Title: Rumors

Author/pseudonym: Caroline Crane

Fandom: Dead Man on Campus

Paring: Josh/Cooper

Rating: NC17

Status: new

Archive: yes to list archives

Disclaimers: Not mine, no money is coming my way. I do enjoy borrowing them for my own amusement but that's the only benefit I reap.

Notes: I've been obsessing about this one for about a month so I'd be grateful if you let me know what you think, good or bad.

Summary: Josh and Rachel break up after she does something he can't live with and Cooper's there to pick up the pieces. I know, I've written this plot before. It's not the same fic, I swear.

Warnings: moviefic=moviespoilers. Nuff said. Also this one deals with the issues surrounding abortion but not in a terribly in-depth manner. Still, if that bothers you you may want to pass it up.

Rumors
by Caroline Crane

The sound of something crashing and breaking against linoleum made Cooper flinch as he made his way down the hall toward his room, his steps slowing as he realized that most of the guys on his floor were gathered around his door. "What’s going on?" Cooper asked, his eyes wide as another crash sounded against the closed door of the bedroom he shared with Josh.

"He’s freaking out, man," Zeke answered, his gaze glued on the door as they all waited for the inevitable next crash. "He’s been at it for like twenty minutes."

"Who?" Cooper asked, his forehead furrowed as he listened to something break against the far wall. "Pickle?"

"Dude, that’s Josh," Zeke said, swallowing nervously as Cooper turned shocked eyes toward him.

"Josh? What the hell happened?" Cooper didn’t even register the fear in Zeke’s eyes; in fact he barely focused on his friend’s face as his mind raced, trying to come up with an answer as to what could be wrong with Josh. Pickle he could see snapping, after all he’d tried to off himself their first semester and all. But Josh – he was the level-headed one, he was the responsible guy that everyone went to when they needed to talk about something embarrassing like being homesick. He’d heard the guys say more than once that Josh was so sensitive he could practically be a chick, a comment that made Cooper irrationally furious until he realized they meant it as a strange sort of compliment. He knew it was true anyway, and besides that it didn’t matter right now what anyone thought of him. The fact was there was something wrong, and obviously whatever it was was big. Josh didn’t snap for no reason and start trashing their room.

"Dunno. Hank saw him go in there, said he looked kinda pale. Then he just started breaking stuff."

Cooper looked around at the crowd gathered outside his room for another second, every one of their so-called friends leaning slightly forward as they all waited for the next ear-splitting crash. "Jesus, and nobody even bothered to knock?"

Zeke looked back from the door to flinch when he saw the look on Cooper’s face. "Um…we didn’t want to bother him?"

Cooper rolled his eyes and pushed through the crowd, stopping when he reached the door to listen for the sound of movement in their room. When he was convinced that nothing was going to fly at his head the minute he opened the door he took a deep breath, turning the knob and ignoring the guys behind him craning to get a look inside. He closed the door as quickly as possible and looked around, but Josh wasn’t in the main part of the suite anymore. "Josh?" he called, bracing himself for something to fly at him from the other room.

When no sharp or breakable objects were forthcoming Cooper crossed to the entrance to their bedroom, his eyes wide as he took in the destruction. He only focused on his shattered highball glasses and the remnants of Josh’s coveted math award for a moment before his gaze came to rest on Josh himself, his face in shadow as he stood in front of the window. "Josh?" Cooper repeated, fear hitting him so hard he rocked on his heels when Josh turned to look at him.

His best friend was backlit by the window so it was hard to make out his features, but even in the low light of their bedroom Cooper could make out something thick and wet smeared across Josh’s cheek. "Jesus, what the hell did you do?" Cooper muttered, ignoring the sound of glass crunching under his shoes as he crossed the room and reached up to touch Josh’s face. "Josh, what’s going on?"

"Sorry about your stuff," Josh muttered, his whole body tense as he stood still and let Cooper wipe at the blood on his cheek. He didn’t flinch as Cooper’s fingers explored his skin, didn’t even react when Cooper turned his face to get a better look at the blood-smeared section. When Cooper didn’t find the source of the blood he reached around Josh and turned on the lamp on the desk, searching the other boy until he finally found a long gash across the back of Josh’s hand. Cooper knew something was seriously wrong when Josh didn’t even react to his hands wandering over Josh’s face and arms, stopping reluctantly only when he found the source of the blood. He sighed and shoved his friend gently in the direction of the bathroom, doing his best to ignore the mess Josh had made as he focused on cleaning up the other boy.

When they reached the bathroom Cooper gently pushed Josh down to sit on the toilet, glancing around to make sure there weren’t any breakable objects near him before he started digging through cabinets. When he finally found some cotton gauze and a bottle of antiseptic he crossed back to Josh, stopping in front of his friend and staring at him for a long moment. The smear of blood on Josh’s cheek must have come from him wiping his face with the back of his hand, and judging from the tear tracks and the red rimming Josh’s eyes Cooper could only assume he’d been wiping away tears. Josh still hadn’t said anything except for the mumbled apology, though, and Cooper was starting to wonder if his friend was in shock or something. Maybe he should call an ambulance, he didn’t know what the hell to do with Josh if he suddenly went catatonic.

Finally the other boy looked up at him, his gaze focusing on Cooper for the first time since he found Josh breaking everything that wasn’t nailed down. "I’m okay," he said, and Cooper could only guess he was trying to sound reassuring. Instead he just sounded pathetic, and the sound of his friend’s plaintive voice tugged at Cooper’s heart harder than the sight of Josh bleeding.

"Yeah, of course you are," Cooper answered, doing his best to grin reassuringly as he knelt on the linoleum in front of the other boy. He ignored the cold tiles digging into his kneecaps and reached for Josh’s hand, holding it still as he reached for the gauze he’d soaked in antiseptic. "Hold still."

Josh winced and let out a low hiss as the antiseptic hit his open cut, trying to jerk his hand out of Cooper’s grip. After a moment he gave up and let his shoulders fall forward a little more, letting Cooper clean the cut and cover it with fresh gauze. It wasn’t much but Cooper chose to take it as a good sign that at least Josh had reacted to the pain, that and the fact that he was talking a little gave Cooper hope that he wasn’t having a serious meltdown. He wet a washcloth he didn’t even know they owned and cleaned the blood off Josh’s face, forcing himself not to linger on his best friend’s skin as he struggled to focus on what was bothering Josh and not how being so close to his friend made him feel.

"Josh," he finally said when he was satisfied that he’d cleaned him up as well as he could, "what’s going on?"

"I…oh Jesus, Cooper," Josh muttered, standing up and shaking his head to chase away whatever thought had just passed through his mind. For a second when Cooper asked what was wrong he’d looked right at his friend, his eyes focused steadily on Cooper’s face with such horror that for a second Cooper thought Josh might be sick. Then his friend pushed past him toward the bedroom, only to stop when he reached the bathroom door. "Holy shit."

Cooper stood up and followed Josh, watching his friend warily as Josh made his way through the remains of their room. He tried to ignore the sound of what used to be his wet bar crunching under Josh’s shoes, praying belatedly that his roommate hadn’t found his spare bong and used that to work out his aggression too. As soon as Josh sat down on his bed Cooper forgot all about his breakables, though. Josh still wasn’t making a sound, but as his shoulders slumped forward they began to shake and when Cooper sat down next to him he could see the tears streaming down his best friend’s face.

"Josh, come on," Cooper murmured, reaching out without even thinking and pulling his best friend’s shaking form into his chest. Somebody had to have died or something, either that or Josh got kicked out of school. He didn’t see how the latter was possible, though – Josh had been going to therapy like they said he had to and he’d been acing all his classes. He hadn’t even missed a day of work study since he saved them both from getting kicked out, there was no reason they’d just take away his scholarship. So someone was dead, that was the only explanation. Instantly Cooper thought of Josh’s mother, or maybe his kid sister. "What the hell happened? Is it your mom?"

Josh shook his head against Cooper’s shoulder, he didn’t offer any other explanation but Cooper took small comfort from the fact that at least Josh had heard the question. He tightened his grip on Josh’s shoulders and reached up with his other hand to run his fingers through his best friend’s hair, hoping that at least he wasn’t making things worse. Comfort definitely wasn’t something he had a lot of experience with, in fact until Josh the simple act of caring about somebody else’s problems wasn’t something he ever thought would apply to him. Seeing his normally level-headed best friend on the verge of totally losing it was a surreal experience, and he didn’t know whether to demand answers or just let Josh tell him when he was ready.

Finally Josh’s shoulders stopped shaking quite so violently and he sniffed, his face burrowing a little further into Cooper’s neck. "I’m okay," he said again, although from the way his voice broke on two simple words it was obvious he was far from okay. "I’m just really tired."

"Yeah, okay," Cooper answered, his breath catching painfully as he felt Josh begin to pull away from him. His grip tightened automatically and he eased them both down onto Josh’s pillow, part of him wondering if this was such a good idea. The part of him that was terrified to let go of Josh before he knew what was wrong won out, though, and he stifled a relieved sigh when Josh didn’t try to pull away or ask him what the hell he thought he was doing. He knew he could blame it on fear that Josh was going to start freaking out again, if Josh asked he could just tell him that he was worried. But even though he hated to admit it even to himself, part of it was that he didn’t get that many chances lately to be this close to Josh. They were still as close as ever, maybe even closer than when they’d been scheming to stay in school. Josh was busy all the time, though, whether it was work or classes or Rachel or even therapy Cooper felt like he barely saw Josh anymore.

Meanwhile Cooper’s life was pretty much the same as it had been before they almost got kicked out – yeah, he went to class more or less regularly and actually did enough homework to keep his head above water, but most of his free time was spent either getting stoned and wondering what Josh was doing or hanging out in their room waiting for Josh to come home. It had gotten so bad that he actually looked forward to Josh coming home to study just so Cooper could breathe the same air as his best friend, and when he realized that he knew he was in way over his head. There was no stopping it, though, he’d never had a prayer. Josh was the kind of guy he’d never have been friends with on purpose, he worried way too much about rules and what was right. Cooper usually steered clear of people like that so he wouldn’t have to think too hard about what he was doing with his life, but he and Josh had been thrown together by whatever twist of fate. Once they got to know each other that was it, Cooper was so far gone so fast that he never even knew what hit him.

He tightened his grip on Josh and listened to his best friend’s breathing slowly begin to slow down and even out, not even bothering to try to ignore the feeling of warm breath hitting his neck. Just being this close to Josh was more than he usually hoped for, and as scared as he was that something was seriously wrong he couldn’t help feeling a little grateful that he got a chance to touch his best friend. He closed his eyes and focused on matching his own breathing to Josh’s, shutting out all the sounds coming from the hallway outside their room as he let himself relax and fall asleep.

~

"Cooper?"

He woke with a start, blinking as he came awake suddenly at the sound of his name. Cooper had never been one to be startled out of sleep, in fact it usually took him a good ten minutes after regaining consciousness to even open his eyes. This time, however, he woke with startling clarity as to where he was and exactly what he was doing there.

"Yeah…what?" he muttered, running a hand over his face even though he didn’t really feel tired. The truth was he felt almost hyper-aware, his nerve endings too close to the surface of his skin as he looked over at the bedroom door and took in Pickle’s concerned expression.

"Um…is everything…is Josh okay?" Pickle asked, his voice meeker than usual as he stuttered the question. His gaze flitted nervously from Josh’s still-sleeping frame back up to Cooper’s eyes, his eyebrows raising for a split second before he caught himself and forced his expression to go blank again.

Cooper looked down at Josh and had to curl his hand into a fist to keep from reaching out to touch his cheek. His lips were parted and his eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks in some dream. He looked, for lack of a better word in Cooper’s surprisingly vast vocabulary, inviting. It wasn’t the kind of inviting he was willing to take advantage of, though. Even Cooper had his limits, as surprised as everyone that knew him would be to find that out. "He’s fine," Cooper finally answered, forcing himself to look back up at Pickle again. "I mean he’ll be fine."

"Man, he took it really hard," Pickle continued, glancing around at the shambles of Josh and Cooper’s bedroom. "I mean we all thought…"

Cooper looked up as Pickle trailed off, forcing himself to stop wondering what Josh was dreaming about as he caught the hesitation in his other roommate’s voice. "Took what hard?"

"Didn’t he tell you? He broke up with Rachel yesterday, it’s all over campus. I mean I just figured…"

As soon as he heard the words ‘broke up with Rachel’ Cooper’s heart sank, his breath catching in his throat at the idea that all of this could be because Josh broke up with his girlfriend. He’d given up hoping awhile ago that Rachel was just some experiment, but he’d never expected Josh to fall apart if they didn’t work out. It didn’t make any sense that he’d be this freaked out just because his girlfriend dumped him. "Did you hear why they broke up?" he asked, glancing up at Pickle again.

"No, I mean people are talking but nothing concrete."

Cooper nodded and shifted a little closer to Josh, beyond caring whether or not Pickle would mention to their friends that he’d found the two of them spooning in Josh’s bed. "See what you can find out, would you?"

"Yeah, sure, Cooper," Pickle answered, casting one more curious glance at his roommates before he started to close the door again.

"Hey, Pickle?"

Pickle stopped with his hand on the doorknob and looked back at Cooper, his expression shifting between nervous and confused.

"You don’t happen to have a broom or anything, do you?"

The blonde’s gaze flitted to the shambles of their bedroom for a second before he turned back to Cooper, his features relaxing into a small smile. "I’ll find one."

"Thanks," Cooper murmured as he settled back onto the pillow, listening to the soft click of the door closing before he wrapped his arm around Josh and pulled him close again. His roommate murmured something and snuggled closer in his sleep, seeking out the warmth of Cooper’s body heat unconsciously. Somewhere in the back of his mind Cooper knew that this was a bad idea, that no matter how out of it Josh was he wasn’t going to be okay with the idea of waking up with his roommate wrapped around him. He knew how weirded out Josh had been when the rumors about the two of them were still going around, and it probably wasn’t going to help that Pickle had just found them in bed together. For a few minutes he lay there and looked down at Josh, debating whether or not he should get up and go back to his own side of the room. He knew it would be better if Josh didn’t wake up to find them still tangled together, but when he started to pull away the other boy shifted with him and suddenly he found himself flat on his back with Josh’s cheek pressed against his shoulder.

He sucked in a sharp breath and reached out with the arm that wasn’t trapped under his best friend’s body, his fingers ghosting over Josh’s cheek and across his slightly parted lips before he forced himself to pull his hand away. Josh’s arm had come to rest on his chest, and Cooper covered the hand that was over his heart with his own and closed his eyes. Okay, so he’d have some explaining to do when Josh finally woke up. For now, though, it made him feel better that at least unconscious Josh was comfortable enough with him to do this. Maybe it didn’t mean anything, but he’d take what he could get.

When he woke up again he had no idea how long they’d been asleep, but he opened his eyes to find himself still tangled up with Josh. They’d shifted during the night so they were facing each other, Josh’s arm draped over his waist and one of Cooper’s arms nestled between them and braced against Josh’s chest. He took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of his best friend and taking a moment to study Josh’s features before he forced himself to pull away. As soon as he started to move Josh’s eyelids fluttered and Cooper froze, holding his breath as he silently prayed his roommate would fall back to sleep. A moment later Josh yawned and his eyes blinked open, however, confusion marring his features as he stared back at Cooper.

"Hey," he murmured, blinking again and then letting his eyes fall closed. "Cooper?"

"Yeah?" Cooper answered, reminding himself to breathe as Josh settled a little further into the pillow.

"Why are you sleeping in my bed?"

"Because you scared the hell out of me last night," Cooper answered, figuring at this point honesty was pretty much the best policy, even if it was only part of the truth. If he was being completely honest he’d have to admit to Josh that part of him had just wanted an excuse to be this close to his roommate, but there was no sense freaking him out before Cooper found out what was wrong with him. "Don’t you remember?"

Josh groaned and squeezed his eyes shut tighter as the memories of the previous day hit him hard, unconsciously burrowing a little closer to Cooper in the process. Cooper swallowed hard and hoped Josh wouldn’t notice how completely turned on he was just from having his roommate pressed up against him in the single bed. He shouldn’t be thinking about how much he wanted Josh anyway, not when something was so obviously wrong. Cooper stifled a sigh and reached out with a shaky hand, pushing a few unruly locks of brown hair away from Josh’s cheek. "You wanna tell me what happened?"

"I broke up with Rachel," Josh mumbled into the pillow, his words so muffled by the cotton that Cooper found himself leaning even closer just to make out what he was saying.

"Okay," Cooper said, telling himself that he should really keep his hands to himself even as his fingers stroked Josh’s cheek soothingly. "That had to be rough, I mean you seemed really into her."

Josh’s breath hitched and caught in his throat and Cooper pulled his hand away from his roommate’s face, pushing away a little to stare down at the other boy. Obviously he was missing something major, because Josh looked like he was trying not to cry again. If he’d broken up with Rachel there had to be a good reason, last he heard Josh was nuts about her. "It’s not just that," Josh whispered, finally opening his eyes again to stare back at his friend.

"Then what? Come on, Josh, you’ve gotta help me out here. I wanna help you but I can’t if you don’t tell me what’s going on. Is she seeing somebody else or something?"

Soft hair tickled Cooper’s neck as Josh shook his head and drew in a shaky breath, steeling himself against the emotions threatening to overtake him. "No, I mean if she was just cheating on me…" He stopped talking and let out a bitter laugh, pulling away from Cooper and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. "Pretty sad, huh? That I wish my girlfriend was cheating on me. Oh…holy shit, Coop, I…" he trailed off as he finally focused on their room and remembered what he’d done the night before.

"Forget it," Cooper said, shaking off the sense of loss he felt when Josh pulled away from him. He sat up and put his arm around his roommate’s shoulders, gently drawing Josh’s attention away from the shambles of their room. "Just tell me what happened."

"She…oh, Jesus, Cooper, she was pregnant."

For a second Cooper’s heart stopped and all he could do was stare back at Josh, his eyes wide as he tried to wrap his brain around the concept of Josh as somebody’s dad. He knew it happened – hell, he was lucky it hadn’t happened to him with the way he’d been going through girls since he got to school. Still, the idea of Josh and Rachel getting into a mess like that…Josh was always so responsible, it just didn’t seem possible. A moment later Josh’s words sank in, though, and he closed his mouth and shook his head. She was pregnant, as in past tense. "What happened?"

Josh shook his head, his eyes filling with tears and blurring his view of the mess he’d made. "She…she didn’t even tell me. I mean, I know we’re in college and it would have been a huge mess, but she didn’t even let me know."

Realization hit Cooper and his stomach twisted, his grip on Josh’s shoulders tightening reflexively. "Jesus, Josh."

"Yeah." Another shaky laugh escaped Josh’s throat as he glanced over at Cooper, his cheeks wet with fresh tears. "She acted like it was no big deal, like I was a jerk for thinking I should have some say in the decision. Like it wasn’t my kid too."

Cooper bit down hard on his tongue to stop himself from asking if it was; even if he had reason to believe that Rachel was cheating on Josh he knew how that question would go over right now, and as much as he resented her presence in Josh’s life he knew Rachel wasn’t cheating on his friend. It was a small campus, that kind of thing was hard to keep a secret for long. He would have heard if she was, so that meant the kid had been Josh’s. He felt a sudden stab of pity followed by a sharp, aching pain in his chest as he realized what this was going to do to his roommate.

"It’s gonna be okay, it’s okay," Cooper whispered, pulling Josh against his shoulder and stroking his hair absently as he began to cry harder. He knew it wasn’t true, there was no way this could ever be okay. There was nothing else to say, though, he had no idea how to comfort his friend and feeling helpless wasn’t something he was used to. Then again he was starting to get used to feeling off balance around Josh, and that scared him almost as much as the fact that his roommate was letting him hold him without even asking why. Cooper wasn’t about to let go, though, not as long as Josh wanted him there.

Part Two

Once he got Josh calmed down enough to push him in the direction of the shower Cooper took a deep breath, scanning the wreck of their room for a long moment as he tried to get a grip on what he was feeling. Part of him wanted to kill Rachel, he was caught between wanting to find her and hurt her as much as she’d hurt his best friend and never wanting to let Josh out of his sight again. Then there was the guilt, the fact that he was the one that had encouraged Josh to get involved with Rachel in the first place. He’d just wanted his friend to be happy, and as far as he could tell Cooper couldn’t offer Josh what he was looking for. So for the first time in his life he hadn’t just gone after what he wanted and damn the consequences – instead he’d settled for being Josh’s friend and spending as much time with him as he could. Behind all that was another emotion, though, one that he didn’t even want to think about because recognizing it hurt too much. He was hopeful, and he hated himself for thinking that Josh’s pain could lead to the thing he’d wanted for months now.

He opened the door to their room and looked around for Pickle, but their other roommate seemed to be making himself scarce. True to his word, though, he’d tracked down a broom and dustpan and left it leaning against the wall next to the door. Cooper smiled and started the task of cleaning up, sweeping fragments of their shattered belongings into a pile in the center of the floor. He hoped that cleaning up the mess Josh had made would distract him from the irrational thought that somehow his best friend’s break-up meant something for them, he knew it was stupid to think that but he couldn’t help wanting it. And he’d never wanted anything more in his life, although he’d never been quite so sure that he couldn’t have what he wanted either. It killed him to be around Josh knowing that his best friend would never think of him that way, but at the same time he couldn’t bring himself to walk away from their friendship.

The sound of soft laughter from behind him jolted him out of his thoughts, and he turned to find Josh leaning in the bathroom doorway watching him. His hair was damp and pushed back from his face, wearing a T-shirt from his high school and a pair of boxers that made him look almost like his old self. Cooper grinned at the slightly bemused look on his friend’s face, a rush of relief hitting him that Josh was laughing about something, even if it was at his expense. "What’s so funny?"

"Sorry, it’s just that I didn’t even think you knew how to use one of those," Josh answered, pushing himself off the doorframe to cross the room. He stopped in front of Cooper and reached for the broom, their gazes locked as Cooper refused to let go. "Come on, Coop, this is all my fault. Let me finish."

Cooper swallowed the urge to point out that actually it was Rachel’s fault, and if anyone should be suffering right now it was her. The force of his anger towards her surprised even him, he’d never really thought much about her aside from the fact that she annoyed him by taking up most of Josh’s free time. He was shocked to find how much he disliked her, but he couldn’t go there right now. Josh wouldn’t understand why Cooper suddenly hated Rachel with everything in him and he had no real desire to explain why he felt that way. "Forget it, I’m almost done anyway. Besides, I know *how* to clean. I just choose not to most of the time." He grinned again and eased the broom out of Josh’s grip, stifling a relieved sigh when Josh shrugged and let him finish.

He did his best not to watch as Josh finished getting dressed, but he couldn’t help noticing the way his friend favored his hand when he pulled his shoes on. "Does it hurt a lot?"

"What?" Josh asked, glancing up with a puzzled expression.

"Your hand. It looked pretty bad last night, I don’t know anything about stitches or that kind of thing though."

Josh glanced down at his hand, frowning for a moment at the angry-looking gash. "Yeah, I mean it hurts a little. Listen, Cooper, thanks. For last night, I mean you were really cool, anybody else would have killed me for what I did to this place."

"It doesn’t matter, Josh." He wanted to tell Josh that he’d never be mad at him, he could break anything he wanted and Cooper wouldn’t even blink as long as Josh was still his best friend. If that was what he needed to do then Cooper would gladly sacrifice whatever he had to help Josh feel better, but he knew he couldn’t say any of that. For one thing he had a sinking feeling that Josh thought he was as selfish as everyone else did, and for another it would come out sounding way too close to ‘I love you’. "It’s just stuff, anyway I was getting tired of those glasses. Gives me an excuse to pick up a new set."

Josh smiled sadly and sank back onto his bed again, letting out a labored sigh as he stared up at the ceiling. "God, I have class in half an hour. How am I supposed to go sit there and listen to a lecture on *Great Expectations* when I can’t stop thinking about it? I mean, damn, how could she just…like it was no big deal?"

Cooper’s heart sank as he watched Josh trying not to cry again, one arm flung over his eyes and his injured hand resting on his chest. Even if he’d thought far enough to tell himself this was a bad idea he wouldn’t have been able to stop himself from crossing the room to sit down next to his friend, struggling against the urge to lie down and pull Josh back into his arms. "What did she say?"

"I stopped listening pretty fast, I mean I didn’t want to hear the gory details, you know? I know it was an accident, we always use protection. But that one time, you know, that one time the stupid condom broke. It never even dawned on me that one time would make such a huge difference."

Cooper turned so he was facing Josh, curling his hands into fists to keep from reaching out and touching the other boy. All he wanted to do was reach out and pull Josh’s hand away from his face, entwine their fingers together and somehow convince him that it was gonna be okay. He didn’t really want to hear about the particulars of Josh and Rachel’s sex life, the visuals that conjured up turned his stomach and even though it was over now he couldn’t ignore the surge of jealousy he felt at the look of despair on Josh’s face. Still, if his friend needed to talk about it Cooper had to listen, he never had a choice where Josh was concerned. "When did this happen?" Cooper asked, his voice quiet as he prayed he wouldn’t upset Josh even more by prodding him for details.

"Well she got pregnant not that long after we got back together," Josh answered, finally pulling his arm away from his face to look up at his roommate. "So that was like two months ago. She knew for about two weeks, then last week she decided to take care of it." His voice broke on the words and he swallowed a sob, squeezing his eyes shut again.

The misery in Josh’s voice made Cooper’s chest tighten, and he had to swallow a lump in his own throat before he found his voice again. "But you just found out yesterday, right?" he asked, hoping Josh wouldn’t notice the strangled quality of his own voice. The thought that Josh might have known about this and not bothered to tell him was almost as bad as what had actually happened. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew his roommate wouldn’t keep something like that from him but the events of the past day were making it hard for him to think straight.

"I could tell something was wrong a few days ago, I kept asking her what was going on but she just kept denying it. Then finally yesterday I guess she just got sick of me asking, or maybe she felt guilty or something, I don’t know. She said she wasn’t ready to deal with something that big, that it would just screw up both our lives so she did the only thing she could do."

"Maybe she had a point," Cooper said softly. As soon as the words escaped his mouth he regretted it, it was exactly the wrong thing to say and he knew better. Josh couldn’t know why part of Cooper was a little relieved that he wouldn’t be tied to Rachel by a kid for the rest of their lives, so the look on his friend’s face when Josh sat up didn’t surprise him. Guilt hit him hard as Josh stared at him, hurt and betrayal and misery shining in his eyes. "Josh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…"

He trailed off as Josh stood abruptly, shaking his head as he headed for the door. "I need to get out of here. I’ve gotta get some air or something. I’ll…I’ll just see you later."

"Josh, wait," Cooper said, but his roommate didn’t even look back. Cooper listened to the sound of the door slamming before he fell back against Josh’s mattress, silently berating himself for being such an idiot. For a little while Josh had needed him, he could have turned to anyone but he’d let Cooper be there for him. He couldn’t let that be enough, though, he had to go and open his big mouth and push away the only person he cared about in the world. A resigned sigh escaped his throat as he let his eyes close and focused on slowing down his rapidly beating heart. Maybe Josh just needed some time to process everything, once he thought things through he’d come back and everything would be okay again. It had to be, because Cooper couldn’t deal with the alternative.

~

Cooper spent most of the day wandering around in a daze, he went to class just for something to do but he didn’t hear anything any of his professors said. His mind was on Josh all day, wondering where he was and what he was thinking about. He just wanted to find Josh and make him understand that he didn’t mean it, he didn’t mean that he was glad Josh’s baby was dead. It was weird to think of it in those terms, one minute their lives were perfectly normal and the next Josh was almost a father. He found himself wondering what Josh and Rachel’s kid would have looked like, if it would have been a boy or a girl and if they would have stayed together to raise it. There was no way they would have been able to stay in school, they probably would have tried but Cooper knew enough about the real world to know how well that would have worked out.

The thought of Josh and Rachel stuck in a marriage because of their kid made his chest ache all over again, and he found himself wondering if that was what Josh wanted. He’d tried to ignore the few times Josh had made noise about actually loving her, telling himself it was just because it was the first real girlfriend he’d ever had. He knew Josh had never had sex before Rachel, so part of him was still kind of hoping that maybe once he got over the initial fascination that he’d realize he wanted something different than what she could offer him. It was stupid to think that he was suddenly going to wake up one day and realize he was gay, the only reason Cooper even let himself wonder was because Josh was so naïve about everything. If Josh had dated at all in high school Cooper would know it was a lost cause, it wouldn’t have stopped him from falling for his best friend but at least he’d know without a doubt where he stood.

Did he really love her so much that he would have married her, dropped out of college and raised a kid with her? He had a sudden flash of the two of them in some dingy little house somewhere in Indiana, Rachel taking night classes and trying to work on her writing between bottles and diaper changes while Josh worked his way up to assistant manager of the bowling alley. For the first time he realized how much time he’d wasted in his own life, he’d grown up with everything and he’d always taken his own future for granted. Even if it was him that knocked up some girl instead of Josh he knew his father would take care of it, whether it was a fat payoff quietly delivered to the girl or arranging to make the problem just go away he knew it would be taken care of. The thought made his stomach turn and he filled his lungs too fast, bracing himself against the urge to throw up.

He was so busy trying not to lose it that he didn’t notice when Pickle stopped next to him, his forehead furrowed as he took in Cooper’s paler than usual skin. "Cooper? You okay?"

"What? Oh, yeah," Cooper answered, letting out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding as he turned to look at his roommate. "Listen, Pickle, have you seen Josh today?"

"No, I thought…" Pickle trailed off and frowned, shifting nervously as he thought better of whatever he’d been about to say. "Maybe he’s with Zeke and Hank, they said something about having some people over later."

"Yeah, maybe. Thanks, Pickle, I’ll check with them."

"Sure, no problem," Pickle said, adjusting his backpack on his shoulder as he began backing away from his roommate. Before he took more than a few steps Cooper’s hand closed around his shoulder, though, and he stopped with a resigned sigh and turned back to his friend.

Cooper frowned as he watched Pickle fidget, wondering vaguely why his roommate seemed so nervous. "Before you take off I wanted to ask you what you heard about last night. You know, what people are saying."

"Um, the thing is, Cooper," Pickle began, glancing nervously around to make sure no one was within earshot. They were standing in front of the dorm, but most people were done with classes and on the way to dinner already and for once the sidewalk was more or less deserted. "You know how people talk. I mean it’s just talk, it doesn’t mean anything."

"Pickle, please. It’s important," Cooper pleaded, releasing his grip on the smaller boy. "Nobody’s saying anything to me, so I have a pretty good idea what they’re saying already."

Pickle let out a heavy sigh and squared his shoulders, forcing himself to meet Cooper’s gaze. "Well some people are still hung up on that rumor about you and Josh from last semester. I mean we all know it’s not true," he added quickly, flushing slightly as he looked down at the ground between them. "Some people think that Rachel dumped Josh because she found out you and him were…"

Cooper bit back a laugh at the expression on his roommate’s face, struggling not to grin at the idea of Rachel catching him and Josh in a compromising position. Maybe he should have worked a little harder on Josh a few months ago, if he had they wouldn’t be in this mess now. Any urge to laugh faded when that thought occurred to him and he shook his head, forcing himself to focus on Pickle again. "What else?"

Pickle swallowed and looked up again, eyes wide behind his glasses as he waited for Cooper to react to the rumor. When he realized his roommate wasn’t going to pound him for saying it out loud he started breathing again and did his best to relax. "I heard that Josh dumped Rachel for you but you didn’t want to be exclusive so he freaked out and trashed all your stuff. I think somebody said something about him just snapping, too much pressure from school and all. People think he might try to kill himself again. Oh, and a few of the girls said that Rachel’s been acting kinda weird for awhile now, they thought maybe she was pregnant or something but her roommate heard them and shut them up fast." He stopped talking and frowned again, searching his memory for anything he might have left out. "I think that’s it."

"Okay, thanks," Cooper answered distractedly, his mind racing as he tried to decide which of the rumors would hurt Josh the least. The last one was definitely out, he knew Josh wouldn’t want the whole school knowing the truth. They’d already been through the gay rumor, so at least if people latched onto that one he knew Josh could handle it.

"Um, Cooper?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you…I mean, is Josh…what did happen?"

Cooper sighed as he focused on Pickle again, trying to decide what he could tell his roommate without making things worse. Pickle was a good guy, Cooper knew he was trustworthy for the most part and he’d been a big help without asking a lot of questions. "Josh is fine. We’re fine," he finally answered, holding his breath as he let what he wasn’t saying sink in. Pickle’s eyes widened briefly before he forced his expression to go blank again, and Cooper let out the breath he’d been holding. Maybe it wasn’t the best solution, but it wasn’t like he had much choice. He’d protect Josh any way he could, even if that meant adding fuel to a rumor that wasn’t entirely true.

He waved goodbye and walked past Pickle without waiting for a reaction, letting himself into the dorm and making his way to Zeke’s room. He hesitated for a moment before knocking, frowning as he realized his hands were shaking. That was weird – he couldn’t remember the last time he’d actually been nervous about anything. Then again the past 24 hours hadn’t exactly been normal, so maybe it was a stress reaction or something. He shrugged it off and knocked, grabbing the knob and pushing the door open when he heard Zeke’s voice. The room was filled with thick, sweet smoke that Cooper would recognize anywhere, and as he scanned the faces of his friends he found himself hoping that Josh wasn’t there after all. He wanted to find his roommate and somehow make Josh forgive him for being such an insensitive jerk, but the thought of Josh turning to his other friends for help forgetting bothered him.

Not that he had anything against a little recreational drug use to ease the pain, but aside from a couple weeks their first semester Josh wasn’t the type to turn to pot to forget and Cooper hated the thought of him being so low that he’d go against his own better judgement. When his gaze came to rest on his best friend leaning back against Zeke’s bed his heart fell, but he did his best to keep his expression neutral as he let himself into the room and closed the door. "Hey guys," he said, forcing himself to look at Zeke before he turned back to Josh again.

"Hey, Cooper, sorry we started without you, man," Zeke said, automatically reaching for the bong to repack it. "Don’t worry, though, there’s still plenty left for a second round."

"Thanks, but I’m gonna pass tonight," Cooper said, pointedly ignoring the look of shock on Zeke’s face. "I’m just looking for Josh."

"Well you found him. Hey, Josh," Zeke said, all the guys in the room turning in unison to look at Josh as he blinked and slowly opened his eyes. "Not sure how he’s doing, he hasn’t said much since he got here."

Cooper nodded and watched as Josh slowly focused on him, frowning slightly as he pushed himself up and started across the room. He held his breath as Josh stopped in front of him, waiting for his roommate to tell him to get lost or that he didn’t need a babysitter. When Josh didn’t say anything Cooper braced himself and reached out, letting one hand come to rest on his roommate’s shoulder. Josh sighed at the contact and turned toward the door, seemingly willing to let Cooper lead him wherever he wanted. He swallowed hard against the images that conjured up and steered Josh ahead of him, pulling the door open and pushing his roommate into the hall. When they were out of sight of their friends Cooper stopped and turned toward Josh again. "Are you hungry?"

"Tired," Josh answered, his voice thick and his eyelids fluttering as he struggled to focus on Cooper.

"Okay," Cooper said, taking a deep breath to try to control the pounding of his heart against his rib cage. He wasn’t sure what to make of Josh swaying in the hallway, blinking at him as though he wasn’t sure who he was even talking to. In a way he wished Josh was still mad at him, at least that way he’d know for sure that his roommate knew who he was. This pathetic, helpless side of his best friend was something he wasn’t sure he could deal with, at least not without making it worse. "Okay, let’s get you to bed."

Josh nodded and let Cooper push him gently into their room, moving on automatic pilot toward their bedroom. Cooper caught up with him just in time to stop Josh from falling just short of his bed, guiding his friend as carefully as he could onto the mattress and easing him down onto his pillows. He pulled off Josh’s shoes and set them next to the bed, smiling in spite of himself as Josh sighed and turned onto his side. Cooper told himself to get up and walk away, go down to the cafeteria or back to Zeke’s room or anything to get his mind off of Josh for awhile. At least he knew his roommate was safe now, that was all he’d been telling himself he wanted all day. So he should be able to go back to his own life – the only problem was that somewhere along the way his life had gotten so wrapped up in Josh’s that he wasn’t sure where he ended and his friend began. He reached out and brushed a few stray strands of hair away from Josh’s forehead, pulling away reluctantly when Josh murmured in his sleep.

~

When Josh woke up the next morning Cooper was already dressed, his hair still damp from his shower and his book bag sitting next to him on his bed. Josh frowned and sat up, blinking away the last traces of sleep to focus on the sight of his roommate. For a second he wondered if he’d slept through the whole morning, maybe the pot he’d smoked the night before had knocked him out completely. He looked over at his alarm clock and shook his head, wondering if maybe the power had stopped overnight or something. No way was Cooper awake at 7:00 am. "Cooper? What’s going on?"

"Nothing, just getting dressed. You feeling okay?"

"I think I’m hallucinating," Josh muttered, running a hand over his face and missing the look of momentary panic in Cooper’s eyes.

"What’s wrong?" Cooper asked, standing up and crossing to Josh’s side of the room before he had time to think it through. He was at his friend’s side in an instant, his hands coming up to grip Josh’s face as he searched his roommate’s eyes for signs that the pot or something else had done permanent damage. "What did you take last night?"

Josh laughed and reached up to pull Cooper’s hands away from his face, shaking his head as he registered for the first time how much he’d scared his roommate over the past two days. "I’m fine, Coop. It’s just that I don’t think you’ve ever gotten out of bed before 10:00 am in your life. Are you sure *you’re* okay?"

Cooper let out a shaky sigh, caught between relief that Josh was making even lame jokes and anger that his friend seemed bent on giving him a heart attack before the weekend. "What, I was hungry. Skipped dinner last night, and so did you. So get up and get dressed, we’ll get some food before your first class."

He stood up without waiting for an answer and went back to messing around with his textbooks, ignoring Josh while the other boy pulled some clothes out of his drawers and disappeared into the bathroom. When Josh reappeared twenty minutes later he was showered and dressed, but he was still eyeing Cooper warily. Cooper decided it was best to ignore the fact that his friend seemed to be waiting for him to explode or something; he was just thankful that Josh seemed to be over being mad at him, and even if it took Josh thinking he was crazy he was going to make sure nothing else happened to upset his friend.

"Ready? Great, I’m starving. Let’s go."

Josh frowned but followed Cooper out of the room, stopping only long enough to pick up his backpack before they made their way down to the cafeteria. They didn’t talk while they went through the line, but once they had their breakfast Josh followed Cooper to a table near the back of the room and sat down across from him. Cooper could feel his roommate’s eyes on him, but he didn’t look up to see Josh puzzling over what had gotten into him. Granted he wasn’t usually a morning person, in fact when he’d gotten out of bed his entire body had demanded rather loudly that he go right back to bed before he hurt himself. What he didn’t tell Josh was that he hadn’t gotten any sleep all night so there was no point in just lying there until a more reasonable hour.

The truth was that he’d spent the entire night wide awake, staring up at the ceiling and listening to his roommate breathe while he worked on a way to get Josh to forgive him. He knew Josh was probably still hurt about the comment he’d made, and even if he realized eventually that Cooper didn’t mean it the way it sounded Cooper was still going to feel bad about it forever. The last thing he’d planned on doing was actually making Josh feel worse, especially so soon after it happened. Maybe once he had a little time to get over the worst of the pain he’d be ready to talk about it, to see that maybe Rachel made the only choice she could for herself.

He rolled his eyes when he caught himself actually defending Rachel, reminding himself that he was supposed to hate her. And anyway she should have told Josh, even if she planned to go through with it no matter what he still had a right to know. It wasn’t like Josh would have been able to stop her, he probably would have made her feel worse about her choice but Josh just had that affect on the people that cared about him. Cooper was used to his high moral standards by now, and if Rachel really cared about him the way she claimed she would have thought about that before she did what she did.

"Cooper, you okay?" Josh’s voice cut through his train of thought, sending an involuntary shiver down his spine as he looked up and met his best friend’s concerned gaze.

"Yeah, fine. Why?" he asked, picking up a piece of toast and staring at it for a second before he set it back down again. "Not as hungry as I thought I was, that’s all."

"You look like you’re thinking about killing somebody," Josh answered, his forehead furrowed as he watched Cooper pick at his breakfast. "You’re not plotting murder again, are you?"

Cooper laughed, hoping it didn’t sound as hollow to Josh as it did to him. "Nah, and anyway I wouldn’t do that to Pickle. He’s actually a pretty cool guy once you get to know him."

"Yeah…yeah, he is," Josh murmured, his gaze still locked curiously on Cooper’s face as his friend avoided making eye contact. He never thought he’d hear Cooper actually admit to liking Pickle, as far as he knew Cooper only tolerated their other roommate’s presence because he felt bad about almost letting him die. He definitely didn’t realize they’d spent any time conversing, let alone forging some kind of bond. "Well I gotta get going, class starts in ten minutes."

"Yeah, right behind you," Cooper said, standing up and picking up his tray. Josh watched him walk to the window and set his tray down on the rack with the other dirty breakfast trays, forgetting all about class again as he tried to figure out what Cooper was up to. When his roommate made his way back to the table to pick up his book bag Josh was still staring at him quizzically. Cooper leaned toward him and reached out, tapping his forehead with one finger. "Hey, Josh, you in there or what? What’s the problem?"

"Oh, uh, nothing, just thinking," Josh muttered, standing up and grabbing his tray. He set it down near the others and took a deep breath before he turned toward the entrance to the cafeteria, freezing again when he realized Cooper was standing in the doorway watching him. Something was definitely going on, as far as he knew Cooper didn’t even have a class until 11:00. Finally he shrugged and made his way over to his roommate, doing his best to look neutral as he followed Cooper out of the dorm. If he let Cooper follow him around for awhile eventually his roommate would convince himself that Josh was okay, and then things would get back to normal.

And he would be okay, he had to be because if he didn’t pull himself together he was going to lose his scholarship and then it wouldn’t matter why Rachel had done what she did. She’d go on with her life, graduate from college and have a career as a writer or whatever. If he got kicked out there was nothing to fall back on, though, he didn’t even have the option Cooper did of going home to work for his father. All he had was this one shot, and if he couldn’t pull himself together and move on he was going to throw his whole future away. He swallowed against the lump in his throat and let out a shaky sigh, struggling to hold in the tears that were threatening again.

A hand on the small of his back made him glance sharply to his right, only to find Cooper watching him with a mixture of fear and sadness in his eyes. He tried to smile reassuringly but he must have ended up just looking pathetic because Cooper sighed and stopped both of them. He let his roommate steer him off the sidewalk toward the side of the building they’d stopped in front of, looking everywhere but at his friend’s face as he waited for the urge to cry to go away. "Maybe you should take the day off. I mean skipping classes one day isn’t gonna make a difference, your teachers will just think you’re sick or something."

"No," Josh said automatically, although as soon as Cooper said it out loud there was nothing he wanted more than to go back to the dorm and go back to sleep. "I’ve gotta turn in a paper and I have a big test in Bio next week, if I skip class today I’ll miss the whole review."

Cooper sighed but he didn’t try to argue, he knew better than to think he could actually talk Josh into skipping a test review. He could maybe talk Josh into letting him hand his paper in for him, but there was no way Josh would skip a test review even though he could probably pass the test in his sleep. "Yeah, alright," he finally relented, hesitating for another long moment before he finally stepped out of Josh’s way. "I’ll see you later then."

Josh nodded mutely and took a deep breath, part of him wishing Cooper had tried a little harder to talk him into going back to the dorm. Maybe Cooper would even have gone with him, he couldn’t ask his roommate to keep taking care of him but it made him feel better just to know that someone was there. He didn’t want Cooper to feel like he had to give up his life to take care of him, though, his roommate’s attention span wasn’t that great and eventually he’d get tired of hanging around watching Josh mope. He ignored the way his chest tightened at that thought and headed toward the stairs that would lead him into the building where his English class was held. When he reached the heavy double doors that led into the building he turned around to find Cooper still watching him, and he had to stop himself from turning around and asking Cooper to blow off his own classes and just go back to the dorm with him.

Instead he forced himself to smile and wave before letting himself into the building, doing his best not to think about how pathetic he must look to make Cooper follow him around campus. His roommate kept looking at him like he was about to break, and even though he felt like he might he didn’t want everyone feeling sorry for him. Cooper was one thing, it wasn’t so bad to have his roommate taking care of him but the idea of everyone on campus knowing made his stomach turn. He took a seat in the back of his classroom and looked around, his mind racing as he tried to decide whether or not people were staring at him. He felt branded somehow, like everyone would be able to look at him and know exactly what happened. When he didn’t find anyone staring he let out a deep breath and sank a little further into his seat, thankful that at least he didn’t have any classes with Rachel.

He made it through English and his Bio review without thinking too much about the events of the past few days, but by the time his second class was over he wasn’t sure he’d make it through the few hours he had to put in at the housing office that afternoon. By the time he got up to leave he was the last person left in the classroom, and he let out a sigh as he wondered how out of it he’d been to not even notice everyone else leaving. He ran his hands through his hair and picked up his backpack, hoisting it onto his shoulder as he made his way into the hall. As soon as he stepped out of the classroom he stopped walking, his eyes wide as he watched Cooper stand up from his spot on the floor.

"Hey," Cooper said, picking up his bag and crossing the few feet between them. "Thought you might want to get some lunch."

"Yeah, sure," Josh answered, his forehead furrowing in what was becoming a familiar expression. "I thought you had class right now."

"I’ve got like 45 minutes," Cooper answered, glancing down at his watch for affect. "Figured if you were done we could hook up."

He was too busy trying to figure out how Cooper knew where his class was and when it ended to do anything but follow his roommate to the student union, barely noticing when they got in line and Cooper set a tray in front of him. He managed to focus long enough to order his food and take it from the woman behind the counter, and he was still too confused to remember to argue when Cooper paid for both their lunches. It wasn’t until they found a table in the center of the dining area that he finally found his voice again. "Cooper, are you sure you’re okay?"

"Yeah, I’m fine," Cooper answered, shrugging nonchalantly as he reached for his soda. "Why?"

"You’ve been acting kinda weird all day," Josh said, glancing around to make sure no one was listening before he continued. "I mean I’m okay, if that’s what you’re worried about. Not that I don’t appreciate it."

For a second Cooper just stared back at him, his expression unreadable, but just as Josh started to get uncomfortable under the steady gaze Cooper shrugged again and looked back down at his sandwich. "Just having lunch with my best friend."

Josh stared at him for another minute before he finally realized what he was doing and looked down, pushing his pasta around his plate with a fork. He knew now that Cooper was babysitting him because he felt sorry for him, and the worst part was that he didn’t really mind. He should be insulted that Cooper thought he needed a bodyguard, or at the very least annoyed that his friend was following him around. He couldn’t even bring himself to be mad at Cooper for what he’d said yesterday, though, he hadn’t forgotten it but when Cooper put his arm around him and looked at him like he was afraid Josh was going to break he just couldn’t stay mad. He’d never had a friend like Cooper before, he wasn’t sure there was anyone else quite like Cooper in the world but he was positive he didn’t want to screw up what they had. It was nice to be able to talk to his roommate about stuff that most guys wouldn’t understand, to wake up with Cooper wrapped around him and not have to feel weird about it.

Somewhere in the back of his mind was a voice telling him that maybe he should feel weird about it, but when he woke up with Cooper pressed up against him he forgot about why he was so upset for a little while. It felt almost right to let his friend comfort him, he’d never been that close to a friend before but he had to admit he liked it. Cooper’s behavior so far today was making him a little nervous, but only because he was afraid that Cooper felt obligated to stay close to him. He didn’t want that, no matter how much he enjoyed having his friend hanging around he didn’t want it if it was just pity. Still, if Cooper was determined to stick close to him he wasn’t going to complain any more. He’d offered him an out and Cooper hadn’t taken it, that was all he could do.

Part Three

Josh wasn’t surprised to find Cooper waiting for him when he finished his shift at the Housing Office, although he had to remind himself not to thank his roommate for looking out for him. He wasn’t sure why but he got the impression that if he brought Cooper’s attention to the fact that he was following Josh around he’d embarrass his friend, and he didn’t want to do anything to make Cooper stop. If anyone had asked him he wouldn’t have been able to explain why, but even though he didn’t really need Cooper to follow him around he kind of enjoyed it. It was just because they hadn’t been spending much time together lately, at least that’s what he’d been telling himself all afternoon. He’d let himself get so wrapped up in his relationship with Rachel and his schoolwork that he’d been neglecting their friendship, and he was just lucky that Cooper hadn’t given up on him completely.

He grinned to himself when Cooper slid an arm around his shoulders and promised himself he wasn’t going to let a girl come between them again. "You go to class today?" Josh asked, raising his eyebrows as he glanced over at Cooper.

"Yeah, I managed to work it into my schedule," Cooper answered with a bemused grin. "Gotta keep the GPA up so Flushels doesn’t force me into an early career in the plumbing industry, you know."

Josh smiled back, barely managing to stifle a laugh at the thought of Cooper climbing the corporate ladder. He wasn’t sure what exactly his best friend’s ideal career would be, in fact he couldn’t remember Cooper ever talking about what he wanted to do. He seemed to just accept the fact that he’d be working for his father eventually, maybe he figured that was as good a career as any other.

He followed Cooper back to the dorm to drop off their school books before they made their way back down to the cafeteria, repeating their strange breakfast together as Josh followed Cooper through the line. When Josh turned to look for Cooper he expected his roommate to be sitting with their friends already, he’d seen Zeke and Jerry on the way in and he assumed Cooper would want to talk to them about what was going on over the weekend. When he finally spotted Cooper he was sitting by himself, however, his gaze locked on Josh as he watched his roommate make his way across the dining room.

"The guys are over there," Josh said as he slid into the seat across from Cooper.

"Yeah, I saw them," Cooper answered, casting a quick glance in the direction Josh indicated before he turned back to his friend. "If you want we can go sit with them."

"No, I mean this is cool." Josh flushed and looked down at his tray, part of him dying to ask Cooper why he was deliberately avoiding everyone but Josh. The rest of him was pretty sure he didn’t want to hear the answer, though, so he let it go and resolved to enjoy all the time he could with his best friend’s undivided attention. Cooper was bound to get sick of babysitting eventually, and Josh knew that he was a little too intense for Cooper to put up with for long. So he’d take what he could get and once it was over maybe he’d figure out a way to fit into the rest of Cooper’s life. "You know I realized earlier that I’ve never even asked you what you’re planning to major in."

Cooper looked up at the question, surprise etched in his features as he stared back at Josh. "My major? Business, I guess. I mean that’s what Flushels is paying for."

"Yeah, but you don’t really want to work for your dad for the rest of your life," Josh reminded him. He was probably the only person that knew stuff like that about Cooper, half the time he figured that was why Cooper needed breaks from him every so often. Lately the breaks had just started to outnumber the time they spent together, and he wasn’t sure if Cooper was relieved by that or disappointed. "I mean isn’t there something you’d rather do? If you had a choice."

"I don’t have a choice, so what does it matter?" Cooper pointed out, one eyebrow raised as he reached for his soda. "Being a Frederickson is like joining the Army. They pay for your education, they expect you to do your time. So I owe Flushels at least the same amount of time he’s spent supporting me. At least that’s the way he sees it."

"That’s bullshit," Josh said before he could stop himself. He knew Cooper would agree with him but they’d never really talked about his family before and he wasn’t sure how far he could push it before Cooper got mad. "I mean it’s not like you asked to be born. He’s your father, he had to support you. If he wanted to kick you out when you were eighteen that’s one thing, but until then you were his responsibility, right? So you should have a say in what you do with the rest of your life."

Josh wasn’t sure what he was expecting, if he thought Cooper would defend his father or if he’d just change the subject completely. He wasn’t expecting Cooper to grin at him over the top of his glass, his dark eyes focused on Josh as though he was really seeing him for the first time. Or maybe that was just the first time Josh had really watched Cooper watching him before, he wasn’t sure. Either way he wasn’t prepared for the shiver that ran down his spine or the way his cheeks suddenly felt hotter than they had a few seconds before. If Cooper noticed him blushing he didn’t say anything, though, he just shook his head and turned back to his dinner.

"You don’t know my father," he finally answered. "I mean not really, you saw him once and he made a bang-up first impression. But that wasn’t even close to how he gets when you try to stand up to him. I mean if I thought he’d just disown me or something I could live with it, but that’s not his style."

"So what would he do if you told him what he could do with his company? Have you killed?" Josh laughed at the absurdity of the idea, but as soon as he saw Cooper’s face the laughter died in his throat. "Cooper, you’ve gotta be kidding me."

Cooper shrugged and dropped his voice, glancing around to make sure that nobody was listening before he leaned a little closer to Josh. "Did I ever tell you about my older brother?"

"You have an older brother?" Josh said, raising one eyebrow skeptically as he leaned in to catch what Cooper was saying.

"Not anymore."

For a second Josh was horrified, but as soon as he caught the corners of Cooper’s lips twitching he scowled and sat back in his chair. "You are such an asshole," he muttered, a fresh blush creeping into his cheeks as he listened to Cooper laugh at him.

"I’m sorry, Josh, really I am. It’s just the look on your face…" Cooper trailed off as he struggled to stop laughing, shaking his head as he gasped for air. "I mean come on, not even Flushels would go that far."

Josh didn’t answer, he just pushed his tray away and glanced around the cafeteria, looking at everything but Cooper. He hadn’t believed him, not really anyway. But the one time he’d met Mr. Frederickson the man had been out for blood, and he didn’t understand how Cooper could put up with a dad like that. Not that he had much choice unless he wanted to find a way to support himself, and the thought of Cooper taking care of himself was laughable.

"Come on, Josh. I’m sorry," Cooper said, his voice low and pleading as Josh continued to ignore him. "Look, sometimes it’s just easier to go along with my dad, you know? He doesn’t back down when he thinks he’s right, and it’s not like I had big plans for my future anyway."

Finally Josh looked back over at his friend, most of his embarrassment replaced with sadness as he registered the look on Cooper’s face. He couldn’t be sure, but from the look in Cooper’s eyes he got the feeling that his roommate wasn’t telling him the whole truth. There was a lot he didn’t know about Cooper, and suddenly he was dying to know what he’d had wanted to be before his father decided his future for him. He managed a small smile and let the subject drop for the time being, promising himself that he’d find a way to get Cooper to talk to him eventually. "Here I just assumed your dad built his business up through mob connections or something. I mean if he wanted to have you killed it would be no problem, right?"

Cooper grinned in a way that usually made people wonder what twisted idea had suddenly occurred to him, but after their first few months of living together Josh had almost gotten used to that look. In fact the more time he spent with Cooper the more he kind of liked that grin, it made his friend look like a little kid that had just been turned loose in a deserted amusement park. "Well I’m not saying my dad’s not connected, I’m just saying it’s not his style to have his only son offed. Break a couple limbs, have some of his pals ‘talk some sense into me’, maybe."

Josh laughed and stood up, picking up his tray and making his way toward the front of the dining room. He didn’t have to look back to know that Cooper was right on his heels, he could feel his roommate’s presence. It was kind of comforting having a shadow, he decided. The only question was how long it was going to last before Cooper got bored and went back to his own life.

"So what’s going on tonight?" he asked, part of him surprised to find that he was almost nervous about the answer to that question. It was Friday night, of course Cooper would be going to a party or something. He didn’t know why that thought suddenly bothered him so much, but he wasn’t about to beg Cooper to stay home and hang around with him. It was just because practically for the first time since they started at Daleman he didn’t have a girlfriend taking up his weekend, that had to be the explanation.

As soon as the thought of Rachel surfaced he frowned and shook his head, willing the memories of the past two days back into his subconscious where he’d tried to bury them. He didn’t want to think about her and what they’d lost – what she’d taken from him – any more tonight. He just wanted to forget about it and move on, getting stoned with Zeke and the guys the night before hadn’t worked but maybe he just hadn’t tried hard enough. When he felt Cooper’s arm around his shoulder again he relaxed instantly, leaning subconsciously into the touch as they made their way up the stairs to their room. He was grateful that Cooper didn’t push him to talk about it, but at the same time his friend seemed to sense what was bothering him.

"I think I’m gonna take a night off from partying," Cooper answered as they reached their room. He let his arm fall away from Josh’s shoulders and pushed the door open, leading his roommate inside and into the room they shared. "Getting kinda burnt out, you know? Besides, it’s just the same faces every weekend, it gets boring after awhile. Maybe I’ll just hang around here tonight, watch a movie or something."

As soon as Cooper announced that he wasn’t planning to go out and perform the usual Friday evening ritual of getting plastered and hooking up with some girl Josh let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. He couldn’t explain why but he was relieved at the idea of Cooper hanging out in their room with him, even if it was just because his roommate was worried about him. Either way it meant he got to spend some time with Cooper not thinking about what he’d lost in the past few days, and that was all he really wanted. He knew if he stayed home alone he’d just dwell on it all night and work himself into another fit of rage, or maybe worse this time. So maybe Cooper was just protecting what was left of his belongings, but Josh didn’t really care. As long as his best friend wanted to hang out with him he wasn’t going to complain about the reason why.

~

Three days later Josh was still waiting for Cooper to get sick of hanging around with him, but his friend hadn’t showed any signs yet that he was getting restless. They’d spent the whole weekend together, Cooper hadn’t even let Josh out of his sight when Zeke stopped by to announce the arrival of "some really quality weed". Cooper had just smiled and told Zeke that he was taking a break from partying, ignoring the shocked look Zeke shot him as he nodded and backed out of their room. Even Josh was surprised to hear his best friend turn down the offer of Zeke’s best stuff, but he let it go and never asked Cooper why he was spending his weekend hanging around their room. The only time besides meals that they went anywhere was Saturday night, and that was because Josh suggested they get out of the room for a little while.

Cooper seemed almost reluctant to go out even then, but when Josh announced that he was going out for a beer whether his roommate came or not Cooper was right behind him. By the time Monday rolled around Josh was almost curious enough about what was going on with Cooper to risk pushing him away by asking him what he was up to, but somehow he kept finding excuses to put it off. First they were in a hurry after breakfast because they’d both overslept, then at lunch they ran into Jerry in the student union and he invited himself to eat with them. He didn’t want to bring it up in the cafeteria where someone might overhear them, so Josh didn’t ask at dinner either.

Once they were alone in their dorm room he didn’t have any more excuses, but he still couldn’t bring himself to ask. He sat on his bed with his Biology book open on his lap, pretending to read while he watched Cooper tapping a pencil against the top of his desk. He’d been wondering on and off all weekend if Cooper was actually studying or just putting on a show for Josh’s benefit, but when his roommate sighed and shoved his book away Josh realized that he was actually trying to figure out something. "I hate this stuff," Cooper muttered, frowning at the textbook in front of him. "I don’t get it. When am I ever gonna use Calculus again anyway?"

"Why are you taking Calculus?" Josh asked, forgetting that he was supposed to be studying as he closed his own book and looked over at Cooper.

"It’s a requirement," Cooper muttered, still scowling at his book as though it had personally insulted him. "All Business majors have to take two semesters of it. At this rate I might as well just start packing, though, because I can’t figure this stuff out to save my life."

"Let me see," Josh offered, grinning in spite of himself at the hopeful look Cooper shot him. "I am pretty good at math, you know. Won an award and everything." He laughed when Cooper rolled his eyes and picked up his Calculus book, carrying it over to Josh’s bed and dropping it in his lap. He sat down on the edge of the mattress as his roommate scooted over to make room for him, their shoulders pressed together as Cooper leaned in to point to the chapter that was giving him trouble.

"I mean the professor explained it but I don’t know if I was listening or what. I might have zoned out for awhile during lecture. Anyway I don’t get it, I’m way too stupid for this stuff."

"You’re not stupid," Josh said automatically, glancing over at Cooper long enough to glare reproachfully. "Everybody gets confused by this stuff at first but once you know the formulas it’s not that bad. Look," he continued, jotting notes in the margins of Cooper’s book as he explained how the formula worked. When he was done he dropped the pencil he was holding on top of the book and gestured toward his desk. "There’s a notebook right next to you, work on this problem and when you’re done I’ll take a look at it."

Cooper glanced from him down to his book and then back up again before breaking into a bright grin, his heart skipping a beat as he realized how close he was to his roommate. Maybe he should have gotten up and gone back to his desk to work on the problem, but he couldn’t bring himself to get up and Josh didn’t seem in any hurry for him to leave. "Thanks, Josh," was all he said before he reached for the notebook and turned to an empty page.

"No problem," Josh answered, smiling to himself as he watched Cooper start working out the problem. Finally he realized he was staring and tore his gaze away, picking up his Biology book and turning back to the chapter he’d been trying unsuccessfully to read since Sunday afternoon. The problem was that he was too distracted by wondering what Cooper was thinking to really concentrate on photosynthesis, and now that Cooper was sitting right next to him it was even harder to focus. He stifled a sigh and leaned back against his pillows, unconsciously leaning a little further into Cooper’s shoulder as he started to read chapter eight for the hundredth time.

He’d gotten halfway through the first paragraph four times before Cooper sat up and looked over at him, a nervous expression marring his features as he waited for Josh to stop what he was doing. Josh glanced up in time to watch Cooper bite his bottom lip, swallowing the urge to laugh as he realized he’d never seen Cooper nervous before. Furious, yes, he’d seen Cooper euphoric and he’d even seen him petrified. Never in all the time they’d lived together had he seen his roommate be nervous about anything, though, and it was almost kind of cute. His eyes were wide and he looked all of twelve years old staring up at Josh from behind his glasses. Finally Josh shook off the initial shock and took the notebook from him, looking over the problem and nodding his approval.

"See, I told you you could figure it out," he said as he handed the notebook back to Cooper. "It’s not that hard once you know what you’re doing."

"Maybe you should be a teacher," Cooper said, his expression telling Josh that he was obviously pleased with himself. "You explain this stuff way better than my professor ever does."

Josh laughed and shook his head as he reached for his Biology book again. "I’m not that patient. Try a couple more, the ones at the end of the chapter should be a little harder. That way I can help you if you get stuck."

Cooper began flipping to the back of the chapter as soon as Josh finished talking, reaching for the pencil he’d set down between them when he finished the first problem. For a moment Josh wondered if he’d go back to his desk now that he’d figured out what he was doing, but he found himself almost relieved that Cooper didn’t get up and go back to his side of the room. He wasn’t sure why it should matter whether Cooper was sitting next to him or at his own desk, but it was kind of nice to have his friend right there. Over the past few days they hadn’t touched any more than usual, the occasional arm around his shoulders was pretty much the extent of it. He’d managed not to break down in front of Cooper again so he didn’t have to worry about his roommate rushing to comfort him, although if someone had asked he would have had to admit that he missed even that a little.

He shook his head and gave up on Biology, stifling a frustrated groan as he glanced over at Cooper again. "Why don’t you ever think about your future?" he asked, unconsciously bracing himself for Cooper to stand up and walk away.

"What?" Cooper asked, glancing up and blinking as he focused on Josh again.

"Sorry. I was just wondering. The other day when you were talking about your dad planning out your future for you, you said you didn’t have big plans for it anyway. I mean I just figured everybody thought about their future."

Cooper smiled again and Josh felt some of the tension flow out of him as he realized his roommate wasn’t annoyed at him for bringing it up. The thing was, though, that Cooper looked almost sad about it, like thinking about it bothered him. "Ever since I was a little kid Flushels has been telling me I’m gonna be second in command when I grow up. I’ve always known it, that’s why it never mattered how much I screwed up. I never had to worry about getting good grades or making honor roll or getting math awards or anything because it was already decided. So I just screwed around and pissed him off as much as possible. It was fun for awhile, then it just got to be a habit I guess. I try not to think about it too much."

"So you never wanted to do anything else?"

He shrugged and looked back down at his Calculus book, rolling the pencil between his fingers as he talked. "When I was in junior high, before I started smoking pretty steadily I was actually into the school newspaper." He glanced up and smiled at the look of shock that Josh was struggling to suppress. "It’s okay, I mean you’d never know it now. Even when I was a freshman in high school I wanted to write for the paper, the staff advisor even put one of my articles in for some statewide contest. I told my dad about it and he pretty much blew it off, he didn’t care. I mean it wasn’t about the wonderful world of plumbing so it didn’t register with Flushels, you know? Anyway after that I just started finding ways to piss him off and eventually I forgot all about journalism. Pissing off Flushels became my main goal in life."

"Coop," Josh breathed, part of him wishing he could get his hands on Mr. Frederickson just for five minutes and the rest of him wishing Cooper would just find the courage to tell his father to go to hell. "That completely sucks."

"Just the way it is, Josh," Cooper answered, managing a half-hearted grin as he turned back to his math book. "It doesn’t matter anyway, it’s not like I had this bright future that he killed. I probably would have screwed that up too."

"You’re not a screw-up," Josh insisted, his voice barely a whisper in the relative silence of their room. He wasn’t even sure if he was actually talking to Cooper or if he was just telling himself what he already knew about his best friend, but Cooper looked up anyway. For a second his roommate just stared at him, then suddenly he stood up and cleared his throat.

"I gotta finish this or I’ll get tossed out and Flushels will never let me live it down," he muttered without looking at Josh. He sat down at his desk and opened his book again, studiously ignoring the fact that Josh was staring at his back while he tried to concentrate on his homework.

Josh sighed and picked up his Biology book again, doing his best to ignore the fact that the shoulder Cooper had been pressed against was suddenly too cold. He knew he’d end up pushing too hard if he brought up Cooper’s dad again but he couldn’t help wondering if it was Cooper’s choice to go into the family business or his father’s. Now he had his answer, but he wasn’t sure knowing was worth it.

~

Cooper had no idea what he was doing, but so far Josh hadn’t complained and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to stop even if he wanted to. He just wanted to be near Josh, it didn’t matter if he had to memorize his Calculus book in order to do it. In fact over the past few days he’d realized that studying wasn’t as torturous as he’d always assumed it was. It wasn’t really any fun either, but if he got to sit next to Josh with their shoulders pressed together while he did math problems it wouldn’t be so bad. Only he’d gone and screwed that up too, and now Josh kept looking at him with this weird mixture of pity and confusion that was threatening to drive him insane.

It was so bad by Tuesday afternoon that he thought about easing off a little just for his own sanity, maybe not meeting Josh for lunch every day and letting him go to breakfast by himself once in awhile. He missed getting high, but he knew if he left Josh to study and went to hang out with Zeke and the guys he’d just miss Josh the whole time. Who knew what he’d let slip while he was stoned anyway, so it was safer for everybody involved if he just stayed sober until he was sure Josh was okay. They hadn’t talked about the abortion since that first day, but Cooper could tell Josh was still thinking about it. Every once in awhile he’d get this sad look for a minute, Cooper would pretend not to notice but he’d watch out of the corner of his eye until Josh shook it off.

Spending so much time together was a risk, that much was obvious from what almost happened the night before. As soon as he realized that he was actually contemplating kissing Josh Cooper had stood up and gone back to his side of the room as fast as he could, but it was too close for him to ignore. The thing was that part of him still wished he had, he couldn’t help wondering if Josh would have freaked out or if he would have kissed Cooper back. The past few days had completely messed with his head, he was getting to the point that he was actually wondering if Josh was maybe a little interested in him too. If Josh would shrug out of his arm when Cooper put his arm around him or if he’d pushed Cooper off his bed the night before he might not be wondering, but Josh actually seemed to want him close and it was getting confusing.

He knew he needed to put distance between them just to keep his sanity, but when he got to his afternoon class on Tuesday he decided he couldn’t do it. He’d been so focused on his roommate over the past few days that he hadn’t realized how bad the rumors had gotten but he couldn’t let them get back to Josh. When he’d first started following Josh around like a puppy he’d expected everyone to assume they were sleeping together, that was the plan after all. What he didn’t expect was for the truth to get tied up in the rumor and twisted around into something that he knew would kill Josh.

He should have known that part of the truth would get out eventually, there was no way Rachel would be able to hide an abortion forever. If the girls in her dorm were talking the day after Josh broke up with her it was only a matter of time, and if Cooper had thought it through he would have realized that. He was too focused on protecting Josh to actually use his brain, though, and now there were rumors going around that Rachel had an abortion because she found out about him and Josh. There was another one that the kid wasn’t even Josh’s to begin with, but he knew no one would believe that. Even if they did it wouldn’t hurt Josh any less anyway, so he just had to make sure his roommate didn’t hear any of them. How he was going to accomplish that Cooper had no idea, but he knew it meant he had to keep spending as much time as possible with his best friend.

If he’d been thinking he would have told Pickle to let him know when he heard anything new, but all he’d been worried about at the time was keeping Josh from completely losing it. Now it was too late to do anything besides as much damage control as possible, and hopefully Josh wouldn’t blame him for the fact that everyone thought Cooper was at the center of Josh and Rachel’s break-up.

"Cooper? You okay?" Josh asked, concern shining in his eyes as he walked out of the Housing Office and stopped in front of his roommate. Cooper was waiting for him in the same place as always, but he’d been so lost in thought that he hadn’t even noticed when Josh walked out of the office and crossed the lobby to stop in front of him.

"Yeah, I’m fine," Cooper lied, flashing his friend a grin that he hoped looked convincing as he stood up and turned toward the door. "Just thinking about my Calc test."

"You’ll do fine," Josh told him for the tenth time that day, shaking his head at Cooper’s back as his friend started toward the door. There was something bothering Cooper, but whatever it was he obviously didn’t plan on letting Josh in on it. He couldn’t help wondering if it had something to do with their conversation the night before, Cooper had been acting jumpy ever since Josh pressed him about his future. He sighed and followed his roommate out of the building, wishing not for the first time that he’d just kept his big mouth shut in the first place.

"Listen, Cooper," he said when he caught up with the other boy, "about last night. I’m really sorry, I mean it’s none of my business what you do after college. I was just curious and I got a little carried away."

Cooper glanced over at him, the look of regret in his eyes making Josh’s breath catch in his throat. He’d never seen Cooper look that miserable, even when he thought Josh was going to throw himself off the bridge he hadn’t looked so hopeless. Josh kicked himself mentally for bringing it up again when he could have just let the subject be, but he hated thinking he’d dredged up bad memories or anything.

"Forget it," Cooper finally said, smiling softly. It wasn’t his usual grin or even a mischievous smirk, it was a genuine smile and Josh wasn’t sure if he’d ever seen that look on Cooper before. Then again the past week had held a lot of firsts for their friendship, and he was having trouble dealing with all of them. "I mean I try not to think about it too much but it doesn’t really bother me. Besides, you’re my best friend. Whatever you want to know about me I’ll tell you."

He let the statement hang in the air, part of him half-hoping that Josh would read more into the words than just curiosity about his plans for the future. Not that Josh had any reason to suspect that Cooper was anything other than what he presented himself to be, a reckless stoner with no sense of responsibility. Not to mention the constant stream of women Cooper had paraded in and out of their dorm room in an effort to convince Josh and everyone else that he wasn’t in love with his roommate. He’d never been in love before and he had no idea what to do about it, especially considering Josh had been seriously involved with Rachel practically from the moment they met. He hadn’t even had to work at it, it was like she’d chased him and all Josh had to do was let himself be caught.

Cooper sighed and told himself it would never be that easy for him, he couldn’t just tell Josh how he felt and expect him to suddenly realize that he liked guys. At first Cooper had wondered, Josh was so inexperienced and shy around girls that Cooper hoped that maybe he just hadn’t come out yet. The more he watched Josh with Rachel the less he let himself hope for a sudden turn-around, though, and after what Rachel did to him Cooper figured it would be a long time before Josh was ready to move on.

"If you say so," Josh murmured, frowning as he tried to decide if Cooper was still holding out on him. As they reached the stairs leading up to the dorm he felt a hand land on the back of his neck, an involuntary shiver rocking him at the now-familiar sensation of Cooper’s hands on his skin.

"Really, Josh, don’t worry about it," Cooper said, barely managing to suppress his surprise as he felt Josh shiver under his touch. He didn’t want to think that it meant anything, it was probably just because he’d surprised his roommate. Slowly he pulled his hand away from the warmth of Josh’s skin, but he couldn’t quite stop himself from letting his fingers caress the back of Josh’s neck as he pulled his hand away. Their eyes locked and just for a second he thought he saw a spark of interest there, but he shook his head and told himself to quit projecting. "Let’s just go eat, okay?"

"Sure," Josh answered, not trusting himself to argue. He wanted to talk about it, he wanted to make Cooper tell him the truth even though he knew it wouldn’t help his roommate to admit that he didn’t want to follow in his father’s footsteps. He couldn’t force him to talk about it without his voice breaking, though, not when he was still trying to figure out why the feeling of Cooper’s hand on the back of his neck made his stomach flip.

He followed his roommate up to their room and dropped his backpack on his desk chair, taking a deep breath as he watched Cooper disappear into the bathroom. This was crazy, his friend had touched him a thousand different times in the few months they’d known each other. There was nothing different about this time, it was just because he hadn't been expecting it. That had to be it.

He saw something blinking out of the corner of his eye and turned toward the answering machine, grateful for the distraction as he reached out and pushed play. The sound of his mother’s voice filled the room, prattling on about how proud she was of him and how she hoped that he was feeling okay. When he got to the part about not putting too much pressure on himself to get good grades and to remember to have fun he lost it, sitting down hard on the edge of his bed and covering his face with his hands. He didn’t even hear Cooper come back into the room, didn’t feel his presence until Cooper sat down next to him and pulled Josh into his arms.

For awhile they just sat there, Cooper making soothing noises in his throat as he traced a circular pattern on Josh’s back with one hand. Somewhere in the back of his mind Josh kept telling himself to pull away, that he shouldn’t let Cooper comfort him this way. For some reason it seemed dangerous, although he had no idea why. All he knew was that it was the only thing that actually made him feel better, and when he finally managed to control his sobs he looked up to find himself practically nose to nose with his roommate.

"Your mom?" Cooper asked, his breath warming Josh’s cheek.

Josh nodded and wiped his face with the back of his hand, pulling away reluctantly as he tried to pull himself together. He didn’t notice the look of regret that flashed in Cooper’s eyes for a split second before he reined in his emotions and forced his face to go blank again. "I don’t know what my problem is, I mean she just called to check on me. It’s just that she always just assumed I’d get good grades, she didn’t even realize how much pressure she puts on me and my sister because it never dawned on her that we might not be great at everything we tried. But ever since Durkheim called and told her that I almost jumped off the bridge she keeps telling me not to pressure myself about grades. She even tells me to go out and have fun, when I was in high school she thought fun was a waste of time."

"She cares about you, that’s a good thing," Cooper said, the hand that was still resting on Josh’s back moving up to stroke his hair. He didn’t even realize what he was doing until Josh leaned into the touch, and he found himself stifling a groan as he watched Josh’s eyes flutter closed for a second.

"Yeah, I know." Josh sniffed and wiped his eyes again, his shoulders slumping a little as he let himself relax under Cooper’s touch. "I don’t know why it always gets to me, I guess it’s just hard to live with the fact that she thinks I’m about to fall apart any second. I don’t want her thinking that she did something wrong, you know?"

Cooper sighed and bit down hard on the insides of his cheeks to keep himself from pulling Josh into him again. He wanted to hold him, to offer the only kind of comfort he knew how to give. He’d never thought about sex as anything more than what pleasure he could get, but watching Josh torture himself about his mom and most likely the kid he’d never have made Cooper want to give something to someone else for the first time in his life. He was used to taking what he wanted and he’d always chosen partners who were only out for themselves, that way he didn’t have to worry about getting emotionally involved or having to let someone down after they fell for him. He’d never expected to be on the suffering end of unrequited love, but watching Josh grieve for a kid he’d never even known about until he lost it made him not mind the suffering so much.

"She’s your mom, Josh, of course she worries. Hell, even my mom probably worries about me when she remembers she has a kid." He grinned self-consciously when Josh looked back up at him, brown eyes wide and shining with unshed tears. "Later. Trust me, you don’t want to hear about her right now. Besides, I’m sure if she worries about me it’s only to worry about whether or not I’m embarrassing her. Look, I’m sorry your mom thinks you’re some kind of basket case. Let’s face it, it’s pretty much my fault things got so out of control that you had to pretend to be suicidal to keep us in school."

Josh shook his head, looking back down at his hands as he lost the battle he’d been fighting with a fresh crop of tears. "It’s not your fault," he insisted. "It’s not even that, not really. It’s just…my mom’s all I’ve got. Her and my sister, they’re my only family, my dad took off when we were kids. I always wondered what kind of dad I’d be, I told myself if I ever had a kid I wouldn’t bail on it the way my father did."

Cooper’s stomach turned and he curled his free hand into a tight fist, clenching so hard he was sure his knuckles were the color of the sheet on Josh’s bed. He wanted to kill Rachel more now than he’d ever wanted her dead before, but he knew bringing her up wasn’t going to make Josh feel any better. In fact it would probably make things worse, and Cooper had already done enough of that for one lifetime. When he thought he could talk again without threatening to murder Josh’s ex-girlfriend he took a deep breath and slid his arm around Josh’s shoulders, easing them both back against the head of the bed.

He held his breath as he waited for Josh to push him away, but when his roommate settled against him and turned his face into Cooper’s shoulder he tightened his grip on Josh and swallowed against the urge to let his hands wander. Josh didn’t want that kind of comfort from him, and until his roommate told him in no uncertain terms that he did there was no way Cooper was going to screw up what they had. He told himself it was enough that Josh’s cheek was pressed into his shoulder, unsteady breaths warming Cooper’s neck as they leaned back on Josh’s pillows.

"You didn’t bail on your kid," Cooper said softly, hoping that talking about it wouldn’t set Josh off again. He wasn’t sure what was the best way to handle the situation, he had no idea how to deal with stuff like this and he was pretty sure he’d say the wrong thing eventually. To his surprise Josh just moved a little closer to him, his forehead brushing against the exposed skin of Cooper’s neck.

"I know there was nothing I could do," he murmured into Cooper’s chest. "I mean even if I knew before she went through with it I couldn’t have stopped her. And it would have ended any prayer I had of graduating and having an actual career. But that wasn’t the kid’s fault. I should have been able to protect him."

Tears stung Cooper’s eyes as he listened to Josh talk about it for the first time since it happened, his own heart aching at the thought that his best friend had spent the past week telling himself he could have done something to stop it. There was no way he would have been able to change Rachel’s mind, and Cooper was sure that somewhere in the back of his mind Josh knew that. It didn’t make him feel any less helpless, though, and Cooper was feeling helpless right along with him. "It’s gonna be okay, Josh."

"Yeah, I know." Josh managed a weak grin even though he knew Cooper couldn’t see him, unconsciously shifting even closer to his roommate. "Cooper?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"Any time, Josh," Cooper answered, his heart in his throat as he moved his hand from Josh’s shoulder to rest on the back of his neck. He swallowed as he registered the sound of a soft sigh escaping Josh’s lips, willing his body not to react to their proximity. He was just comforting a friend, that was all it was and all it could ever be.

Part Four

When Josh woke up the room was dark, and for a moment he couldn’t remember where he was. He’d been dreaming that he was home with his family, trying to convince his mother that he wasn’t going to kill himself. Right before he woke up he’d been pleading with her not to pull him out of school and make him move home away from Cooper, and when he opened his eyes part of him expected to find himself in the bedroom he’d grown up in. He tensed and looked around as his eyes adjusted to the darkness, but when he felt a hand at the back of his neck he remembered what had happened. Almost instantly he relaxed into Cooper’s touch, holding his breath as he listened to his roommate breathing under him.

Cooper was fast asleep, his chest rising and falling steadily under Josh’s cheek. He wondered how long they’d been asleep, judging from the darkness of their room it had been at least a few hours. There were alarms going off in his head telling him that this was a bad idea, forcing Cooper to pick up the pieces was going to drive his roommate away. That was the last thing he wanted, he didn’t know what exactly he did want from Cooper but he knew it wasn’t to be left alone. His friend’s hand was still pressed against the back of his neck, though, strong fingers curled into Josh’s hair. If Cooper found it weird that Josh wanted to be held this way Josh couldn’t tell, and he didn’t want to give it up until he didn’t have any other choice.

Slowly he moved the hand that had been resting against Cooper’s chest, letting his fingertips ghost across the other boy’s T-shirt and down to his stomach. He wasn’t sure what he was doing exactly, all he knew was that it was reassuring to touch Cooper and remind himself that this wasn’t some vivid dream. He followed the path of his hand with his eyes, his heart in his throat as he willed himself to stop. If Cooper woke up and found Josh tracing a pattern on his stomach with his fingers he’d never get near Josh again, and that was the last thing he wanted.

When he found himself wondering what Cooper’s skin would feel like under his fingers he pulled his hand back as though it had been burned, his cheeks flushing hot and his heart pounding against his ribcage. He couldn’t think things like that, not if he wanted to keep Cooper as his friend. Not that it was the first time he’d ever wondered, he’d laid awake and listened to Cooper with so many girls that eventually the sound of his roommate in the throes of ecstasy started to work its way into his dreams. He’d done his best to ignore both the dreams and the effect they had on him, telling himself he was just responding to stimulus the way any guy his age would. He had a girlfriend and he was perfectly happy with her, at least he’d thought he was.

Rachel was everything he was supposed to want, she was the kind of girl his mother would approve of and on paper they were the perfect couple. The fact that he always missed Cooper a little when he was with Rachel was something he just ignored the best he could. He told himself it didn’t mean anything, that it was just because he’d never had a best friend like Cooper before. Okay, so he’d wondered about other guys before he met Cooper but he’d never actually done anything about it, and he wasn’t about to start now.

The only trouble was that thinking about it was starting to make him really uncomfortable, and there was nothing he could do without getting up and leaving Cooper asleep in his bed. That idea didn’t appeal to him at all, in fact he was pretty sure he could just stay pressed against Cooper’s chest and be content for the rest of his life. Cooper didn’t need to know that, though, it was bad enough he’d broken down at the sound of his own mother’s voice and forced his roommate to spend another night taking care of him.

Before he’d managed to talk himself into pulling away and getting up Cooper stirred underneath him, pulling his hand away from Josh’s neck and stretching. "Hey," he murmured into Josh’s hair, sending a jolt of pleasure down Josh’s spine. "What time is it?"

"Don’t know," Josh answered, doing his best to keep his voice even as he braced himself for Cooper to pull away. "I think we missed dinner."

"Doesn’t matter," Cooper said, turning into Josh and wrapping his other arm around the other boy’s waist. "You okay?"

Josh swallowed hard as Cooper’s arm around his waist brought them even closer together, hoping his roommate wouldn’t hear his heart pounding in the silence of the room. "Yeah, I’m fine now," he answered, part of him almost hoping that Cooper would hear what he couldn’t bring himself to say. "I’m sorry I keep doing this to you, Coop."

Cooper wanted to tell him that he wasn’t sorry at all, he wasn’t sorry to find himself with an excuse to hold Josh and breathe the same air as him. They were way too close for his own sanity, but there was no way he was letting go. This was only the second time he’d ever had an excuse to be this close to his roommate and he wasn’t about to end it a second earlier than he had to. "Nothing to be sorry about," he finally answered, closing his eyes as he listened to the sound of Josh’s heart beating. It was pounding too fast and Cooper couldn’t help wondering if Josh was just pretending to be okay so he wouldn’t worry, and before he could stop himself he pulled his arm off Josh’s waist to rest his hand on the other boy’s chest. "Your heart’s pounding."

Suddenly Josh was thankful for the darkness in the room as he felt his face flush crimson, his temperature rising as Cooper’s hand rested over his heart. "It’s nothing," he said, searching his mind for a plausible lie. "I was having this weird nightmare about my mom right before I woke up."

"Hmm," Cooper murmured, splaying his hand across Josh’s chest as he frowned thoughtfully. "You wanna talk about it?"

Josh almost laughed at the thought of telling Cooper about what he’d been telling his mom when he woke up. The dream was still as vivid as it was when he first woke up, and he could still hear himself telling his mother that he wasn’t giving up Cooper no matter what she said. For a second he considered telling his roommate just to see what his reaction would be, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He didn’t want to risk the new turn their relationship had taken, even if he didn’t have a clue what exactly they were doing.

"I forget what we were talking about," he lied. "Doesn’t matter anyway, it was just a dream."

Cooper looked up again and met Josh’s gaze in the dark, his features lit up just enough by the light coming through the window that Josh thought he could see concern and something else he couldn’t quite put his finger on reflected in Cooper’s eyes. "You hungry?" Cooper asked. "We could go into town and get a pizza or something."

Josh wanted to say no, to tell Cooper that he’d just as soon stay right where they were for the rest of the night. He knew the minute they got up the spell would be broken and he’d feel weird about what had just happened, then he’d spend the rest of the night wondering what Cooper was thinking. He couldn’t tell Cooper any of that, though, he didn’t have any choice but to get up and go back to reality. "Yeah, alright," Josh answered, hoping he didn’t sound as reluctant as he felt. "I have some reading I have to do tonight anyway."

A barely stifled sigh caught in Cooper’s throat as he pulled away, bracing himself against the loss of Josh’s warmth against his chest. The last thing he wanted to do was get up and go to some restaurant, but Josh was already having a bad enough day without starving him too. Slowly he sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, breathing deeply as he squared his shoulders and stood up. He didn’t feel like eating, in fact he didn’t feel like doing anything but getting right back in Josh’s bed. The least he could do was buy his best friend dinner, though, maybe he could help Josh get his mind back off his family and what Rachel had done for awhile anyway.

~

"I’m not saying it’s true, I’m just saying that’s what I heard," Hank said, dropping his voice as he glanced around to make sure no one was listening. When he was sure none of the other students in the cafeteria were eavesdropping he turned back to his friends, raising his eyebrows as he waited for one of them to challenge his information. "I mean why else would Cooper be trailing Josh like his personal bodyguard? Maybe they’re not really sleeping together, but if they aren’t they’re sure acting weird."

Pickle bit his lip but didn’t say anything, caught between wanting to join in the conversation and share what he knew with his friends and wanting to respect his roommates' privacy. Cooper had trusted him, after all, and although he hadn’t talked to Pickle much since Josh’s breakdown he didn’t want to add fuel to the rumors.

"Dude, spill it," Zeke said, smacking Pickle’s shoulder lightly as the rest of the table narrowed their eyes at him.

"What?" Pickle asked defensively, hoping he looked more confused than he was.

"Don’t give us that, you live with them. Besides, it’s written all over your face. You know something," Zeke shot back, his normally cheerful demeanor replaced with a stern frown.

"I don’t know anything, I swear," Pickle said, hoping that his friends would believe him. In a way it was true, he didn’t really know anything. He just had a few vague ideas about what was going on, and he could be reading things that weren’t there into Cooper’s behavior. All he really had to go on was walking into their room to find them fully clothed in Josh’s bed that one time, and Cooper’s interest in what everyone was saying about Josh and Rachel. All his friends were fascinated by the rumors, but so far he’d managed to keep the few details he did have to himself. "Seriously, I never even see them. Their door’s always shut, the only time I see either of them is if we happen to want the bathroom at the same time."

"Something’s definitely going on," Hank said, nodding his head decisively as though the fact that Josh and Cooper kept their door shut was proof enough that they were involved. "I mean that whole thing with Rachel had to be a cover, or else Josh just can’t make up his mind."

"Dude, shut up, here comes Cooper," Zeke muttered under his breath just as Cooper stopped next to their table, eyeing his friends cautiously as he set his lunch down and sank into a chair at the end of the table.

"Hey," he said to no one in particular, glancing at Pickle for a second before he turned back to his lunch.

"Hey, man," Zeke said, trying and failing to sound as though they hadn’t been gossiping about him just a few seconds ago. "Where’s Josh?"

"Shrink," Cooper answered matter-of-factly, picking up his fork and moving the food on his plate around as he tried to decide what it was. "Every other week now."

His friends all nodded as Cooper reminded them that Josh was still seeing Durkheim, although the school had agreed to let him go to every other week instead of weekly after the first four months of therapy. It was obvious from the almost palpable tension at the table that they were all dying to ask him what was going on with him and Josh, but he wasn’t about to offer an explanation. If they asked he’d be as vague as possible while he let them draw the wrong conclusions, but he wasn’t about to offer any information. Instead he picked at his food and made a good show of brooding, although it wasn’t that much of a stretch.

Ever since Tuesday afternoon when he and Josh had fallen asleep in Josh’s bed things had been weird between them, they were closer than ever but in a way there was a wall between them that he couldn’t find a way around. It seemed like every time he looked at Josh his friend was staring at him, trying to figure out something that he wasn’t about to talk about. Cooper was dying to ask him what he was thinking, but he was afraid of what it would do to them if Josh actually told him. Part of him hoped that Josh had figured out how he felt about him, but in the same breath he was terrified that his roommate was just trying to find a way to let him down gently.

The thought of Josh giving him the "just friends" speech made his stomach turn, and he pushed his food away abruptly. His friends were still staring at him like he might explode any second, and he almost hated to disappoint them. He didn’t feel like making a scene, though, all he really wanted was for Josh to get done with therapy so they could get on with the rest of their day. It was weird not to meet him for lunch, it was the first time in over a week and he missed having Josh all to himself.

"So how’s he doing?" Jerry asked suddenly, breaking the tense silence at the table. Cooper looked up and stifled a grin as all four of his friends flinched in unison, wondering what version of what happened they believed. "Nobody’s really seen him since last week."

"He’s fine," Cooper answered, his mind racing as he decided how to word his answer so they’d believe what he wanted them to. After all, if their closest friends enforced the rumor that they were sleeping together that would give it more authenticity than the rest of the stories that were floating around. "That whole thing with Rachel wasn’t as big a deal as everyone’s making it out to be."

"Yeah, that’s what we figured," Zeke interjected quickly. "I mean Josh and Rachel…who was buying that, right?"

Cooper barely managed to suppress a smirk as he stole another glance at Pickle. He shrugged and turned back to Zeke, grinning as he stood up and picked up his tray. "Not me. Gotta go, Josh should be done with therapy in a few minutes."

He could feel their eyes on him as he walked out of the cafeteria, but he didn’t bother to look back. It didn’t matter whether they were watching him or not, the point was they all assumed Josh and Rachel had been some kind of an experiment or act from the beginning. That was exactly what he wanted everyone to believe, whatever it took to get their minds off the rumors about Rachel and her abortion. He left the dorm and started toward the Psychology building, his pulse racing in anticipation of seeing Josh again. It had only been a few hours since he left Josh at his first class, but lately he found himself living for the next time he’d see his roommate. He knew spending all this time with Josh was just going to make it hurt worse when his roommate finally did move on with his love life, but he couldn’t walk away from Josh when he needed him, not even to protect himself.

~

Two weeks after what was widely becoming known around campus as Josh’s nervous breakdown, Josh was still waiting for Cooper to get sick of hanging around him all the time. Not that he wanted Cooper to get tired of him, but he was starting to wonder if it was wise to encourage his roommate to keep so close. What at first had been gratitude and affection for his best friend was starting to get twisted into something a lot more confusing, and he wasn’t sure if it had always been there or if it was the amount of time they were spending together that was messing with his perception.

Regardless of why he was feeling what he was feeling there was no doubt that it was there, though, and he wasn’t sure what to do about it. He couldn’t tell Cooper, if he did that he’d probably wake up to find himself with a new roommate in the morning. Even if Cooper didn’t move out it would mean the end of the casual touches, no more sharing Josh’s bed while they studied and Cooper definitely wouldn’t fall asleep next to him anymore. It had only happened once since the night Josh’s mom called and left a message on their machine, and Josh had been so nervous about Cooper falling asleep in his bed again that he hadn’t even been able to enjoy it.

They’d been studying shoulder to shoulder, which had more or less become a habit over the past week. Things were tense between them despite the fact that they kept getting closer and closer, pushing the limits of their friendship a little more every time they got close. Josh had been staring at his copy of Great Expectations and trying to talk himself into just asking Cooper what was going on between them for a full hour, but when he finally looked over at his roommate he was fast asleep against Josh’s shoulder. He’d been terrified to move for fear that he’d wake Cooper up and call his attention to the fact that they were, for all rights and purposes, sleeping together again. So he’d dropped his book and focused on the fact that Cooper was sleeping against him, finally drifting off himself.

When he woke up Cooper was already awake, but they hadn’t talked about it. They never talked about what was going on between them, they’d talked about everything else under the sun but they didn’t talk about that. Cooper had even dug the article his teacher had submitted to that competition out of one of his drawers and showed it to Josh; he’d tried to hide how proud he was of the article but Josh could sense it, and his roommate had every right to be proud. He had a lot of potential, Josh never would have suspected that he had that particular talent but there was the proof in black and white.

Cooper had even talked a little about his mother and how she’d spent the majority of his childhood shopping, more often than not in various European cities. They got along from what Cooper said, but he didn’t seem to have much of a relationship with her. Josh could see why Cooper didn’t have a lot of respect for the girls he slept with, considering his parents’ relationship it made sense that he wouldn’t know how to make a real connection with a girl. He tried not to think too hard about Cooper’s string of women, though, and he tried even harder not to read into the fact that Cooper hadn’t brought a girl home since Josh and Rachel broke up.

He glanced to his right and smiled as his gaze landed on Cooper’s profile. The other boy’s forehead was furrowed as he frowned at his Calculus book, lost in whatever formula he was trying to understand. Josh was struck with the sudden urge to reach out and pull his glasses off, to look into those dark eyes without the frames obstructing his view. He stopped himself before he reached out and touched Cooper, any hope he had of focusing on his homework gone as he watched his roommate’s lips moving silently.

"What?" Cooper asked without looking over at Josh, surprising his roommate into a blush.

"Nothing," Josh muttered around the lump in his throat. "Sorry, I guess I spaced for a second."

Cooper dropped his book on the desk next to the bed and turned to look at Josh, the ghost of a smile turning up the corners of his mouth as he took in Josh’s flushed cheeks and his wide eyes. "Tired?" he asked, swallowing a sudden surge of nervousness as he told himself this was a bad idea.

"A little," Josh answered, glancing over at his alarm clock and realizing that it was almost 11:00 pm. "Guess it’s getting pretty late anyway, class in the morning and all."

"Yeah," Cooper said, stalling as he wondered how he could get Josh to let him spend the night in his bed without actually asking. He’d thought about it before, but he’d never dared to suggest it or even hope that it could happen. Seeing Josh blush at getting caught staring at Cooper made him wonder, though, and the past week of tension between them was starting to affect his judgement. But he couldn’t think of a way to get Josh to let him stay, not without coming right out and telling his roommate he wanted to spend the night with him. So far they’d kept things completely platonic, although it had taken every ounce of will power Cooper didn’t even know he had to keep from grabbing Josh and kissing him just to see what would happen. He wasn’t even looking to cross the line tonight, he just wanted to sleep next to his roommate. The problem was he didn’t know how to say that without making it sound like a come-on.

"Cooper…" Josh’s voice jolted him out of his thoughts, and he was glad he wasn’t the type to blush easily. He blinked and realized that he’d been staring too, a wry grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. Josh didn’t look amused, though, in fact he looked almost nervous.

"Hey, you okay?" Cooper asked, any devious plans he’d had to trick Josh into letting Cooper sleep with him forgotten as he realized something was bothering his best friend.

Josh nodded and swallowed, dropping his gaze to the mattress between them. "Yeah, I’m fine. I mean I should be fine, but it’s still hard sometimes, you know? It shouldn’t be, I should be over it by now."

Cooper reached out before he could stop himself and stroked his fingers across Josh’s cheek and into his hair, wishing there was something he could do to help his roommate move on. "It hasn’t been that long," he said, repeating the same words he’d said to Josh more than once over the past week. He knew Josh just wanted to feel better, to be able to get through a day without thinking about what he could have done to change Rachel’s mind. It made him feel as helpless as Josh felt, and what was even worse was that he didn’t know how to help either of them.

"Yeah, I know," Josh said, his shoulders falling a little as he glanced up at Cooper again. "Thanks, Cooper."

"Forget it, Josh. You’re my best friend, I want to be here. I just wish I could do something, you know?"

Josh nodded, a small grin turning up the corners of his mouth as he reached up and covered his roommate’s hand with his own. "You have…you are. I don’t know if I’d have been able to deal with all of this by myself. I mean breaking up with Rachel was one thing, but…" He trailed off, unwilling to finish the thought. His eyes filled with tears instantly, and he didn’t put up a fight when he felt himself being drawn into strong arms. Cooper eased them both down onto Josh’s pillows, his arms wrapped tight around his roommate’s chest.

"Do you miss her?" Cooper asked, wincing at the hesitant quality of his voice. He hadn’t meant to sound so pathetic and needy, but he wanted to know if Josh was still thinking about Rachel. Even if the answer made him wish he’d never gone to Daleman in the first place he needed to hear it.

Josh frowned at the question, pulling away a little to look up at Cooper. "Rachel? No. I mean I thought I knew her, I thought I even loved her but what the hell do I know about love? Obviously she didn’t feel the same way or she would have told me before she did anything."

A soft sigh escaped Cooper’s throat and he didn’t bother to try to hide his relief at the idea that maybe Josh didn’t love Rachel after all. If Josh had told him that he didn’t miss Rachel anymore because he wanted Cooper now it wouldn’t have mattered so much that he’d loved Rachel first, but for some reason the idea that Josh didn’t love her at all was almost comforting. Then again maybe he was reading too much into what Josh said while he was still feeling betrayed by her, but he was willing to live with the delusion. The fact was that he was the one comforting Josh now, he was the only one that got to touch him and until Josh was ready to push him away he was happy to stay right where he was.

He kept his opinion about Rachel to himself, opting to tighten his grip on his roommate instead of answering. Josh didn’t seem in a hurry for him to get up and go back to his own bed, in fact his roommate’s hands were at Cooper’s waist gripping the fabric of his jeans. Their legs were tangled together and Cooper focused on matching his breathing to Josh’s, letting his eyes fall closed as he inhaled his roommate’s familiar scent and drifted off to sleep.

The first thing Cooper thought of when he woke up was that he’d gotten to spend the night in Josh’s bed without even having to think up an excuse, but as soon as the thought occurred to him he felt guilty for being happy about Josh’s heartbreak. It wasn’t fair of him to use Josh’s pain to get close to him, but he rationalized it by telling himself that Josh needed him. So far that had worked, but he was starting to wonder if he was just being selfish. Confusing Josh wasn’t going to get Cooper what he really wanted, and even though he’d managed to keep his roommate from hearing the worst of the rumors about him and Rachel he knew Josh was starting to wonder what was going on.

He either had to back off or come clean, he wasn’t sure if he could do the former but the thought of telling Josh how he felt scared the hell out of him. They couldn’t keep up the routine they’d settled into for much longer, though, either Cooper would lose it and kiss him or Josh would get freaked out and push him away. He was bound to start feeling better eventually and when he did he’d realize that they’d more or less isolated themselves from everyone else at school, and when that happened Josh was going to start asking questions that Cooper really didn’t want to answer.

He shifted in Josh’s arms until his back was pressed into Josh’s chest, stifling a sigh when his roommate tightened his grip on Cooper’s waist in his sleep. It felt too right, it was too real and he knew if he kept it up he was going to end up doing something he regretted. He couldn’t bring himself to get up, though, and anyway it wasn’t like this was the first time they’d woken up this way. He knew he needed to back off and give Josh the space he needed to start living his life again, but he could enjoy this last morning in Josh’s bed before his roommate woke up and they had to face reality again.

As soon as he thought it Josh stirred behind him, and he swallowed his disappointment as he waited for his roommate to wake up and pull away from him. He braced himself for the loss of warm arms and the chest pressed into his back, but instead of pulling away Josh leaned up and over his shoulder. "It’s late," he mumbled against Cooper’s ear, his voice still heavy with sleep.

A shiver rolled through Cooper’s body as Josh’s lips inadvertently brushed his cheek, then his roommate settled back against the pillows and appeared to drift back to sleep. Cooper cleared his throat and glanced at the clock, surprised to find that they’d already slept through half of Josh’s first class. Under normal circumstances he’d expect his friend to jump out of bed and start frantically changing in the vain hope of catching the last half of his English class, but Josh just shifted the arm that was trapped under Cooper and groaned.

"Coop?"

"Yeah?" Cooper whispered, not trusting his voice not to break.

"My arm’s asleep," Josh moaned, the pathetic quality of his voice making Cooper smile in spite of himself.

Cooper shifted off the arm in question and turned to face Josh, pulling his arm up between them and rubbing the pins and needles out of it. He laughed as Josh winced in pain and then let out a soft moan, his eyes still closed as he lost himself in the sensations the impromptu massage were sending coursing through him. "Better?" Cooper asked as he watched Josh’s face and fought the urge to lean forward and kiss him.

"Thanks," Josh murmured, sighing when Cooper let go of his arm again.

"You’re missing the review on Great Expectations," Cooper reminded him, amusement clear in his voice as he watched Josh scowl.

"I’ll read the Cliffs Notes," he muttered, his left hand landing on Cooper’s waist again. "Tired. Shut up or go away."

Cooper stared at him for another minute, trying to decide what exactly Josh meant by ‘shut up or go away’. He knew what he wanted it to mean, he wanted it to be an extended invitation to share Josh’s bed whenever the mood struck him. The problem was that that would be every night, and even Josh would start to wonder about that after a few nights. He still had a few hours before his first class, though, and if Josh was planning to skip Bio maybe he wouldn’t bother with classes either. It was Friday, after all, nothing interesting ever happened on Friday. He closed his eyes and moved as close to Josh as he dared, trying hard not to focus on Josh’s hand on his waist as he drifted back to sleep.

Part Five

Josh managed to make it out of bed in time to make it to the Housing Office for his shift, but he hadn’t been able to focus much on the applications he was supposed to process. His mind kept wandering back to the fact that he and Cooper had spent most of the morning tangled up in his bed, and every time he pictured what they must have looked like he felt a jolt of desire that terrified him. It wasn’t so surprising that he found himself wanting Cooper, but if it wasn’t mutual and he actually did something about it he’d probably cost himself the only friend he’d ever had that meant to him what Cooper did. Then again, if Cooper did feel the same way he did he might lose him anyway, because as far as he could tell Cooper wasn’t interested in a serious relationship with anyone.

Wondering was driving him crazy, but he couldn’t think of a way to ask Cooper what he was thinking without blurting out that he wanted him. Sometimes he even wondered if this was what love was supposed to feel like; he’d told himself that he loved Rachel and at the time he thought he had, but what he felt when he was with her was nothing like what he felt with Cooper. Waking up with Cooper pressed against him made him light-headed, whereas when he’d spent the night with Rachel he’d always woken up feeling claustrophobic.

It wasn’t like he wanted to want Cooper, it complicated everything and he didn’t want to lose his best friend over something that might not even be real. The trouble was that it felt real, it felt more right than anything he’d ever felt before and he didn’t want to give it up. He found himself looking forward to the next time he’d see Cooper, focusing on the moment when he’d walk out of class or work and see his roommate waiting for him. The way Cooper grinned at him made his heart flip and his palms sweat, and when they were together it wasn’t so hard to pretend that he was just a normal college student and that nothing bad had happened to him. More than anything that was what he wanted, to go back to feeling like a normal person that wasn’t marked by a mistake he and Rachel made.

He thought his shift at Housing would never end, but finally 5:00 rolled around and he practically bolted toward the door. He managed to slow himself down in time to look at least halfway normal before he let himself out into the lobby, but when he pulled the door open and looked around there was no sign of Cooper. His heart fell and he glanced at the clock, double-checking to make sure he hadn’t read the time wrong in his urgency to get out of work and see Cooper again. It was definitely 5:00, though, and he swallowed against a sudden lump in his throat as he headed for the front door and stepped outside.

As he walked back to the dorm he told himself that it was no big deal, Cooper didn’t owe him anything and it wasn’t like he couldn’t walk back to the dorm by himself. It was stupid to expect Cooper to show up when he hadn’t even gone to class that day, for all Josh knew he was still asleep in his bed. That’s where he’d been when Josh left, long eyelashes fluttering against pale cheeks as he dreamed about something. None of that helped the confusion that was currently threatening to overwhelm him, though, and he climbed the steps to the dorm slowly and let himself inside.

He stopped just inside the door and glanced around the lobby, realizing suddenly that this was the first time he’d walked into the dorm alone in almost two weeks. It hadn’t occurred to him how strange that was until that moment, and he frowned as he wondered for the first time in days why Cooper still felt the need to follow him around. Slowly he forced himself to cross the lobby, and he was about to climb the stairs to their floor when he heard someone calling his name. He turned around to find Jerry hurrying to catch up with him, a nervous expression on his friend’s features.

"Hey, Josh," Jerry said, glancing around the lobby as he stopped in front of the other boy. "Where’s Cooper?"

"In our room, I guess," Josh answered. "I’m on my way up there, do you want me to tell him to come by?"

"No, I was just wondering because…" Jerry trailed off and looked up, his eyes wide as he realized what he’d been about to say. "Well, the thing is you two are always together lately. Not that I have a problem with that, I mean I think it’s great that you’ve got each other. Especially after that whole thing with Rachel, I mean it’s a real drag that you guys had to go through that when you weren’t even into her the whole time."

Josh frowned again as he listened to Jerry ramble, doing his best to decipher the rush of words. He’d tried not to think about the fact that everyone probably knew by now why he and Rachel had broken up, but it was a small school and chances were that it would get around. Nobody had said anything to him in class, but it wasn’t like he exactly socialized with his classmates and when he wasn’t in lecture or at work he was with Cooper.

"Thanks, Jerry," he murmured, more confused than ever as he made his way up the stairs to his room.

When he reached their room he found Cooper standing next to his bed in a pair of boxers, his head covered in a towel as he dried his hair. Josh smiled in spite of himself at the image his roommate presented, but his smile faded as Cooper looked up and frowned. He held Josh’s gaze for a long moment before he glanced over at the clock, eyes wide as he registered the time. When he looked back at Josh again his expression was infused with regret, and Josh assumed it was because Cooper hadn’t met him after work. He didn’t say anything, but it still made Josh feel better to know that Cooper felt bad for not meeting him.

"Hey," Josh said around the lump in his throat.

"Hey," Cooper echoed, tossing his towel in the direction of a pile of dirty clothes. "Didn’t know it was past 5:00 already."

Josh shrugged and pulled his jacket off, tossing it over the back of his chair before he sank onto the edge of his mattress and looked up at Cooper. "I ran into Jerry on the way back from work," he said, frowning slightly as he watched most of the color drain from his roommate’s face.

Cooper turned away from him and reached for a clean shirt, pulling it on and buttoning it before he turned back to Josh. "Oh yeah? The guys doing anything this weekend?"

"Don’t know, he didn’t say," Josh answered as he watched Cooper get dressed. He couldn’t help wondering why Cooper was so nervous, it was almost as though he thought Jerry might have said something to Josh that Cooper didn’t want him to hear. He had an idea of what it was, but he wasn’t sure why that would make Cooper so jumpy all of a sudden. "He just said the usual ‘sorry about you and Rachel’ stuff."

"Oh." Cooper’s forehead furrowed as he sank onto the edge of his own bed, his gaze dropping to his hands for a minute before he looked back up at Josh again. "That’s cool. I mean we haven’t seen much of them lately, he’s probably been wondering where you’ve been."

"Everybody knows, don’t they?" Josh asked, his eyebrows raised expectantly as he held Cooper’s gaze. For a second his roommate’s eyes were wider than he’d ever seen them before, but as soon as the panic crossed his face he shook it off and his features went blank again.

"I haven’t heard much talk," Cooper lied, looking away from Josh to stare at the wall just over his shoulder. "I mean I don’t know what people think…"

Josh shook his head as he listened to Cooper lie to him, part of him almost wanting to be mad at his roommate for protecting him from the truth. He knew why Cooper had done it, though, at least he thought he did and the gratitude he felt eclipsed any resentment at Cooper keeping him away from the rumors that were no doubt flying around campus. "They know," he said again, quieter this time as Cooper stole another glance at him. "I mean it was bound to happen, I guess. I’m not mad, Cooper. Rachel’s the one that did this, if people are talking about the reason we broke up it’s not like I can stop them."

He watched as relief flooded Cooper’s features, wondering if it was relief that Josh wasn’t mad at him or if there was something he was missing. His roommate had been acting pretty jumpy ever since he said Jerry’s name, and although he couldn’t figure out why Josh had a feeling the relief had more to do with what Jerry had said to him than the fact that Josh wasn’t mad.

"I just didn’t want you to have to deal with all that stuff, you know?" Cooper said, standing up and crossing the room to sit next to Josh on his bed. "Are you mad?"

"No," Josh answered quickly, unconsciously turning into Cooper as he spoke. He reached out without thinking and put his hand on his roommate’s shoulder, his heart in his throat as Cooper looked up and their gazes locked. "You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, Cooper. If you weren’t around these last couple of weeks…" He let the thought trail off, not quite sure if he should say out loud what had been on the tip of his tongue. He didn’t know if he had the right to tell Cooper how much it meant to him that his friend was there for him, that whenever Cooper touched him he instantly felt better. He knew he couldn’t bring up how right it felt to wake up with Cooper next to him, but he was starting to think that maybe Cooper already knew.

"Josh," Cooper breathed, leaning forward almost imperceptibly as he searched the other boy’s face for any sign that he wasn’t imagining what was happening between them. He knew he should stop, but Josh was looking at him like he was waiting for him do something. He looked nervous, but more than that he looked like he wanted Cooper to kiss him. Cooper reached up and rested one hand on Josh’s cheek, his heart skipping a beat when Josh turned his face into the touch.

He was still working up the courage to kiss Josh’s slightly parted lips when a knock sounded on the door, jarring both of them out of the spell they’d fallen under. Josh started to pull away, but as soon as Cooper realized that he was going to miss what was maybe his only opportunity to do this he shook his head and moved his hand to the back of Josh’s neck. "Don’t," he whispered, smiling to himself when Josh leaned back into him. He leaned forward and brushed his cheek against the other boy’s, a shiver rolling through him at the heat emanating from Josh’s skin. A small gasp escaped Josh’s throat as Cooper turned his face into his roommate’s neck, his lips brushing the sensitive skin below Josh’s ear.

Josh’s hand left Cooper’s shoulder to land on his waist, strong fingers digging into the other boy’s hip as Cooper pulled back and brushed his lips across Josh’s jaw line. Josh’s mind raced as he tried to convince himself that he wasn’t imagining Cooper’s mouth moving against his skin, but when another tentative knock on their door broke the silence he knew it wasn’t a hallucination. Cooper tensed against him and pulled back, reluctantly pulling his hand away from Josh’s neck. "Maybe we should see who it is," Josh whispered, part of him disappointed that whoever it was hadn’t given up yet and the rest of him relieved for the interruption.

Cooper sighed and dropped his gaze to the mattress between them, his shoulders falling a little before he pulled himself together and stood up. He didn’t look at Josh as he crossed the room and pulled the door open, forcing his expression to go blank as he found himself looking back at Pickle. Josh barely registered their other roommate as he watched Cooper expertly swallow all the emotions that had been shining in his eyes a few seconds ago, wondering belatedly if it had been a mistake to put the brakes on. He was terrified about what was happening between them, but he wasn’t sure how to tell Cooper that. It wasn’t like he could just come out and say that he was scared to get involved with his roommate, but knowing Cooper’s track record with commitment anyone would be a little nervous. He knew his best friend cared about him, he’d proven that ten times over in the past few weeks. How far it went was a totally different thing, though, and Josh wasn’t sure if he was strong enough to take the risk and deal with the consequences.

Hey, guys," he heard Pickle say, finally forcing himself to look at the blonde as Pickle’s gaze wandered back and forth between the two of them. "We were gonna go out for pizza and beers, the guys were wondering if you two wanted to come along."

For a moment Cooper seemed to actually consider whether or not he wanted to go anywhere, but one glance over at Josh and he squared his shoulders and turned back to Pickle again. "I’m in," he answered. "Josh? You feel like going out or are you gonna stay here?"

Josh blinked at the sound of his name, flushing as he realized they were both staring at him as they waited for an answer. It was obvious from the way Cooper avoided meeting his gaze that he’d screwed up big time, but he wasn’t sure how to fix it in front of all their friends and Cooper seemed determined not to be alone with him. Finally he shrugged and stood up, reaching for his jacket and pulling it on. "Yeah, sure," he answered, forcing a weak grin in Pickle’s direction as Cooper crossed to his side of the room and picked up his coat and wallet.

By the time Josh found himself standing in the hallway waiting for the rest of their friends to appear Cooper still hadn’t looked at him again. They were standing shoulder to shoulder against the wall and he could feel Cooper’s body heat and smell the soft scent of his cologne, but his roommate seemed determined to avoid eye contact. Josh closed his eyes and remembered the way Cooper’s lips felt pressed against his skin, brushing his fingers unconsciously across the spot on his neck where his roommate had kissed him. A shudder rocked him and he barely stifled a frustrated groan, snapping his eyes open as he tried to remember why he’d stopped Cooper in the first place. He glanced over at his best friend again and flushed as he realized Cooper was watching him, a hundred unspoken questions shining in his eyes.

"I’m an idiot," Josh whispered, leaning a little closer to his roommate so Pickle wouldn’t overhear them. "I’m sorry, Coop."

Cooper’s eyes clouded as he stared at the other boy, and Josh realized as he watched his roommate’s face darken that he hadn’t made it clear what exactly he was apologizing for. Cooper opened his mouth to say something – most likely to dismiss what almost happened as temporary insanity – but whatever he’d been about to say was lost as Josh leaned forward and planted a chaste kiss on his roommate’s lips. He knew Pickle was watching out of the corner of his eye as he pretended to be fascinated with the floor, but he didn’t care anymore. All he cared about in that moment was making sure that Cooper knew exactly what it was he regretted.

A bright grin was Cooper’s only answer, but as Zeke’s door swung open and their friends finally appeared Josh felt a strong hand close around his and squeeze for a moment before letting go again. He stifled a sigh and managed to smile at their friends, hoping that pizza and a couple beers would go faster than he suspected they would.

~

Two hours later Josh resigned himself to the fact that he’d been right after all; there was no way they could get away from their friends without raising a whole bunch of suspicions, and although Josh wasn’t really worried about what Pickle and the guys thought he didn’t want to make a big production out of getting Cooper alone again. Not that his roommate was making it any easier to sit at a table surrounded by their closest friends and make small talk about school. Over the course of the past two hours he kept stealing touches, first it was a casual arm around his shoulder as Cooper leaned in to tell a story and then the occasional brush of fingers across the back of Josh’s hand. When Cooper’s hand landed on his thigh under the table Josh practically jumped out of his chair, but somehow he managed to stay in his seat and cover the hand on his leg with his own.

They were still sitting close together with their hands entwined when Josh felt Cooper tense, and he followed his roommate’s gaze toward the door just in time to watch Rachel walk in. She was flanked by Lucy and Kristin, her attention focused on something Kristin was whispering in her ear. It made sense to Josh that Kristin would be protective of Rachel, he could only imagine what people were saying about her on campus. Then again, public opinion of him probably wasn’t very high right now either. Cooper’s fingers tightened around his and he looked over to find his roommate watching him closely. "It’s fine," he said, his voice low so the rest of the guys wouldn’t hear.

Cooper relaxed marginally but he leaned a little closer, pulling his hand out of Josh’s to drape his arm around the other boy’s shoulders. Josh opened his mouth again to tell Cooper he was fine, that he didn’t need constant reassurance. It still hurt to think about what he’d lost, but he knew why Rachel made the choice she did. Cooper had been right when he pointed out that they weren’t ready for a kid, as much as Josh hated to admit that Cooper was right about anything. He wasn’t ready to raise a kid, he never would have asked Rachel to go through with an abortion but he knew how much he’d have to give up if they did have a baby.

The fact that the choice between his future and his child was taken away from him didn’t make him feel any less guilty, though, and he stole a glance at Rachel to find her watching him. As soon as their eyes met he leaned back into Cooper’s arm, seeking reassurance he didn’t even know he needed. A moment later Rachel turned away and whispered something to Lucy, then Josh watched as the red-head stood up and started toward their table. She’d cut her hair short and she looked more serious than he’d seen her in a long time, but as soon as she reached their table she pasted a bright grin on her face and glanced at the guys before focusing on Josh. "Hey, guys," she said a little louder than she needed to, "how’s it going?"

"Hey, Lucy," Josh answered, doing his best to smile sincerely. He knew Rachel had sent her over for some reason, but it wasn’t Lucy’s fault she was caught in the middle and he’d always found her sort of amusing. "You want a beer?"

"Sure." She grinned back at him and took a seat in the empty chair between him and Pickle, taking the beer Pickle poured for her and turning her attention back to Josh again. "So how’ve you been, Josh?"

"Good," Josh said, casting a quick glance at Cooper before he turned back to her. "I guess I haven’t seen you in awhile. How’d your monologue for Drama class turn out?"

Her eyes lit up at the mention of her favorite class, and she launched into a detailed explanation of her monologue and its execution that left Josh wishing he hadn’t bothered to ask. When she was done she took a deep breath and reached for her beer, taking a sip and wiping her mouth with the back of her hand before she looked at Josh again. "So are you still mad at Rachel?"

Josh blinked as Lucy stared at him expectantly, no trace of amusement in her features as she waited for an answer. She looked completely earnest, and Josh had known her long enough to know that she was sincere. He also knew that Rachel had sent her over to find out how he was feeling, although he couldn’t imagine why she cared. He glanced in the direction of Rachel’s table just in time to watch his ex-girlfriend and Kristin turn away, their heads bent in conversation as they pretended they hadn’t been watching. He opened his mouth to answer but found that words wouldn’t come, he had no idea how to answer a question like that. Before he got the chance to say anything Cooper’s hand left his shoulder and his roommate leaned around him to fix Rachel with an angry glare.

"That bitch…"

Josh grabbed Cooper’s hand and squeezed tightly, forcing his roommate’s attention back to him. "Don’t," he said quietly, beyond caring what anyone else at the table thought about what was going on between the two of them. "It’s not Lucy’s fault."

Cooper frowned but nodded reluctantly, although he couldn’t help casting another angry glance over at the girls on the other side of the room. They were both watching the action at the table, Kristin glaring back at him as Rachel shook her head. He smirked as he watched Josh’s ex no doubt bemoaning the fact that she’d sent Lucy over, deriving a tiny sense of satisfaction out of the fact that Rachel had trusted her ditzy roommate to be subtle. Then again, out of the three of them Lucy was the only one Josh or Cooper would consider trustworthy, so she didn’t really have a choice.

Lucy’s eyes were wide as she watched Josh squeeze Cooper’s hand again, keeping a firm grip on it as he let their entwined fingers rest on his thigh. Josh caught her expression but chose to ignore it, letting her draw her own conclusions. It wasn’t her fault that Rachel and Kristin made her do their dirty work most of the time, but he didn’t have to give her the answers they were hoping for. "Look, Lucy, you’re a sweet girl, we’ve always gotten along, right? So don’t take it personally when I say it’s none of your business how I feel about Rachel. If she has something to say to me she can say it herself, but I don’t have anything to say to her."

She nodded slowly, casting a glance over her shoulder and shrugging helplessly when she caught her roommate’s eye. When she turned back to the table she reached for her beer again and settled back into her chair. "Sorry, Josh. It’s just that she’s felt really bad, and with the rumors going around…"

"If people are talking about Rachel it’s not Josh’s fault," Cooper interrupted her, his eyes narrowing as he leaned around Josh to look at her again. "If she has a problem with that she can talk to me."

"Hey, guys," Zeke said before Lucy had a chance to answer, "forget all that serious stuff. There’s a huge party tomorrow night, anybody up for it?"

A bemused grin turned up the corners of Josh’s mouth as he watched Lucy talking animatedly with the other guys at the table, the few tense moments that followed her first question forgotten as they discussed the pros and cons of fraternity parties. Two weeks ago he wouldn’t have been able to sit next to her and be reminded of Rachel and the reason they’d broken up, but even though it still hurt as much as ever to think about why he wasn’t sorry that their relationship was over. The hand still entwined with his was a large part of that, and he looked over at Cooper as he found himself wondering why it had taken him so long to see what was right in front of him.

His breath caught in his throat when he found Cooper staring at him, his expression unreadable as he leaned toward Josh and pressed his lips to his roommate’s ear. "Can we get out of here?" he whispered, sending a shiver of anticipation down Josh’s spine as he pulled back and let his lips brush Josh’s earlobe.

All Josh could do was nod, letting go of Cooper’s hand as they stood up. He barely registered the sound of Cooper’s voice as his roommate made up some excuse for both of them, all he could do was focus on getting his jacket and waving as their friends sent a chorus of goodbyes after them. A hand on the small of his back guided him toward the door, and he didn’t even think to glance at Rachel one last time as Cooper reached around him and opened the door to let them both through. As soon as they were outside Cooper’s hand left his back, and he reached out and entwined their fingers together again as they started toward campus.

They walked in silence for a few minutes, Josh focusing on the way Cooper’s hand felt in his so he wouldn’t work himself into a nervous frenzy thinking about what was going to happen when they got back to their room. After a few minutes of walking Cooper slowed his footsteps, and Josh glanced curiously at him. Cooper stopped in the center of the sidewalk, his cheeks flushed as he stared at the pavement in front of them. "Sorry about back there," he muttered, gesturing with their entwined hands in the direction they’d just come from. "I just…it just pissed me off, you know?"

"It doesn’t matter," Josh answered, tugging on Cooper’s hand as he started walking again. The truth was that it mattered a lot, Josh was dying to ask Cooper if it was Rachel that bothered him so much or the idea that she might want Josh back. He had no idea if he had the right to assume that Cooper would care, though, at least not beyond his concern for Josh as his best friend. Still, he was letting Josh hold his hand and he’d definitely been acting like they were a couple all night, so there had to be something there. Josh stifled a sigh and told himself that wishing he was better at relationships wasn’t going to do him any good. "Let’s just go home."

Cooper fell into step beside him, but he kept his gaze focused on the sidewalk as they walked. "Would you? I mean if that’s what she wanted, would you take her back?"

Josh turned his head too quickly, nearly losing his balance as he cast a shocked glance at his roommate. Cooper’s gaze was still focused on the sidewalk, though, so he barely registered when Josh stumbled and then fell into step with him again. "After what happened I don’t see how anybody could go back," he said, his mind racing as he tried to figure out what Cooper was really asking him. He couldn’t believe his roommate actually thought he’d go back to Rachel, even if nothing had happened between him and Josh Cooper should know better than that. "Jesus, Coop, she had an abortion without bothering to tell me. Could you ever trust her again?"

"God, Josh, I’m sorry," Cooper said, finally meeting Josh’s gaze again. "I don’t even know why I said that."

"It’s okay." Josh’s lips turned up in a small smile and he felt a little of the tension ease out of his roommate, but Josh could tell he didn’t believe him. "It’s just hard to wonder what would have happened if she’d told me first. Or if she hadn’t gone through with it. I mean I always figured I’d be a father someday, but whenever I thought about it I sort of wondered if I’d be a coward like my dad and bail on my kid the way he did. That’s what it feels like, like I bailed because I was too worried about graduating and having a career."

"You didn’t even know," Cooper reminded him. They reached the dorm and Cooper stopped at the bottom of the stairs, forcing Josh to turn toward him. "It’s not your fault, Josh. And you’d be a great father, you’re way too neurotic not to. Someday your kids will be bitching about how you never let them have any fun and all they ever do is study."

Josh laughed but the sound caught in his throat as he found his eyes suddenly filling with tears. He reached up and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, wincing at the look on Cooper’s face. For the past two weeks he’d felt guilty every time Cooper had to pick up the pieces when he couldn’t rein in his emotions, but it was even worse when Cooper thought it was his fault. He wanted to tell his roommate that he was okay, reassure both of them somehow that he was going to stop crying every time he thought about it any day now, but he didn’t trust his voice. A momentary sense of panic flooded him when Cooper pulled his hand out of Josh's, but a moment later his best friend’s hand was on his back again and guiding him up the stairs. He pushed the memory away and focused on the feeling of Cooper’s hand moving in soothing circles on his back as they climbed the stairs to their room.

Part Six

By the time they got up to their dorm room Josh was too tired from trying not to lose it to remember to be nervous, in fact the thought of spending the night with Cooper was the only thing keeping him from breaking down again. He shrugged out of his jacket and tossed it over the back of his chair, letting out a heavy sigh and running his hands through his hair.

"You okay?" Cooper asked, his voice almost hesitant. Josh smiled in spite of himself as he realized that was another thing he’d never heard from Cooper before, the list of firsts from his best friend just kept getting longer and longer. There were still a few more firsts he could think of that they’d put off longer than they needed to, though, and he nodded as he turned to face his roommate.

"Yeah, I’m fine," he answered, willing it to be true as he took a few steps forward and stopped in front of Cooper. "I don’t want to talk about it anymore."

Cooper nodded and reached out to touch Josh’s cheek almost reverently, as though he was afraid Josh might have changed his mind about the new direction their friendship had taken. "Cooper," Josh whispered as he turned his face into his best friend’s touch and let his eyes fall closed, "I’ve never…"

"Doesn’t matter," Cooper interrupted, his voice catching in his throat as he felt Josh tremble slightly. He wanted to tell him that he hadn’t either, not when it actually meant anything. He’d been with maybe too many people over the past few years, a handful of guys he knew in high school and since he got to college more girls that he wanted to think about. He couldn’t tell Josh all that without getting into the reasons why, though, and he didn’t want to ruin whatever was happening between them. So he didn’t tell Josh that he’d never felt this way about anyone or that he’d never thought he would, he didn’t mention that he was just as scared as Josh was at the thought of risking their friendship. Instead he leaned forward and finally brushed his lips against the other boy’s, his hand leaving Josh’s face to trail down his chest.

Josh’s lips parted instantly under the gentle urging of Cooper’s tongue, a soft moan escaping his throat as they backed toward his bed. He could feel his heart pounding erratically against his ribcage and wondered vaguely if Cooper could hear it, he was more nervous than he’d ever been in his life but at the same time he’d never felt more sure about anything. A few days ago he wouldn’t have been sure that he wanted to risk this, but seeing the look on Cooper’s face when he thought Josh wasn’t interested gave him the courage to take the risk. It was a huge risk, but no girl he’d dated had ever felt this right and even if Cooper was just killing time or feeling sorry for him he couldn’t stop what was happening.

It didn’t feel like pity, though, in fact when Cooper touched him Josh felt safer than he ever had in his life. He let his friend push him gently onto the mattress and tug his shirt over his head, then he watched as Cooper took a step backwards and pulled his own shirt off. Josh watched in awe as Cooper dropped the shirt behind him on the floor and stepped forward again, nudging Josh’s legs apart to stand between them. He leaned down and covered Josh’s mouth with his own again, a low moan escaping one of them as their lips parted. Part of Josh kept expecting to wake up any second, but it all felt real and even if it was just an incredibly vivid dream he didn’t want it to end.

Cooper slid to his knees without breaking the kiss, his hands landing on Josh’s waistband and slipping the button of his jeans free. He felt Josh tense automatically and tore his mouth away from the other boy’s, pressing his lips to Josh’s neck as he made soothing noises low in his throat. As he worked his way across smooth skin to Josh’s collarbone his roommate relaxed under him, and he slowly worked the zipper down and slid one hand inside the denim. Josh thrust up automatically to meet his exploring fingers, a strangled groan escaping his lips as he blinked down at Cooper.

He opened his mouth and then closed it again when he realized that he had no idea how to ask for what he wanted. He didn’t even know what it was he needed, so there was no way he’d be able to put it into words. Part of him wanted Cooper to hurry, he wanted to pull his roommate up against him and get rid of their clothes as quickly as possible so he could feel Cooper’s skin against his. At the same time the thought of making it last as long as possible appealed to him too, and he had no idea what he needed more. So he let Cooper take the lead, lifting himself off the mattress when strong hands tugged his jeans and boxers down his hips to join his shirt on the floor.

When Cooper knelt in front of him again Josh leaned down to meet him, his hands on Cooper’s shoulders as their lips met in a desperate kiss. He knew he wasn’t breathing but he didn’t care, he didn’t care if he died on the spot as long as he could feel this close to his best friend for the rest of his life. When they were both breathless Cooper gently eased out of his grasp, pulling away just enough to trail hot kisses down the column of Josh’s throat. Cooper’s hands wandered over his skin, seeking out sensitive spots with fingers and mouth and paying more attention to the ones that elicited breathy moans from Josh. His friend’s hands came up to stroke his hair tentatively, and Cooper could feel how nervous Josh was even as he lost himself in the sensations Cooper was creating in him.

The thought that Josh had never been with another guy before had been a source of despair for Cooper over the past few months, but now that he was kneeling in front of his very aroused roommate he couldn’t help enjoying the fact that he was the first. There was Rachel, of course, but Cooper had dismissed her as an experiment that just lasted too long and now he finally knew he was right. At least he hoped he was, it was possible that Rachel was what Josh wanted and Cooper was the experiment. He wasn’t going to think about that now, though, he wasn’t going to ruin the moment he’d been waiting for since the first night he walked into their room and saw Josh sitting in his bed.

Slowly he worked his way down Josh’s torso, hands and mouth ghosting across the smooth skin of Josh’s abdomen as the fingers in his hair tightened. He could feel the heat radiating from Josh’s groin and his own erection twitched in response, but he ignored the urgency growing in his own body and focused all his energy on Josh. Suddenly making Josh feel good was the only thing in the world that mattered to him, if this was the only way he could help his best friend he wanted it to be something Josh never forgot. Even if he decided later that he’d made a mistake and he really did like girls Cooper wanted this memory to be in the back of his mind, a seed of doubt to nag at him until Josh finally forced himself to face what he really wanted.

Josh’s grip in his hair tightened almost painfully as Cooper’s hands landed on his hips, holding him against the mattress as he finally reached his destination. The pain of Josh gripping his hair too hard was just enough to distract him from his own need, and he focused on creating a steady rhythm of alternating fast and agonizingly slow strokes. He used his tongue to tease Josh into a series of whimpers, the stream of incoherent words escaping his roommate’s mouth encouraging him. When he felt Josh tense and struggle to thrust into his mouth he eased back a little, slowing his pace as he tightened his grip on Josh’s hip with one hand and reached down with his other hand to yank his own pants open. Just the idea that he was making his best friend whimper and plead for more was enough to drive him to the edge, and he knew neither of them would hold out much longer.

He stroked himself in time to the rhythm he’d established with his mouth and tongue, picking up speed again when Josh groaned and thrust convulsively against the hand holding him down. He took as much of Josh into his mouth as he could and hollowed his cheeks at the same time that he tightened his grip on himself, a muffled groan the only symptom of his own urgent need for release. The sensation the sound sent through Josh was enough to push him over the edge, though, and the fingers in his hair tightened one more time as Josh moaned his release. Cooper swallowed reflexively and pulled back a little, his lips still moving as he stroked even harder. When Josh’s grip on him slackened he tore his mouth away from the other boy and thrust one more time into his fist, hissing through gritted teeth as he came into his hand.

When he recovered enough to move he wiped his slick hand off on his pants and pushed them down over his hips, tossing them on the floor with the rest of their clothes before he slid onto the mattress next to his roommate. He stretched out next to Josh and let his hands explore the warm expanse of the other boy’s chest, barely registering the feeling of a sheet being pulled over both of them. "Cooper," Josh whispered, his voice echoing in the stillness of their room, "I would have returned the favor, you know."

"I know," Cooper said as he somehow summoned the strength to lean up and brush his lips against Josh’s. "Couldn’t wait this time. Hanging out with the guys all night gave me way too much time to think about it. Next time." In the back of Cooper’s mind was a voice nagging at him that maybe he should just tell Josh the truth, that maybe he should just admit that he hadn’t wanted to make Josh feel like he had to do anything for Cooper. He wanted to make Josh feel good, to take his mind off Cooper opening his big mouth about Rachel and make him forget for awhile what was wrong in his life. He wished he could think of it as totally unselfish, but part of it was wanting to be that close to Josh and not wanting to make him feel obligated to return the favor.

He didn’t even like thinking of it in those terms, but he couldn’t say any of that to his roommate without coming way too close to admitting how deep his feelings ran. So instead of telling Josh the truth he settled for pulling his best friend a little closer, turning his face into Josh’s shoulder and planting soft kisses across his skin. He listened to the sound of their breathing in the otherwise silent room and swallowed the rush of fear that this might be the last time he ever got this close to the only person that had ever mattered to him.

Josh stifled a sigh as Cooper absently brushed his lips against his shoulder, his arm around Josh’s waist as his fingers traced a pattern over Josh’s hip. He wasn’t sure what to think about what had just happened, at first he’d been terrified at the prospect of putting his own inexperience on display. Then Cooper had undressed him more gently than Josh ever dreamed his roommate would be capable of, and as soon as Cooper’s mouth closed around him that was the end of any coherent thought until he found himself stretched out on his mattress. He wanted to believe Cooper when he said that he just couldn’t wait, it was true that there was a tension between them all night and it was possible that Cooper just couldn’t stand it anymore.

Still, he couldn’t help wondering if it had something to do with his own inexperience, if Cooper hadn’t wanted to bother with Josh fumbling around or if for him it hadn’t mattered who got him off just as long as someone did. He turned unconsciously into the warm body pressed against him as Cooper’s mouth left his shoulder to nuzzle against his neck, some of the fear and embarrassment flowing out of him. His best friend wanted him, that much he could be sure of. The question was whether he wanted Josh for more than just a handful of nights; he’d said ‘next time’, which implied that he was planning on this happening again, but Josh couldn’t be sure if this was a relationship or just blurring the edges of friendship. He was going to have to ask, as much as he dreaded even the idea he knew they’d have to talk about it before things got any more out of control.

Then Cooper abandoned his neck to capture his lips again and Josh opened his mouth to taste himself on his best friend’s tongue, a fresh wave of desire stirring in him as he kissed Cooper back. Tomorrow, he told himself, closing his eyes and losing himself in the flood of sensations rolling through him. Tonight he just wanted to feel, he just wanted to give himself over to the safety of Cooper’s arms and the way it felt to be pressed against him. He knew they needed to talk about what this meant to their friendship, but there would be plenty of time for talking when they woke up and had to face reality again.

~

The insistent sound of someone banging on the main door of the suite pulled Cooper out of sleep, and he groaned and opened his eyes to find Josh still snoring next to him. He smiled at the image of his best friend’s parted lips and the hair falling over his forehead, watching him sleep as he listened for the sound of Pickle stumbling out of bed to answer the door. When the only sound he heard was another insistent knock he growled and began the slow process of disentangling himself from Josh without waking him up. A couple minutes later he was free of the warm body, feeling far too cold in only his boxers as he crossed the room and pulled open the main door. "What?" he snapped, his eyes narrowing as he realized who’d woken him up.

"I need to talk to Josh," Rachel said, her voice cold as she held Cooper’s gaze.

If he didn’t hate her on principle Cooper might have been impressed by Rachel, she was definitely a girl that knew what she wanted and went after it. She didn’t let anyone scare her off, either, if she was the type to be easily spooked she would have written Josh off during the first round of rumors about him and Cooper. "He’s asleep," Cooper answered, not bothering to check the edge in his own voice. "We didn’t get much sleep last night and I’m not waking him up just so you can rake him over the coals again."

Rachel rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest, her jaw clenching as she prepared for a shouting match with her ex-boyfriend’s roommate. "You might be able to convince those idiots you call your friends that you and Josh are sleeping together but I know him, Cooper. I know him better than you ever could. Now would you just tell him I’m here?"

A smirk turned up the corners of Cooper’s mouth as he listened to her talk, the slightly hysterical edge in her voice as she looked him up and down telling him that she wasn’t as sure of Josh as she pretended to be. "After what you did you think he’s ever gonna look at you again? Have a little self-respect."

"God, Cooper, you’re so pathetic," she hissed, her voice rising slightly. Cooper glanced over his shoulder in the direction of their bedroom, wishing belatedly that he’d thought to shut the door. There was no sign of movement, though, so with any luck Josh was still asleep. "You think just because we broke up that gives you a clear path? Did you really think spreading a bunch of rumors that he dumped me for you was going to make him want you?"

"Who says they’re rumors?" Cooper answered quietly, raising one eyebrow as her eyes widened almost imperceptibly. "Guess you don’t know him as well as you thought you did. Believe what you want, Rachel. I’m going back to bed."

He shut the door as she opened her mouth to argue, taking a deep breath as he leaned against the heavy door and closed his eyes. He’d never meant to make things worse for Josh, when all this started he’d just figured that letting people think Josh dumped Rachel for him was the least damaging of the rumors. It had never dawned on him that it might actually sort of come true at some point, or that he’d end up making things worse. There was no choice now, he was going to have to come clean with Josh about everything and hope his roommate wouldn’t hate him for trying to help. He sighed and opened his eyes again, pushing himself off the door frame and making his way back to their room.

He’d been hoping to find Josh still asleep so he could slip back under the sheet and pull his roommate back into his arms, wake him up slowly and show him how much he needed him before he told him the truth. His heart fell when he found Josh on the edge of the bed, his boxers back on and his gaze locked on Cooper. "Is any of that true?" he asked, the emotionless quality of his voice making Cooper’s throat constrict.

"Josh," Cooper began, his mind racing as he tried to find the words to make his best friend understand what he’d just overheard, "I was just trying to help, I didn’t think it would get this out of control."

"Do you ever think, Cooper?" Josh snapped, his eyes narrowing as he watched the color drain from his roommate’s face. He ignored the twinge of regret at hurting Cooper and focused on the humiliation of falling for his roommate’s act, actually thinking that Cooper might give a damn about him when he’d never cared about anything that didn’t directly affect him before in his life. "What the hell was all of this? For two weeks you’ve been following me around like a secret service agent, and for what?"

As soon as he said it out loud the pieces began to fall into place, the way Cooper had avoided their friends and made sure that Josh was never alone on campus long enough for any of them to say anything to him. The way Cooper had reacted when Josh ran into Jerry, how afraid he’d seemed that Jerry might have said something he didn’t want Josh to hear. And he had, only until that moment Josh hadn’t realized what he meant by it. …it’s great that you’ve got each other. Especially after that whole thing with Rachel, I mean it’s a real drag that you guys had to go through that when you weren’t even into her the whole time. He should have seen it then, but he’d been too busy thinking up a way to thank Cooper for trying to protect him that it hadn’t dawned on him that Jerry thought he and Cooper were dating.

"I don’t get it, why did you think telling everyone we were sleeping together would help?" His blood ran cold when Cooper just stared back at him, his mouth open as he searched for an answer that Josh would buy. The thought of Cooper lying to him again made his cheeks flush with anger and humiliation as he thought of all the times he’d believed his roommate without question. "What about last night? Was that all part of the act?"

Cooper swallowed the urge to beg Josh to just understand, he knew it would be a waste of breath and anyway Josh was being completely unfair. He didn’t understand, and as far as Cooper could tell he didn’t want to. Maybe he really had just been looking for comfort the night before, or maybe he felt sorry for Cooper because he’d looked so pathetic when Josh pulled away from him the first time. The thought of anybody pitying him was too much, and Cooper squared his jaw as he met his roommate’s angry expression. "What the fuck do you care what she thinks?" he snapped, ignoring Josh’s question as he focused all his anger on Rachel and her ill-timed appearance. "She’s a total bitch, Josh. Why do you like her so much?"

"This has nothing to do with Rachel," Josh answered, his stomach twisting as he listened to Cooper avoid the question. He wasn’t going to deny that last night had all been part of some weird plan to convince their friends they were having sex, and the fact that it was true now just made it worse. "I don’t want anyone thinking I’d cheat on them for months. I can’t believe you’d let everyone think that."

"Everybody thought it anyway," Cooper shot back, caught between disgust at Josh for being so naïve and wanting to push his roommate down and kiss him until he forgot what they were fighting about. If he thought that approach had a prayer of working he might try it, but he knew how stubborn Josh was when he was feeling sanctimonious. "What do you think, Josh, that I made up a bunch of stories about us? I didn’t even have to lie, not once. As soon as you broke up with Rachel everybody started talking, I just didn’t deny anything."

"Not telling the truth is the same as lying," Josh reminded him, his voice quiet as he stood up and started pulling on clothes. "Or maybe your parents never got around to teaching you that."

Cooper’s eyes filled with hot tears as he stared at Josh’s back, his eyelids fluttering as he tried to hold them back. He didn’t even know what to say to a low blow like that, a few minutes ago he wouldn’t have believed Josh was capable of hitting that far below the belt. Finally he pulled himself together enough to get his voice to work with him, clearing his throat before he tried to answer. "I know that if there’s nothing to a rumor people lose interest pretty quickly," he said, a jolt of satisfaction tempering his heartbreak as he watched Josh flinch at his words, "and you know the rumor about us wasn’t nothing, Josh."

For a second he thought Josh was going to finally listen to him, give him a chance to explain why he’d let the rumors get so far out of control. He’d never meant to actually lie to Rachel, maybe he wouldn’t have if she hadn’t pushed him. He couldn’t help that he hated her, though, and no matter what Josh felt for her he was going to go on hating her. She couldn’t care about Josh, if she did it wouldn’t have taken convincing her that they were sleeping together to get her to show up looking for answers. He knew he’d handled things a lot differently than Josh would have, but that didn’t change the fact that he’d done it all to keep Josh from getting hurt any more than he already had.

When Josh turned around his expression was stony, though, and any hope that Cooper had that his roommate was going to listen to him disappeared. "I have to get out of here," he muttered as he reached for his jacket. "I’ve gotta figure some things out."

"So that’s it? You don’t even want to hear me out," Cooper asked, although it wasn’t really a question. He already knew the answer, Josh was walking out and that was the way things would end. One night together and then Josh would never speak to him again. This was exactly the reason he didn’t let himself go around falling in love, it hurt way too much when you woke up one day and realized that the other person didn’t love you back. He’d already gone down this road with his parents, and he’d promised himself a long time ago he wasn’t going to repeat stupid childhood mistakes with Josh. Here he was, though, watching while Josh tossed his heart on the floor and ground it into pulp.

"I need to think," Josh said, not quite meeting Cooper’s gaze. It was just as well as far as Cooper was concerned, he knew he didn’t have a prayer of keeping his misery out of his expression and he didn’t really want Josh to see how much it hurt. "I’ll be back later."

Cooper looked down at the floor as Josh brushed past him, not wanting to actually watch him walk away. He thought about calling out something sarcastic about getting started on Josh’s packing for him, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to choke out the words without his voice breaking. So he swallowed against a fresh crop of tears and let Josh walk away, his shoulders shaking just a little as he listened to the sound of the door slamming. Half an hour ago his life had been perfect, and the worst part was that he’d been planning to tell Josh the whole truth when they woke up. Right after he asked Josh to nail him to the mattress he was going to tell him how he felt, and make Josh understand why he’d let everything spiral so far out of control. Maybe Josh wasn’t ready to hear any of it, but he knew he had to be the one to tell him.

Instead Rachel had showed up just in time to ruin everything, a talent she seemed intent on practicing until his life was destroyed beyond recognition. And he couldn’t even go over to her place and kill her with his bare hands because Josh was most likely on his way over there right now to patch things up with her. The thought of his roommate leaving their bed to go make things right with that bitch was too much for Cooper and he shook his head violently, willing the images of the two of them together out of his head. When he reined in the mixture of sorrow and blind fury enough to open his eyes again he pulled on a pair of jeans and the first T-shirt he found and crossed the room in three strides, not even bothering to check to see if it was a decent hour before he knocked on Zeke’s door.

He had to knock three times before the door finally swung open to reveal Zeke rubbing sleep out of his eyes. "Hey, Cooper," he mumbled, blinking as he struggled to focus on the other boy. "What’s up?"

"Sorry, I didn’t know you were asleep," Cooper said, glancing over Zeke’s shoulder into the room. "I was just checking to see if you had any weed to sell."

"Yeah…yeah, I’ve got some stuff left," Zeke said, finally shaking off the last hold of sleep as he stood aside and let Cooper in. "You going out of town or something?"

"No, why?" Cooper asked, frowning at his friend as he settled on the edge of Zeke’s mattress.

"No reason, it’s just…" Zeke trailed off and glanced at his alarm clock before looking back at Cooper again, shaking his head as he wondered what was in the water in the room across the hall. Pickle was weird enough, but compared to Josh and Cooper he was practically normal. "Dude, it’s 7:30 in the morning. Not even I get stoned this early."

Cooper groaned and fell back against Zeke’s pillows, letting his eyes fall closed as he stared up at the ceiling. "Shit, I can’t get anything right," he muttered half to himself. "Sorry, man, I’ll get out of here so you can go back to sleep."

"No, it’s cool, I mean hey, never tried it before, maybe getting stoned first thing is enlightening or something. Stay, chill out. Josh still asleep?"

Cooper bit his lip as he watched Zeke reach for his bong and his stash, telling himself not to bite Zeke’s head off just because he’d asked about Josh. It was Cooper’s fault everyone thought of them as a matched set, after all, he was the one that hadn’t let Josh out of his sight for two weeks. He’d done everything he could to get people to believe that he and Josh were sleeping together, so if his friends were curious he couldn’t blame them. Besides, the guy was willing to get stoned with him at 7:30 in the morning, if that wasn’t friendship he didn’t know what was. "Probably begging Rachel’s forgiveness by now," Cooper muttered, grinning half-heartedly at the shocked look on Zeke’s face. "It’s a long story."

"Well this is the earliest I’ve ever gotten my ass out of bed on a weekend," Zeke said as he settled on the floor in front of his coffee table. "Hell, might be the earliest I’ve gotten out of bed since college started. So it’s not like I don’t have time on my hands. Unless you don’t want to talk about it."

Cooper slid onto the floor on the opposite of the coffee table, reaching for the lighter as Zeke held it out for him. He wasn’t sure telling his friend would make him feel any better, but nothing else had worked so far so maybe it was worth a shot. "It’s all Josh’s fault," he began, reaching for the proffered bong and taking a long hit. He closed his eyes and let the familiar smoke fill his lungs until he couldn’t stand it anymore and breathed out, surrounding himself with a halo of thick, green smoke. "If he wasn’t such a damn girl about everything we wouldn’t be in this mess."

It had been over two weeks since he’d gotten stoned, and as the initial sedative affects of the pot began to take affect he smiled and told himself that maybe he was overreacting. It really was Josh’s fault, after all, all Cooper had been doing was trying to help out a friend and did he get any thanks for it? No, Josh was a jerk about it as usual and Cooper ended up looking like the idiot in the situation. He glanced over at Zeke to find his friend watching him carefully, the urge to laugh taking him by surprise. He knew Zeke was going to think he was insane, giggling like a virgin after one hit, but he couldn’t help himself. The whole situation was so absurd that it shouldn’t even be possible, and yet here he was at 7:30 on a Saturday morning getting stoned with Zeke while Josh was across campus begging Rachel to take him back. "Sorry, man. Where was I? Oh, yeah. He really does act like a girl about the dumbest things. All I was trying to do was help…"

Part Seven

Pickle pulled open the door to the suite Lucy shared with Kristin and Rachel just in time to come face to face with Josh. "Pickle? What are you doing here?"

"Hey, Josh," Pickle said nervously, reaching up to adjust his glasses as he stood aside to let Josh into the room. "I – uh, where’s Cooper?" He changed the subject as quickly as he could, glancing around Josh for any sign of their other roommate.

Josh’s expression darkened at the mention of Cooper’s name and he turned away from Pickle, his heart pounding too hard against his chest as he answered. "He’s back at the dorm, at least he was last time I saw him."

Pickle frowned at the tension in Josh’s voice, wondering what could have happened between Josh and Cooper between now and the night before when they'd seemed oblivious to everything in the world except each other. "Oh, well, I gotta get back myself. So I’ll see you later," he stammered, backing toward the door as Josh walked toward the single and knocked on Rachel’s door. His eyebrows shot up as she opened the door and stood aside to let him in, but when Josh glanced back at him he stepped into the hall and pulled the door shut behind him as quickly as he could.

If he’d been confused about what was going on with his roommates before, now he was mystified. Cooper had made it sound like Josh really had dumped Rachel for him, and he’d seen them sleeping together with his own eyes. Granted all they were doing was sleeping, but guys didn’t just do that with their friends. At least none of the guys he knew did. Then there was the way they’d been hanging all over each other the night before, acting so much like a couple that even Lucy believed they were sleeping together. So if that was the case what was Josh doing in Rachel’s room before 8:00 in the morning?

He frowned and picked up his pace toward his own dorm, not even bothering to stop by his room before he knocked on Zeke’s door. He expected to have to knock a few times before Zeke woke up, but to his surprise the door swung open almost immediately. "Hey Zeke, I know it’s early but you’ll never guess who I just ran into. I was leaving the girls’ dorm and Josh showed up looking for Rachel."

"What were you doing in the girls’ dorm at 7:00 on a Saturday morning?" Cooper asked, drawing Pickle’s attention to his presence for the first time. He watched with a bemused grin as Pickle’s eyes got wide and most of the color drained from his face, his mouth opening and closing again without making a sound. "It’s alright, I figured he was on his way over there."

"Yeah, come on in, man," Zeke said, ushering Pickle into the room and shutting the door behind him. "Cooper was just telling me what’s up with Josh. So you and that Lucy chick hooked up, huh? Cool."

Pickle nodded and took a seat at the coffee table as far away from Cooper as he could without making it obvious that he was just a little afraid of his roommate. He could feel heat creeping into his cheeks at the mention of Lucy’s name, but he was more interested in the fact that Cooper was talking to anybody about Josh, let alone Zeke. Then he looked at the table and realized what they were doing, and the pieces started to fall into place. "Yeah, you know, I walked her home last night after her friends kinda ditched her and we ended up talking most of the night. Nothing happened."

"Lucy, huh? Yeah, I can see you two together," Cooper said, casting an approving smile at his roommate as he offered Pickle the bong.

"Isn’t it kinda early for that?" Pickle asked, glancing quickly at Zeke before he turned back to Cooper.

"Desperate times, man," Zeke answered as he settled back down across from Cooper and reached for the bong. "So Cooper was just catching me up on this Josh situation. Turns out his ex really did have an abortion. Go figure."

Pickle nodded and cast a sympathetic glance at Cooper, although he couldn’t help wondering what that had to do with whatever was going on between his roommates. Lucy had told him over the course of the night that Rachel really had been pregnant, but she’d just assumed like everyone else that Josh and Cooper really were together now. Whether they’d been together before Josh and Rachel broke up nobody knew, although Pickle suspected it was a new development. "Yeah, Lucy told me that part was true. But Josh and Rachel aren’t really getting back together, are they? I mean last night it looked like you guys…"

Cooper’s eyes clouded as Pickle trailed off, either unable or unwilling to finish the thought. He knew it couldn’t be easy for his friends to think about him and Josh as a couple, but he also knew that they’d make an effort to accept it. The only problem was that there was no reason for them to bother, not now that Josh had chosen Rachel. "Beats me, all I know is he got all bent out of shape over one little thing that wasn’t even my fault. I mean you’d think what Rachel did would be a lot harder for him to get past, but he’s over there right now so I guess not."

"What’d you do?" Pickle asked, regretting the question almost instantly when Cooper closed his eyes and let his shoulders fall forward. Suddenly he wasn’t sure he wanted to know, but a second later Zeke cleared his throat.

"All that stuff about Josh and Cooper was just talk," Zeke explained, reaching for the bong to repack it. He filled the bowl quickly and set it down in front of Pickle, handing him the lighter and nodding encouragement when Pickle hesitated. "He didn’t want people talking about the kid so he let everybody believe he and Josh were…you know."

"But I saw you guys," Pickle said before he could stop himself. His eyes were wide behind his glasses when Cooper looked up, fear etched in his features as he stammered an explanation. "I mean…that morning after Josh freaked out. I opened your door and you two were both sleeping in his bed."

"Yeah, he scared the hell out of me that night," Cooper said, none of his usual cheerfulness in his voice. Instead he just sounded worn out, as though two weeks of chasing around after Josh had taken a bigger toll than any of them realized. "I didn’t know what else to do. Mostly I was just trying to keep him from losing it again."

Pickle and Zeke exchanged worried glances as they listened to Cooper talk, they’d never heard him sound so resigned about anything and it was more than a little unsettling. "But last night…you guys seemed really tight."

Cooper smiled half-heartedly at the memory of the night before, wishing not for the first time that they could rewind the last couple hours so he could tell Josh the truth before Rachel showed up. If he’d just done it last night when he had the chance, told Josh how he felt, maybe none of this would be happening now. Then again if Josh cared at all about him he would have heard him out, wouldn’t he? Cooper shook his head to chase away the argument he’d been having with himself since Josh walked out and looked up at his friends again. "Yeah, well, that was before Rachel showed up this morning. Once he heard her say that I was the one spreading rumors about us all over campus he freaked out. Maybe he was just looking for an excuse, last night was probably a big mistake."

"It didn’t look like it last night," Pickle said, somehow holding Cooper’s gaze in spite of the fact that he wasn’t at all sure he should say anything. He knew Cooper wouldn’t appreciate it if he started defending Josh or Rachel, but he also knew how his roommates looked when they were together. "I mean if there wasn’t something there he wouldn’t have been so mad when he thought you lied, right? Once he figures out that you weren’t really spreading rumors he’ll get over it."

"I don’t think so." Cooper took the bong that Zeke held out and lit it again, closing his eyes as he let the smoke fill his lungs. If Josh went straight to Rachel’s place after their argument he could pretty much assume that he wouldn’t be seeing his roommate any time soon, and when he did it would probably be just to watch Josh pack. Really it should be him packing, though, because without Josh in his life there was no reason for him to stay in school anymore. He’d always known it was only a matter of time before he flunked out and went home to work for his father, so he might as well get it over with. Anything was better than watching Josh and Rachel pretending to be the perfect couple again, even cleaning toilets forty hours a week had to beat that.

He stood up slowly, realizing too late that maybe getting stoned first thing in the morning wasn’t the best idea he’d ever had. "I gotta go," he said as he made his way toward the door. "Thanks, guys."

"Where are you going?" Pickle asked, standing up to follow his roommate across the hall.

"Beats me," Cooper answered, pausing in front of the door that would lead them into the suite. The night before came flooding back to him and he closed his eyes against the memory, wishing all over again that he’d just told Josh the truth when he had the chance. He forced the memory as far back in his subconscious as it would go, willing away the smell of Josh still clinging to his clothes. He thought about taking a shower, but he was pretty sure he’d still be able to smell his roommate. In fact he had the sinking feeling he’d never forget a single thing about Josh, no matter how many times he got high and told himself it was all a big mistake. "I just don’t wanna look at this room anymore."

"Do you wanna switch beds with me?" Pickle offered as Cooper pushed the door open and led him into the room.

"Thanks, but I can’t stay here," Cooper answered. "I mean what’s the point? I’m gonna get kicked out eventually anyway, might as well beat them to it." He ignored the nagging voice in the back of his head that told him he was wrong, that over the past two weeks he’d proven to himself that he could do the work and prove his father wrong. He crossed to the bedroom he shared with Josh and froze in the doorway, swallowing hard as he glanced over at Josh’s bed and found his roommate staring back at him.

"Cooper, you okay?" Pickle asked, stopping short just behind Cooper as he realized what his roommate was staring at.

"Yeah, fine," Cooper said, shaking his head and tearing his gaze away from Josh’s as he tried to decide how to pack up all his belongings in the shortest amount of time possible. "See you later, Pickle."

Pickle nodded and stole another glance at Josh, but his other roommate was staring at Cooper’s back as he watched the other boy pull a bag out of his closet and drop it on his desk chair. Slowly Pickle backed out of the room and closed the door, hoping his roommates would somehow find a way to work it out.

"What are you doing?"

The sound of Josh’s voice made Cooper flinch, but he managed somehow not to turn around and face the other boy. "What does it look like?"

"Cooper, you don’t have to move out," Josh said as he watched his roommate tossing clothes into the bag.

Finally Cooper turned around, biting down hard on the insides of his cheeks to keep himself from betraying what it was doing to him to be alone with Josh without being able to touch him. "Well I’m not staying here," he answered, somehow keeping his voice even as he held the other boy’s gaze.

A heavy sigh escaped Josh’s throat as he stood up and took the shirt Cooper was holding out of his hand. "Look, I’m sorry I left, okay? I’d already said some stuff I didn’t mean, I didn’t want to make it any worse before I had a chance to calm down. That’s why I left, it doesn’t mean I want you to move out."

Cooper scowled and reached for the shirt Josh had pulled out of his hand, his eyes narrowing as Josh refused to give it up. "Let go," he said, his tone almost pleading as he looked up at the other boy.

"No."

"Why are you doing this?" Cooper asked, his resolve to say as little to his roommate as possible beginning to fade as Josh held his gaze.

"Well, for one thing, it’s my shirt," Josh answered, the hint of a smirk turning up the corners of his mouth as he watched Cooper frown and let go of the shirt. "Look, Cooper, can we just talk about it?"

"What’s there to say, Josh? You don’t want to know why I let everybody believe a lie. And considering how long it took you to run back to Rachel…" He paused and swallowed against the lump in his throat, willing himself not to cry. It never really bothered him to cry in front of Josh, but this time it was his best friend causing the heartache and he didn’t want Josh pitying him any more than he already did. "Forget it. What are you even doing here? I thought you’d be in the middle of make-up sex by now."

The bitterness in his words was tempered by the sob that caught in his throat as he finished speaking, but he coughed and turned away before he had a chance to gauge Josh’s reaction. The last thing he wanted to think about was Josh and Rachel doing anything that involved nudity, but he couldn’t help wondering what his roommate was doing back so soon. He was supposed to be begging Rachel’s forgiveness, unless she’d decided she didn’t want him back after all. Which would explain why Josh was trying to make up with him now…Cooper’s heart fell as that thought occurred to him and he closed his eyes against the wave of nausea that threatened to overtake him.

Josh’s own heart fell as he watched Cooper squeeze his eyes shut, his heart pounding against his chest as he realized for the first time that he might not be able to fix things between them. He still didn’t know what Cooper wanted from him, but after just a few minutes of talking to Rachel he’d realized that he was as much to blame for things getting out of control as Cooper was. If he’d just been honest in the beginning about the way he felt they never would have been in this mess, but he was too worried about doing what everyone expected of him to realize that he wasn’t happy. The thought that Cooper might have just been putting on an act the night before hurt his pride as much as his heart, and he’d run out before his roommate got a chance to explain just to avoid having to hear that it was a mistake.

Part of him almost wished they could just erase the past few weeks and go back to the way things were when they were still just best friends, but even if they could do that he knew they’d be standing here eventually. His feelings were there a few weeks ago, he’d just ignored them until he couldn’t anymore. What he needed to know now was if Cooper felt anything even close to what Josh was feeling, and if he’d ruined things by running out on their argument that morning. "I didn’t go talk to Rachel to try to get her to take me back," he answered quietly, summoning up all the will power left in him just to keep himself from reaching out and touching the inviting curve of Cooper’s exposed neck. "You don’t have a clue why I went over there, do you?"

When Cooper turned around to face him again his eyes were shining with unshed tears, and Josh’s heart swelled with hope for the first time since he’d walked out of their room that morning. He didn’t really like the idea of making his best friend cry, but the fact that Cooper was that hurt gave him hope that maybe his roommate was feeling at least some of what he felt. "You didn’t want her thinking you cheated on her. I get it, Josh."

"No, you don’t," Josh answered, shaking his head as he finally gave in and took a step toward the other boy. He stopped himself just short of actually touching Cooper, but he took comfort in the fact that his roommate didn’t make a move to back away. "I didn’t want her thinking I cheated on her, but it’s not because I wanted her back. Nothing’s changed, we both still have to live with her decision. But she’s the only person that knows how I feel about it, you’ve been great about trying to understand but she’s the only one that’s feeling it too."

"So you went over there to talk about how you feel about the baby?" Cooper asked, wincing at the flash of sorrow in Josh’s eyes.

"Yes and no." Josh smiled sadly at Cooper’s confused expression, pausing as he tried to come up with the best way to explain it. "I just wanted to put some things to rest, you know? I mean we never really talked about it, and it was hard not to wonder how she felt at the time. I just wanted to try to start to put it behind me. And I didn’t want her thinking I’d been cheating on her all this time, but I didn’t lie to her about how I feel. I mean I was with her for all the wrong reasons, she had a right to know that."

"So why aren’t you mad at me anymore?"

Josh took a deep breath to try and calm down his wildly beating heart, wondering too late if he had the courage to do this. For the past two weeks he’d let Cooper handle everything, he’d just followed his best friend’s lead right down to the first time they kissed. He’d known last night that he was going to have to ask Cooper how he felt about what was happening between them, but after this morning the answer seemed even more important. He was positive that Cooper at least felt some kind of affection for him, but whether or not his roommate was capable of making a commitment he wasn’t sure at all. "I wasn’t really mad," he answered. "I mean yeah, you could have just trusted me with the truth. It’s not like I would have broken, but I know why you were trying to protect me. It was just listening to you and Rachel this morning – the thought that last night was all part of some act – it threw me, I guess."

"You really think I’d come on to you just to keep a rumor going?" Cooper asked, hurt evident in his tone as he held Josh’s gaze.

Josh shrugged helplessly and looked down at the floor between them, suddenly ashamed of himself for having that little faith in his own best friend. He should be able to trust Cooper, but when it came to just handing over his heart he had no idea what to think. This was the first time he’d ever felt this way, and he was terrified it would be over before it started. "Considering your track record with girls, yeah. I mean you never bring the same girl home twice, Coop, what was I supposed to think?"

"Yeah, well, you were wrong." Josh felt a hand slide under his chin, forcing him to look up into Cooper’s eyes. For a split second Josh thought Cooper was going to kiss him, but as soon as their eyes met Cooper let go of him and took a step backwards. "I wouldn’t do that, Josh. I…you’re my best friend."

"So that’s it?" Josh asked before he had a chance to think it through. Even as he said the words he told himself he already had his answer, they were friends but Cooper was never going to declare his undying love or anything like that. He just wasn’t that kind of guy. He’d already said it, though, so he might as well hear the humiliating truth before he resigned himself to the fact that they were just going to be friends. "We’re friends? Boyfriends? Fuck buddies? What do you want?"

Cooper opened his mouth and then closed it again without saying anything. His brain was still stuck back on the sound of the words ‘fuck buddies’ actually coming out of Josh’s mouth – his Josh, the naïve kid from Indiana that didn’t say stuff his mother wouldn’t approve of – and the fact that he actually knew what that meant. That wasn’t what Cooper wanted, but he knew he’d take it if it was the only way he could have Josh. He wasn’t any good at stuff like this, he didn’t know how to tell Josh what he wanted without telling him everything. Instead of answering he closed the distance between them and curled his fingers into the front of Josh’s shirt, pulling him close as he leaned up to fuse their lips together.

Josh gasped against Cooper’s mouth and reached out to pull him impossibly closer, his hands working their way under Cooper’s shirt to push the fabric over his chest. He still had no idea what Cooper wanted from him, but even though he knew he should stop and make his roommate answer the question he wasn’t sure if he could. He wanted this too much, even if it was only until Cooper got bored and moved on to someone more interesting. If he stopped to think about it he would have been disgusted at his lack of self-respect, but he couldn’t push Cooper away just because he knew he was going to get hurt eventually.

Finally he worked Cooper’s shirt up over his shoulders, pulling away long enough to tug it over his head and drop it on the floor. "That’s my shirt too, you know," he murmured as Cooper leaned in again and pressed a soft kiss to the side of his neck. He sighed as a low chuckle escaped the other boy’s throat, sending a shiver down his spine to center in his groin. His hands gripped Cooper’s hair as the mouth on his neck began moving across his jaw line to capture his lips again, Cooper’s hands gripping his hips to back them toward his bed. Together they wrestled their way out of the rest of their clothes, hitting the mattress in a tangle of limbs. They rolled so Cooper was leaning over Josh, his hands braced on either side of Josh’s face as he brushed their lips together again. Josh groaned and thrust up against the body pressing him into the mattress, his hands in Cooper’s hair as he tried to deepen the kiss.

"Wait," Cooper gasped, tearing his mouth away from Josh’s again to search his eyes. "I want you, Josh."

"I think I got that part," Josh said, the nervous edge in his voice tempering his attempt at sarcasm.

Cooper shook his head and rolled off the other boy to reach for his nightstand, feeling around in the top drawer until he found what he was looking for. When he finally found the small tube he took off the cap, squeezing a little lube onto his fingers and reaching down to stroke Josh. "No, I mean I want you inside me. If you want to."

"Seriously?" Josh choked out, his eyes wide as he struggled not to come just from Cooper’s hand teasing him. As if he could sense Josh’s urgency Cooper stopped stroking and closed his fist around the base, leaning toward Josh and planting a trail of soft kisses along his throat to his chest.

"Seriously," he answered, his mouth moving across Josh’s skin as he waited until Josh could breathe again. When the worst of the urgency passed he released his grip and rolled onto his back, reaching up to pull Josh down for a kiss.

Josh swallowed against the surge of fear that welled up inside him at the prospect of what he was about to do. He’d thought about it before, sure, but fantasy and reality were two totally different things and he had no idea what he was doing. Cooper seemed to know that too, though, because he reached for Josh’s hand and squeezed some lube onto his fingers before guiding it to the entrance of his body. Josh brushed slick fingers experimentally over hot skin, lingering wherever he elicited a breathy moan from the body underneath him. When he brushed Cooper’s entrance again Cooper pushed down to meet him, his finger sliding easily into tight heat. "Oh God," he murmured, mesmerized by the sight of even his finger sliding in and out of his roommate.

Slowly he added a second finger, his heart in his throat as he waited for Cooper to protest or wince or show any sign that he was in pain. When Cooper just groaned and thrust up to meet him he started moving faster, reminding himself to breathe as he watched Cooper’s face. He wished he could read the other boy’s mind, just so he’d know for sure what Cooper was thinking. Whenever he’d imagined this he’d never really seen Cooper as the type to actually want to bottom, and he wished he knew whether or not it meant something that his best friend wanted to do this with him. Then Cooper’s eyes opened and he stopped thinking at all, he stopped breathing and leaned forward to fuse their lips together as he slowly pulled his hand away and settled between Cooper’s legs.

Cooper groaned and wrapped his legs around Josh’s hips, gritting his teeth as Josh slowly slid inside him. It took all of Josh’s remaining willpower not to come on the spot when Cooper tensed against the sudden invasion. For a long moment all either of them could do was breathe as Cooper struggled to relax, their eyes locked as Josh told himself he was imagining things. There was no way Cooper was looking at him with that mixture of fear and desperate need, his best friend couldn’t possibly be nervous about what they were doing. This was just sex for him, just like all the girls he’d had to listen to Cooper with over the past few months.

Then Cooper thrust up again and Josh’s eyes slid closed as a tortured moan escaped his throat. He couldn’t focus on what Cooper felt about him, he couldn’t focus on anything except the blinding pleasure pulsing through his extremities. Slowly they began to move together, picking up speed as they fell into a breathless rhythm. Josh had never felt anything like it in his life, the tight heat threatened to overload his senses way too soon. Cooper’s own painful erection slid between them, but it wasn’t quite enough friction to get him where he wanted to be. Josh reached between them with a hand still slick with lube and wrapped his fingers around Cooper’s length, stroking in counter rhythm with their thrusts.

It only took a few strokes before Cooper thrust up hard, practically lifting them both off the mattress as he moaned his release. Josh gasped, his own orgasm taking him by surprise as he buried his face in Cooper’s neck. They stayed that way until they both lost track of time, their breathing slowly returning to normal as Cooper traced circles on Josh’s back and shoulders. Finally Josh slid off Cooper, sighing at the loss of their connection as he stretched out next to the other boy. Automatically Cooper turned into him, wrapping one arm around his waist as he planted soft kisses along Josh’s jaw line.

"You didn’t answer the question," Josh said softly, one hand running through Cooper’s hair as he prayed Cooper wouldn’t hear his heart pounding. He had to know, though, there was no way he was going to be able to keep sleeping with his roommate and keep his emotions out of it. He hadn’t been able to keep his feelings out of anything he did lately, and if this kept up it was only going to get worse.

Cooper sighed and pressed his forehead into Josh’s chest, listening to the sound of his roommate’s heart pounding too fast against his rib cage. He flattened his palm against warm skin and took a deep breath as he tried to tell himself that it was physical exertion making Josh’s heart beat fast and not anticipation of Cooper’s answer. He’d hoped Josh would have forgotten the question by now, but he should have known better. Josh never forgot anything that was important to him, it was one of his most annoying qualities. The thing was, though, that it seemed really important to Josh to know where they stood, and Cooper wanted to take that as a good sign. If Josh was determined to know what he wanted he had no choice but to tell him and hope it didn’t destroy whatever was between them.

"I want you, Josh," he said, finally forcing himself to look up at his roommate. His heart skipped a beat when he found Josh staring back at him, his expression as vulnerable as it had been any time Josh had cried about the kid he’d never know over the past two weeks. "Just you and me for however long you can stand me."

Josh swallowed hard and pulled his hand away from Cooper’s hair to wrap his arms around the other boy possessively. He still wasn’t sure if he could trust that Cooper could keep a promise like that, but he knew that he wanted to try. "Coop, you’re still my best friend," Josh said when he found his voice again. "Even when you drive me crazy I always want you around."

A nervous grin turned up the corners of Cooper’s mouth as he focused his gaze on Josh’s chin. "You say that now. People get sick of me fast. Hell, my own mother..."

The rest of his sentence was cut off by Josh’s lips pressing against his, gently urging his mouth open. He didn’t even know what he was doing, but he wanted Cooper to know that he wasn’t planning to get sick of him anytime soon. It didn’t matter that his parents were stupid and didn’t know what they were missing, it didn’t matter if nobody else understood Cooper the way Josh did. As long as Cooper knew that Josh wanted to be right where he was everything would be fine. When he pulled away so they could breathe he met Cooper’s gaze again, his breath catching in his throat at the other boy’s vulnerable expression. "I haven’t gotten sick of you yet," he whispered, smiling as he watched Cooper swallow convulsively. "I’m not really sure what’s happening here, I mean I know you’re not really into long-term commitment or anything…"

Cooper shook his head and leaned forward again, burying his face in Josh’s neck so he wouldn’t have to look in those eyes when he said it. "I love you," he whispered, barely loud enough for either of them to hear it.

Josh froze and pulled away just enough to look down at Cooper, his heart pounding even louder as he told himself he couldn’t possibly have heard right. His throat felt tight and he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to speak even if he knew what to say. Never in all the times he’d imagined this moment had he ever expected Cooper to say those words. When he didn’t answer Cooper slowly began to ease out of his arms, avoiding eye contact with the other boy as he pulled away. "I know you don’t feel the same," he muttered, struggling to keep his voice even. "I mean you and Rachel…you guys just broke up and all."

He’d seen Cooper terrified before, but he wasn’t sure he’d ever seen his roommate as miserable as he was right now. His heart ached as he tightened his grip on Cooper and pulled him back down on the mattress, cursing himself for not realizing what was right in front of him for so long. "No, I mean I thought I loved Rachel, but I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I love you, Cooper." He took a deep breath and waited for Cooper to say something, figuring when he didn’t answer right away that maybe he just needed a minute to process Josh’s words. When Cooper still didn’t say anything he waited some more, doing his best not to get paranoid. He was almost positive Cooper had just said he loved him, but the past twenty-four hours had been so confusing that he couldn’t be sure he hadn’t imagined it.

Just as he started to worry Cooper reached up and placed one hand behind Josh’s neck, fusing their lips together again. He rolled over so Josh was pinned underneath him, pulling back to grin down at his best friend. "You better mean that."

"Of course I do," Josh answered seriously. "I just didn’t think you…I mean…"

"You know what your problem is, Josh? You think way too much," Cooper said as he covered the other boy’s mouth with his again. Josh chuckled against Cooper’s mouth, wrapping his arms around Cooper’s back as he lost himself in the kiss. He’d never admit it to Cooper, but for once he had a point.

The End