with a simple look, expressing more with it than any words I could have mustered at that moment.

We arrive at our destination in no time and for a fleeting instant I wonder why I can't remember the way from the gate. Then I feel Grissom pull back and I know that it's now or never so I take a few steps up to the grave and remain unmoving at the mere sight of the deep hole. This time I'm not going to run, I swear to myself. I have to get over with this and after I never have to stare at her casket again, I try to convince myself.

This time it hits home and I concentrate on what I wanted to say the first time I stood here and not the sight or the sound or the smell on the cemetery. I see her smile appear in front of my eyes and it makes me smile, just as always did. "Oh Catherine", my sigh echoes over the deserted place, only witnessed by Grissom and the tombs. "It's hard for me to tell you this, but I know that I should've told you long ago so I'm gonna do that now, no matter how weak my knees feel."

Another sigh escapes my throat and I feel fresh tears threatening to spill. I let them. She's supposed to see the real me, inside out, and my grief is a part of me. "Lindsey said she knew all along, that I . that I had, have feelings for you. It makes me wonder: Was I so obvious? The others also told me that they'd suspected something . did you? I don't think so, because you should know that Linds is a smart woman and she figured that you also had feelings for me.
If you knew, wouldn't you have told me if you had seen the slightest chance for us?"

I pause for a moment, trying to find the right words to express what I'm feeling. There are no other words except. "I love you, Catherine. Oh God, I love you so much! And now you're gone!
That's not fair. Why did this have to happen to me? To us?"

Hot tears run down my face once more and I know that even though I could gather the courage to do this, this courage isn't going to last much longer and my feelings are starting to overwhelm me. "I'll always love you, Cathy, I hope that wherever you are now you know that. I will never forget you and I promise that I'll watch over Lindsey for you. I know she doesn't actually need me, she's an adult after all, but you know what I mean. You're her mother." With a last look at the casket I smile and this time it's an honest smile because the truth that I've kept to myself for so long was spoken aloud and it's no longer my weight to carry. I love her and that's never going to change.

~Fin~