Title: Learning Curve

Author/pseudonym: Caroline Crane

Fandom: Dead Man on Campus

Paring: Josh/Cooper

Rating: R for language

Status: complete

Archive: yes to list archives

Series/Sequel: Part two of six (barring any unforeseen complications)

This is the series that pretty much cemented my personal DMOC canon, so some of this stuff you definitely won't find in the movie. Not sure if that elevates it to AU or if I just spend way too much time thinking about Josh's backstory.

Summary: Josh reacts to the fact that Cooper followed him home, and Cooper learns a little more about Josh's father.

Warnings: vague spoilers for the movie, comfort sex, major angst. Of course with me that pretty much goes without saying. Death of a character never mentioned in the movie.

Learning Curve
by Caroline Crane

Took him forever to answer the door, it was freezing outside but by the time he finally opened it my palms were sweating. Then he was standing in front of me, wearing jeans and a thin T-shirt and looking so bad that part of me wished he hadn’t answered the door at all. "Cooper?" he asked, his eyes too dark against pale skin.

"Surprise," I announced as cheerfully as I could, working up a convincing grin and biting the inside of my cheek to keep from asking him what the hell happened to him in the four days since he left school. "I know you told me not to come but it’s freezing out here, Josh. Can I come in?"

He started and a shiver ran through him like he was just realizing how cold it was before he nodded and stood aside to let me in. "Yeah…yeah, of course. Come in. What are you doing here?"

"Look, I know you told me not to but before you get mad hear me out," I said as he closed the door behind me. I slid out of my coat as I talked and took a second to look around the dark foyer, frowning for a second before I caught myself and turned back to him. "I was worried about you, Josh. You weren’t making a lot of sense when you left."

"I said I’d call you," he said, and I could tell he was gonna shut down on me any second. I didn’t plan to show up and start yelling at him, not right away anyway. I was at least gonna wait until after the funeral to start in with the selfishness. Not that he’d even bothered to tell me when the funeral was, for all I knew I could have missed it already. "I thought you had a final today."

"Yeah, Harris let me take it early." He was looking at me but I couldn’t tell if he was really listening to me. He looked worn out like he hadn’t slept since the last time I saw him, and suddenly ‘worried’ seemed like a huge understatement. "Josh, you’re scaring me here. I mean can I at least hug you before you throw me out?"

I winced as my voice cracked on the last part of my speech and hoped he wouldn’t notice, but as soon as I stopped talking his face crumbled and he stepped toward me. Then his arms were around me and holding me almost too tight, but I didn’t care if I couldn’t breathe. All I cared about was that he was a mess and I still didn’t know why. "I’m sorry," he whispered low in my ear, over and over. "I’m sorry, I’m sorry."

Now normally I don’t mind laying a guilt trip on Josh, it always works and he just makes it so easy that I figure he doesn’t really mind. Listening to him tell me how sorry he was when I knew he was having a hard time actually made me feel bad, though, worse than all the times he’s yelled at me about trying to make him feel guilty. And he was holding onto me so tight, like he was scared I really was going to leave as soon as he let go. In a way that made me feel a little better, at least it meant he wasn’t trying to get rid of me. But Josh is the most level-headed guy I’ve ever met, and the mood swings weren’t like him at all. "Hey," I said, pulling away from him just a little, just enough to look at him. "It’s okay, I just wanted to make sure you were alright. If you really don’t want me to stay it’s okay." Yeah, okay, it was a lie but I figured it was the right thing to say.

"No," he said, and at first I didn’t know if he was telling me he wanted me to stay or he wanted me to go. Then he smiled at me for the first time since I showed up and I felt about a hundred pounds lighter. "I’m glad you’re here, Coop. Where’s your stuff?"

"Out in the car," I answered, tightening my grip on him as he started to pull away from me. "Just wait a second."

Man, I love it when he smiles at me like that. It didn’t have quite the same affect because he hadn’t slept in four days, but it still made my heart skip a beat when he smiled and leaned toward me. I kissed him slow, taking my time to remember all my favorite things about the way his lips moved against mine and the taste of Josh tinted by mint flavor left over from his toothpaste. He pulled away way too soon, but at least I knew there’d be other chances to pick up where we left off. "Go get your stuff," he whispered, his voice thick and lower than usual.

I don’t like to argue with him when something’s really important to him, so I let go of him and went back out into the cold again. I almost didn’t mind the snow in my hair or the cold wind cutting through my clothes because I knew Josh was waiting for me inside, and he was definitely warm. I smiled at the thought and grabbed my bag, swinging it over my shoulder as I headed back toward the house. When I got back inside he was sitting on the stairs waiting for me, looking like he was having trouble holding up his head. As soon as he heard the door close he looked up, but I could tell just by looking at him that he was holding it together by a thread. "Come on," I said, reaching for his hand and pulling him up, "show me the room where little Joshie dreamed of being a doctor."

The nickname his mom still uses for him got a laugh out of him at least, and he led me up the stairs and into a room that didn’t look that different from the dorm room where we first lived together. It was smaller than our dorm room and there were a few family pictures on his desk but other than that there wasn’t much that screamed ‘Josh’. Not that he really kept much around our apartment other than his math awards and a couple pictures from high school, but I never gave it much thought before. I mean our place was our place, it automatically felt like Josh when I walked in the door. I didn’t need a bunch of stuff lying around collecting dust to remind me of him, but walking into his room at his mom’s house for the first time made me realize for the first time how little he really had.

I snapped out of it and dropped my bag on the floor at the foot of the bed before I turned back to him and took a good, hard look at him. There were dark circles under his eyes and he was a little paler than usual, it had only been four days since he left but it was weird to see how much damage four days could do. "Jesus, Josh, you look like shit. Lie down before you fall over," I said, taking hold of his shoulders and steering him toward the bed.

"Thanks a lot. It’s nice to see you too," he muttered, but he did what I told him and he didn’t complain when I kicked my shoes off and laid down next to him. I pulled him into me and his head settled on my shoulder, his eyes closing as he turned his face into my neck. "I should have told you about my dad before I left. I’m really sorry, Coop."

"So tell me now," I said, tightening my arm around his shoulders.

He sighed against my neck but I ignored the shiver it sent down my spine. Not even I’m that selfish. "He left when I was eight. My sister was five so she doesn’t even remember him, but I can remember when he was still around. Not that he was much of a dad even when he lived here, but at least he was around, you know?"

"So all this time he’s been out there and you haven’t seen him?"

"I saw him a couple times," Josh answered, but from the sound of his voice I could tell they hadn’t exactly been happy family reunions. "For awhile he still lived in town, but then he moved to Chicago or somewhere and I didn’t see him again until high school. He showed up when I was fifteen, looking for money or something. I don’t know, I guess my mom kept tabs on him but she tried to keep him out of our lives."

"Why?"

"Because he was a drunk, I guess, or maybe it was because she didn’t want him to keep coming around and getting our hopes up. My mom worked her ass off to keep food on the table and make sure we didn’t lose this place. She took extra shifts all the time, worked graveyard, you name it. She didn’t have a life, and I knew she expected me to get perfect grades and get a full ride to college so I didn’t have a life either. And now he’s dead – he never helped us while he was alive and now that he’s dead my mom has to bury him."

You know, if he’d told me all this up front when we met I might not have screwed around so much and tried so hard to drag him down with me. Well, okay, I probably would have but I would have felt a lot worse about it. I mean I always loved him, even back when we were still doing the ‘just friends’ thing I loved him. So if I’d known why he needed to study so much I probably would have given him a break, or at least tried to. Seemed like there are a lot of things I didn’t know about Josh, though. "When’s the funeral?" I asked, part of me hoping I’d already missed it and the rest of me hoping he’d let me stay for it.

"Tomorrow," he answered, turning a little further into me and throwing one arm over my chest. "Isn’t your dad gonna wonder where you are?"

"He knows where I am," I answered. "I called him before I left school and told him I was gonna be at your place for a few days before I went home. But forget about Flushels, he doesn’t care what I do anyway. Have you slept at all since you got home?"

He pressed his face into my neck and mumbled something, although I don’t think I was supposed to understand it. "Man, you must be even more out of it than you look," I teased. "Was that even English?"

A heavy sigh hit my neck in a rush of hot breath and I twitched in his arms, turning toward him as he pulled his face off my chest to look at me. "I said I’m not used to sleeping alone anymore. I don’t know, I guess I just missed having you here."

I must have been grinning like an idiot because he groaned like I had something on him that he was never going to live down, but I decided to save the torture for when he was feeling better. Maybe someday I’d even tell him that I never slept all that well when he wasn’t around either. Instead I pulled him back down against my shoulder and brushed my lips against his forehead before I settled back against his pillows. "I love you too, Josh."

I don’t know how long we slept but when I woke up Josh was sitting up, his legs over the edge of the bed and one hand rubbing the back of his neck. I stretched and sat up, covering his hand with mine and wincing at the knots of tension in his neck. "What time is it?" I asked right before I leaned forward and pressed my lips to the fine hairs at the base of his skull.

"Must be after 5:00," he answered, turning to look over his shoulder at me. "My mom just got home, I should go downstairs."

"That’s cool, I’ve been dying to meet your mom anyway," I said, although my heart wasn’t really in it. Not that I didn’t want to meet Josh’s mom, but after spending a few hours with Josh wrapped around me I could think of a few things I’d rather be doing. "She’s not gonna make me sleep on the couch, is she?"

"Coop…" he started, and something about the way he said my name made me kinda nervous. I wasn’t really sure what it was exactly, but then he leaned forward and kissed me hard. "I love you, you know that, right?"

"Yeah, of course," I answered, only now I was even more nervous. People only said that when they were about to tell you something you didn’t want to hear, like they had to leave you for your own good or they only had six months to live. "Why?"

"Nothing, forget it," he mumbled, standing up and running his hands through his hair. "Come on, I’ll introduce you to my mom."

I pulled my shoes back on and followed him down the stairs, my mind racing as I tried to figure out what he wasn’t telling me. He’d been acting weird about his dad dying and all, but this couldn’t be about that. At least it didn’t seem like it. Something about the way he looked at me when he told me he loved me made it seem more personal, but then he was always telling me I think everything’s about me. So maybe he was right, maybe I was reading too much into something simple. I tried to shrug it off as I followed him into the kitchen and came face to face with his mother.

"Mom," Josh said, and I tried to tell myself I was imagining the nervous edge in his voice. "Cooper’s here. He…ah…finished his finals early so he came out for the funeral."

"Hey, Mrs. Miller," I said, working hard not to react to the way Josh stuttered over his explanation. "Sorry to drop in unannounced, I hope it’s okay."

"Of course," she answered, smiling at me like she really meant it. "It’s nice to finally meet you, Cooper. Although between talking to you on the phone and hearing Josh talk about you I feel like I already know you. I’m just glad Josh has such good friends."

Josh didn’t say anything, he was still standing next to me with his arms crossed over his chest and his weight shifting back and forth on his heels. I just stood there and watched him get more and more uncomfortable, until finally it sank even through my thick skull. She didn’t know. The whole time I thought he just couldn’t deal with me and his dad at the same time, but that wasn’t it at all.

"You want us to go pick up Sarah?" Josh asked, his voice wavering a little but if she noticed she didn’t react.

She smiled and it was obvious she was totally clueless, so it wasn’t like he had anything to worry about. I hadn’t even tried to touch him in front of her, but he could have at least given me some warning. "That would be great, sweetie. She’s probably just about done with band practice. My keys are right by my purse."

"That’s okay, Cooper’s got a car," Josh said, shoving me toward the entrance to the kitchen. I wanted to ask him if he thought it was such a good idea to touch me in front of his mother, but I decided to save the sarcasm for when we were alone. If he was gonna make me chauffeur his little sister around at least it gave me a chance to ask him why he couldn’t just tell me the real reason he didn’t want me going home with him.

I pulled my coat on without saying anything, kept my mouth shut while I waited for him to find his shoes and a coat. I didn’t even say anything while we walked out to the car, and once we got in I started the engine and drove a few blocks without even knowing where I was going. When we were far enough away from his house that I was sure his mother wouldn’t see us I pulled over again and turned to look at him. "You haven’t told her anything, have you?"

"I was going to," he said, and I felt bad for sounding so insulted when I heard how tired he still was. "I swear, Coop, I was gonna tell her over break. But then with my father I couldn’t spring that on her too."

I sighed and pulled my glasses off, cleaning them on my shirt just to give myself something to look at besides him. He was giving me that pathetic pleading expression he used when he was trying to get me to give in on something, usually it was just turning down my music or going away so he could study in peace but it worked just as well sitting in a rental car on a deserted street in Indiana. "Fine, Josh, but you could have given me a heads up. You’re just lucky I’m smart enough to figure this stuff out on my own. What would have happened if I’d kissed you or grabbed your hand or something?"

He shrugged and leaned back against the passenger seat, covering his face with his hands. "I don’t know, I guess I didn’t think that far ahead. I wasn’t expecting you to show up here."

"Obviously," I shot back, not bothering to hide the hurt in my voice. He didn’t want me there because he didn’t want to have to admit to his mom that he needed me there. That was messed up, even for Josh. Hell, that was messed up for me. "Look, would it make it easier if I left?"

"No," he answered fast enough to make me feel a little better. Not much, but it was a start. He grabbed my hand and ran his thumb over my knuckles, and I had to bite the insides of my cheeks not to react to even that. "No, Cooper, stay. I want you to stay."

"Alright, I’ll stay. But does this mean I really do have to sleep on the couch?"

He smiled a little and squeezed my hand tighter before he let go and settled back in his seat again. "No, you don’t have to sleep on the couch."

"Good," I said, holding back the smile that was trying to break through. "I’d kiss you now but I don’t want any of your neighbors to see and start calling your mom."

I knew I shouldn’t have said it but that usually doesn’t help me keep my mouth shut. So I wasn’t surprised when his smile faded and he got that wounded puppy look in his eyes again. "I’ll tell her, Cooper. I swear. I just need a little time."

"Sure, Josh," I answered, turning on the ignition again and pulling back onto the street. "Just tell me where we’re going, I don’t know where the hell we are."

He laughed softly and rattled off directions to his sister’s school, but I knew I was gonna have to make him repeat them as soon as I made the first left at the end of the street. I stopped listening pretty much right after his first few words, concentrating on the sound of his laugh and telling myself it was no big deal that his mom didn’t know about us after a whole year together. Maybe he just didn’t tell her stuff like that. Then again, maybe if I was a girl he would have told her already. I’d never really stopped to wonder how long we’d be together, but as I turned in the direction of his sister’s school I found myself wondering if I should be worried.

To Be Continued In

The Other Side Of Sorrow