Title: Goodbye to a Stranger

Author/pseudonym: Caroline Crane

Fandom: Dead Man on Campus

Paring: Josh/Cooper

Rating: NC17

Status: complete

Archive: yes to list archives

Series/Sequel: Part one of six (barring any unforeseen complications)

Goodbye To A Stranger
By Caroline Crane

Even after all this time I still have these moments where I wonder what he sees in me. He could have left a long time ago, he doesn’t need me dragging him down with me whenever I get a wrapped up in partying or building the perfect bong or any of the other things I do just to get a rise out of my dad. Josh could have bailed on me that first semester – should have bailed – but he didn’t. Instead he climbed to the top of a bridge and pretended he was gonna jump to save both our asses. After everything I put him through, pretending I was only interested in protecting my own ass and trying to talk him into taking the fall for both of us. Maybe at the time I did only care about myself, it’s not like I can pretend I wasn’t a selfish bastard when we first moved in together.

Falling in love with him took me totally by surprise, and I know he never saw it coming. Everybody around us saw it before we did, though, so I guess that just makes it more real. It’s been a year and a half since we met, over a year since we finally admitted how we felt about each other. Even when he finally said it out loud the first time I didn’t want to believe him – I spent so many years avoiding people I could actually fall for that it scared the hell out of me to realize he’d managed to worm his way past all my defenses. The fact that he wasn’t even trying just made it more scary, so I tried to tell myself that he wasn’t really in love with me. He’d never been with anybody besides Rachel, after all, so I told myself he was just experimenting. That’s what college is for, right?

So we experimented, and then we experimented some more, and finally I had to admit to myself that he really wasn’t gonna change his mind and try to get Rachel back. Took me forever to believe him when he said he loved me, but he just kept telling me over and over and finally I had to believe him. I felt kind of bad about it afterwards because he always knew, even before I said it back he knew I loved him. I don’t know if that means I’m completely predictable or if he just knows me better than anybody else I’ve ever met, but either way he loves me and that’s all I care about.

That’s what I was thinking about when I pulled into a gas station outside Indianapolis to fill up one more time before I drove the last hour to his house. It was cold when I got out of the car, snow was starting to fall and I wondered again if I should have just flown. Then I’d have had to call him to come pick me up at the airport, though, and I wanted to surprise him. Well, to tell the truth I didn’t start out to surprise him so much as I knew he’d tell me not to come if I gave him any warning. He wouldn’t leave me stranded at the airport, but he had enough to worry about without having to pick me up. So I dusted off Flushels’ credit card and rented myself a car, and I loaded up on Mountain Dew and drove all night.

I was nervous when I crossed the Indiana state line, I don’t think I’ve ever been nervous about anything in my life until I met Josh but when I realized how close I actually was to his mom’s house my stomach was doing all kinds of things that defied gravity. Part of it was wanting to see him again, it had only been a few days but he wasn’t in the greatest shape when he left school. The rest of it was me wondering if he’d actually be happy to see me – after all I’d asked him if he wanted me to leave school and go home with him but he’d turned me down. He said they’d never let me out of my finals but I could kinda tell that he didn’t even want me to ask, and I gotta admit that hurt. I know if my dad died I’d want him there.

Come to think of it I don’t think he’d ever mentioned his dad before the day I came home and found him staring at the wall, his mouth half-open and looking like…well, like somebody had died. I feel bad now that I never asked him about his father, but I just figured he had two perfect parents that pushed him to study hard and made sure he never had any fun as long as he was living under their roof. Yeah, okay, so his mom was the only one that ever called our apartment looking for him, but neither of my parents ever called so I just figured that was the way it was with his family. Maybe I should have asked, I mean it’s not like I didn’t want to know. I just never thought about it.

I wasn’t even supposed to come home that afternoon, I was supposed to have a final but my professor decided to make it a take-home because he figured it was the only way most of us had a prayer of passing it. He was right, too, at least as far as I was concerned. I didn’t care about the final so much as I did about getting home, though, just so I could spend a few extra hours watching him study. It was one of my favorite things to do, lie in bed and pretend I was reading out of some book and watch him sitting at his desk reading psychology chapters or working on a paper. If I was really lucky he’d stretch out next to me on the bed and I’d get to watch him up close and personal, but we usually ended up not getting much studying done so that didn’t happen too often.

When I got home that day I knew something was wrong right away. I knew he was home because the front door was unlocked, but the apartment was way too quiet, I mean beyond even Josh-is-studying-leave-him-alone quiet. I dropped my stuff in the kitchen and started looking for him, I don’t know why I was so scared but there was something about the thickness of the air that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Finally I found him in the bedroom just sitting on the edge of our bed, staring at the wall in front of him with the phone still gripped in one hand. He looked up when I walked into the room, but I don’t know if he even saw me until I leaned over him and pulled the phone out of his hand.

"Josh?" I said, running my free hand through his hair just to get his attention. "What’s the matter, you fail a final or something?"

He shook his head like he was trying to snap himself out of it, then he looked over at me and I felt my heart stop. "No, nothing…my dad died."

Just like that, like it was nothing to worry about and he’d be alright in a minute. I mean I know I hate my dad and he doesn’t like me much either, but I think if he up and died I’d feel a little bad about being such a pain in his ass all these years. Maybe. "Oh, Jesus, Josh…" I said, mostly because I had no fucking clue what to say at a time like that. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah…yeah, I mean it’s not like I knew him." He stood up then and walked over to the closet, yanking one of his suitcases out and lifting it onto the bed next to me. "I’ve gotta go home for the funeral. I have to talk to all my professors about postponing my finals and I need to find out when the next bus to Indiana is."

For awhile I just sat there and watched him pack, I didn’t know if he was on automatic pilot or if it really didn’t matter to him that his father had died but he wasn’t saying anything. When he finally got his suitcase packed and reached for the phone again I realized I was being probably the worst friend I could be, let alone the person that was supposed to love him more than anything. "Josh," I said as he leaned over me to pick up the cordless I’d tossed on the bed, "what happened?"

"I told you," he answered, not even looking at me as he crossed to his desk and started digging through his class notes. "My father died. I didn’t know him, Cooper. I haven’t seen him since I was eight, it’s not like he was in my life. I just have to go home for the funeral." Finally he looked over at me and even though he didn’t say it out loud I could see in his eyes that he was begging me to let it go. It was huge, even if he didn’t know the guy it was huge but for the first time since I met him he was shutting me out. It wasn’t Josh and it scared the hell out of me, but I let him turn back to his class notes and call his professors because what else could I do?

I just sat there and watched him while he called each professor and explained what happened to each of them, his voice never wavering even once while he told them he had to go home for his dad’s funeral. They all agreed to let him take his finals after Christmas break, of course, but I had to wonder if it had been me talking to my professors that calmly about my dad’s funeral if they’d have bought it. I mean everybody always believes Josh, he’s just got one of those faces that makes you think he’s not capable of telling a lie. I know better, but then I’m the only one that knows the truth about what he did to keep us both from getting kicked out of school. It wasn’t until he got off the phone with the Greyhound station that I realized I was still wearing my coat, and I stood up and tossed it on the floor before I tried again to get him to talk to me.

"Can I do anything?" I asked. I was standing in the middle of the room with my arms outstretched and I know I must’ve looked pretty lost myself because he dropped the phone and just walked toward me, pulled me into his arms and buried his face in my neck. I’d have felt bad about getting turned on right then if I didn’t get turned on just thinking about Josh, but as it was I managed to reel it in and just wrap my arms around him. I ran my hands up and down his back and just stood there trapped against him, positive that I never needed to move again as long as I could hold onto him and breathe in his scent.

Then he started talking, real low and right in my ear, and I had to tighten my grip on him just to keep us both standing. "There’s nothing you can do, there’s nothing to do at all. I just…I don’t even know how to feel."

I didn’t know what to do for him, all I knew was it was almost Christmas and all of a sudden he had a dad he’d never mentioned and he was about to leave early to go to a funeral for some guy that must have abandoned him. I had a thousand questions, but he was holding onto me so tight that I knew he was having a hard time holding it together and I didn’t want to push him. Not before he was ready to talk about it, if this was how he was gonna get through the next few days I couldn’t take that away from him. "I’ll go with you," I said, pulling away from him a little to look in the dark eyes that still took my breath away.

For a second he looked almost terrified, and I didn’t know if it was because I wanted to go home with him or because it was finally sinking in that his father was never coming back. I mean there are times when I’ve wished Flushels would just disappear, but I’m not sure how I’d feel if he was really gone forever. Then he sighed and started shaking his head, and when he let go of me I felt more cold than I have in a long time. "No," he whispered, his back to me as he lifted his suitcase off the bed. "I have to catch a bus tomorrow, and they’re not gonna let you out of your last finals because my father died. It’s really not that big a deal, Cooper. I’ll be okay."

"Yeah, okay," I said. I knew better than to believe him but I knew pouting about the fact that he didn’t want me tagging along wasn’t going to do either of us any good. I’d just add a guilt trip to whatever was already going on in his head, and it would make me feel worse when he had to turn me down twice. I still have a little bit of pride. I think. "So this is it until next year, huh? I mean tomorrow you’ll be gone and I won’t see you until after break."

"Oh, geez, I guess you’re right," he said, finally turning back to look at me again. I didn’t know why he was shutting me out at the time but the look on his face made my heart ache so much I couldn’t catch my breath. I didn’t want to use the way he felt about me against him, to force him to care what I was going through when he was dealing with something that was obviously bigger than he was making it out to be. If he wasn’t going to let me go home with him I wanted to take care of him though, at least for one night I wanted to feel like I was helping him deal with things. "I’m sorry, Coop. I didn’t even think…I mean we both would have been heading home in a few days anyway but…"

"It’s okay, Josh," I said as I crossed the room and reached for him again. His arms went around me automatically and I don’t know if it’s ever felt that good to have him hold me, I mean it always feels right to be with Josh but it had been awhile since I’d had to deal with the whole insecurity thing and right then he was scaring me. "I just wish I could go with you. I should be there, you know, for support or whatever."

He smiled that crooked smile of his then, still kinda sad around the eyes but it still made my knees weak. "I don’t want to think about that tonight. Maybe that sounds cold but I don’t want to think about it until I have to. If this is the last night we’ve got for almost a month I want to make the most of it."

I bit back another round of questions he didn’t want to answer and let him kiss me, telling myself that if that was what he needed to forget just for one night then I’d give him whatever I could. I undressed us both slowly, taking the lead and swallowing my worry when he let me take the lead without an argument. We fell into bed together without a word, hands and mouths gliding across every surface of both our bodies. There were none of the usual whispered encouragements or playful struggles for dominance – he was there with me, kissing and touching but he didn’t make his usual smart-ass comment about proving how much he loved me when I turned him on his side and reached for the lube we kept in the nightstand.

I slicked up my fingers and nudged his leg until he lifted it enough for me to slide one inside, my mouth pressed into his shoulder blade and sucking at his pale skin. He let out a low moan and pushed back against me, and I knew it was gonna be long and slow on our sides but that was the way I needed it. I pulled my mouth off his shoulder and slid another finger into him, thrusting deep and stretching my fingers apart. "Josh," I whispered against his ear, "are you sure…"

"Yes," he answered before I could finish the question. His voice was low and breathy as he pushed back against my hand again, and I felt my heart skip a beat and then start pounding even harder against my ribcage. "I love you, Coop. Please…"

I kissed his neck, then his shoulder and the top of his spine as I pulled my hand away from him and slid it under his leg to push it up further. He groaned when I pulled out of him but the groan turned into a low, tortured moan as I replaced my fingers with the tip of my erection, pushing into him in one long, slow stroke. He rocked back against me with each thrust, his breath getting more uneven every time I brushed against his prostate. Every time he met my thrusts his hips moved a little more wildly, but even if I could have picked up the pace at that angle I didn’t want to. I wanted it to last as long as possible, even if it was torture for both of us. Then he reached down and started stroking himself, and I wished I could do that for him too. I knew it meant shifting positions, though, so I let him thrust into his fist and I bit down hard on my lip to keep from losing control whenever his muscles tightened around me.

When he came it took me by surprise, I didn’t realize he was so close until he tensed and thrust hard against me. I moaned and buried myself even deeper inside him, biting down too hard on his shoulder and moaning his name as I lost control. We stayed that way until I lost track of time, forgot where we were and what my name was. All I could focus on was the boneless, sweat-slicked body pressed into my chest, breathing heavy and completely relaxed. Finally I slid out of him and kissed the red mark on his shoulder where my teeth had bruised his skin, sparing a fleeting regret for damaging that beautiful skin where he wouldn’t be able to see it and remember who had done that to him. There was still the rest of the night, though, it was still early and maybe he’d even tell me what the deal was with his father before he left.

I kissed him one more time and slipped out of bed, pulling the sheet over him as his breathing shallowed and he drifted into sleep. I took a quick shower and then ordered take-out from the Chinese place down the street before I got a washcloth and cleaned him off. When I finished I leaned over him and pressed my lips to his temple before I stood up again and tossed the washcloth in a pile of laundry, making a mental note to figure out where it was they kept the laundry room in our building before I went home for break. Usually I was happy to let Josh take care of those details, but considering the circumstances the least I could do was clean the place up before I left for three weeks.

The thought of three weeks without Josh made my chest tighten and I swallowed hard against the lump in my throat, but I fought it off and told myself I wasn’t gonna let him know how badly I was handling the thought of a few weeks away from him. I made it through the whole summer, after all, a few weeks wouldn’t kill me. Even if I was going to spend the whole time worrying about him. When the delivery guy finally showed up I pulled on a pair of sweatpants and paid him, then grabbed some reasonably clean silverware and headed back to the bedroom. Josh was sitting up when I walked into the room, rubbing his eyes and looking so confused and sexy that I had to fight back the urge to ditch the food and jump him again.

Instead I grinned and sat down next to him, digging the sweet and sour shrimp he liked so much out of the bag and handing it over. "Thought you might be hungry," I said, passing him a fork and watching as he opened the container and looked back up at me.

"Thanks, Coop," he said, smiling a little as he leaned over and kissed me. "I didn’t realize how hungry I was until I smelled food."

For a minute I just sat there and watched him eat, I wasn’t sure how to talk to him and I definitely didn’t understand how he could act like his dad dying was no big deal. Finally he noticed I was staring and let out a sigh, setting the takeout container on the bed and running his hands through his hair. "I know this doesn’t make any sense to you, but I can’t explain it. Not yet. Okay?"

And God, I felt selfish for wanting to push him back against the pillows and taste every inch of him. I wanted to mark him where he’d see it when he got in the shower every morning for the next week, I wanted to tell him it was okay if he didn’t want to talk about it as long as he still loved me. I hated myself for wanting him to convince me that he was gonna come back to school in a few weeks and be okay again, and I knew I should make him talk about it. I kept telling myself that he didn’t have to tell me that night, though, that there was plenty of time for us to talk about why his dad was dead and he hadn’t even cried.

After we finished eating I started to ask him again if he wanted me to go home with him, but he shut me up with a kiss and we spent the rest of the night drifting between touching and kissing and dozing off for an hour or two here and there. Even those few hours of sleep seemed like too much, because I knew the next day he’d be gone and I wouldn’t get another chance to lie next to him and listen to him breathe for a long time. Every time I thought about him leaving I told myself that he’d be back when I got back from my parents’ house, but something about that night felt so final that it scared the hell out of me. I knew it was just the fact that he wouldn’t let me help him, wouldn’t tell me why he’d grown up without his dad around or even how he’d died. That didn’t make it any easier to let him go, though, and even though I couldn’t tell him I was scared out of my mind that he wasn’t coming back.

He left the next morning, he kissed me goodbye and told me he’d call in a few days and just walked out of our apartment. I knew what that meant even if he didn’t say it – he didn’t want me to call and check up on him, he needed time to deal with his family in his own way. Maybe there really wasn’t anything I could do to help him, but that didn’t stop me from talking my way into an early final and renting a car before I could talk myself out of it. When I finally pulled onto the street where he grew up and found his house I parked across the street and just stared at his front door for what felt like forever. The house was tiny, it would fit into my parents’ place at least twice and the gray siding looked even more dreary against the gray sky. The snow was coming down even harder when I finally forced myself to get out of the car and cross the street, pulling my coat a little closer as I rang the bell and praying to a God I didn’t even believe in that he’d just be happy I was there.

END