Title: Can't Buy Me Love

Fandom: Diagnosis Murder

Author/pseudonym: Angelise

Archive: Yes, esp. to the Abode, BBQ Bob's, WWOMB, CKOS

Pairing: Steve/Jesse

Status: New, Complete

Category: Humor

Summary: Does Jesse have enough to buy the man he loves?

Warnings: Go away if you don't like smiling!

Disclaimer: "Diagnosis Murder" and its characters belong to Viacom and CBS. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes. No money is being made from it and no copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Notes: Gracious thanks to my friends and betas, Elaine and Juli. You girls rock!

Can't Buy Me Love

by Angelise

Copyright September 2003

"I can't believe I let Dad talk me into this nonsense." Steve looked down at the piece of paper he held in his hand. "Good thing you're a committee member, Jess, or you'd be right here beside me, making an ass out of yourself."

Jesse couldn't help the grin that popped up on his face. "What can I say? Rules prohibit committee members from participating in all events. Besides..." The blond physician struck a dramatic pose with one hand on his hip and the other on his forehead. "You couldn't handle the competition. The second everyone got a look at my sexy bod, the auction would be over." Jesse swiveled his hips in a suggestive manner for good measure. "Maybe I should resign from the committee and enter. I'd probably rake in thousands for the charity."

Rolling his eyes, Steve opened the door to the dressing room assigned to him. "You've been sniffing those anesthesia gases again, haven't you?" The detective dropped the bag he had been given earlier on a nearby chair and started to unbutton his shirt. "I still don't understand why my group is going out in only jeans and t-shirts. Don't these auctions usually have the participants dressed to the nines? Like in one of those penguin suits?"

Jesse took possession of Steve's shirt and folded it. Turning his back to the detective, he secretly buried his nose in the fabric and savored the lingering scent of Steve's aftershave. "It's the middle of July, buddy boy. The nurses thought it would be more fun and bring in more money if everyone was dressed casually." Jesse looked over his shoulder and leered at his friend when he said the word 'casually.'

Toeing off his shoes, Steve reached for the bag he had brought into the room. "What's up, Jesse? I smell a rat and, if you know what's good for you, you'll be confessing everything right now. Don't make me get rough with you."

The image of Steve getting rough with him had Jesse wishing he had worn looser slacks. Clearing his throat, he gave his friend a smile that was anything but innocent. "Whatever do you mean?"

"One of these days..." Steve left the threat hanging in the air as he opened the bag and pulled out the clothes he had handed over for inspection several days before. "Can you tell me why they wanted me to donate clothes that were slightly worn and no problem to replace if need be?"

Jesse pretended a serious interest in the theater posters hanging on the wall of the small room. "You got me. Ask the nurses." Of course, none of the nurses had laid one finger on Steve's auction attire. With Susan's help, Jesse had snatched them up the minute they were delivered to the hospital and had declared he would be the one making sure they met the requirements set out by those in charge of the event. Tonight would fulfill one of his secret fantasies and he wanted Steve to look just right.

"What the hell?"

Jesse turned around and found himself facing the man of his dreams---Steve Sloan---detective extraordinaire---dressed in a pair of torn jeans and an equally torn t-shirt. He forced himself not to drool openly. "Wow! Someone sure went to town on your stuff."

Steve fingered the tear that exposed his upper chest, then slid his hand down his abdomen and checked the threadbare spot near the zipper of his jeans. "If you ask me, this almost borders on indecent exposure." He twisted around and nearly fell over when he caught sight of the tears that crisscrossed the denim covering his ass. "These jeans were in one piece when I handed them over to Susan." Steve straightened and fixed Jesse with a look that would have made hardened criminals give up their mothers. "Jesse."

The doctor ignored Steve's accusing stare and walked slowly around him, eyeing the sexiest body he had ever seen. A chuckle escaped him when he saw a hint of white peaking through the tears on his rear. "Uh, Steve? I think you forgot something."

The detective bent forward and frowned at the torn knees of his jeans. "What? What did I forget? I've got the jeans and shirt on, indecent as they might be. What else?"

Jesse resisted the urge to slide his hand inside one of the tears and cup his friend's fine ass. Instead, he tugged on Steve's white cotton BVD's in order to catch his attention. "I believe the rules of attire indicated no underwear."

"Shit!" Steve popped the button on his jeans and quickly shucked them off. "If this wasn't for a good cause," he groused as he got rid of the illegal undies. Focused on untangling his feet from his underwear, the detective totally missed the sudden lack of life in the man standing behind him.

Jesse was frozen in place, his mouth and eyes wide open, his heart at a complete stop, his lungs locked between the inhale and exhale mode. The only body part showing any sign of being alive was his cock and it was threatening the strength of his slacks' zipper in a major way.

OH MY GOD!

Finally free of his cumbersome BVD's, Steve slid his jeans back in place and checked to make sure all his manly attributes were as decently covered as possible. "If this hole by my crotch was any bigger, the front row would definitely be getting an eyeful." Steve threw out his arms and turned around in a circle. "Whadda ya think, Jess?"

OH MY GOD!

"Two minutes."

The stagehand's warning brought Jesse back to life and he quickly snatched up Steve's discarded slacks, using them to cover his quite noticeable erection. Taking a deep gulp of air, he smiled at his friend. "You're gonna knock 'em dead, Steve."

The detective checked himself in the mirror mounted on the back of the door. "I just hope some old alumni biddy doesn't buy me. I'd like, for once, to have a good time at one of these things."

Jesse nervously rubbed the back of his neck while peeking up at Steve. He was about to broach a subject he had been waiting forever to discuss with the older man, the topic of his sexuality---Steve's to be exact. "You do realize there will be women and men bidding on you? Several of the board members insisted on this charity being an equal opportunity for the entire community."

Steve glanced over his shoulder at Jesse and crooked one eyebrow. "Not a problem for me. Is it for you?"

Jesse was so filled with relief at receiving the answer he had prayed for he completely missed the expectant look in Steve's eyes. And not only did he miss the look that would have made his day and his future, Jesse hesitated in answering Steve's query. By the time his mind was ready to translate his thoughts into words, the final warning was yelled out, followed by a rapid knock on the door.

"All participants to the stage, please!"

The detective heaved a long sigh and, with one last hopeful look at Jesse, headed toward the door. "Catch ya later, Jess."

"Steve! Wait!" Tossing Steve's pants aside, Jesse quickly followed the detective out into the corridor, desperate to share the answer that could possibly open the door to a relationship between them. Again, however, fate was against him and Jesse found himself pushed out of the way as a swarm of nurses doused Steve's body with several buckets of water. Man! If looks could kill. Jesse, wisely, took several steps back and grinned as his friend sputtered curses at the innocently smiling women.

"Damn! Have... have you ladies lost your minds? Hey! What in the hell was that for?"

The last was aimed at Susan, who had arrived a minute too late and, without checking to see how wet Steve already was, threw her designated bucket of water at him. "Oops! Sorry," she apologized.

"No need to apologize, girlfriend. His t-shirt wasn't quite wet enough," said Juli, an ER nurse that worked the night shift.

Jesse took that moment to examine Steve's new look. Oh yeah. Shit yeah. Wet was definitely the way to go. Tucking his greedy I want to touch you all over hands in his back pockets, Jesse couldn't help but whistle his approval at the way the white cotton t-shirt clung to Steve's chest. The wet material showed everything---pecs, abs, nipples. Jesse licked his lips at the sight of those puckered tits and the way they proudly pushed against the damp fabric. Lowering his gaze, he once again felt the rush of heat to his nether regions, the cause being his friend's jeans now fit him like a glove. No need to use the imagination---the water had made the worn denim hug Steve's jewels and, if somebody didn't cuff him soon, Jesse would be on his knees worshipping said jewels with his hands and mouth.

Salvation came in the guise of the friendly stagehand, Lucas. "You're up, Sloan. Time to strut your stuff."

Steve took one step toward the stage and then stopped, pausing long enough to look back at Jesse and say, "If you see my Dad, tell him I'm going to kill him in the morning." Turning his gaze heavenly, he muttered to himself, "Please God. No old biddies."

All Jesse could do was merely nod his head in acknowledgement of Steve's request. His brain had been taken over by the fairies of Lust and Fuckdom and in no way were they going to allow Jesse to waste any energy on the mere act of speaking---they had better things to focus on. Unfortunately, Steve's parting words broke the spell they had cast upon the young doctor and sent Jesse scrambling for his seat in the audience.

Looking for his proxy bidder, Jesse couldn't help but grin at his deviousness. He had easily wrangled Alex into helping him snag Steve once he explained how much the detective meant to him. And with the young intern on his side and doing the actual bidding, Jesse was assured that Steve would have no idea who his buyer was until the very last minute, thus making it a complete surprise.

"Alex! Alex! How's it going? What's the bid at?"

The blond intern ignored Jesse's frantic questions and yelled out. "One hundred fifty dollars!"

"Good, good." Jesse pulled out his wallet and checked the amount of cash inside. "Keep it up, my friend. I'm sure I've got more than enough to win Steve." Someone took a seat next to Jesse but he was too caught up in staring at Steve's wet physique to notice. "I've got to win him. I've just got to."

"Two seventy-five!" was offered for the detective with the red hot cheeks.

Alex looked over at Jesse and, upon receiving a nod of approval, yelled out, "Three hundred."

"Four hundred," was quickly counter-offered.

Jesse threw a threatening look at the back of Mrs. Hansen's head, a local widow who had just donated over one million dollars for the construction of the new cardiac wing. "No way you're getting your hands on my man!" he whispered fiercely to the seventy-eight year old woman. "Go for five, Alex," he instructed his cohort.

"Five hundred!"

Jesse grinned as Steve tried to see through the blinding stage lights and identify those that were bidding on him. "You just wait, Detective Studly. I'm gonna wine and dine you so good, you won't even breathe a word of protest when I take you on an all night tour of my handsomely decorated boudoir."

"Seven hundred!"

"Who bid that?" Jesse checked his stash of bills again and frowned. "Alex. Quick. How much money do you have on you?"

Alex stared at Jesse like he'd lost his mind. "You're kidding, right?" He pointed to himself. "Medical student. Loans. Rent. Food. I don't think so, buddy."

"Come on, come on. I'll pay you back."

"Eight hundred!"

Alex gave Jesse a mock glare while he dug out his wallet. "There. That's all I've got. And you sure as hell better pay me back."

"Eight hundred and fifty!"

Jesse quickly counted the bills grudgingly handed over. "Thirty seven dollars? That's all? Come on, you gotta have more than that. I have to win him, Alex. He's everything to me."

"That's it. Take it or leave it."

"Damn! Not enough. Where's Amanda? She can certainly swing some bucks my way." Jesse attempted to peer around the person exiting the seat next to him. "Do you see her, Alex?"

Alex knocked his hand against Jesse's skull several times. "Hello? Anyone home in there? Amanda's on vacation, remember?"

"Shit!" Jesse ignored the grumbles aimed in his direction as he stood up and searched the crowd. "Where's Mark? Maybe he can help me."

"Nine hundred!"

Alex tugged on Jesse's sleeve. "Do you want me to bid?"

Collapsing back into his seat, Jesse frowned at the wad of bills in his hand. "Yeah. Who knows? Maybe my guardian angel will block all other bidders."

"How much?"

Jesse quickly counted his cash and whispered the amount to Alex. Crossing his fingers and his toes, he squeezed his eyes shut as he listened to his friend shout out his final bid.

"Nine hundred and eighty seven dollars."

The crowd cheered and Steve grinned widely, the detective obviously enjoying the bidding war going on over him. He struck the classic body builder pose and showed off the muscles in his arms, his smile growing huge at the sound of all the females and several males in the audience shouting their approval.

"Are there any more bids for the handsome Detective Steve Sloan?"

Jesse leaned over and hid his face, pressing it against his knees. "Please, please, please. No more bids."

"One thousand, good sir!"

Mrs. Hansen's bid shattered his dream and Jesse couldn't help the cry of denial that escaped his lips. "No! Not fair. I want him." He snapped his head up and glared at the elderly woman.

"Fifteen hundred!"

The crowd temporarily went silent at the outrageous amount shouted from the rear of the room. The highest bid so far that night had been five hundred and fifty dollars for a night out on the town with Dr. Mark Sloan.

"Fifteen hundred going once. Going twice." The auctioneer checked a final time with Mrs. Hansen but the elderly lady shook her head---she could afford to be generous, having already obtained one Sloan that night.

"Fifteen hundred going once. Going twice. Sold!"

Jesse slumped down in his seat, so depressed at having lost he didn't even bother paying attention to the rest of the auction. He had been so sure he would win, the possibility of losing had never entered his mind. In fact, the minute he had heard the hospital was hosting the charity auction, he knew, without a doubt it was the opportunity he had been looking for-the golden opportunity that would finally provide him with the right circumstances for demonstrating his feelings for Steve.

"Sorry you lost, Jesse. Maybe next time?" Alex patted Jesse on the back.

"Yeah. Next time." Jesse made a half-hearted attempt at smiling. "Thanks for you help, Alex. Here's your money."

Taking his cash back, the young intern gave his friend one last pat and hauled himself out of his seat. "See you at work tomorrow."

"See ya." Jesse slumped further down in his seat and stared sadly at the empty stage.

"Jesse?"

"Not now, Alex. Allow me to wallow in my grief alone." Jesse ran his hands over his face and sighed heavily. "Gotta think. Think of another plan."

"Will this help?"

Jesse looked up and found Mark and Steve Sloan standing in the row ahead of his. "What?"

Decked out in blindingly bright lime-colored beachwear, Mark took his son's hand and held it out to Jesse. "I believe I won this young man in a recent auction. Seeing that I'm already committed to taking Mrs. Hansen out for dinner, I'm not quite sure what to do with him."

Steve took hold of Jesse's hand and pulled him out of his seat, his tug forceful enough to cause Jesse to stumble forward and land against him. "What about it, Jess? Wanna take me off Dad's hands?" Steve wrapped the young doctor's arm around him and placed his unresisting hand on his rear.

Jesse couldn't believe his eyes. Hell, he couldn't believe his fingers---couldn't believe his fingers were doing the mambo on Steve's rock hard ass. "Uh... I've only got nine hundred dollars on me. Can I owe you, Mark?" Pinching the cheek that was twitching in anticipation beneath his hand, Jesse grinned when he heard Steve moan softly.

"Don't... damnation, Jesse. Behave. We're in public." Steve clenched his buttcheeks around the fingers teasing his crack and chuckled at the blush that immediately spread across Jesse's face. "As I was saying, don't worry about the remaining amount, Dad. I'll be more than happy to make up the difference." Steve felt a sudden rush of desire hit him when he saw Jesse eyeing the way his wet t-shirt still clung to his chest.

Waving at the approaching Mrs. Hansen, Mark laughed and patted both Steve and Jesse on the shoulder. "Forget the money. Consider it an early wedding present." Mark bowed gallantly to the woman standing beside him. "Margaret! Shall we be off?"

Jesse stared at Steve, his blue eyes filled with disbelief. "Steve? Did your Dad just say what I think he said?"

Steve slid his arms around Jesse and began to nuzzle the blond's neck. "Yep. And you know what? If we play our cards right, we might just get him to foot the bill for the honeymoon, too."

OH MY GOD!

The end