Title: Burn

Author/pseudonym: Caroline Crane

Fandom: Dead Man on Campus

Paring: Josh/Cooper

Rating: R for language and sexual themes

Status: complete

Archive: yes to list archives

Series/Sequel: Sequel to Crash, part 3/3

Burn

by Caroline Crane

Three.two.one more step and they're finally on their own floor, back in the dorm and on their way to the room that's felt more like home than his parents' house ever did and he knows it's because of Josh. Josh who's supposed to love him, or at the very least like him enough to want to stick
around and take care of him. Because they're friends - best friends, and don't those words mean anything to anybody anymore or is that something you're supposed to outgrow in high school? Wouldn't know because he's never had a best friend before, never had anybody that cared about him enough to take that last beer out of his hand and take him home and put him to bed. But now he's confusing friendship and sex, and maybe if they'd never slept together none of this would be happening but he can't make himself regret it.

Josh who announced just a few hours ago that he was Moving. Out. As in getting a new roommate, one that wouldn't hang around and annoy him into giving up on studying just so he could spend a little more time basking in Josh's undivided attention. And maybe he should have just told Josh a long time ago that that was what he was doing, but how do you say something like
that to somebody? He thinks he should be grateful that even though Josh has had enough of him that he stuck around to help Cooper home from the hospital, called a cab and handed over one of Flushels' credit cards and whispered directions to the driver in a hushed voice that still.still sends
a shiver down Cooper's spine even though he knows it's never going to whisper in his ear at night again.

He still has no idea why he agreed with Josh in the first place, why he opened his mouth like the fucking trained seal he is and said 'yeah, you should move out, Josh. Here, don't forget to pack up my heart and you might as well take my spine too because I won't be needing it anymore'. The only reason he can come up with is that if Josh doesn't want him anymore then he can't want Josh - shouldn't want him, shouldn't love him for Christ's sake because what has Josh ever really done for him? He showed up at the hospital, though, and he spent the whole night in the waiting room while Cooper's body fought off the last affects of whatever drug somebody must have slipped him. And that's what he gets for turning his back on his drink in a crowded room just to obsess over the best friend that doesn't love him back. He knows better, he's heard the stories and he's seen his friends freak out from some drug that somebody slipped into random bottles at a party just so they could sit back and watch the show.

That kind of stuff happens, yeah, but it doesn't happen to him because he's Cooper Frederickson, and he can handle himself in a crowd. Hell, he's the life of the goddamn party; everybody wants to be near him just for a little while, just long enough that maybe, just maybe some of him will rub off on them so the next day when they wake up back in their own lives it won't seem quite as mundane as it did the day before. Everyone except Josh, because the only thing Josh ever seems to want from him is to get him alone, away from the crowd and back to their room where they can just be themselves for awhile even if they're both still just drunk enough to not think too hard
about what they're doing.

Only he's not drunk now and his throat still hurts a little and he's not in the mood to deal with all the questions coming from the crowd of guys who stopped the hockey game they're playing in the hallway just to watch Josh grab him by the elbow and steer him into their room. And he can hear Josh's voice from somewhere far away, telling Zeke and the others that he's fine, he's okay and he just needs to get some more rest but he'll probably come by later and tell them all about it. He doesn't want to come by later and tell them anything, he doesn't want to see anybody but the one person who evidently can't get away from him fast enough and he doesn't know how to make Josh see that moving out is the worst idea he's ever had because they need each other.

Doesn't he see that? Because okay, yeah, maybe Cooper needs Josh more than Josh needs him but before Cooper crash-landed in Josh's life he wasn't even living and he's willing to bet anything that they both took their first breaths that first second when he walked into their room and said Josh's name for the first time. And maybe he made a mess of things at first and it took them awhile to realize how good they were together but they got there, eventually they got there and it was worth the whole first eighteen miserable years of his life. It was worth being The Party Guy, the one everyone went to for the best quality drugs and the most discreet place to have a party on the weekend. It was worth being the guy who never took the same person home twice, who knew everyone but couldn't really count any of them as a friend. Not really, not when it came down to counting on someone not to get bored or weirded out when he just didn't feel like being on that
night.

Until Josh. And it all comes down to the fact that he needs Josh too much, so maybe that's why when he opened his mouth to tell Josh that no, he couldn't move out and had he lost his fucking *mind* instead he just agreed that maybe it was the best idea for everybody. What he really wanted to say was that Josh should go get the doctor because Cooper was pretty sure he wasn't the only one that got a hallucinogen slipped into his drink and if Josh thought moving out was going to be good for their friendship then he needed to go back to Durkheim for more of that therapy. Only it was possible that Josh wasn't doing this for the good of their friendship at all, maybe this was just Josh Speak for 'I don't want to be friends anymore'. Like maybe Cooper was too much trouble, or maybe he didn't want to spend any more nights sitting in a waiting room wondering if his best friend was going to live through the night.

And the only reason he knows that Josh spent the night at the hospital is because he heard a couple of the nurses talking about them when they thought he was still asleep, talking about how Josh had sat out there all night and wasn't it sad and do you think there's something going on between them? He wanted to shout at them that yes, there was something going on, and didn't
anybody besides him fucking care that his whole life was falling apart? But Josh was busy trying to find out when he could take Cooper home, take him home so he could get down to the Important Business of running out on the only good thing Cooper had so he never heard the nurses talking and he never saw Cooper fight back tears at the thought of Josh really moving.

Maybe it would just be down the hall; maybe he wouldn't even leave the dorm but that doesn't make Cooper feel any better because if he has to see Josh all the time he might just lose it and blurt out the whole truth. Which couldn't make matters any worse now that he thinks of it, but first he has to find out why Josh is moving out, why he wants out of their friendship only he can't find the words to ask. Door closing behind them and he looks over at the bed he wants to be in as Josh pushes him down on his own, kneels in front of him to take off his shoes and Cooper can't help it, he reaches out and touches that soft, soft too soft hair that always smells like apples. And Josh is still kneeling there, taking off his fucking shoes like that's supposed to make up for the fact that he doesn't want Cooper anymore.

"Stop." And it's the only word he can make himself say, even though in his mind he hears 'stop messing around with my goddamn clothes and just look at me so you can see my face while you squeeze the rest of the blood out of my heart'. Because he's not gonna sit there and let Josh strip him, no matter how much his roommate thinks he's helping he's not gonna sit there and put up with being coddled when all Josh is doing is preparing the body for burial. And roommates is all they are as of that moment in the hospital three hours ago, he sees that now when Josh stands up and looks away and clears his throat and then turns back to Cooper but doesn't look at him, through him and around him maybe but he's not seeing anything when he mumbles something about getting some food and leaves again.

Then silence, so heavy he can barely breathe but he's not gonna cry, not gonna fucking cry even though Josh has seen him cry more than once already. It's one thing to cry in front of him, but crying *for* him is just Not Going To Happen. Not if he can help it, not if he has to take a whole
handful of the sleeping pills he knows he can get from Zeke just so he can sleep until Josh is done moving out. If he doesn't have to watch it happen he can just pretend Josh was never there, that he never existed and that means Cooper didn't really lose anything. Slowly - so he doesn't lose his
balance and knock himself out on the desk for Josh to find and scrape off the floor when he comes back from wherever he went - he finishes what Josh started, first his shirt and then his jeans hit the floor and somehow he makes it back to his own bed even though it's not where he wants to be. And he doesn't really feel that bad except for his scratchy throat and the heavy, dull weight pressing down on his chest and making it hard to breathe.

Doesn't remember falling asleep, doesn't remember what time they got back to the dorm even but when he opens his eyes again the room's starting to get dark. Feels someone in the room with him, knows without looking that it's Josh but that dull ache in his chest hasn't gone away and he knows somehow that when he opens his eyes it's just going to get worse. Opens them anyway, because he can't *not* look at Josh no matter how much he wishes that he wished they'd never met. When he does Josh is sitting on the end of his bed, knees on his elbows and he's watching, just watching Cooper breathe in and out like he's waiting for the second that Cooper stops breathing. Weird flash of Josh plotting his death, and he shakes it off and reminds himself that that's his style. Not that he ever really wanted to kill anybody, it was all just a game like everything else in his life until Josh. And then Josh pulled that stunt on the bridge and Cooper's never been so scared in his life until now, because then he thought Josh wanted to die but now he knows Josh wants to live, just not with him.

And either way it means he loses - loses the only thing he's ever actually wanted enough to not know how to hold onto it. If he could charm his way out of this he would, make a joke of it and get Josh laughing until he forgets what it was about Cooper that drives him so crazy in the first
place. Only he knows that won't work this time, and even if he wanted to try he's not sure he can look at Josh and make a joke out of his best friend walking out of his life.

"I brought you some dinner." Gesture toward Cooper's desk, and sure enough there's food there but even if he was hungry there's no way he'd be able to eat. Vague contemplation of why Josh is sitting in the dark until he remembers that he was sleeping and Josh was probably trying not to wake him up.

"Not hungry." That's all he says, all he's going to say and maybe Josh knows that because he sighs and looks down at the floor.

There are a lot of things he wants to say, like where are you going and when and maybe most important of all even though he's pretty sure he already knows the answer: why. He wants to ask what Josh wants from him, why he hung around so long and if it was really all that bad couldn't he have just said something in the first place? But wrapped up with all the questions are a hundred different vague memories of lips brushing across his skin and whispered words that he knows Josh doesn't even remember saying but he'll never forget any of them because it's the closest to the truth either of them ever got even if they were too stupid or too scared of screwing it up to really do anything about it.

And wrapped up in remembered whispers is a startling moment of clarity - the kind you only read about where it's like someone switched on a floodlight in a pitch black room, and he sees for the first time what he thinks he's been missing. And it's not just that Josh really does have some feelings for him, because if he didn't at least like Cooper he wouldn't have hung around as long as he has. No, this is more like realizing for the first time that the fact that there's no Santa Claus means that you can work on your parents all year long for what you really want, and the absence of any real live Tooth Fairy means you can negotiate a fair price for your molars. Feels like he's been handed a first class ticket to anywhere he wants to go but there are so many choices that he can't decide.

"Just for tonight, can we pretend we're still friends?" It's the first thing that comes out of his mouth - not what he intended to say, not at all, but somehow it has the desired affect anyway.

Wide, uncomprehending eyes and Cooper takes a moment to appreciate how good that looks on him before he forces his imagination back into submission. And he knows he probably looks angry or terrified or maybe even just sick but it doesn't matter.nothing matters except finding out for once and for all if he's been dead wrong all this time. He gets the standard answer to his question when Josh finally snaps out of his shock, something about them being friends no matter what and that isn't what this is about.

"So what's it about then?" There it is, the question he's been trying for hours to ask. Feels ridiculously pleased with himself for getting it out there even though he had to wait for Josh to give him a lead-in.

"Of course we're still friends, Cooper." He already said that but Cooper doesn't remind him because more than anything he's interested in seeing if Josh will babble his way through an explanation the same way he babbled his way through introducing himself to Rachel that first time. "When I said I thought I should move out..." Pause, dramatic sigh, and Cooper takes the
opportunity to push himself into a sitting position. Doesn't stand up, no matter how much he wants to he Does Not Get Up because if he does he knows what's going to happen. And even if he'd rather show Josh what he's thinking than tell him, he knows they've gotta get this out in the open sooner or later or he's never gonna sleep again. Probably fail out of all his classes and have to go home and then it won't matter anyway, so he might as well tell Josh the truth and see what happens. ".when I said that I meant that I can't watch you do this anymore. Maybe it's my own fault, but I can't stick around and watch it."

"Do what?" Genuinely confused, because he didn't do anything that he can think of besides turn his back at the wrong moment and end up with his stomach pumped full of charcoal. Not a pretty picture any way he looks at it, but Josh can't hold that against him, can he? "You're the one that
wanted to check out that club, Josh. I thought you wanted to go."

"That's not what I'm talking about. Whatever you took.you don't know what it was like to turn around and see you on the floor like that." Flash of real panic in his eyes, like he's reliving the moment and suddenly Cooper feels like the lowest bastard ever born even though he didn't take
whatever-it-was on purpose. Wants to get up, sink to his knees in front of Josh and beg him not to leave, not to move out and leave him alone. He stays where he is, though, shakes his head and takes a deep breath around the lump of hard fear in his throat.

"You think I took that stuff on purpose? I didn't.I wouldn't. I don't do those kind of drugs." Anymore. But what Josh doesn't know doesn't hurt him, and Cooper doesn't want to hurt him any more than he has to ever again. "I turned my back on my drink to watch you, Josh. That's what I get for being such a fucking pussy, I guess. I was staring and somebody must have slipped it in my drink."

Doesn't know why he admitted it, has no clue why he told Josh he was staring at him instead of just making up something about watching the dance floor or looking around for anyone they knew except that he gets the feeling from the way Josh is watching him that if he tells the truth for once in his life it might just get him what he wants. The thought that if this was a movie one of them would have moved by now occurs to him; he smiles at that and shakes his head because this isn't a movie, it's his life no matter how fucked-up it gets and they don't make movies about guys like him who go and fall in love with guys like Josh. It takes Josh forever to get around to answering, like he's trying to decide if Cooper's being straight with him or if he's just trying to keep himself out of trouble. And he can't really blame him for thinking that because most of the time it's true, but this time he's willing to risk going with the actual truth even if it means Josh gets up and walks out that door and never looks back.

"I thought." Quiet, quiet voice and he can hear the trembling, like Josh is way too cold all of a sudden but he knows that's not the problem because it's warm in their room and Josh's cheeks are flushed. ".thought you wanted something stronger than beer so you wouldn't have to think."

Well he didn't see that coming, and then he does move because he can't let Josh think that no matter what happens. Crosses the room in three long strides and then he is on his knees, forgets that he's the one that just got out of the hospital and that technically Josh is supposed to take care of him. "Josh, I didn't even need the beer." And it's all he has to say, all he can say really because Josh leans forward and there's that feeling, better than getting high, better than any drug ever invented because kissing Josh is like finally finding the secret of life. Murmur of muted words
against his lips and he knows that's the only way Josh can say it but it's okay, because he hears it anyway and pulls back enough to look in those eyes that tell him everything he needs to know. "I love you too."

And he knows that smile but it seems different now, brighter and awed maybe and he'll say it thirty times a day just to see Josh smile at him that way. "So we can forget this whole moving out thing?"

Josh looks tired as he nods and lets go of Cooper, and he remembers that Josh never did sleep the night before and he's spent his whole day worrying about nothing so he takes off Josh's shoes, tugs his shirt over his head and makes him stand up long enough to get him out of his jeans before he pulls them both back onto the mattress, under the covers to wrap his arms around familiar warmth. Soft press of lips to shoulder and he closes his eyes even though he's not really tired, because there's no way anything or anyone could drag him out of this bed until Josh has gotten some sleep.

"The doctor said you should try to eat. Something about keeping up your strength." Sleepy, thick voice and it makes Cooper smile because even when he's half-asleep he's still trying to take care of him.

"Still not hungry. Get some sleep, Josh. You need to keep up your strength too." He can feel the smile in the darkness even though he can't see it, feels the temperature of Josh's skin inch up a little against his palm. Deep, steady breaths getting more shallow and he makes a mental note to
break the news to Josh in the morning that he's never sleeping in his own bed again so he really hopes Josh meant it when he said he loved him. Knows he meant it, smiles at the knowledge and closes his eyes to listen to Josh breathe without that dull gnawing in his chest for the first time ever.