Epiphanies

by pari106

Fandom: Dark Angel

Pairing: Zack/Krit

Disclaimer: The kiddies don’t belong to me…I’m just contributing to their twisted upbringing. FOX, Cameron, and Eglee are the true creators.

Rating: NC-17

Archive: yes

Feedback: definitely

Warning: SLASH (m/m)

A/N: Okay…I’ve never done anything like this. I’ve been naughtily tempted for a while…I don’t know what finally did me in. Was it you pooh bah? (or maybe Evil!Krit? ;) No…that’s your muse. I have no one to blame but myself (though "If Scheherazade" didn’t exactly hurt). I probably won’t do as well at this as you did, but I tried.

Thanks: to pooh bah for inspiration, and to Owl, of course, for biting the bullet and betaing this puppy.

Summary: Zack looks back at a turning point in his life.

EPIPHANIES

by Pari106

The first day I realized I wasn’t strictly heterosexual, I wanted to kill somebody.

Maybe I did. I don’t know…the memory’s kind of fuzzy.

It was about four years ago. I was cleaning up after Jondy in Newark…she’d left some of her things behind when I moved her to Boise and I didn’t want to risk Lydecker picking up her trail. So I arrived at her place in the middle of the night, and they were waiting for me – the Sector police. Luckily, they didn’t have anything to do with Manticore. They were just checking out the tenant who’d left her apartment without paying three months worth of rent (Jondy’s bad about things like that).

Anyhow, that’s when I had my epiphany At 2:35 a.m. … in a shitty little apartment building in Newark… hand-to-hand with a couple of rookie cops.

Suddenly I started to notice things I hadn’t noticed before. Like the scent of aftershave. Like the way rookie number two looked in his uniform… Things I didn’t think I should have noticed.

I’ve never resolved a conflict so quickly in all my life. Usually I like to draw a good fight out for a while. Enjoy myself. That’s pretty hard to do being three times stronger and faster than anyone else. It’s hard to find a challenge. And I don’t fuck with Manticore. I wouldn’t risk the others that way. But this time I didn’t screw around. I don’t know if it was shock or anger or fear riding my tail when I blazed out of there…maybe all of the above. But I practically flew out of New England. I couldn’t understand what had happened…I couldn’t accept it.

I guess that sounds pretty whack. I could handle twenty-one years of life as a genetically engineered super soldier; ten as a fugitive. But I couldn’t deal with the prospect of being bisexual.

All a part of the programming, you know. Military tradition. Manticore looks down on "deviant" sexuality…to be honest, they look down on any type of sexuality. At least where the X5s are concerned. We’re not people, after all; we’re soldiers. Weapons. Nobody likes the thought of their 44 mags getting it on in the ammo locker.

A crude analogy…but pretty accurate. We’re supposed to make war, not love. It’s an ideology I never had a problem with. Before the escape.

I’m sure the others think I haven’t changed since then. In a lot of ways I haven’t. But I don’t believe in all the bullshit they fed us back there. I don’t believe in all the sentimental crap society feeds us out here, either. But I don’t think it’s wrong to care about someone. To want someone. The mistake is letting that caring or wanting cloud your judgement, which I never do.

Well, almost never.

But four years ago I didn’t know where my judgement had gone. I fought it for a whole year. Then there was that incident with Krit.

8888 8888

I can’t tell you what it is with dark hair and dark eyes…I’ve always had that preference in women. On the rare occasions when I allowed myself the luxury of an affair, I’d pick a brunette over a blonde any day. The attraction goes way back, before Max even. But I didn’t think it applied to men, too.

I certainly didn’t think I was attracted to Krit.

I never had been before. But suddenly I started seeing things, people, differently. By that time I’d been struggling with my new, confusing feelings for a year and I was starting to get paranoid. I was afraid to be near anyone. Man, woman… I didn’t know how my newfound "perversity" would manifest itself next.

Then there was Krit.

He couldn’t have called me at a worse time. I’d just found out Tinga had a little boy. I felt like my authority was being challenged at a time when I didn’t feel certain I could defend it. And I couldn’t admit it, even to myself, but I felt lonelier than ever. I was angry because I couldn’t understand why Tinga would take that kind of risk. And angrier because I could. I was
vulnerable, I’ll admit it. Then Krit calls…saying something’s gone wrong in Nevada, where he was living then, and I had
to show up right away.

I couldn’t have arrived at a worse time either.

Now I can’t believe I didn’t realize he’d set the whole thing up. It never occurred to me. I wasn’t *that* paranoid. Yet. And even if I’d known Krit was interested in men, too…I wouldn’t have put that together with his being interested in me. To be honest, I’m impressed he went through with it. I didn’t think he had it in him. I always thought he was kind of afraid of me…well, I guess he was. He still is; now more than ever. I should have realized all of this, but I didn’t. Krit had been
relocated more often than any of the others. Ever since we all hit puberty, he’d call at least once a year; like clockwork. I never though anything of it. Fuck, I was dense. I figured he was just overly cautious; something I didn’t mind. But he never did
anything to make me suspect otherwise. Till Nevada.

He was asleep when I showed up. And naked. Stretched out over the length of his bed without an article of clothing or a solitary bedsheet covering his skin…

It irritated the hell out of me.

I was angry. But mostly I was aroused.

I was angry because it was stupid. What if Manticore burst in through the door instead of me? He’d be, literally, caught with his pants down; totally vulnerable. His piece was nowhere to be seen. And the doors weren’t even locked, for fuck’s sake. It pissed me off.

But it aroused me even more.

That’s why I was irritated.

And it didn’t help that he acted totally casual when I woke him up. "Oh, hey bro," he said sleepily. As if it wasn’t bad enough hearing him call me "bro", after I’d just gotten through staring at his ass…then he started to roll over…

I just couldn’t allow that.

"Get dressed," I ordered roughly. I knew I sounded like an asshole, but I didn’t care. I grabbed the nearest piece of fabric to me…hoping it was a pair of pants, because otherwise I’d look like a complete fucking psycho…and threw it at him. Then I got out of there before I really did something crazy.

We were half way out of town before I even got around to asking Krit what the problem was. Idiot. I should have asked sooner. Krit had to know something was up. What the hell was wrong with me? He didn’t call me on it, though. I knew he wouldn’t.

Krit just shrugged when I asked. We’d stopped outside of Reno. I thought we should rest for the night; I needed some time to clear my head. I did *not* need another hundred miles on the same bike as Krit. He said his had been stolen. I figured we’d just camp out on the roadside; then I could take a nice, long walk while Krit slept. Fully clothed. But he insisted we stop at a motel. he complained that he couldn’t sleep on the dirt. And that should have been my next sign that he was up to something. Krit never complains.

But we got a room. Inside, he answered my question, looking very uncomfortable. He said he’d let something slip in the heat of the moment. With a lover.

The irritation that had been building inside of me peaked. The last thing I wanted to hear about at that moment was one of Krit’s lovers. And the last thing I wanted to admit to myself was that I actually felt jealous…

I didn’t mean to let this show, but my own voice sounded harsh in my ears when I told Krit what I told him next.

"A woman?" I asked, trying to force the appropriate amount of scorn into my voice. I just couldn’t help picturing Krit the way I’d seen him in his bed. I couldn’t help but imagine seeing what his lover had seen… "You blew your cover because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut in bed?" my mouth said on its own.

He squirmed when I said that. Which made me immediately guilty for being such a dick to him all the time. Which made me angrier still because I wanted to kiss him to show how sorry I really was…

The illusion of total heterosexuality that I had clung to before was rapidly disappearing.

"Sort of," he’d said.

"What do you mean, sort of?" I’d asked. I just couldn’t seem to stop.

"I’m talking about a man, Zack," he told me. "Not a woman."

Oh.

Now what the fuck was I supposed to do with that information? Nothing good, I can tell you. I told him to forget about it and go to sleep. I never did. I was too afraid of what I would dream if I did.

8888 8888

It just got worse from then on. Seems like we were constantly touching; I couldn’t avoid it. Little did I know that this was Krit’s intention… I’d planned on taking him to Texas, but I quickly changed my mind and settled on New Mexico. Just one state over. I wasn’t sure I could make it any longer.

I was right. I didn’t last two days.

We’d just crossed the border when Krit suggested we stop again. I’d never made a slower trip in all my life, but for some reason I just went along with it. It was like I knew I was only fighting the inevitable. I even let Krit go in and get the room. I didn’t think about it at the time, but I must have known, subconsciously, what I was doing. Sure enough, Krit came back with the key. To a room with one bed.

He said it was the only one available, and I didn’t argue with him. But sleeping arrangements would be a
problem.

"I’ll sleep on the floor," I told him.

"Why?" he’d asked, looking genuinely surprised. He looked at me like I was crazy. I was starting to think that maybe I was. It wasn’t like we’d spent the entire trip from Reno in tense silence; Krit didn’t even seem to notice anything was wrong. We talked. I’m not very talkative…neither is he, come to think of it. But we talked. I was starting to think maybe I was imagining things.Imposing my own feelings on him.

Then he climbed into bed that night. Naked.

No surprise. He seemed to sleep naked every night. So did I…when I was alone or with a woman. But it’s hard not to keep "imagining" things when you’ve got Krit lying next to you with no clothes on.

I went to bed fully dressed.

I would have worn my jacket and boots if I could have gotten away with it. And he just said ‘goodnight’ like it was no big deal. I didn’t think I’d sleep at all.

I did. And I dreamed of Krit.

I dreamed we were lying closer to one another…holding one another… Even with the odd feelings I’d developed over the past year, I’d never dreamed about a man before and this was intense. I dreamed I was looking up into his eyes… Only when I opened my eyes, he was still there.

It took me a moment to realize I wasn’t still dreaming.

"Krit?"

He was right there beside me, just like in the dream, only we weren’t touching. And he was staring at me with an unreadable look in his eyes…so dark they could have been black. "You called my name in your sleep," he told me.

Oh, fuck!

I didn’t know what to say. Or what to do. I’d done it now. I’d made a total ass of myself. I could swear I was going to turn red. I felt like an idiot, and I never felt like an idiot.

I began to sit up. What could I say?

"I…" I didn’t finish. I didn’t sit up, either. Because what Krit did next made me go still.

He kissed me.

It wasn’t a long kiss; just a little one. As if he were testing me. Or just tasting me. I had the first, brief, novel feeling of being kissed by a man, and then he pulled back.

It was absolutely silent in that motel room except for our heartbeats…and the sound of my breathing, which sounded awfully loud all of a sudden…

I still didn’t know what to say. If it had been left up to me I guess that kiss wouldn’t have gone anywhere. But Krit…Krit who was so afraid and uncertain around me in every other situation, had suddenly gained this incredible confidence. He knew he had the upper-hand. He knew I had no idea what I was doing. Maybe he could just sense it in me; maybe I was just really,
pathetically obvious. Maybe he’d gone through the same thing and recognized the signs. Maybe that’s why he called so often. I thought I was checking in on him…but he was really checking up on me. Waiting for when I was ready. I guess he figured I was ready when I reached Nevada. He’d planned it all that time. I never respected him as much as I have since I realized this. It was devious… but I respect that. I respect the courage it must have taken him to kiss me. I respect the fact that, in that moment, he had countless times more power over me than I had over myself. No one I could remember had ever had that before. No one afterwards would until Max.

"You dreaming about me, Zack?" he asked.

This was new to me. It was all new. The kissing, of course…but hearing him talk to me that way…somehow that was even more so. He didn’t have that same no nonsense tone he used when taking orders, or the same flippant tone he used when he disobeyed them. Or even the same tone he used when it wasn’t about CO and soldier between us…when it was just two X5s, two guys out of our group hanging out. It wasn’t like any way he’d ever spoken to me before. It was the way he spoke to Syl sometimes, but I didn’t want to think about that…

I didn’t know how to answer. I still naively clung to the belief that I wasn’t sure what would happen next. As if he’d just kissed me to freak me out. I could see in his eyes that this wasn’t true…I could see desire there. I could feel it against my hip. nother new sensation. One I’d thought I would shy away from. Instead I felt myself hardening, as well, in response.

"I’m right here, you know," he said next, quieter this time.

I still couldn’t say anything. I just stared at him; studied him. That’s my knee-jerk reaction, you know. Study a situation from all the angles. Evaluate strategy; probabilities…

Then he kissed me again.

He really kissed me this time. No test…this was the real thing. This one wouldn’t let me just allow the kiss to happen. This time, I felt his tongue at my lips and knew I was at a turning point. Would I pull back? Or would I see where this went next?

I’ve never been good at retreat.

I found myself kissing him back. Lips, tongue, teeth… It wasn’t as different as I thought it would be…but it wasn’t like kissing a woman. There were the slightest differences. Not just because my lover felt different; tasted different. It was a different dynamic all together. I always thought making love with a woman was a constant pattern of give and take. This was too, I guess. But it was harder to tell who was giving and who was taking. It was like we were both competing for the upper-hand…and I didn’t even know what that was.

But it was wild…the taste of him, the feel of him. It was obvious he was experienced with men. It was odd for me…for once not being the one in charge. But it’s hard to take charge when you don’t know where you’re going.

All I knew is I wanted to get there…and fast.

We hadn’t kissed for more than moments when I was already breathing hard and putting all of my force into our kiss. Then Krit’s hands started to roam…and I took his cue. I’d always thought I would be turned off by the difference between a man’s body and a woman’s body if I ever made love with a man. But instead I found them exciting; curious. I couldn’t explore enough. Neither could Krit, apparently. He had me groaning before I’d even worked up the courage to touch him. My
clothes disappeared in moments. I can’t even remember who removed what, but we were both so anxious to get them off I’m surprised I had anything to wear in the morning.

"Fuck, Zack, I want you so fucking bad…" he said in my ear, his voice rough with desire. His hand closed around me at the same time and I didn’t think I could take it, I was so close to the edge already.

"Krit…"

Then he took my hand and led it to his own erection, his movements jerky in his need. "Touch me, Zack. Please…"

I looked up and saw his eyes were closed. I’d been imitating his own movements, but the sight of his face…the sweat beading up on his forehead…the wanting so evident in his expression…the tension… I was emboldened. And the sounds of his soft groans as I moved my hand over him made the feel of his hands on my own body only that much more erotic.

"You feel so goddamned good, Krit…" I whispered into his ear, increasing the pressure of my grip as much as I could without hurting him.

"Fuck!" he moaned into my kiss when I pulled his mouth back roughly to mine.

His hands started moving on me faster, and I was really starting to lose it now. But Krit didn’t want that just yet. I felt like cursing when he stopped touching me, but if I’d worried that he was just going to leave me like that then I shouldn’t have.

His mouth started travelling away from my mouth, down my chin and down my neck towards my collarbone. His kisses were rough, but not quite bruising. He was a gentler lover than I’ve ever been able to be.

The kisses weren’t the same as having him actually hold me in his hand, but they were erotic all the same. Feeling his teeth against my nipples…feeling his hands travel my hips and thighs as he moved further and further down. I didn’t have enough presence of mind left at that point to realize what he was about to do until I felt his breath against my erection.

When I realized what would come next…that was almost enough to send me over right there. "Oh, fuck, Krit…"

I didn’t know what to do with my hands and they fisted in the sheets beneath me; Krit had kicked away all the covers. He had me going crazy for him, and the little bastard knew it, too. He was enjoying it. Through half-lidded eyes I saw him smile, and vowed to pay him back for tormenting me. Later.

"You want it, Zack?" he asked.

Shit! As if I had to say it!

I had to grit my teeth to keep from yelling. But Krit wasn’t going to be merciful. "Say it," he ordered. I was too far-gone at that point to care. The only problem was recovering my ability to speak…

"Fuck me!" is all I managed. But apparently it was enough.

With one quick motion, Krit took me completely in his mouth.

That’s all it took. A few smooth, hot glides of his mouth over my erection and that was it. I didn’t want to climax yet. I wanted to enjoy the sensations longer, but I couldn’t hold back. I felt my climax coming with the force of a fucking train.

"Oh…fuck. Fuck, yeah…" I was groaning and moving my hips up towards his willing mouth now. And then suddenly I was coming…

I was still recovering from the intensity of my reaction when Krit pulled me out of his mouth, leaving the bed. He returned before I even had the chance to ask where he’d gone.

I saw that he had a small tube in his hands. Lubricant.

This I didn’t know about. I wasn’t sure I was ready. But I was still dazed with pleasure, and he wasn’t giving me much time to think about it. He asked me to roll over and I did without thinking.

"I can’t stop…," he was saying. "Zack, I can’t fucking wait…"

I could feel him shaking, he needed release so badly, and suddenly I needed to give it to him. He started applying the lubricant, and I twisted to grab his head and bring his mouth back down to mine. My way of saying I was okay with this. And with that, and a groan, he lost control. Without readying me in any other way, he suddenly thrust inside of me all at once.

I think we both cried out at that, but I’m not sure. The sensation was unbelievable. I’d expected the discomfort, the pain…but the slight pleasure was a surprise…

Krit reached beneath me and grabbed my erection, stroking me even as he continued pumping inside me. My groans began to mix in with his. It didn’t take him long.

"Zack…Zack…"

Krit said my name over and over, his voice becoming less and less clear as he neared climax…and suddenly he was there. I felt him tense on top of me, begin to twitch inside of me, and it was over. Leaving us both exhausted and panting, and me feeling like I’d never stopped dreaming after all…

8888 8888

The morning after. It’s never easy, is it?

I guess for some people it is. People who’ve got the security of knowing whatever madness possessed them the night before had possessed their partner just as much. Would continue to possess them both that night, and the night after. Would continue through the day…not fading with the night’s shadows. I guess Tinga has that with her husband. Guess most married couples do. The happy ones, anyhow.

It’s not like that for people like me. People who don’t have the security of knowing anything for certain. I don’t know what the hell it is that overcame me that night with Krit. Well…I didn’t then. I still hadn’t come to terms with it. I didn’t know what I was to him, or him to me. We feel for one another what I think all the X5s feel for one another; what I feel for all of the X5s that are my responsibility. I don’t know what love is…it isn’t a big part of my every day life. But I guess that’s what we have. It’s not the kind of love Tinga talks about when she talks about Charlie. And what I felt for Krit that night…it wasn’t just like all the other X5s…it wasn’t just sex either. But I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t know what it was for him. The same as it was for me? Some confusing…something? A test…of himself, to see if he could do it? A test of me, to see what would happen; what I’d do. A challenge? I know how hard it is to find a challenge… Especially being designed to be beautiful, like Krit was. Is that all it was?

I guess I knew better than that. But I’ll admit it…I was scared. I was too scared to listen to the truth I already knew.

Too scared to stay and find out for sure.

It wasn’t like me to run away from anything. But, then, I don’t guess I thought of it as running at the time. I told myself here was as good a place as any for Krit to relocate. We didn’t really know if that lover of his would cause any trouble in Reno anyhow.

It’s amazing what you can make yourself believe if you’re desperate enough.

I tried to dress quietly and quickly; to get out of there before Krit woke up. I guess a lot of people I’ve been with would say I’m an asshole. I’ve never led anyone on; made them believe there was more there between us than a night if that’s all there really was. But something always happens in the middle of making love with someone…something that makes you forget the things you want to forget, if you want to forget them badly enough. Something makes people forget you’re not going to
stay. I never stayed. But I’ve never just left in the morning without so much as ‘goodbye’…or something close to it. Not unless I had to.

But I’m leaving now. Because the truth is…I don’t want to leave. That could be dangerous with Krit. Especially since he isn’t just one of those people who I have nothing more in common with than a night.

X5s are pretty stealthy. I’ve prided myself in that. But they’re also damned hard to sneak by. I guess I didn’t really have a chance…I’d barely gotten back into my jeans when I sensed Krit waking up behind me. I stiffened when I felt his eyes on my back…but I didn’t stop. I picked up my shirt.

"Zack?" he asked. That same, sleepy voice he always keeps for a good goddamned hour after he wakes up. For crying out loud, if we’d come under attack we’d both be dead…weren’t soldiers supposed to be alert? I wanted to make myself irritated at this fact, like I always was…but I couldn’t. For some reason I couldn’t find a goddamned thing about Krit that didn’t make me want to crawl back into that bed…fuck, I was falling apart fast.

I turned, trying to force the same casual look on my face that had worked with other lovers who didn’t want to let me go in the morning. But I had no idea if I’d pulled it off. Krit wasn’t some other lover.

"Gotta go," I told him, pulling the shirt over my head. "I figure here’s as good a place as any. We don’t know if anything will come of Reno. And you should be able to find work and a place pretty easy here…"

He was just watching me with those dark eyes of his…eyes I couldn’t look at just then. ‘Why the fuck do I feel like crying? What the hell is wrong with me?’ I’d never felt like that before.

My words died off as I realized what I was about to tell him next. That I’d leave some money for him…I always do. I never set up any of them without giving them a little cash, first. But now…somehow it didn’t seem right to say it. I’d already stashed the cash in his bag, anyhow.

"That’s it?"

His voice suddenly wasn’t sleepy anymore. It was low and quiet…and it made my blue eyes go to his brown. For a moment…I didn’t know if I could really do this.

"What else is there?" I somehow managed to ask. Good. Perfect tone; just the right amount of eye contact. Make him believe last night wasn’t anything more than it might have been for him – an experiment. A challenge. Just sex with someone trustworthy and, coincidentally, very attractive. But I know that isn’t what it was…for either of us.

It was more than just sex for me. It was more than just an experiment, although I’ll always remember my first time with a man, with Krit, for what it was: new and exciting. It was a lot more than just sex. Maybe it could have been more than friendship, but I didn’t realize this until later. Too much later. Me and Krit were just one epiphany short of making things work that way. And I know I hurt him by leaving. Later, I realized that I’d hurt myself, too. And I’ll probably spend the rest of my life trying to make that up to us.

Besides Krit, there wasn’t another man who’d ever meant anything to me as a lover, before or after. Until Logan. But that, too, took a personal discovery on my part that almost came too late.

END