Title: Things I Did as a Kid
by Heather Exhume
plamodesmata49@yahoo.com
Summary: There's spam floating around CSI, Nick doesn't think it's that funny
Rating: G
AN: This is a story based off the ot message sent to the list The Things I've Learned From My Kids. Here's the message to refresh everyone's memory
This is really funny.
For those of you with no children - this is totally hysterical!
For those who already have children past this age - this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age - this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age - this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children - this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas: Things I've Learned From My Children (honest and no kidding)
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder then 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you can get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a ball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh Oh," it is already too late (no matter how old the child is).
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke - and a lot of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk of water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB & J sandwiches even though the commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do no like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, Texas had a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year-old is wonderful...true story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of the straw to build my house?' " The teacher paused then asked her class, "And what do you think the man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy crap! A talking pig!' " The teacher was unable to teach for the next ten minutes.
25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Now on with the story!
Things I Did as a Kid
by Heather Exhume
Sara's giggle echoed surprisingly well in the break room. She had arrived early to find a printed copy of an e-mail that had been spamming around CSI. Warrick stood and admired the novelty of seeing a giggling girlish Sara. "What's so funny?"
Sara jumped startled, "oh Warrick! Sorry I'm just reading this spam message that someone printed out and left on the table."
"Oh the Things I learned from my Kids?"
"Yeah, I didn't realize it was so humorous! I just kept deleting it."
"Well it was right about one thing, it makes me not want to have kids!"
"What does?" Asked Catherine coming in behind Warrick and missing the beginning of the conversation.
"Oh that message, Things I've learned from my kids."
"I read, I think it was primarily boys, Lindsey hasn't done any of those things."
"That you know of," pointed out Sara.
Greg walked in and glanced over Sara's shoulder at the papers. "Oh I read this. I can't believe that someone was stupid enough to attach themselves to a ceiling fan."
Nick, who had walked in right after Greg responded, "sure you say that but you've never had 6 older siblings applying peer pressure on you."
The silence in the room was startling. Everyone was staring at Nick. "Huh Nick, exactly how many of these things have you done?" asked Grissom, who had, yes you know it, came in right behind Nick.
"Well, uh, technically, 2, 5 so consequently 6, 8-14, 21, 22, 23, and while I don't remember it, 24. There were good reasons for all of them!" Nick exclaimed defensively
Catherine scoffs, "as a mother I would like to know what a good reason would be for hair spraying dust bunnies, and then roller blading over them?"
"Well, Stacey and I were cleaning and the said dust bunnies were under the couch, they wouldn't hold together long enough to get them out so we hair sprayed, then once we got them out we were fascinated by the consistency of how you could smush them and they'd spring back up so we tried various ways to get them to remain flat. Who knew that just that small amount of friction would ignite them?"
Grissom raised an eyebrow inquirlingly, "I'm curious as to why you would mix bleach and Clorox."
"That was an accident. I was 15 and reworking a car the brake fluid was in an open pan and there was an open jug of bleach. Add one rambunctious dog and havoc ensues."
"What I can't believe," Sara said, "is that this occurred to more than one child to do these things."
"What do you mean?" asked Nick.
"Well some mother came up with this list, you admitted to not doing all of the things, so all these happened to some other family."
Nick laughed, "Sara, I have 6 siblings I didn't do all that by myself. Between the seven of us we've done everything on that list., most of the time more than once."
A smile quirked at Grissom's lips, "Let's see if we can't apply some of that ingenuity to our cases."
The End
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