Title: The Road Home

Author/pseudonym: Caroline Crane

Fandom: Dead Man on Campus

Paring: Josh/Cooper

Rating: R for language

Status: complete

Archive: yes to list archives

Series/Sequel: Part six of my Sorrow Series. This one follows "That Kind of Morning". I finished another series! Yay me. Earlier parts can be found at my website.

The Road Home
by Caroline Crane

Two days. That was as long as I could stand moping around my folks' house, and I guess it was as long as my dad could stand to look at me because when I told him I wanted to go back to school all he did was shake his head and call for a car. He knew what I was going back there to do, and the weird thing is I think he was a little disappointed. I mean I thought it would make him happy to know I was giving up on something he saw as a character flaw, but when I told him he didn't say he was glad I'd finally come to my senses. For awhile he just looked at me without really saying anything, then he just shook his head and told me it was my decision.

That alone probably should have made me wonder, because Pop had never once passed on the opportunity to make a decision for me as long as I lived. He always had something to say about whatever was going on in my life, so the fact that he kept his nose out of things between me and Josh made me wonder. I guess part of me was hoping he would have something to say about it, even if it was just to tell me he wasn't about to let me waste any more of his money just because I managed to screw up my relationship. At least that way I would have had somebody to blame when I had to stay and face Josh again, but when the old man didn't give me an out I actually had to decide on my own what I was gonna do.

I knew what I had to do, I guess I was just looking for somebody to talk me out of it. At least that way when things didn't work out I'd have somebody to blame. For the first time in my life Pop wasn't willing to take the fall, though – kinda gave me a new respect for the guy. So I packed up the few things I'd brought home for the second time in three days and got in the car he called to take me back to school, wishing the whole time I was still driving the rental car so I wouldn't have to think about anything but the road. Sitting in the back of a Towncar gives you way too much time to dwell on whatever you're trying to avoid, and by the time I got back to our apartment I was going crazy just trying not to think about it anymore.

When I let myself into the apartment it looked exactly the same as it did when I left; I don't know what I was expecting, it wasn't like Josh was going to race back to school to make sure I didn't do what I was about to do. As far as he knew I was still in New York anyway; he didn't have any reason to think I'd go back to school the day after Christmas. Campus was deserted, of course, but I figured if I was gonna brood I might as well do it right. Besides, moving back into the dorm when everybody was still home for break saved me having to answer a lot of questions. I knew I'd still have to answer them later, but for now I just wanted to get my stuff packed and out of our place before Josh got back.

That was the thing – I knew I couldn't look him in the face and still walk away. Inner strength was part of Josh's job description and it never bothered me before, not until I found out that part of the strength routine meant he was keeping our whole life a secret from his family. And maybe it was partly my fault because I'd never asked about his dad, but that still didn't explain why I'd had to follow him all the way to Indiana just to find out the truth. As soon as I saw how scared he was to introduce me to his mom it felt like everything he'd ever said to me was a lie, and even though I wanted to believe him I couldn't. Not when he just stood there and watched me walk away.

He probably went back inside after I drove away and told himself he'd tried to stop me, that he'd done everything he could and I was just being stubborn. It wasn't like I really thought he'd run after me and kiss me in the middle of the street or anything, and even if he did I don't know if I would have stayed. Okay, it would have been a pretty good start, but there was no way Josh would do something like that. I'm not even sure it would dawn on him that something like that might work with me, he was usually too busy telling me that I was driving him crazy and that he needed me to leave him alone so he could concentrate.

The longer I stood in the middle of our bedroom thinking about it the harder it was to remember why we were together in the first place. I couldn’t do anything without Josh telling me I was being too loud or too annoying or even just breathing wrong; yeah, maybe I tried a little too hard to get his attention sometimes but if it wasn't for me all he'd ever do was study. I mean if Josh had moved in with Pickle or Jerry that first semester he'd probably still be dressing in those dorky sweaters his mom always sends him for his birthday and spending all his time in the library. At least he's loosened up a little since he moved in with me, maybe not as much as he could but I thought we were making some progress.

When I heard the front door open I thought for a second that maybe I'd forgotten to lock it or something, but when he called my name my stomach did this weird little dance number and I picked up the suitcase I was supposed to be packing. I dropped it on the bed and opened it before I walked over to the closet and started pulling clothes out. As long as I didn't look at him I'd be okay, at least that was what I kept telling myself. I just couldn't look at him, because as soon as I did I'd cave. And I couldn't afford to cave, it hurt too much to think about the look on his face when I told him his mom had caught us together.

"What are you doing?"

It just wasn't right that his voice could still do that to me; after a year and a half shouldn't I be able to hear it without my knees giving out? "What's it look like? I'm getting out of your hair, Josh. You obviously don't need the hassle."

"You're not a hassle, Cooper. Come on, don't do this."

I kept tossing clothes in the direction of the bed while he talked, keeping my back to him so he couldn't see how hard it was for me not to give in. Jesus, he'd barely said two fucking sentences and I already wanted to tell him I'd stay. That alone was reason enough to get the hell out of there, because if I didn't there was no way I was ever getting Josh out of my system. "What are you doing here?" I asked. "I thought you were back home dealing with your mom."

"You left before I got a chance to give you your Christmas present," he said. His voice was a little further inside the room now but I still didn't let myself look over at him. A fucking Christmas present…after everything that happened it just figured he'd come up something lame like that.

"Yeah, well, I don't feel much like celebrating." I looked down at the shirt in my hands, focusing on the dark green cotton that looked almost black if you held it right. And I couldn't remember if it was his or mine, I knew both of us had worn it but I couldn't remember where it came from. "Is this yours or mine?" I asked, holding it up while I stared at the closet and wondered how many more times I was going to have to ask him that. I didn't know how soon after we moved in together that everything became 'ours', but suddenly cutting my losses and getting the hell out of his life seemed a lot more complicated.

I heard him move but I didn't turn toward him when he pulled the shirt out of my hand and dropped it on the floor. Somewhere in the back of my head that struck me as funny; Josh was usually the one picking up clothes I'd tossed wherever and now he was just throwing stuff around like it didn't matter. "You're not moving out, Coop," he said, his voice right next to my ear and damn if it wasn't even sexier than he was probably going for. I would have laughed at his totally obvious plan to seduce me into staying, probably would have gone along with it too just for the sake of watching him try to seduce someone for the first time in his life. I wanted to laugh, but with the weight pressing down on my chest I could barely even breathe.

I didn't answer him; I was pretty sure if I tried to talk I'd lose it and I couldn't stand the thought of breaking down in front of Josh again. It was one thing to hang out in my folks' house and brood until the old man couldn't stand looking at me anymore, but if I started crying in front of Josh it would take him less than five minutes to talk me into staying. And I couldn't stay, not with everything that had happened in the past week. Not when I knew now that he was so ashamed of who he was that he'd rather let me walk away than take a chance that one of the neighbors might see him kiss me.

The shirt he'd dropped was still lying on the floor in front of the closet, so I reached down and picked it up. "Just answer the fucking question," I said when I got my voice back under control.

"I don't know, Cooper. Alright? I don't know whose goddamn shirt it is." Fuck. Just…damn, that wasn't good, because I didn't have to look to know he was crying, and Josh didn't cry. He'd never cried, not once in the entire time I'd known him. He didn't even cry when his father died, but sure enough when I turned around he was standing there watching me with tears streaming down his face.

He must not have been expecting me to turn around, because as soon as I did he looked away and starting wiping at his cheeks like maybe if he pretended he was fine I wouldn't notice. "Josh…"

"No," he said, his voice was thick and I could tell he was having a hard time talking but I got the feeling if I tried to touch him he'd just push me away. "It doesn't matter, you're gonna leave no matter what I say. You know I can't afford this place by myself, Cooper. But you probably didn't think of that when you were planning your dramatic exit. Take whatever you want, I don't care."

The thing about Josh is that he's always so fucking logical; most people probably think of that as a good thing, but sometimes it drove me so nuts that I wanted to scream at him to just stop thinking for a little while. "That's what this is about? The goddamn rent?" I shook my head when he looked up at me, for once grateful that he was actually looking at us breaking up as a financial problem. At least that way I could stay mad at him and I wouldn't have to feel guilty about making him cry. "Jesus, Josh, just once can't you stop fucking thinking about that stuff?"

"I can't, don't you get that yet?" He wasn’t even bothering trying to pretend he wasn't crying anymore, not that he was doing a good job of it anyway but at least while he was trying I didn't have to feel so bad. "You've never had to think about that stuff, your whole life somebody's just taken care of it for you. You don't get your way and your dad buys you back into the dorm or wherever the hell you're going, but it's not that easy for everybody. You think I like working in the housing office and studying four hours a day while you're out doing whatever the hell it is you do?"

We'd had this argument before, he'd yelled at me about taking everything I had for granted and I'd yelled at him about taking everything so seriously all the time. He'd never had that look in his eyes before, though, like he was just barely holding it together and the next thing I said could break him. He'd never looked so close to that guy that I really thought might jump off the bridge our first semester of college, the guy I thought I was gonna lose before I even knew how much I needed him because I'd only been thinking about myself. And I swore that night I was never gonna take Josh for granted again, but that hadn't even lasted a day.

"Josh, I'm sorry." I knew it probably didn't mean anything to him at this point but I had to try. "I wouldn't do that to you…I'll take care of it. You don't have to worry about the lease, if you wanna stay here I'll take care of it."

"You'll take care of it." Something about the way he said it made me wonder if that was the wrong thing to say; I knew how he felt about taking money from me but I was the one moving out, so technically I had to keep paying rent until the lease was up anyway.

"I didn't mean it like that, Josh. I'm just trying to make this as easy on both of us as I can."

"How can this be easy? I don't even know why you're leaving, Cooper. I should have told you about my dad before I went home, and I should have told my mom about us a long time ago. I'm sorry, but you don't know what it's like there."

An image of three thick-necked barflies flashed in my mind, and I winced at the memory of how uncomfortable it must have been for Josh to sit there with his boyfriend and three guys that would probably have thought about killing both of us if they knew we were sleeping together. "I know what it's like. Just because I grew up with more money than you doesn't mean my life was automatically perfect."

"It's not about money, it's not even about me," he said. He wiped his face again, swallowing the rest of his tears and shoving my suitcase over so he could sit down on the bed. "I know I fucked up, Coop. Believe me, I've heard enough about it in the past couple days to know that. But it's not as simple as just coming out and ignoring the looks and the comments from the guys at home and hoping none of them decide to teach me a lesson. My mom and sister have to live there, and Sarah's still got another year of school after this one. I don't want her getting picked on or worse because of me."

There weren't a lot of people in the world that could make me feel like a complete bastard without even trying, but Josh was a master at it. It wasn't like he even meant to make me feel selfish, he was just being honest for the first time. Maybe if he'd told me before all this happened that he was keeping us a secret to protect his kid sister I would have understood, but I had a feeling he shouldn't have had to tell me. I knew I had to say something, even if I'd pissed him off enough that he'd decided me moving out was a good idea I couldn't just let him think it was all his fault. The thing was that I didn't know how to say it, and I didn't want to make him feel worse than he already did.

"How'd you even know I was here?"

"I called your house. Your housekeeper said you were packing and you couldn't come to the phone." He sighed and looked up at me, and the look on his face was almost worse than when he was crying. He looked worn out, the way he had the whole time I was at his house. I had the same urge to put my arms around him and make him lie down that I always did when he got like that, but I wasn't sure he'd let me anymore.

"How'd you get here so fast?"

"Bought a plane ticket," he said, smiling a little and even though he still looked miserable it made me wonder if there was a way we could fix things after all. "I'm gonna have to get a second job just to pay off my mom's credit card bill, but I had a feeling if I took the bus you'd already be gone by the time I got here."

He was right, too; I came back early so I could get the hell out of there before he showed up and tried to talk me out of it. The fact that he'd actually charged a plane ticket to try to change my mind should have made me feel good, but instead I felt even more guilty. It would take me forever to talk him into letting me pay for the plane ticket, but he'd give in eventually. First I had to figure out a way to make up for a lot of other stuff, though. Like trying to run out on us the first time things got a little messy.

"How'd you get your mom to let you come back so early?" It wasn't really the question I wanted to ask – what I really wanted to know was how she took the truth about us. I couldn't see her kicking him out of her life so soon after they buried his dad, but I didn't really know her so I could have been reading the whole family all wrong.

"Are you kidding? I'm surprised she didn't throw me out the minute she found out I let you leave. You should have seen her…and Sarah called me some names I didn't even think she knew." He smiled for real then and all I wanted to do was kiss him, but so far he wasn't making a lot of sense so I figured it wasn't the best time.

"Why were they mad at you because I left?"

He ran his hands through his hair and sighed, and I wanted to take the question back just so he'd keep smiling. The last thing I wanted to do was make him feel bad – or worse, make him cry again – but I had to hear the truth even if he told me his mom never wanted to see either of us again.

"First Mom was pissed that I didn't just tell her the truth to begin with. She wasn't exactly happy about the way she found out." He looked up at me again, his face flushed at the memory of what his mom walked in on. "Once she got over that she was sure you left because you were embarrassed. I tried to explain that you don't get embarrassed, but I don't think she got it. Sarah thought it was pretty funny that Mom walked in on us, but she was mad when she found out why you left."

"So your mom's okay with…" I stopped before I said 'us' or anything like it, because suddenly I wasn't even sure there was an us anymore. I mean he'd asked me not to move out, but if he told me to leave at that point I wouldn't have blamed him. After everything he went through to keep us both in school I should have learned to think stuff through before I overreacted, or at least I could have remembered that no matter what Josh did he always thought about how it would affect both of us. I never did that; when he told me he had too much homework and he couldn't go out with the guys I never stopped to think about the fact that maybe he'd rather be doing something else. I guess I always just figured he liked studying, it never sank in until that moment that he had to.

"I don't think she'll be planning a coming out party for me anytime soon or anything," he said, and I could see the hurt even though he tried not to show it. "But yeah, I mean she's dealing. She really likes you, so that's a plus. I mean it was, unless it doesn't matter anymore."

The look on his face when he said it…it made me wish he'd just take a swing at me. It might not have made him feel any better to hit me but at least I would have felt less like I'd kicked somebody's puppy. "Josh, I'm sorry. I'm a selfish bastard, and I know you deserve a lot better. It was just so weird to be around you and not be able to act normal…I just didn't think about what it was like for you."

I sat down next to him, and when he didn't stand up or pull away it was a little easier to breathe. He was staring at his knees, his hands folded in front of him and I knew I was pushing it but I couldn't help it. Before I could talk myself out of it I reached over and ran a hand through his hair, my heart skipping a beat when he turned to look at me. "It's my fault," he said, and the worst part was that I could tell he really believed that. "I should have told her the truth a long time ago. I shouldn't have been so scared about what people would think. It's just that when we're here life back home doesn't even seem real."

"It's okay, Josh." It figured that even after I was a total asshole without even bothering to hear him out he'd still apologize for handling his own mother wrong. "I shouldn't have freaked out, I shouldn't have just left like that and I definitely shouldn't have come back here and started packing." I glanced over my shoulder at the pile of clothes I'd already tossed in the suitcase, groaning as I realized for the first time I was gonna have to put it all away again. "I don't even know if half that stuff is mine. How am I gonna move out when we've been wearing the same clothes all year?"

And I never would have thought that just the sound of his laugh would do that to me, but suddenly my chest felt tight and I had to put my arms around him and pull him close just to keep my heart from exploding. His hand landed in my hair, sending little shivers down my spine every time he stroked the back of my neck. "Okay, so we're both morons," he said, his voice muffled against my shoulder. "Hey Coop?"

"Yeah?" I didn't want to let go of him, but when he pulled back to look at me without pulling his hand away from my neck I didn't mind so much.

"When did you tell your dad about us?"

"Last Christmas break. He asked me if I was done wasting his money on college, so I told him I couldn't drop out because I was in love with you. So either he had to figure out a way to get you to move to New York with me or he was gonna have to deal with the fact that I was staying in school."

"But that was before…"

"Yeah. Before anything happened with us, I know. I was crazy about you the first time I laid eyes on you, Josh." I knew I'd probably regret telling him that later, it wasn't the kind of information I usually just handed over without a fight. He could use that kind of stuff against me, after all, but I figured after the way I acted at his mom's house I owed him. "He hasn't called and offered you any large amounts of cash, has he?"

He laughed and shook his head, tightening his grip on me and pulling me close again. It hadn't even been four days since the last time I saw him, but even one day without kissing Josh was too much. I wrapped my arms around him in case he tried to pull away again before I was ready, trying to fit everything I hadn't said yet into the kiss. There was no way I was spending vacations away from him anymore, but I had a feeling convincing him to come to New York for spring break wouldn't be that hard. Maybe I could even talk him into letting me take him to Mexico for a real vacation.

"You wanna order a pizza or something?" I asked when we finally came up for air.

He shook his head against my neck, and when his lips brushed my ear I had to tighten my grip on him. "Coop, were you really gonna move out?"

How was I supposed to answer that? 'Yeah, Josh, I've got a room waiting for me back on campus, I was gonna move a suitcase full of crap I probably wouldn't even bother unpacking over there and just wait around for you to show up and beg me to move back'. Or I could have told him I just needed some time to think, that once I figured out what a jerk I was that I would have come to my senses. The trouble was I didn't even know if it was true. "I don't know what I was doing, Josh. I never know what I'm doing when I'm not with you."

I don't know if it was the right thing to say, but I heard his breath catch in his throat and a few hot tears hit my skin. It took him awhile to pull himself together, but I tried to be patient even though part of me was dying to push him down on the bed and kiss him until he forgot why he was crying. "Coop?"

"Yeah, Josh?" He pressed a kiss against the skin right below my ear, and I smiled when his hands started moving under my shirt.

"Can you get the fucking suitcase off the bed now?"

Funny how you could know somebody so well, live with them every day and they still managed to surprise you at the weirdest times. When I stopped laughing I pulled away and wiped at his wet face with my thumbs. "Yeah, Josh." I didn't bother to tell him that I would have done anything he asked; I had a feeling he already knew.