Title: Head Held High

Author/pseudonym: Caroline Crane

Fandom: Dead Man on Campus

Paring: Josh/Cooper

Rating: PG13

Status: complete

Archive: yes to list archives

Series/Sequel: Part four of six (barring any unforeseen complications)

Head Held High
by Caroline Crane

Bowling.

Now there’s a game I never thought I’d ever be desperate enough to try, but the night of the funeral that’s exactly what we did. It started as Josh trying to get his sister out of the house for awhile; when we got back to his mom’s place he disappeared for a long time, stranding me in the kitchen with his mom while she made dinner. I just sat there at the kitchen table and watched her move around that little kitchen, trying hard to ignore the cracked linoleum and the dingy yellow paint on the walls that somebody had slapped on there years ago. They were probably going for cheerful at the time, but the kitchen had definitely seen better days and now everything just looked sort of depressing. I never really paid much attention to the kitchen in my own parents’ house, and I definitely never sat at the table and watched my mom cook anything. I’m not sure she even knows how to cook, not that she’s home enough to do anything domestic.

So hanging out with Josh’s mom was kinda nice, I could tell she was feeling a little less cheerful than usual but she was doing a good job of faking it. And it was comforting in a weird way to see that she liked me, I mean if she hated me it would make it a lot harder for Josh to finally tell her the truth. Watching her move around the kitchen while she kept up a running commentary about her kids and small-town gossip was strange, though, because I kinda enjoyed it and I wasn’t sure if I’d be all that welcome in her house once Josh finally came clean.

Not that the choice between Josh and keeping in his mom’s good graces was hard, there was definitely no contest there. If she wanted to hate me or blame me for corrupting her only son or whatever that was fine, just as long as she didn’t guilt Josh into dumping me. That I definitely couldn’t handle, which was why the longer I sat at her kitchen table and listened to her the more nervous I got.

The weird thing was that when we were at school everything was perfect, before I followed him home I never would have known that there was this whole other part of his life that he kept completely separate from who he really was. I’d only been there a couple days but I was already starting to resent that part of him, I mean I’d been up front with my parents about Josh the first chance I got and his mom liked him a hell of a lot more than Flushels ever liked me. So if dear old Dad could deal with it then Josh’s mom should be okay with it, shouldn’t she? In a way I could understand him being scared to tell her, last she knew he was head over heels for Rachel and everything was right with the world. I was working hard not to take it personally, but that would be a pretty tall order for anyone, let alone a guy like me.

I was starting to wonder if a person could actually crawl out of their own skin when Josh and his sister finally put in an appearance. Both their eyes were red and kinda puffy and Josh looked almost as worn out as he did when I first showed up. Normally when I found him looking like that after a full night of studying I’d make him stop whatever he was doing, ignoring him when he tried to argue with me while I undressed him. Then I’d get into bed with him and make him sleep, even if I was wide awake I’d just lie there and watch him. He’ll probably never know what a kick I get out of just watching him sleep, that’s the kind of information that could totally ruin my rep but Josh pretty much knows what a sap I am when it comes to him. I hate watching him push himself until he’s so tired he’s about to fall over, but right then there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.

He sat down across from me and gave me a weak grin, and it killed me that I couldn’t even reach over and hold his hand. I couldn’t do anything but sit there and look like there was nothing wrong with pretending I wasn’t hopelessly, pathetically in love with him. He must have known what I was thinking because he kept kinda looking at me from under his eyelashes, I can’t really blame him because he probably didn’t have a clue what that was doing to me but it definitely wasn’t helping.

So I was glad in a way to get out of there, even if it meant going to the bowling alley that Josh spent so much time worrying about. From the way he talked about it like it was his idea of hell I was expecting a total dive, but it wasn’t half bad in a small town kind of way. Not that I’d spent a lot of time in bowling alleys in small towns, but it had a decent bar and the seats were clean. I was wearing somebody else’s shoes and I wasn’t thrilled about it, but for Josh I was willing to give anything a shot.

I still couldn’t touch him, though, not with people around that knew him. Not to mention that we were there with his kid sister, she seemed more or less oblivious to both of us but I knew better than to even try to get close to him in public. Still, it wasn’t all bad, watching Josh with his little sister was kind of fun. He doesn’t talk much about her when he’s at school but watching them together I could tell they were as close as any kids with a couple years between them could be. So I just sat back and watched the two of them bowl, I tried hard not to think about how good Josh was at it but then again I guess there wouldn’t be much else to do growing up in a town like his.

"Sorry about this," he said when he finally took a break from his sister and slid into the plastic chair next to me. I watched him write some numbers down on the scorecard before I answered, leaning forward to watch him just so I’d have an excuse to press our shoulders together. How pathetic is that, I couldn’t even touch him without making it look like an accident.

"Sorry for what?" I asked. He looked over at me and I could tell from the look on his face that he wasn’t just thinking about dragging me to a bowling alley and making me put on a pair of rented shoes. I didn’t want to go there, though, because I knew he already felt bad enough and if I pushed him he might just decide he didn’t really need me around after all. "I mean I’ve never actually bowled before, but there’s a first time for everything, right?"

He gave me that crooked half-smile of his that let me know he wasn’t buying whatever I was trying to sell him, and I had to look away because that was the look that always made my throat close up on me. I couldn’t stand to see him looking sad or disappointed, frustrated and annoyed I kind of got a kick out of but when he got disappointed in me I usually started wondering when he was going to figure out that he’d be better off without me.

"You want a beer?" I asked without looking back at him, standing up fast and reaching for my wallet. "What’s your sister drink?"

"Buy her a Suicide and she’ll love you forever," Josh answered. I guess I looked at him kind of funny when he said it because he laughed and suddenly he didn’t look so tired anymore. "They mix every kind of fountain soda in an extra-large cup, if you ask me it’s really gross but she likes it."

"Hey, to each their own," I said, turning away before he had a chance to react to that. The thing was I couldn’t keep sitting there next to him and not touch him, I mean forget kissing or holding hands. I couldn’t even put my hand on his thigh or put my arm around him without causing a major scene, and it was way too hard to sit there and pretend it wasn’t bothering me. So I bought a round of drinks, but by the time I turned around to go back to our lane Sarah was halfway across the alley and Josh was walking toward me.

"Game over?" I asked, raising my eyebrows as I watched his little sister flirt with a dark-haired kid in a faded denim jacket.

Josh looked over at Sarah then too, smiling a little as he watched her laugh at something one of the kids she was talking to said. "Yeah, some of her friends showed up so she ditched me. Guess being college men doesn’t make us quite as cool as it used to. Don’t forget to return your shoes."

I looked down at my feet and rolled my eyes, thankful that at least Josh hadn’t brought a camera to capture the night for posterity. "Thanks, I don’t think this is something I ever need to do again. So will it totally humiliate her if one of us brings this over to her?" I asked, holding up Sarah’s soda.

He shrugged and turned back to me then, picking up his beer and taking a long pull without even remembering to complain about me using a fake ID in his hometown. "Probably less humiliating coming from you. You’re not her older brother, you’ve still got the whole handsome stranger mystique going for you." He grinned as he said the last part and I had to stifle a groan, I wanted to throttle him for thinking a compliment here and there was going to make everything okay again.

"Yeah, well, being the cute one has its advantages," I shot back, not bothering to look at him as I picked up her soda and made my way over to the shoe rental guy. I ignored the twinge of guilt as I walked away from Josh, telling myself that I had a right to be bothered by the situation. If we were in my hometown I sure as hell wouldn’t be pretending he was just a friend, but I’d never brought him home so maybe he didn’t know that. We’d never really been outside of Daleman together before, and I was starting to wonder if this was what life with Josh would be like after college. I didn’t know if I could live with that, I didn’t want to give up Josh but if this was the way it was gonna be I wasn’t sure I could handle it.

When I got to Sarah and her friends they all turned and looked at me, I mean I was only a couple years old than all of them but right then I felt like somebody’s dad. It was weird, all of them shut up the second I walked over and they just kind of looked at me like they were waiting for me to say what I wanted to say and leave. Normally in a situation like that I find the best way to bond is over everyone’s recreational drug of choice, it’s usually the fastest route to some kind of middle ground. I couldn’t do that with Josh’s kid sister, though, not if I wanted a shot at getting him back home to our place and straightening things out between us.

"Does Josh want to go already?" Sarah asked, and I shook my head and handed her the soda.

"Nah, we don’t mind hanging out for awhile. Just thought you could use this."

"Oh. Thanks." She took it and looked over my shoulder at her brother, I followed her gaze before I even realized what I was doing and felt my heart skip a beat when I saw Josh laughing with the bartender and a couple guys I’d seen earlier. So much for a couple quiet beers together, I guess I should have known he’d run into people he knew but I wasn’t feeling much like making small talk with guys he went to high school with.

"Yeah, have fun," I said, glancing back at Sarah for a second before I turned back toward the bar. As I walked away I heard her telling her friends that I was her brother’s college roommate, and I tried not to flinch at that word that I was really starting to hate. I knew I was about to hear it at least one more time, though, so I tried to convince myself I could live through one night of pretending for Josh’s sake.

When I got back to the bar all four guys turned to look at me, I could tell Josh was nervous but I wasn’t about to let him off the hook. He was the one that dragged me to a bowling alley where he knew he was going to run into guys from high school, I didn’t have to make him feel better about it. "Dude, I knew that ID was bogus," the bartender said, laughing as I picked up my beer and grinned at him. "You must be the roommate. I’m Justin."

"Yeah, that’s me, the ‘roommate’," I answered, ignoring Josh as I shook hands with his friends and introduced myself. When I was done making Josh nervous I took a seat, finally looking over at him and flashing him my most innocent smile. Yeah, okay, so maybe it was kind of mean to make him squirm in front of a bunch of guys that were bigger than both of us, but he was the one that got us into the mess in the first place. I mean I guess I wouldn’t really want one of them pounding the crap out of me for being gay, let alone all three of them, but it wasn’t like I was planning on saying anything.

"Man, you are so lucky you got the hell out of here," the one named Mike said. That’s what everybody says when somebody leaves a small town and then goes back to visit, but the thing was after spending a couple days there I had a feeling they all meant it. If it hadn’t been for the funeral I don’t know if Josh ever would have brought me home to see where he grew up, but I had a feeling that even if his father hadn’t died it would still be a pretty depressing place to hang out.

"Yeah, I guess nothing much really changes here," Josh answered. He was looking around at the bowling alley when he said it, watching his sister and her friends. When I saw the look on his face I felt bad about what I’d been thinking since we got there, but it didn’t make it any easier to find out how far in the closet he still was. I’ve never really been the parade and rainbow sticker type, but it’s not like I lie to people about who I am. If they don’t like it that’s their problem, at least that’s what I always figured. Josh hadn’t figured that out yet, though, and I wasn’t sure if there was anything I could do about it.

"Not really," Justin said, his expression sobering as he looked around the mostly deserted bar. "Kinda makes me wish I’d known back in high school, you know? But it’s not so bad, tending bar’s pretty easy and in a few months I’ll have enough to move out of my folks’ place."

"You got an apartment or what?" the third one asked. He was smaller than the other two and kind of quiet, and judging from the way he kept kind of drifting in and out of the conversation I wasn’t even sure if he knew who Josh was.

Josh looked over at me quick before he answered, I don’t know if he was waiting for me to open my mouth and say something that would get the shit kicked out of both of us or if he was just thinking about our place. Not that I was planning on saying anything, I just wished we were back there. It wasn’t much but at least when we were there everything was normal. "Yeah, we…uh, we met in the dorm but we’ve got a place off campus now. It’s not bad."

All three of them started making noise about how great it must be to live on our own, and I practically choked on a laugh at the thought of telling them that it was a one bedroom. I could just imagine Josh’s face as he tried to explain how it saved on rent, but instead I kept my mouth shut and watched him tell them about the parties on campus. It was weird listening to Josh talking about partying like it was something he did on a regular basis, most of the time we had to drag him to frat parties. It was easier to get him to go to a bar or back to the dorm to hang out with Zeke and the guys, but he still spent most of his time studying. Not that I minded, because that meant I got him all to myself. Even if he had his nose stuck in a book at least he was home, in our place where I could watch him study or just annoy him until he gave up and came to bed.

I was used to taking things for granted, took Flushels’ money for granted most of my life and I never worried too much about the trouble I got myself in because I knew the old man would bail me out. After the first few months I even started taking Josh for granted, I mean once I finally believed him when he said he loved me I just assumed he’d be there forever. It only took two days at his mom’s house to make me realize for the first time how fast that could change, I’d never cared before when people came and went out of my life but with Josh everything was different. Just watching him sit there and talk to a bunch of guys that probably wouldn’t give him the time of day in high school made me see how much we both had to lose, and I wondered for the first time if what we had was enough to make Josh risk losing the little family he had left.

"I have to admit, dude, you’ve changed a lot since high school," Mike said. I hadn’t been listening to whatever they were talking about but when I heard that I looked up again, watching Josh shift a little nervously on his barstool. The three of them didn’t even notice, but I’d spent enough time around him to know when he was uncomfortable. "I mean you’re way cooler now, back in high school you were such a geek."

The truth was that Josh probably was a total geek in high school, and no matter how much he talked up the amount of partying he did at school he was still more or less a geek. But he was my geek, and listening to those three losers talk about him like he didn’t have any feelings made me crazy. I couldn’t do anything, couldn’t even touch him to let him know that I thought he was pretty much perfect just the way he was. Okay, he could stand to lighten up a little still and I wasn't crazy about the fact that he thought we had something to be ashamed of, but even with his weird hang-ups he was worth ten of those guys.

"Yeah, well, my mom’s not breathing down my neck making me study anymore," he said, looking everywhere but at me. If I wasn’t so pissed that they were making fun of him I would have thought it was cute that he was embarrassed, but even if I could enjoy it I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.

"Oh, hey, you’ll never guess who’s getting married," Justin said, changing the subject as he put another beer down in front of each of us. He seemed to be more or less the brains of the outfit, and I was almost grateful to him for changing the subject. Almost. "Remember John Sawyer?"

"Of course, who could forget him?" Josh answered. He glanced over at me finally and I bit down hard on my lip to keep myself from touching him or doing anything else that would get our asses kicked. "Prom king, class president, you know the type."

"Yeah, sure," I answered, picking up my beer as I listened to them talk about the popular crowd from their high school days. I’d heard of the type, and I’d seen plenty of movies about the geeky kid falling for the most popular guy in school. But even though I probably wouldn’t tell Josh just because I know the look he’d give me, if anyone asked I wouldn’t be able to tell them the names of the popular guys in my school. For all I know I was one of them, I always did alright with girls even though I wasn’t that interested. Most of the time I was too stoned to pay any attention to what was going on, I think they finally just let me graduate so the teachers wouldn’t have to look at me anymore.

"Yeah, he dropped out of college and everything," Justin said. "Knocked up his girlfriend, they both had to drop out. I guess they’re moving back here, he’s gonna work in his dad’s feed store."

They all seemed to think it was pretty funny that the guy with the best prospects out of all of them pretty much crashed and burned his second year of college – well, all of them except Josh. He smiled kinda half-heartedly and finished off the rest of his first beer, pushing the second one away slowly so they wouldn’t notice. "Wow," he finally said when they all looked at him. "I never would have seen that coming."

"No kidding," Mike said, raising his bottle in a sort of impromptu toast before he tipped it back and drained half of it. "But hey, I bet college girls are hot. What about you, Josh? You getting any?"

I don’t know what color my face was or what I looked like when I heard that, and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know because judging by the look Josh gave me it wasn’t good. I didn’t care, though, it didn’t matter what those losers thought of me anymore because I couldn’t sit there and listen to that. I wasn’t gonna listen to him lie and say he wasn’t seeing anybody, or even worse, tell them about Rachel. I reached for my wallet and threw a few bills on the bar, muttered something about needing air and took off without looking back. Justin might have said something about drinks being on him, but I didn’t care about the price of a few beers. What I cared about was that Josh was supposed to love me, and I knew he was gonna lie to them. No matter how many ways I tried to tell myself it was the only way he could deal I wasn’t going to just sit there and take it, not if I didn’t have to.

It could have been seconds or hours for all I knew before he followed me out of the building. I couldn’t feel the cold, I could see my breath rising in the air around me but my skin felt hot and I barely even registered when the door opened behind me. I knew it was him without looking, so I didn’t turn around to see the look on his face. The thing was that I felt bad for not sitting there and taking it, but I couldn’t keep up the act after two days so there was no way I was going to be able to do it forever. If this was what we had to look forward to I wanted to know now, because I wasn’t sure I could handle it.

"Cooper," he said, I tried not to react to the sound of my name but I know he saw the shiver run down my spine. Only Josh could make my name sound like something that’s only whispered in the dark. I wasn’t ready for his hands to land on my waist, I just figured he wouldn’t touch me until he was sure we were totally alone. Before I could stop myself I leaned back into him, I didn’t want to be so damn easy but I was used to touching him whenever I felt like it and it was hard to suddenly be with him but not be able to do anything about it.

"This is too hard, Josh," I said, I let him turn me toward him but I didn’t look up at him while I finally said what I’d been thinking all night. "Is this what it’s gonna be like after college? I mean if we stay together, is this how it’s gonna be?"

"Those guys in there don’t matter." He slid his hand under my chin and made me look up at him, I didn’t want to because I knew how miserable he was going to look but my imagination didn’t even come close to the truth. He just looked so tired, like it was taking everything in him to stay on his feet. I wasn’t making his life any easier either, but he wouldn't even let me help him so I didn't know what else to do. "I love you, Coop, that’s all that counts."

I wanted to tell him how wrong he was, or maybe point out that if those guys didn’t matter then he shouldn’t have a problem telling them the truth when they asked who he was sleeping with. Maybe it was none of their business, and maybe he could tell himself that and use it as an excuse to hide who he was from the rest of the world. I knew that wasn’t going to be good enough forever, though, and I didn’t want to have to hide how I felt about him just because he couldn’t deal with what people thought of us. Maybe I should have told him all of that, but I didn’t want to make him feel any worse until I got him home and we could figure things out without his family around. I didn’t want to do this here, I wanted to be back at our place where at least I felt like I knew him.

I didn’t even notice when I closed my hands around the front of his shirt, but when I looked down my knuckles were white from holding onto him. More than anything I just wanted to lean forward and kiss him, but we were standing right in front of the door and I was pretty sure he wouldn’t go for that. It was bad enough that we were standing so close together with his arms half around me, I could hear his heart pounding hard and I knew he was probably just waiting for one of those guys to follow us into the parking lot. "I’m sorry. Sorry I just ran out of there," I finally said as I let go of his shirt and started to pull away. "I just couldn’t sit there and listen to that."

He didn’t say anything, but when I tried to pull out of his grip his hands tightened on my hips and then he dragged me back against him. I only had a second to register what he was doing before his mouth was on mine; it had only been a few hours since the last time I kissed him but it felt so right that I had to swallow a sob. I wasn’t gonna start crying, I didn’t really care much about crying in front of him but I didn’t want to make him feel any worse than I already had. Besides, he was kissing me right out in the open and even if it was just because he felt guilty I wasn’t about to screw it up.

I expected it to be over pretty much as soon as it started, I figured he was just trying to make me feel better and in a minute he’d be begging me to go back inside and act like everything was fine. The sad thing is I probably would have, I would’ve tried anyway. I never had to, though, because before I knew it his hands were under my coat and pulling my shirt out of my pants. I groaned against his mouth and pulled him even closer, I knew we were gonna run out of air soon but I didn’t want to let go because when I did he’d remember where we were and pull away again. I hadn’t been this nervous about kissing him since the first time it happened, but as soon as his hands slid under my shirt kissing wasn’t enough anymore.

"Josh," I said, gasping as I tore my lips away from his to whisper in his ear.

"We need to go, now," he said. "I have to go inside and find Sarah."

For the first time since we got outside I remembered that his sister was still in there, and I took a deep breath and tried to pull myself together as I realized I was gonna have to drive her home. We were still supposed to be just roommates as far as everyone else was concerned, and I was pretty sure that included his little sister. I cleared my throat and looked over his shoulder so I wouldn't have to look in his eyes and see how much he wanted me. I knew I’d never be able to keep my hands off him even in the ten minutes it took to get back to his mom’s house and up to his room if I looked at him, but when I focused on the door to the bowling alley and saw that we weren’t alone it didn’t matter anymore.

"Too late," I said as I watched his sister blush and look down at the ground. Josh turned to look at her just as she started toward the car, and I watched all the color run out of his face. "You want me to talk to her?"

"Oh no," he said, he didn’t look at me but I pretty much figured it wasn’t gonna happen tonight after all. I was starting to regret ever showing up at his mom’s house, I mean we were totally happy before I found out that he hadn’t come out to his family. At least I was happy, I was starting to wonder if Josh even knew what that was like. "Just…give me a minute, okay?"

I just nodded as he walked away, watched him stop next to the car where she was memorizing the ground in front of her. I know he expected me to wait by the door, after all it was his sister and this was pretty much what he’d been trying to avoid when he told me not to come to the funeral. It wasn’t like I wasn’t part of it, though, so I figured I had a right to know what he was telling her. By the time I reached them they were shoulder to shoulder, Sarah was looking at him while Josh whispered something. "Everything okay?" I asked, raising my eyebrows as she looked down at the ground again and blushed even harder.

"Yeah, I think so," Josh said, glancing up at me once and smiling before he looked back at his sister. "Sarah? Are you gonna be okay?"

"What, because I found out my brother’s gay by catching him making out with his roommate?" she asked. I wanted to laugh at the look she shot him, but I figured it would be safer if I just kept my mouth shut until she was done. "Give me a little credit, Josh. What do I care if you’re gay?"

"So you’re okay with this?" This time we both rolled our eyes, I mean I love Josh so I think clueless looks good on him, but sometimes it gets a little old.

"Yeah, I mean I didn’t need to see that," she said, and this time I didn’t bother trying not to laugh.

Josh cleared his throat and shot me one of his best disapproving looks but I pretended I didn’t notice, Sarah was laughing too so I figured it was a good sign. "Sorry about that," he said.

"Don’t worry about it." She pushed herself off the car and opened the back door, Josh glanced over at me when she got in and closed the door but I just shrugged and walked around to the driver’s side. For a second Josh just kinda stood there and I wasn’t sure he was gonna get in, but then he pulled the door open and slid into the passenger seat.

Nobody said anything until we pulled out of the parking lot and started back toward the neighborhood, but finally she leaned forward between the seats. "Does Mom know?"

"Not yet."

"Why not?" she asked. I hadn’t paid a lot of attention to Josh’s little sister since I met him, but I was starting to like her more and more every minute. "I mean it’s not like she’s gonna care, Josh. After last year she’s so scared you’re gonna try to kill yourself again that she’d probably just be relieved to know you’re happy. You are, aren’t you?"

I told myself not to look at him, I mean even though she knew I still couldn’t touch him. When he didn’t answer right away I started to get nervous, though, so I glanced over at him and found him staring right at me. "Yeah, I am," he said, but it was the way he said it that sent a shiver right up my spine. I would have grabbed him and kissed him right then, to hell with the fact that I was driving, if I didn’t think it would embarrass his sister. "I’m going to tell her, I just haven’t really had a chance yet. I was gonna do it over break but with everything that’s going on right now…"

"You should just tell her," Sarah said as I pulled up across from the house. She sat back and reached for the door handle, and we both watched her get out of the car and run across the street to the house. For a second I just sat there and stared at the front door, scared to look at him because I knew if I did I’d see all that regret and confusion that was written all over his face when I first showed up.

I didn’t look over at him until his hand closed around mine, but when I did my heart started racing so fast I wasn’t sure I’d make it into the house. "I’ll tell her, Coop. Once everything’s back to normal."

"Yeah, I know. Let’s just go inside," I said, pulling my hand out of his and opening the car door. I didn’t ask him what he meant by ‘normal’, because I wasn’t sure if he’d be able to tell me. All I knew was that everything had felt off since I showed up on his doorstep, and I was starting to wonder if things were ever going to get back to normal again.

The End