~Still Chasing Echoes (Prologue)~

~I didn't fall. I jumped and I will jump again

Because I heard, I understood what was there to see

If it hit me in the head, I'd duck a second time

I saw the world change through my eyes~

-Human Drama

Dawson took a deep breath, let it out, and began.

"The first time my parents got married, they were young. They were just out of college. And umm, I remember looking at the photo album as a kid and wondering why I wasn't in any of the pictures. It's hard when you love someone that much to imagine them having this entire life that you weren't even there for. And I have to say that being here today, experiencing this first hand, finally getting to be in all the pictures, I wouldn't trade this for anything. 'Cause I'd much rather be apart of what you have now than what you had then. That point where everything is forgiven. And I think that that's really what love means. That you can forgive anything. So, to my parents, who taught me that love does not conquer all. That loves ends and begins again. Cheers."

"Hey, your speech was beautiful."

"Thanks"

"What you said, did you mean it Dawson?"

"Every word, which is why I can't let you go."

"What?"

"I know you're not my girlfriend anymore-you haven't been for a long time-but in the end I know that we're destined to be together. We're soul mates Joey. Last year you had the opportunity to go to Paris to study, and because of me you didn't. Because our love was worth giving up the world for. I'd just like to find that again...this summer...with you. Stay with me?"

Tears slid down cheeks, and reddened eyes looked into pleading ones. "Dawson... I don't quite know what I feel for Pacey...but it's something..."

"Is it what *we* had? Be honest with me Jo."

"I...I don't... no, it's not."

He reached out his arms, drawing her into a gentle kiss.

The car sped down the highway with a speed that surprised its passengers, considering the age of the driver. A window had been left open to combat the heat, and wind whipped through their hair. Jack stared at the blur outside his window. The passing cars were barely discernable-it was all a mixture of reds and blues and blacks. When a familiar sign caught his eye he breathed a sigh of relief. "Welcome to Capeside". They were back. He could get out of the car, and start trying to forget this trip ever happened. Maybe if he concentrated hard enough he could wipe out the memory of Ethan's eyes-the shame and pity.

As they pulled into town he visibly relaxed. This was safe. This was home. He could just go to his room, crawl into bed, and-

Large sloppy red letters glared out at him from Joey's wall: "Ask me to stay".

Jack's mind entered a panicked loop and then came to a screeching halt. "Grams!!"

"Jack?" The old woman slammed on the breaks and turned around in her seat, while Jen and Andie stared at him in confusion.

"Let me out here."

"What in the world?" Grams looked the boy over worriedly. She knew that he had taken a big risk earlier...and to have it blow up all in your face....

"Pacey's leaving, and I'm going to stop him." Jack set his face with determination, making it clear that there would be no argument. He opened a door and took off running without looking back, leaving his sister and friends to simply watch his retreating form, still not all together clear on what had just happened.

Andie was the first to speak up. "But we already knew that Pacey was leaving. His goodbye party is what started this whole thing...."

The car was silent for a moment, as the inhabitants turned the unspoken question over in their minds. Grams tapped her fingers on the steering wheel and the two girls looked at their hands. Concern for Jack had steadily increased on the drive home, multiplying with each clench of his jaw and every quiet sigh of breath. Then to have just taken off... It finally became evident, however, that they weren't accomplishing anything sitting in the car and waiting for enlightenment to strike. And he obviously wasn't coming back....

"He'll be alright, you children walk around this town all the time by yourselves. If we leave now we might catch the end of that wedding" Grams pulled away from the curb and resumed their journey, but the red letters seemed to follow them...treading lightly on their minds all the way to the Leery's.

~Where My Innocence Was Left~

~You can reach for the stars

But take what you get here~

-Human Drama

//Forget waiting. I've just gotta get the hell out of this town//

Pacey made his way slowly towards the boat, peering over the last of the boxes stacked up to his nose. The weight unsettled him, and he tripped over a loose board. The boxes went flying, and Pacey toppled to the dock face first. Luckily, the contents weren't fragile. Unluckily, his ego was. //Great. Just great. Because it wasn't bad enough that Doug and Andie were right all along...Left all alone-what a big surprise. // Pacey let out a bitter laugh. //But noooo... I also have to steer my boat off into the sunset with pounding headache. Oh yeah. The day's sure looking up...// He picked himself up and finished loading "True Love", this time carrying the boxes one at a time. He didn't need any more injuries, and with fate's vendetta against him lately...it probably wasn't wise to push it. Just as he was getting ready to set the boat free from the dock, a voice shot out like a sonic boom through his thoughts.

"Pacey! Stop!" Pacey looked up and saw a figure dodging people as he ran, jumping over ropes and speeding down the ramp. It was Jack. //Wait a minute... Jack?!//

"Pacey" Jack skidded to a halt and bent over, placing his hands on his knees for support. He had to take a moment to catch his breath, and then continued with only slight panting. "Don't leave... I...I mean...I really...I need someone to talk to..." And then he let it all out, falling to his knees and sobbing in plain view.

Pacey was baffled. He had no idea what could have happened to make his friend react like this. Cautiously, he lowered himself to the floor and reached out a hand, patting the crying boy's back in an awkward attempt at comfort. Pacey hated to see Jack like this, he was usually so calm and laid back. There was a sick feeling in Pacey's stomach. It was eating away at him like acid...and was vaguely familiar. Sifting back through his memories, he found the source of the deja vu. It was when that bastard of a teacher was trying to humiliate Jack, making him read that unmasking poem in front of the whole class. Bile had risen in Pacey's throat. He had never hated anyone as much as Mr. Peterson in that moment, forced to watch Jack flee the room in tears but unable to do anything. //I hate this, this helplessness. I hate that I can never *fix* things. He's one of the few friends that I have left, and I'm failing him. That's me-Pacey the town screw-up//

"He doesn't want me. No one wants me..." Jack's body was wracked with sobs as he threw words out in a half unconscious ramble. "Why is it so hard? I don't understand. Why me? I didn't ask to be gay." Jack slumped against Pacey, who wrapped his arms around his friend in a futile attempt to shield him from the world.

A couple walked by and paused at the sight of the two young men embracing. Pacey froze as their gaze seemed to burn right through him, and watched as they shook their heads in disgust before continuing on. Instinctively he recoiled, loosening his hold on Jack and beginning to back away. But only for a second. As soon as Pacey was aware of his actions he stilled, forcing himself to relax. //Who the hell cares what some idiots think?

Screw them//

Pacey returned his concentration to the warm yet shivering bundle of nerves in his arms, content with simply cataloging his friend's breaths-in and out, in and out. In an unconscious effort, he made his own synchronize with them. Pacey could feel a heart beating steadily against his chest, and he could hear his own in his ears. These observations were strangely soothing. The sobbing had become so constant that it no longer inferred with his thoughts, and his mind was free to debate his course of action. Sailing away for the summer no longer seemed an option, for some inexplicable reason he couldn't quite put his finger on. Yet how could he watch the Joey and Dawson soap opera drama unfold day in and day out in Capeside?

Despair clutched his heart and tightened his throat. A scream bubbled up inside of him, anger fighting to be released. He wanted violence and flesh...tangible things, things that made sense. Pacey wanted a world where you could just come in, fists flying, and get the job done. Then everything would be alright. Nothing would hurt anymore. No long drawn out discussions, no philosophical dilemmas, no consequences. He wanted to climb aboard that boat, with a name that he didn't even believe in anymore, and leave all of this shit far behind. But...

When Jack had called his name and collapsed at his feet...Pacey had forgotten. For five or ten blissful minutes he had been thinking about someone else. For the first time in months Pacey had felt *alive*. He had stopped feeling sorry for himself, turning the same questions over and over in his head until he slowly went insane. Instead of thinking he had been *doing*--living in the moment, running on instinct. It was nice.

"Hey." Pacey's voice came out in a raspy whisper, surprising them both. "Why don't we get out of here. You can come back to my house with me, we can `borrow' some of Doug's beer, and you can fill me in on what's going on..." He looked at Jack kindly, no demands in his voice. Just an offer.

Jack picked himself up, suddenly very self-conscious. He straightened his clothes and wiped his eyes, avoided Pacey's concerned gaze. "Alright."

The two boys walked out of the marina, side by side. Silence hung in the air, but it was a comfortable silence. And "True Love" bobbed in the water, dressed in the vague shadows of sunset...ready to set sail, yet abandoned.

~This damn wind will change direction

It will stop you

Dead as you walk~

-Human Drama

~I Stand Unarmed~

~On a trail blazed with words, one that I was lost upon

The road that I depended on, I follow no more...

And take my hand from the fire, refusing all intended scars

You are cool water. Into you, I swim~

-Human Drama

Listen.

If someone had walked up to Pacey three years ago and told him his future-told him that he would cancel a summer vacation in the Florida Keys-told him that he would do it in order to comfort his boyfriend-less gay buddy...he would have laughed his ass off.

If they told him how good it would feel...he would have given them a black-eye and then proceeded to hit on half of the female student body.

But then...one night it would happen...and he would open up the frig, take out a couple of beers, and lean back on his couch- -not surprised in the least.

Funny how things change.

All trains of thought had been derailed.

It was a kind of fuzzy numbness really... A kind of low down deep in the belly twisty feeling. Because here he was-not alone.

Not lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and wincing as a monster scratched at him from the inside. No sandpaper whispers deep in his brain, reminding him that Pacey Witter didn't *get* love. He didn't get anything. No hiding, burrowing under covers that were too hot-scorching really-and pleading his body to slip into blessed unconsciousness.

This was almost..."nice". A strange, alien word to be appearing in his mind. Different. Pacey let the word roll off the tip of his tongue silently, mouthing it yet not making a sound. "Nice."

Jack was there at his side, matching the speed and rhythm of Pacey's strides. Every so often their hands would brush. And that was nice too, after lacking human companionship for so long. Comfortable. And for once, Pacey questioned his decision to push the world away when Joey left him. Because maybe life didn't *have* to be black or white. It could be purple and green and red and blue, swirled together into the feel of soft fingers brushing against his.

When they reached the apartment Jack headed directly to the bathroom, entering quickly and locking the door behind him. He slid to the floor with a sigh, scared and confused now that he was off autopilot. When he had been reminded of Pacey's departure a kind of desperation had filled him-driving him to action. In that moment he had realized that he *couldn't* do this alone-whatever "this" was anyway. Pacey was the "knight in shining armor", he was supposed to be there to save you when things were getting tough. When Mr. Peterson was harassing him about his poem, when Andie was having a breakdown, when the Potters needed a substitute for the Ice House, when Joey's mural was defaced, when Mr. Green was being fired... Pacey was there. And he wasn't allowed to simply disappear now when Jack needed him! It wasn't *right*, he wasn't playing by the rules.

True being helped hurt, it shredded his pride to let it happen. It consumed him and ate away at him like acid. But Pacey never acted like you owed him anything. He wasn't like that. He wasn't like anyone Jack had ever known, because he didn't *own* people. He would fight for his flock with a nearly animalistic intensity, for those he saw as family and friends. Yet he never reined you in, putting you in a little box and expecting you to play his game. And that was why Jack had needed him so *badly* today.

But now in the harsh yellow light of the bathroom, sitting on cold square tiles, Jack was staring stark reality in the face... And it was like a gun shot to the stomach. Picking himself up, Jack stared at his reflection in the mirror, self disgust evident in his expression. //God, could I be any more selfish? Jeez McPhee, when did *you* become the center of the universe? Must be nice...// He let out a self-depreciating chuckle. *Guess Dawson's not the only one who wants a scripted life..*

He glared hard at his reflection, as if attempting to shatter the glass with a look. Focusing on the eyes, he studied the stranger before him. This man-boy, on the brink of something, the "this" that he still couldn't define. Somehow, when he had stepped out of that car, the world had shifted-it had tilted approximately 10 degrees or so...and he was the only person who had noticed. It was a terrifying yet exhilarating feeling.

There was a knock on the door.

"Plan on spending the night in there?" A snicker. "Did you fall in?"

With a final rap on the door, Pacey returned to the living room. The two beer bottles felt cool and slippery in his hands, like a soothing balm, and he pressed one to his forehead for a moment. The cold seeped into his skull, relaxing him further, and he released a soft sigh. Letting the tension unfurl throughout his body, Pacey practically leaped onto the couch. Stretching his arms out over the back and letting his feet hang haphazardly, he stared at the ceiling in silent contemplation. All of a sudden it felt ok to be alive.

"Ahem."

The clearing of a throat sent Pacey hurling to reality and he pulled his gaze downward. A blotchy tear stained face greeted his eyes, but it was wearing one of the sweetest smiles he had ever seen.

"Pull up a chair" Pacey patted the cushion on his left side.

Jack sent him a strange look and rolled his eyes, but sat where instructed.

"Sooo.. you wanna talk about it?" Pacey came right to the point, yet his loose posture and easy grin made it clear that the pressure was 100% off.

"Not really." The moment the words came out of his mouth Jack flinched. Here he was, on the offensive again. //Really, isn't this getting a tad ridiculous? Especially since this time no one's butting into your business. *You* came to *him*, remember? // The knot in his stomach wound tighter, and he began to feel nauseous. Visions of men in stark white coats. "I'm sorry son, but you're completely irrational. We'll have to take you in for your own good." //I'm not crazy like my mother, I'm not crazy like my mother, I'm not crazy like my mother, I'm not crazy like my mother...//

A gentle hand on his knee shook Jack out of his thoughts, thumb stroking up and down in slow deliberate movements. His anchor back to reality. All of his body's senses seemed to fixate on that point, hyper-aware of the hand's every aspect. He could feel the slightest of shifts, map out every wrinkle-like indention, count heart beats through the blood pulsing in its veins. The experience was all so surreal, yet utterly and completely natural. Then, abruptly, the hand lifted. Jack sucked in a breath, shocked to discover Pacey sitting thigh to thigh with him and peering into his face with concern. It appeared that he'd been talking for a minute or so...

"...and you *know* how much I don't what to get into *that* mess. So don't worry about it. We'll talk later. Now-beer." Pacey gave him a disarming grin, in surprisingly good spirits, and handed him a sweating bottle. "Doug'll be so happy that his favorite brother's staying home for the summer that he'll never miss a few Bud Lights."

Jack snorted, almost dropping the bottle. "Sure Pacey. He'll be thrilled."

"Shut up. You just haven't been exposed to the full extent of my charm. One day you too will worship at the altar of Pacey Witter and learn to appreciate the blessed joy of my presence." Pacey smirked and tossed a pillow at Jack. "We shall begin your training with a lesson on the fine art of drinking games." He puffed up his chest with self-importance and took on a simpering tone of voice. "Now Mr. McPhee, we must begin with the most basic of all men's drinking games. First, open the beverage." Jack had to bite his lip to keep from laughing, but put on a poker face in order to play along. "Second, lift the bottle to your lips." Jack did as instructed, head swimming with bright bursts of giggles that had been padlocked away. "Now let the beer pour down your throat.." Jack again did as he was commanded, but Pacey swiftly leaned over to pinch his stomach. A good plan in *theory*, a spit and beer drenched Pacey reasoned, but a bit of lacking in foresight.

Jack rolled on the couch with laughter, letting it bubble up and over. It spilled out of his mouth in a cleansing torrent, wiping away the day's memories of unresponsive lips and ice cold embarrassment. "Ahh man.." Jack tried to speak but lost it again, unable to get a hold over himself with his friend sitting right there in front of him, hair matted and wet cheeks. "Just think of it as karma", he finally forced out. And promptly collapsed all over again.

~Something to Feel~

~Just before the silver cuts through

And I'm found spellbound

There's something for you, there's something for me

It's something to feel~

-Human Drama

The front of "Screen Play Video" loomed before Pacey ominously, door swung wide open like a great beast ready to shallow him whole.

"I can't do this man!" Pacey protested violently, flinging his arms in the air and gesturing wildly. "I just can't look at him right now. I mean, he was my best friend for pretty much the whole of my existance. And nothing's ever going to be the same again..."

"I thought *I* was your best friend..", Jack teased, gently forcing Pacey's flailing limbs back to his sides.

"Hey, the position's open", Pacey joked. "I'm taking applications, you wanna come in for an interview?"

Jack gave him a friendly shove. "I think I've got this one by default. Like anyone else would put up with you?"

Pacey let himself bounce off a nearby wall and ricochet back into Jack, slinging an arm around his shoulder. The closeness felt good-warm and reassuring-so Jack didn't bother to shrug if off as expected.

It was...Pacey. A heavy chemical burn in his nose from recently applied cologne, yet underneath...the sweet, biting scent that Pacey seemed to be eternally saturated in.

Suddenly very sure that he *didn't* want this arm to move-ever-Jack decided to stall for time.

When a hand took hold, preventing his arm from returning to his side, Pacey glanced at his friend in surprise...and was greeted by "The Pacey Smile". A soft, almost shy grin coupled with eyes sparkling mischievously. It was beautiful...and it was only for him.

The first time he saw it, they had been listening to the new Blink 182 CD in Jack's room. Pacey was sitting back on the bed, drumming his hands on his knees and singing along. Jack had returned with sodas and tapped him on the shoulder to hand him one. Still mouthing the words, Pacey spun round-and lost all train of thought. Ladies and Gentlemen, Pacey's mind has left the building... A new expression graced Jack's face. And it lit up the entire room.

Over the next week this new smile-now privately dubbed "The Pacey Smile"-surfaced every so often, always unexpected and only directed towards him. And little by little the smile wormed its way into Pacey's soul, thrawing the ice Dawson's rejection had left. Talk about a best friend...no one had ever had an expression just for _Pacey_.

Suddenly much less anxious about meeting up with Dawson, Pacey swallowed his fear and pressed on. "Alright, let's just rent something and get it over with. What do you want to watch?"

Jack squinted his eyes, pretending to be deep in thought. "Umm...`The Usual Suspects'?"

Pacey laughed out loud. "Oh *that's* a surprise! I'm starting to worry about you... I think you're obsessed!" At Jack's answering snort he protested, "What?! Every time we talk about movies it's `The Usual Suspects' this, `The Usual Suspects' that... You've got a one track mind."

"Well you just have to see it to understand..."

Pacey jokingly pushed Jack away. "Is this some sort of secret cult? I love you man, but not enough to drink poisoned coolade.."

Jack put on dramatic airs, stumbling into the store and pulling on Pacey's sleeve. "You wouldn't die for our love? Where's Romeo when you need him? Romeo, oh Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?"

At this point the boys were cackling hysterically, bumping into each other and back as Jack yanked on Pacey's shirt. "And he said he *loved* me!"

Jack had tears in his eyes from the laughter as a nearby customer looked them as if both boys should be declared legally insane.

Now reduced to simple giggling, Pacey and Jack leaned on each other in an attempt to catch their breath.

"ok", Pacey gasped, "Let's just...calm..." One look at Jack's red face set him off again. "Oh damn..."

A giant bubble had just burst inside of them, two bodies twitching with humor and released tension. Nothing mattered except letting it all out...And it ceased to be about Jack's lame jokes, or Pacey's need to forget his anxiety. It was about the unmeasurable joy of human connections-when another person can complete some part of you, and take you places that you had never been before. The boys catapulted each other farther and farther into dizzy headed glee, grasping onto each other and feeling soft skin slide under slightly roughened finger tips. It was entoxicating...and they weren't planning to ever stop.

"Well Pacey...you sure know how to make an entrance." A steel voice broke through the private hilarity. "I suppose you've here to subject me to yet another of your passive agressive `performances', where you play the martyr and I'm stuck as the despicable archenemy. I can't wait. Go ahead, share your teenage angst..." Dawson leaned back on his chair and tapped his fingers on the counter.

Pacey and Jack froze, having forgotten exactly where they were and what that entailed. A purposefule clearing of Dawson's throat finally brought them back to life, and Pacey spun around in defiance.

"First of all, I'm not the one who has assigned us all roles in some Spielburg film: the beautiful yet naive young heroine, who is destined to be with her life long friend but is too naive to notice it at first; the dashing and committed young man, waiting in the wings for the girl of his dreams to realize that they are soulmates; the unscrupulous and manipulative bad boy who tries to steal the heroine away be confusing hormones with true love. That's *your* method of dealing with reality, not mine.

Pacey sighed as Dawson continued to stare unblinkingly, realizing that he had fallen right into the trap. Now it looked as if he'd come here to start a fight. //Damnit. Why do I let him get to me?//

"Look Dawson, I didn't come here in order to set a further course in our path as enemies. Sometimes there *is* no complicated ulterior motive. You won. You've got your soulmate and everything's back to the way Dawson wants it to be. No need to psychoanalyze every word or gesture I make in your general vicinity. We're just here to rent a movie." Pacey held his hands up in plain site and looked at his old friend beseechingly. A storm could be seen brewing inside of Dawson, and his face darkened with rage. The boy was quite clearly determined to have a long awaited conflict, and would not be denied. Sensing the immediate battle, Jack quickly stepped in front of Pacey and cut Dawson off just as he opened his mouth.

"This is ridiculous. Pacey didn't murder your dog, impregnate your little sister, or run off with your wife. You fought over a girl that *neither*

of you were dating at the time. GET OVER IT. And seriously Dawson, you're giving Jen a run for her money for the title of `Drama Queen of the Year'."

As Dawson paused speechless for a moment, trying to collect an indignant soliloquy, Pacey rushed over to a nearby aisle and returned with a video.

"I'd like to rent "The Usual Suspects" please..."

At Jack's brilliant `Pacey-smile' *Twice in one hour!*, he threw his arm back around Jack's shoulders and sent him a lazy grin. "You earned it Jackers, you earned it..."

"Wait! I don't get it!" Pacey protested vigorously, ready to leap off the bed and pause the cursed VCR. Did this omnipotent bad guy with a funny name really exist or not? And why was Jack just sitting there smirking? Something was up...

"It just gets worse from here..." Jack yawned and stretched out on the bed, feigning ambivalence while secretly gloating. "Just be patient. I can't say anything or I'll spoil the whole movie."

Pacey growled in frustration, sending the other boy the `evil eye'. "Just you wait. I'll find some flick you've never seen with so many surprise twists that it'll blow your mind... and I won't give you a single hint. So there." He huffed loudly and pouted, illiciting a chuckle from Jack.

"Fine. I wouldn't want you to tell me the ending anyway. Trying to figure it all out is the fun part. " He watched with glee as Pacey's face began to resemble a tomato. *This is even more fun than teasing Andie...*

If someone had asked Jack later-2 minutes or 20 years down the road- why he did what he did right then... Jack would have found it impossible to answer. It was a simple, yet infinitely complex impulse. And one that could not be avoided or explained.... Jack needed to touch Pacey-he needed it as much as he needed to eat, as much as he needed to breathe. And it just *was*.

"Aww, come here.." Jack's hands shot out before Pacey could protest, wrapping around his waist and yanking him back. Pacey let out a startled cry and fell into Jack's arms, finding himself nestled between two strong thighs with his head resting against a lean chest. Arms slid loosely around his middle. It was...nice-a word that seemed more and more intimately linked with Jack's presence.

"Should I move?" Pacey didn't know why he was whispering, but he couldn't seem to get his voice to cooperate. Every sound seemed to be amplified anyway, as the clock ticked like a rifle shot and the TV roared.

"No...just stay..." Pacey was relieved to hear that Jack also was confined to a hoarse whisper. The arms around his stomach tightened slightly and then relaxed, as warm breath caressed his right ear. "I like it...can we just watch the movie like this..?"

In the back of his mind, something was telling Pacey that guys didn't do stuff `like this' with their friends. They wrestled sometimes, sure. They were even known to hug in especially emotional moments. But...this was different...closer....barely balencing on some line that that the `something' in his head didn't want him to cross...

Yet... On the screen the cop was harassing that cripple again-who was stammering, refusing. Oh! There must be a secret here...This was just getting exciting. And that warm body he was pressed against-well, it felt pretty damn good. So maybe Pacey would let it slide...just this once.

~I feel I belong here

I feel it in my bones~

-Human Drama

~Fascination and Fear~

~I can almost feel your heart beating

See confusion in eyes so clear

The line between fascination

And fear~

-Human Drama

Steady breathing was the only sound that played in the dark room, although the faintest chirping of crickets could be heard through the open window. Shadows merged together until only the outline of a figure was visable, shrouded in covers and huddled around a large fluffy pillow. Upon much closer examination, it became evident that a smile was permanently etched across those lips--very likely to remain until morning. The young man in question seemed the picture of contentment, something the observer had not seen for years...since their family had fallen apart.

Mr. McPhee closed the door to his son's bedroom with a sigh, cherishing a moment he feared would be all too fleeting. They had to have a talk... but it could wait until morning.

Even on the faces of the people you most love there's always that one expression that you detest. It makes your stomach curl up, your head start to pound, and your voice heavy with sarcasm. Thus, in order to avoid certain confrontation, any intelligent person will "head for the hills" when a face begins that familiar shift. And Jack McPhee was no idiot.

"Morning Dad. I was just about to take a shower..." Leaving a half-eaten bowl of cereal behind, Jack pushed back his chair from the breakfast table. "I'll probably be out all day. See you tonight." He paused and squinted as his eyes protested against the sun light streaming through kitchen windows. //Just have to get out of the house without a conversation with Mr. I-Just-Want-To-Understand-My Son, and I can still have a pleasant day...// Unfortunately, as he was bolting for the door, a hand caught his arm in a gentle but firm grasp.

"Do you have a minute?" Before Jack could respond in the decidedly negative, his father continued. "From what I heard last night, you don't have to meet Pacey for lunch until noon. That leaves us quite a bit of time..."

The boy froze, eyes widening in shock as his mind pieced together what that statement meant and all of the implications that went with it. Then his eyes narrowed into slits and the room temperature seemed to drop ten degrees. //How dare he?!//

"So, do you listen in on Andie's phone conversations too? Or is this just a precaution for gay sons?" Jack's voice was like ice and his body nearly shook with fury, yet he kept the volume low and the tone controlled. Unnerved, Mr. McPhee took a step back and tried to think of a way to disfuse the situation. As the silence grew and lengthened Jack began to pace back and forth, ranting under his breath as his father helplessly watched. It would have been almost funny, the older man mused, if their father/son relationship wasn't so delicate these days...

"It wasn't planned. I wasn't spying on you Jack, I respect your privacy. I happened to be passing your room yesterday and heard you chattering with Pacey on the phone. When you mentioned your plans for the day I filed them in the back of my mind because *you're my son* and it's nice to know where you are. You never talk to me anymore Jack. I'd like to know what you're up to..."

"You could ask!", Jack cut in, expelling the words with such force that his father felt he'd been slapped in the face.

"Look.. I..." The elder McPhee paused to collect his thoughts, aware that his response would determine whether they would actually comunicate *anything* this morning or simply release pent up frustration.

Seconds ticked by on the clock, seeming to echo throughout the room, and Jack waited, surprising himself with his patience. //Why aren't I just telling Dad to screw himself? Well.. maybe not exactly in those words... but... This is *just* like him!...// And then he started, freezing then backing up his thought process. //Why am I so pissed?// And he was. Jack felt consumed with anger, ready to lash out at any provocation. Violence was in his every breath. He wanted-no, needed- to have something solid under his fingertips just give way; he needed to destroy.

//But why is this getting to me so bad? Ok, he heard me talking to Pacey. It's not like we were plottig worldwide domination...// They hadn't been discussing anything important, just casual conversation. But... it was different-this was Pacey. Somehow, even if there was no concrete reason, things with Pacey were *private*. When he sat up late at night, talking with Pacey on the phone, it was as if they were living in their own little world. He felt so free-he could say anything. In those moments Jack felt like he was in a bubble, his only tie to reality lying in the almost living object cradled against his neck. He could lie back on his bed and stare at the ceiling, not really seeing it but looking through the plaster and wood into the great expanse of nothingness beyond it. Concentrating intently on the lively voice, Jack would lazily play with a pencil or ruler, twirling them in his right hand....

And to have proof that this *wasn't* a safe zone-that it could be breeched by his father like anything else-made a scream well up inside Jack, bursting to get out.

"I'm sorry." His father finally broke the oppressive quiet. "How about we just start over. I'll ask..." He backed off further in a gesture of submission and attempted a friendly smile.

"What are you doing today?"

Jack looked at his father disbelievingly for a minute, then decided that he too could make an effort.

"Umm...", he cleared his throat nervously, "I'm meeting Pacey for lunch at twelve, and then we're going to take `True Love' out for awhile. After that...", the boy shrugged helplessly, "I don't know."

"That's nice." Some of the equilibrium restored to the conversation, the older decided to proceed with his earlier plans.

"I've noticed that you've been hanging out with Pacey a lot lately."

"Yeah, so?", Jack countered defensively.

"Nothing." His father backed up quickly. "I'm not accusing you of anything Jack. I'm simply...curious... Andie told me what happened with Ethan."

The younger man let out a deep sigh and pulled out a chair. It looked like he might be here for awhile...

"So, are you disgusted with me dad? I kissed another guy..."

"*No*" The answer came back firmly. "I'm proud of you son. It took a lot of courage to go after what you wanted. I'm just sorry that it didn't work out for you."

"It's alright. I was discussing it with Pacey and we decided that it was just a crush-nothing to actually do with Ethan at all. He was the first gay guy I'd ever met... so I channeled all of my wants and needs into him. I was in love with the *idea* of Ethan."

Mr. McPhee was surprised but pleased. "It appears that you've given this a lot of thought. So you talked it over with Pacey? It didn't make him feel uncomfortable?"

Jack blushed. "Pacey's really cool..."

"Sounds like it." The older man tried to keep his tone as nonchalant as possible. "So... is this a ...." Cursing the generation gap with a vengeance, he fumbled with the words. "... a `special friendship'?"

Jack was looking at him like he had become a strange new breed of platypus. This was not going well. In fact, this was not going *at all*. When did simple family relations become so difficult? For one solitary instance he wanted to be like other fathers, giving their teenage sons the "birds and bees talk" and lending them help with romance. But now... things had been altered in the most dramatic way. And he never knew quite what to say... when to quit or when to push... And he couldn't pretend that he understood what it meant to have a gay son-or even that he was comfortable with it yet. But he wanted to be a part of Jack's life. He wanted to learn. And there's no time like the present...

"I've noticed that...do you think that..." Slow the heart rate, take a deep breath, and jump. "Does Pacey know how you feel about him?"

Jack stared at his father in shock, his face a mask of horror. "I...shit." The shock was so absolute that he hadn't even registered his involuntary swearing. //I'm going to faint, I'm going to faint, I'm going to faint, I'm going to faint...//

"Sometimes...." The older man's face softened, as he latched onto one thing that he *did* understand, one thing that he could offer. "Sometimes, when you look at him, it's just like your mother used to look at me." He gave a gentle smile and decided to leave the boy in peace-he'd have a few things to sort out. "If you want to talk later, just let me know".

And then Jack was alone in the room, soggy Corn Flakes on one side and burnt toast on the other, staring at nothing and wondering when in the hell he'd stepped into the Twilight Zone...

Doug tried to mind his own business. Really, he did. Simply go through the routine: report to work, perform the necessary public services, come home, fall asleep, repeat. He filled his days and nights with noise-music, meaningless chatter with co-workers, television... Anything to avoid getting sucked into "real life" again. Anything to avoid the stagnant filth that followed his father wherever he went, whomever he touched. And anything to not see, *really* see his brother.

He *couldn't* watch, not now-not anymore. He had tried, but damnit... It was just so *easy* to get roped into the kid's problems, to find himself giving advice, to begin to lie awake at night wondering when it would all be too much and the kid would just snap. It always had seemed inevitable--that final breaking point. One day he'd wake up and the kid would be gone. Maybe not dead, laying in the ground as a far-too-late public play of remorse danced itself out over his grave...Maybe not even out of the state, having flown to unknown reaches of the earth and never to be seen again... Perhaps simply empty, a shell of a human being who had stopped caring and just decided he was tired of fighting the role this town had carved out for him all those years ago, perhaps even before he was born...

And Doug couldn't do it longer-he didn't *want* to do it any longer. He wasn't cut out for this job, gluing the pieces back together and knitting up stretched seams of self-esteem. This wasn't his mess. The world broke Pacey, so why was it Doug who had to fix him?

Yet when he saw those eyes, dull with bitterness and battered pride, he couldn't tune him out. And Pacey's buisness became *his* buisness. Because he *knew* that look-he'd seen it looking back at him in the mirror for way too many years to ignore it.

Which is why, instead of sitting down to a nice breakfest of toast and eggs while watching the morning news, Doug was talking with his brother.

"You've been busy lately. I hardly see you anymore-not that I'm complaining." He snickered good-naturedly, but was slightly disturbed to see honest surprise on Pacey's face. He hadn't been aware that his brother kept track of his presence.

"Do you run into Joey often?"

Pacey flinched in preparation for the stinging pain of betrayal in his gut...but nothing came and he relaxed. "Nope, it's not that hard to avoid the `happy couple'. I know all of their hangouts..."

"I told you how it was going to go down, didn't I? I was right." In another tone of voice, at another time, from another person, those statements would have been arrogant and bordering on cruelty. But instead they came across as straightforward and almost caring.

"Yeah. You were right. But you know... I'm kinda glad. It never would have ended-the Dawson and Joey Soulmate Parade. Now it's like...starting over."

"Hmm... Starting over huh?" Doug leaned forward in his seat with deliberate casualness, but it wasn't fooling his younger brother one bit. He had seen the signs before-his brother was preparing for a predatory swoop.

"Starting over with Jack..?" Smiling in satisfaction, he let the question hang in the air.

"What?! I...?!" Pacey was genuinely rattled. Jack was his friend. And Pacey liked girls-and women also as the occasion warranted. //Ever heard of bisexuality? No!! Shut up! Shut up!// Sure, he felt very comfortable around the other boy. And sometimes that smile sent little tingles down his arms... But Doug was implying... //It doesn't sound nice? "Starting over" with Jack... being able to capture those fingers in yours whenever you want... having them paint pictures down your spine? Ok, so I haven't thought about it before...well...not really. But I've just been doing what felt good, what felt right...going on instinct... And it *worked*.// He could just continue to roll with it, run with it. Why not?

"Yeah. Maybe." Pacey was shocked at how calm his voice was, like they were chatting about the weather instead of the sexual implications of his closest friendship.

"Good." Doug relaxed against his chair, now satisified that his little brother was aware of what he was getting into and not wanting to completely invade the kid's privacy. "Just checking in. Doing my brotherly duty..."

"Umm...thanks. I'll just get ready to leave then. Catch you later..." Pacey practically sprinted from the room before he could blurt out anything stupid.

Sometimes the entire universe is against me, Pacey decided. //Hell, sometimes I think even *I* am against me//

The sidewalk was overflowing with pedestrians, blocking his progress at every turn. The sun beat down hard, heating his cells almost from the inside. A dog barked loudly, causing him to jump in alarm then cringe with the wash of humiliation that gets buried deep down inside-ready to resurface later at the next scheduled "pity party". //Just three more blocks to go. I can make it.// An idiot on a bicycle sped past, missing his foot by an inch. Gum ambushed the bottom of his left shoe. And then, finally, the diner. Quaint, touristy, but not "Leery's Fresh Fish"-a definite bonus. //What kind of name is that anyways? "Leery's Fresh Fish"...sounds like a cannery. Couldn't they have come up with a name that possessed at least a minute amount of dignity?//

Pressing both hands against a brightly painted door, Pacey slipped inside and spotted Jack almost immediately, feeling all of the stress melt away and his body relax. Jack sat in one of the booths, staring at his hands as they skimmed the surface of a glossy wood table. The fingers spread themselves out, investigating irregularities and gauging the texture. Watching the silent play before him, Pacey felt a fluttering in his stomach. It stretched across his insides and tied them in knots. And it was beautiful-it was butterflies.

A fleeting memory--coffee, rare words with his brother that night in jail: "...Somewhere along the line you just lose the butterflies. So question is, little brother, what are you going to do about it?...Look Pacey, uhhh, in my experience you don't come across that many people with the ability to give you butterflies. You just don't." Perhaps the dork had a point-even if he *did* have a alphabetized diva collection...

"Hey."

Jack looked up, startled, and burst into a wide smile. "I missed you."

The words sent a tingle of heat into Pacey's belly and he gave a grin of his own as he took a seat. "There was an equal quanity of missing on my side as well-you tend to rub off on a guy."

A rehearsed speech from the waitress abruptly broke the fragile mood. Eyes returned to the surroundings and expressions turned serious in contemplation of the menus. But a warm hand brushed against Pacey's and settled lightly over it, once again kicking the butterflies into full gear.

//Yeah, this was ok. It was good enough for now...//

~As Love Comes Tumbling Down~

~Every step I take,

Every sound I hear

Each day I wake

My world is ours,

I feel your touch

Your world is mine~

-Human Drama

//Oh my god.// Jack's thought process came to a screeching halt. Panic gripped him as a single fact, clear and undeniable, centered itself at the

very core of his being. //I'm in love with Pacey Witter! What in the... When in the hell did I fall in love with Pacey?!//

Jack poured over the past couple of years, sifting through momentary encounters in his mind. Joy, amusement, pity, anger, empathy, fear...these had all been related to Pacey in one way or another. But love? Stepping back in the most objective manner possible, Jack saw that the day he had kissed Ethan was the turning point. Things had evolved after that, worn a different hue. Yet...he didn't believe that he had loved Pacey then-not in the consuming, heart racing, sweaty palms, I've-gotta-eat-you-alive-or-die way that he did now. So when? When in the following 6 weeks had he fallen madly in love with his best friend?

Because he had-fallen in love that is. Love--people throw that word around like chewing gun or lip gloss. I *love* that shirt. I *love* Tom Hanks, don't you? I *love* that song. Did you see that? Brittany Jackson just looked at me! I am *so* in love with her. In fact, Jack himself had once written in his diary that he was in love with Ethan. But that was all meaningless, hollow...

This was...more than words. It was a dizzy buzzing in his head whenever he was in touching distance, it was an overwhelming fascination-he could study Pacey for hours, and it was the unclassifiable unexplainable "thing" that settled into Jack's chest at the simple thought of the other boy.

And then , of course, there was today...

"Damnit!" Jack rolled over and pulled the covers above his head. The ringing was successfully muffled, and he breathed a sigh of relief. Insomnia had held him in its grasp all night long, and had only relinquished it's prize 2 hours ago. Jack was sick with exhaustion-but that hellish phone wouldn't stop ringing.

The air under the comforter began to feel thick and hot, and paranoia began to set in. //I can't breathe as well anymore... What if I fall asleep and the air runs out? Oh shit! I'm going to suffocate!//

Adrenaline rushed through his body. Jack sat up in bed so fast that his head pounded. He took deep gulps of air, only to be greeted again by the persistent call of the telephone.

"Jeez! What time is it?" A quick glance at the clock further inflamed the young man. "7 in the morning!" Jack made a grab for the phone, missed, and gave it a second try.

"This better be good..." he growled into the receiver.

"What crawled up *your* butt and died?" A disgustingly cheerful voice sang from the ear piece.

Jack groaned, yet the anger seemed to have mysteriously vanished. "Your momma."

Pacey chuckled. Yep, Jack was tired all right. With a comeback like that... Pacey calculated that Jack had gotten about 2 hours of sleep. Ouch. "Get your lazy butt out of bed. We have a vital mission to undertake."

"We huh? And why wasn^Òt *I* aware of this sacred duty then?" Suspicious of Pacey's lively tone, Jack had a feeling that he wouldn't get any more out of him over the phone.

"If I told you, I'd have to kill you."

//I knew it.// "So when do I have to be equipped and ready for the Pacey mobile?"

"I'll be there in 10 minutes."

"What!" But Jack was already talking to a dial tone.

"You know, I don't think that I've ever seen you without gel in your hair before..." Pacey smirked at the bedraggled figure approaching his car.

"Shut up."

Birds were chirping, the sun was shining, and Jack was *not amused*. He ran his hand through his hair and sighed. //I didn't even have time to brush it. I hope wherever we're going is pretty private.// He stole a look at himself in Pacey's side-view mirror. //Make that a ghost town...//

"Alright, enough stalling. Get your ass in here." Pacey pushed open the passenger door and gestured impatiently to the other boy.

Jack turned and gave one last lingering look at his quiet house, with its soft warm bed. He could almost smell the pancakes his sister made on Saturday mornings...

"Here, I'll help you with your backpack."

A warm body brushed against his, and Jack lost all interest in the house the bed, and the breakfast. A tingling now firmly settled in his skin, Jack turned to give Pacey a shy smile.

"Thanks."

After a bit of rearranging, Jack was settled in nicely and the car pulled away from the curb. Pacey leaned back in his seat and relaxed, letting the full weight of his body rest against the seat.

"Hey Jack..."

"Yeah?"

"Aren't those the clothes you wore yesterday?"

"Shut up."

The truck sped down the highway at a reasonable speed-no sense of urgency yet purposeful nonetheless. The road was mainly deserted at that early hour, only the occasional car could be seen whizzing past. Jack stared out the window in silence as he tried to collect his thoughts. His brain was still waking up and everything seemed fuzzy.

"What are we doing again?"

"I haven't told you yet."

"So *tell* me!" Jack let out an exasperated groan.

"We're buying my brother a birthday present. There's this out of print 'Women in Music' compilation that I've heard Dougie bitching about on the phone. So I did a little research and found it at a used music store..."

Pacey smiled proudly, clearly impressed with his detective work. But Jack had an uncomfortable sensation creeping over him. He couldn't quite pin it down...

"Where *is* this used music store?"

"Ummm... an hour away..." Pacey met his eyes sheepishly.

Jack took a calming breath. "And why did we have to leave at 7am?"

Pacey could no longer look him in the face. "Because Doug's party is this afternoon.."

"Damnit Pacey! Have you ever heard of planning ahead?"

"Umm.. no?" Pacey gave him what he hoped was a charming and irresistible grin.

Jack shook his head and covered his face with his hands. "I am *so* tired."

"Cheer up Jackers, it could be fun." Trying to coax out a Pacey-smile the other boy took Jack's hand and placed it under his on the stick shift, thumb rubbing over it twice in soft, confident strokes. Threading his fingers through Jack's, Pacey continued to hold his hand as he shifted gears. Pleased and a little shocked at the show of affection, Jack settled into his seat for the long ride and began a lively conversation. The day seemed to be looking up...

"Jack!" Pacey's shout cut the other boy off mid-sentence. Jack was stunned to see Pacey swerving off to the side of the road and stopping the car.

"What's wrong?"

"How long have we been on the road?"

"I haven't been paying attention. Why?"

"Because I was wondering how far we'll have to walk to reach the nearest town..."

"What?! Very funny Pacey."

Pacey turned and met Jack's eyes with a serious expression. "We're out of gas."

"No! No! This isn't happening." Jack rested his head in his hands and concentrated all of his willpower on not screaming. "I know! I'm still dreaming-I never even woke up this morning. This day has been *too* insane to be real. I knew it!"

Pacey reached over and pinched his shoulder as hard as possible.

"Ow!!" Jack fixed him with an indignant look, wondering how it was that *he* was getting attacked while *Pacey* was the one who had yanked him out of bed at an ungodly hour, dragged him on an impromptu road-trip, and got them stranded out in the middle of nowhere.

"Had to prove that you weren't dreaming.." Pacey gave a disarming grin and shrugged. "Now get your butt out of this car. We have get started if we want to make it back to Capeside in time for the party."

"Pacey...sometimes..."

"Yes...?"

"Nevermind."

Jack slammed the car door viciously and began striding toward along the highway, kicking rocks as he went. He concentrated on the ground, giving the appearance that he didn't care whether Pacey followed or not while carefully guarding the other boy's movements in the corner of his eye. Pleased to note that Pacey was matching him stride for stride, Jack allowed himself a small private grin.

So here he was... Dirty, tired, and hungry. Walking down a dusty roadside to an unknown destination while his shoulder still ached from a sadistic pinch.

And he was sublimely happy.

A soft arm was twisted around his, while their fingers were trapped in a firm grip. He could feel the heat radiating off this nearby body, burning him deliciously. And, whenever he wanted to, he could brush dirt off the boy's cheek or forehead with intimate ease. His touch was welcomed, leaned into even...

There was no doubt about it. No hesitation. Only love could make a day this horrible become so beautiful.

Jack was in love with Pacey Witter. He didn't know when it had happened... But it felt great.

~For The First Time~

~For the first time in my life it isn't easy

All is right, all is wrong

I will love you anyway you want

Or all the ways if you choose

There is room for your fire here

I can feel the way it burns

-Human Drama

"My guilty secret..."

"What?" Jack forked over sixteen dollars to the vender and pocketed the tickets. As they left the window, the line that stretched out behind them finally advanced, full of grumbling moviegoers.

"I was saying that this used to be my guilty secret." Pacey passed through the entrance and waited impatiently as Jack handed the attendant their tickets. He was practically bouncing from foot to foot, worried that all of the good seats would be taken.

"Going to the movies is a guilty secret?" Jack turned to give his friend a look heavy with confusion.

"No you dork!" Pacey shook his head in affectionate amusement and grabbed Jack's arm, forcing him to speed up his pace. "Cheesy action movies! Where the acting is as bad as the special effects are over the top... With Spielberg Jr. for a best friend I couldn't really advertise paying hard earned cash to see crap." Pacey grinned and shrugged. "But crap can be fun. So I'd go alone sometimes. It's cool to have someone to see this stuff with..."

"Hey, what can I say? Me and cool, we go hand in hand." Spying the correct theatre on their right, Jack slapped an arm around Pacey's shoulder and yanked him inside just as the previews began.

"Stupid game...", Pacey muttered to himself. "I was so sure that he was going to pick paper. Piece of shit kid's game..."

The snack booth was lit up with red and white lights, casting an obscene glow over the three lines of equally grumpy customers. Pacey stood in the middle of his row, hands crossed over his chest and ticking down the seconds in his head. //The movie's gonna start in 5 minutes. Move people! How long does it take to order popcorn and a drink?//

How could the noise be so deafening while his world was shrouded in silence? On a Friday night *all* of Capeside who yearned for a flick predictably flocked to this movie theatre. Small children screeched at each other, the struggle for dominance already raging strong. Above their heads, mothers gossiped loudly in order to be heard over the din. Young lovebirds cuddled and bestowed promises that would never be kept. The sounds overlapped andtumbled over each other, encircling and blanketing Pacey. And yet, he was detached-left alone with his thoughts. Questions he had been running from, surrounding himself with technological and human distractions, came creeping to the forefront.

//What am I doing? I'm getting in way over my head, aren't I?// His mind explored the past several weeks-and Jack's prevalent role in them. //We're friends. Friends. Yep, friends who hold hands and cuddle. Friends. That's why I sometimes feel like leaning over and licking his cheek, his shoulder, his neck...to see what he tastes like. Oh yeah, that's not in the least bit gay.// He snorted at himself.

//But I'm *not* gay. I've had sex with females and enjoyed it.// Pacey shook his head in frustration, earning a few strange glances from nearby moviegoers. //Alright, me. You've been putting this off *forever*. 'I'll deal with it later, let's just go with the flow, blah, blah, blah.' Well god damn you psyche! I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore!// Pacey snickered to himself silently. //OK// He took a deep breath and prepared for mental warfare.

He wasn't gay. That could be quickly established. But he did have...feelings for Jack. Dawson had never given him warm gooeyness when he patted Pacey on the back. This was something different. Yet it was also something nice-Pacey *liked* the sensations that Jack's company had begun to provoke in him. But how much--that was the question of the hour...

//Let's be realistic here. If I don't back out now-and I mean *this instant*-then I could be passing the 'point of no return'. Do I want a *relationship* with another guy? With Jack? Is this worth completely restructuring my world view and the way I define myself?// Part of Pacey was panicked by the very idea-by the fact that he was even considering it. But the rest of Pacey...well, he simply couldn't picture a life without Jack anymore. And not just a friendship with him either. Pacey wanted it all-despite the fact that he didn't quite know what "it all" would entail.

//So let me get this straight.. Straight! Ha! Ha!.. Oh god, now I'm telling dumb jokes *in my head*--which reminds me that I've been standing here having a full on conversation with myself. Isn't that the first sign of insanity? Great. Just great. Now I'm not only.. um... bisexual or whatever...but I'm insane too! Wonderful! So...I want Jack to be my boyfriend. Assuming that he *wants* to be my boyfriend. Shit. Something I didn't really figure into this pathetic excuse for an equation. Just because Jack's gay doesn't mean that he necessarily wants me. But all of that extra physical stuff... I thought that we'd already decided-stop saying "we", it makes you sound even more nuts-*I* thought that I'd already decided that things had gone way beyond friendship. Don't add paranoid to your/our/my ever growing list of neuroses?. He wants me. So how do I tell him? *Do* I tell him?//

"Would you like to order?" A pimply faced teenager with an ugly black bow-tie broke Pacey's train of thought.

"Um, yeah. Let me have..."

"I'm sorry Pace, you missed the first five minutes." The guilt painted across Jack's face was evident even in the darkness of the theatre.

"No problem. When a man needs Milk Duds and popcorn, he *needs* Milk Duds and popcorn". Pacey sent the other boy a bright smile to reassure him, still shivering from the feel of Jack's warm breath whispering in his ear. "Besides, these movies don't have a plot to miss. That's half the fun..."

The streets were deserted as they walked home, with only a few street-lamps to cast a visible glow upon the sidewalk. A light breeze blew through the town, causing the boys to clutch their jackets tighter and pull together for warmth. Pacey was glad that they had decided not to take the car tonight. Their evenings always seemed to end too early and he dreaded going home-not that living with Doug was so horrible, because it wasn't. But it felt so good just being with Jack that Pacey hated to leave. It was moments like this that he savored-the two of them all alone, not afraid to touch each other but never commenting on it, pointless rambling conversation that easily passed the time. If Jen was wrong, and there *was* such thing as heaven, it was right here. This was it.

"Kid Rock and Eminem...who would win in a fight?"

"Ah man, that's a tough one.. Umm.. Eminem because he hangs out with all of the hardcore rappers. I bet they've taught him how to kick some serious ass! And they'd back him up in a fight too."

"Yeah, but Kid Rock's all cool and angry white trash. I bet he spent years fighting in bars and stuff..."

"Hmm..alright. Tie."

"How about Neo from The Matrix vs. Superman?"

"Neo at the beginning of the movie or at the end of the movie?"

"At the end."

"Neo. Totally. He can control the whole world and stop bullets with a thought. He'd whip Superman's butt."

"But Superman can dodge bullets and fly too. Plus he has that special vision."

"Ahhh.. But Superman is still plugged into the Matrix so he's confined by limitations. Plus, he has a weakness-kryptonite."

"Yeah. You're right." Jack sent out a shining Pacey-smile, but then scowled when he realized that they had reached Doug's apartment.

Pacey approached the door nervously, not sure what he wanted to say but positive that he needed to say *something* more than goodbye that night... //Shit!//

"Jack... the door's locked."

Jack paused in his own inner musings and stared at the other boy. "Don't you have a key?"

"Well, Doug said he'd be home all night and I didn't feel like trying to cram my wallet *and* the keyring into my back pocket." The other boy gave Pacey a look of disbelief. "Ok. I'm an idiot. But what are we going to do?"

Jack walked around to the window and rattled it, checking to see if anything would budge.

"Don't wake my brother up!", Pacey hissed. "He'll kill me!"

"Then at least you'd be inside!" Jack threw his hands up in frustration.

"Nah, he'd probably leave my body down on the sidewalk..." They both chuckled and relaxed, leaning against the door. A minute or two passed in comfortable silence before Jack made a decision.

"You could spend the night with me..."

"You mean stay at your house tonight?"

"Yeah." Jack blushed and ducked his head.

"Sure, that would be cool." Pacey smiled and deliberately slipped his hand into Jacks, pulling him away from the door. A quiet air seemed to have settled over the boys and little conversation brewed on the rest of the walk. Both were concentrating on their linked hands and every brush of their shoulders. And Pacey had a feeling that his life had become officially more complicated.

"I don't suppose that you have an extra toothbrush..?"

"Actually..." Jack reached into a drawer under the sink and pulled one out, still boxed up. At Pacey's questioning look he just shrugged. "Andie likes to be prepared."

"Yeah, if there was one thing I learned in the last couple years it was that your sister is the most anal person I'll *ever* meet."

The two boys laughed loudly while they finished brushing their teeth, as their memories filled with 'anal-Andie-moments'. Then Jack's face turned abruptly serious.

"Do you still love her?"

"What?" Pacey was surprised to say the least. "Andie was good for me-she helped me see myself in a different light. And I cared for her alot at one time. But it wasn't 'true love' or anything. Just two kids that needed each other. And then she slept with someone else... Me and Andie are over. Way over. Hell, we've been broken up for about a year. I even moved on to Joey. Granted, that was more of an infatuation with the *idea* of Joey... But still..."

Summoning up courage that he didn't even know he had, Jack took a step closer and brushed his thumb over Pacey's cheek. Pacey's breath caught in his throat and he stared transfixed into the other boy's eyes.

"So is this an infatuation with the idea of Jack..?" Jack nearly had a heart attack when he realized what exactly had come out of his mouth. He held his breath as he awaited the answer.

Pacey's thoughts flew into overdrive as his earlier conversation with himself replayed in his mind. //Ok me. This is just like those annoying Nike commercials. Just do it.//

"I don't really know what this is. But I don't think that it's an infatuation."

Before he could second guess himself, Pacey placed a hand in the small of Jack's back and brought him tightly against his body. He licked his lips and cautiously pressed them against Jack's, forcing himself to let loose some of his inhibitions.

//This is nothing like kissing Joey.// Every nerve ending in Pacy's body centered in on their joined lips. //That was hormones. This is real.// Jack was so warm, so soft. It was the strangest sensation-he was sinking, grounding himself in the other boy, but at the same time he was soaring. Lips parted under his pressure and Pacey's skin seemed to come alive, tingling along his body as their tongues met. It was all so syrupy sweet and the inside of Jack's mouth felt like silk. Soon he was out of breath, his head swimming, but Pacey couldn't stop. It felt too good to let go...

Finally Jack pulled gently away and the two boys stared at each other in shock, panting and dizzy.

"It's late... I guess we should...get to bed." Pacey looked away awkwardly, unsure of how he was expected to behave.

"Yeah..." Jack sensed the other boy's uncertainty and reached over to slide his hand down Pacey's arm in a comforting gesture. He was rewarded

with a shy smile.

They climbed into bed and settled in, shifting positions until a compromise could be reached. Pacey lay on his back, his legs sprawled across the bed. Jack lay curled up on his side, an arm and a leg thrown over the other boy for warmth and security.

"Jack..."

"UmmHmm?"

"Does this mean... Are we...going out?"

Jack's heart nearly skipped a beat and he froze. Then a liquid warmth filled his chest and every muscle in his body let go, leaving him a pool of *very* happy jelly.

"I'd like that."

Pacey craned his head downward and to the side, kissing the top of Jack's head. The two settled quietly against each other, drifting into the deepest sleep that they had ever had.

"What are you making?" Jack stumbled into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes to ward away the sleep still clinging. He'd felt like a walking corpse when he pulled himself out of bed that morning. But now... The sight of a wide awake and cheerful Pacey did wonders to jog his worn out system. He couldn't help but smile.

"Scrambled eggs and bacon. Come here, it'll put hair on your chest!" Pacey gestured grandly to his cooking masterpiece on the stove.

Jack gave it a tentative sniff and felt his mouth water.

"Smells good. You're perfect." He wound his arms around Pacey's waist and savored the new feelings coursing through his body. "Excellent taste in movies, great cook, *amazing* kisser..."

Their lips met lightly but then picked up speed. Intoxicated by the feel of the other boy's skin, Jack ran his hands under Pacey's shirt, exploring the smooth texture of his back.

Then the sound of glass shattering.

"Pacey...", a soft voice whimpered, and both boys spun around to face Andie standing over a broken cup and shaking in shock.

"Jack...what are you doing to Pacey? He's not gay." She took a deep breath, trying to keep herself from screaming. "You know how I still feel about him. Now Joey's with Dawson...so...so... JUST EXPLAIN THIS TO ME!!!!!"

A hush fell over the kitchen as the boys stood still as stone-unable to offer comfort, refusing to deny anything.

~Confusion in Your Eyes~

~I see confusion in your eyes

A heartless shell exposed

Fragile are all lies

I hear a need in your voice

Twisting turning thoughts

That tie me up in knots

And hesitation in your wish

To find what has been lost

I know you will not look~

-Human Drama

Silence hung ominously over the kitchen, the air thick with tension. Jack and Pacey were no longer embracing but an intimate familiarity remained. Andie stood trembling in the doorway, mind spinning helplessly. She wasn't there-not really. She was back in the bathroom, running from her inner demons.

She shatters the mirror and faintly outside she can hear Jack and Pacey pleading... And Tim, his soft touches smoothing back her hair. The ground is cold, but she has to be *down*. And they're screaming outside, the boys are, and it's all so far away. But wait... no. They're right in front of her...and quiet. Silent and stiff, watching her with those eyes. //Am I crazy again?// Everything was so confusing...

"This isn't right! This isn't how it's supposed to be!" Andie's voice bordered on hysteria and it finally broke through to the two boys, shaking them to life.

"Andie..." Pacey left Jack's side and spoke soothingly to the girl, as if one would to a wounded animal. "What's going on? I thought that you were fine with Jack dating guys. You were encouraging him..." Honestly puzzled, he reached out a hand to stroke her shoulder. Andie jerked away from his touch as if it were a venomous snake.

"Don't." Her voice faltered and tears shimmered in widened eyes.

//I'm going to go to sleep. Go to sleep and wake up and everything will be normal again.//

Andie closed her eyes and concentrated on her breathing.

//This isn't Pacey. Pacey loves me; he needs me. Pacey doesn't kiss guys. Pacey didn't really want Joey, but we had to be even. Now he hurt me like I hurt him and we can be happy again. This is all going to go away. I can just explain it them, can't I? They have to *know* that they're doing it all wrong...//

"Andie?" Pacey was trying again, creeping closer with a concerned look on his face. "Are you ok?"

"Oh Pacey..." Andie launched herself into his arms, clinging tightly with her wrists hooked behind his neck. Burrowing her face into his neck, she breathed in the remnants of his cologne and sighed. //Pacey...//

"Hey Andie, what's going on?" Pacey let out a forced laugh and tried to gently detach himself.

"I missed you", Andie whispered, fingers sliding over his neck.

"Hey, wait a minute." Pacey tried to slip out of Andie's grasp, wondering when things had taken such a turn for the surreal.

"Look Pace... I'm just going to take a shower. Uh, catch you later."

Sickened at the sight of his sister in Pacey's arms, Jack fled to the safety of his room.

//I'm so *stupid*. I knew she still hoped that they'd patch things up. And no matter what has happened this summer, Pacey isn't gay. Maybe he was just confused and lonely...//

Reaching his bedroom, Jack quickly disrobed and climbed into the shower. Leaning back against the tiles, he let the stream wash over him. Jack closed his eyes and prayed that the water could cleanse the feel of Pacey from his body, blotting out the memory of warm lips and silky skin underneath his hands. God, if only Pacey didn't feel so *good*. Hot tears mixed with the pounding spray of water, traveling down the length of his body.

Downstairs, Pacey's mind was working at lightning speed. It raced against time, determined to take control of the situation and nullify it.

//First, get Andie sitting down...preferably across the table from me.//

"Why don't we sit down and talk this out. Everything's fine. Let's just sort stuff out..."

//Shit. I don't know if I can fix this. I couldn't fix her before, none of us could. She had to go...away... Jesus Christ!! Has she even been seeing anyone down here since she got out? Just because they said she could come home didn't mean Andie was done with counseling...And how come I never noticed all of these expectations? Come on Andie, be strong for me right now. I really need you to do this for me...//

"Ok." Andie answered him obediently, in a small voice. She took a seat in one of the kitchen chairs, positioning herself delicately on the edge.

//God, she's so fragile... so delicate underneath the bright chattering. I *do* care Andie, I always will. But we can't go back. I'm so sorry...//

Pacey felt a wave of self-loathing flow down his chest, eating into his heart like poison. A burn of anger quickly chased it down, dissolving and

re-directing the pain at the world.

//Why the hell does it have to be so *fucking* hard? I can never be just me here. Every thought, every action has to be discussed and approved with "the group". Sometimes what I want isn't logical-it *doesn't* make sense. It's just instinct, you know? Of course you know-you're me. That's it. They're driving me insane. It's official. Capeside stamp of approval.//

Mocking laughter left his mouth before he could stop himself, and Andie looked up with hurt in her eyes. Flushing red, Pacey cleared his throat.

"That wasn't directed toward you. I was just...uh...thinking about something kinda funny...in a sick way."

"I'm sorry about...grabbing onto you like that." Andie's voice was still a timid whisper, yet it was slowly regaining its bright tone. "I just missed you so much Pacey. I miss spending time with you, I miss holding you, I miss kissing you.. I guess I just miss being your girlfriend." Andie gave him an earnest smile from across the table, hope shining in her eyes.

"I know, why didn't I say anything before?" She began to bubble, clearly over her earlier shock. "But you were really distant for awhile so I thought I'd give you some space. And then with Joey...you were all caught up in that. But now she's back with Dawson and everything's the way it was. I wanted to try again, you know, follow their example. But you were never home when I called. And when you were over here you were always with Jack..."

A dark cloud crossed her face as she remembered exactly *how* the boys had been spending their time when she walked in that morning.

"What was Jack doing to you earlier? Was that a joke or something? Because he was being kinda rude. Jack knows that you're not gay-obviously! That's not very funny..." Annoyance graced the young woman's face, and Pacey was at a loss for words.

"Andie.." He started, and stopped abruptly.

"Andie... I don't think... You weren't really seeing what you thought you were seeing."

"Jack wasn't kissing you?" Andie wore a look of exasperation. //Jeez Pacey, and people accuse *me* of being in denial//

"Yes...no. You see...It's not like Jack was just kissing me. Me and Jack were kissing...together. As in a mutual boy-is-this-fun-let's-get-naked kind of way. Not that we *were* naked or even about to get naked. I don't think I'm ready for that yet--with Jack. 'Cause I know that I'm not a virgin or anything-which you're well aware of. But with Jack...Of course I was *thinking* about it-in the way that a person can want the idea of something without really knowing what that something would entail...And I'm rambling pretty bad here, huh? Guess I'm really nervous..."

//And I think most of that fell into the category of too much information. Great. Juuuust great.//

Pacey's heart was racing and he had a sickening tickling in his stomach. It was as if little gnomes were playing in his intestines, urged on by the uncontrollable blabbing of his lips. Everything was coming out all wrong. He was just blurting out whatever came to mind, and although in many cases that would be helpful-even admirable-in this case it could only amplify the damage.

//Ok. Take a deep breath. Remain calm and carefully structure your answers to pacify the troubled ex-girlfriend. And whatever you do, DO NOT talk about sex. Hey! No thinking about it either. That's it. I just *know* there's a higher power, because someone up there is definitely laughing at me...//

"So this isn't a joke? Or Jack being weird... You're gay now?" Andie felt all of the air being sucked out of her lungs and she gasped after it, praying that the man propelling this merry-go-round would slow it down and let her get off. Andie McPhee had everything under control now, all lined up straight. She didn't cry anymore. She didn't worry. That was the past-a time that had sunk beneath the waves of the glorious future. Pacey couldn't be gay. Pacey wasn't *allowed* to be gay. That wasn't in the plan. //Say no Pacey. Please. Just give me this one thing. Don't make me face it. It isn't fair. Don't take this away from me too. Please... We can pretend. We can all pretend and be happy. I promise.//

"Why do I have to be gay?" Pacey snapped at her bitterly, immediately regretting his harsh tone and smoothing it down a notch. "I like Jack. He makes me happy. I want to be with him. Those three simple facts shouldn't mean that I have to change my entire sexual orientation. Ok. So maybe they does mean that...in a way. But I'm still attracted to women...girls...whatever. I just like Jack more... Don't you ever watch "Undressed" on MTV? And don't give me that look--watching Undressed does *not* automatically make me gay!"

Andie let out a giggle, surprising herself. It felt...good. Free. Laughing for the sake of laughing, because something was funny whether she wanted it to be or not. Real. No images, no pressure, no fake happiness. Just a giggle-a giggle that said everything just might turn out alright after all. And she *did* love Pacey. It wasn't all dependence, not all of it. //Look at his eyes. They're so bright. Why couldn't I ever make his eyes that gorgeous?//

"So you and my brother... You're...dating?"

"Yeah. I guess we are."

The smile gracing Pacey's face to accompany those words twisted Andie's heart, just for an instant. It didn't snap, years of disappointment rendering it mercifully bendable, but the pain almost sank her to her knees. Just for an instant...and then it bounced back.

"I'm glad that you're happy. Or I will be...when I finish processing everything. I'm not going to do the "Dawson coping mechanism" and make a feud out of all this. Don't worry. You just have to give me time to adjust. I've gotta work things out in my head." She surprised Pacey and herself by smiling tenderly at him. Kissing his check softly, she got up from the chair and shot him one last parting look before giving herself the much needed space.

"See you around Pacey Witter..."

"See you around McPhee..."

Jack was lying silently on his bed, facing the wall, when he entered the room. The only audible noise was the soft sigh of the boy's breath, but Pacey doubted that he was slumbering.

//So beautiful...//

Sweat pants hugged the boy's slim thighs and hips, bunching up haphazardly down his legs. The pale skin of his back shone with scattered water droplets, sliding down his neck from still soaked hair. So still, like a statue. But soft, Pacey knew how soft that flesh was. How it yielded under his touch...

"So beautiful..."

Pacey was unaware that he had spoken aloud until a startled "Pacey? What?!" answered his unconscious whisper. Puzzled at the shock in Jack's voice, but too captivated at the moment to examine it, Pacey simply replied, "Shhhhhh..."

He crept soundlessly to the bed and placed a firm hand on Jack's shoulder, preventing him from turning around. "Shhhhhh..." Perching on one elbow, Pacey leaned down to lick the droplets of water from the other boy's back, tongue reaching out to caress and taste the still slippery skin. Jack shuttered as he felt the licks delving into his very soul, while Pacey's body shifted against Jack's with every downswoop of his head. One, two, three, four... He groaned helplessly, unable to form rational thought until Pacey has finished his task and settled against his back, arm draped tightly around Jack's waist. And then everything was warm and blurry, settling into a comfortable glow.

//Don't let this ever stop. Can we lay like this forever?//

"I sorted everything out with Andie", Pacey mumbled. "I'll tell you about it later. Feels too good to talk right now. You know?"

"I know."

~Wish I knew the way to reach the one I love

There is no way

Wish I had the charm to attract the one I love

But you see, I've got no charm~

-"Sea Sick, Yet Still Docked", Morrissey

~Interlude I: The Waiting Hour~ (Jack POV)

~I know your heart is breaking

Here in the waiting hour

And I know it can never heal

Here in the waiting hour

I know your heart is breaking

And I know how it feels the first time~

-Human Drama

Sometimes I just don't know.

Doubt's a funny thing. It starts small-worming it's way into your skull and fusing your insecurities together like a web...a web that catches all of the beauty and light and twists it into an unrecognizable mass of "unknown". It's there...digging into your thoughts, planting questions. Sometimes I wonder if doubt is consuming me, eating away at my insides until there's nothing left.

Because I feel so damned empty inside...

He's here, lying beside me in the dark. We were napping, basking in the glow of twilight aboard "True Love". And then time disappeared. Beautiful... curling into my arms, face tucked into my neck. Warm breath caresses my skin. But I feel so sick inside...

He was full of joy today. Smile nearly splitting his face, Pacey ran back and forth in excitement like a puppy unchained at long last. It should have been contagious, that easy grin, but my laughs were hollow and my chest hurt. It felt like little daggers scraping in an uneven rhythm, carving out a twisted song in my belly. The conversation spun dizzily in the air, bouncing from topic to topic with little thought. I let it rush over my head, interjecting opportune phrases to keep him satisfied. But I wasn't there you see, not really. I was trapped in doubts, frozen on the outside looking in.

He only kissed me once today, lips brushing across mine in a hurried hello. I gasped, reaching out to draw him in. But he was gone... Flitting off like a butterfly on the wind... untouchable... And doubt was ready, stealing out cautiously from its hiding place. It knew.

So beautiful. My lips brush against his hair, smelling cheap shampoo mixed with salty marine air. I breathe him in, savoring the moment. How many more will I have? Emotions well up, fighting to break free, but I push them back down. No more. Gotta take control.

Love's a funny thing. It can be so sweet, coating every word and action... Lifting you higher and higher...until you fall. Because you do, you know... Everyone does. Everyone except Jack McPhee. I can't stop love. I accept that. But I can control love, lock it deep inside with the rest of myself. I can hide. I'm used to it... Pretending...

Pacey doesn't love me. I can feel his soft body pressed against mine. I can brush hair tenderly back from his forehead. But he isn't mine. He'll *never* be mine. And I can't forget that. I can't *let* myself forget that.

He cares for me...he values my friendship above all else. But love's a funny thing, it never comes alone. Desire follows shortly, nipping at its heels. Desire... an intimate companion. It lives, it breathes inside of me. And I want him. I want him so bad.

But he only kissed me once today. And I feel cold inside... This isn't love. This isn't anything. And I keep seeing Andie in his arms, like she belongs there. Like I don't.

And doubt tells me to let go. Doubt tells me to push him away. And doubt wets my pillow at night as I toss and turn.

How much longer? How much time until he realizes what I already know? That he can't do this... the "this" that's going nowhere. And maybe I'm doing it. Maybe I'm distant. Maybe I'm silent. But I can't be the one to put myself out there. He knows that, doesn't he? I can't be the one because I *know* what I want. And I don't think he does... I think deep down he's just running from life. He's hiding behind me, this.

Because we've been together a month. And he's lying here sleeping beside me. And this is the closest we've gotten. And he's never said those three little words.

And sometimes I just don't know. I don't know if I'll ever feel his naked body pressed against mine. I don't know if I'll ever see his head thrown back in ecstasy. And maybe that shouldn't bother me... but it does. Because it makes me wonder...not knowing... I makes me wonder if I'll ever, for one clear crisp moment, know that he loves me with all of his soul. With no doubt. No pain. No Dawson, or Joey, or Andie. Just happiness. Just us.

And sometimes... doubt is *all* I know.

And I'm lying here, waiting... Waiting for nothing, for everything, for him. Waiting for a miracle. And I pull him closer, stealing his warmth. In his sleep he reaches out for me, whispering my name. And I wonder... I wonder what I *really* know after all...

~Interlude II: The World Inside~ (Pacey POV)

I see myself, I disappear~

-Human Drama

Sometimes I stop for an instant. I pause in the jokes, the laughs, the confident swagger... and I scare the shit out of myself. The myself that I don't really know anymore... the myself that's one big mask, one huge parade. The myself that just wants to let go for an instant. That wants not to be.

Because it's tiring, this all-too-familiar game, and it's confusing my soul. I'd almost forgotten how to play-those 2 months with Jack when everything was real. But now I'm back... I'm lost... I'm a stranger. So many faces... I lose myself. It's easy.

But I can't stop. I can't slow down. I'm trapped on a speeding merry-go-round of brilliant color and lights.

I have to stay, or I'm afraid that I'll lose him for sure...

He's here, but he's not. By my side... watching me play my part like a professional, whirling in circles. Not so fast damnit. Not so fast, I'm getting dizzy. Not so *fucking far*.

And I'm scared to touch him... protected in this bubble, this barbwire neon fence flashing "no". I don't even say his name anymore, only in my sleep. Only in unconsciousness. Because I'm afraid he'll spook, like a wild stallion. I'm so scared that he'll run.

It's beautiful outside again, and the skin is bouncing of Jack's skin to create a sort of glow. The breeze is hot and smooth, like heated silk running over my body. I want to share that thought with him, open my mouth and let it all just tumble out. I want to find that simple release in him, the freedom I once had...

But he's cold now. His body is here, but... But I just don't know, okay? Is that all fucking right with you?!? Am I allowed not to have all the answers? Can't I be confused too? I hate this. I hate having to be the strong one, the happy one. I want to pull away. I want to shut down.

But I can't.

I have to pretend. I have to walk the fine line, holding the pieces together with smiles, and teasing, and fun... but never love-no never- because if "we" spook him, if being this close spooks him... letting him know it's love too will chase him finally out the door.

~Picking Up The Pieces~

"I'll be right over."

Jack grabbed the nearest shirt, thrown carelessly over the back of his chair. Cautiously lifting the fabric up to his nose for examination, Jack sniffed and grunted in satisfaction-it would do. He yanked it over his head in one swift movement and stooped to re-lace his left shoe. Pounding from Andie's room, the cheerful yet deafening pop music made Jack wince.

//Is it possible to have a hangover without drinking a drop of alcohol?//

Walking quickly past his sister's door, Jack held his breath with a silent prayer.

//Just a couple more seconds...a couple more seconds and I'll be outta here...//

"Jack?"

//Damn.//

"Yes..?"

"You know school is starting soon, right?"

Jack sighed impatiently. "I was aware of that, yes... in a couple of weeks. Do you want me to go with you to buy school supplies or something?"

"No...I..." Andie stammered and blushed, one hand twisting at her shirt.

"Jeez, I don't have all day!" Jack winced at the volume and tone of his reply, guilt immediately swamping him. "I'm sorry Andie. You don't deserve to be yelled at. I've just been feeling crappy lately and it's not hard to get on my last nerve. Okay, what did you need?"

"Well...I thought I'd let you know that I'm going to ask Pacey to the..uh.. whatever-its name-is first dance of the year. So... don't get all angry and surprised or anything. Not that I'm saying you would... But I thought you should know beforehand. Since you've got this weird thing for him..."

Jack's mind had hit a brick wall-that was it. It had been whirring along steadily, just happy as you please, and then some jerk had dropped a huge wall in front of it before he could skid to a stop. And damn, that shit hurts.

"Andie...it's not some "weird thing"..."

//It's not, really? Yeah, just keep telling yourself that McPhee. Pacey's your real boyfriend. He's in love with you. He wants you, not your sister or any of the other girls who will be flirting with him when you guys get back to school. He can't keep his hand off you. Yep. That's right. God, when did I turn into such a loser?//

"Whatever." Andie dismissed her brother's dark expression with a bright smile and bounced back towards her room. "I'll see you tonight at dinner. And you'd better be there!" She turned and wagged a finger at him teasingly. "Dad's going to be home for once and we should eat together like a real family."

//Mental note: stay out tonight until at least ten//

Escape once more a viable option, Jack dashed to the front door and slammed it hard behind him. Running sounded good right then... running sounded solid. Jack let his legs go, feeling them move swiftly under him as if with a life of their own. Strong muscles propelled him forward-down the empty street and past picturesque houses of beige, past white picket fences, past delicately trimmed trees. And Jack was there, right there in the instant, his whole being centered on the slaps of his shoes against hard ground.

He nearly passed Doug's apartment, so intent he was on the feel of calves flexing and straining to make him fly. Jack skidded to a stop and, no, that wasn't a good idea at all. Cramping had set in instantly on his sides and his lungs burned. Sweat trickled down his back and Jack's face flushed as he realized how he must appear-jeans and shoes sprinkled with dirt, shirt sticking to his chest.

"Hey, I said to be here ASAP...but I didn't mean to kill yourself." Pacey's voice wavered between confusion and concern.

"No...I'm...fine." Jack gasped for air, hands on his knees.

Everything was fuzzy...a blur...no...Pacey...Pacey was in front of him. He struggled to stand up right and was startled to find himself wrapped in a strong hug. Arms tightened around his middle and then quickly released.

"Damn. I'm sorry. I just worry about you sometimes...and..."

"Wait, why are you sorry?"

"Well, I'm not blind you know..."

"Huh?" Jack felt as if he had just stumbled down a rabbit hole. And yet again he sensed the great divide between them. Words echoed across the chasm, bouncing and refracting, yet all meaning was lost. //Fuck//

Pacey sighed and reluctantly clarified himself. "You don't want me to touch you." The words were acid on his esophagus, and it took all of his strength to maintain a calm exterior. //Now he's going to walk away...leave. And there's nothing I can do about it. I shouldn't have said anything damnit! I should have kept my fucking mouth shut! But...shit, didn't it have to end sometime? We can't go on like this. We can't...//

But Jack *didn't* leave. He didn't budge. Jack simply stood there with his mouth hanging slightly open, frozen stiff. And a scream welled up inside of Pacey. A scream of frustration? Anger at Capeside? Anger at Jack? Anger at himself? Anger at the world? What did it matter? He was *angry*, furious, enraged, pulsing with energy. And when it came down to it, Pacey Witter didn't solve things with words. He solved things with fists.

Before he was consciously aware of his actions, Pacey had Jack's shoulders in his hands. He shook him once, twice, letting the anger snap out of his finger tips and nearly sighing with the release.

"That's not true."

It was so quiet, barely a whisper, but the adrenaline pumping through Pacey's veins had his senses wired. He heard...and now it was his turn to freeze.

"I...I love it when you touch me. But I don't want you to feel like you have to. I don't want it to be an obligation. I understand."

"You understand?" Pacey's voice was drowning in sarcasm. "Why do I get the feeling that understanding is the very *last* thing that's happening right now?"

Jack concentrated on schooling his reflexes, smoothing his face to an indifferent mask. He had to do this. Just come clean. Let it go...

"I know you don't...want to be with me...And it's ok, really. I've just made a big ass of myself once again. No big deal. Look, Andie made it pretty clear to me that you two were going to get back together. And...I want you to be happy."

"What?!? Get back with Andie? Umm...maybe I've been a bit confused about this, but didn't I re-evaluate my entire self-image by becoming your boyfriend? This happened, right? I'm not insane? Why in the world would I get involved with your sister when I'm dating you? 'Cause that's way too kinky for my tastes..."

"I have to agree that your boyfriend there is a few sandwiches short of a picnic..." Doug stood in the entrance of the apartment building, smirking with barely suppressed glee.

"Doug! How did...when...I'm...why are you...I'm really sorry-"

Doug cut his brother off with a wave of his hand. "I'm not blind. Or deaf for that matter. I heard you two yelling your heads off as I was locking the door."

The boys stared at him in silence, abject humiliation wiping away possibility of thought. He simply continued smirking and shook his head, glowing with self-satisfaction.

"Work it out quickly, will you? And keep it down? I doubt the neighbors will talk to us for a couple weeks as it is..." Giving them a good-natured smile to soften the words, Doug sauntered off in the direction of the liquor store.

"So you're not getting back together with Andie?"

Pacey gave him a glare that could melt iron.

"Noted." And Jack felt...well...lighter. A smile actually graced his lips-a real one. Not quite what Pacey was looking for, but close.

"Okay...let me throw out a wild guess here..." Memories had been floating around in Pacey's skull, bouncing off each other and interlocking. The pieces were coming together...and he *really* didn't like what he was seeing. //Of all the stupid...He's an idiot! Okay, I'm an idiot too...//

"You've been pushing me away because you thought I was dumping you?"

"Well, what was I supposed to think?" //Great, now I'm whining?//

"You are so-" Pacey cut himself off and simply slapped one hand over Jack's mouth, and the other onto Jack's arm so he could pull him towards the apartment in silence.

Once inside, Pacey slid his hands around Jack's waist and drew him into a gentle kiss. His lips brushed against Jack softly, barely touching. Just back and forth-once, twice, three times. Then he deepened it slowly, mouth opening as he pressed it against Jack's. And Pacey felt good, he felt real...he felt nice again.

After a few moments Pacey pulled away and laughed out loud, head thrown back in abandon. Jack winced and moved to flee, but the other boy quickly placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder and shook his head with a smile to show that the laugh contained no malice.

"I just...I can't believe that I waited so long to, you know, tell you those three little words. I had no problem telling Andie or Joey-just opened my mouth and let my feelings run out. But with you... I mean, I know that actions speak louder than words but everyone needs to hear it. I makes it kinda official." Pacey let a deep breath and then looked Jack straight in the eyes. "I love you. There, I said it. Can we stop acting like psychos now?"

Jack was stunned and speechless. And then the dam broke and happiness flooded him. Giddy, Jack pulled Pacey into a warm hug and squeezed the life out of him.

"Hey, aren't you gonna say it too?"

"Oh, yeah." Jack hesitated for a second, but decided to get it out before fear swamped his body...before he could wake up from this absolutely fabulous dream. "I love you Pacey."

"Good. Now get your ass over here!" Pacey jokingly shoved Jack towards his bedroom as the other boy seemed to slip into shock.

"I know, I know...I'm usually disgustingly romantic. But I think we need this right now."

"Need what?"

"You and me naked."

A comfortable, quiet silence. Not deafening-a slight humming quiet that blanketed the boys as they lay clinging together. Of course they had to move, couldn't lay there forever, but just for a little while...Couldn't they pretend?

The End